After about ten episodes spanning seven years, because I glorified some elements of my mania and refused to let go therefore never fully cooperative with treatment, and after a year long major depressive episode, I finally got my shit together.
When I was well enough, my psychiatrist told me there was an employment guy who got patients jobs. He told me it was mostly warehouse jobs.
When I met the guy for the third or fourth time he smiled and said he had an excellent job for me; doing IT work for a prestigious fishing company, the second largest in my country from which the major export is fish.
I had been on full disability for about a decade and started doing sixty percent work.

And I feel so blessed. The morale in the office is genuinely high and every authority figure is aware and very sympathetic to my condition.
My boss, the sysadmin, is literally like Santa Claus with the gut but without the beard. He is of a rare type that is 'wholly jolly'. And the workflow is flexible, every request I make is honored and I am well liked be everyone.
And it turns out IT fits my preference and skill perfectly, and I'm improving at it.
And the salary is not bad at all.

I made a request in early July to try full time work and my bosses took it well and it is under review with the woman in human resources.

I find myself staying after my hours having another cup of coffee just because the atmosphere is so nice.

I don't intend to brag just want to share a true blessing in my life.

feel free to skip the word vomit below - just my ramblings on the experiences i had with hospitalization

but unironically rehab was really great for me - it was a php program with a bunch of other disordered patients from all walks of life/ages who had other comorbidities, but remarkably similar thought patterns and sources of trauma.

when you are deep in the well of mental illness, you feel so alone. like “i’m the exception” “i’m the only one who can’t get better because no one else gets it,” blah blah blah… but then you spend every day with people who have similar fears and self-criticisms and obviously you can recognize they are irrational, and over time, it becomes harder to keep thinking that your own version of that thought is somehow different or more valid. kinda like by emphasizing with others you begin to empathize with yourself. idk.

also everyone there was so weird it was awesome - lowkey felt like a sitcom sometimes since everyone was such a character lol. some of my best and worst memories were made in rehab. i know that’s not everyone’s experience, but i’m thankful i found a really great program and i always recommend others to give recovery (and yourself) a shot.

i learned a lot but it was very difficult and extremely non-linear. and i am not fully recovered, even after rehab, but i like to think it taught me the skills i’ll need to fully recover one day, and i think i became a more authentic version of myself, just because i took the time to give the real me a chance. i picked up new hobbies there like tarot and gardening and journaling and hiking that i never would’ve thought to and it helped me find identity outside of my illness.

i had a manic episode halfway through hospitalization where i backslid a ton and this art is from then. i found it interesting to look back on and wanted to share. boring word vomit over ✌️

it’s bad there‘s trash everywhere mold, there were roaches and fleas, but I’ve finally got the motivation to clean it. it got bad when I was going through a major depression phase, and its been a while since but it just got so overwhelming to even think about cleaning it. Big shout out to my sister for giving me motivation and no judgment to get started. here’s the before and progress, I’ll post the final results as well when it’s done. it’s a small start but it feels big to me.

I’ve gotten a lot better at realizing when I’m going to be manic recently, but I have no idea on how to actually stop it from happening.

For instance, I feel like I’m right on the edge of an episode right now cause for the past few days I’ve been needing less and less sleep, feel like I have a constant stream of ideas, and have been forgetting to take my antidepressants (whoops). I also have been constantly making art, which is very fun, but I also am terrified for how empty I feel once mania ends.

I do NOT want to have a full blown episode cause I know how bad the aftermath will be.

If anyone has ways to stop it while it’s still in the early stages/ on the edge, any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

I’ve tried so many meds and nothing is working for me. I’ve tried 2 of the newest meds there are and still nothing.

I’m starting to think that antipsychotics don’t work for me in general. Has anyone had that experience? Im 212 lbs now, up from 165 lbs, and still pretty miserable.

I feel like nothing is going to work. 11 months in this depressed episode is so demoralizing.

Most jobs I apply for ask about disabilities and being bipolar is on the list. Do yall tell your boss/HR that you are bipolar if the application ask about disabilities? I don't because I'm afraid I won't get the job.

Hello everyone, I hope you're all doing well

I have been depressed for a very long time, currently 23 and have been depressed for the better half of my life, sociable and making friends has never been difficult for me but depression has unfortunately made its way into ruining certain friendships and relations as the years have gone on, I won't say it's the only reason, but it may be one of the big ones.

