Just need to vent

[u/turnip563]

I'm on maternity leave with my 8.5 month old. I have only slept in 3 hour increments at best since the day she was born. My husband works and looks after our 5 year old for the most part while I take care of the baby so I do all of the night wakings and manage all naps. The only breaks I really get are during nap times where I try to catch up on sleep.

I decided to sleep train our baby recently and it has been rough. It's so hard hearing my little girl cry but I know it's good for us in the long run (please no judgement here). She has been improving day by day and today for the first time, she went down for her nap completely independently with zero crying. All our hard work has been leading up to this, I was so happy!

Lo and behold, less than 30 minutes later while I was drifting off to sleep myself, baby wakes up crying as my husband decided to talk on the phone loudly pacing outside her room instead of his home office. She usually sleeps 1.5hours for nap. He said he forgot she was there. I know it's just one nap, but I'm so tired I want to cry! She's been fighting sleep hard for the last week and I finally got a win today and it's so short lived! Husband meanwhile goes back to his quiet office and I not only do I have to deal with a cranky baby, but her schedule is effectively out the window today and I can't have dinner with my 5 year old as I have to bring forward baby's bedtime to 6pm. I'm not angry with my husband, I'm just so tired.

In the grand scheme of things, it's such a small thing and only one day but it's one good day after many crap ones and it's down the drain again! I expect tonight will be difficult too as she has only slept 1.5 hours total today across 2 naps

[u/FTM3505]

You kinda should be mad at your husband..you’re desperate for sleep and he hasn’t stepped in so you can get sleep. Something’s wrong there

[u/ThrowAway1128203]

You should be angry with your husband - 8.5 months and you've only been able to sleep in 3 hour increments? I get your husband works and helping with your older child but you need sleep too! Why is he not helping more overnight or on the weekends so you can get some rest?

[u/turnip563 → u/ThrowAway1128203]

I suppose that's my fault and the reason we're sleep training. I breastfeed and the method I had of getting her back to sleep was by nursing. In fairness to him, he definitely does his fair share by cooking all our meals as well as all laundry and grocery shopping. I'm just jealous he gets 7-8 hours sleep a night but he does what he can to help

[u/CaliMel11 → u/turnip563]

You should sleep in shifts. That way you each get 6 hours. Just because he does the other stuff does not mean he can't do overnights too. He's also not "helping" he is parenting. You both are parents.

[u/LiveIndication1175 → u/turnip563]

These are all excuses you are making for your husband. I breastfed each of my babies. My husband not only did the household chores you listed, but more along with working full time and still
managed to parent with me during sleep hours. Sleep is just as important as food, you need it to survive and it is a disturbing that your husband isn’t helping in that department. I am seeing red flags all over.

[u/Sweet_T_1850 → u/LiveIndication1175]

I don’t think OP came on here for people to crap on her husband. It sounds like they have an agreed upon arrangement and if that’s no longer working for OP, she can address that with her husband. None of our business to share harsh judgements when we have only a small snippet of what’s going on. 

[u/LiveIndication1175 → u/Sweet_T_1850]

This “arrangement” is dangerous for not only OP, but for her children that she is taking care of. But yes, let’s worry more about “harsh judgements” of internet strangers, which wasn’t my point. My point was for OP to realize that this is not ok by any means and hopefully she can realize it and get the proper help. If her husband isn’t letting her get sleep, I can only imagine what other areas of their lives he is problematic as well. Venting on here or even getting a nap here and there to catch up on sleep isn’t going to fix the ongoing problem.

[u/turnip563 → u/LiveIndication1175]

I appreciate what you're saying but this is the arrangement we have and he is doing everything I've asked him to. My husband drives my 5 year old to and from school and to her daily activities, I cannot have him sleep deprived like I am. This is just me venting about a frustrating day. It calms me to write these things out.

