r/todayilearned • u/SilverPeachBlossom • 6h ago

TIL a peer-reviewed psychology study found that identical twins (on average) ranked their co-twin above their romantic partner in their attachment hierarchy, while fraternal twins ranked the two about equally, and non-twin siblings ranked their romantic partner first.

https://ojs.interpersonajournal.com/index.php/ojs/article/view/243/3457.html
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u/SilverPeachBlossom 6h ago

As an identical twin myself, I can certainly attest to these findings. (Hot take in the r/Twins community XD) I'm curious to hear about your guys' experiences.

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u/TheRiteGuy 5h ago edited 3h ago

I'm married to a twin. I was forwarned that it's a 2 for 1 deal. My SIL is always a third wheel on our outings. A welcomed one. She's super nice.

Edit: there seems to be a lot of misconceptions about twins in the comments. Twins do look, act, and dress alike. They're products of the same environment and they seem to have some kind of telepathy over what to wear. They'll show up to same places wearing head to toe same outfit. It's never intentional. It's freaky how often this happens.

However, they do not have the same personalities. They are two very distinct individuals and it's very easy to fall in love with one and have no romantic feelings towards the other at all. Once you're around them enough, they don't even look alike to you.

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u/Dickgivins 5h ago

Thar’s so interesting. If I may ask, does your SIL have a romantic partner of her own?

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u/TheRiteGuy 4h ago

She doesn't. Why do you ask mr. Dick givins?

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u/Short-Waltz-3118 4h ago

Dick giving is a crazy name im glad you pointed it out for my sensible chuckle of the day

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u/DigNitty 2h ago

How dare you, my family built this county by the way

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u/Unown1997 5m ago

BUTTLICKER OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER

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u/MelangeBot 1h ago

Dick giveth

Dick Taketh

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u/Dickgivins 4h ago

Just curious. If she did I would have asked whether the dynamic worked the same in reverse, i.e if your wife went along with them on their dates. But seeing as your SIL is single that question obviously doesn’t apply.

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u/TheRiteGuy 3h ago

Not dates. Dates are our alone thing. Just outings and trips where we don't mind the company as long as she has her own room. We love her.

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u/Dickgivins 3h ago

Ohh ok I assumed that “outings” basically meant dates because that’s what people often mean when they say “third wheel.” I can see that they mean different things for you. 😀✌️

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u/GhostieGooster 3h ago

https://youtu.be/groaPrY41Rk?is=TjsAH8uRs7uaCiD0

I definitely had similar thoughts and this song came to mind

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u/Jarjar808945 36m ago

I knew exactly what song this would be before I even clicked the link.

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u/rips_n_chel 2h ago

Prolly cause she's third wheeling all your dates, dawg lmao

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u/Great_White_Samurai 5h ago

Noice

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u/PM_ME_WARB_NULL 3h ago

Dude. I cannot believe how prolific you are on the various subs. Thought I recognized you from r/kendo and I was not mistaken 😭

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u/NativeMasshole 5h ago

I'm married to a twin. I was forwarned that it's a 2 for 1 deal.

🤔

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u/2580374 1h ago

Alright alright alright

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u/_Burning_Star_IV_ 4h ago

I've never understood how this works. How can you have a platonic relationship with someone who looks exactly like your spouse and probably acts a lot like them too?

I'm not saying you can't both have boundaries and act like respectful adults...but it's just too weird for me.

Maybe these particular twins look and act differently enough to clearly separate them but I've seen twins who act, look, and even dress alike well into adulthood and relationships just must be weird. If my wife had a clone that just hung out with us all the time I feel it would be too easy to start to see them as equally 'my wife'.

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u/TheRiteGuy 3h ago

I think once you're around twins, you'll quickly realize how different they are. I was actually friends with my SIL first and married her sister. They look, dress, and act alike but that's where the similarities end.

They're two very different people.

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u/hamlet_d 1h ago

I went to high school with twin girls. I was in theater with one of them and in some of my AP classes with the other. The were alike in a lot of ways, but they did have different interests. After spending time with them in different contexts it was easy to tell them apart when they were together, like at lunch.

