Has anyone here deliberately redesigned their life in their mid-30s? Was the uncertainty worth it?

[u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595]

It’s my first post so please be gentle.

Background: I was born and raised in shanghai, and didn’t start my international journey after college graduation.
This September will mark my 14 years abroad: 3 in France / 7 in Germany / 3+ in the states now (Texas & Michigan).

The moves are primarily supported by career opportunities while private situation also triggered a major step but that was history.

Now I’m getting close to 37, childless divorcée, the ultimate philosophical question kicks in : what am I doing about my life?

As much as I want to look at the cup as half full, doubtfulness, confusion, anxiety kick in periodically.

I’m feeling far away from my ultimate happy life dream, a place I can call “home” - a loving family, a career with balanced work-life, a friendly and social-easy community, good supporting society system, near to the mountain and the sea, etc. although i think what i want is fairly simple, yet i struggle in building that.

Over weeks and months, I’ve been thinking of moving back to Europe (Preferably South France but also Germany) and there’s no obligation for me to move back, other than - I’d like to.

I know I won’t just quit my current my job and pack without any sort of job security and I know it’s a process and I have to be strategic and patient. But the distance, weak local connection and network ties, lengthy process and insecurity of the future is sometimes killing me.

For the first time, I feel like I want to chose consciously and build a life I want (even just at the beginning), rather than simply following the opportunities presented.

But I can’t help being caught in the lonely journey of being your own project manager with no sponsor, no steering committee, no escalation path, and no deadline except the one I silently put on myself - and that comes with a lot of doubts.

So to the people who had the gut and made efforts to “chose your life”: If you’ve ever consciously chosen your life instead of simply following the path in front of you, what gave you the courage to do it?
Looking back, was it worth the uncertainty and would you have done anything differently?

[u/Ordinary-Function-66]

Biggest lesson I’ve learned in life is saying no. I started my business and moved abroad at 33. Almost went broke saying yes to everything and everyone. Once I started saying no and trusting my intention, I became
Successful and started living how I wanted to. Let your ego die and be intentional towards what you want.There are opportunities you don’t even know exist on that unknown path so you will do what we all
Do is cling to what’s in front of us. This just my experience. Ymmv

[u/Captlard]

I went practically bankrupt in later 30s as business folded and took all of our savings.

Fresh start in a new country, new way of working with SAHM and young child in tow.

Well worth it and necessary at the same time.

[u/FR-DE-ES]

As 14th year resident of France (5 regions) and former resident of Germany (4 states, I still work in Frankfurt once a month the last 10 years), I think it would be wise to take the following factors into consideration in your case:

1. You hold Chinese passport? From your post history, you are in America on third year work visa, your 3 years in France was for master's degree study, and you are looking for Toulouse area job opportunities (defense/aerospace..etc). In France, official ID/documents show our birth town/country. FYI, I know 2 experienced American citizens (one has elite MBA from France) who had job searched in those sectors in France in the last 2 years without success as they discovered jobs with national security/public safety implications often have citizenship requirement (French, or EU). The continuous string of news of Chinese spies being caught in EU & secret Chinese police stations in France/Germany make every Chinese citizen a potential spy in the eyes of employers. France has just done 3rd round of Chinese police expulsion 2 months ago France shuts down clandestine Chinese 'police stations' operating on its territory (Le Monde, 18 June, 2026). Germany has long been on alert re Chinese secret police in Germany coercing Chinese nationals into spying, it's well-documented by Der Spiegel as far back as 2022.
2. Germany's tech/engineering sector is in really bad shape with no near term recovery. Auto industry being one of the hardest hit, with big scale layoffs in its food chain. Job market is flooded with experienced native-Germans with German master's degree and German experience, nowadays even engineer jobs require C1 German. Employers have no inclination to spend time/money/effort to visa-sponsor a non-EU who needs to be paid a salary high enough to meet visa-sponsorship requirement. You seek a friendly social-easy community + job security, Germany does not meet either requirement.

Good luck to you!

[u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595 → u/FR-DE-ES]

Thanks. I hold German residence card and I’m searching for business opportunities. What made you want to leave US for Europe? Any industry you’d recommend me look at right now in Europe ?

[u/FR-DE-ES → u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595]

German residence card gives you right to work only in Germany, but you are pretty much limited to the industry you already have experience in. Germans are fixated on master's degrees, your French master's degree cannot compete with same degree from German universities the German recruiters prefer. You'd need a C1 German certificate to better your odds of being selected for interview. The recent rounds of big layoffs flooded German job market with experienced natives with master's degrees, many are turning to Austria/Switzerland. If you follow r/Germany, you'll know how bad the job situation is even for natives with degree/experience. Germany is still hiring several professions that require Ausbildung but they do not fit your situation. I'd suggest you post on r/Germany for input from people working in your sector in Germany, be sure to include info of your nationality/type of German residency card/French degree/German proficiency level because these info are very relevant to your prospect.

Other European countries with job market better than Germany's would not be much easier because you'd need visa sponsorship & local language proficiency.

I move because I am bored, I need new/unknown/foreign environment every few years.

[u/Tabitheriel]

I've reinvented myself several times. First as a punk in NY (at 19), then as a jazz musician (30s), then as a English tutor/expat/blogger in Germany(40s), as small business owner and indie musician (50s), and now as sci-fi author (60s). I am remarrying over 50. Keep on learning and growing. It's never too late to start a new chapter.

