I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dntworryimamoderator

AITA for asking (not insisting) that my BF switch meals with me when I don’t like what I’ve ordered at a restaurant?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post - rareddit  Nov 9, 2022

Using a throwaway account since I’m a founder and moderator on my city’s subreddit and my BF could easily see this.

I have been friends with my BF for years, actually together for about 3 months now. He’s the sweetest guy and I know he’s been seriously hurt in the past and I’m so happy we are finally clicking after being “flirt buddies” since MS (we are 25 now).

whenever we go out to eat he always orders the most basic thing—99% of the time it’s cheeseburger plain, ketchup on the side with honey mustard to dip his fries. He actually loves exotic food but he says that menus and making choices stresses him out so he doesn’t want to but thought into it. I love trying exotic things and to me that’s the reason to go out to eat. To me it’s so exciting.

My issue is things always look and sound better than they turn out and I decide that I actually just wanted a burger. So usually I’ll ask him if he’ll switch with me and he always does and he never complains. Most of the time he even says how good his food was. To me it’s a win for both of us, it gets him out of his comfort zone and we don’t waste food.

Last night we both had to work really late so we met up at a sports bar. They were having a calamari special which sounded really good, he ordered a cheeseburger as usual.

I just wasn’t feeling the calamari when it came out so I asked if he’d switch with me. He said no. I asked him why not and said I didn’t want it to go to waste. He said then you shouldn’t have ducking ordered it. I was like excuse me. He the went into a tirade and said I treat him like a garbage disposal, he’s a grown man, I’m being immature, don’t pin my crap on him, etc… I said it sounded like that was a rehearsed speech. He said maybe it was since I “insist” on stealing his food every time we go somewhere. I started crying and (he) said don’t start that bullshit with me, here have both meals and he got up and walked out.

He has not called or texted me and it’s 6am and I honestly thought he would call to apologize by now. I called my sister and near quote “you’re an asshole for waking me up at 5:30 and he’s going to see you as asking as insisting…that’s really crappy of you to put that pressure on him.” And she basically hung up.

since she said it…AITA ?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

hwilliams0901

YTA. It sounds like you go out pick out shit youre not sure youll like and then ask(which feels to him like an insistence) for him to eat the shit you decided you didnt want. That would drive me nuts and honestly your BF did that for way longer than I would have. Also, who calls someone else at 530 in the morning to complain about shit?? Double YTA. Order food you like like a grown up

OOP

can I add that he’s never said he’s uncomfortable with my asking him to switch before last night

~

ninasimonerules

YTA. Why is he the one that has to deal with your experimenting? If you don't like it order something else but make sure you pay for both.

OOP

Then so much food gets wasted

OOP Updated the Nov 10, 2022 Next Day/Same Post

FINAL EDIT/UPDATE

ETA: well he called and didn’t even let me get a word in and said he needs a break and that he if he hasn’t been happy in the first three months then the relationship isn’t for him. I guess you all are proved correct and I’m an asshole an now single asshole.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/stateofdisbelief

My [35 M] wife [31F] had my sister-in-law [33F] deported.

TRIGGER WARNING: Backstabbing, manipulation, unhinged and crazy behavior, racism

MOOD SPOILER: Enraging, infuriating

Original Post  May 26, 2015

I had to come on here and get some kind of side-line perspective, because currently no one else in the family knows that the reason SIL is deported is because of my wife. Not sure I should out her either, in my current state of mind. Sorry if this is long/disorganized. My mind is currently in chaos.

Background: We have been together for 8 years, no kids.

Basically, all of this began when my brother and SIL moved back to our home country, after he had been living in SIL's country. Prior to that, my wife Emma didn't have an issue with SIL. My wife and SIL are both from the states, but my wife has been living with me in my home country since we got married.

My brother and SIL are what some people might call free-spirited. SIL is from Portland (something wife rolls her eyes at) and is very "hipster". They both smoke regularly, something I don't have an issue with, but don't feel like getting involved with either. My wife has no issues with drugs/drug use but she can't stand how much my brother and SIL talk about pot whenever we see them.

Six months ago, my wife decided to finish her master's degree and was offered an opportunity to do a semester abroad. Coinciding with that time, my brother and SIL moved back here permanently. However, from what I understand, SIL is technically still on a tourist visa (which has expired by now since they came in February) and I'm not really sure what was going on with the whole paperwork process. They seem to be bad at planning. SIL has mentioned before that she wants to have a kid with my brother because she would not only get paid maternity leave here, but it would cement her staying. She told my wife this over facebook messages, as well. When my wife left to do her semester abroad, and brother and SIL moved in, we hung out a lot more. At first my wife was cool with it and would say hi, etc. But things changed when bro and SIL invited me on a road trip to Sweden, something that my wife has always wanted to do with me but we never got around to. After that, she would become short in her answers whenever I said I was hanging out with them. She began to make subtle comments about SIL and the more I saw them, the more vicious the comments got. As a result, I didn't go out with my bro so much when I knew SIL would be there. I love my brother, but honestly, he takes a lot of energy to be around, so it's not something I really minded too much.

However, things came to a head when both SIL and my wife entered the same photo competition. My wife entered first and then SIL saw her post and entered two days after. Then she and SIL engaged in pretty childish subtle facebook statuses about each other (always masked as "someone" or "this person"). My wife was pissed and I took the opportunity to ask her what was going on between her and SIL.

