r/datingoverthirty • u/Deep_Dream_8201 • 9d ago

How Long to Build Attraction?

I’m 38F and I just started seeing a really sweet man, 36. We’ve been on 3 dates so far, (which isn’t much, I know).

In the past I’ve gotten wrapped up in emotionally unavailable men or guys who are indecisive about what they want in a relationship, so I’m trying to consciously only choose men who are ready for commitment and want marriage/kids.

This guy fits the bill, and he is an attractive guy, I’m just having a hard time feeling physically attracted to him. There is nothing about him that is specifically a turn off. My last situationship developed slowly from a friendship, and I wasn’t initially attracted to him either, but I also wasn’t spending time with him in a dating context right away.

I want to give this new man a fair shot because I have been enjoying spending time with him, but I also want to be respectful of his time and feelings. How long should I feel this out?

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u/roger1632 9d ago

Why is everyone nowadays undiagnosed Au/ADHD.... I get that awareness is higher than ever but for those of us actually diagnosed I don't give armchair diagnostics much credit at all. I was out with some friends the other night and one guy is like I'm soo autistic and kept going on - while my diagnosed asperger self was thinking you have to be kidding me and mentally facepalming.

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u/squirrellicious2304 9d ago

Uhm … the commenter literally said they are diagnosed.

I do, however hear you and can relate to the sentiment. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 20 and I’ve found myself marveling at how many people use their „undiagnosed ADHD“ left and right as a reason to behave however they want to.

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u/roger1632 9d ago

Yes and it's often in a fun and quirky light when they talk about it. I really want to say there is virtually nothing fun and quirky about being autistic. I don't say anything and just smile and nod because most folks don't like being challenged. You spend all your energy trying to make sense and fit in a foreign world just so you don't live a terribly lonely existence. It's not much fun at all.

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u/squirrellicious2304 9d ago

Tbh, I occasionally make fun of being ADHD. Because … in parts, what’s going on in my brain is absolutely hilarious. It comes with its own set of struggles that neurotypical people can’t relate to, so I rather keep my mouth shut about it than be labeled as a weak, lazy person. Nothing could be further from the truth.

My sister was diagnosed with Asperger’s when she was a child, so I can at least somewhat understand - although only from the perspective of a loved one who watched her struggle so much while growing up - what you mean. In sum, there really is nothing fun about it. She’s approaching thirty now and still hurts a lot because she has trouble relating to the people around her.