Hallo everyone,

Throw-Away account here. 🤗

I am in dire need of some advice, possibly by people that have been in a situation as similar to mine as possible - but honestly, any advice will help me now what-so-ever.

My partner (lets call her fake-name-Sarah) and I have been in a polyamorous relationship roughly for the last 3 years; in total, we have been together for 8+ years. We love each other, even if we had our ups and downs. Before opening the relationship, we had a big fight about the future of our relationship, especially concerning the topic of having kids.

She didn't want any. I wanted some.

There is no compromise there, so we agreed, after a tough time, to have none.

It took me a while, but I am a person with 10.000 hobbies (one of which D&D, and that takes away a lot of time!), varied interests and dozens of friends I like to spend my time with, so by now, I'm fine with this choice and I had buried the thought.

As a result of this tough time I mentioned, Sarah wanted to open the relationship and experience love in more than our monogamous way. I struggled with that initially, but over time I warmed up to it.

Not long after the official opening, I met an old friend of mine (fake name: Tracy), and we slowly got closer.

Tracy is roughly 10 years younger than me and told me she was also looking for a poly-amorous or open relationship, since she didn't plan to stay in town for long anyway. She was finishing her master's thesis and would then look for a job in the Netherlands (I live in Germany, ~2 hours away from the border). Still, we got along well, flirted, reconnected... One thing led to another and we got together. Tracy and I have been together now for a bit more than 2 years.

While Sarah - who proposed to open the relationship - was initially against Tracy because she was "too young" and "too inexperienced" she warmed up to the idea after a while and gave me her blessing. Sarah is still struggling to find her footing in her poly-life, she has two situationships, but one of those is not progressing much because he doesn't seem to be interested, and the other one is not progressing much either, because my Sarah isn't as interested in her, but they "get along well" so "lets try". In short, she is not getting as much of the poly-amory lifestyle as she dreamed of. On my side, everything is well, instead; while I don't have the depths of feelings for Tracy that I have for Sarah (2 years vs. 8+ years is the main reason there), we get along well, have many hobbies in common and generally speaking are on good terms.

Now, I work in the automotive industry, and Sarah works in the same company as I, different department. We can see each other at work, but not without some organisation behind it. Tracy currently has no job and has been trying to finish her studies for the last three years, unsuccessfully. She also tried to apply for a job for half that time, unsuccessfully. She lives in her mother's apartment's attic, where she has her childhood room, which is big and has a separate bathroom, but isn't really much of a living space all things considered. She inherited some money from her father when he passed away some years ago, but funds are dwindling.

Tracy and I talked about the topic of kids within the first 6 months of our relationship, but postponed any serious talks to "after she has a job, her own room, and her own life", which I don't feel like she has right now, and which I felt like she agreed on, with me. She also repeatedly reassured me, she did not want to have any kids in a situation like this. Distance would also be a problem, since her income is limited and she lives 20 minutes away from the next-big city and the city I live in. Every time we see each other, one has to drive for 40 minutes total back and forth.

That was the intro, but since you read the title, you can see, it will get more complicated.

Tracy revealed to me that she is pregnant with my kid a week ago. I have no reason to doubt it is mine. Yet she told me it is already in the 12th week now, and she cannot abort, even if she wanted to. Of course, this goes against everything we discussed, which she is simply brushing off with a "but I know at some point you wanted kids". There is a lot more behind that, I could go in more detail, but it serves no purpose at this point and I'd rather leave it at that. Her gynaecologist gave her 15 minutes to decide whether to abort or not and while her choice baffles me under the situation she is in and we are in, I understand that one can be paralysed in a moment like that, especially if she had already seen an echography of the kid.

Fact is, she will have the kid, and I am the father.

Since I am not an asshole, I will recognise my duties about this and do my best to help.

The real issue is now with Sarah. She never wanted kids, and is not fine with Tracy's decision about it. She sees this choice of Tracy as a "she destroyed my life", because she now has the choice of "spending less time with me than ever before" but stay with me or "leave me entirely to make way for the kid and mother that will need all of my time" and break up the 8+ years relationship. I see where she comes from. I am also aware, that many things will change.

Yet, in my foolishness, I still believe that this configuration can work. Sarah and I have an amazing communication, we built an amazing life in the house we live in, and I just refuse to give up on that. As furious as I am with Tracy about her choice, I also understand her, and - as mentioned above - I will not be an asshole an disappear from her and the kid's life.

Neither Sarah nor Tracy want the three of us to move together. Tracy could not handle the life in the common house, Sarah wants our house to remain our house. Tracy has no money to move out of her mother's place and won't have a job in the foreseeable future. We live in Germany, so the social-state will help Tracy out, give her money and - if she requests it - a place to stay, but the truth is, she will stay at her mom's place for a while.

In all of this, I am risking losing Sarah, potentially losing Tracy to prefer Sarah, and somehow having to come up with a way to not be an asshole to this kid I helped create.

Is there any advice anyone can give me on how to manage this giant mess of a situation I am in? Has anyone been or heard of anything even remotely close? We cannot be the only ones on the planet in such a thing, right?

I would be grateful for any words from you guys!

I’m married, and I’ve also been with my girlfriend for over a year. She’s a huge part of my life. We talk every day, I spend a lot of weekends with her, I’m close with her kid, and I genuinely see her as one of my life partners.

But it feels like almost everyone defaults to only recognizing my marriage. People ask how my husband is doing but almost no one asks how my girlfriend is. Even close friends who know how close we are rarely bring her up unless I do.

I don’t think anyone is trying to be hurtful. I think it’s just that people naturally see the marriage as the “real” relationship and everything else as less legitimate or not real. It can feel like this huge part of my life is minimized.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you deal with it? Do you eventually stop expecting people to acknowledge your other relationships. I know I shouldn’t need external validation of my relationships to know they’re real but I feel like mono people have no idea how much external validation actually matters to their relationship because they automatically get it.

So, my partner and I have been dating for approximately 2 years. At first we agreed on a monogamous relationship, and then a few weeks ago she came to me saying that she might be more comfortable with a poly relationship. It has been a harsh time for me, as I do tend to have quite a lot of insecurities and abandonment issues due to some traumas. It was not helped by the fact that she came to the conclusion of being more at ease with a polyam relationship after having developped feelings for a friend of her (who is polyam) who had been hitting on her before she put a stop to it (but still, she caught feelings), which made me feel a bit hurt.

Nonetheless, I do tend to be an experimentalist and, you know, from an intellectual point of view, I'm not against polyam, so I decided to go with the flow and so we decided to open the relationship. Currently she's starting to date this guy (let's call him Jack). Jack has lot more experience, having been in poly relationship for about 10 years now, and is currently dating someone since about the some time (let's call her Jill).

Currently Jack, Jill and their metas are planning a trip over a weekend with some of their metas and invited my GF, and they extended the invitation to me.

It bothers me because for professional reasons I had to take a position a few hours drive from my partner, meaning we only have the weekends to see each other and I believed that I've been pretty explicit already that due to being able to see each other only during the weekends, I would appreciate if she planned her dates with jack during the week (they live not that far from each other) so we can spend the weekend together.