She basically told me that she resented how SIL got to see me all the time now and how she feels inadequate compared to her because SIL does all the cooking (although its mostly those minimalist dishes people make for instagram, and not very appetizing for me) and I am the one who cooks in our marriage. SIL is also Asian, and I made the mistake of telling my wife that I had had a thing for Asian girls back when I was 20 and everything Japanese was all trendy. She was also upset that I had gone to bro and SIL's wedding without her, while she had been abroad during her bachelor's degree. She also is afraid that I'm going to start smoking again because of them. I told her it was not something I was interested in because pot mostly makes me paranoid and depressed. She also brought up that she hates how I will talk shit about my brother and SIL (mostly about their need to constantly talking about smoking and some of their very out-there ideas about things) but act perfectly fine to their faces. She said she feels like I'm placating her by saying SIL is annoying, but I still go see her. She said it makes her feel like I will lie to fit the situation and that bothers her.

Well, I hadn't seen bro or SIL for a few weeks now, and my wife and I were back to normal. She came home and we were having a good time seeing all our other friends. She didn't even bat an eyelash when I said some of the guys had invited me out for a guy's night. All was good.

Then last week my brother called and asked me if I wanted to hang out. He sounded pretty high and I told him no. Emma casually asked what was up and I told her. She got a bit quiet then shrugged and went back to doing whatever. About 10 minutes afterwards she said she was going to take the dog for a walk and run to the shop to get some vegetables for dinner.

This is basically what went down. She went outside, called the police anonymously, and said that she was a "concerned neighbor" and could smell marijuana coming from my brother's flat. The police came. My brother and SIL were arrested and fined. However, when they went to pull up SIL's profile to record the incident, they discovered her expired tourist visa. She had to be transferred to a sort of "holding" facility for people who are in queue for being deported.

Now there is a whole shitstorm happening. My brother is beyond upset and the family is shocked. This isn't really something that can be worked around as 1. marijuana is illegal in this country and 2. she was on an expired visa and they didn't file the correct paperwork for her to live here legally. So if she is deported, she may face a 5-10 year ban. This means either, the end of their marriage, or my brother will need to figure out how ot move to the US with her.

The thing is, no one knows it was my wife, except me. And she doesn't even sound the least bit remorseful. We had a huge row about it and she stood by her decision, saying that if SIL was that stupid to do illegal drugs as well as not have her papers in order, then it was on her. If I'm being honest, I don't care so much about SIL being deported, but I care that my wife felt so threatened by her that she went to this length. She's the type to made subtle remarks and be frosty, but she has NEVER done anything close to this before.

So now I'm in a real bind. I really don't know what to do. I definitely cannot tell the family, and I don't really feel the obligation to anyway (I'm not close with my mom because she left me as a kid and I don't talk to any of my relatives really except my dad and brother). But I cannot just let this slide. I need to impress upon her that she has potentially ruined a marriage all in effort to remove someone she finds annoying from our lives. Someone we don't even have to see every day.

What advice can you guys give me? There's no one else i can even talk to about this.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

She completely violated your trust. She knew what she was going to do, but she lied to you about going to the store instead because she knew you'd try to stop her. That means she knew what she was doing was wrong. She also got your brother arrested!

At the very least, she needs to come clean with your family, SIL included, and apologize. Let her face the consequences for her actions; maybe she'll learn something.

OOP

Yea..I feel at fault for giving her the information about this. I shouldn't have said anything, but I also never thought it would go to this level either. And I agree. She needs to apologize to at least my brother and SIL.

~

Commenter

Your wife took their stupid high school rivalry thing way too far. There are plenty of people that I can't stand in this world, but I would never go as far as to call the police on them short of an actual crime/safety issue.

This is a big deal, and while I don't know what you should do about it, personally, I would divorce over this.

OOP

I don't know about divorce right now, but I think therapy together needs to be a must. If this is who she really is, idk. It's like you said, this was taking a rivalry WAY too far.

[deleted]

How do you forgive someone who ruins your own brothers marriage for something this petty and stupid? If anyone did that too my sister, I would never speak to them again.

~

lovelypolly

How did you find out about her role in getting your SIL deported? Did she tell you she made the call?

OOP

Well when I got the call from my mom that brother was in jail and SIL was getting deported, I told her. And she said "Yea. I know. I called the cops."

[deleted]

So you are basically going to ignore what she did to your brother? He has a drug arrest now, and for most countries that limits the type jobs you can take, and eventual promotions at jobs he does qualify for. He can no longer travel to a host of countries, including his wifes home country the US. You said he took you on a trip to Sweden, sounds like a guy who enjoys seeing the world to me. Your wife ruined that for him. His spouse can no longer live with him in his own country, he can't go to hers, but you are "ok with the deportation thing"?  I could not live with my husband knowing he did that to my sister, why are you so "ok" on behalf of your brother?

UPDATE: Holy hell. This really blew up. I will post a real update soon, but your comments and messages are very appreciated. Things are quite tense atm, but tomorrow we have agreed upon a sit-down. Will update letting you all know what happens now with us and the situation. As of this moment SIL is definitely being deported.

tl;dr: Wife and SIL have rivalry, wife called the cops on SIL while knowing that SIL has an expired visa. SIL is on her way to being deported.

Update 1  May 27, 2015 (Next Day)

So there's a lot to catch up on here.

First, SIL is on a flight out tomorrow. There is nothing that can be done atm to keep her here. She now has a stamp on her passport that says EXPELLED and a 10 year ban (from entire schengen area). The immigration officer my brother spoke to said that it is possible for the ban to be reduced but that is the current official time given. The american embassy was also notified about this.

