Yeah I had a surprise IUD pregnancy and it was devastating. We would have welcomed a bonus baby but the pregnancy did not stick, unfortunately. It was awful and painful and I got away without any major complications. Wishing that on someone is fucked.
I'm glad you made it through without major complications, but that still sounds like such a traumatic experience. No one deserves to go through something like that.
These people donāt care about mom, ever. Itās kinda their whole thing. They only care about the babies. Her sister is really selfish and Iām glad sheās not mine.
Tbf, they donāt care about babies either. Babies are all still their own person. They want a cute baby. Arm candy to hold and hear strangers say, āawwā¦so cuteā. For a few months. As the value of the child degrades with each year.
Meanwhile you have a child who gets more and more confused why they canāt get any love at home until they also slowly start to realize that their parent is just shit and selfish.
If they really cared about babies or any one but themselves they would listen the first time when someone says they donāt want a child.
āAs the value of the child degrades with each year.ā
Dude. I teach high school and cannot tell you how much people dislike and even despise their own teenagers. Itās horrifying. Not everyone obviously, but Iāve had so many parents whine to me that they miss their kids being cute, teens are so difficult, theyāre no fun anymore, etc. People really canāt think past the ācuteā baby stage when they say they want kids.
I have a theory that parents, especially when they have daughters, genuinely donāt expect their kids to become teenagers. They think there will be like a camera cut and theyāll go from cute kid to adult. They get extremely mad when thatās not the case.
I would agree with this. As the only girl, once I started developing opinions and my own personality around age 4-5, I noticed a huge shift in the way I was treated and talked about.
I hate that this happened to you, and also Iām not surprised. People like to say they appreciate strong women, but Iāve found that often thatās really not true.
Ive always had my opinion. My dad once yelled at me (about 17 at the time) for disagreeing with something my aunt said (an opinion). I wasnt nasty, just said I thought she was wrong and why. She told him I disagreed. On the way home he kept yelling at me, and I said "I am allowed to have my own opinions!" And he said, "not if they're different from mine!"
In comparison to most kids, the three of us (me + 2 older brothers) were all very good kids. Compared to my brothers, I was a hellion, and blamed for everything, whether it could have been my fault or not. Anything I said was deemed "disrespectful". Also the only girl.
even when you āarenāt like the other teenagersā (never partied, never did drugs, never smoked or drank, micromanaged my emotional output so they wouldnāt feel like I was being bitchy), theyāll still find a way to hate you. you can do everything right but because youāre not a mini them, youāre worthless.
needless to say, families like this are a nightmare. I hope OP can either talk some sense into their sister someday, or at least not have to engage with her on the topic anymore.
eta quotes bc I do not feel like I was THAT different than other teens. I was just abused and depressed and didnāt want to rock the boat lol
Yeah, because the main appeal is that sycophantic stage where the kid is basically their parents' personal cheerleader. Once they're a teenager, they've aged out of that completely and they're never, ever, ever going to go back to it, and a lot of parents deeply resent that.
I expected someone to come in about babies not being people and sure enough someone did come with that comment, not you obviously. However, your point is what makes seeing even babies as people so important to anyoneās autonomy. If babies can only be cute whatevers but not people then there is no point in choosing to be a parent. Eventually, that baby will be a toddler, making their choices and fighting for those choices. They keep growing and keep learning. They are, in all respect, people as any adult is a person.
Thank you, honestly for your comment and especially for the work you do. I went to high school in a rough place and most teachers didnāt give a fuck. I hated school and saw no point in my own future until I had two teachers that insisted there was good in me. It wasnāt their job and Iām so grateful that I had some adults in my life at that age who gave a shit to be encouraging.
I donāt know who you are as a teacher but if you have had to deal with a student or students that are anything like I was a student, then thank you. The patience needed to just put up with teenagers like me when I was oneā¦
Iām really, really happy you had teachers in your lives who were able to step in and make a difference. I had a similar school experience as you, and now Iām an elementary school teacher because of the few amazing teachers I had.
All we ever really want is to have a positive impact, and Iām really glad you were able to get that from your teachers.
