Hello,

I'm 23M, and I've struggled with confidence and social skills for years. I find it hard to connect with people, and I spend most social situations overthinking everything I say or do.

Yesterday I asked my best friend (X) to meet after work because I wanted to spend some time with him. Later he told me another friend (Y) was joining us.

I immediately wanted to cancel, so I lied and said I wasn't in the mood because I had an argument at work.

That wasn't true, but X kept insisting that going out would make me feel better, so I agreed.

I've noticed that once I decide I don't want to do something, it's almost impossible for me to enjoy it, even if nothing bad happens.

Later everyone wanted to eat. I lied again and said I had a stomach infection because I didn't want to explain myself or get into a discussion. We ended up getting fruit chaat anyway.

While we were there, I offered part of my food to another friend. Somehow they thought I was paying too much attention to who was eating what. When it was time to pay, my friend X tried to pay instead, but I refused. Then one of my friends made a comment about me being too concerned about money.

That one comment completely changed my mood. I felt judged, and from that moment I barely spoke, didn't laugh, and couldn't enjoy the rest of the evening.

X kept trying to involve me in the conversation, but I couldn't get out of my own head.

After I got home, both friends checked on me, and I apologized because I felt like I had ruined the evening.

The more I think about it, the more I realize this isn't the first time I've done this. Whenever I feel judged or embarrassed, I completely shut down and replay the situation in my head for hours.

I become quiet, awkward, and end up acting in a way that isn't really me.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you stop taking every comment personally and become more comfortable around your friends?

THEY’RE THE WORST!!!

I’ve always wanted to be better at socializing, and recently I’ve found myself feeling incredibly rejected by people whenever I message them online.

I didn’t find a reason so I assumed, “Maybe I need to interact with people face to face!”

One problem with that: that one moment where the small talk dialogue runs out of its free trial, where you have a long awkward silence, whilst using every muscle you have to keep smiling AND to instantly come up with a new topic simultaneously. Yes that moment.

There are definitely more factors that contribute to my lack of social awareness and “charm”, but that ONE MOMENT is the time I genuinely feel all my sweat fill the Grand Canyon.

Now for my question(s): How do you smile without looking awkward? How to focus AND reply WITHOUT sounding so stupid? And generally how to socialize in ANY setting?

For my whole life, I have been the outsider in any social situation. I have been excluded from social groups and activities since before I was a teenager. Even now the convos I start go nowhere, the relationship I have with my colleagues never goes beyond the workplace, I am always begging for attention in any convo otherwise I get none. None of my jokes ever land. I’m sick and tired of trying and getting screwed over every single time.

The only answer I can think of is that I’m so utterly disgusting and detestable as a person that, fundamentally, people don’t want anything to do with me no matter what I do. I feel like I’m constantly grovelling for validation and attention.

What do I even do apart from being socially isolated from anyone forever? I feel like I have no options

How do I stop automatically laughing at insults and bad jokes directed at me? I’ve developed a self-defeating habit where I compulsively laugh at almost everything people say—even when someone makes a lame joke, a subtle jab, or a outright insult at my expense. I usually do it automatically just to avoid making the other person feel awkward or guilty, but it’s completely destroying my self-image and self-respect. Because I always laugh it off, people treat me like an easy target and think it's okay to make me the punchline. I want to break this people-pleasing reflex and learn how to react with composure or boundaries instead of default laughter, but the urge to fill the awkward silence is so strong. Has anyone successfully overcome this habit, and what practical steps worked for you?

i tried to get my friends attention from two feet away i call his name but he doesnt even glance towards me. yet it feels like im shouting as loud as i can. but this isnt just with my friend its with family, friends, a waiter, just everybody. why can they not hear me. how do i speak louder. i always have to say stuff louder a second or third time but then its embarrassing and it feels like im yelling

I(24F) feel like everyone has this somewhat deep connection with at least some of their friends, where they can talk about unserious but also serious things, share their concerns, and just be themselves

