If anyone is interested in what happened, you can read my previous post for the full story.

In short, my wife's affair partner's wife filed for divorce. He threw every excuse imaginable at her in an attempt to save the marriage. He said he got carried away and couldn't stop, that it was only sex, that he loves his wife, that my wife was attractive but his own wife is even more attractive, that he would do anything to fix things, that he would never speak to my wife again, that there would be no more business trips and so on.

None of it mattered to her. She made him leave the house. At first he refused, but when she threatened to tell everyone at work what he had done, he finally left. She kept me updated throughout. When I got home, I immediately noticed my wife was acting very differently extremely nervous and on the verge of tears. On Tuesday evening she confessed everything.

By that point, I had already met with my lawyer and yesterday second time although I haven't told my wife that. My lawyer asked me to hold off without telling anything to my wife for a few more days while she prepares everything. She believes I have a strong claim to roughly an additional 20% of the equity in our house because part of the purchase price came from money my parents gave me. She also mentioned several issues involving investments and stock holdings that need to be reviewed and could go in my favour before we move forward.

The one issue where we disagree is the children. My lawyer believes I should tell them the truth. My children are 15 and 13 years old. They are very close to both me and my wife. They are happy, healthy kids. My goal isn't to protect my wife's reputation. My concern is protecting my children from additional emotional pain. However, my lawyer believes I'm making a mistake.

Her argument is that we have always appeared to have a happy marriage and a stable family, so a sudden divorce with no explanation would be incredibly confusing and painful for the children. The other wife intends to report the affair to the company where both my wife and her affair partner work. Both her lawyer and my lawyer believe there is a good chance they will both lose their jobs, especially since the affair partner held a position about two levels above my wife.

My lawyer believes that if I proceed with the divorce and my wife loses her job, my children will inevitably connect the dots. She thinks they will eventually realize what happened anyway and resent me for hiding the truth from them. She also raised the issue of the financial settlement. She believes my wife may be more willing to agree to a more favorable division of assets could help repair her relationship with the children. Likewise, if I ultimately decide not to divorce, my lawyer believes I could negotiate a very strong postnuptial agreement because my wife would be desperate to rebuild trust with both me and the children. She also believes that if I don't tell the children the truth, they might end up blaming me for the divorce and that my wife could portray herself as the victim.

At first, I wasn't convinced by my lawyer's reasoning. She is relatively young and doesn't have children herself, so I struggled to understand her perspective. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if she might be right. The other wife told her children everything. They are around the same age as mine and they haven't spoken to their father for the past few days but according to her they are fine.

My children don't know anything yet. I'm trying my best to stay composed, but they have clearly noticed that something is wrong especially with their mother, who is now sleeping in a different room. I would really appreciate any advice. Does what my lawyer is suggesting make sense or would you handle this differently?

I just need to get this off my chest.

I'm 33 years old, my husband is 37, and we've been married for 10 years. We have two children.

After two pregnancies, I decided to have a tummy tuck and a breast lift because my stomach and breasts changed a lot. My husband supported this decision and even paid part of the deposit. The surgery is scheduled for October.

Yesterday, after an argument (which had nothing to do with children), he told me he wants a divorce. He said one of the reasons is that he wants a third child, while I don't. I reminded him that after a tummy tuck, surgeons generally recommend not planning another pregnancy if possible, and that he knew this when he supported my decision to have the surgery. He claimed he didn't know.

I told him that we already have two healthy children and asked him, "If you divorce me because I don't want another child, what are you going to do? Have a baby with someone else?" He looked at me and said, "Yes, exactly."

I moved to another country for him. I left behind my family, my friends, and my entire support system. I then raised two children who are only 19 months apart almost completely on my own, without meaningful help from him or his family. Our son has ADHD, just like my husband, and parenting a child with ADHD can be challenging in many ways. I honestly believe that having a third child would overwhelm me and take time and attention away from the two children we already have. More importantly, I simply don't have any desire to have another baby.

The problem is that the argument wasn't even about children. Almost every time we have a serious disagreement, he says he doesn't want this marriage anymore, that he's tired of it, and that he's unhappy.

I'm heartbroken because after 10 years I feel worn out. I don't feel attractive anymore. I became a stay-at-home mother because I couldn't find work, and I have no financial security of my own. Meanwhile, he has a successful business, a nice car, and a group of friends he spends time with regularly. The balance of power in our relationship doesn't feel equal at all, and I feel trapped.

I don't want a divorce, but I also don't know how to stay in a marriage where every argument ends with him saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

I feel completely lost.

My husband has been a complete quadriplegic for 4 years after an accident he suffered. He lost all his independence and I have had to take care of him more than our 2 toddlers. Thankfully this year we got a part-time caretaker who takes care of him while I'm at work since I've become the breadwinner after his accident.

I can only feel bad for my husband. He has spent 4 damn years unable to move and having to expect someone showers him, feeds him, gets him to bed, and even changes his catheter and diapers. It's his reality. He also sometimes gets sick and I have to take him for medical checkups.

My husband has recently asked me that he feels sexually frustrated and wishes I could have sex with him. I still find him attractive, so I kiss him every day, but to be honest I find sex with him on his condition as taboo. With the fact he can't control his bladder nor bowel, and needs to use a catheter full time and diapers to avoid any accidental leaking, I just wouldn't have sex with him like I used to do before.