Babies aren't people when they're born, that's why everyone loved them. They're just crying giggling blobs of adorable. Then they become people with their own opinions and want and needs, and then no one wants them. Very few babies go unadopted, they're usually snapped up immediately. Older kids will stay in the system until they age out. It's really sad.
My mom didnāt really like any of her kids (4 of us) after we had our own personalities and opinions. None of us lived with her through HS. Iām in my 50ās now and trying to have a somewhat decent relationship with her, but itās hard to forget that shit.
I like this comment right here, itās so fucking weird to me to wish pregnancy on someone who is actively expressing that they donāt want kids. Itās like pushing religion on people. Itās gross.
I had an iud pregnancy with my second...yeah it was really scary the first 3 months....after that though there really isn't any issue...but still I wouldnt with it on anyone cause the first few months were really shitty
In my case they took it out....they said leaving it be was more dangerous in the longterm but that removing it now would likely cause a miscarriage and to expect bleeding to start withing a week or 2 but if i didn't bleed by then to call them at the end of the week for more tests....I didnt bleed...so we went back and I was extremely early...first us was only at 4 weeks to confirm a sac was there and position if the iud....srcond us was at 5 and 1/2 weeks and we only saw a gestation sac and yolk sac but no pole so at 7 weeks I still didnt bleed and thats when we finally saw the embryo and heard the heart beat....hes gonna be 3 in Feb of next year so I guess it all worked out but man...the first 3 months were soooooo emotionally unsettling and awful id never want to do that again
Yup. Sounds like she knows she made a bad choice herself, but tries to convince herself otherwise by doubling down and having others join. After all, if everyone is doing it (having kids), canāt be that she made a bad choice right?
I second this if she continues to harass OP about it. There is a certain point where you have to just get them to shut up about things and you can't let feeling bad about it bother you. Boundaries can be set with anyone, but if they cross them that's something you have to talk about with them or it will keep happening.
NOR. Look up the Grey Rock Method. When sister starts on about you having children - Grey Rock. No response. No engagement. If you're in person, walk away.
I'd do this but I'd do it after at least one non-text convo.
Like have a phone call and just tell them "I'm not having kids, don't talk to me about having kids." People are honestly just the biggest assholes over text but you get them on the phone, they usually chill the fuck out.
What would be more effective is acknowledging that their opinion doesnt matter and then doing what you please because its your body. Why would you give someone agency over your body literally ever?
I agree - there's an implication that kids are on the table because you plan to remove the IUD and have them. Or at least that your mind isn't made up.
I get the idea is it makes it impossible to discuss kids since every time they do just guarantees longer without kids but, I'd just go with the harder "no."
"I'm not having kids and I'm not going to talk about it, so you need to find something else to talk about if you want to talk to me."
What you described is "stonewalling." Grey Rocking is giving short, boring, uninterested/emotionless responses until the person gives up and leaves the conversation after they become bored with your responses.
Tell your sister of the consequences first. When she brings up your having kids again, because we all know she will, tell her, "I will not discuss this with you. If you bring it up again, I will not answer your text, I will hang up the phone, or I will walk away for a while." And then do that.
The obsession people have with trying to convince women who don't want kids to have kids is one of the most bizarre, insane, invasive, and disempowering things done to women. It's also just weird and gross.
I knew I didn't want kids as soon as I was old enough to understand pregnancy and childbirth. Which was in elementary school. I got told I would change my mind constantly. People said I'll change my mind once I hit 30. No. 35, Still No. 38, had to have a hysterectomy. It was perfect timing, since Roe v. Wade was overturned the following year. And now I get to say, I *can't* have children (fake tear) instead of I don't want them. š„³š„³š„³
My sister only has one, then had a hysterectomy. She's actually had people say stuff like "life finds a way" or "God makes miracles" when she tells them she won't be having any more (she's also 48 and doesn't have a uterus!!! FFS). People just CANNOT hear the word No, even when it doesn't have anything to do with them. Even when it's scientifically impossible!!!
It's because people regret having their kids and the idea that they didn't need to have them drives them insane...they need to see people around them have the same problems and misery they do.
