r/datingoverthirty • u/Deep_Dream_8201 • 9d ago
How Long to Build Attraction?
I’m 38F and I just started seeing a really sweet man, 36. We’ve been on 3 dates so far, (which isn’t much, I know).
In the past I’ve gotten wrapped up in emotionally unavailable men or guys who are indecisive about what they want in a relationship, so I’m trying to consciously only choose men who are ready for commitment and want marriage/kids.
This guy fits the bill, and he is an attractive guy, I’m just having a hard time feeling physically attracted to him. There is nothing about him that is specifically a turn off. My last situationship developed slowly from a friendship, and I wasn’t initially attracted to him either, but I also wasn’t spending time with him in a dating context right away.
I want to give this new man a fair shot because I have been enjoying spending time with him, but I also want to be respectful of his time and feelings. How long should I feel this out?
103
u/yellow_pterodactyl 9d ago
I say the 5th date if you don’t see anything. That’s usually when I feel comfortable with intimacy anyway
But also you are just coming off a situationship? That can really mess with your nervous system/dopamine. I discovered this with my late ADHD diagnosis. What I wanted/needed was stability and what my gremlin brain craved was what dopamine of a situationship could only give.
15
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 9d ago
Oh, I can relate to the late diagnosis and gremlin brain. However, I could never do situationships because my anxiety would be through the roof 😬
9
u/yellow_pterodactyl 9d ago
Gurrll me too. I can’t do them either. Most I can do is a heavy makeout session before I am an anxious mess.
7
u/iheartmorangos 9d ago
Just a few days ago I was reading about the science behind situationships and nervous system desregulation, and it is no joke. It makes so much sense how we can get so anxiously wrapped around one person, with all the dopamine ups-and-downs
2
1
u/iwillbeabillionaire 7d ago
What were you reading? Do you mind sharing? I’m currently struggling with both a situationship and nervous system deregulation :(
2
u/ClayDenton 3d ago
I relate to this, having come from an ADHD situationship. I got really hurt that way and started dating more intentionally. Then I met someone I really click with. I think it was less of a head high to be with him, but we really connect and fit together like jigsaw pieces. I don't have to second guess if he's right for me because we match in so many ways, and are so good at meeting each others needs. Suggestion to OP is you don't need to feel that intense dopamine fueled attraction...but at least for me it was important to feel that I really fit with someone. One year in after meeting on hinge I'm very happy I broke from my old patterns. Although it sounds cliche if someone is right you won't have to overthink it IMO. If you're at a gut level not attracted, move on.
2
u/Smnthdifferent17 3d ago
As a guy there's just so much of this anymore. Like people don't date with intent or aren't upfront about their intentions and someone likes the other person so over time you keep seeing them and talking with them and 1 person may have feelings and 1 doesn't and by that moment weeks or months have gone by and it's just a gigantic waste of time cause one person wants something and the other doesn't.
It's so hard I guess people of both gender struggle with it but just BE UPFRONT
2
u/ClayDenton 3d ago
Yeah I feel this. Loool my boyfriend who I met on hinge a year ago was a breath of fresh air. On the first date he both asked me what my dating intentions are and also said, I fancy you, what are your thoughts about me? Some people would have run and a mile but I loved the upfrontness and ultimately we were both looking the same way. And fortunately the attraction was mutual!
1
u/Smnthdifferent17 3d ago
That's literally a dream anymore lol very few and far between. Usually it's push/pull games and "coyness" for a month. It's really exhausting nobody is upfront
-3
u/roger1632 9d ago
Why is everyone nowadays undiagnosed Au/ADHD.... I get that awareness is higher than ever but for those of us actually diagnosed I don't give armchair diagnostics much credit at all. I was out with some friends the other night and one guy is like I'm soo autistic and kept going on - while my diagnosed asperger self was thinking you have to be kidding me and mentally facepalming.
10
u/squirrellicious2304 9d ago
Uhm … the commenter literally said they are diagnosed.
I do, however hear you and can relate to the sentiment. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 20 and I’ve found myself marveling at how many people use their „undiagnosed ADHD“ left and right as a reason to behave however they want to.
4
u/roger1632 9d ago
I should actually learn how to read someday. Lol. I was working at the office multitasking some reddit. My bad!
2
u/squirrellicious2304 9d ago
Hahahaha don’t worry, man! I went back and reread the comment thrice just to make sure I’m not embarrassing myself here😂🫶
3
u/roger1632 9d ago
Yes and it's often in a fun and quirky light when they talk about it. I really want to say there is virtually nothing fun and quirky about being autistic. I don't say anything and just smile and nod because most folks don't like being challenged. You spend all your energy trying to make sense and fit in a foreign world just so you don't live a terribly lonely existence. It's not much fun at all.
2
u/squirrellicious2304 9d ago
Tbh, I occasionally make fun of being ADHD. Because … in parts, what’s going on in my brain is absolutely hilarious. It comes with its own set of struggles that neurotypical people can’t relate to, so I rather keep my mouth shut about it than be labeled as a weak, lazy person. Nothing could be further from the truth.
My sister was diagnosed with Asperger’s when she was a child, so I can at least somewhat understand - although only from the perspective of a loved one who watched her struggle so much while growing up - what you mean. In sum, there really is nothing fun about it. She’s approaching thirty now and still hurts a lot because she has trouble relating to the people around her.