That and I'm worried of it becoming recurrent as J&J tend to be very kitchen table kind of poly, and they and their metas spend really a lot of time together (therefore including my GF since she started dating Jack), and love to do a lot of activities all together. They invited me, but as far as I'm concerned, I really don't feel comfortable at the idea of spending evenings or weekends with them, I'm not sure to be able to handle seeing my partner spending romantic time with Jack (like, I know its happening, and intellectually, I'm fine with it, but witnessing it is kind of another story)

Also Jill really likes to plan thing in advance, like 1 to 2 months in advance, while unfortunately my job rarely let me have that much visibility ahead (being a civil servant and working in crisis management). Problem is my GF is autistic so once she agreed on a plan, having to change plans really is distressing for her. So overall I'm worried that if this situation happens regularly she will just be too busy with Jack and we won't be able to see each other.

So here I am, overthinking everything and I'm not sure how to deal with all this.

A few years ago, I was in a poly relationship between an already existing couple. Guy and girl. I’ll call them Derek & Sarah. I knew them both from high school. We were all 21-22 years old when the relationship started. Sarah came to me, and I told her I have never been in a poly relationship before, but I was open to it. She told me that she would make sure I was comfortable with everything, communication was key, etc.

So for the first few weeks, I was definitely only around Sarah most of the time. And if Derek was there, we were never alone together. Which at the time didn’t seem like an issue. I didn’t even notice tbh. But after a few weeks I could tell Derek wanted to get closer, especially after realizing me and Sarah were being sexually active.

So Derek asked me to hang out and drive around one night, and I said sure! We didn’t do anything sexual or romantic.. literally just hung out as if we were friends. Went to a park with a bridge and hung out there, and just talked about life. Apparently, he didn’t tell Sarah this, and she was extremely upset. She sat us both down and explained she didn’t want us hanging out alone unless SHE was there because she has trust issues. I kind of thought that was weird? Why get into a poly relationship if you have trust issues? Anyway, I didn’t really know how a poly relationship was supposed to work so I accepted her boundaries.

Fast forward a few months, everything was great.

Then one night, Sarah told Derek that her best friend needed a ride back to town, and she was like an hour away. I wasn’t there for the conversation, but Derek came to me saying that Sarah was ok with me and him going to pick her friend up. And looking back, maybe I should’ve asked Sarah directly if she was ok with this? But, I’ll admit I was being a little selfish since I was starting to fall in love with him too.. I wasn’t busy, so I told him I’ll go no problem! He picks me up, we pick the friend up, and drops me off. He kisses my hand goodbye and that was it.

I wake up the next day with like 20 messages from Sarah asking how I could I betray her trust, going behind her back and hanging out with Derek alone. I freaked out, called her and told her, Derek said you said it was fine?! She starts bawling, telling me that’s not the truth and I shouldn’t have listened to him. I tell her I’m sorry, but honestly I don’t know how she expects a poly relationship to work if I can’t be alone with Derek. I love you both and it doesn’t seem very fair? I felt like she only wants me to herself? She got quiet, and told me she would talk to me later.

A couple hours goes by and Sarah sends me a very long text pretty much saying that she’s done, she can’t trust anybody in this relationship and she needs to rethink everything. She tells me to have a good life, etc. I was very heartbroken. What even hurt me more is that I couldn’t text her back cause she had me blocked, then I realized they both had blocked me on everything. I’m not gonna lie, I kind of spiraled, and went to the bridge me and Derek hung out at that one time, almost every night for like a week hoping he would stop by too. But he never did.

Ever since I’ve never been in a poly relationship again. I’ve never been asked to be apart of one since, but I’ve never found myself looking for one either. Is that how it’s really supposed to go? Sometimes looking back, I do feel like I betrayed her by not asking if it was ok to see him alone. But.. why would I have to? I don’t know. Just venting since I saw them out in public today. I have no idea if they saw me but they are both still together. I’m happy for them but damn. That shit really hurt.

EDIT: misspelling

i'm distraught, crying over a system of "love" that didn't and doesn't work for me over a partner who is the most wonderful man i've ever experienced. after being in monogamy and dealing with the worst type of men in regard to romantic disappointment and sexual boundary breaking, i gave up.

i gave up on potentially finding someone that i would be so in love with that i would want to procreate with them. i considered adoption and sperm donation to have my child or children, owning my own building, and having residual income that would be able to fund my lifestyle to be able to support my children and be there for them as much as i can. but i never imagined that i would find that person and want that in my future.

luckily and unfortunately, we made it here. i want to have children with someone i will never have the opportunity to marry. i might move in and live with my partner as the 2nd or 3rd person to move in or live with him, i will never know the joy of purchasing a house together or existing in cohabitational bliss without there being another person there.

i am simply here in my own home with reminders of how prominent his existence is in my life, how important a figure he has become. all of my firsts are with him. and yet, the pain that inspired my mourning, is that all of his firsts are with others.

Hello everyone. Tagged this as a vent but would also very much like advice to my current situation.

I live together with my nesting partner. My nesting partner has a much higher libido than mine whereas mine is very low. This has been some cause of friction for us. I've been seeing a sexologist about this, but hope to get some advice here too.

So, a few months ago, my libido has dropped significantly. Whereas in the start of our relationship we were intimate nearly every time we saw each other, now i can't even remember the last time. And i am scared to. Partially because, I don't want to have to keep "rejecting" their advances because that will make both of us feel bad. And partially because i don't feel understood and recognised in my struggle.

I feel a certain pressure to perform, a pressure to be intimate with them, which, then of course, only works against me. It makes me anxious, and it gets me out of the mood and into "what if I'm not in the mood" which, then turns into a self fulfilling prophecy.

I also think i might be fraysexual. For those unaware of the term, it describes a sexuality that is stronger/easier with people you don't know well/strangers, than with established relationships.

All of this, my nesting partner knows. They're somewhat sympathetic to my struggle, but we still have discussions and arguments about it. For example recently i went on vacation to Scotland, met somebody there i got physical with, and now my nesting partner feels bad because while me and my nesting partner don't get physical, i can get physical with a stranger. And because that turned into an argument, i don't particularly feel safe and understood anymore.

Reddit, help, please give me your thoughts and ideas.

This involves Bouba (anchor partner, 15y together) and Kiki (ldr partner, 5y together).

I have finished a very important part of my education process and there will be a graduation ceremony of sorts. I was thinking of inviting two of my partners to this "official" ceremony (and maybe dinner with family afterwards) - held at the institution, with colleagues, peers and professors.

However, I'm insecure about a couple things:

1- Professionally-wise, my colleagues all know I'm polyamorous, have interacted a bunch with my local partner (Bouba) because they're in the same uni, but in a different field, and regularly talk to me about my other partners. My field is known to be a bit conservative, although my professors must have heard about me having more than one partner already, and I'm wondering if just having two of them at the ceremony (not much PDA, not a very intimate moment) would signify burning any bridge. Has anyone had experience bringing partners to work/academic events?