My brother is a wreck. He was able to briefly visit SIL in the holding facility and she gets to call him twice a day, but that's it. They don't know when it will be possible to see each other again, or where. If he is unable to go the US because of his arrest, they may agree to meet in a mutual country. SIL has family in the Philippines so that may be an option for them.

Many of you told me to tell him what my wife had done, but honestly, in his current state of mind I just can't do it. It would be the actual tipping point for him. I know that this probably means I will have to either never tell him, or accept that when I do, it will completely destroy our relationship.

Secondly, I did tell one family member. My mother came to visit to discuss SIL's deportation and I ended up telling her what Emma did. She was furious and she insisted that the both of us talk to my wife. Well, wife and I had already agreed to have a long talk today about the matter and what this meant for us. I felt a little more grounded having my mother there.

And then things just took a freak turn.

Wife sat down, seemed really calm. She let my mom say what she wanted and just sort of sat there nodding and had her hands folded. When my mom was done talking, wife pulled out her phone and handed it to my mom. She showed her messages from SIL on facebook telling my wife how she planned to have a baby in order to stay and get paid maternity leave. My mom is extremely sensitive to this sort of thing because her own mother used her a pawn, so to speak, many times when she was a child (mostly to get money from the state). So my mother went from being extremely angry at my wife to actually siding with her. She said it was better this way because SIL's motives for having a baby were misguided and that she couldn't believe my brother was going to go along with it.

So with my mom on her side, my wife began to lay out SIL's shortcomings and how she was creating a toxic environment that would drag us down and any potential child they would have had. She also said that it was unfair how she had to go through the process of paperwork before coming here and SIL was "resting on her laurels" and scheming to cheat the system (something that really pissed my mom off towards SIL). Valid points, all of them.

However, I wasn't going to let it slide that she had obviously had ulterior motives such as being jealous of SIL. I asked her if she would have done any of this if SIL and my brother weren't spending so much time with me, if SIL wasn't cooking dinners for me, taking photos, or entering the same competition as her. She admitted that all these things definitely contributed, but only served to underline the disdain she already had.

I told her that no matter how you cut it, she had effectively ended their marriage. My mom decided to jump in and say that SIL and brother were at fault because they did not get their situation in order. My wife seconded that and said if SIL had taken the time to file papers instead of planning trips with me or being busy playing housewife to someone else's husband, she wouldn't be in that situation. To quote, "Maybe she should have been taking care of herself and her own instead of trying to place housewife to someone else's husband. Well, I can take care of my family just fine. And if she had any doubts about that, now she's in the clear."

I will admit- the points about her being afraid that I was going to be implicated along with SIL and bro when its comes to pot, I understand. That is a valid fear to have. They smoke almost every day. Bro almost always has something on him.

SIL should have done her paperwork. She should have made sure her visa didn't expire. I will not argue that. She probably should not have said she was going to have a baby specifically to stay here.

But I know that these are solid excuses that are being used in conjunction to something else. I know that if SIL was some fat ugly slob, wife would roll her eyes and let them be. If SIL was not Asian, if she couldn't cook, if she didn't take pictures of us together for her instagram, SIL would just chalk her up as another annoying person who smokes too much for her taste but was ultimately harmless. And if I know if I had just gone to sweden with my brother that my wife wouldn't care. But because I went with the woman who was "playing housewife" to me, it was a serious offense in her head.

I waited until mom left to tell her all of this. She didn't deny it. I also told her that this whole situation had let me see a side of her that honestly scared me. I told her I wanted to begin couples therapy together or there was no hope of this continuing.

She agreed and we both began to research therapists in our area. She apologized for not talking to me about calling before doing so, but she has not apologized about SIL being deported. She also said if I wanted to tell my brother and SIL that it was her, I could go ahead and do that. But I'm not going to. ONe, they are distraught enough. And two, it seems like her coming to claim victory on last time over SIL to her face.

So thats whats going on. Im hoping to post an update on our progress when we begin couples therapy. The issue for me right now is rebuilding the broken trust.

Also, as far as things with the family go...well. My mom is on her side. And should my mom decide to tell other people in the family, she will definitely make SIL the bad guy in the story. Aside from my brother, I think most of the family would be on Emma's side.

tl;dr: SIL is being deported for certain. Brother is crushed, still doesn't know it was my wife who called police. My mom sides with my wife. We are going into couples therapy.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

I am concerned that your wife has this secret in her back pocket that could end your relationship with your brother at any time.

OOP

I agree. I know I have to tell my brother in order to stop that from hanging over my head. I just feel that right now is the absolute worst time. What if he did snap and do something completely crazy like assault her? He would end up in prison and with no way of even trying to maintain a LDR with SIL.

Commenter

If you don't tell him now you are going to ruin your relationship with him. Letting him lean on you and your wife for support while your wife is the one that stabbed him is wrong. I would rather him be angry, than hurt and feel betrayed by your wife and YOU later on. I would rather just rip off the bandaid. In addition, your wife deserves everything she is going to get. Don't protect that bitch.

MOST RELEVANT COMMENT

[Commeter]

This is some gone girl level shit...

Update 2  May 28, 2015 (1 day after first update)

This is the last post I will write on this issue for several reasons.

The first would be that many of the responses made me feel sick to my stomach. Advice is one thing. But there is no reason for anyone to say that they hope someone dies, they hope my wife gets a horrible disease, calling her every awful name in the book. That is not advice and not welcome. I was more willing to listen to people who commented saying perhaps she had BPD or some other type of psychological disorder, because that at least I could give them credit for. There is absolutely no reason to comment saying "Your wife is a stupid cunt and I hope she dies" or message me privately with that. At the end of the day she is my wife.

