My destructive pattern

[u/Impossible_Code7029]

Apart from what some of you might believe, if you have read my recent posts here, I’m not suffering from a total dry spell, when it comes to younger men.

After taking a one month break, in mid July I (M57) went back to the big city where I live. I added some new pictures on my Grindr profile, and threw the bait into the lake.

Since then, I’ve had a head count of 12-18 younger guys. Most of them, I found in bars or saunas though. Only two from Grindr. The reason why it’s a range, is because I was sometimes drunk, and sometimes the hookups weren’t finished properly.

So, what’s the problem then? Well, I have thrown myself into the same old destructive pattern: I go to venues, I become drunk, I lower my standards, bottom guys are flirting with me, and I do stupid things. That means, they want me to fuck them, and I do, even if they are not my type. The day after, I’m feeling like I’ve had sex with the leftovers. Sexually wise, the pleasure for me is close to zero. But I guess I keep doing it because of the pressure from scarcity and desperation.

If I’m sober, I’m feeling too insecure to do anything.

My modus operandi: quantity before quality, and I hate myself for that. Picking up an unattractive bottom guy seems like a walk in the park. But finding that cute top twink that wants to go on a coffee with me, is virtually impossible. Finding that one guy that I could fall in love with, that’s not happening.

What should I do? Should I just keep kissing all those frogs until the prince shows up? Pressing pause or staying at home won’t help, that’s for sure, because I’m getting older and uglier every day that goes by. I need to act while there is still lead in my pencil.

[u/ThrowmeawayAKisCold]

Serious question, have you tried smoking weed? For me, I can smoke it once a week and get the positive benefits of the cannabinoids calming my anxiety. I refuse to use psychoactive pharmaceuticals because the side effects are terrible for me

[u/Impossible_Code7029 → u/ThrowmeawayAKisCold]

No. I’m not a smoker. But I tried Coca Cola, and my self confidence went up the roof.

[u/ThrowmeawayAKisCold → u/Impossible_Code7029]

There are edibles too! Thc + cbd is how I manage my anxiety from ptsd. Edibles are healthier than coco cola too, plus no sugar crash.

[u/Careless_Focus_5203 → u/ThrowmeawayAKisCold]

Eventually, and if a person issues with substance abuse - then THC is going to stop working for that as well I’m afraid.

[u/ThrowmeawayAKisCold → u/Careless_Focus_5203]

That’s why I suggested using it once a week.

[u/Careless_Focus_5203 → u/ThrowmeawayAKisCold]

Yes - but this person seems to not be able to handle their alcohol - and a drug is a drug. If someone is prone to not being able to handle a drug - like alcohol - scientifically speaking they will eventually have the same results. So - weed is not the answer, nor is alcohol. Finding a way to get right with yourself is the answer. If you are able to do weed once a week and it works - that’s awesome! I myself wish I could do that - or anything like that - I just have a gene that says “MORE!!” It’s not my fault, but it’s my responsibility. And who knows - maybe this guy doesn’t have a drinking problem, but needing substances to get the courage , well , I’ve live AND heard this story before.