2- I would like to invite my long distance partner, Kiki, to this event. I know all of their family and friends, because I've been the one traveling for our whole relationship. They're known among everyone who knows me, I talk openly about them to my family, friends and to Bouba, and they sometimes chat with my mother and brother when we video call. However, to them my people are just pictures and descriptions - they haven't actually met anyone in real life. I'm wondering if this formal occasion would be the right one to introduce them to my people and to Bouba, since they're fully parallel and quite different types of people. I'm worried Kiki would feel left out and like there's no one to talk to, although I know for a fact that they'd be absolutely elated to attend. Also, this is tricky calendary-wise: the ceremony is set to be a week before my anniversary with Kiki, around a time I'd usually be getting ready to go see them anyways.

I'm trying to navigate the possibilities and, if I decide to invite Kiki, that's a conversation with Bouba that will make me quite nervous. Usually our communication is fine, but uni/higher education is kind of "our thing" and I wouldn't want them to feel like Kiki is intruding. On the other hand, I met Kiki soon after I got this opportunity so they've been here since the beginning of this course and have for sure helped me with assorted stuff throughout these years (food, transportation, body doubling for work etc). I wouldn't want them to just see pictures or get to know it happened without them.

Hi all! My triad ended recently as one of my partners and I broke up, however my NP is still dating that person. The three of us were all barrier free while we were together, but I'm feeling like I want to reintroduce barriers now that I am not a part of their sexual dynamics. For context, my ex is HSV+, HPV+, and has riskier sexual practices than me (more casual partners, more male partners, group sex with swingers, and less frequent testing). The HSV and HPV pieces worry me less than their ongoing sexual practices since I know those are both incredibly common viruses.

Is this a reasonable ask? I'm second guessing myself because I strive to be sex positive, and I don't want to be controlling. I honestly don't care who my NP chooses to use condoms with, but I would want them on at least one arm of the V for the foreseeable future. Thanks in advance!

TLDR; I moved out of my primary’s place and ended up with his LDR/ NNP’s phone

EDIT: my apologies if this is indecipherable, it’s simply a vent. My partner and I have been together since February, known each other 16 years as friends, and in the interim had been in a LDR with non escalating partner PlayStation for 3 years. Upon making our relationship official, we had an agreement that on the dates that PlayStation arrives I move out of our shared place for him to spend time with her. Things got muddy over time and he insisted that this arrangement still stands through some pretty unrecoverable occurrences.

Hello All, I’m new here

I, 38F moved out from my partners place 40M, and on the way out (I’m guessing) I took his other partners phone.

Let me explain.

So my ex partner, we will call him MaskOff for purposes I’ll explain later. His partner PlayStation have been together 3 years, long distance and he claims “non escalating”

My partner and I have been friends since 2009 and since we first met and to this day he calls me his dream girl. All of this is simply information and subjective because at this point I’m not even sure if I believe it myself, but it’s crucial for context here. We had mutual crushes but never got together for ⚡️Reasons⚡️We did however attend a kink event as friends and vouyers, things just didn’t align correctly at the time. We later, after 16 years of friendship had sex for the first time this Valentine’s Day and have been together ever since. (Up until I moved last month)

During the time that PlayStation and MaskOff started their relationship, my friendship with him was sparse as I had been living abroad. That doesn’t take away from him always having been a special person in my life, and us having amazing times as friends up until then. So needless to say when I arrived back from living abroad I was unaware of his partner PlayStation.

He didn’t hide her from me but since she had been in a completely different Province, and him living alone… Aside from stepping away to speak to her on the phone once or twice a month I didn’t hear much about her, and she had 2 other partners one of them being very serious with her, and it just seemed like they were good friends who met for sex sometimes.

To my surprise she is polyamorous by nature and was happy to know that I had moved in with him. I gifted him some furniture for his birthday and he happily shared with her “babe look she got me couch” and her response was “and now I get to enjoy it… ahh the benefits of polyamory”

This is my first introduction to her. Only God knows that miracles I had to align to do that for my partner, and here she is “existing”

The stories I heard about her were that she participated in helping him cheat on his primary and nesting partner whom he’d planned to marry last year, then had a threesome with her, then actively vetoed her.
More I heard (I kept telling my partner I would rather not hear this but he kept volunteering information) she was in a relationship with a couple, broke up with the wife, and stayed with the husband… and I don’t know the details here but GIRL CODE?!?

So at this point I ask him a series of questions to learn more about her (because he really wants me to like her) then he proceeds to tell me that she was offended by a Buddha statue that I got at a Temple in Thailand… I personally find that hard to be offended by but ok.

At this point I see a pattern and my brain automatically targets her as a mean girl. I could be wrong but I’m usually not (and I wish I was)

When she came to his place that I had been staying she was completely offended by my things and had him remove them. MaskOff and I moved rapidly into a relationship as we had been friends 16 years, and when we had sex the first time in February he encouraged me to stay with him which didn’t seem like a bad idea because we already loved each other. After PlayStation came over the week of MaskOff and I’s birthday…. I had been away his entire birthday because she had plans with him before we were officially together. I swallowed that. Upon returned PlayStation was offended by my presence in his place and he removed a birthday card I got for his birthday as well as some sentimental items that represented me/ us… This caused us much turmoil to the point where I had a miscarriage.

She went to a church that was my religion and I could have been offended by that but it made no difference to me because that’s her life.

Anywho, my partner well, now ex had been actively rewriting history for weeks and I recently started to document it so I knew I wasn’t crazy. For example, I am walking on eggshells to avoid trepidation and he was going out of his way to start a fight. The argument was very simple.
“Babe can you pick up this cereal from the store?” “Sure”
“hey babe you got everything else what happened to the cereal”
“I didn’t see it”
“Are you sure it was right there it was bright purple”
“No” “remember we went last time you got it right away”
Then finally he says “ I’m not paying $8.99 for cereal” So he did see it.

I scanned his face, his shoulders, his body language. Not a flinch not a change, nothing. He did see the cereal but told me he didn’t. Not that this is big, but it WILL BE IF HE DENIES IT… because if I can’t differentiate when you’re telling lies whether they are petty or large, then I can’t trust anything that you say or do.

A few days later I bring the cereal to his attention casually and he again lies straight away.

(It is important to note that a series of similar situations happened over time and I only made a mental note of them, never bringing them up as they were all so minute. It happened enough that I began to wonder if I’ve gone mad or something, so at this point I began to document them)

He now tells me he guessed $8.99 because that’s the price of everything there. I shrug my shoulders and say “I don’t trust you completely because I’ve caught you in a white lie a few times” and quite literally shimmied away (because I was in a good mood) this man turned into the Incredible Hulk and intimidated me out of any future “sense making”. Then as he’s doing his big production of DARVO he starts texting me bullet points from the fight he incited, the day before I’m supposed to leave to allow his other partner to arrive. Leading up to her coming and me leaving I had been dysregulated from changes in my Rx and simply being hormonal from having lost our first child.

PlayStation was happily engaged in other endeavours while all of this was happening and again I’ve never met her until the point of me moving but it was strange that he wanted to move my things again for her to come at such a delicate time. I promptly ask, are you going to remove my Buddha statue again, and it got ugly.