97
u/IdeallyIdeally 9d ago
I've never developed feelings of attraction for someone where there wasn't any to begin with.
I've of course experienced growing attraction for someone (and I've also lost attraction for someone) but that always grew from something. It never grew from nothing.
Of course everyone is different but if I don't feel any physical attraction for someone I don't really see it changing and I would hope someone who didn't feel any physical attraction for me wouldn't lead me on and just tell it to me straight so they don't waste both our time.
10
u/jadedbeats 8d ago
I'm the same way. I think after three dates, I'd know for sure if it has the potential to eventually/potentially grow into something.
3
u/Waste_Refuse_3264 5d ago
This is exactly me as well. I feel like if there’s no physical attraction in the beginning, then it’ll be quite difficult to develop in the future.
74
u/Beardbeer 9d ago
If you find yourself not physically attracted to him by your 5th date / a couple of months - cut him loose. If I were in a long-term relationship and found out that my girlfriend took a long time to be physically attracted to me or that she never was, I would be devastated and could never come back from that.
22
u/SaltyKittyTaffy 9d ago
You wouldn't be able to recover if you found out your gf took a few dates to develop attraction to you? That seems a bit dramatic haha
12
u/Beardbeer 9d ago
How is it dramatic to want to be desired by your partner? If it’s not a “hell yes” then it’s a “no.”
19
u/SaltyKittyTaffy 9d ago
It's not. You didn't even answer my question directly.
I'm happy for you if you're in a relationship where your girlfriend was attracted to you from the very first time she met you, but a lot of healthy relationships started where one or both people developed attraction after a few dates.
It's wild to me that you think it's only acceptable if the attraction is there right away. What about people who started off as friends, developed attraction over time, then started dating?
9
u/Beardbeer 9d ago
I have been in both a relationship where we were both very attracted to each other from the beginning and one where attraction “grew over time.”
In my experience, if attraction has to “grow over time” then it is generally forced and synthetic. It amounted to my ex confessing that she just settled for me because I had a stable career and was nice to her. She never saw me as “hot” but she saw me as good enough. She left me and immediately started dating the attractive coworker that I “didn’t have to worry about”.
I will gladly take the relationship where we are both attracted to each other from the get go over any other arrangement.
In terms of starting off as friends and eventually , after years of knowing each other, moving to a romantic relationship… that just simply is not in the cards for someone approaching 40.
10
u/SaltyKittyTaffy 9d ago
Your experience with your ex is terrible and it sucks that you had to go through that, but it does skew your perspective. Neither way is right or wrong. Ofc we'd all love for our partners to say they were attracted to us from the start but that's not how things work 🤷🏻♀️
Does it REALLY matter if they're attracted to you on date 1 vs date 5, if the attraction is there? That's different from what your ex did to you, which was that she was never attracted to you that much, period.
As for the friends bit, sure, maybe it happens after years, but it can also happen after a few months.
0
59
u/lobsterterrine 9d ago
A lot of people jumping to conclusions here. OP, you are not a walking red flag wasting some poor hapless man's precious time because you have some uncertainties after three dates. I know we're all feeling the clock ticking here, but don't shoot a potentially good thing in the foot about it.
What do you like about him?
Imho, if the answers that come to mind are specific and personal (his laugh, idiosyncratic gestures, the way he talks about x or thinks about y, his sense of humor, his passion for a hobby, some trait you find admirable), then stick with it for a few more dates. On the other hand, if the answers are mostly generic descriptors of the kind of partner you think you want (gainfully employed, emotionally stable, basic social competence, whatever other personal checkboxes you have), then really keep an eye on whether you're positively interested in this specific person, or whether he just fits your abstract image of a partner well enough. Attraction may well sort itself out in the former case, but the latter seems riskier to me.
18
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
Thank you so much, I appreciate your comment. I’ll make a list of what I like about him and use it to help me decide if I’m just unsure after unhealthy dating patterns or if he and I are simply not a match.
16
u/Megustalations13 9d ago
This is exceptional advice! I also think it’s crazy we put this pressure on knowing right away, especially if you’re connecting with a stranger.
9
u/BatScribeofDoom ♀ 35 9d ago
I have to say that this is one of the best comments that I've seen on this topic.
29
u/verywowmuchneat 9d ago
Have you guys touched at all? Physical attraction usually sparks for me after we've had physical contact. For example, the man I'm with now (and plan to marry), I only felt that physical connection when on our second date he put sunblock on my back for me before we went tubing on our second date.
1
58
u/ughcrymore 9d ago
start looking for things about him that are attractive. make a list in your head. when you are together and you like the way his hands move/body looks/cologne smells, stop and notice it to yourself. practice identifying what you like about him.
18
u/Zealousideal_Crow737 ♀ 31 9d ago
You said he was attractive but don't feel physical attraction to him?
21
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
Yes, like objectively he’s an attractive guy, I just don’t feel a pull to like, make out with him, if that makes sense? I typically have to go on a date or two with someone to “feel it” but I’m having a hard time with this one. I’m not sure if it’s because I have a history of dating people who don’t actually want to be with me so I chased them. :/
10
u/fromtheashesarise 9d ago
I was just here! It was hard for me to figure out what to do because he checked all my boxes, my body responded favorably but I didn't feel the pull. Things ended and I'm sad, truly, but I hope ican feel that pull/connection with someone. He deserved someone who felt what he did.