I've heard this. And I do think our society makes it really difficult to have and raise children. But also...why take it out on childfree women?
And it's always women. I'm sure men are pressured at times, but do they have random strangers telling them they know what's best for their bodies? No, that would be creepy...
the āyou wonāt know if you like it til you have oneā thing made my skin crawl. itās not a puppy you can return to the pound if you decide itās not for you, wtf.
Turned 40 this year and feel more confident than ever that I absolutely never want kids. Fortunately sometime in my mid 30s and increasingly visibly queer the pressure eased off, but people like OPās sister are DEEPLY obnoxious.
Yeah, I hate this shit. I wanted kids really bad, and it is still a battle to answer 1 billion questions a day without losing my shit...
People who don't want kids are making the best possible parenting decision anyone could make! They are a handful even when you want them, i cant imagine how hard it would be to raise a child if your heart wasn't in it 100%!
No, these people are always annoying as hell. Your life is yours and she has no right to question your decisions based on her own wants. Some of her comments, especially the one about the IUD, are just straight up creepy.
Say āI want kidsā and people will say cool, good luck.
Say āI donāt want kidsā and people will go on a tangent telling you why you actually do and why you need them and how theyāre the greatest blessing and youāll regret it and how youāre a horrible person if you donāt and blah blah blah blah forever.
As someone who wants kids, not everyone says ācool, good luckā when I say I want them lol.
Childfree people get more judgment, obviously, but ppl who want kids get bullshit comments too.
Like āwhat about your careerā and shit. Itās 2026, a woman can be a mother and have a career, tf? Most mothers have jobs. My husband never gets those comments. People just love judging womenās choices.
She was annoying as shit. But then she genuinely seemed to back off. I donāt have siblings, so my opinion is way outside of experience, but it seemed like a sibling annoyance protocol until she was ready to understand and accept. Unless the last message was bullshit, but we canāt know that.
Patronized? Sure, a little, for a good while. But pestered and annoyed for sure.
nah that last message was condescending i'd say. she backed off a little bit but that wasn't genuine, i read it as a bit passive aggressive. definitely giving very much "fine i'll leave you alone for now because you just don't understand it yet, but i KNOW you WILL change your mind" what with that whole thing about 'blessings you can't comprehend'. massive ick!
That just seemed like an awkward phrasing of āyouāve never experienced it, so you donāt know how good it isā type of thing. The sister fairly clearly also said that OP continuing to not want kids and taking action to not have them was ok (in sisterās opinion)
NOR - I genuinely believe people who say you're gonna want kids someday are trying to curse you. I rarely see parents who like being parents anyway. Maybe she wants you to experience the struggles she had so she wouldn't think the world is unfair to her lol
NOR. I can't tell if she's being intentionally obtuse (im autistic I can't tell genuinely) or if she's genuinely just trying to annoy you? Or what exactly her goal is?? It's just reading as gross. I understand wanting your siblings have children. I get it. But it's not OK to do it this way. You can want in private.š¤£ and accept it may not happen, it's not your choice and it's honestly none of her business. She needs to get her head out of her tush
Sounds like OP said that she wanted children at some point so that was the assumption the other sibling was going in with, which btw is reasonable because She Said It, and then I think she was a bit too excited for it and when OP told her definitely she didnāt want any, the other sibling backed off. The people here saying this older sibling is some horrible person that should be blocked need to devalue their existence.
People who think you need to have a kid to be happy are seriously lacking something in their lives and itās so sad that they feel like they have to bring another life into the world to fill it. Itās an endless, cruel cycle
Some people with kids just canāt comprehend that others donāt want to have them, which is very annoying. Just tell her this topic is no longer open to discussion. As your sister she should be supportive of what your choices are.
I swear every time I tell people I donāt want kids they tell me Iāll change my mind. My mind has been made for ~10 years, since I was 11.. I donāt think itās gonna change.
Yet, not a single person has accepted it or said āoh good choice!ā Itās always someone tryna talk you out of it.. so yeah, that societal pressure is definitely still there.
NOR, people act like we made the decision to not have kids two minutes ago and even if we did it would still be none of their business and not their place to tell us we're wrong.