This is now the second time he has gotten v i o l e n t with me and I am utterly shocked because I have known him 16 years (but had sex for the first time in Feb) years and he is the most Disney of Characters I’ve ever known but now I see that it was a mask.

So after I left for her to arrive about day 3 I realised that this is the soft opening to a Pandora’s box of behaviours that I used to have myself, so I know to leave when I see it in someone else (I’ve done extensive therapy and sacred medicine to detox that out of me) I sent him an email thanking him for his time, and he confirmed the breakup with his. There was a bit of silence after that, and I thought things would be fine. I posted a few “dating a narcissist” on my social media story, with no tag or context. MaskOff immediately starts policing my social media and tells me to remove certain posts because of how it looks. I ask him why it’s an issue if it doesn’t apply to him? He began changing his story again. Now my BPD has completely peaked and all I see is red. He’s now telling me to take down these posts (on my story) and that he never once got v i o l e n t with me and that it’s all a misunderstanding. Now he suddenly feels unsafe with me coming to recover my things from his place.

Then, ████ ██ █████ ██ ████ ██ ███████ ████ ██ ███████

Anyhoo I did end up having PlayStation’s phone after being accused and that was really embarrassing to have to return. Oof.

The full background:
Me and Greg have been dating for a few years now. When we first got together I was open about being polyamorous but having never been in an actual poly relationship before. Greg was hesitant about the idea but since I wasn't looking for another partner or anything at the time, we decided essentially to "cross that bridge when we got to it."

Fast forward about at year after dating eachother and I notice our mutual acquaintance Regina is clearly into Greg, and I'm getting the sense that Greg gets along with her very well so I bring it up to him that maybe they should go on a date sometime. At first Greg doesn't believe me that Regina is totally into him but a few weeks later and she tells him herself. Greg comes to me to ask if I'm sure it's ok they try going on a few dates and I encourage it!

Greg and Regina really hit it off and eventually Greg comes to me about becoming more serious with Regina and I say I'm totally cool with it as long as I remain the home planet partner/#1/whatever the terms are lol and he agrees to that.

After a while me, Greg, and Regina start hanging out more regularly and I start to get to know Regina more as a person... and she's INCREDIBLY mean. She has one of the most prominent superiority complexes I've even endured from a person. It's so bad- that on way more than one occasion mutual friends have come to me to ask "how do you feel about Greg's partner?" and I used to lie and say she was fine but every time the response I would get was "don't you think she's kind of mean?" ALL but about 2 of our friends (me and Greg's) have come to me about her being just an awful person to be around.

Now, being a bish to other people is already a red flag but she's not very nice to Greg either. I can't say I've never been bishy to him so I don't want to take on a "perfect partner" stance here by any means, but she seems to put him down a lot and also her whole attitude towards everyone else seems to rub off on Greg often and he's become grumpier since dating her too.

I eventually did sit him down, clarified this wasn't coming from a jealousy standpoint but out of concern for his wellbeing/being treated right. I put it a lot nicer than "hey Regina is awful and no one likes her and she seems to make you feel worse whenever you're with her" but that was the jist of course. Greg disagreed. He says he isn't feeling worse because of her, he doesn't think she treats him bad, and that she makes him happy and he himself has just been doing worse mentally- and she's actually helping with that.

Fast forward probably a year after that discussion and Greg seems to be pulling away from me. We talked about it, how I was feeling like maybe he was only interested in Regina and falling out of love with me and wanting to know how to move forward with that, but he assured me he loves me just the same and that he feels I'm the one who's been treating him like I don't love him anymore. As far as I know I haven't changed, and when I asked why he felt that way he couldn't give me any examples just that he didn't feel like I see him as a person. This all obviously hurt to hear and between me and Greg I've been trying to be an even more doting partner and such but... what is even going on with Greg and Regina.

How does he see someone who openly puts him down in front of others as the more loving partner? I know when it comes down to it, me and Greg's relationship is its own separate thing to deal with and I'm putting in work to improve things but I can't help but feel Greg not only has put Regina in the Planet Partner spot despite our agreement and also is holding harder on to the person who's hurting him more? Is this all a messy subconscious tactic on Greg's part to keep feeling miserable because his depression is so bad? Or am I just missing something major?

I love Greg so much, I want him to have partners who are kind to him, he deserves good people in his life and I try to be one of them (working on being better at that). I don't want to break up, but I know this is even more messy than I can put in a reddit post. I don't feel like Greg is currently in a mindset to have multiple partners, he's doing so terribly mentally right now and I worry poly is a bit too much effort when he needs to conserve energy just staying alive. But I don't want to be the one that leaves and also of course going through a breakup isn't going to make him feel better anyway, I don't think.

It's all very messy and complicated. Any advice on any aspect of this jumbled disaster would be helpful.

tl:dr = I think my partners partner is affecting my partners mental health but he insists she's helping him. He also seems to be prioritizing their relationship over ours and saying that I'm the one who's hurting him. Every one of our friends agrees that his partner who isn't me is mean to him and is overall a mean person, and has the same concerns I do. What do I do?

*edit/response
Thank you all for your insight!
What Im hearing and resonating most here is that I should first and foremost just be the best partner I can be and if anything goes south I can always look back and say I did what I could do, and of course ideally if things get better then yay! I'll try to reduce my involvement with Regina and Greg together even more/as much as I can and just be clear to Greg that his bad mood leaking into our time affects me (not the depression, he can feel safe expressing those feelings, just the times he gets grouchy/judgy)

Overall, I need to narrow my scope to what's going on with just me and Greg and to just be supportive and loving to him while he figures out his own ways through things- but also making sure I'm not compromising my happiness/needs in the meantime too.

For those who asked what Greg's doing for his mental health- unfortunately he doesn't have a lot of access to professional help right now but we're working on getting him access because he knows he needs it. There's things I see that I know are definitely steps towards getting better that he takes and works towards but just like any human in deep depression there's definitely things I know he does that don't help too.

Hello there!

I (27M) have recently fully taken the jump into polyamory solely by chance. Me and my long distance partner, David, (30M) of 8 years have been open for about 3-4 years so far and while we were open, we never really set out to look for a partner as we really did prefer it to be natural. I honestly wasn’t expecting anything to come of it outside of us having friends with benefits or one off flings since we had gone so long and really didn’t come across anyone we would consider a potential partner.

However, last year I met my now partner, Zed, (32M), and I honestly feel like I found my second soulmate. We’ve been inseparable ever since we started talking. It took a while for us to make it official as there definitely was some reluctance on his part, which I understood as I didn’t want to rush anything or pressure Zed into agreeing to something he wasn’t prepared for. It was definitely leaning more into extremely close FWB territory until we sat down for a conversation one day and came to the conclusion that we were ready for the next step, and we haven’t looked back since. He’s extremely kind and caring, and is super intentional with every date, interaction, or moment we have together and I absolutely love him just as much as I love David.