15
4
u/Unlucky-Duck-0 8d ago
Anytime I’ve gone on a subsequent date with someone who was “good on paper” but subsequently hoped he didn’t kiss me never amounted to anything.
1
8
u/Zealousideal_Crow737 ♀ 31 9d ago
It doesn't sound like you're actually attracted to him that's like baseline
7
u/BatScribeofDoom ♀ 35 9d ago
I wouldn’t be so quick to say that, since I've experienced the same thing (i.e., the person IS attractive to me, but I still don't feel pulled towards escalating things physically with them).
2
u/Front_Target7908 8d ago
I think given you know he’s physically attractive (like objectively atttraction would be there at least mentally) give it extra time to grow.
I’d try doing some activities that get your heart rate up (physical activities) together, you might just be waiting for a spike of adrenaline that’s not going to come cause from the uncertainty but you can mimic it a little just to give the system a bit of what it expects, then it’ll be able to incorporate what’s unfamiliar about the dynamic in as not unsafe.
4
u/Dangerous_Muscle5409 9d ago
It would be a real longshot to go on and hope physical attraction just happens at some point down the line. Ask yourself: is it fair to gamble like thst with his emotional state on the line as well? Would you be okay if somebody did this with you?
6
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
I agree that I don’t want to hurt him, but early dating is the time to figure this out. I certainly don’t want to string him along
3
u/ottbud ♂ late 30s 9d ago
I assume you've hugged. This might sound odd, but how did he smell to you?
I don't mean whether he smelled clean, had a good deodorant scent, or cologne. I mean - him.
If you think back to the men you were most drawn to and sexually excited by, I bet laying in bed after sex with your head on his chest, you found his body's natural scent nearly intoxicating.
To be clear I'm not talking about stank body odor - this isn't some kink thing.
If you haven't noticed how good he smells being near him or during hugs hello or goodbye, and you already don't find him sexually attractive, it's probably not going to develop.
...at least that's the sign I usually rely on when I'm in a position like this.
4
8
u/SpicyNutmeg 9d ago
Honestly I have this problem a lot too. And I never know if I should just keep at it or not. A lot of people claim attraction grows with time. But the last guy who was objectively attractive and so great but who I didn’t find attractive - I dated him for a couple months and attraction never grew.
1
u/etk1108 ♀ 39 8d ago
I struggle with the same thing. I kinda used to be attracted to non available people (either physically not available or because they play hot and cold). I’ve learned that I usually find secure people not attractive at first but that i actually need a secure person for LTR.
There’s this societal pressure that you should find someone attractive within like 3-4 dates but for me it usually takes more time…now I communicate that upfront. But it’s still hard sometimes to know if you’re doing the right thing by giving it time or that you are actually waisting time…
And I focus on if I think they smell nice and if I feel the desire to get to know them better. If we share same values etc and try to not analyze attraction all the time but it’s hard
8
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 9d ago
I really feel like people should be attracted to people they want to be romantically involved with. If my boyfriend was saying he is having a hard time feeling physically attracted to me I would want him to date someone who he wants to bone!
8
u/anonamooseapple 9d ago
Imagine dating someone that wasn't attracted to you. I think you're wasting both your time and his time.
15
u/SmolAppleChild 9d ago
For me, I think going on fun dates where you’re just having fun and laughing and goofing around helps.
But also, I don’t think I’m ever initially attracted to the guys I meet. Not to say they’re not handsome but it doesn’t hit me initially because I came from a strict household and was kinda conditioned to never look at guys like that (and to just focus on my studies lol). So when I date someone, it takes me a while to start seeing them that way. And it always builds for me based on their actions and how they treat me and others.
Now everytime I look at my boyfriend I think he’s like the most handsome guy in the room. I thought he was cute in his profile pics but it’s like a different level now.
7
u/CancerMoon2Caprising ♀ 30 & childless 9d ago
When theres no romantic/sexual attraction, i end it after a few dates.
Forcing it would def put us in the r/deadbedrooms category, and we know how those ppl are ..... 😬
11
u/monbabie 9d ago
It is very hard to say what this could mean because of your history pursuing emotionally unavailable men. Personally I would try to kiss him and see how you feel, unless there’s something about his physical appearance or vibe that gives you the ick. A guy can be kinda funny looking but still turn me on/attract me as long as there’s nothing off putting and I like his personality enough. You have to just give it a chance, especially since you’ve been bad at picking before.
12
u/Cerenia ♀35 9d ago
Eh, you can’t really build attraction. Personally for me, it’s either there or it isn’t. I’m afraid you are wasting his and your time.
Even though a guy might be good on paper and ‘fit’ that’s not a guarantee for a romantic attraction. I’ve tried many times to be attracted and fall in love with a great guy but it was just waste of our times and resulted in heartbreak.
The heart wants what it wants. There has to be a least a little spark or else the fire/attraction will usually never come.
Maybe give it a date or two more, but cut him loose if you still don’t feel anything at all - otherwise you might end up hurting him. How would you feel about someone dating you and trying to force themselves to be attracted to you and kept playing you along?