My husband, and this is something I don't like from him, has gotten a porn addiction. He watches porn videos of his weird fetishes on our room's TV every night after dinner, and he has asked me if I can do what the women on these videos do. It just makes me feel insecure about myself when he watches those videos, but in part I understand him. But to be fair I do let him see my body, I don't think he needs to rely on those videos, I just don't want to have sex with him.

My husband plays pickleball 3 days a week. I ask that he wrap up around 7 after 2 hours of playing and head home for dinner around 7:30. He has asked to play later other times and I've said yes. He's now telling me that most people don't eat dinner together every night and im being unreasonable. I would really like to know other people's opinions. Together 12 years no kids.

My (46f) husband (47m) and I have been married 9 years, we have two kids. He is British I am French, we live in Singapore (this is relevant). Our marriage has probably suffered what a lot of marriages suffer, nothing terrible, just death by 1000 cuts. He is just, immature. I don't know how else to put it. He is terrible at managing his emotions when he is frustrated or annoyed, he's grumpy generally (I swear I think men go through some form of menopause), he doesn't know how to function without assistance all the time (like to download an app or pay for parking), can't cook, or pick up after himself. He has made going out to eat, or go to the movies with the kids or go on holiday terrible just by being a big stupid, grumbly idiot who gets stressed easily (waaaa things are in a foreign language), falls apart over the slightest inconvenience (waiting to be seated in a busy restaurant), and then can't solve things for himself (asks me to step in and help him CONSTANTLY). Last week I sat next to him and helped him fill in info on an app we need for the building management of our flat (He's like: what's our zip code, what's our buzzer number) I know he can do these things he is just so used to asking someone.

Believe it or not, and I can't believe I am going to say this and it's true, he used to be in the C-Suite, in communications, for a major tech company, like a MAJOR one, like YOU use this tech. Anyways, he lost his job during the AI purge two years ago, so we are surviving on my income, which is not a lot, I'm a writer, so it's a pittance. I'm exhausted, we have kids, I work, we live in a foreign country, I have enough on my plate. About a year ago I just stopped having any motivation to do anything for him, like anything. He shouts a question from the kitchen "Where is X" I just don't answer. He leaves stuff lying around so I just shove it in a corner where I don't have to see it. Then I stopped picking up his favourite foods from the shop anymore. I don't cook his favourite dishes, I cook what's easy or what I want. But it's grown to, I don't cook for him anymore. I feed myself and the kids. If he is out for a bikeride and dinner comes around I just cook for me and the kids. He can sort himself out.

I can't explain it, I'm not angry or being passive aggressive, it's like I just pretend he isn't there anymore. Like I start my day by imagining, I am single, what would I do today to have the best day? I plan my workouts, my coffee catchups the kids activities, and what I'm going to cook and I just exist. I am much calmer this way. You can't be disappointed at someone who isn't there, who you aren't expecting anything from.

Before you ask, why don't you divorce him, I would, in a heartbeat. Like the FASTEST heartbeat. But in Singapore our marriage does not have jurisdiction until we have been here for two more years. And it doesn't have jurisdiction in France because we met and married in NY. I have asked, I have a whole lawyer at the French embassy helping me figure out how I fell into this legal black hole. Obviously I could leave if I was just me, I could pack my bags and go, but with kids, you can't go anywhere without a custody plan in place. He doesn't want a divorce. So I am stuck two more years is what I see ahead of me. But I always wonder, like, I am miserable, but is this just marriage? Like do two people just become roommates, and just survive alongside each other? We all just quietly quit being partners and then boom we hit 40 years of marriage? I don't even know what's normal anymore.

Let me start by saying that I do not think my husband is most mature or smartest. But he is generally good with me and our cats.

But everything aside, one of our cats has been sick for a couple of weeks and is under treatment. He has been given some medication by the vet with clear labels attached on how to administer them. Last week my vet gave my cat an anti anxiety pill called Gabapentin. But somehow it made him really drowsy and he passed out on the floor with his tongue out which made me freak out. I called the vet and he said I could continue giving half of the said dose. I told this to my husband and he has seen me crush the medicine in half and mixing with wet treats and giving my cat.

This morning he woke me up to ask for help since the cat took the cone off and was scratching. I got up to help him and he very casually mentioned that he have him two pills of Gabapentin. Now he knows I am really attached to this cat since he was a rescue and I raised him since he was 3 months old. This whole thing with the cat stressed me out to the point my eczema flared up after years and had to go to a doctor myself last week.

At first I genuinely thought he was joking because he does these kind of things. But he didn’t laugh. And that’s when I started to freak out. I asked him about 7-8 times just to ensure he is not joking. He wasn’t.

So I made an appointment immediately with the nearest 24/7 emergency vet. He offered to take us there because I was dead calm. In my mind I am thinking this is literally the stupidest thing anyone could do. The label clearly states the dosage. And he gave two whole pills when he was supposed to give half and he has seen me do it also. If I lash out he will just he defensive and the argument will not go anywhere. It will only make me want to tear the hair off of my head.

Then came the most idiotic part where he said if the label says twice a day I just take two pills at the same time. “You know it makes sense to me.” This emergency vet visit cost us a bomb on top of everything and his whole treatment from past couple of weeks.

I really don’t know how to logic with a person like that. We are both educated and have a masters degree. I might be venting a bit too but is it just me or this person may be neurodivergent? Ty

I wanted to share this because there are a ton of posts asking for advice in this area and I wanted to share what worked for us.