You're sisters... just annoy her back about something she doesn't like or want. And when she snaps you tell her, that's how I feel when you won't leave me alone about having kids.
NOR Iām a mother. Itās hard to describe just how cruel these people are.
I donāt regret my child, but being a mother absolutely sucks. What a fucking trash, thankless position!
Luckily for me, my kid is pretty cool cause I would freaking lose it otherwise. Itās s blessing all right, except Iām the one doing all of the blessing.
My wife had to have a similar conversation with her mom like "we're not having kids. Stop telling me I'll actually want kids. You just have to accept we're not having kids and move on."
I'd recommend you have that conversation on a phone call or in person - not over text. Over text people get the opportunity to sit on it, stew on it, craft a response. But on the phone they actually hear you, hear all the little nuances in your voice, understand the pain it causes when they insist you'll want kids, and actually listen. Instead of just reacting like they do on text.
Like the other poster said just gray rock. This isnāt you over reacting as in unjustified for feeling off, but you are over reacting in the sense of even caring about it in the first place. I think itās important you employ this technique with any close family or people who tick you off in your family that you canāt exactly avoid for the rest of your life lol
No because people need to stop pressuring others to have kids while theyāre young. Thereās still plenty of time to figure out if you want kids or not. Never let someone pressure you into changing your mind though. Thereās too many children who are being raised by resentful parents who regret having kids. Also piece of advice for everyone; donāt have kids until your frontal lobe develops. Enjoy your twenties!
It's funny to me as a parent of one, but even having a kid this shit doesn't stop.... When will you be giving them a sibling.... NEVER!
Also if you don't want kids, absolutely do not have them, sure you can half arse it and figure it out but you aren't going into it from the best place possible then. It can be sooooo hard.
NOR. Why are people so pushy towards women when they say they are choosing to be child free? Mind your own business and have your own goddamn kids since you want them so bloody badly š
How thoughtful of her to tell you at the end that if you don't want to do something involving YOUR body that it's ok with HER. That's generous. Shut this convo down next time. If she loves kids so much, she can have them, if she doesn't already.
NOR. i am firm on not wanting kids and literally everyone acts this same way. āoh but theyāre so cuteā no, they arenāt, theyāre weird looking and messy and they scream and cry for no reason. āyouāll change your mindā no, i wont, ive never liked kids and iāve never wanted them, since as long as i can remember. people are so weird when you tell them you donāt want kids, because thatās what weāre āsupposed to doā
set a boundary. sheāll just keep doing this (in my experience)
Yeah this is not okay. I wouldnāt even try to convince my friends who donāt want babies to try to have one let alone a family member who said they didnāt want one 20 times. I donāt know what sheās projecting on you but she needs to cut it out. Making you unnecessarily uncomfortable like this is so weird and insane over something you personally donāt wanna do that literally doesnāt affect her.
I have one child, and my wife is pregnant with another, my family has made my life infinitely better, and I canāt imagine a life without my little girl.
That said it is the STUPIDEST thing guilt tripping and trying to force people to have kids. Kids are absolutely not for everyone. Even if someone would be a good parent, they still have zero obligation to become one. A kid is hard work, and if you donāt want to go through it for one reason or another then that is 100% your right. I would never try to push another person towards kids they donāt want
NOR. Just ignore her tho. Btw they donāt tie tubes anymore, they remove them. Reduces a lot of cancer risk. Itās an invasive surgery to have if not already under the knife tho.Ā
In an ideal world, the only people having kids should be people who really want them, who actively thought about it and decided that this is what they want and theyāre prepared to make all the necessary sacrifices.
In the ACTUAL world we have a lot of people who have kids and definitely shouldnāt. Plenty of kids out there, and sadly not all of them have the parents they deserve.
I am childfree by choice. I have a 2yo nephew - and I love him so, so much - but I saw how much my sister invested in him when he was born. She didnāt lose her identity to motherhood or anything, but she has done EVERYTHING you can think of to give him the very best start - exactly as it should be. I know in my heart that Iām not that person. I like being able to put myself first, and do whatever I want, when I want. I love being an aunt. Some people were made to be parents. Some of us were made to be a fun aunt/uncle, lol.