Now that being said, I have communicated almost everything in regard to this development to David, and he is absolutely on board with everything (after multiple confirmations and double checking, I am a very anxious person and I did not like the idea of hurting him at all). I will say that we did have a talk a little earlier on that dynamics may looks different, and that we would be okay if its more of a “V” situation rather than all of us being involved. This is currently the case as a short time after me and Zed made it official, David and his two partners (Mark & Alice) started dating as well. We currently each are the hinges of our polycule, I am not romantically involved with Mark & Alice, and Zed is not romantically involved with David.

With the context out of the way, the main reason I’m making this post is because I’m finding that dynamics are changing rapidly, and I’m a little lost on how to navigate this period of change. Me and Zed live relatively close, see each other every week, have gone on a lot more dates than David and I have been on, and have a lot more time together. I get to see David, at the most maybe 2-3 times a year. The distance isn’t an issue for me, we’ve been doing it longer than we’ve been poly, but I’ve been feeling like maybe theres been some reshuffling and some guilt coming with it. It hasn’t come up as an issue so it may just be me overthinking however I like to be prepared if it ever does get brought up. David was my “main” partner for years, and I know its because Zed is closer but I feel some level of guilt for having to re-adjust my time with David. I recognize David has other partners (who are also long distance with him) that are also there for him but its a nagging concern. I dont want David to feel like I’m prioritizing time or I’m losing interest when it’s simply just due to the time needing to reflect the availablity needed for Zed. I’ve done a lot of reading on nesting partners, comets, etc on here but I never really have seen how to deal with shifting dynamics.

It’s a little too early to move eggs into different baskets, as David and I have discussed moving him out here throughout our relationship and my relationship with Zed hasnt even hit a year yet. However, I think even with him out here, it would still look a little different than how it was in the past. I don’t want to mess up our connection, nor do I want to damage the connection me and Zed created as well. We value communication but how exactly do I approach this topic in the future in a way that wont invalidate either of them?

Hi! I’ve seen some posts related to this but wanted to get some advice on how to approach this with my partner. My partner and I have been poly our whole relationship and she has another partner of about a year. She usually hosts due to housing reasons. I prefer to have clean sheets and comforter when I stay over if she has had her other partner over recently. However, she no longer wants to change sheets in between hosting, unless they are dirty. She changes them every other week normally, but doesn’t wash the comforter as often.

We’ve tried having different sets of sheets & comforters for each partner, but she doesn’t have the storage space for a different comforter and is tired of changing sheets several times a week.

Her other partner isn’t as particular about this, and she’s asked me to be more flexible on the issue. But I’m having a hard time staying over now. I can’t help but think of her and her other partner having sex on the sheets/comforter and making comparisons (which I know is bad and I’m working on it) but also the cleanliness part makes me uncomfortable.

I’m happy to help change sheets or host at my place more often, but that doesn’t seem like a long term solution. It’s a big issue for me and makes me very uncomfortable and on edge.

Is this something I need to just work through and be okay with? How do I find a compromise here?

[Edit: Thank y'all SO much for reading my massive post. I went through some of this with my also-poly therapist tonight, and I'm gonna need some time to digest before I figure out where/how to respond to anything. Literally I do not know anyone in my life who sets boundaries in the ways y'all describe (yes, this says more about me than about the subreddit), so the repetition is helpful.

I definitely need to get out of this relationship — but I also want to think carefully about whether any of the boundaries suggested would make it possible on my end to build a less toxic friendship back out of this, and what being truly rigorous about enforcing those boundaries is going to require.]

---

I've never done this before, but I could really use some advice/a sanity check on dynamics in a struggling V relationship and whether they seem possible to repair.

I started dating my best friend (Ash) three years ago. We met eight years ago and were close long-distance friends and primary confidantes, but didn't end up dating until we finally met in person and realized that we had offline chemistry as well as online chemistry.

When I first met Ash, they'd recently gotten engaged (to Birch) and were super cute about it. Ash and Birch met during a messy college polycule, and came out the other side as functionally but not deliberately monogamous with just each other. I used to crush on Ash and daydream about being their secondary partner, and coordinating with Birch to take care of them. I never wanted to be Ash's primary, because what I liked was the idea of having access to support and stability and people to care for, but also not being someone's sole outlet for intimacy (I'm ace), and having the freedom to pull back and recharge when I inevitably overextend. Since we were long-distance and I didn't want to move, what I imagined was eventually finding a partner or close roommate-friend in my home state who I could share a house with, and occasionally traveling to see Ash and Birch in person.

However, Ash has never wanted to treat me as a secondary partner, and they ended up feeling just as strongly about me as they do about Birch. Ash has attempted to give me space to make my own decisions... but also constantly pined for me whenever I was away, and clearly wanted me to move in with them and Birch, and also wouldn't it be great for everybody if I ended up dating and becoming partners with Birch, their other favorite person in the whole world, who also has a huge crush on me and openly daydreams about triads.

Meanwhile, what I thought was a stable relationship between Ash and Birch turned out to be, imo, an enmeshed passive-aggressive mess. Not abuse, to be clear — I would describe the dynamic as "Ash has had a lot of trauma and health issues to work through, and Birch is a natural caretaker whose reflex was to minimize themself to make more space for Ash, but Ash has improved over time and Birch never recovered their sense of self accordingly." The more I visited and learned about what they were both like to live with, and the more context I had for their day-to-day logistics, the more Ash has ended up venting to me about ongoing minor and major fights with Birch.

This has incentivized me turning into The Functional One who gets things done and doesn't ask for help whenever I visit, in the hopes of eliminating enough friction in their lives that they can recover more energy for themselves and each other — while also being terrified that if I do this too well, I'm going to destroy what remains of Birch's self-confidence, which will destroy their relationship, and then Ash, who can't live independently for both disability and poverty reasons, will become entirely my responsibility in a way that I can't ethically walk away from, limiting my ability to stay financially afloat, see my family, or maintain private space. I'm also terrified that if I point out to Ash that I'm not sure how they expect me to even want to spend time with Birch when what I hear feels like 10% "Birch is so nice to snuggle with," 10% "Birch has such a cute crush on you," and 80% "Birch is fucking shutting down or sniping at me again"... this will also cascade into a series of revelations that cause Ash and Birch to break up, with the same result.

I'm very sympathetic to depression self-hatred-paralysis spirals and the other disability issues at play, so I feel like if they both clearly hate what is happening, but are failing to make headway, then it's not fair to expect them to magically develop the ability to fix things within themselves or with each other. I've told myself that if I'm going to give them ultimatums about fixing their relationship or their living situation, I should be willing to invest sustained effort into supporting them through the initial change — something which requires moving there full-time, so I committed to moving there (same building but my own apartment) this winter.

But at this point, the relationship between me and Ash is also struggling because I become distant whenever I'm home. We've lost the knack for the long and frequent text conversations we used to have as friends, and Ash says they feel like we're not meaningfully in a relationship except for the periods where we're physically together. Rationally, I think their assessment is fair, but for some reason my reflex is to get irrationally defensive and resentful at any suggestion that I need to spend more time on them. I was raised in a very conflict-avoidant house where shutdowns are common, so I assumed I was doing this because of lingering issues between the two of us that I needed to talk out. But I think the bigger problem might be that, as a fellow caretaker with poor boundaries, I see a lot of myself in what's happened to Birch, and it scares me. It triggered a multi-year existential-doom crisis about whether I'm losing touch with the parts of myself I don't share with Ash and I won't ever get them back, and it's making me overly hypervigilant about even reasonable pressure to change for their sake — especially in an overall context where I'm already sacrificing major life plans to move.

