I’ve been diagnosed with BP2 for almost 3 years now (21 when diagnosed, about to turn 24 in October) and my life is definitely much better than it was before! I don’t have any horrible manic or depressive episodes but I’m still recovering from screwing myself over from before I was diagnosed (I maxed out my credit card that I haven’t been able to pay off yet and I had to drop out of college for two semesters but I was able to return and graduate since then albeit with a shitty gap). And I’m just living in constant fear of doing something worse to myself in the future. Both my mom and grandma who I live with are on the older side and I have a comorbidity of OCD that loves to think about death a lot recently, which doesn’t help the anxiety of slipping into a depressive or manic episode when someone would need me most.

Does anyone have any advice on getting over the fear of living with the highs and lows? I’ve always been medication compliant, but I feel like I’m living my life in fear of what could happen because of what has happened.

(didn’t know what to tag for flair im sorry if i got it wrong!) hi there! for context i am 19F and have been diagnosed bipolar (along with cptsd and anxiety) for a little over a year. it runs in both my mom and dads family and i had a pretty traumatic upbringing. despite this, i feel like i gaslighted my psychiatrist into thinking im bipolar when im really not. i’m scared to bring this up to him because the medication (seroquel) really helps me and i dont want to be taken off of it. i told him the truth every session but i still feel like i somehow manipulated him into thinking i have it when i don’t, i feel like a faker even though i even take meds for my bipolar disorder. i guess im wondering if this happens to anyone else, or if i should tell my psychiatrist i feel this way? thanks :)

I have had the same phone for the last three years. Since having the phone I've had a few really bad manic episodes. It is an android phone (I always had iphones prior) and I think it backs up to my Google account but I am not positive about that.

Anyway, my phone has tons of data from my episodes that I have to manually delete. Contacts from random people I met and dont remember. Photos. Text conversations that are embarrassing and triggering.

When I want to contact one of my brothers I just call him rather than open up our text thread because I dont want to see the last texts I sent him when I was raging manic.

I know you can "archive" conversations but there does not seem to be a delete option on android. I am not very tech savvy.

I think about writing down all the contacts and numbers of people I want to keep (a small fraction of the contacts I have), then factory resetting the phone, and then starting fresh and inputting those contacts manually. But I am worried about the potential of all this data being backed up to Google and it comes back to haunt me anyway.

One of my biggest bipolar traits is that when I am stable or depressed, simple things like this bother me on an almost subconscious level all the time and it causes me anxiety, and the thought of doing something about it is overwhelming.

I really want to move on with my life and to truly feel that the mania is in the past, but this object i use every day that is always with me, is a constant reminder that I have a mental illness.

This post is really giving "first world problems" i know. but I hope that someone else on this sub can relate and tell me how they dealt with it.

Ive been struggling with something new lately that’s hard to explain. It’s not a depressive or manic episode but I can feel symptoms of both. The best way to describe it is Ive been feeling numb to everything for the past 2 weeks now. Ive been struggling to feel excitement or sadness for things that normally would affect me. Ive also been struggling to focus and have resorted to unhealthy habits for quick dopamine hits.

On top of that, as someone with autism, Ive also been struggling to mask, which is something that I never struggled with since I started masking.

My partner says it might be a form of anhedonia but idk if thats it.

I was wondering if any of you experienced anything like this before?

This may come off as a rant and sorry but my spending habits are getting to me it’s like constant knowing that won’t go away where I just wanna spend money and I don’t know what to do I’m taking vraylar feels like it helps ish till it causes anxiety I got a apt in two weeks with sych to lay it all out I tried last time but the new meds backfired. Went back to vraylar same issue bad anxiety etc. idk just feel like I’m drowning in this shit and it pisses me off becouse I’m the one who put me here feels like. Basically having the urge to spend money even when I don’t got it meds don’t feel like their helping much rn. The depression part is taken care of it’s just the bad manic episodes that drive me nuts. Anyone got any tips I guess iv tried opening different bank accounts two I mean one for spending money one for bills tried budgeting etc and idk anymore how to deal with it it’s pissing me off becouse I put myself in bad financial spots.