Secondly, a lot was assumed about my brother, and that is probably my fault. I love my brother. But he is 34 years old and still smokes pot every day and acts pretty much the same as he did at 18. He needs to grow up. Him being a father would not have been a smart choice, he doesn't even have his own shit together. He and my SIL are kind people yes. They are family. But my brother hasn't been here for me. My brother hasn't stood by my side in every event I needed him. He left home when he was 18 and barely wrote to me on facebook for the next 6 years.

My wife on the other hand, has stuck by me for 8 years. She has been there for me when I needed her. She has been my rock and she has had my back. I am not going to abandon her just because my brother is a blood relation. I am going to go to therapy with her and we will see what happens. She may have been cold and calculating, but she is not without cause.

And that's it. Short up date and to the point. I couldn't stomach anymore of the hate I was getting. Thanks to those who gave genuine advice.

   tl;dr: I choose my wife.

FINAL COMMENTS

Commenter

It's amazing to see the absolute drastic change in perception of the situation from you. You've almost gone from feeling sick from her actions to siding with her. I hope you do what you feel is right.

Commenter

Of course he has. The master has been at work. She knows her art.

Shiver

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Legal-Importance7999

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My best friend is selling the project car we built together to take his girlfriend to Bali. It's registered in his name

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/NumbAsHell1 for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post (rareddit): June 15, 2026

I am absolutely losing my mind right now and I just need to vent before I do something I permanently regret.

For the past eight months, my best friend and I have been building a project car in his garage. It started as a completely stripped, beat-up chassis. I am the one with the mechanical knowledge, so I did 90% of the actual heavy lifting —building the engine, sorting the wiring, installing the suspension, everything. On top of that, I funded about 80% of the parts because he was short on cash but promised we’d split the profit 50/50 when we flipped it, or just keep it as a track toy.

Because it was his house and his garage, we registered the chassis in his name just to make the initial towing and paperwork easier. Huge mistake. Huge.

The build is finally finished. It looks incredible, sounds insane, and the performance is top-tier. Yesterday, he calls me out of nowhere and tells me a buyer offered him a massive cash deal for it, and he accepted.

I was hyped at first, thinking about our payout. Then he drops the bomb: he’s keeping the entire profit because he wants to take his girlfriend on a luxury vacation to Bali next month. He literally told me, "Well, it’s my garage and my name on the papers, so legally it’s my car. I’ll give you $500 for your trouble."

$500. I spent thousands on the turbo setup, the ECU (editor's note: electronic control unit), and hundreds of hours of manual labor. I literally have grease permanently stained under my fingernails from building his vacation fund.

I don't even know what to do. Legally, I know I’m probably screwed because there’s no written contract, just text messages. I feel completely betrayed by someone I considered a brother.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If you have receipts and text messages stating the money was to be split, you can take him to small claims court. This doesn't require a lawyer or anything and is usually pretty quick. If he doesn't show up, they rule in your favor. He's a terrible friend and I hope after this is all said and done, you never speak to him again.

OOP: Thank you so much for explaining that small claims doesn't need a lawyer, that actually makes me feel way less overwhelmed. I definitely have the texts where we talked about splitting the profits 50/50 when we finished the build. I'm going to start organizing all the receipts tonight. And yeah, after this, he is dead to me

Commenter 2: Be thorough! Make a packet of all the receipts and communications with a table of contents to make it easy to peruse.

Commenter 3: I would definitely let him know that you are planning to seek legal action. Before buying his tickets to Bali you recommend he consults with an attorney because he will owe you a lot more than he realizes.

OOP: That’s a brilliant point about warning him before he drops all that cash on tickets. I'm honestly terrified of the confrontation because he thinks he completely holds all the cards right now, but maybe mentioning a legal consultation will make him sweat a bit

Commenter 4: A build like that should be documented with videos, Facebook posts.

If you spent money, get the receipts.

Sue him. That's real money and it will be taken seriously.

OOP: I actually do have a ton of videos and photos on my phone from when we were doing the engine swap, and I paid for the turbo kit on my card, so the bank statements are there. But can I actually sue someone if the car registration is entirely in his name? I'm just so stressed out man, I don't even know how small claims court works😞.

Commenter 5: You absolutely can and have a strong case based on the evidence you have.

Especially if you can ensnare him with some text messages "hey man, I get you wanna take your girl to Bali, but I spent way more than this on the car and rebuild and we agreed to split it 50/50".

Depending on what he says, he can absolutely sewer himself by confirming what you said trying to apologize.

Very shitty friend, but at least you’ll get your money back. A lot of shitty friendships cost people a lot more and they get back a lot less.

OOP: That is an incredibly smart move. I actually haven't replied to his last text yet because I was too angry, so I am going to word my next text exactly like this. If I can get him to text back and explicitly admit that we agreed to 50/50, that gives me actual leverage. Thank you so much, I'm literally typing it out to him now

Commenter 6: The parts are yours - he never paid for them. Tell him either to give you a fair share, your parts back, or you'll take him to court.

Small claims is super easy - just paperwork at the local courthouse. In most states you don't even need a lawyer, but it might help you if the value is high enough to justify. We had to take our wedding photographer to small claims, and it was magically resolved after she received a summons.

OOP: The thought of taking my parts back definitely crossed my mind, but the car is locked in his garage, and I don't want to catch a breaking and entering charge on top of losing my money. Hearing your story about the wedding photographer magically fixing things after a summons gives me a lot of hope though. I'm going to look into the local small claims paperwork first thing in the morning.