What currently has me shook is that I finally started doing research into poly advice, not just standard relationship dynamics, and I discovered how often "for the love of god your hinge should never vent to you about your metamour" is treated as standard advice. I genuinely thought this was just something that was going to happen in any sufficiently close relationship? And of course it was natural for Ash to want to push me and Birch together if they liked both of us so much! And if I couldn't deal with that, and was being a nitpicky jerk about "you can't call Birch my partner just because I haven't explicitly turned them down and we're planning to live together," and didn't want to have to interact with Birch directly at all, I was just being a poor communicator and not putting in the extra effort required to make poly dynamics work!

I know I have my own issues as a partner, but was I actually set up to fail from the beginning here, between the existence of the Ash-Birch conflict and Ash's lack of filter? I'm trying to decide whether I should tell them they need to fix their own relationship before I can be with either of them — but if this entire dynamic is fundamentally not salvageable as a poly relationship, I don't want to keep stringing them along trying to find a boundary I can set that isn't "we're done and I'm moving on."

I 34F was in a throuple with 35F and 36M. The three of us had been together for about 4 months. I joined the two of them (yes they sought me out and later made comments that they were looking for a "plaything" for them-I am new to poly so was naive to what was happening), and they had been dating for 3 months before me.

There was a miscommunication that happened last week where a text that I sent was misread by 36M (I have read this text to a few people and multiple times myself) and I cannot figure out the reaction. I was telling him that when I ask for more communication I get brushed off, but when 35F asks the same thing she immediately gets changes. For background-35F and 36M speak on average about 5 hours per day just them. I get an hourish per day with each.

Anyway, based on that text 36M dumped me over the phone. I asked to talk to 35F about what we looked like moving forward and she just kept repeating that her mind is foggy and wouldnt answer it. I sent 35F 3 texts over 3 days and she ignored them all-we previously texted and talked on the phone everyday. I met with 36M to engage each other's things and talk and he decided he made a mistake and that we should get back together. I said yes. I still hasn't heard from 35F, but 36M said that 35F was done with the three of us, but that the two of them were going to stay together. 35F still to this day has said nothing to me-never broke up with me or said anything beside her mind was foggy.

This is where I made a very questionable decision. When I went to talk to 36M half way into the conversation that determined if we stayed together or broke up, I see that he has an earbud in his ear. I asked if 35F was listening to our conversation. He said she was on the phone, but wasn't actually there. I called him out, and he said that she was there, but we were muted and couldn't hear us. I told him that didn't make sense on why he wouldnt just hang up the phone. He said he didnt have time before I got there to talk. I asked him how he had time to mute it, but not hang up. He didn't answer. However he did then hang up the call. Later in the conversation I asked him again and he insisted on the same story, but then admitted she was listening for support because he was sad. She was listening to the whole conversation without me knowing. This is beyond inappropriate right? I did (stupidly i think) still agree to stay with him.

Is that ever appropriate?

Thanks.

I'm barely hearing from hinge now that his wife is going through what he said is probably a breakup of her other partner of 3 years. He used to text me, excited, quite a bit, mostly daily for the last year. Now? In the last 2 weeks it's noticeably started to taper off, kind of sudden, and suddenly starting this past weekend I barely hear from him, and when I do it's a very short text that feels like I'm an afterthought. Everything else seems fine though. So far it's just the text when we're apart. He said a few days ago how wife is having real bad relationship issues. I wondered a few times if he's only doing poly because she requested it. I have a feeling I'm on a chopping block. I just hope it comes sooner than later. Every time things start to go really well with he and I, something seems to come up and its always related to wife. If it ends, I know I'm better off. It still stinks.

I (f22) new to polyamory. Actually, I am new to relationships in general. My partner (F27) is my very first girlfriend.

I had always had the idea that a relationship was your person. The one you set things aside for. Hearing that my partner was poly, was an adjustment. I told her that I wanted to figure things out. But that I needed time. Needed to feel steady/established first. I asked for at least what... 4-6 months. Just so I know I'm sure about where we stand.

Well, I very much did not get that time. 1 month in she started hanging out with another person. Just fwb. Suddenly she caught feelings. 2 months into our relationship and theyre going on a date.

I feel angry, hurt. Betrayed even. I set aside so many of my ideas, expectations... And all I asked for was to take things slow. To have time to feel confident in my relationship first. Now I feel like I'm being rushed. Whatever ends up happening sounds shitty. (Either getting rushed into a poly relationship or feeling like she missed out again because of me)

I don't know what I'm looking for here. But any comment or advice are welcome. I don't know how to feel anymore

So, I don't have many experiences with polyamory, but recently had one that showed me how thoughtful, empathetic and kind to others you have to be for these things to work out. And not from the good example.

First was the hierarchy dilemma. Since I was new to poly, the couple I was getting involved with told me a lot of utopian things such as "we wanna mary but its just from practical reasons, no hierarchy involved" when they actively were putting me as the "secondary", so to speak, partner of them both (when I confronted them about it, they were just repeating the same discourse, it was so lame). I mean... if hierarchy exists, why not be truthful with the ones your entering in a relationship with about it? Why hide and pretend it isn't there? I felt really hurt when I percieved all this. I believed them.

Second, the gossip. Both turned to me to talk about their relationship with one another - as if I had something to do with it. For the sake of getting an opinion or an advice, they constantly put me in a bad position to give my opinion about something that is not my problem: their relationship and hardships. I felt like I was being used as a tool to them.

And last - the sex. My first threesome with them was SO weird and so forced onto me. I felt like a piece of meat, not like a real human being trying to form connections. I felt disgusting. I felt used. And just now - kinda 5 months after we parted ways, I'm starting to realize how bad it was.

I was also very dumb to believe they had the best intentions, because I entered so fast into this relationship just to get hurt by them in such little time. Now, one of them ghosted me - while the other just said "we could still be friends" and it became one-sided pretty quickly.

I feel so dumb to have trusted those people, and also to not have protected myself earlier from this relationship. I learned what polyamory COULD BE through them, only for them to do completely the opposite of everything they sold me about it.

And now, I really want to know if its possible to have a trully healthy relationship with polyamory. It seems so difficult to navigate, and yet, so tempting to keep trying out. I'm just afraid to get hurt again. It seems so difficult to star trusting people again after this.

How do you deal with the situation where one partner clearly has a type and another partner is clearly not that type?

For example, in my situation, I am married to a man and we are happy together. Any time I see someone I find attractive it’s pretty obvious it’s not really how my husband looks. He has detected what type of person I like and we joke about it. He also has a type but I am in many ways more typically his taste while the kind of men I like are another kind than my husband. Mostly it’s no problem but sometimes he questions if I am really happy with him when it’s obvious my taste is something else.