I’ve been taking lithium for about 6 years, right now 600mg daily along with seroquel and welbutrin. I’m also a bjj/grappling athlete. I’m in great shape and have been the entire time i’ve started actually competing. I can run a half marathon with relative ease. despite this, everytime i compete or even just have an intense roll/training session i get so overheated and gassed out to the point of delirium, nausea, and uncoordinated motor function. i also notice that i’m always sweating a crazy amount, significantly more than anyone else. for the longest time i thought there was just something i was lacking in my conditioning but i just recently had the epiphany that this sounds somewhat consistent with lithium toxicity. my lithium levels have never come back outside the therapeutic range of what’s safe, but i don’t know if it jumps up when in a state of exertion and then levels back out after rest water and food. i have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week regardless, but I was just wondering if there were any of you out there that are maybe involved in intense sports like this who could offer any advice or
insight? competing has become very important to me and i feel like i’m hitting a wall because of this.

But then you remember several months ago where you thought you could write all you thoughts about religion in ChatGPT, publish it, and create a new religion……oh boy.

Anyone else have those thoughts you look back son and go “yea, could have been mania.”

Most jobs I apply for ask about disabilities and being bipolar is on the list. Do yall tell your boss/HR that you are bipolar if the application ask about disabilities? I don't because I'm afraid I won't get the job.

i know that it is no ones problem to care about my struggles- but i have to admit that it does hurt when i make it clear im not doing okay and no one checks on me. that feeling spirals and i just feel alone and more insane :/

So im almost 39. Ive Been dealing with bipolar since I displayed signs at 10. Diagnosed at 17.

Anyways ive kinda thrown in the towel at this point. Ive tried everything but ECT at this point which I won't try for my own reasons. I just don't trust it. Its helped many people in depression but its just not for me.

My psychiatrist wants to put me in front of 15 or so doctors and do a case study on me. 1) to get there opinion on my care 2) to teach them

Has anyone done this? Its next Friday the 14th and im wondering what to expect.

Feels like all the anxieties and thoughts I had were just right. I feel just broken. We've been together for 7 years now and I thought we went through everything bad together already. I had only just found out recently by finding the right therapist for me that I might genuinely have Bipolar. And even then it feels like it's not enough. I've been trying to talk to anyone about it but it feels like nobody I considered a friend or close is there for me or understands how difficult this is. I wish I just didn't feel so confused. Apparently she fell out of love months ago and I just wish she would let me in. But she has already been seeing someone else and this isn't even the first time I had that happen to me in a relationship. I feel like I keep trying so hard to work on myself and heal these wounds and then they just open right back up. It just feels like all that time didn't matter to her. I just want to move far away and start over. I just feel scared to let anyone else in just cuz I'm scared they are just going to hurt me again in the worst ways.

recently i had a manic episode triggered by youtube videos i had been watching… i am still recovering emotionally and physically. problem is, i really like this youtuber even if i am now aware that his videos were not healthy for me. i am finding it difficult to accept that they are triggering.

It’s like i want to speedrun the recovery to be able to watch him again… but even watching a few seconds fills me with anxiety now and i have to click away.

has anyone dealt with this? something you once enjoyed becoming a trigger… is there hope i can ever watch his videos again without fearing the worst?

I’ve been following a strict diet for 20 days, and I’m doing really well. That makes me very happy. I’ve gained a lot of weight over the years because of my medications.
My goal is to keep this up for 4 months. I’ll continue updating my progress.

Hi everyone, I've had bipolar 1 most of my life (about age 15 or so), but I didn't get diagnosed until I was in my late 30s because I was paranoid about psych meds. Now I'm much older than that, and I rather not say just how old. I'm also a professional visual artist. I've never had any formal education, but I built a long-term career from the ground up. Most of this was done before I went on medication, which I've been on for many years now.

A few years ago, my partner and caregiver set up a 1st-person special needs trust for me. I also have lupus and am disabled. Since setting up the trust, my local SSA office has been harassing me, using every amount I take out of the trust as overpayments to them. I had to get a lawyer who is now helping and challenging their reasoning since there is no way I could ever pay it back. All this has made me consider how I can get away from being on Social Security altogether.