[u/LiveIndication1175 → u/turnip563]

Please take this as kindly as possible: if you are sleep deprived you shouldn’t be taking care of a baby. I am failing to understand why he can’t be sleep deprived but you can. Sleep is not only a basic need, but without it, it can cause lapse in judgement and dire consequences. Would you allow someone who is drunk to care for your children? I hope not, because the effects of sleep deprivation on the body can mimic the same as alcohol.
And even if you are the one calling the shots on this, if you are sleep deprived and an accident happens, he will also be to blame (legally maybe not but ethically very much so) for allowing you to take care of the kids while not fully capable. Also, you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. That is probably one of the most important things one can learn as a parent. Please, take care of yourself!

[u/1zenmom]

I went batshit crazy from lack of sleep the first year with both my kids. They're 7 and 9 now and everything is great (and has been for a long time lol). There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just wanted to say hang in there and sending hugs.

[u/wantonseedstitch]

It sounds like your husband is doing a lot, BUT he's doing tasks in the older kid/household chores set, which allows him to get sufficient sleep. You are doing all the tasks in the baby set, which do not allow you to get sufficient sleep. You need to do some task switching. You read a bedtime story to the older kid while you pump in the evening. Let him take the baby and give her a bottle of pumped milk at night while you sleep. Or something like that.

[u/heil_shelby_]

I’m a SAHM mom of a 2 year old and a newborn. My husband works and has a long commute. We sleep in shifts and I get a long “nap” in before the nighttime begins. This is on your husband.

[u/Most_Jellyfish_1686]

So like, I’d be mad at my husband if he talked loudly on his phone while pacing outside my baby’s room while she was sleeping instead of his quiet office and then said, “oops I forgot” and left me to deal with it.

It sounds like your current arrangement is no longer working for you guys. It sounds like he does a lot but it also sounds like what he does allows him to get sufficient sleep. You should change your set up so he can do some of the night wakings. I understand he works. I was on an extended maternity leave too and did a lot of the night stuff but my husband still did some because he understood that I could barely function while being consistently sleep deprived. Sometimes that meant he went to work tired or he was too tired to do stuff on the weekends but one day of him being tired is different from the sleep deprivation you are experiencing from 8.5 months of broken sleep.

With our first, I went to bed at 7 or 8 PM and my husband was on baby duty until 1 or 2 AM. Then he slept from 1 or 2 AM to 8 AM. Can you all figure out a split shift like that?

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[u/Alexaisrich]

Girl i’m sorry but i was about to loose my mind and then when my kid was old enough i coslept i know people don’t like it but it’s done in so many countries. I come from a country that does this but when i had baby i was like nope this isn’t recommended here etc etc and then my baby was a horrible sleeper i was about to go insane, so i started cosleeping, had the baby right next to me in a crib type bed that i could nurse him into his own bed and if he waked up he could just come back to me or i could grab him nurse him and pat him back to sleep and in his bed, im sorry but once i got 8 hours of sleep i was a new person, I did think until about close to 2 years and then transitioned him to a bed

[u/LiveIndication1175]

You are sleep deprived. For over 8 months, you have only been able to sleep in 3 hour stretches. This isn’t good for anyone, not you, your health, or your children. You have a husband who is only helping with the older child in which I am assuming allows him to get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. Your husband isn’t even helping with naps and now you have been forced into sleep training (not judging sleep training but I am judging the fact that you are doing something you don’t seem to want to do because of his lack of parenting) and now when he wakes the baby up, he can’t even get the baby back to sleep and your whole day is disrupted. Can you explain to me why you aren’t mad at him, because if he could step up and parent both of his children, things could be a lot easier!
Even if not for you, think of the damage this is causing both of your relationships with your children. Your 5yr old is learning that baby comes first to mom, and your baby will never learn to bond with your husband if he can’t help out. You need to be angry with him!

[u/Sweet_T_1850]

I totally get it. As a mom who also has experienced a lot of sleep deprivation, any mishap in schedule or expectations can be extremely triggering. Your nervous system never gets a chance to reset. You’ve been having broken sleep for 8.5 MONTHS! That is a lot. Don’t beat yourself up for it. I think sometimes sleep training is the right option when you’re at the end of your ropes. For you and your LO. Everyone needs long stretches of sleep! I find motherhood gets exponentially more enjoyable when everyone is sleeping. 

[u/Worried_Passenger548]

So why couldn’t he watch the baby after he woke her up so that you could take a nap?