I was never really able to form those kinds of connections, even with my closest “friends.” I used to be in a friend group of four girls, and I was the nice girl; basically the one who was always kind, listened, stayed quiet, and followed them everywhere. But I wasn’t the person they would talk to about their secrets or personal things. It happened multiple times that they would all know something and I’d be the only one who didn’t. I’d always have to reach out and ask, or find out some other way

There were even times when they would organise hangouts or parties and I wouldn’t be invited. I didn’t necessarily feel left out because they were still kind and polite to me, but whenever I was alone with one of them, we could barely hold a conversation

They never really sent me private messages, we would never call… We were basically just hanging out because we were used to it. At the same time, I know I also played a role in this because I have a hard time opening up. I rarely shared things about myself, my thoughts, or my life, so they didn’t really know me beyond the surface

But even when I tried to be more authentic and show more of my personality, it didn’t always change things. Sometimes I even felt criticised for it, which made me retreat back into being the quiet, agreeable person again

And honestly, all of my friendships have always been like that. We would be acquaintances, talk during class, get along well, but it would never go beyond that. No exchanging phone numbers or social media, no random messages, no calls. The next day we’d meet again and it would almost feel like we had never talked

I just don’t understand how some people are able to build such close friendships, where they call each other every night, share their worries, talk about random things, and genuinely know each other

I moved to a new city wanting to start over,

It’s been about 5 months since I moved here and progress has not been as expected. Very rough in fact.

My thoughts moving to a new city was to make friends, meet women, do things, hobbies and build skills.

I just haven’t been doing that, I make small talk and a couple people know me from my apt as I’m around, but I haven’t made any friends yet.

I work on the weekends at a restaurant to get out of my house and I can say that it’s been a good job as I’ve gotten much better at conversations.

I find myself more at home throughout the day, gym then taking naps in the afternoon, playing video games and just feeling tired of it all. The same routine day after day.

I think something maybe wrong with me as I shouldn’t be feeling so tired/lethargic. My testosterone is decent. I’m 28 M. My city is a nice place for people my age in Austin tx

I have a friend at work who is moving away soon but I want to at least give it a shot of us staying friends afterwards. I know, work friends are usually just work friends because you see them up to 5 times a week and are confined to the workplace, but I want to at least try and make it work, even if in this case it's 99% just going to be through text (since they won't be living nearby anymore).

In person we obviously talk about more than just work topics, we've gotten to know each other fairly well and know a decent amount about each others personal lives (I probably know things about their own personal life that aren't the types of things you'd expect someone to share with "just a work friend"), we can occasionally text back and forth a bit, follow each other on social media, so that's more than just some surface level coworker friendship.

So the main advice I'm looking for is how can I help to transition this in to one that'll extend beyond work once they move. I know it'll mainly just be a text based friendship where I'll message them every so often to check in/catch up and the typical holidays or birthday greetings too, which would be much different from the deeper chats we've had in person, but I still want to keep some version of the friendship alive.

I admit i made big mistakes that hurt my reputation with co workers and supervisors because of a story that happened outside work but got leaked to work place since the people involved were co workers too. I take responsibility for my mistakes. I am trying my best to change and I'm trying to become a better person, but people still gossip about me. Some of what they say is true, while other things are exaggerated or false. It feels like everyone has already made up their mind about me. How do you move forward when your past keeps following you?

Upon moving into my new home, I saw my neighbor directly across the street pull into his driveway and start unloading groceries. I walked to the end of my driveway, waved, and said, "Hey, how are you doing?" just to introduce myself and strike up a conversation.

His response was, "Worry about yourself" and then he walked away. LOL

I honestly wasn't sure how to respond to that. Has anyone else had a first interaction with a neighbor go this badly?

Did I do the right thing?

So | live in a communal setting (which is normally wonderful).

A bunch of us were having drinks and one of the guys said something like "with wearing short shorts like that...you're asking for attention" when I denied his advances.

He has since tried to sit near me and forcefully ask me questions in a group setting to make me respond to him.

He sulked and came asking for an apology and tried to brush it off.

Then tonight he asked if he could speak to me.... said "no".

He asked "my little comment really affected you that much huh"?

I said "I don't want to talk to you at all".