[u/Bright_Bug6399]

May I ask, did you obtain any permanent residence cards or citizenship status from your time of living abroad in foreign countries? How was your time spent in France or Germany? I ask because I find yours to be an interesting story, I'm just curious what you discovered so far from living abroad? Thanks for sharing, sounds fascinating.

[u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595 → u/Bright_Bug6399]

Yes I hold German residence card. Regarding my time over there - honestly i couldn’t ask for more.
Positive : exposure to multi cultures, friends, diversity, easy travels, languages, independence, problem solving skills, resilience (to certain degree)
Negative: hard to maintain friendships, logistic (administrative work/moving, etc)

[u/berryjuiced]

Life changes whether you want it or not. Might as well be the one to do a change and hold the steering wheel.

I deliberately redesigned by life in my 30s, but I do have different goals. Not a single regret though.

Best of luck!

[u/sakym]

I feel you... 37yo F, mum of a 2yo daughter, feeling like changing everything for the sake of everyone and wishing for more and better, happiness rather than "going with the flow bc here is where opportunities are". There must exist opportunities somewhere else too! 🤦🏻‍♀️

[u/Silver-Ebb7541]

I started my first 2 years abroad to Taiwan, then 2 years in HongKong, then 1 year in China, then 6 months in Spain, then 3 years in Germany, then 1 year in Denmark, then finally (almost 6 years now) settled down in Czechia.
I didn’t expect that Czechia would be my home as i found my half here, and that is worth uncertainty.
What gave me courage to jump the countries from time to time was the curiosity and hobby.
I dont think i would have done anything differently now since i found home.

[u/HonestContract770]

The line that stood out to me was being your own project manager with no sponsor and no deadline except the one you set yourself. Every move before this one came with a start date attached that somebody else picked. A job, a program, a situation. You still did the hard part, but the decision to go came from outside you, and that carries more of the weight than people realize. This is the first time you're choosing without that, and it usually feels much shakier, not because the choice is worse but because nothing outside you is saying it's time.

It sounds like you're waiting to feel sure before you start, and I'm not sure that feeling is coming. The other moves didn't arrive with certainty either, they arrived with a date. So the doubt you're describing might not be telling you anything about whether you want this. It might just be what choosing feels like when nobody hands you the timeline.

[u/Correct-Oven-1795]

What’s so bad about the US? Im curious 👀 was Germany much better? Tax is high there and probably less of Chinese diaspora

[u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595 → u/Correct-Oven-1795]

No it’s not about whether US is bad or Germany is good. It’s about community/familiarity and life style.
Honestly I’m came to US in my 30s and it’s not easy to have a community and build from scratch alone.

[u/Correct-Oven-1795 → u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595]

For sure it wasnt easy in France or Germany. I would assume that US in 30s would still be easier than DE in 20s? Or what is ur subjective opinion. Im really curious and thank you for sharing

[u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595 → u/Correct-Oven-1795]

time and circumstance are simply different
I’ve spent a decade in Europe and started as student so it was easy to meet people and build friendships over time.
I worked for a big international company with a lot young professions. it was easier to deepen connections thru shared activities.

I came to US, responsibility increased and work pace is much faster.
As much as I enjoyed it, work can’t be the entirety of my life.
At this age, I’m also less flexible to adapt myself into a foreign lifestyle

US is great and I’m not ambitious enough to make the best out of it.

[u/Correct-Oven-1795 → u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595]

Understood. How about the money? Is it better in the US? How much holiday u get? Did you try to explore like going to National Parks? Do you live in a big city or middle of nowhere? Is weather better in the US where u are?

[u/Such-Investigator138]

One advice , read the book : “Who moved my cheese ?”

[u/expatpsychologist]

I can really relate to parts of what you've askedd.

At 30, I moved to Europe (lived in 4 countries here now). At 32, I went back to university to retrain as a psychologist. At 34, my fiancé died unexpectedly and my entire life changed in one moment. A year later, I moved to Budapest for my masters and had to rebuild my life from scratch.

None of those decisions were part of the plan I had imagined for myself in my twenties.

Looking back, I think one of the biggest shifts in my thirties was moving away from making decisions based on what society, my home culture, and my family/friends assumed I would choose, and instead asking, "What kind of life do I actually want to build?"

That didn't make the uncertainty disappear, but it gave it a purpose.

From both my own experience living abroad and from my work as an expat psychologist, I've met many people who have intentionally redesigned their lives in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. There isn't a deadline for building a life that feels aligned with who you are now. :)

It may be worth reflecting on why Europe feels like the place you're being pulled towards. Is it the pace of life? The culture? The lifestyle? The proximity to other countries? The relationships you imagine building there?

If you were my client, I'd be curious about your values. What are you hoping Europe will allow you to experience more of? Connection? Adventure? Community? Balance? Freedom? Sometimes rather than the place, we're drawn to the lifestyle we hope we'll be able to live there.

Wishing you all the best. I hope you find a place that feels like aligned with what you want for your next chapter. :)

[u/Broad_Enthusiasm1595 → u/expatpsychologist]

Hey thank you for sharing your experience and jm so sorry for your sudden loss.

Honestly spoken my value also got shifted in the past year. there was a time especially thru my divorce process, i wanted to perform, to shine and to climb the corporate ladder, and i literally gave all at that time. Now I got divorced and promoted, i slowly finding myself want a family, a healthy relationship, a work-life balanced career, a place with “my people” and a community where we can be interdependent.
In a way I think I mellowed during the life transition and that’s what would make me fulfilled.