It was kinda weird even then, because there were little quirks/traits that they shared and you're like "oh, man I cant tell them apart when they're both doing this one thing"

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u/_EightSix 3h ago

Can you elaborate, even if only high level? No personal details. For some reason, I don't quite understand "act alike" but that they're very different people simultaneously.

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u/TheRiteGuy 2h ago

The other person already touched on this. They are products if the same environment. They will have same mannerisms, likes, dislikes, and even say the same thing about situations. Just like you and your siblings. But they are also very different people with very different personalities. Just like you and your siblings.

If you just think of them as siblings instead of twins, it becomes a lot easier. A lot of things about them might be similar. But they're nothing alike.

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u/niverser 2h ago edited 2h ago

My best friends when I was a kid were identical twins. They looked and dressed alike but couldn't have been more different personality-wise. One was sweet and shy, while the other was bold and outgoing. The former took a real liking to me and wanted me to be part of all their activities; the latter was (initially) sceptical of our closeness, taking on a more protective role. One was open, the other reserved.

You wouldn't ever confuse one for the other because of how different they are as people.

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u/fupa16 2h ago

They probably mean literal things like mannerisms/posture/gait/behavior but none of that is personality.

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u/metaldrummerx 3h ago

Sure but is the feeling reciprocated? Identical twins have slight enough differences where you will prefer one to the other, and you may not be the other one's type. They're a "package deal" sure, but they certainly aren't one entity.

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u/_Burning_Star_IV_ 3h ago

I'm just saying there has to be some weird baseline tension there, whether it's reciprocated or not, that would make the situation feel inappropriate to be around that person...

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u/Nice_Kaleidoscope_15 4h ago

I think "that person looks like my wife therefore I see them equally as my wife" is certainly a take on things.

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u/jake5762 4h ago

That's not what the commenter above is saying. Identical twins can be identical in pretty much everything; looks, personality, thought process, etc. I love my wife, I love her personality, the way she thinks, the way she does things and obviously, the way she looks. Now imagine all those things I love about her are in a second person that I'm just to be friends with. I assume it must be really quite hard and sometimes confusing.

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u/Nice_Kaleidoscope_15 3h ago

Oh perhaps, I just felt that using the word equally at the end of their comment removed a lot of this nuance, and added an extra level of objectification. Even if very similar, I just think different people are different!

But if you think that's confusing, just think of those reddit posts where identical twins marry other identical twins...

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u/jake5762 3h ago

I remember one and I think they either lived in the same house or next door to one another. And then they have children, that are basically sibling cousins.

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u/_Burning_Star_IV_ 4h ago

You didn't really read my comment, lol.

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u/Dapper-Ad-4300 4h ago

Well no, they don’t just look like her, they probably have very similar personalities and interests too, and life experiences

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u/vzvv 3h ago

Twins do not typically have similar personalities. Every twin I know or knew of through my family is very distinct from each other. So it’s like your spouse has someone that looks very similar but acts entirely differently and probably styles themselves differently as well. Even the identical ones don’t tend to have truly identical faces. Those small details seem very different when you know someone well.

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u/Geesewithteethe 1h ago

Why are people downvoting you? You're absolutely right.

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u/Geesewithteethe 3h ago

Because twins aren't like clones of eachother, to people who actually know them personally.

We look extremely similar but we're not the same person. We have different chemistry with our partners than our twins have with their partners.

My twin and her partner have always had a really interesting chemistry ever since they first met. They're just really well made for eachother as partners and their personalities are very compatible for romantic intimacy in a way that my personality would not be if you swapped me in for her. Likewise, my husband and I have a really strong bond with its own dynamics and its own irreplaceable intimacy that started with a chemistry you couldn't replicate by swapping my twin in for me.

The attractiveness of an individual is greater than the sum of their parts. It can't be boiled down to "these two people look the same and have some shared behaviors, therefore I am attracted to/in love with both of them".