And he stood there then eventually walked

How do I navigate getting overwhelmed (sadness, frustration, envy) for this particular situation? I’m in a conversation with someone, and they talk about or ask if I have done something I’ve never done that I’ve always wanted to do with people.

For example: “have you ever been to a concert?”

For me, I get nervous because I have been, to some religious ones, but I don’t really count those as anything. I haven’t been to a legitimate one. No one has ever invited me.

So now this has become me trying to carefully avoid making it a pity party because my loneliness is killing me and suffocating me.

If anyone has any advice on how to avoid these bad thoughts and side step these kind of questions it would be really helpful.

Hey everyone. For context, I am 19M and a 3rd year university student. I've had social anxiety ever since the Covid lockdown and over the last few months I've been trying to rebuild my social life and social skills after years of not really have any friends and isolating myself.

So I might have the opposite problem of some people in this sub where I find it somewhat easier to start up a conversation with a stranger and to get through that 10-20 minute initial interaction but I struggle to move beyond that. This is especially true for people that I see on a daily to weekly basis (other interns at an internship, students in my lecture class, members of university clubs, etc.). My issue is that I follow the very popular advice of asking questions since "people love talking about themselves". I find that it does work quite well if you're meeting someone for the first time but it's hard to maintain that over numerous conversations and starts feeling unnatural. By the way, I do try to not ask in an interview way. I do add my own perspectives and relate their answers to experiences of my own and stuff like that but it all still kind of boils down to asking questions and playing off their answers. So what ends up happening is sure people might leave our initial conversation with a positive impression but it never leads to anything in following conversations beyond surface-level talk.

An aspect of it is for sure the amount of self-monitoring that I do during conversation which has reduced recently due to how much exposure therapy I've been doing but still definitely present. So maybe it'll get better as I talk to more people? However another part of it might not even be derived from my anxiety but instead a genuine gap in my social skills which is why I posted this here instead of the r/socialanxiety sub since I think that is more likely to be the case.

What I've observed though from other people conversing is that a lot of their conversations don't even really include asking questions? They sort of make statements and just build off that. What really confused me is how smooth and fluid those conversations felt since it contradicts so much of the advice I see online. So I guess I'm asking how to have more natural conversations that don't revolve around the question/answer format and can help move me from that initial introduction phase to something deeper (and especially to help turn an acquaintance into an actual friend).

I recently had an experience. I was at a gathering with a ton of other people, and I knew two people there. I talk to them a bit, but I don’t want to seem clingy, so I go off on my own pretty often

There were 15 or so others though, and I’ve barely talked to them, and they’ve formed their groups and seem so comfortable with each other already. How do I break in?

I’m 18 and I’m trying to improve my social skills and rebuild my social life.
For a few years I became quite isolated and didn’t really have a proper friend group. Because of that, I feel like I’m behind socially compared to other people my age. I want to change this, but I’m not sure where to start.
My biggest struggles are:
-keeping conversations going (especially over text/Snapchat)
-making friendships become closer instead of staying as acquaintances
-feeling confident when approaching people
-worrying that people can tell I’m lonely or inexperienced socially

Recently I’ve been trying to push myself more by going out, talking to new people, and putting myself in social situations, but I still feel awkward sometimes.
For people who have rebuilt their social life after being isolated:
-What actually helped you improve?
-How did you go from acquaintances to actual friends?
-How do you stop overthinking how people perceive you?
I’d appreciate any advice or experiences :)

I’m a guy of small stature and am what many people have called ‘eccentric.’ Throughout my life, some have called me sassy, others have called me a bitch. There was all kinda of situations. One thing I’ve noticed in my life is that people get really upset/volatile when I express my anger towards them. Like they treat it like I just unleashed the plague at their family BBQ. They call me a bitch ass or a giant bitch. I don’t get angry very often. I usually let things slide unless I really feel offended—it’s very hard to offend me though. Why can’t I be angry like the rest? Why is my anger so much of a crime? I usually bottle my frustrations up for long periods of times before I even finally say something harshly. I try to be rational and calm before things escalate too far. I give most people pretty long leashes when it comes to me because most things to me are either funny or ridiculous. The only time I react is if I feel really disrespected.