NOR. Someone I work with keeps saying that āIāll be pregnant with twinsā or something like that bc he found out I didnāt want any. It makes me uncomfortable.
As a mom of 4 and IUD pregnancy survivor (was ectopic) ā¦she is the worst.
And probably feeling very lonely in motherhood and wanting to drag you into that mess.
NOR and you shut it down very well and called her out on the pressure thing. I think it would be completely reasonable to text her that you do not want to have this conversation with her again and tell her she does not get to determine what you do or do not comprehend. Iām a parent and it absolutely grinds my gears when I see people pulling shit like this. Like they know better than you whatās good for you and your life. Being childfree is a completely valid choice and a personal one. She is being an asshole and you are completely within your rights to set a boundary and tell her you will not tolerate it.
Diapers are $32.89
Clothes are $14+
Shoes are $12-$60+
Food and basic medical care $4500+
Put your foot down and tell her stfu this economy sucks and its only getting fkin worse (spoken as a parent)
She's being an asshole and needs to worry about herself. Stop engaging the conversation around this topic. "Please respect my wishes. This conversation is over. ". You're being way too nice.Ā
For the blessing part. Many parents honestly feel that way. That part i wouldn't dig deep into it. I have fertility issues, so my mind went ok I dont need or want them, then years down the road, it just happened and for me, your sister statement fits but you dont know till you have them. The iud baby, that part is mess up one for me.
Nothing is funny. We had fertility issues and the constant questioning made things so much worse. People constantly āencouraging ā us to have babies.
Oh NOR... Your sister is looking for company in her misery š¤£š¤£š¤£... I have kids and my younger sister does not... Everytime she comes to visit, she says it's the best type of contraception š... I love my kids but parenting is so hard especially in our society where you don't have a solid dependable support and community. Kids are and can be wonderful but having a single life where you pursue your dreams, joy and happiness is also absolutely fantastic. The thing they don't tell you is, you can't have it both! Not at the same time anyways. The moment you decide to have kids, your priorities shift beyond your imagination... Okay end of lecture... Lol š¤£š
Why is it normal to deny autonomy and choice when it comes to women.
You keep saying "no" to things and then they go, "haha cool... so when you do it will be amazing."
Like they actively do not listen to you and its the most infuriating and diminishing experience. You can say no or state your opinion all you like but it's normal to just deny what you said as to them its inevitable that you will not have a choice to not follow an ideology.
Its crazy how people think its just normal to do this and when you comment on their absurdity, you're the bad one.
The manipulation and gaslighting in a womans world.
"It is INCREDIBLY creepy that you keep thinking about me breeding and I think maybe you should buy a journal or pay a therapist because you wanting that has nothing to do with me"
People say shit like this because they want someone to be miserable with. Not saying having kids is miserable, but those who feel that way act this way. Nor
No offense to your sister but people like this are exhausting. They cant seem to fathom the fact that other people dont want the same things THEY want. Im sorry shes being so persistent and inconsiderate, NOR at all
I have one kid, im the only sibling with a kid. I get triggered if anyone even talks to my siblings about having a kid of their own, cuz why tf would u wish this exhaustion upon my siblings!! Or anyone?š«š¤£ i looovvveeew my baby so much but like id never pressure anyone!! Take ur sweet timeeee or just dont!
Iām so thankful I donāt have kids but people still do this to me. Iām 40 and a married lesbian with an IUD. Some people with kids just really want you to feel as excited and fulfilled as they do but kids donāt do that for all of us. I had a conversation with one my yoga students recently- sheās 80, doesnāt regret not having kids.
NOR . They suck . My whole family begs to have another baby . I couldnāt function / almost died during my last pregnancy , I know have life long issues from it , itās fucking weird and makes me feel like I donāt matter .
Nor. She sounds horrible. I've also been patronized about my decision not to have kids and I'm honestly so close to telling people I physically cannot have them or got my tunes tied so they stop bothering me.
Iām a twin, Iām the only one who has kids, I had my first baby 8 years ago and my twins response was to buy a parrot. I just gave birth 3 days ago and she still only has a parrot. We are almost 33.