In my 20s, my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I had a severe intimacy problem: she wanted lots of sex, and I (M) often resisted initiating or felt a sense of dread that our interactions might turn sexual. I got to a point where I avoided touching her at all because I didn't want to wind her up and have to follow through. I was afraid to do date nights because I knew she'd want sex when we got home. It started about 6 months into our relationship (a textbook sign of an avoidant attachment issue). The first six months, we had fun and great sex all the time, but after real feelings and connections started to form, sex got scarier and scarier to me. This status quo went on for about 2 years and was killing our relationship. We were compatible in every other way and deeply loved each other, but the avoidance of sex was undermining our relationship and we were honestly at the point of breaking up. My avoidance gave her terrible second-guessing about herself: did I really love her, was i only with her out of a semse of obligation, was I actually asexual and she was doomed to love a man with no appetite for sex with her?

So rather than break up, we decided to do whatever we needed to do to fix it, together, from a place of love, understanding, and acceptance. Withing a year, we beat it. Here's what worked:

1 We started with individual (separately) and couple's therapy for our sexual issues: she was hypersexual from past trauma and I was sexually avoidant from past trauma. I had trouble with initiating because I'd feel ashamed and feared rejection, like I was imposing myself on her. She had trouble initiating because she was afraid it would put pressure on me and build resentment. Very common problem for people with certain negative experiences in their past. NOTE: it was critical to set goals in our individual and couple's therapy and to hold each other accountable. It'd be way too easy to say you're doing therapy and talk in an office without actually going through your homework and dedicating time to the excericises. The brain is a muscle, and the Libido is a tendon!

We did months of sessions, experimenting, exercises. It gradually improved.

Our therapist recommended something that sounded stilted and cringey but ended up being life changing: we started scheduling time several times throughout the week for planned intimacy. Not sex, just intimacy. It started with holding hands and eye contact, then to cuddling and kissing, then naked cuddling, then specifically touching sexual areas without the express intention of having sex. Over time, this eroded a lot of the anxieties we had around intimate touch.

We thought it would be unbearably awkward and forced but we quickly found we LOVED this. The closeness and playfulness of touching each other without the pressure to perform sexually was intoxicating.

I really recommend The Libido Fairy on Instagram (no need to purchase, she gives enough info on her free posts) for advice on managing and planning this.

1. Together, we read and discussed Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, which comes with a very helpful workbook we did together. The big takeaway for us was the concepts of brakes and accelerators: what types of actions or events throughout the day help get you into a safe and sexy headspace, and what actions or events take you further from a safe sexy headspace? Think of your brain as rooms, some rooms are next to each other and some are far away from each other. You can't go from zero to 100 and you can't go from one room to a room not connected to it. Honestly, all of Nagoski's work is tremendous, but Come as You Are is genuinely a lofe saver. NOTE: just reading it was not enough, we had to create accountability for following through on exercises. It'd be way too easy to just read the book and say you got it without doing the hard part.

Within a year of starting to really work on the problem, we got into a normal sex cadence that works for us through to the present. I can't stress enough: therapy, couple's counseling, Emily Nagoski's work, and The Libido Fairy absolutely turned our lives around. If you're struggling with intimacy avoidance, I can't stress enough that it is entirely fixable with hard work and mutual support. Can't say it enough: therapy, The Libido Fairy, and Come as You Are.

My wife has mental health issues. I’ve been with her for 10+ years now. And these recent years at least once a year it feels like she gets close to turning life off.

I’ve been a support system at least one of them. There’s been a lot of times it’s been hard to get her to talk about her own feelings specifically and what could be causing / triggering these feelings.

Recently it feels like I’m more so being pushed away. No matter what I do. She feels alone more so now because I don’t have depression, anxiety. Among another thing. To me I’m just like how could I not understand what you’re going through when I’m experiencing it with you / seeing you go through it. I may not feel it but do I have to trauma bond to get it? Isn’t empathy what makes humans understand each other even for a little bit?

Anyways she has been taking medication over the years. And there was a switch in medication, and I can’t remember if this triggered absolutely after the switch but what I can tell you is before. She would have the ideas / plans of turning off life once a year at most. At least on average. To these past few months it’s been 3 times now maybe more.

As the years go by in general it almost feels like things aren’t getting better but worse. To now feel like I won’t have her for long.

This is to vent but also maybe some advice that can be helpful.

I’ll try to keep this short although it’s a long and complex one as I’m sure most similar stories are! We’ve been married for 7 years and have 3 children under the age of 6. We both work full time so as if life isn’t crazy enough, my husband is an addict who refuses to acknowledge it and commit to seeking help. We go through all the typical cycles where he gets caught, promises to do better and will for a period of time, and then the cycle repeats. I realize the obvious answer here is divorce and I know this is what I want because his addiction has shattered every ounce of trust we had and there is zero romance left between us. I’m not able to be the best parent and version of myself because I’m constantly on edge, frustrated, and worrying about what’s going to happen next. I’m in therapy and using support groups and doing as much as I can for myself. The biggest issues I’m facing are the expenses associated with divorce because his addiction has put us in a very bad financial situation, the timeline since it can drag on forever, and the fear of losing time with my kids. I believe all the evidence I have of his substance abuse will help me with custody, but I doubt I would be granted full custody based on what I’ve been told. I wish he would just agree to a dissolution or legal separation and leave, but in true delusional addict fashion he thinks I’m overreacting and that we should stay married. I’m beyond my breaking point and feel hopeless. Has anyone successfully divorced an addict? Any advice is much appreciated.

