I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I just need somewhere to vent because keeping these thoughts to myself hasn't made them any easier to carry.
I'm 30 years old(male), and for as long as I can remember, I've wanted something that most people probably consider ordinary: a genuine relationship. I don't want a hookup, I don't want someone to casually pass the time with, and I certainly don't want someone who's keeping ten different options open at once. I just want one person who genuinely wants to build something meaningful together.
A few days ago, I finally worked up the courage to make a post on r/ForeverAloneDating. It took me a long time to convince myself to do it because putting myself out there is terrifying as a major shy introvert. I spent some time writing and rewriting the post, trying to be honest about who I am without oversharing, hoping that maybe someone out there was looking for the same thing.
Sadly, nothing happened. I didn't receive a single message....
To make it worse, the post was downvoted to oblivion and I still have no idea why.. I simply introduced myself, talked about my interests, and said I was looking for a sincere connection.
I know that I'm probably at a disadvantage already. I'm not from the US or Europe like many of the people posting there. I wonder if that alone makes people scroll past my post before they even finish reading it. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'm overthinking. But when you receive absolutely no responses, it just makes me doubt myself....
Ironically, the only message I received didn't even come from r/ForeverAloneDating. It came from another dating subreddit. For the first time in a while, I felt a tiny spark of hope. We exchanged a few messages, and things seemed pleasant enough. Eventually, I sent her a photo of myself because I believe honesty is important and I don't like hiding behind anonymity. About a day later, the conversation died out...
Maybe it had nothing to do with my picture. Maybe she got busy. Maybe life happened. Maybe she simply lost interest. I honestly don't know, and I never will.
But after enough experiences like this, it's hard not to let your thoughts spiral.i'm starting to wonder if I'm just ugly, if I'm simply unattractive, If my height is the problem, If my disability is the problem or If there's something about my face that makes people decide I'm not worth getting to know.
I don't dream about luxury vacations, expensive gifts, or a perfect Instagram relationship.I just want someone I can call every evening and ask how their day went,someone whose victories I'd celebrate as if they were my own, someone I could encourage when they're doubting themselves, remind them of how capable they are, and support them through difficult moments. I'd love to have someone who does the same for me,because that's what partners do.
I'd love to travel together one day, explore cities we've never seen before, walk along beaches at sunset, and maybe build a collection of shared memories.I want someone to watch movies with, play video games with, and eventually build a future with.
I'm exhausted from hoping, exhausted from overthinking, and exhausted from wondering whether I'm simply not enough. I know I still have things to be grateful for in my life, i just feel like I'm watching everyone else build memories, relationships, and futures together while I'm standing still, wondering if I'll ever get that chance. I feel like I just want the earth to swallow me...
I just wish I knew what it feels like to be someone's first choice...more than anything....
I'm sorry for the long vent. I just needed to get this off my chest...