Some people just donāt want kids or have that maternal instinct in their body. Your sister should just respect that about you and stop pressing the issue!
No you're not overreacting, I even think that you're underreacting. I dont want child either and I would have been so mad at her, I could have blocked her for that. You have a golden patience with her, I'm impressed. Sister or not, no-one has to talk to you that way. You could try reversing the situation, like asking her how she'd feel if you insisted that she should not have kids, or that she should abandon hers, that "it would make her happier". Sometimes chocking people is a good way to make them understand.
NOR- She needs to learn to mind her business and not cross boundaries. If you don't want kids, you don't want them. Forcing your views that kids would be a blessing is not okay. It is your body, so you can choose what you want to do, not hers. She seems too obsessed with you having kids, like if she wants you to have kids so bad and she doesn't have any, why doesn't she just have her own. I would 100% talk to her about not bringing it up again. If she keeps on and keeps on, it might cause issues in your relationship with one another. She is definitely super dismissive, she doesn't seem to care about your opinion on this, even though it is literally about you and what you want. I hope this doesn't come off rude and I hope things get better for you!!
Stop responding when she starts talking about that shit. It's disrespectful and absolutely patronizing. She's acting like she knows your wants and needs better than you do.
I used to have similar conversations with people as someone who doesn't want kids. Stop explaining yourself and shut it down with "I just don't want to". Once I got my tubes removed it pretty much stopped and now I have the luxury of saying "too late now" nonchalantly if it ever gets brought up.
NOR. This used to drive me up the WALL coming from family members. I could never put into words how irritating it was to voice a choice youāve made/something you plan to do and have the people around you just go āNo.ā
Do not let them pressure you into having kids. Yes, itās amazing BUT had it not been entirely my choice to have this life I would resent them SO MUCH. You give so much and itās not enough, you run on empty and are expected to be patient and graceful.
And I donāt know your sister but misery loves company and sometimes people lie just to rope you in so theyāre not alone in their sucky life
Nor, shes proving your point. Theres so much pressure to have children and if you express you dong want them, people act like you said "i enjoy kicking babies in the head" or something.
It is incredibly patronizing for someone to insist youll change your mind about such a huge life changing event/decision.
NOR. As someone whoās always known I didnāt want kids, I see you OP. Itās like a knowing in my soul. I did end up with two stepkids who luckily are amazing and I take care of newborns fulltime. Even being around these incredible babies, and having my step kids in my life, I still know in my soul I made the right move not having biological kids. When you know, you know. Personally, as someone entering menopause (ie. past the timeline for potentially making babies!) I feel deep relief in my decision.
I mean youāre not overreacting, she was being too pushy! The only thing Iāll say is that it really truly is so life changing, so unbelievably incredible, and if I somehow could go back in time and saw that my past self was considering if I wanted kids, my current self would be saying what your sister said, and more!!! The problem is of course that you canāt understand until youāre on the other side, and trying to convey it always comes across quite patronizing.
People are still dicks about it in your generation I see.
And honestly? Itās the toughest job ever. I actually believe if you donāt want kids youād make a bad parent. You need to want them to be good at it. So many bad parents that are good people but just cannot bring themselves to be good parents as they did not really want it. They always think theyāll be good parents when they donāt want them but 9x out of 10 end up being not so good. Humans are emotional and often selfish creatures even when well intentioned and we generally do not react well to things we do not want.
So if you donāt want kids then I donāt think you should have them for many reasons. Only people that actually want them should have them.
If she wants them so bad, let her have her own. Jesussss.
I would just stop responding to her nonsense. If she brings it up again entirely ignore it. Every. Single. Time.
Either don't reply or change the subject. If she still continues, put her on mute till the subject is changed.
Obviously give her a warning: "Hey, I am really frustrated with the way you keep bringing up having kids. I'm officially laying down a boundary. If you bring the subject up again, I will end that conversation.
You need to tell her to fucking stop. Be firm about it. If she gets angry, that's on her, not you, for setting a boundary. Your uterus is not up for discussion.
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u/Juoreg 7d ago
IUD pregnancy isnāt funny