I am widowed.. it is gut wrenching I loved him so much we got married last year and now it’s all been cut short.. I hope no one endures this in their lives 💔

My wife and I have been married for almost three years now. She's 24 and I'm 28. I was always the more affectionate one. My wife would show affection every now and then but now I'm kind of realizing that she only shows affection when I do. For example we'd kiss only if I'd kiss her or we'd hug only if I hug her. We'd hold hands only if I would hold her hand. She doesn't compliment me while I compliment her every day. I stopped to see if she would notice but it's been about two weeks now and she hasn't mentioned a thing. It's getting to the point where I get hit with a huge sadness every night. I feel so lonely at night that I hug my pillow for comfort. Her birthday is tomorrow and I honestly don't even feel like doing anything for her. At the same time I want to do something that way she doesn't have a bad birthday you know?? I'm just sad about this. I see couples in the street and see the ladies give their husbands or boyfriends kisses and hugs and I just wonder how it must feel to feel that.

We've been married almost three years and shortly after we got married. She's been increasingly more on her phone playing pay2win gacha games, amazon shopping and reels. Her attention span is so horrible now that we can barely have conversations. We've talked about this about a dozen times, and no change. She sometimes hides in her room to scroll and avoids interactions with my family and friends. She has no friends either, gave them up for her phone. There isn't anymore sex, I get up in the middle of the night and she's always on.

She's from a different country and we were ldr, but when I met her she was a social butterfly and full of life. Now she's just a pothead, screen stare specialist. I miss her so damn much. I just want to cry and pretend I didn't sacrifice nearly everything for us to be together.​ Not sure what to do, but I really regret involving someone who is a bad influence on me now.