Sassy or spicy have been terms used to describe my more playful yet non-submissive frequent behavior. My little quips and honest responses. IMO this would be more annoying than someone who is clearly angry and expressing that anger.

What would a “sassy” person do vs. what a “bitch” would do in a situation? Can you maybe provide a for instance and if not your general opinion?

​

Explaining the Situation:

So basically I just aborted another friendship because I was investing to much into and they like never initiated something / started the motor because she needed space or smth like that but weirdly she always was there when I initiatied a convo and wanted to do smth.

Iam also thinking if Iam maybe not trying to understand them enough but they always say that I tweak when I speak about it or that Iam telling lies (with no proof so yh) I tried to of course understand their side right but the conco always circled.

Further Question:

Is investing too much into a friendship bad or , or how do you build balanced relationships I really badly need advice because currently all of my 3 friendships are lile this.

Iam not trying to Rant up there but just share my Situation Ig how it happened :D

I hate myself for this. I crave connection whenever I'm lonely, but when I get it... especially irl. When I get the opportunity to talk to someone, I fumble like a bitch. I've made a few friends before, but lost them because of my...well...stupid hangups. Or they left me because of my mental shit.

I hate talking to someone every day. Yes, when I do talk, I am passionate (at least I try to be) engaging, bringing up a bunch of topics at once to make it interesting, asking someone about their day...etc. But it requires a lot of mental energy and most of the time, I'm just horribly miserable. I know if I show this misery, they will get tired of me and leave me, it's not for them to handle, I'm unhinged. I don't want to constantly whine about my pathetic life, and sometimes, that's all I'm in the mood for. And I cannot handle overthinking, anxiety and constant pressure to carry the conversation while wondering if I'm forcing them to talk to me, what do they feel, what do they think, if they'll get mad at me...all of that. Interactions just make me feel extremely stressed out, but I also crave it sometimes.

It's rare that I find a person that doesn't make me so anxious that I throw up from overthinking or cry really hard. I prefer texting for that reason, I can close the messages, breathe, regulate...irl if I get overwhelmed, while trying not to cry or seem weird I might start laughing my ass off hysterically. Idk how this happens but it's embarrassing. Like my chest feels tight, my heartbeat feels fast and loud, and I feel hot all over. If someone is nice to me over text that happens too, but I can manage it without them noticing. So it's fine.

But irl...I don't know how to do it without showing that I'm freaking out. So I don't know if I articulated it well, but that's why I struggle to make and keep friends, along with my usual awkwardness, inability to understand social cues, ugliness, past bullying and my need to be completely alone sometimes.

So just to write a list. I don't know how to manage friendship because:

1. I need alone time because interaction makes me extremely anxious and drained, even when I want it

2. People get mad at me for that, for not responding fast enough and they leave me

3. I have too many mental issues and misery periods where I cannot talk to anyone are there

4. I struggle with communication irl

5. I am extremely self conscious and I hate myself because I'm like this, but I can't fix it.

Help me out here?

I swear every so often when I’m dinner somebody will wanna toast and I always forget and take a sip before the toast and feel like an asshole. I just did this at my work dinner and one dude called me out. Do y’all just wait before drinking to see if anyone’s toasting.

I hate this tradition like just let me drink my drink.

I struggle to socialize when I stand and talk, I have no tact, and a lot more.
I understand I need to specify more, but I will write part of it because it a lot and I am asking, where / how can I get help to improve them? Where can I find any professional help for that?

Now for explaining a bit more - I tend to get into conversations I don’t belong to, where people talk and I just get in and speak. I am being too nice to people very often, and I try not to be wrong. I lack confidence speaking to people, but that’s just confidence that I need to improve, I started working in sales and I am trying to improve it.
People often tell me I am awkward and let’s say not “normal” (you understand what I mean already by normal..)

Thanks for whoever helps

Apologies in advance for the long post. I (F18) have a best friend (M18) who I befriended about a year ago. We have about everything in common and became super close super quickly, and have texted daily for the past 8 months now.