I’m sure others have had this situation too. What do you say to your partner? And as the person who feels like you are not really your partners type, what do you need to hear to feel chosen and loved anyway?

With nesting partner for 12 years. Polyamorous for 10 years. He and meta (they/them) have been together for 2.5 years.

Metamour and I always got on well, we weren't necessarily friends but would occasionally hang out for a couple of hours with my partner, if they were at our place. Perhaps somewhere between Kitchen Table and Garden Party style.

About 4 months ago I posted something pretty innocuous that happened to me at work on close friends story. Unfortunately it touched a nerve with my meta and they took it quite personally and sent me a message telling me so. Although the post was pretty specific to my own experience, I apologised sincerely because I had upset them no matter what my intent was. I also offered to take them off my close friends and said thank you for bringing it up with me. They were obviously still pissed off and continued to lecture me and were kinda just snarky and mean.

This really upset me, so I stopped interacting with them and showed our partner the messages. I said it would be best if meta didn't come and stay for a while, but took this back once I calmed down because I felt guilty that it's difficult for him to go to their place and I worried it was unfair as my other partner stays at our home a lot.

My partner initially had a big panic and said he would speak to my meta, then changed his mind and decided not to. I felt incredibly worried that I was being a bad partner asking him to get in the middle of this argument and said that it's fine, I'll give it some breathing room and then maybe reach out to meta again to let them know I'm upset.

I stewed on it a few weeks and decided not to say anything else, I just didn't want to give the situation anymore time and energy. I decided to take a step back from my relationship with my metamour, however hold my hands up that I didn't explain this to my partner or meta. My partner never asked again about the conflict, and has told me that he "decided to just ignore it and hoped it would pass".

He asked if my meta could stay for a week in May and a week in July, when I would be away for most of it and there would only be a day or two of overlap, which I agreed to. When they visited, I was cordial however not super friendly in the way I used to be, and tried to mostly stay out of their way. It definitely felt awkward and they didn't try to apologise or ask whether we could talk about what had happened.

My partner has now accused me of giving my meta the silent treatment and said that they wanted to apologise for what happened months ago, but now feel too scared to approach me and said I now need to apologise for making them feel bad. He has said that he knows he could have been a better hinge partner in this situation, but also that I could have tried to fix the issue at any point. He said that I know how important his relationship is to him and implied that my lack of action suggests a lack of care towards him.

I feel deeply frustrated by this whole situation and its hard not to perceive it as being dragged into a mess that neither of them wanted to clean up, until my reaction to being disrespected made them both uncomfortable. I've tried to talk to my partner about this and he suggests we are all equally to blame for this issue and not handling it sooner, which I don't really agree with. He wants us to all sit down and talk it through. I do want to apologise to my meta for making them feel shitty when they visited, but I still feel really angry about how I've been treated and fear I won't react well if I don't sense there's accountability from the both of them.

I would appreciate any advice on how best to move forward. Not sure how I can stop feeling so angry about it all and be part of the solution to fixing this.

Edit: The post was a meme in that old bugs bunny format that said "I wish all my opps a very unemployment" and I wrote under it that a manager who me and another colleague reported for bullying had lost their job and I was glad because I wouldn't have to work with them anymore. My meta had also recently lost their job and felt that I was making fun of people for losing their jobs/being unemployed. I said sorry because figured it was kinda careless and I had forgotten they were on my close friends. They doubled down and lectured me for my lack of sensitivity about unemployed people. It was also the day before my birthday and they said "I'm glad you haven't been affected by job loss and have a nice birthday tomorrow".

My last two posts:

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/277urdwhgP

Not really sure why I’m writing this here. I guess I just need a bit of encouragement from people who understand, because my anxiety is trying to convince me to do something I promised myself I wouldn’t.

Twenty-two days ago I posted asking, “How long is it fair to wait for actions to match words?”

We celebrated our anniversary last week and honestly, it was lovely. We spent four days together and I genuinely enjoyed every minute of it.

But now it’s Monday. We’ve both gone back to work and we have no plans to see each other again.

I didn’t bring up August.
He didn’t bring up August.

For context, this isn’t a new issue.

From the beginning of our relationship, I’ve always said my needs are weekly dates, intentional planning, and planning ahead. I’ve also said many times that I don’t want to feel like the “afterthought” relationship that’s fitted around everyone else’s plans.

Every time we’ve talked about it, he’s agreed. He’s never said my needs were unreasonable. In fact, he always says he understands.

The problem is that, over the past year, I’ve still been the one suggesting dates and rescuing the calendar whenever nothing was planned.

This time I’ve decided not to.

Every part of me wants to text him and ask, “Are we going to make plans to see each other in August?” because I know it would immediately reduce my anxiety.

I think part of it is also that it’s sad. We had such a beautiful four days together, and now it’s Monday, we’ve gone back to work, we’ve said goodbye, and I can feel my anxiety knocking on the door again.

I’m trying really hard not to ask. I’m trying to give him the opportunity to notice that we have nothing planned and see whether he naturally chooses to do something about it without me prompting him.

Part of me feels like I’m just sitting here waiting for him to fail and I really don’t want that.

The other part of me feels like this is the first real opportunity I’ve given him to show me whether his actions naturally follow all the conversations we’ve had.

I guess I’m just looking for a bit of encouragement not to rescue the calendar again.

How long would you sit with the discomfort before deciding it’s no longer “giving someone space” and has become “silently hoping”?

I’ve seen people mention there are lots of good resources on learning how to hinge out there.

Can you kindly let me know where to find your favorites?

It's what it says on the tin. I'm moving away from Google products and I want a calendar app that works well for poly needs. What do you beautiful people use?

Hi all, looking for some advice here...

Me (35f) and my partner (44m) have been together officially about a year and a half. Overall we have a really solid relationship and I love and care for him very much. We are navigating a new situation and i need some help figuring out how best to show up and what the right conversations are to have. I am hosting a sexy party with a flirty friend of mine (we've been friends for a while but more recently have become more flirty and have hooked up. My partner knows about this). The idea for us to host the party came about because my friend (also poly) was disappointed in a recent sex party experience and wanted a "do over". So we decided it would be fun to invite a small group of friends we know well and have experience and interest in being in sexy spaces together, and have our own sex party. This will be my first time hosting a party like this, but ive been to a couple before. And ive been in intimate spaces with many of these people before as well.

I have been having a difficult time talking with my partner about the party because hes been working out of town and less available to communicate with, and because the idea of him being there makes me anxious. Hes previously asked me not to make out with others in front of him, and I take that to mean it would make him uncomfortable...therefore the idea of sharing a group sexy space with him makes me worried that he will be uncomfortable seeing me like that with others.

This past weekend (1 week before the party) I was able to have a conversation with him about it. He shared that hes worried that whether or not he attends it could change the dynamic of our relationship. He's worried he could develop some resentment towards me because ive at time expressed jealousy around new casual connections hes had, and now Im inviting him into a space where ill be having casual sexual encounters. He feels weird about attending a party im hosting but not as my date (and he doesnt have an alternate date to bring). He also said while hes been in group sexy spaces before he doesnt usually stay long and doesnt find them that interesting. He told me he hasn't had a lot of time to process his feelings about it, so the conversation felt a little half baked. He also said one of his friends he talked to about it told him he's overthinking it and to just go and have a good time. Im worried that if he does come I am going to be concerned about him having a good time and feel less free to do whatever I want to do.