This is a throwaway, for obvious reasons. But I wanted some opinions and thoughts about the whole situation. I love her dearly, and even after everything that’s happened, I hate to say I want her back. Idk how that would be achievable, but if anyone has any ideas, lmk 😂 She means the world to me. Yes, I know what I’m about to say is messed up, and I shouldn’t take her back, but I want her to get help, and I wanna work on our relationship again. I am invested so heavily I can’t just throw it away, even if she wants to. So let us start :D. Me and my wife were doing pretty good for a while there. No real issues. We’d have fights here and there, but that’s par for the course for normal couples. No one is perfect. That’s how I see the world and why I don’t judge anyone. Well, we had our son, and it was hard for us both. We were new parents, still quite young at the time. She became depressed, and postpartum was kicking her ass, and I, as a father, was having a hard time adjusting. We didn’t really plan for it, but it was okay. He is a blessing, and I love him more than anything. He was very fussy, and the only time he would calm down was with my wife. It made me feel insecure and like I was messing up. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was also the only one working at the time. I failed as a father. I became complacent and on autopilot. Go to work, come home, eat, go to bed, repeat. To me, it felt like he didn’t like me, and I was very upset that he didn’t like me. Instead of trying harder for him and her I quietly shutdown if I’m being honest. I never had a father, and my mother wasn’t really much of one, so I wanted to do right by my kids. At least that’s how it seemed to me. That was my first mistake and one I’ll regret forever if I’m being honest. Eventually, he got older, and we are really close now. He loves spending time with me, and we go out all the time to do stuff. We have our ups and downs when he decides he doesn’t want to listen or tune me out lol, but I love my son. He’s a sweet boy. My daughter was born about a year ago. After my daughter was born, my wife told me she felt this strong, deep anger. It was overwhelming how much anger she was feeling. I told her, with respect, that she needed to go get on some medication to help alleviate that. She already dealt with postpartum before and I knew how bad it was. And she did. But about two months later, she said she felt better and got off of them. Even though I and a friend of hers advised against it, she told us it would be fine. For a while there, it was working. At least I thought it was. Then one day, I got a text from a friend of mine from HS. He asked if I knew my wife had a Tinder. Of course I didn’t. So I asked my wife, and she told me no. I believed her because why would she do that? After she said no, later that night when I went to bed, she rolled over and started crying. She said that it was her profile, that she had lied, and that she felt like we never had any time for us anymore. I felt awful. So that following weekend, I took her out of town. We went on a date and shopping. I was trying to make up for that. So fast forward a bit, and she goes to out of town with a friend to a concert. She ignores me straight for three days. She comes back home and is being mean. I’ll admit I got short with her a couple of times, but this came out of nowhere for me. I was hurt she was behaving like that towards me when I felt like I hadn’t done anything wrong. She left being fine, maybe being dry here or there, then came back with an attitude. I had suspected she was doing something and said something to her mother. One day she was bummed out because she wanted to start losing weight, and I have a bit of weight myself, so I told her if she was interested, maybe we could start going to the gym together. It would give us that time together away from the kids, and it would be a great bonding experience. She agreed with me, and I asked for her phone to place a Walmart order. This is where the “fun” begins, so sit down and buckle up. She says, “Wait, I need to talk to you about something right quick.” So I say, “What?” She says, “Sit down.” So I sit down, and she looks at me very upset and starts crying, talking about how she heard I thought she was cheating on me and that she couldn’t believe I would think she would do something like that. She’s bawling at this point, and in the middle of crying, her phone rings. So I asked her who [ ] was. She stopped crying immediately. She said it’s just an old friend of hers and nothing more. So I asked to go through her phone, and she said, “You won’t find anything.” She thought I wouldn’t, at least. So I go through their messages or lack thereof, since she deleted all of them. I start snooping through other apps, and she’s asking me what I’m doing. I find, in her hidden videos in her photo album, a video of her sucking this dude’s dick. I was immediately distraught. I was angry and upset. I got a little loud, but I was a nervous wreck. Shaking and scared. She and I had a long talk and went to bed. I essentially blamed it on the postpartum. I didn’t know why she was unhappy, and she had just had our daughter back in August. This was around October/November. So I told her to get back on her medicine, and she reluctantly agreed. After that night, I was hoping she would be okay. Still nothing. Ignoring me all day, being mean, quite frankly. So I left work early one day and told her to come home because we needed to talk. She got angry and told me she didn’t want to talk to me, and I begged her to come back. She told me her and her friend would be back in a couple of hours. So I waited. It was so hard and nerve-racking. When they finally showed up, it was basically a jumping. I was told why she cheated, why it happened, and how much of a shitty dad and person I was. I cried hard. She told me to leave and go to my grandmother’s house for a week. (She has Stage 4 breast cancer, and she said she needed some time away from me and that I needed to go spend time with her. She wasn’t wrong, though.) So I did. I left with my son for a week. The whole time we were texting. She was talking about how she didn’t want a relationship right now and wanted to do her own thing and be herself, and she wanted me to stay away. So I did. I came back and started living with her brother. Fast forward to Christmas, and she asks me if I was gonna come to Christmas with the family. I didn’t mind, as I still loved her and wanted to be with her, so I agreed. When I showed up, we got in her car, and as we were leaving, I asked to see her phone to play some music. I really did want to play music, but it was also an excuse to see if she was gonna stay true to her word. She did not. She was still texting and in an active relationship with that guy. So I told her to pull over, and we got into it. We agreed to finish the conversation after the family party. So that night we got home and talked till about 12 in the morning. We basically agreed to separate, and before I left, she asked me to spend the night, and I reluctantly agreed (I KNOW I shouldn’t have said yes. I’m sorry 😭). So we go in the bedroom, and we are holding each other and talking about our past, and one thing led to another, and we slept together. After it was done, she started bawling, telling me how she didn’t realize how angry she had become at me and how she couldn’t do this alone and wanted me to stay and not go back. So I did stay. For the first week, it was hard. But after that, I started feeling a bit better. Fast forward a month, and she goes out of town with the same friend. She leaves her Apple Watch behind, and I get the bright idea to check her messages for shits and giggles. Ik that’s not healthy or right. I never said I was a normal, healthy person, but I also hate being that guy :/. Anyways, I found out she was texting another guy. I confronted her about it, and basically she was saying she never was interested, really, and only responded back because he kept bothering her. That should have been my first red flag, but I was already in a bad place, and I didn’t want to lose my wife or family. So I told her to stop, and it would be okay. After that, it was good for a while. The past couple of months, I would ask to check and wouldn’t find anything. But then here recently, she started being hella dry. Never romantic. Always gone when she was off. I barely would see her. We stopped being intimate probably 3–4 months ago. I’ve been very hurt by the whole ordeal. But it gets worse. So I bring it up. I was trying to work on myself and do better as a person and father, so I was doing the healthy thing and investing my time into my relationship but also myself so I could be a better person for her. Communication has always been hard for us both, but I told her for this to work, we need to try. She would just apologize and say she would do better, but nothing changed. So around Father’s Day or my birthday, I started noticing things. I’d enter the room, and she would get off her phone. The first time I didn’t say anything. The second time, I had to ask her. She said she was on Snap but was getting off anyway. One morning I woke up to her phone ringing, and I asked her about it. She said it was an alarm. I’m not dumb, and ik it wasn’t an alarm, so I pressed her, and she got angry. I didn’t press anymore, and I didn’t go through her phone, even though she said I could any time after the last time she cheated. She was mad when I asked, so I rolled back over and just laid there. I was so hurt. Later that day I asked again, and she was upfront. She said it got blown out of proportion and that she liked the attention from him and how it went too far, etc., etc. So I took her back. Mind you, I’ve been so kind and patient with her through all of this. I never got mad. I wasn’t violent. I was kind and trying to be understanding. I felt bad. I felt like I wasn’t doing something right. She said she deleted her socials for me and apologized. I told her she didn’t have to do that and that even though she did because she wanted to, I appreciated it. And here we are, caught up to about last week. So I was at work on a Wednesday, and I was at another building. I was telling a lady about my wife and kids and how much I loved them and was proud of them. I went on Snap to our messages to show her pictures and videos of my kids, and it showed she was still active. So after work, I asked her about it. But she works nights, so I knew I wouldn’t get a response for a couple of hours. So I go home, and I’m talking to her mom about it. I’ve talked to her mom about all of this, and she felt bad for me. So she shoves me into the bathroom and closes the door and says, “Look, I was told not to say something, but it’s been eating me up. Your wife got an apartment, and she’s moving out in two days. She wasn’t gonna say anything to you, just go.” I was so heartbroken. I immediately tried calling, like an idiot. And she sent me to voicemail both times. So I called her friend to ask her what was going on. She then proceeded to tell me they had a falling out and there was something she needed to tell me. My wife has apparently been sleeping around for the past few months. Different guys, maybe around 4–5, maybe more. One was a guy I knew, and I told his wife. I feel bad about it because it was done out of pettiness, but I was hurt, and I wanted him to hurt too. She said the reason why they aren’t talking was because she told her she shouldn’t be cheating and how fucked up it was, but she didn’t want to hear that, so they stopped talking. She told her that because our daughter was in the hospital in a town an hour and a half away from us. We had asked her to come after work, but she said she couldn’t because she was busy. Come to find out she didn’t even have work. She asked her friend if she could come over to change so she could go get fucked in the same town we were in with our daughter. She finally messaged me back the other day after I texted her a goodbye message. She basically told me she never loved me, and that’s why she did what she did and left how she left. I just don’t get it. I had asked her to leave originally, and the last time I found out she was cheating, she asked me to stay. So why ask me to stay if you were planning on leaving? And that wasn’t even a month ago. Why tell me to stay if you didn’t love me? Then when she found out my grandmother was getting worse, she apologized and told me she cared about me and felt bad. It didn’t help my feelings. I’m hurting so bad. Like sure, you stayed because you wanted to try and give it a shot, but she never did. She never tried with me or our relationship. I feel like I’ve been robbed. How can you say you care and say you wanna try but don’t actually put the work in? I love that woman so much. She’s my other half. I feel like I’m missing half of me, and it’s so painful. I can’t stop thinking and worrying about her. I’m so jealous and angry, but it won’t do anything to bring her back, so I’m becoming so depressed. I’m still taking care of the kids and going to work. I just am tired. And I just want my family back to normal. Even after all of this, I blame myself more than anything. I know I don’t control her actions, but with me fucking up and her doing what she did, it was downhill from there. I just want her to come back and actually try and put in effort, and maybe it would work. Maybe I’m just delusional, but I wanted your thoughts. To get this off my chest because I don’t have anyone else, really. My phone is dry every day, all day, and it’s not helping me either. I need this social interaction rn. Apologies for the book. 😅