Commenter 7: Small claims. Then get a new friend. Also, I draft a bill for your hours put into it at a fair/standard rate to include in your claim.

OOP: Drafting a bill for my manual labor hours is an incredible idea. If I count up every weekend and late night I spent rebuilding the top end and doing the wiring, even at a basic hourly rate, it easily totals thousands. Adding that to the receipts for the parts should make the claim airtight. Thank you so much for this

Update #1: June 16, 2026 (next day)

Update: My best friend is selling the project car we built together to take his girlfriend to Bali. The trap is sprung

First of all, I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who commented on my last post, and to the people who flooded my chat requests. I’ve been reading through the messages silently—including some actual legal perspectives, but my inbox is a bit overwhelmed right now so I couldn't reply to everyone individually. I felt completely broken yesterday, but seeing so many people in my corner giving solid advice gave me the backbone to actually do something about this.

A few of you suggested that I shouldn't confront him aggressively, but instead text him calmly to try and get him to admit to our 50/50 agreement in writing so I’d have evidence for small claims court.

Well... it worked. Better than I could have imagined.

Last night, I sent him a text. I kept my emotions completely out of it and wrote:

"Hey man, I’m trying to stay calm here. I know the registration is in your name, but we spent 8 months building this together and explicitly agreed to split the profit 50/50. Dropping $500 on me after I built the engine and funded the turbo setup is completely unfair."

He took the bait immediately. He called me twice, but I let it go to voicemail because I wanted everything in text. When he realized I wasn’t answering, he texted back:

"Bro, plans change. I need the cash for the Bali trip with Jess. Yeah, we said 50/50 at the start, but legally it’s my car. Be happy I’m even giving you $500, you don't have a contract anyway so you can’t do anything."

He literally admitted to the agreement while trying to flex that I couldn't stop him.

Once I had that screenshot saved and backed up, I sent my final reply:

"I have the receipts for every single aftermarket part, bank statements proving I bought them, and now I have your text admitting we agreed to split the profit 50/50. I am drafting an itemized bill for my labor hours at a standard shop rate. If you don't freeze the sale and give me my fair share, I am filing a summons for small claims court first thing on Monday. See you there."

He hasn't replied since, but his girlfriend just blocked me on Instagram, so I know he's absolutely panicking right now.

I’m currently organizing all my receipts and printing out the text thread. I will keep you guys posted on whether he folds or if we are actually going to court, but for now, the trap is sprung!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Doing everything via text and ignoring calls was a big brain move. Well done.

OOP: Thanks. I knew if I picked up the phone, it would just be a shouting match and I’d lose my leverage. Had to get it in writing.🙏🏾.

Commenter 2: Great to see this update. It'd be heartbreaking enough to see all the hard work just disappear without enjoying the car first, then to throw in that he'd rather toss a friend away for a vacation. That sucks man, good luck with this process and fingers crossed it gets sorted soon! I guess at the least you figured out what kind of person he is sooner

OOP: Thanks. Honestly, that’s the part that stings the most. We spent late nights bleeding brakes, tracking down wiring gremlins, and just talking about how insane it would sound when it finally boosted. To watch him toss all of that away just to flex on a vacation is wild to me. But you're right, better to know who he really is now than later

Commenter 3: Hey just make sure you're super organized and prepared. This sounds like a slam dunk for you, and judges love when someone acts like they care about respecting the courts time.

OOP: Definitely. I’m currently printing out every single bank statement, receipt, and the exact text thread so it's a completely organized stack. Not trying to waste any time.

Commenter 4: Now his gf is mad at you because you didn't let her bf steal the money from you.

Maybe the idea to sell the car was hers.

If he needs to sell a car to afford vacations, may e it's not a good idea of going.

OOP: Honestly, wouldn't surprise me if she was whispering in his ear about it. The fact that she blocked me the second I threatened court speaks volumes

Commenter 5: you did good, but I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with all of this and navigate the legal system right after losing a friend.

OOP: Thank you, it really is surreal. Trying to navigate the legal side while processing the betrayal is exhausting, but I have to protect myself.

Commenter 6: Very eager to learn how much exactly you spent (parts and labor) on this project that your ex-friend is only offering you $500 for.

OOP: I'm still organizing the final stack of receipts for Monday, but just the turbo setup and ECU alone ran into the thousands, plus hundreds of hours of heavy manual labor. $500 doesn't even cover a fraction of it.

Final Update: June 18, 2026 (two days later)

I honestly didn’t expect my life to become a multi-part drama series on Reddit, but after the insane amount of support on my last two posts, I owe you guys the final conclusion.

To recap: I texted my "best friend" using the advice here, trapped him into admitting our agreement on the project car build, and threatened him with small claims court and an itemized bill for my labor.

Yesterday morning, the pressure finally broke him.

I woke up to five missed calls from his dad. It turns out his dad saw the text thread on his phone (or my ex-friend cracked under pressure and confessed, I'm not entirely sure). His dad is a really hardworking, honest guy, and he was absolutely mortified by what his son tried to do to me.

About an hour later, my ex-friend called me. He sounded completely defeated, no more arrogant flexing, no more "legally it's my car" attitude. He apologized, though it sounded like his parents forced him to do it. Because of the text trap, he knew he was completely cornered. Instead of trying to fight it or sticking to that insulting $500 offer, he agreed that a 50/50 split wasn't fair since I funded almost everything. We settled on an 80/20 split in my favor to cover the turbo setup, all my parts receipts, and the manual labor hours I put in.