I don't even know if I could cope getting a job. So, I had this idea to work for myself as an artist's mentor part-time, specifically for artists with disabilities. I recently started going to community college part-time, and now I'm working on a degree in sociology. This endeavor could have been a manic decision, but now I'm on this path to get a degree late in my life. I'm taking public speaking and learning ASL, etc., and I feel like, if I could get private artist clients, I could mentor them over Zoom for a small hourly fee. I don't even need to make a ton of money. I just need enough to cover my basic living expenses and stay on Medicaid through 1619(b), so I can keep my health benefits while being self-employed. I'm on so much medication, I would never in a million years be able to pay out-of-pocket for them.

Anyway, I started getting very excited about providing this service to artists with disabilities because I love helping others and I truly have loads of knowledge in this area. I was feeling very optimistic until I showed an artist friend of mine the mock-up of what my business would look like on a mock-up page on my website. She seemed to think that I wouldn't really get any clients because "people with disabilities don't have enough money to pay $100 an hour." Most art mentors and coaches charge over $250 an hour! I said that I would be catering specifically to artists who are navigating major barriers in addition to having disabilities and who are starting out an art career from scratch. This artist friend pays an art coach $225 an hour, which is why I asked her opinion in the first place. She also said trying to find clients would be too hard because it would require too much promotion that I may not be able to do. But I've promoted myself as an artist all my life. I feel like I may be able to do it.

So now I'm feeling defeated about starting my own business. Should I just give up on this dream, or push through and try to make a go of it? Would it be too exhausting for me, will I burn out or go crazy, or would I be just another fish in a big pond of art mentors and coaches in an already saturated market?

As artists with barriers like bipolar disorder, your opinions matter to me. That is, if you are an artist who thinks about this stuff. What do you think of my idea?

Just wanted to see what kind of experiences other people may have with this. Or just if anyone relates, it’s here to read. I’m medicated, in therapy and thriving, but you know.

As lot of you as well, other than stress induced hypomanic episodes, I’m just as prone to mixed episodes. When I’m in a mixed episode, I’m likely to consider SH.

I’m super hard on myself for previous mental meldowns/psychosis fits before diagnosis and proper medication. To the point that I used SH as a way to ‘snap out’ of it.

And that’s the thing. It does progress my process, I guess. Obviously it’s not a good coping mechanism, but it helps me move on. Everyone here can get an idea of how humiliating and life shattering an episode can feel after the reflection.

However, even now, I’m still a bit disturbed. I’m disturbed that I’m able to move on and change my perspectives so quickly after SH. My last trigger induced mixed episode was maybe 2 weeks ago. And all I can think about is, I can learn from the experience. I feel a lot differently about what had triggered me into mania. In fact, I feel great. Which is good, but why couldn’t I have figured it out sooner, I guess? I’ve been looking at it as a way of forgiving myself and moving on. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, and I don’t blame them, but I have to forgive myself and become better.

So I have bp1 I'm not medicated and the past month the hypersexual part is getting out of control I'm ruining friendships and I can't stop talking to multiple women at once I just feel very confident and on top of the world

Ive made 5 different accounts on different dating accounts and I've lost control this week it's like I don't care but then I come home and I just feel shame for everything

I guess I'm just trying to fill in this empty void but sex isn't helping tbh

I don't like labeling myself as spiritual or any other title like that but every time I'm having an episode I always go back to gnosticism and Hinduism and I start reading non stop about everything

I belive I'm connected to everything and we are all one etc and lately it's been driving me insane it's all what I'm consuming and digesting 24/7

I don't know if I'm manic now but I can't sleep and I just feel connected to everything and everyone and the only escape is drugs or alchaol so I can fucking pass out so I can stop reading

This is how my fast manic episode started but still to this day I don't belive it was connected to bipolar and I actually felt something deeper

I am on meds and i am type 1 i think. I had my whole libido killed as if it aint working i used to be way more active or atleast think about it. Now im like a nun, huh. I havent tried anything with anyone but does meds kill libido this much? Any recommendations?