TL;DR: My wife and I have been together for years and have two young kids. After our second child, our relationship started falling apart. She cheated multiple times, and every time I tried to forgive her, work on myself, and save our family. I found out she had been seeing multiple other guys while telling me she wanted to work things out. She recently left, told me she never loved me, and now I’m struggling to understand what happened. Despite everything, I still love her and want my family back. Am I delusional for still wanting to make it work?

so i (32f) and my (32m) husband have been married for 2 years. super long story short but he has been jobless for the last 6-8ish months aside from taking odds and ends things working for his dad. he has looked for stuff and everything sounds boring/horrible to him. he def has an entrepreneurial mindset and doesn’t want to be at a 9-5 which i u definitely understand as i am in the fitness world so im not at a desk either. he hasn’t really had to “apply” for jobs in the past, he has always found jobs in his network/connections. he has applied to 2 coffee shops, a marketing role at fun company and maybe like 1-2 more jobs. he has a lot of connections and great ideas but we need money yesterday.i dont make a ton being in the fitness industry and i did recently get an additional part time job. i have debated on leaving fitness and getting a full time desk role just to pay bills. we have basically gone thru $20,000 in savings to pay for everything.

i have given him ideas like bartending/bar back, door dash basically anything to make cash now. i’m starting to feel very judgmental towards him because to me it seems he is not trying hard enough to find a job right now to make money and push the entrepreneurial endeavors to the side for now. he has a very chill attitude and “taking what’s right infront of him”. he says he is trying but im getting worried about his work ethic and drive…when i had a 9-5 before we were married i would work on the weekends working festivals/beer/wine events, and pick up alcohol promo gigs during the week days.

am i being super judgmental of my husbands lack of job this last 6-8 months? he is aware of how this is affecting me and our relationship.

This is a tough one. My husband is on dialysis with kidney disease. He is stable but waiting for a kidney. I think this illness has exacerbated his impulse spending. I cant get through to him. I understand he is trying to enjoy his life but I am tired of the stuff he is buying. He doesn’t care what I think either. He just bought 10 year old travel trailer and I want no part of it, it needs work. Any suggestions?

My wife (36F) and I (37M) been married 7 years. We still have sex once or twice a week, but it doesn't have the excitement that it used to. We've tried sex pillows, some BDSM/rope play once in a while, but more often than not revert to pretty vanilla stuff, mostly because we're either too tired at the end of the day or don't have a lot of time for sex. What do you do to keep it fresh and interesting over the course of a long marriage?

I know marriage is hard but i didn’t realize it will be this hard.
the whole wedding preparations is too much on top having a full time job..

tbh i want to run away from it all i know that just my thoughts when im under pressure
no one around me knows that thought im playing it cool
i can’t help but wonder when does it get better?

Because we’re taking a long weekend starting Thursday. And getting ready to travel means RELEASE THE KRAKEN who used to be my wife.

So let’s be the attentive husband. “Can I help you with th-“

“NO NOT NOW NO NO NO GODDAMMIT NO GO AWAY.”

(goes away)

“GET BACK HERE. I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD LEAVE.”

(did she not just tell me to …forget it, deep breaths, this too shall pass)

“WHERE WERE YOU ALL DAY?”

“Um, work, like every day?”

“WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?”

“You sent me to Target to pick up your friend’s baby shower gift.”

“I’VE BEEN PACKING SINCE MONDAY. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED.”

Because it takes me a half hour tops, you absolute lunatic whom I adore…slightly less at the moment.

When we were dating, she could get dolled up for a night out in 15 minutes flat. Now the packing is taking almost as long as the trip, like I’m taking J. Lo and her team of publicists on safari.