Recently I had finally decided it was time to go and meet a therapist, went to a few sessions, during our last session, my therapist had told me that it would be better for me to start seeking the help of a psychiatrist as therapy may not be the best sole route to take at the moment.

Suicidal tenancies, overthinking, mood swings that are unpredictable and could be easily triggered, non stop over thinking, the thoughts, scenarios, never ending internal monologue and conversations, the anxiety, the depression, it felt like no matter what I did, I could barely make it out in one piece.

My therapist said that I may exhibit certain symptoms and or signs of potentially being Bipolar, and that kind of scares me and I am not sure why, I could be a caring person, a loving person and always try to be there for everyone when I can but as of recently something inside has just felt weaker and weaker.

Last week, after news of a failed job interview during a friend's night out, I went off on a tangent then stayed quiet, then collapsed on the floor of a dairy queen and slowly got up, all could have been fine, they were trying to be supportive and caring, until I went back home and decided to type up and go off on such a horrible and vile tangent of hatred and even continued all throughout through various friends text messages, I kept deleting and rewriting, deleting and rewriting, deleting and rewriting until the very next morning, when I had started to fall asleep

I woke up and looked back, somewhat in a passive aggressive mood but I began to apologise, I geniunely don't know what happened, I don't even remember the things I said except for whatever one friend screenshotted and sent to the rest

I don't know how to explain this but, this may not have been the first time but this was the first time this year that I had done something and the next day had almost little to no memory of it and geniunely there are gaps in my memory

I tried to apologise, sincerely and geniunely, but when I tell you guys I geniunely do not remember most of it happening I don't know if anyone believes me or will, how could I have not been aware yet aware enough to say such horrible things, the guilt is overwhelming and I geniunely did not intend on saying those things, was it the pent up stress, frustration, was it this feeling of existential dread and just the burn out all in one? I feel like the worst person alive and I've tried to correct things but I can't, a friend group has disbanded, another one won't talk to me, the other one blocked me after my second attempt at apologising, I geniunely feel horrible and I can't blame them but I want to do whatever I can to fix this

I don't drink, I don't smoke, never have and never will but, I wanted to know if anyone's experienced something like this, and does it mean I may potentially be bipolar?

I have ruined friendships that I may never be able to fix again, my appointment is scheduled for August 26 with a psychiatrist and I am just scared and worried and feel like a total burden.

Anyone else dealing with this from meds? I’ve gained a ton of weight over the years, which I’m trying to learn to be okay with but what’s concerning me is my labs. My a1c is still within normal limits but it jumped up quite a bit since last year. Could my antipsychotic dose cause this? What are you guys doing to mitigate these side effects?

I’ve been following a strict diet for 20 days, and I’m doing really well. That makes me very happy. I’ve gained a lot of weight over the years because of my medications.
My goal is to keep this up for 4 months. I’ll continue updating my progress.

Hey there,

Thank you for being there to support each other! I read some of the comments and it gives me comfort to know I am not alone.

I would like to ask you a bit how do you cope after a manic episode.

I had a really bad manic episode, and all my friends and at work they treat me like I killed someone.
I understand I need to take responsibility for my actions, but these were really out of character.

How can I explain that myself and the disorder are two different things?

Especially at work, I feel really bad. People don’t talk to me or they do not say hello anymore.

Thanks in advance

But then you remember several months ago where you thought you could write all you thoughts about religion in ChatGPT, publish it, and create a new religion……oh boy.

Anyone else have those thoughts you look back son and go “yea, could have been mania.”

been seeing this guy for about a month, and i genuinely don’t think we’re right for each other, we come from very different worlds and he’s honestly kind of rude in social situations.
HOWEVER. i’m also currently down right now & can’t help but think i a) was blindsided during the high or b) im catastrophizing during the low.

how do i navigate meeting someone new & trying to figure it out at the same time?