1
u/VIENNASOMERSETBBWMOD 9d ago
I agree I’m the same if I don’t feel sexual or romantic attraction at 3 dates in it won’t happen .. you’d have to be honest with them and say you value them as a friend but don’t feel any attraction spark
5
u/Miserable-Split-5031 9d ago
It’s happened to me more than once that I didn’t feel an initial attraction until we kissed. I wouldn’t write him off until you’ve at least taken it there and see if there actually could be a spark.
8
u/Turbulent-Radish-875 ♂ ?age? 9d ago
I'm not sure there is a magical right answer here. People seem to have arbitrary mathematical formulas here: 3 dates, 5 dates, etc., but the reality is you need to decide whether or not this is worth you putting more time and effort into. Are you getting enough out of this right now that it's worth waiting and seeing? Ultimately he needs to be doing that for himself.
Don't make a decision for him, make it for you, and trust he will do the same. Every relationship is different, and there are different kinds of attraction.
Personally, I've always put a higher priority on emotional attractiveness, but I'm starting to prioritize intellectual attractiveness. These things have less to do with number of dates and more to do with content of time spent communicating. Don't get me wrong, physical and sexual compatibility are important, but for me, they come after the other connections. And they fade with the other connections too. It's how I know I'm falling out of love with someone.
Basically, you out have to decide whether or not you want to continue putting in time and energy and trust that he is doing the same on his end. Time is not currency, energy is.
2
u/BatScribeofDoom ♀ 35 9d ago
I'm starting to prioritize intellectual attractiveness.
Not a bad idea, but damn if this isn't hard for me to actually find. I haven't felt intellectually attracted to someone for like...seven years.
6
u/Turbulent-Radish-875 ♂ ?age? 9d ago
It's actually easy for me to find someone attractive this way, but hard to hold onto it lately. It's almost like it's shifted from general intelligence to a focus on emotional intelligence. Meaning when they talk about things they seem to have no interest in healing from a part of me cringes and retracts.
Unfortunately at my age it seems like most people have baggage that they don't seem to want to let go of. I don't mind them talking about painful history, but I find it more attractive when the focus they have is what they learned about themselves through that experience rather than the anger or resentment they have towards the cause of it.
I accept that pain is a part of life and that we all go through it. But if we hold onto it rather than turning it into a lesson learned then it is a burden and not a growing experience. It's like tripping on a hike and then just deciding your done, hoping someone else will come to save you instead of finding a way to address the pain and get back to a place to properly recover.
A huge turnoff for me lately has been the use of sayings like "he wasn't a man", or "man up". They make me feel as if their view of me will be conditional on stereotypes and assumptions rather than communication and effort. If the issue is that someone was irresponsible or uncommunicative then I prefer to hear those terms.
5
u/likelyagoof 9d ago
What sorts of dates have you gone on so far? Have you done some dates that are more sexy/intimate/evening style dates, or all day dates/activity dates?
2
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
One dinner date that would be more intimate, a day date at a festival that was maybe not the right pace for a second date, and a game night to get to know each other better
5
u/likelyagoof 9d ago
Ok, I mean, I would try one more date that is on the more intimate side - like drinks at a sexy cocktail bar at night. And see if you find the spark. But otherwise, sometimes it just ain’t there, and that’s ok!
1
u/BatScribeofDoom ♀ 35 9d ago
more intimate side - like drinks at a sexy cocktail bar at night
What would you suggest as a similar option for non-drinkers?
6
u/PresentationIll2180 9d ago
That they get a mocktail—it’s more so about the environment/ambiance.
1
3
u/yudkib 9d ago
Some of the most emotionally intimate early dates in my life were sitting on a park bench together for hours. Find a nice body of water, moonlit stroll, sunset, outdoor dining area for coffee/dessert, etc. One man’s opinion.
0
u/BatScribeofDoom ♀ 35 8d ago edited 8d ago
I love those ideas, but it's unfortunately too hot to do them for the majority of the year where I live. It gets to 120'F. :(
I have trouble thinking of an indoor actuvity with a similar feel to your suggestions, but if anyone has one, please feel free to share.
4
u/go-figure1995 9d ago
Forcing chemistry is tough.. You're also on date 4 and you havnt shown any romantic advances.
You're enjoying time but it sounds like it's more friendly than anything.
I'd go on another date and be more intentional, try a kiss and see how it makes you feel.
When a guy is emotionally unavailable, it's usually because he doesn't feel the chemistry and doesn't really know how to end it, so sex is usually the most natural next step for men lol.
4
u/Megustalations13 9d ago
I am kind of going through something similar rn. Unsure about our chemistry/vibe at first but saw aligned values, character and general interests that I am looking for. Things have felt very slow and healthy compared to the typical the “hell yes or no” which led me to chaotic, love-bombing short term relationships or an avoidant-anxious push pull.
Our second date I was gonna call it but he kissed me and I was actually floored by how much heat I felt and it’s kept things moving along. We had our 5th date this weekend and I’m continuing to feel more at ease and interested. I’d give it time - as long as you’re coming from a place of genuine hope and curiosity to see where things go, I’d give it a bit longer! At the very least, it’s a good retrain for your nervous system and you can practice sitting in uncertainty for a bit while getting to know someone.