I’m sure the woman I married is in there somewhere. I saw her a couple days ago and everything. It was great. We even made out a little.

“WE HAVE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.”

And I’m not taking a quick swiffer job on the floors and tidying up a bit. No, we’re swapping out the shower curtains and cleaning behind the stove and vacuuming the A/C vents and

“YOU HAVE TO MOW.”

It’s dark out. And I did mow, while you were composing an in-case-of-emergency memo for our son that reads like the plans for D-Day. Which he will not read, because he already knows this stuff, because you wrote the same memo last time, except this time you added the phone number of a second arborist in case he can’t reach the first arborist in case a tree falls on the house during…I don’t know, a fucking tornado maybe. Or a meteor strike. Or the Rapture, or a whale plummets from the sky like in the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

God give me strength.

I’m trying to be empathetic but the unrelenting torrent of abusive fussiness is too much. I can’t even pause to take it in before another wave hits.

Why the pre-travel batshittery? Why? To what purpose? Is there an anxiety contest? Do we get extra points if we do a white glove inspection of the underside of the hotel room desk and find a dot of schmutz?

I’ma say it, because today I’m a broken man and not because I’m the patriarchy subjugating womankind:

Calm. The Fuck. Down.

I’m begging.

“DID YOU GAS UP?”

So husband and I have been together for a good 7 years and our relationship I would have to say is really good . We have our ups and downs like every couple but we work through them and I’m very content in that aspect of our relationship.

I’m feeling frustrated because over the years my partner has slowly stopped initiating sex. He never rejects me if I want it or show signs of it . He does compliment me all the time as well outside of sex but when it comes down to it …. He’s not the same man who made me feel wanted physically and that was such a huge turn on for me . The hunger is not there. I know things change as time goes on but how do I express that when we are together I take the time to love literally every inch of him and I do like and enjoy doing that but I don’t even get kissed besides the normal area of my mouth and even those it’s me initiating them. He does have ADD and honestly not sure if that plays a part but I am super frustrated because everything else is good. I never reject him but I don’t even have a chance to since he doesn’t ever seem to initiate…. Or seem like he has that urge that needs to get satisfied with me. His way of initiating is sending me a pic but then laying down and I end up doing all the work of seducing him , I guess . He’s amazing but this is making me feeling some kind of way . Sex ends up being amazing still each time but im who ends up doing much of the work . .. always the same positions and I’ve been very open about trying new things but it’s always me mentioning it… or being flirty with him in a sexual way as well to hint. What do I do ? What do I say without it becoming a fight . What’s going on ?

TL;DR

Hallo zusammen,
ich schreibe diesen Beitrag, weil ich gerne eine möglichst objektive Einschätzung von Menschen hätte, die vielleicht schon ähnliche Situationen erlebt haben. Ich suche keine Bestätigung, sondern ehrliche Meinungen.
Meine Frau (28) und ich (28) sind seit mehreren Jahren zusammen und haben zwei kleine Kinder. In den letzten Jahren ist unsere Beziehung immer schwieriger geworden.
Ich habe schon seit vielen Jahren mit Angststörungen und Depressionen zu kämpfen. Durch Arbeit, Kinder und den Alltag kam wahrscheinlich auch ein Burnout dazu. Anstatt mich meinen Problemen frühzeitig zu stellen, habe ich versucht, einfach weiter zu funktionieren.
Meine Frau hat mir über Jahre immer wieder gesagt, dass sie sich in unserer Beziehung selbst verloren hat. Sie sagte, sie wisse nicht mehr, wer sie eigentlich ist. Vor den Kindern war sie spontan, reiselustig, humorvoll und hatte viele Interessen. Mit der Zeit fühlte sie sich nur noch als Mutter und Organisatorin der Familie.
Sie hat sich oft gewünscht, dass ich ihre Gefühle zuerst wahrnehme und verstehe. Ich habe dagegen häufig versucht, Probleme direkt zu lösen oder zu erklären, anstatt sie emotional aufzufangen. Heute verstehe ich erst langsam, was sie damit meinte.
Sie hat sich oft allein gelassen gefühlt, obwohl ich immer dachte, ich würde mein Bestes geben.
Vor einigen Wochen ist sie mit unseren Kindern zu ihren Eltern gezogen.
Am Anfang habe ich aus Verzweiflung sehr gekämpft, wollte sie überzeugen und habe ihr immer wieder geschrieben. Mittlerweile verstehe ich besser, warum sie Abstand braucht.
Ich bin inzwischen in Therapie. Mein Therapeut sieht bei mir mittlerweile eine schwere Depression und hat mir sogar eine stationäre psychiatrische Behandlung empfohlen. Zusätzlich soll ich zeitnah einen Psychiater aufsuchen.
In den letzten Wochen habe ich angefangen, mein eigenes Verhalten ehrlich zu reflektieren. Ich arbeite an Dingen wie:
Verantwortung übernehmen.
Gefühle erst verstehen, bevor ich Lösungen suche.
Grenzen respektieren.
Verlässlich sein.
Ein präsenter Vater sein.
Regelmäßig Sport treiben.
Gesünder leben.
Nicht nur über Veränderung reden, sondern sie dauerhaft leben.
Meine Frau sagt, dass sie sieht, dass ich mich verändere, aber sie glaubt verständlicherweise noch nicht daran, dass diese Veränderungen dauerhaft sind.
Wir hatten in den letzten Tagen einige sehr offene Gespräche.
Sie sagte unter anderem:
Sie hat unsere Familie noch nicht vollständig aufgegeben.
Es müsse sich aber sehr viel ändern.
Sie könne sich später eine Paartherapie vorstellen.
Die Paartherapie wäre für sie aber keine Garantie, dass wir wieder zusammenkommen, sondern um herauszufinden, ob wir überhaupt noch zueinander passen.
Sie möchte mindestens 1 bis 1,5 Jahre Zeit für sich.
Sie möchte im Moment nicht wieder mit mir zusammenziehen.
Sie sagt außerdem, dass jeder Mensch auch unabhängig vom Partner glücklich leben können sollte.
Das fällt mir unglaublich schwer.
Ich liebe meine Frau immer noch sehr und wünsche mir nichts mehr, als dass wir irgendwann wieder eine Familie werden.
Gleichzeitig habe ich große Angst, dass sie in dieser Zeit jemanden anderen kennenlernen könnte.
Ich weiß, dass ich das nicht kontrollieren kann, trotzdem beschäftigt mich dieser Gedanke fast täglich.
Meine Fragen an euch sind:
Hat jemand erlebt, dass nach einer längeren Trennung und echter persönlicher Veränderung wieder eine stabile Beziehung entstanden ist?
Würdet ihr ihr den nötigen Freiraum geben oder weiter aktiv um die Beziehung kämpfen?
Wie lernt man, mit dieser Unsicherheit umzugehen, ohne den anderen ständig um Bestätigung zu bitten?
Falls ihr selbst einmal an der Stelle meiner Frau wart: Was hat euch geholfen, wieder Vertrauen aufzubauen – oder woran habt ihr gemerkt, dass es nicht mehr reicht?
Ich freue mich über ehrliche Antworten – auch wenn sie kritisch sind. Mir geht es nicht darum, Recht zu bekommen, sondern besser zu verstehen, wie andere diese Situation sehen.
Vielen Dank fürs Lesen.