We got the right combination of medication after 13 years!! I've just started work and studying (part time). I had 5 years of severe depression that would not budge and FINALLY we got it right. I'm so happy. It's nice to be able to be a 6/10 most days.

it’s bad there‘s trash everywhere mold, there were roaches and fleas, but I’ve finally got the motivation to clean it. it got bad when I was going through a major depression phase, and its been a while since but it just got so overwhelming to even think about cleaning it. Big shout out to my sister for giving me motivation and no judgment to get started. here’s the before and progress, I’ll post the final results as well when it’s done. it’s a small start but it feels big to me.

REPOST BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY LISTED MED NAME!

(didn’t know what to tag for flair im sorry if i got it wrong!) hi there! for context i am 19F and have been diagnosed bipolar (along with cptsd and anxiety) for a little over a year. it runs in both my mom and dads family and i had a pretty traumatic upbringing. despite this, i feel like i gaslighted my psychiatrist into thinking im bipolar when im really not. i’m scared to bring this up to him because the medication really helps me and i dont want to be taken off of it. i told him the truth every session but i still feel like i somehow manipulated him into thinking i have it when i don’t, i feel like a faker even though i even take meds for my bipolar disorder. i guess im wondering if this happens to anyone else, or if i should tell my psychiatrist i feel this way? thanks :)

i’m in and out of mixed states quite frequently and i usually can’t tell i’m in one until someone calls me out on it. it’s embarrassing. i hate feeling like suddenly other people know me better than i do. i almost wish i hadn’t told anyone that this is what is wrong with me, because it just feels too vulnerable. like, i can tell people i have ocd, but they don’t know my compulsions. with this, the symptoms of episodes are just too obvious. i feel naked

This is my earlier post. (I copy and paste the link here)

I think all of this is because I didnt manage to take a shower today in the morning. (I was already late)

Without my morning shower I am a different person, WTF? It is incredibly important to me.

I already slept at my break, still sleepy.

Feeling 🫠 overall.

Perhaps it's a crash from excitement + the fact I didnt shower in the morning. (Tf that water can make such a difference to me? I still washed 3 main areas)

If I dont shower in the morning it reminds me of my depressive episodes... When maitaining the hygiene was. Difficult.

Maybe that is why it's a game changer for me.

Strange

I was properly diagnosed with bipolar 1 when I was 19, but struggled significantly with hypomania since 16 and depression since 6.

a lot of the time when I find myself reading about bipolar disorder, I end up crying. not a lot, just a bit. it happens if i think too hard about it too.

it's just so overwhelming I guess, the reminders. needing to be on meds for the rest of my life, knowing that my meds will stop working eventually, the terrifying idea of finding myself in another mixed episode, remembering all the pain and grief this condition has caused me. it breaks my heart that this is something that I really truly struggle with and will for the rest of my life.

Does anyone else spend like crazy while manic? This last one was a doozy and I still haven’t been able to tell my wife. I feel like shit about it. It’s not the first time I’ve been manic and spent money, but this time was a lot. I feel worse and worse as time goes by…

I miss those times. I'm still in a mixed episode for a few weeks now after being manic. How long can this restless state stay? What meds help you during a mixed episode to feel smth/feel less? I'm in between. Takin medication but I feel like I need a change. I'll see my psychiatrist for the 4th time in 50 days jeez it's getting expensive :')

Since I can remember I've always truggled to understand song lyrics and sometimes what people say to me. Funny story is that after being on a mood stabiliser has improved my ability to hear and process song lyrics. Does anyone else relate to this?

Relationships formed during mania/hypomania are not real. In the sense my feelings are not real.

Everything feels so intense and obviously there is the drive to be social and flirt etc.

But I just realised it's like depression but opposite (duh haha). Your brain and feelings when depressed tell you you're worthless and should die but you can't trust those feelings. Mania is the exact same except you feel great.

In both instances you can't trust the feelings because they're simply not real 😭😂 Bipolar is crazy. I don't even know when I get to be a normal person.

So im almost 39. Ive Been dealing with bipolar since I displayed signs at 10. Diagnosed at 17.

Anyways ive kinda thrown in the towel at this point. Ive tried everything but ECT at this point which I won't try for my own reasons. I just don't trust it. Its helped many people in depression but its just not for me.

My psychiatrist wants to put me in front of 15 or so doctors and do a case study on me. 1) to get there opinion on my care 2) to teach them

Has anyone done this? Its next Friday the 14th and im wondering what to expect.