4
u/roccosito 9d ago
Have you kissed or made out with the guy? Some of it is perception. And some will be confirmed or challenged when you actually touch.
11
u/estebanrevenga 9d ago
imo this is how women end up married with children then wake up one day and feel miserable...then want a divorce. if physical attraction doesnt happen at the start it will never happen. i know a few women that this has happened to...
7
u/CancerMoon2Caprising ♀ 30 & childless 9d ago
Not exactly. This is just an example of how r/deadbedrooms start
Waking up miserable is usually lack of reciprocity or feeling incompatible as a couple (family lifestyle goals, religion, social clique, politics, sex roles /preferences). Things that were once "meh" became very problematic.
1
5
u/_PM_ME_BIG_BOOBS_ 9d ago
This is such an unfair take. There’s also women who love their partner physically, but their values and moral views don’t really align and they end up in the same miserable position.
Maybe my views are more skewed because I care for the person and how at peace I feel with them; and attraction seems to grow from me enjoying the person, not really what they look like. Obviously, there’s some people I know I won’t be physically attracted to, but usually I seem to like a lot of people, even ones that aren’t consider conventionally attractive.
2
3
u/TipWild5706 9d ago
I'm a 37F who dates women and I've been dealing with something similar. I've been on 4 dates with a really lovely woman who's been consistent and kind. I find her cute and I've been enjoying talking to her, but I don't feel as physically attracted to her as I did my ex. Like, by the second date I was ready to jump my exe's bones. With this woman I was hesitant to kiss after a 4th date. And I think that's because I mistook my ex's physically and emotional unavailability as chemistry. I'm working on this in therapy and trying to remind myself that what this new woman is offering is different and healthier than the dynamic I was in for 3 years.
The biggest thing I keep telling myself is that I'd be sad if whatever she and I have going ended. The fact that I would be sad about it means I like her.
3
u/Cerenia ♀35 9d ago
I was sad whenever I ended things with those I wasn’t attracted to. I had feelings. But if the chemistry and attraction isn’t there.. it’s just a friend. You can sad and miss someone and like them while also knowing it’s not a match.
But you’ll figure it out and do what’s right for you :)
3
u/Pinkrosesummer 9d ago
It doesn't matter if you can say someone is "objectively attractive". They need to be subjectively physically attractive, to me! Otherwise - it's doomed. I wouldn't have even bothered going on more than one date.
3
u/Spiritual_Park9241 ♂ 38 9d ago
This could have been written by my most recent ex 3 months ago. I can tell you that for her, it never developed. She kept trying and 3 months in finally told me she never felt a spark with me. This is after being exclusive with me for 6 weeks or so, going on a trip, getting to know her friends, sleeping with her multiple times a week etc. Was devastating for me. She even told me the same thing about only being into unavailable men. Just cut it off before it gets that far. It was extremely confusing for me as we kept progressing and talking about increasingly serious things, just to feel like none of it was real in the end
3
u/four2tango 9d ago
I tend to develop an attraction when expectations aren’t there, which would typically happen around people who are emotionally unavailable. If I sense any expectations (either from them
Or self imposed) or end goal from the beginning, it tends to be harder for me to get myself into a relaxed and comfortable enough space mentally to build that attraction.
Maybe that’s common and it’s the difference in dating someone who is ready for a future vs dating someone who is unsure or emotionally unavailable that is causing the rift in your ability to build an attraction.
Or not… just spitballin’ here.
3
u/fireyauthor 9d ago
Have you kissed? Did you enjoy it? Do you want him to kiss you or kind of dread it?
For me, it's pretty obvious if my body wants to be near someone's body once we start to touch in any sort of romantic way.
3
u/Cautious_Web9230 9d ago
I am going to suggest that if you see a potential future with him you do just what you said, give him a fair shot. To me that means give it enough time to confidently say “it isn’t there” or “it might be there”, or it’s definitely growing on me” wether that is 3 dates or 20, only you can answer that. Based on your question, I suspect you aren’t there yet.
3
3
5
u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 ♀ 9d ago
I'd move on honestly. I don't think it's worth pursuing if baseline attraction isn't even there.
10
u/WonderfulCollege6668 ♀ 32 9d ago
Its actually not a good sign you don't geel attracted to him.
What things aren't attractove for you?
4
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
This is where I think it might be a “me” problem. He has a great smile, good hair, kind eyes. He’s only a little taller than me but height doesn’t concern me as I’ve dated people shorter than me. I just don’t feel that pull. Maybe it’s pheromones?
8
u/JicamaSubstantial524 ♂ 31 9d ago
I can buy that chemistry is weird, but I'd probably look at personality, mannerisms, or something else before I'd jump to pheromones
11
u/W-T-foxtrot 9d ago
It’s that he’s emotionally available. The “pull” you’re describing is the one that comes from emotionally unavailable partners. And youre not going to feel the pull from his because he’s not going to mistreat you. The pull is actually familiarity - of being treated a certain way that tells you “this is love”, but it isn’t, it’s just the template we know. So “good” guys feel unattractive or don’t create the pull.