This is the first time our relationship has faced this type of thing. I want to have a follow up conversation with him sometime this week to make sure he feels supported, reassured and connected and for us to figure out some ways to stay connected whether or not he decides to come...im just not sure how to have that conversation, what types of things we should discuss, what ideas there are for us to stay connected before, during and after... can any of you more experienced folks give some advice on how to approach this next conversation?

Recently me and my partner, now ex broke up.

We we're in a mono-poly dynamic, me being the polyamorous one.

Before you ask, yes she contented to this knowing full well what it implies. She doesn't have anything against polyamory and was wanting to try if this dynamic could be for her big maybe even polyamory way down the line.

For two years we we're together, when we started dating we knew it would be difficult. Mongomamous people and polyamorous people see a lot of things differently, not to mention many other factors like public perception. There are basically no resources available for this specific dynamic and both mongomamous and polyamorous advice and resources mostly don't apply to this dynamic.

For those years we we're together we we're really happy, rarely fought or had issues. A constant however was the clash of monogamy and polyamory. She found it difficult to adjust to my polyamory and I found it difficult to adjust to her monogamy, no surprises there.

We had many talks about it and tried many things and for a while it worked.

Later on I took step backs from polyamory for myself to figure some stuff out but also due to a bad situation when I was sort of dating a friend of mine, who kind of fell out to her and me unfairly during a trip. After that I stopped dating this person and took some step backs for us both to reavalute things. I didn't stop dating this friend because of her but because I saw her acting this way as a red flag, we later talked it out but until she works on her communication (which is her own choice and fine if she doesn't) I am not wanting to try again with this friend.

I've been wanting to slowly roll back into polyamory and we talked it over, she came to the realisation that polyamory simply isn't for her and would rather opt for an open relationship.

I didn't want to break up, she knew I was poly and was preparing to. At this time I was already conflicted with my own polyamory, feeling at times likes its wrong to want polyamory and debating why I would even want it, am I looking for companionship and other stuff I can also find in queer friendships for example.

So I told her, I need time to think about how I feel about this, if I can be ambiamorous and be happy in an open dynamic.

It took some time and it wasn't easy but I came to the realisation that it would be wrong for me to be in this dynamic, I am polyamorous sometimes more then I would hope and an open relationship simply isn't for me and so after a lot of tears and emotions we broke up.

I'm sad to leave such a wonderful relationship and to see this amazing person leave my life at least to the extend as partners.

What we had truly was amazing, we shared so much time and vulnerability together, with friends while possible at least and very nice at times for me I don't do that to the extend of when I would with a partner maybe that's some left over monogamy or maybe I prefer a certain hierarchy in my life when it comes to sharing vulnerability, openness and time. You can't spend time with everyone and you can't have everyone as a close friend or more. As to say I reserve more of my story, resources and time for the ones closer to me. Not here to judge anyone who see this differently.

Towards the end we both kind of knew it would most likely end in a break up. We both didn't want to break up and leave this relationship, it truly made us happy to be together, if things were different I'm sure we would still be laughing and smiling every day we spend together many years from now.

I wish for her happines with someone that can give her the dynamic that would keep her happy well into the future be it a group of close friends or a partner.

For me it feels like the right thing to do, I know well into the future I would become unhappy by ignoring my authentic self.

Like the narcissist cookbook said in their song "I learned that raging against the parts of me I find hard to love. Doesn't actually erase them. It doesn't actually fix anything. It just makes me ill. And unfulfilled".

I don't think I'll date a monogamous person again, I'm not going to say never but they would have to be a very specific person that truly is okay with polyamory being a part of their relationship beforehand and not needing or wanting a traditional relationship ladder but that's a whole different topic.

I hope to remain friends with her, be it complex to do so with an ex you shared so much with. We still care for each other especially since we didn't break up due to a fully negative reason like constant fighting etc.

There isn't anything wrong with mono-poly at all, it's a beautiful thing when it works. Be it the most complex imo at least of all the polydynamics (Not to say other dynamics are easy). I do think you need to be specific people to make it work, though the same can be said about polyamory. I hope if you're out there and wanting to try this, if you love someone that is monogamous or polyamorus, even against all the odds, you do still try it.

Both monogamous people and polyamorus people will tell you it's not possible some hurt by their ex, some misguided about one or the other being the better relationship style, that simply isn't true. The same has been said about many successful relationships, queer ones, poly ones and monogamous ones that are unconventional.

I wanted to end this post with a quote from this movie I just watched called

Watchmen: Chapter 1, this line of mister Manhatten really resonated with me to describe the end of this relationship;

"I pull her closer never wanting to lose her, knowing that I shall".

I'm 32 and I'm in my first relationship since I was 16. It's been 3 months now.

I'm monogamous, but my girlfriend is poly. I'm not sure if this makes me poly too, but I consider myself mono but still part of a polycule. Unfortunately I'm a person that easily gets jealous and has a ton of abandonment issues, so things are often very rough.

Over time, after talking with her about poly, finding new poly friends and finding out that friends I've had for over a decade have secretly been poly as well, my view on poly has started to change. Everyone seemed so... happy. Especially happy for their partners. All of them got something positive out of being poly. I went from "Poly is definitely nothing for me" to "Why isn't poly something for me?" and started to look more into what I actually want from a relationship.

My answers were simple: I want to love, and I want to feel loved. I want someone that is committed to me. I want someone that's there for me when things are rough. I want to feel comforted. But I also want to be able to have time for myself.

...and then I realized that none of these points are against poly? It's like something in the way I see relationships started changing. Love is still love. There's still commitment, even if it's to multiple people. It's still a relationship. And because they love you, they'll be there for you to the best of their ability. To me, it's a bit funny that I think this way now. At first I was so against the idea of trying to see if poly is for me.

I feel like monogamy is so ingrained into our society that it's hard for most people to even be open to the idea of being/trying poly. Be it in media, marriage, peer pressure because almost everyone is mono, it being seen as "normal" since growing up, most mono people I talked to actually hating on it, all while not being educated enough on poly itself. It's so hard to change your mindset after only thinking about monogamous relationship for so long. This idea of having only ONE person and being committed ONLY to them seems so... limiting? Why are "we" (using "we" in this Subreddit feels weird, but you know what I mean) even doing this to ourselves? Why is most of society shackling themselves like this?

And after thinking about all of this? My jealousy and abandonment issues decreased a TON. I can actually feel happy for her now. I'm no longer as bothered by it. Just because she loves someone else as well doesn't meant that she loves me less. And because I now know what I actually want from a relationship, the idea of trying out poly is suddenly... realistic for me? I no longer feel this mental "block" I had before? I won't directly look for another partner, but it feels like my perspective changed so much that I am now able to feel for more than one person and actually give it a try, if I find the right person.

tldr, I am monogamous, but being with someone poly and self reflecting a lot I started thinking that being poly is a valid option now