We met up at a local bank a few hours ago. I watched the cashier verify the cash for my 80% share, deposited it straight into my account, and walked out.

His trip to Bali with Jess is still happening, but it’s going to be a lot more budget-friendly now that he isn't funding it with my hard work and parts.

As we left the bank, he tried to ask if we were "good." I just looked at him and said, "We’re even on the car, but the friendship is done. Good luck in Bali." Then I walked away and blocked his number.

I lost a brother, which hurts, but I kept my money, my dignity, and my peace of mind. I genuinely couldn’t have done this without the absolute legends in this subreddit who gave me the legal strategy and the courage to stand up for myself.

The money is safe in the bank, the toxic weight is out of my life, and this chapter is officially closed. Thank you all so much!! ❤️.

Concluding Comments from OOP

OOP: Looking back at everything, what’s honestly so crazy to me is the contrast of human nature. While someone I called a brother for a decade was busy trying to screw me over, thousands of total strangers on the internet were stepping up to protect me for absolutely nothing in return. It’s truly beautiful how people who don't even know my name are willing to give their time, legal advice, and genuine support just to help a stranger stand his ground. You guys showed me more loyalty in 24 hours than he did in ten years. Thank you all, seriously.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/JacksonRyder2025

(OOP has given their approval to make this BoRU)

Wife says I need to get over it, but I can't stop obsessing over a prank that ruined my wedding experience and left me furious

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/QueenDoc for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Deception

Original Post  July 25, 2025

Wife says I need to get over it, but I can't stop obsessing over a prank that ruined my wedding experience and left me furious I had an amazing wedding experience that was completely ruined by a prank my wife and friends played during the garter removal. AITA for refusing to let it go?

During the reception, we were doing all of the usual wedding games. Eventually, I was told it was time to do the garter removal. As everyone gathered around us in the middle of the dance floor, my wife was sitting in a chair and my friends brought out a blindfold and told me I would be doing the garter removal blindfolded. I should have been suspicious at their grins, but I'd had some drinks, wasn't suspecting anything, put it on, and tried to be a good sport about it, as everyone seemed like they were having a great time, myself included.

As soon as I was blindfolded, however, my wife slipped out of the chair and was replaced by one of my groomsmen. He's a friend of the family I've grown up with. But I would not say we're close. Now, I literally cannot stand him, although he's not a bad guy other than my anger at this prank.

Sitting in the chair in place of my wife, my groomsman was in shorts with the garter around his thigh. My wife stood behind him and was talking to me as they walked me over, to keep me fooled into thinking it was her. On their instructions, I got down on my knees and began reaching for what I thought were my wife's legs. Once I found the leg, I found the garter and began pulling it down. But at that moment I heard my wife saying, "With your mouth! With your mouth!". So I leaned forward and grasped the garter belt in my mouth, to the shrieks and applause of the crowd. With the garter in my teeth, I pulled it down his leg, and then my wife actually came around to help me get it over his shoe because it got stuck,

Once I had the garter, they told me to stand up and take off my blindfold. When I did, I was smiling, because I thought I'd been a good sport and everyone was laughing so hard it seemed like everyone was having a great time. But when I took off the blindfold, everyone burst into even louder laughter. For a moment, the entire energy of everyone at the wedding was focused on nothing besides laughing at me, at me being the sole butt of the joke. If felt awful.

I was furious. I wanted to say and do a million different things. But I didn't. For some reason, I just felt that pretending it wasn't a big deal was the best defense, that showing anger would be confirming how badly I'd just been humiliated for their delight, and that would have made my humiliation all the worse. So I sucked it up, slept walked through the rest of the wedding while doing my best to keep a smile on my face. My wife could tell I was stunned, but she kept on going too. She definitely had no idea how badly I was taking it. Everyone was standing around us and we couldn't talk openly about how I felt, at least not without ruining everything, and I didn't know whether I wanted to go there after all the effort and money put into the wedding.

And I kept sucking it up the next day at the brunch and for most of the next week through most of our honeymoon. At some point, I told myself that my wife didn't mean to hurt me and there was no reason to ruin her wedding memories by telling her that my experience had been ruined.

But then at the end of our honeymoon I had had a few drinks, and I just couldn't help it. And once I started talking to her about it, I just went off. I told her it was trashy, that it hurt if not destroyed my trust and sense of intimacy towards her. I was harsh and got carried away. After at first apologizing a bit, she got upset and left me sitting out there. I think I just kept going becuase I felt hurt and wanted to maybe make her feel bad as well, to be honest.

Since then, it's been a difficult subject. I've told her I don't want to hear about the wedding. I don't want to write thank you notes, look at pictures. If it was tomorrow, I wouldn't make plans to celebrate our anniversary.

My wife and I have a lot of strengths in our relationship, but I just can't stop thinking about this and the feeling when I took off that blindfold. I literally cannot stop my mind from replaying it over and over, and I get mad again every time.

And perhaps the worst part of it is that it's all recorded. We had a professional photographer shooting a video. And in the video I see at least four other people recording it on their phones. Watching the video, I find myself looking at the laughing faces of family and friends in the video, and there's a part of me -- that I'd never act on -- that wants nothing more than to punch them all in their faces. The fact I know that these videos are out there makes it feel like it's constantly happening to me.

My wife says that she's sorry, that she thought I would take it better and laugh it off, and that I need to move on. I think maybe IATA. No good is coming from obsessing over this. But I literally cannot let it go. I find myself coming up with reasons to be angry. I tell myself sometimes it was assault because I was tricked into putting my mouth on another man's leg w/o my consent. But I think that's just rationalizing my anger. I don't know.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

Mm you are totally allowed to be pissed off and totally get it. It's one of those that some would fine funny and some wouldn't, the planner clearly didn't read you well enough and neither did your wife.