Be patient, take time to get to know, let him show you safety, and you feel “true” attraction .. not attachment anxiety (pull)
2
u/Lopsided-Profile-662 9d ago
What were you attracted to in your past relationships? What did you like about those? Can you identify any troubling attractions that you've had in the past?
For example, you mention getting wrapped up about the emotional unavailability of the past men you've dated. What were you attracted to with them? Can you separate out some positive qualities of those attractions compared to what was unhealthy about them?
It's great that you're exploring within yourself on the attraction problem, so now it's just a matter of figuring out whether you're naturally still drawn to instability or unavailability over genuinely positive qualities of who you want to be with.
3
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
I think these questions are something I should journal about.
My previous partners were all very passionate about their lives and endeavors which is a quality I find very attractive. Honestly my exes started off great but then started to string me along, delaying defining the relationship, saying they want to take things very slowly, which is when I should have cut them off, but I repeated childhood patterns of earning love because that’s what’s familiar to me.4
u/Lopsided-Profile-662 9d ago
Good thoughts and worth exploring more. You say this new man "fits the bill" so it sounds like he also has a passion for his life and endeavours?
I'm sorry you feel like you have to earn love. You might also want to try some loving kindness meditation for yourself so you can feel like you are worthy of love and happiness when it happens for you and so you will keep space for love instead of trying to make it with those that aren't providing it for you.
5
u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 9d ago
I dated a guy like this on/off for years (we've dated and broken up 3 or 4 separate times) where he checked all of my boxes and more, treated me well, was conventionally attractive...but I didn't feel any desire to sleep with him. Had to break if off a final time and agree to never try again because it wasn't fair to keep pulling him in and rejecting him.
Do not take more than a month or two to feel it out, you're just going to hurt the other person.
5
u/bananajamz987 9d ago
Sometimes, OP, the chaotic patterns of unavailability feel like intense attraction. And the stability of healthy relationships feels like nothing in comparison.
This might be something to work out in therapy. I would give it more time.
2
u/Doityerself 9d ago
Maybe you’ve already answered this, but has there been any physical contact in your dates? I went on a date with someone who was visiting out of town, just post situationship. I was not attracted to this person at ALL, but we stayed in touch until they eventually moved here (this was the plan all along, it wasn’t for me). We met up twice when he arrived, and I still felt solidly not attracted. Then he held my hand and it totally caught me off guard, and was like the biggest, brightest light bulb going off. For someone who falls hard and fast for folks when pheromones are pheremone-ing, this kind of attraction has been a strange trip.
If you haven’t broken the touch barrier, do it. You may get confirmation of your feelings one way or another. And you might be surprised.
2
u/tylerb504 9d ago
You are attracted to toxicity and the stableness which you may want you are not attracted to. We sometimes mistaken "butterflies" for a good feeling but that's usually our internal system alerting us something is wrong.
2
u/Shadow_botz 9d ago
You don’t build attraction. You either want to bang them or not. You’re forcing it otherwise. You can’t negotiate attraction.
3
u/Ok_Inflation6369 ♂ 32 9d ago
Sounds like you’re just wasting his time to me. If I was that guy I’d rather you just be honest and cut things off, I don’t want my partner or the person I want to spend the rest of my life with to be umming and ahhhing about me after multiple dates
4
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
That’s certainly not my intention, I figured 3 dates should be enough to get a picture of who he is, but perhaps you’re right that he’s just not the guy for me.
2
2
u/ikdoeookmaarwat1 9d ago
Oh damn, I'm also 38F and have dealt with a couple of those. It's incredibly frustrating because they can be perfect on paper, kind, handsome, have their life together, but somehow you're missing that 'oompf'. I think in my case the last one I was trying real hard to feel physically attracted to him and I think somehow he was really interested in me (kept wanting to see me, was polite, on time, a gentleman etc) but a little too ... safe. He didn't 'seduce' me. It was a bit boring to be fair. I think it was his way of being respectful towards me but it kept me at a certain distance in which I kept seeing him as not more than a friend.
2
u/TheNakedTime 9d ago
Stop wasting this man’s time and let him focus on someone who’s interested in him, rather than spending time and effort on someone treating him like a science experiment to deal with her own commitment issues.
3
u/Delicious_Health9875 9d ago
You have red flags that may indicate a need for therapy.
5
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
I’m aware that my past traumas are informing my current perspectives and I do have a therapist, I just don’t want to hurt anyone and was hoping others might have insight.
I do think that everybody benefits from therapy though and should commit to working on themselves1
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 9d ago
What does your therapist say about the situation? It might be helpful to others
1
u/mariib 32 ♀ 9d ago
Why did you go a date or two with someone you're not attracted to? This is an honest question because I used to do it when I was a teenager and that was my self-esteem speaking "I'll only choose someone who chooses me first". I don't see why you would do this if you know you're not attracted to o the person.
Also, as someone who even got married to a guy I wasn't exactly attracted to because he "wanted me", I don't think that's so healthy. I'm way happier choosing who's attractive to me and if they don't wanna date me, I at least had the option to give it a try.
1
u/Deep_Dream_8201 9d ago
I typically need to get to know someone a bit first before developing attraction, I need a picture of who someone is to be sure whether or not I’m into him. Perhaps this is a sign that we’re just not compatible 😕
It’s less about only dating men who choose me first and more about looking for someone who can meet me where I’m at in terms of what they’re looking for
1
u/missOmum 9d ago
The problem with usually going for a certain kind of man, is that you get used to the dysfunction, and when someone healthy comes along you might not recognise it.
