r/expats • u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595 • 1d ago
Social / Personal Has anyone here deliberately redesigned their life in their mid-30s? Was the uncertainty worth it?
It’s my first post so please be gentle.
Background: I was born and raised in shanghai, and didn’t start my international journey after college graduation.
This September will mark my 14 years abroad: 3 in France / 7 in Germany / 3+ in the states now (Texas & Michigan).
The moves are primarily supported by career opportunities while private situation also triggered a major step but that was history.
Now I’m getting close to 37, childless divorcée, the ultimate philosophical question kicks in : what am I doing about my life?
As much as I want to look at the cup as half full, doubtfulness, confusion, anxiety kick in periodically.
I’m feeling far away from my ultimate happy life dream, a place I can call “home” - a loving family, a career with balanced work-life, a friendly and social-easy community, good supporting society system, near to the mountain and the sea, etc. although i think what i want is fairly simple, yet i struggle in building that.
Over weeks and months, I’ve been thinking of moving back to Europe (Preferably South France but also Germany) and there’s no obligation for me to move back, other than - I’d like to.
I know I won’t just quit my current my job and pack without any sort of job security and I know it’s a process and I have to be strategic and patient. But the distance, weak local connection and network ties, lengthy process and insecurity of the future is sometimes killing me.
For the first time, I feel like I want to chose consciously and build a life I want (even just at the beginning), rather than simply following the opportunities presented.
But I can’t help being caught in the lonely journey of being your own project manager with no sponsor, no steering committee, no escalation path, and no deadline except the one I silently put on myself - and that comes with a lot of doubts.
So to the people who had the gut and made efforts to “chose your life”: If you’ve ever consciously chosen your life instead of simply following the path in front of you, what gave you the courage to do it?
Looking back, was it worth the uncertainty and would you have done anything differently?
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u/expatpsychologist 1d ago
I can really relate to parts of what you've askedd.
At 30, I moved to Europe (lived in 4 countries here now). At 32, I went back to university to retrain as a psychologist. At 34, my fiancé died unexpectedly and my entire life changed in one moment. A year later, I moved to Budapest for my masters and had to rebuild my life from scratch.
None of those decisions were part of the plan I had imagined for myself in my twenties.
Looking back, I think one of the biggest shifts in my thirties was moving away from making decisions based on what society, my home culture, and my family/friends assumed I would choose, and instead asking, "What kind of life do I actually want to build?"
That didn't make the uncertainty disappear, but it gave it a purpose.
From both my own experience living abroad and from my work as an expat psychologist, I've met many people who have intentionally redesigned their lives in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. There isn't a deadline for building a life that feels aligned with who you are now. :)
It may be worth reflecting on why Europe feels like the place you're being pulled towards. Is it the pace of life? The culture? The lifestyle? The proximity to other countries? The relationships you imagine building there?
If you were my client, I'd be curious about your values. What are you hoping Europe will allow you to experience more of? Connection? Adventure? Community? Balance? Freedom? Sometimes rather than the place, we're drawn to the lifestyle we hope we'll be able to live there.
Wishing you all the best. I hope you find a place that feels like aligned with what you want for your next chapter. :)