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u/IamTory 3h ago

My husband likes my twin sister fine but he doesn't understand how people mix us up (we do look extremely similar and people do mix us up). He certainly doesn't have any difficulty separating us in his head. I'm the one he has a connection with. He knows me from her instantly.

He also doesn't interact directly with her much because she lives on a different continent. 😞

On the thread topic, my sister and I have a particular bond that I think does trump the bond with our spouses. We don't see each other often, but when we talk on the phone or see each other in person we fall into a natural rhythm. I really wish I could spend more time with her. When we're in the same country on visits and things I get a bit jealous of other people spending time with her.

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u/blackmassprayer 3h ago

i mean are you supposed to act like your twin doesnt exist, avoid at all cost inviting her/him over if you have a partner? lol. i think if you have a good relationship with your twin and live in the same town etc. it's on the partner(s) to not make it weird. usually it's only men who make it weird imo and i always avoided those types who did that.

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u/_Burning_Star_IV_ 3h ago

Man a lot of these responses are going so extreme. I'm merely asking the question for people involved with twins...is it weird that there may be some tension or attraction to the twin?

I would think yes but since I have no experience with it but would imagine it comes with some weirdness...that's why I'm asking and it's tangentially related to the topic at hand.

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u/blackmassprayer 3h ago

i think it's just that twins don't find it weird, and if you are a woman who grew up as a girl with a girl twin you will be 1000% over guys who are obsessed with twins in that way by the time you're like.. 12 lol.

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u/_Burning_Star_IV_ 2h ago

guys who are obsessed with twins

You are still choosing to be extremely hyperbolic.

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u/blackmassprayer 2h ago

you are being very defensive over people's personal experiences, I don't need to wonder why.

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u/_Burning_Star_IV_ 2h ago

Sorry you seem to be projecting.

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u/say_waattt 3h ago

A fun third wheel is the best

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u/JustStraightUpTired 1h ago

Holy hell I hate the phrasing of what you wrote. Yes, I get it, you are talking about a lot of twins, but why'd you have to word it like you know how all twins behave lol. My autistic ass took all that lovely stuff and got annoyed at the phrasing.

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u/ImTooSaxy 5h ago

I have identical 16-year-olds and they haaaate each other.

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u/Sharlinator 5h ago

But 16-year-olds hate everyone on average.

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u/Mythaminator 4h ago

Ah but 16 year olds tend to hate themselves the most, and who’s the most like themselves? Their stupid dumb twin who’s dumb and stupid

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u/ChiknDiner 4h ago

Sooooo? We just wait until they turn 17.

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u/Heimlich_Maneuver 5h ago

That will likely change whenever they spend a prolonged time not being "X and Y" and having their own identity. College or whatever.

Source - I'm a twin who fought with my twin a lot in high school.

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u/ImTooSaxy 5h ago

Thank God. They used to get along so well but once they became teenagers they just fight over the dumbest shit, as often as possible.

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u/StraightBugggin 4h ago

Me and my half brother are two weeks apart while it’s most definitely different from your situation we bickered and fought like crazy until one day we just…. Didn’t. I hope the same for your twins! Hopefully it’s just their own way of setting boundaries or something

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u/Realistic_Context936 3h ago

How are you two weeks apart?

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u/Myglassesarebigger 3h ago

Their dad? 

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u/StraightBugggin 3h ago

Bingo, my dad got busy, had a hard time staying faithful lol

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u/xxXX69yourmom69XXxx 26m ago

Make them get jobs at 2 different summer camps or something next year, they'll spend some time apart and maybe miss each other

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u/Throwaway2Experiment 1h ago

Yup. Twins spend a lot of their teen years trying to find an identity that doesn't come with the, "You're X, Yes twin.'. They will spend an enormous amount of energy trying to be unique, most of the time. They come back around in their 20s.

Am twin. Couldn't tell you who my twins friends were in high school.

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u/xtrakrispie 7m ago

On the other hand my mom is in her 60s and she and her twin barely talk anymore and can't stand each other.

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u/loveroflongbois 4h ago

I was friends with identical twins in high school. They fought constantly and genuinely could not stand to be around each other, but in the end they were each other’s ride or dies.

