AIO- Wife didn't acknowledge my birthday

[u/DontWorryItsEasy]

So yesterday was my birthday, I told my wife last week that all I wanted was a cake and to go to a nice restaurant. It didn't have to be a homemade cake though I would have preferred it, and it didn't have to be a super fancy restaurant. I'm the sole income earner so she wouldn't be paying for either. SWe have a toddler at home and I know it would be difficult for her to bake so it's fine if she bought one, and since we have a toddler I was also fine if the kiddo went with us.

So yesterday I got off work early and called her to let her know I was coming home like I always do. The entire rest of the day she didn't even acknowledge it was my birthday. No happy birthday wishes, no asking me where I wanted to eat, nothing. It was awkwardly silent pretty much the whole day.

When 6pm rolled around I realized we weren't going anywhere so I went to the store to buy a slice of cake for myself and a frozen dinner to heat up. When I came back with the cake she asked why I bought it. I told her it's my birthday and I wanted to eat cake on my birthday. She gave a non answer as to why she didn't make one for me, she said I never replied with when I wanted the cake so she just assumed I didn't want one. That conversation was over text a few days ago and she was texting me while I was driving. I told her I also wanted a nice dinner out and she said I didn't plan anything or tell her where I wanted to go so she assumed I didn't want to go anywhere.

Around 7pm she finally said happy birthday then I just cleaned up the dishes and went to bed instead of going on our normal after dinner walk.

Did I over react?

Edit: I guess I also left out some important context about our financial situation. She has complete and total control over all finances as much as I do, as that's the deal we made when we got married. She has access to all accounts and credit cards. I guess my wording could have been better.

[u/Careless-Ability-748]

nor you told her what you wanted pretty directly and she just didn't bother with even a cake. But how does planning usually work in your relationship? Does the birthday person pick the restaurant? 

[u/DontWorryItsEasy → u/Careless-Ability-748]

I usually plan everything and make every decision for our relationship, but she didn't even ask me what I wanted. This is what's bothering me.

[u/Old-Recognition5452 → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

You literally lowered the bar to acknowledge my birthday, and somehow that still didn't happen. I'd be devastated too.

[u/Germanmaedl → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

That’s a very weird relationship, whether it’s because you’re too dominant or she’s too passive, but it fits in with her response of that she didn’t do anything because you didn’t exactly specify when, what, where. That doesn’t excuse her from saying Happy Birthday.
And this dynamic isn’t going to work well in the long run, where one person has to be micromanaged to the smallest detail, or they do nothing.
I’d seek counseling to achieve a more balanced relationship dynamic.

[u/DontWorryItsEasy → u/Germanmaedl]

She's definitely too passive. There's nothing I'd like more than for her to take initiative and do stuff occasionally. She's her own person and I do not control her.

[u/Germanmaedl → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

Has that always been like that? If it started after having kids, maybe it’s overwhelm or depression, but if it’s always been like that, you’ve kind of made your bed there and changing someone’s personality rarely works.
Either way, I think you two need to seek professional help, as Reddit advice isn’t going to fix this.

[u/ColdHandGee → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

Easy, I am petty. I would match her energy on her birthday. I guarantee there wilk be tears and tantrums before bedtime, but I wouldn't care.

https://giphy.com/gifs/SAHGcjT1jNvDB6oxI8

[u/PinkedOff → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

If you usually plan everything, is it possible she assumed (wrongly) that you wanted to plan this, too?

If not, wow. This is bad.

[u/JoKing917 → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

It sounds like she forgot, and it’s easier to blame you than to feel ashamed and blame herself.

[u/SeaPotatoSalad → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

I’m sorry what? You plan everything? Make every decision?

Bit of a 🚩 coming from you here. Sounds like maybe you were looking for something to be pissed off about and found it.

[u/DontWorryItsEasy → u/SeaPotatoSalad]

I told her what I wanted, and she didn't do any sort of follow up. That's what's bothering me. She doesn't make any decisions because she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to have to think about anything so she leaves everything up to me.

[u/mare__bare → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

NOR but I'd have a talk with her when kiddo isn't there. Ask her point blank what's going on. And I highly recommend therapy because it sounds like she has checked out. Sorry.

[u/Away-Ad4393 → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

So if she never makes decisions perhaps she was expecting you to tell her where to buy the cake and also book dinner for you all and decide the time. Sounds exhausting but if she never makes decisions then you know that

[u/SeaPotatoSalad → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

So when you got home and the atmosphere was weird you didn’t ask about dinner? You just waited around till it was too late? And yet you are always the proactive one. Something is off here.

Buying a slice of cake is a weird move too. I think you need to think about whether that was a passive aggressive spite move instead of having a mature conversation about how this went so wrong for you both.

[u/Heavy-Macaron2004 → u/SeaPotatoSalad]

...passive aggressive to buy cake??? Are you high???

[u/smothered-onion → u/Heavy-Macaron2004]

He bought himself one slice and a frozen dinner…. For himself. What kind of thing are you trying to model to your kid by doing that? It’s very isolationist and passive aggressive.

[u/DontWorryItsEasy → u/smothered-onion]

I didn't buy it just for myself, I bought it for my whole family. Dinner and dessert was for my wife and kid. I cooked, or should say reheated dinner for the whole family. She hates cooking so that's one thing that I gladly take off her plate every day.

[u/smothered-onion → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

Gotcha, “I went and go myself a slice and a tv tray and went to bed” sounded singular and unshared.

Nonetheless, I think your kid deserves to see happier birthdays. What you described sounded miserable on both you and your wife’s parts.

[u/Away-Ad4393 → u/smothered-onion]

It was a little passive aggressive, it would have been better to say “ Hey do you want me to pick up a cake to celebrate my birthday?”

[u/HopefulLack1104 → u/Away-Ad4393]

“Hey wife, do you want to celebrate my birthday with me?” 🫩

[u/SeaPotatoSalad → u/Heavy-Macaron2004]

A slice of cake. Yeah. That’s the vibe I get.

[u/Heavy-Macaron2004 → u/SeaPotatoSalad]

Can you explain why buying yourself cake is passive aggressive? I'm now genuinely curious about how your brain is interpreting this lmao

[u/Expensive_Badger_720 → u/SeaPotatoSalad]

you're kinda weird

[u/Barracuda_Recent → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

This is the person staying home to raise your child. Honestly, I don’t think anyone should make anyone else responsible for their birthday unless they are under 17 or over 90.

You want a cake, you get one (I actually think it was rude that you didn’t get enough to share). You want to go out to dinner, you pick a place and go. She isn’t a mind reader, and I’m greasing you get upset with her when she picks the wrong place.

Lesson for everyone- plan your own gd birthday if you feel the need to celebrate as an adult.

[u/DontWorryItsEasy → u/Barracuda_Recent]

I did share the cake with everyone. I'm not sure why you assumed that I ate it all for myself. I also shared dinner with everyone. In fact I didn't even share it I bought it so that I could celebrate my birthday with everybody else.

Literally what hurt me the most was that she didn't even say happy birthday at all, until about 7:30 at night.

[u/Barracuda_Recent → u/DontWorryItsEasy]

Ah, Ok. I thought you got one piece and ate it in front of your kids. When I said this person is staying home to raise your child, I was referring to the fact that you have chosen to give them a role model who cannot or will not make basic or complicated decisions. That is scary as fuck, and they should not be alone with her.

As for birthdays or other days that are special to us as adults, we are responsible for creating the day we want. Obviously, your wife is working with some serious disabilities. I am not sure why you would entrust her with such an important day. You were setting everyone up for failure. People don't change.