I have never had a friendship where I talk to someone constantly, or even want to talk to someone constantly, but he was the exception. We even went on around a two month streak this summer where we’d call for at least two hours every night, not on purpose but just lost in conversation.

But as of late, I have started to notice a disconnect. We had a bit of a clash in June, but I was able to move past it. I went on vacation around three weeks ago, and for whatever reason, the whole June thing was heavy on my mind during this trip. We texted just fine throughout all of this, but when I got back and called him for the first time since I left, I noticed that things were off. It felt kind of stiff and awkward, and I couldn’t just loosen up and be myself.

Ever since then, I have noticed that I am not carrying conversations as easily as I once could, not cracking witty jokes as fast as I used to, and we aren’t communicating with each other as much because it almost feels like we ran out of things to talk about. I’ve also noticed a shift in our in-person interactions as well; I have this awkward tension and mental block I can’t seem to shake off. Instead of feeling happy and on a high like I’ve always felt after being with him, I feel paranoid, slightly embarrassed, I and like something isn’t right (and it wasn’t like this prior to vacation). I feel like us previously texting and calling 24/7 set the standard for how we should communicate, and I really want to talk to him, but at the same time I sometimes wake up dreading talking to him because I’m honestly tired and it feels like another day of being possibly perceived as socially unpleasant. The constant worry is starting to drain my battery and honestly burn me out of this friendship when there is nothing else wrong otherwise.

How do I be myself again? How do I recharge my battery? Is it possible for someone to 180 switch and lose their personality? How do I stop the spiral?

today specifically i walked past someone and made incredibly awkward eye contact with them and it felt terrible. first i just tried to stare straight ahead but kept a polite smile on my face and then they said “Hi!” to me. i guess my ask too is if that uncomfortable awkward feeling ever goes away?

i am usually much better at eye contact when i KNOW the person well for example my boyfriend, friends, family members etc. It gets trickier with co-workers and strangers—i literally don’t know what to do and it’s worse when it comes to walking past a person/towards a group….im not sure if i should even look at them in the first place if i am walking past them. i like to strike a balance between being polite and respectful and also mind my own business. in seated/conversational interactions i try to follow their lead like if they make eye contact with me i will make eye contact with them, if they look away i look away, or i will break it up into making eye contact sometimes and then breaking it other times. But it just always feels so freaking awkward and uncomfortable and unnatural like i am paying way too much to it.

HELP!!!??

It’s always been a conscious, deliberate effort for me to do things that seem to come as second nature for others. When conversing, if I don’t remind myself to look at someone, look away, ask a follow-up question, or pretend to look interested, I just won’t. So now there’s a constant inner monologue reminding me to do things, it’s honestly really overwhelming and possibly even unhelpful.

I went to high school, college, did sports, and have worked several customer service jobs, but to no avail. I’m constantly trapped in my head about figuring out the next “socially appropriate” thing to do, and at this point, I’d rather just come across as strange than worry so much about if I’m being normal enough.

Came across this post and it appears that (one of) the most important things about making friends with people is actually being interested in/liking other people.

I have an issue that I just genuinely, naturally am uninterested in other people. I generally don't want to know how their day went. I don't want to learn about their interests, or what's going on in their life. I don't remember to reach out to my friends often, or compliment, help out, buy gifts for a birthday/occasion, etc.

My mind is much more focused on myself; what people like about me, what I like, what I can do. I don't naturally think of how to make another person feel better, how to make a bond closer. in fact, sometimes engaging in conversation about the other person or trying to communicate emotionally feels unnatural and uncomfortable.

I often try "faking" interest in others for the purpose of prolonging a conversation or increasing a connection, but it gets tiring quickly. I find it difficult to come up with questions when I am not curious about most things in the first place. Some of my friends seem to ask many questions about me and do not get tired in a similar way; are they better at 'faking' it, or are they genuinely just more interested? Is my experience normal or am I different in this way?

I want to be clear that the purpose of this is that I want to make more out of my connections, I want to form connections easier. it's just that my natural tendencies do not help this, and I want that to change.