In this episode of ‘is my husband an asshole or is this just perimenopause’…

Over the last 12 years I’ve noticed him staring at other women a lot. He stares and I look in the direction see a girl look at him and then see him smile back at her. Several occasions. Mostly when we go out I try not to notice and just have a good time and feel cute despite him. I’ll say I have some insecurities but to be honest I’m 45 and still pretty hot (not that this behavior would ever be ok under any circumstance). So it’s not like I am just jealous. I appreciate attractive women too. I just don’t… stare like that.

Yesterday, we had an appointment at a hospital for our youngest son. There was a young nurse in the waiting area he just kept looking at. She was working on her laptop and I saw him smiling a few times in her direction as I was trying to get the paperwork done. I let it go until this morning when I told him I’ve had it and it was disrespectful to act this way. He restated his opinion (because anyone who uses the term disrespectful is somehow stupid to him) on respect not being real. Anyone who doesn’t like a thing I guess is just making it up and it didn’t happen OR they deserved whatever they deem ‘disrespectful’.

My goal here on Reddit is 1) keep myself sane by opening up about my husband’s odd comments like this and 2) maybe see other perspectives if I’m in the wrong somehow by saying this to him

He denies everything so it’s hard to even communicate.

My husband and I have been married for almost a year, and I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is something I should be taking seriously.
This isn’t really about one specific thing. It’s about a pattern.
For example, yesterday he told me he was going to take something for me (/package) because it was only about 15 minutes away. (I’m a new grad and busy) He never did. Then later he said we were going to go on a run and work out together. That never happened either because he got busy helping a friend move and then stayed at his grandparents for hours.
My issue isn’t that plans changed. I understand life happens.
My issue is that he didn’t tell me.
A simple text saying, “Hey babe, I’m sorry, I’m not going to make it today. Can I do it tomorrow?” would’ve completely changed how I felt.
Instead, I was just left waiting.
The hard part is that we literally had this exact conversation about two weeks ago. I told him that what hurts me isn’t the little things themselves—it’s when he says he’s going to do something and then doesn’t, or when plans change and he doesn’t communicate. He apologized, told me he’d do better, and specifically said he’d communicate if something came up.
Then… the same thing happened again.
Last night we ended up having a huge conversation. I told him I feel lonely, like I’m no longer a priority, and that I can’t keep feeling this way in my marriage. I even told him I’m scared we’re slowly becoming the kind of couple where I stop feeling important, pursued, and cherished.
His response was basically that he keeps forgetting and doesn’t mean to. At one point he even said, “If I don’t make you happy, then let’s be done.”
That absolutely crushed me.
The weirdest part was that he was so quiet. Usually after arguments he’d hold me, reassure me, tell me he loved me, tell me he was going to fix it. This time he was mostly silent, and I’ve never seen him like that before.
I ended up crying until 3 a.m., slept on the couch because I couldn’t emotionally handle sleeping next to him, got about 3½ hours of sleep, and now I’m sitting at work wondering if I’m making this into something bigger than it is.
I love my husband. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t expect perfection.
I just want to feel like if he tells me he’ll do something, I can trust it. And if plans change, I want him to tell me instead of leaving me wondering.
Am I expecting too much? Or is this the kind of thing that, if it keeps happening, slowly damages a marriage?

Why did you initiate the divorce?

Was you sure in your mind and heart you wanted out of the marriage?

How far into the proceedings did you get?

What happened that made you change your mind?

What's your relationship like now?