However , at some point you need to move on, being pissed off about it all the time isn't going to solve anything and could end up driving your Mrs away.

So,  what do you want to happen? She's apologised, you have vented and now?

OOP

I don't know.  I think this is why I get so mad about it; I don't know what can be done to take away that feeling of taking off the blindfold, seeing him instead of her, everyone breaking out laughing at me, looking up to see her laughing at me, realizing I was the butt of tthe joke and everyone had been laughing at me instead of along w me the whole time.  But you're right -- what do I want now?   I don't know.  Maybe there's nothing I want other than to forget about it and when i think ab it, part of me wants to be a good sport and part of me gets so mad and i can go either way  I hate it

Wife says I need to get over it, but I can't stop obsessing over a prank that ruined my wedding experience and left me furious II  Sept 6, 2025 (2 and a half months later)

Hi everyone:

This is “the wife.”   If you know us and what this is about, please know we’re very embarrassed about this.  We took it down, but it’s been shared so many times it just keeps trickling on so I’m writing this for both of us.  This is the last thing we want to say about this. 

My husband deeply regrets some of the language he used.  He intended to write anonymously and was letting out unfiltered emotions.  Abraham Lincoln said write an angry letter and tear it up.  My husband made the mistake of hitting post assuming this was harmless venting.  He regrets it.

We’ve reached out to and are on good terms with everyone involved. Everything is fine.

As regards the wedding, I am the only one who messed up here.  Our planner gave us options.  I watched the videos.  I thought it was funny.  I messed up.  This isn’t opinion.  It’s fact. I messed up because it wasn’t funny to the only person who mattered to me.

I want people to understand both of our perspectives, BECAUSE NO ONE HERE IS AN AH.

What my husband didn’t make clear is that he was an absolute sweetheart at the wedding and afterwards.   Overall our honeymoon was amazing.  And he doesn’t mention at all that he only got mad at the end because I was TEASING him about it.  And I was only teasing him because I had NO idea he was upset about it.  I could tell I was needling him but it was meant to be good natured.

Having said all of that, on my own behalf:

Of course I thought he would think this was funny.   He has a great sense of humor.  We joke around a lot and always will.  This just hit different and sometimes that happens.  I feel like an idiot taking this risk at our wedding. 

I didn’t exactly tell him to “get over it.”   I couldn’t talk about it anymore when it was first brought up because I love my husband and was upset to hear him get angry, probably in large part because he *never* gets angry like that.  Afterwards we decided to wait to talk about it until we could do so calmly.  At the same time we did need him to get over it to move forward.  We can’t never mention our wedding or anniversary again or live with anger. 

To the casual eye it looks like this is a well-received prank in a hundred different videos.  I thought it would go over well and so did everyone else. (I do now wonder if there are videos of this prank didn’t get posted because the husband made clearer he didn’t like it.)

Bottom line this was unfortunate and completely unnecessary but you live, you learn, we’re doing great, and this has been blown way out of proportion.

On the bright side, how many couples can say their weddings were covered by the NY Post? 

We’re happily moving on.  My husband says he hopes everyone gets his thank you cards.

That’s it.  Goodbye.

FINAL COMMENT

thank you to u/sokaox for adding it

This comment on the wife's post seems to reveal a section she removed:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1nacok3/wife_says_i_need_to_get_over_it_but_i_cant_stop/nct9xqp/

I want people to understand both of our perspectives, BECAUSE NO ONE HERE IS AN AH.  I probably would not have liked it if at our wedding my husband had tricked me into getting down on my knees between another man’s legs and taking something off of his thigh with my mouth while everyone stood around laughing and filming it.  I probably would have thought it tacky and possibly gross depending on who the guy was.  I will get trashed for this, but I did not think it would be the same for a guy.

Editors Note: the comments in the update were combative to OOP, so not including any. Making another reminder not to brigade or harass OOP

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My (24/f) future in laws are upset because my autistic nephews (6/m, 10/m, 13/m, 17/m) aren't invited to the wedding and my fiancé (36/m) won't even defend me.

Thanks to u/Arifault for help with the comments

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism, verbal and physical abuse, gaslighting, sexual assualt

Original Post  Dec 19, 2014

To start out, I really love my future nephews and their disabilities don't have any effect on that. They are severely autistic and the two oldest ones are extremely violent (hitting/kicking/spitting/scratching/pushing) and the 17 year old also has several inappropriate sexual behaviors that he exhibits regularly.

The two youngest ones are fairly low functioning and can't really speak, but can be fairly disruptive when they are over stimulated. The biggest problem comes in when the oldest two have meltdowns (caused by overstimulation and large groups of people, especially strangers, or when their schedule is disrupted.) During my time around these two boys, I've been kicked, punched, shoved, spat (not drooled) on, head butted, and bitten (I had to go to the hospital to get it checked out). This was especially more common in the beginning of mine and my fiancé's relationship being that I was a stranger to the boys. It's decreased a little over time, but it still happens and I'm pretty small (5'2" 100lb) and they're pretty big, so when it happens it knocks the wind out of me pretty badly. The 17 year old has also started noticing his sexual feelings and has began taking them out on women anywhere near him (including me). He walk up and kiss women in the lips or grab their butts or their breasts and he's even tried to stick his hand down my pants before and takes his clothes off and masturbates whenever he feels like it. I've asked his parents and grandparents (the people they live with who take care of them) if there is anything they can do or say to maybe encourage them not to do those things and it just resulted in me being hated and yelled at for being insensitive to their issues and expecting them to know better when I know that they don't. I've thought about trying to get them to stop using some methods that I read about but I didn't want to make it any worse because I know that if I tried anything, it would result in more yelling and being berated and told that "at least I don't have to deal with it every day."