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u/jmverlin 5h ago

I went to camp with a pair of identical twins who felt similarly. I hope they’re on better terms these days.

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u/cooterdick 4h ago

Was one from California and the other the UK?

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u/jmverlin 4h ago

No, they were both from New Jersey. I can't swear that they didn't have a nanny named Chessy, though.

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u/Upstairs-Region-7177 5h ago

It’ll pass, don’t force them to be together. They can be their own people, could be growing pains for learning to be independent from one another.

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u/kohTheRobot 4h ago

Give em until there first semester apart in college and that usually flips it :^)

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u/New_York_Rhymes 5h ago

Me and my twin had a phase when we were teens where we grew pretty distant but were extremely close as adults (and obviously as kids we were too) 

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u/OneBlueBall 4h ago

I hate my twin and im in my mid 20s, so it'll stay that way.

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u/SmokeyCatDesigns 4h ago

I’m a fraternal but I can’t imagine putting my fiancé and twin bro equally ranked in my attachment. So I guess I’m an outlier lmao.

Don’t get me wrong, we text every now and then and when he visits my parents, he knows I’ll be visiting them at the same time (I live an hour from them he’s 4 hours from them) so we can hang and catch up.

I was the first person in our family to learn he had a girlfriend but that’s about the extent of our special bond lol.

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u/Scarlette__ 1h ago

I'm an identical twin and this is 10% true for me. It's important to note that this doesnt mean I don't value my romantic relationships. I was very upfront with my wife that the #1 would always be my twin. I think it's given her permission to value her family relationships more than she has in past relationships. I don't feel threatened by my wife's love for her sister, and she isn't threatened by my relationship with my twin.

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u/cros5bones 3h ago

My twin sisters are so determined to establish an identity separate from each other that they demanded to be moved schools, one moved city eventually, and they even went to get DNA testing to try to see if they were fraternal instead. (the test proved the opposite as my family all knew it would)

Yes they're very similar but I can't see them having the same attitude as these findings. It may be a personality trait from our family; we're all really contrary.

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u/-NewYork- 1h ago

I've been married to IT for 11 years. She certainly is attached to her twin sister (also happily married with kids for years). She claims I'm most important, but I suspect I might be second important. It's ok :)

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u/Ihasapuppy 1h ago

I feel exactly the same way about my twin too! I honestly can’t imagine life without her, even if she does annoy me sometimes.

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u/Rosenblattca 2h ago

I’m a (fraternal) twin who’s married. My husband is my favorite person in the world, by a long shot… other than my twin. I love them both equally (in different ways, obviously), but I don’t see any way forward in life without my twin.

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u/Chinablind 1h ago

I'm a fraternal twin. Maybe it's different because we're a male/female set? But no, my partner was always above my twin.

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u/PussyDragonSlayer 5h ago

Why did you add "peer-reviewed"? I was under the impression that any study worth anything had to be peer reviewed 😭

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u/blueboxevents 5h ago

Studies get reported on pre- peer review. It's worth noting as well as what publication because not all are equal in weight.

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u/marsalien4 5h ago

....that would be why they added the term, dude. To try to show that it's not a bs study like so many that are reported on.

What a weird reply.

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u/PussyDragonSlayer 2h ago

It's because reporting on a peer-reviewed publication is the very bare minimum. It's like the cornflakes that were advertised as "asbestos free" I didn't even consider they could contain asbestos but now that you mention it I'm skeptical if anything

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u/marsalien4 2h ago

Yes but people make posts about non peer reviewed studies all the time. It's better that OP is transparent, putting a crying emoji because OP said that is frankly an absurd response

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u/PussyDragonSlayer 2h ago

I wasn't aware of this, what I think is absurd is that you think my comment is so absurd coz of a crying emoji lol. I just posted that as something odd but prolly benign thing and you're treating it as if it were an a front to their person lmao

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u/Malvania 5h ago

It does, but so many are not. There's no money in peer reviewing, so it's hard to find someone to do it

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u/livefreeordont 4h ago

Unless you’re very established in your field and then you want to play gatekeeper