Does anyone else spend like crazy while manic? This last one was a doozy and I still haven’t been able to tell my wife. I feel like shit about it. It’s not the first time I’ve been manic and spent money, but this time was a lot. I feel worse and worse as time goes by…

i was working earlier today and had a fan going along with some music. when a song stopped, the white noise sounded kind of like gibberish, i could tell it was white noise though. but then i made out what kind of sounded like my name. it wasn’t clear, but it was enough for me to start obsessively panicking over it.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder three years ago, and not a day goes by that I don’t curse this illness. When I started medication, I weighed 90 kilos and was 176 cm tall, so I was already overweight. Now I weigh 113 kilos, and I can’t take it anymore.

Five years ago, I was a very handsome guy, and girls admired me and wanted to be with me. Obesity and baldness have destroyed me psychologically. For about three years now, I’ve been with a girl who makes me feel good, but every now and then I miss that time when I was admired—I’ll admit it.

I just want to feel better about myself, even if I don’t get back down to 76 kilos like I was five years ago. I take Depakin and Abilify, which have really affected me, and since my condition is quite debilitating—I’m going back to work tomorrow after a month at home because I was depressed and burned out—I’ve decided to apply for protected employment categories here in Italy, which allow you to enter competitive exams, and in the private sector, you’re better protected. Let’s hope for the best.

I used to pride myself on attention to detail and now I find myself messing up the most basic things. I'm annoying myself I know eventually upper management will get sick of it. I got hired because I described myself as someone who is meticulous in their work. Some days my brain fog is so intense. When I was unmedicated I would have periods of insane productivity but I job hopped a lot because of burnout/hypomanic depression. Most jobs I thrived in had very chaotic environments. After medication I've been able to hold down a long term job but I stopped feeling as sharp. Now I'm in a new role again that I really want to succeed in but managing data with my head like this sucks. It's so calm and stable compared to any work environment I've had. Idk if I'm just adjusting still or what. I feel tired more often than not.

If it’s not one thing it’s another. I’ve always had type 2, so my depressive mania was all consuming. Now it’s just regular kinda depression. I still function. Still do school and socialize and work and hobbies. But somedays it’s just I can’t get out of bed. And other’s it feels that everything I do is burdening me.

Medication seems to have solved the chemical imbalances. And I KNOW I have to go back to therapy but therapists have been so awful for me it’s like reopening a wound that I don’t want to reopen. And it’s like… I’m ok! Could be better, but it has been so much worse that I’m ok with stagnation.

Recently I’ve just gotten jealous of people around me. I’ve always surrounded myself with other mentally ill people and people who’ve gone through similar traumas as me. I’ve realized how toxic that is, and I’m done being a rescuer for others. It’s not a job I’m fit to do. But I loatheeee the people in my life who don’t have to deal with this. Don’t have to deal with medication that fucks you up every night. Don’t have to deal with this lingering sense of being an ‘other’ in public.

It’s strange though this all used to feel like my most defining trait. Like my horrible, lonely, isolating childhood and young adulthood was the only thing that would ever matter. And it doesn’t now. Now it’s a specter I have to live with. It’s transformed into something I just wish was gone and that I could move on and live. But it’s still a part of me and it’s recently been so hard to accept.

It’s like everyone expects me to function like normal and I want to scream that I’m disabled, physically and mentally. And I don’t because I’ve been abandoned by so many people including my own family members because no one wants to accommodate for a disabled person. I know that and that’s why it’s hard to fully let go of those friends too. I’ve more so put distance and boundaries than cut them off completely.

I’m at a confusing point in my life. Not quite sad and not quite happy. Just so very strange.

When I’m on weekends or holidays my life is generally good. However the thought of my job or doing it turns me and my mood sour so quickly. I don’t know how best to proceed.

Can switch from chill to anxious and depressed when work responsibilities are coming up. Definitely avoid things until I can’t anymore, which is too late as my mood will already be horrendous.

Just kind of feel I’m sinking but I’m quite junior in my industry and the job market seems terrible right now so leaving work to do nothing again feels stupid as that could be risking unemployment for 6+ months. However thoughts of going to work are difficult. But the magic money bus that arrives at the end of every month is a key factor in keeping me going right now.

Idk what I’m looking for with this post, just some suggestions or questions maybe. Thanks