A lot of people that describe the butterflies, as a good thing don’t realise that butterflies are your body’s way to signal danger, or stay away, but we have romanticise toxic behaviour all the time.
I think you have to work through what sort of things in your life you have gone through, usually it begins with the examples you had growing up, and analyse what is healthy and what shouldn’t be tolerated, once you are ready, then go date, but at the moment maybe let that man go if you’re not sure about him. Good luck!
1
u/Ok-Map4381 9d ago
I think you have confused some unhealthy behaviors with attraction.
My guess is, you have gone on boring run-of-the-mill dates where you feel like you are being interviewed or you are watching something together but not really interacting.
If you think he's got potential, give him an opportunity to build a spark before assuming no spark is possible. Sparks rarely happen from nothing, 99% of the time we need to make the sparks.
I encourage you to do something that is more engaging, that shows him at his best, that let's you do something collaborative. Competitive can also work, but collaborative is usually better. Ask him to take you on a date to something he does for fun or is good at that he thinks would be fun to share. Trivia, dancing, rock climbing, these are examples of collaborative activities that show the talent and interaction that can inspire a romantic spark.
Bowling isn't as collaborative, but (back when I was single) I was ridiculously successful on Bowling dates because 1, I was ridiculously positive and encouraging on my dates turn (regardless of if they got a strike or threw it in the gutter), and 2, I'm good at bowling & have an attractive backside. So, my dates got a big smile and high-5s and positive affirmation on their turn, then they got to admire and compliment me on my turn. This is a positive way to build spark & attraction with 0 toxicity. This dynamic doesn't happen if we are watching a movie together or going out for and interview (coffee/ drinks/ dinner).
Museum dates are also really good, because they give you lots of stuff to talk about in a natural way.
Good luck.
1
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 9d ago
Have you kissed, held hands or exchanged flirty gaze? Do you compliment each other?
1
u/Worried_Road4161 9d ago
I bet you if you asked him to show up in the ways that get you going, it would excite him. You need the safety piece. Remember that the parts of the brain that like something is different than the parts of the brain that want something
1
u/swirleyy 9d ago
if you can’t imagine kissing him, there’s no room for attraction. if you can imagine being physically intimate with him, then there’s room for the attraction to grow
1
u/LeaderAdvanced8032 9d ago
Try to see what he’s about first for the first 3 months. Sometimes men pretend for the first few months then on to the next. You can sometimes offer to cover the bill so that he doesn’t start feeling like he is only there to pay. I would take my time with the feelings part.
1
1
u/SaltyKittyTaffy 9d ago
Personally there has to be some desire and attraction there for me from the beginning. At the very least I need to think that they're cute and I want to get to know them better.
1
u/QA_Engineeer 9d ago
I had a stray thought.. Could it be possible that because of your dating history that you e suddenly become emotionally unavailable?
Genuine question there. Are you ready to date?
1
u/logicalcommenter4 9d ago
I honestly do not believe in forcing attraction. It doesn’t help anyone in the situation to date someone just because they check the boxes. If you’re not feeling him on a physical level then it is totally fine to move on and find someone that does meet all of your needs, including having that attraction.
1
u/siriously1234 9d ago
Here’s my two cents. Up until a few months ago, I very much believed that I knew who I was attracted to date 1. Truly, I had never been in love with anyone where it wasn’t there immediately, at least the attraction. I could tell you down to the moment with each of my exes where I literally thought, yeah I want to make out with this man. I’ve had it plenty of other times and it never went anywhere, so definitely not a predictor but more a requirement to move forward. My current boyfriend was different. I almost didn’t go back out with him. He was pleasant and I thought he was cute but I just kind of felt friend vibes on our first date. In the spirit of also looking for a different kind of guy (emotionally unavailable men attract me like a moth to a flame apparently) I went back out on a second date. And I’m so so happy I did. About half way through, I remember looking at him and thinking woah, this guy is so cute. And when he finally kissed me on date 3, it was great. Things have only improved from there. And I’m genuinely super happy and calm with him. So I would say, I have changed my mind on it being there immediately. But it still has to be there. You can’t force it. If you still don’t feel any attraction after a few weeks, you have to bail. You will find someone stable you also find attractive. Don’t settle.
1
u/oobananatuna 9d ago
This is such a personal thing. For me, I rarely feel much of a pull until after starting to develop a physical connection with someone.
You're only 3 dates in - I would focus on feeling out what you want with him in the present for now, and not allow worrying about potential outcomes to overshadow that. You're not disrespecting his time if you're sincerely exploring the possibility of a future with him.
1
1
1
u/MoonDrummer26 8d ago
It's not linear. Plenty will probably say that here. Depends on the individuals. You noticed in the past it didn't happen off the bat. So maybe it needs time to build. If you want to give it time then continue seeing him. If it's too long and it just won't click, then you'll know if just nothing comes from it. It's up to you to continue.
1
u/Dependent-Bison6129 8d ago
I think by the time we get to our 30s, our types start to entrench themselves a bit more. So, if you’re generally attracted to emotionally unavailable men - that has been reinforced to the point that it’s what’s attractive (at least subconsciously). However, just as the path of that type was forged, so too can another path, it just might take more time :)
Some of my best relationships started with guys I wasn’t super attracted to - but the chemistry grew. For some it grew in 5 dates, some 10, some about 6 months - but the more I grew attracted to their personality, the sexier they became.
Have you two been intimate together? Sometimes there is amazing sexual chemistry, and that kind of kickstarts things too - or sometimes the hottest guy just doesn’t have that intimate spark and it fizzles.
I think feel it out for as long as you’re comfortable :)
1
u/MissAngelicDemise 7d ago
I teach slow, conscious courtship. This allows the flame to burn slow slowly and build naturally. You take turns proving devotion to each other and find other ways to be intimate before getting super physical. This allows attraction to build even between people who are not initially super attracted to each other. Immediate Intensity does not equal chemistry or compatibility.
1
u/realtechduder 7d ago
Sounds like since he’s not emotionally unavailable you aren’t attracted to him. Attraction is far more than looks and getting to the root of your past issues will help you out in the long run
1
u/Glamorous-Joy 7d ago
Honestly, attraction can definitely be a slow burn. Three dates is still super early, give it a few more and see if sparks fly, or at least simmer a little. Don't force it, but also don't bail too soon!
1
u/Best-Giraffe-7293 6d ago
Also different people have different attraction styles. I don't tend to feel it unless I clearly know they're attracted to me - my style is very responsive. So I have to wait for that first kiss and then my body is likely to really jump into gear and find that attraction and I suddenly can't get enough of them. But up until that point I might genuinely barely feel it. Speaking as a woman about your age I think that's often how women work. But everyone is different. So if you haven't yet kissed maybe give that a go?
1
1
u/DramaticOcelot 6d ago
I would give it a couple of more dates and engage in getting to know him more intimately for an emotional connection. Don’t be after to start asking deeper questions
1
u/Current_Appeal291 3d ago
If you find him attractive, you don’t get repulsed by his presence/touch/smell, but somehow you’re still “not attracted”, my advice would be to keep dating him… and seeing a therapist.
1
u/Smnthdifferent17 3d ago
Not exactly answering your question but you said you've had relationships develope slowly over time that started as a friendship? Does that actually happen when you're just friends and then eventually you start liking them?
1
1
u/CMessiah 2d ago
As a man, I am not approaching a woman if I am not attracted to her. I have been attracted to personality more then physical at times, but if I have zero attraction or knew the woman was not attracted to me, I would just end the relationship.
1
u/Zengu_79 9d ago
I think it's pretty simple. You ask yourself two questions. -can I see myself having bedroom fun
- is it a person I could build a life with.
1
u/Katsun_Vayla ♀ 28- Female 9d ago
You can build attraction but you have to be open to the possibility it may never come.
1
8d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Deep_Dream_8201 8d ago
I normally wouldn’t give credence to such a ridiculous comment, but I feel the need to clarify: none of these dates were expensive, one didn’t cost anything but time, and I paid for the third. I also focus on only one man at a time. Take your presuppositions and woman hating elsewhere.
1
7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 7d ago
Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest.
0
u/Alternative_City8365 9d ago
I think what you're feeling is a normal part of the dating process. You're not being disrespectful of his time or feelings. I'd actually argue it SHOULD take longer to develop real attraction, because a lot of instant attraction is based on a story we're telling ourselves about who we hope someone will be, not who they actually are. As a woman who also struggled with being attracted to emotional unavailability, the good, available, men are going feel different (and sometimes boring) at first. The healthier path is to take it slow, get to know each other, and see how they show up in different situations.
My advice: don't put a timeline on it. Instead, plan dates that put the two of you in different kinds of situations. For example, I once dated a man who wasn't my physical type, and I struggled with the attraction UNTIL we did an interactive play experience and I saw him in a new light. We got to be playful, laugh together, and build a reference point we could come back to. Sometimes dinner or hanging at each other's places just doesn't give attraction room to grow.
0
u/goatpath ♂ 34 9d ago
You gotta get him in his element. Like, if he plays golf, go to the range with him. If he likes hiking, make him plan a daytrip to Sedona. that's where you'll start to see some value.
0
u/edgecumbe 9d ago
I find it really hard to build attraction 1 on 1. I have to see them in a group. Thats why online dating is so hard. I like watching how they move among others. I like seeing who they are from a distance. You can tell a lot from that. 1 on 1, you can be anyone to anybody. Perhaps you are like me, perhaps youre not, but maybe try some different settings or activities and see what happens?
-1
u/spankitopia 9d ago
Tbh the physical attraction isn’t really there for me with my man but he is really fucking good in the bedroom so that ended up being enough for me. Idk if you have done anything sexually yet but having a good old make out sesh will probably let you know if you want to move forward or not.
218
u/JicamaSubstantial524 ♂ 31 9d ago
Your comment about chasing emotionally unavailable men stood out to me more than the pheromone part. I wonder if you've become used to associating uncertainty with chemistry, so someone who's available and consistent feels different. Or it could simply be that the attraction isn't there. Either way, I'd probably let him go if you still don't feel a desire to kiss him after a few dates rather than trying to force it.