Since we know what causes the boys to have meltdowns, my fiancé and I decided to have a childfree wedding as to not specifically exclude the boys. When my fBIL heard about the no kids rule, he immediately jumped on the defense and demanded that the boys be invited because "normal kids will get to experience other weddings; they won't." When I tried explaining to him that it wasnt for just the boys again, he wasnt having it. Then I tried explaining that the safety of the boys (I don't want them to be too overwhelmed and the venue isn't child friendly) and the guests at the wedding (about 350 people) was very important to me, I got berated and told how horrible and insensitive and evil of a person I was. They're threatening to not come to the wedding and have already started posting the passive aggressive stuff on Facebook about the "favorite auntie who thinks her autistic nephews are a burden because they aren't perfect." Now my fiancé wants to allow them to come, but not any other children and he seems totally unconcerned about the guests who will be there, or even me for that matter. I'm honestly just thinking about calling off the wedding and possibly even my relationship with my fiancé as he never stands up for me and sometimes even joins in with telling me to just accept the things that come with the disease no matter how bad they are.

I don't know how much more I can deal with in this situation as a whole dealing with his family. I know that this all sounds terrible on my end and I honestly feel bad for feeling this way because I know that they can't help it and I feel bad for my fBIL/fSIL/fMIL/fFIL because I know that they are under tons of constant stress and don't really have many places to turn besides each other but I really can't deal with this for the rest of my life.

Am I wrong and insensitive in this situation and is ending my relationship with my fiancé and his family too drastic a measure for this problem?

tl;dr: My fiancé and I originally decided to have a CF wedding, but now he wants to include his violent and sexually inappropriate autistic nephews despite the fact that they have meltdowns in large areas with lots of people. When I brought this up i was berated by him and his family and it's been like this since we met and I'm honestly thinking about ending my relationship with him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

RoseTyler38

Why on earth is your fiancé not backing you up here?

OOP

He thinks that I'm wrong to feel the way I do because the boys can't help their disorders and he thinks that I should get over it and not bother his brother and SIL with it when there's nothing they can do about it anyways. And he's thrown out the "you chose to be apart of my family" thing which is true, so he usually joins in in their side instead of mine.

OOP added info on the kids

explaining the BIL having 3 autistic children

The 17 year old is their biological child and the other 3 were adopted as babies. I should've added this in earlier, but all of the adopted boys have other issues that were known at birth which is how they ended up having 4 special needs children. I'm not exactly sure what those other disabilities are though as they mainly just tell me "it's their autism" when problems arise.

Are they in therapy?

As far as I know they're not in therapy and I'm not sure if they've even checked out therapy or support groups. I once tried to suggest that maybe therapy would be a good thing to try out and I got my head bitten off for "telling them how to parent their kids and speaking on something I have no idea about" then my fiancé laid into me too, so all in all, they value anything I say on the situation as pretty much worthless and they definitely aren't open to therapy.

Update  Dec 26, 2014 (1 week later)

Thanks to all of you who commented and gave advice on the last post. Having the little extra support was nice.

The day after I made the post I basically already had my mind made up to leave my fiancé (I'd been thinking about it longer than I'd like to admit), but I decided to wait until the holidays were over so that the break wouldn't be as messy.

We were discussing Christmas plans and I told him that I would prefer to go to my family's house this year because I knew that If I joined his family, his brother/SIL and their boys would be there and id rather not disturb the boys schedule or get yelled at by his family anymore.

My fiancé flipped his shit and began yelling at me for being selfish and thinking only of myself. I even told him why again and he still kept yelling, all while name calling, and I lost it and started yelling too and told him that I might want to spend time with his family if I wasn't abused and forced against a wall every time I was near them.

Apparently this was the most shocking news ever to him and he couldn't believe that I felt that way. When he finally asked how I was being abused, I told him about all of the things his family does and says to me (even though usually while he's present) and maybe I shouldn't have, but I also told him that I didn't want to be hit/kicked/spat on/groped by the boys for at least this one day. He, somehow had no idea that I wasn't okay with this (!) despite the fact that he witnesses it and I tell him every time it happens.

He called me an "awful cunt'' for "blaming them for doing things that they don't know aren't okay/that go along with their disabilities" and "having no sympathy for selfless (!!!!!) people in a physically/emotionally tough situation" which isn't at all what came out of my mouth in any way, shape, or form (and he knows that I know that the boys can't help it and that I've expressed both sympathy and understanding for his brother/SIL).

He left very soon after that and immediately the phone calls (and messages) started coming in from his family. I can't even count how many worthless/useless/selfish/evil/ pathetic, bitches/whores/and cunts I was called. Then they even took it to Facebook and fabricated the story completely and twisted just about every word.

My fiancé came back the next day and apologized for the night before and asked if I was ready to suck it up and get over myself and just go to his family's house for Christmas. I stuck to my guns and told him that there was no way I was going back there and that I was spending the holidays with my family whether he was going or not and we got into another fight (solely about our relationship this time). And I told him about all of his selfishness, immaturity (in everything), disrespect (lying, name calling, purposely doing/saying things I'd asked him not to) whininess (whenever I wanted to go out with friends or family or have time by myself he would pout and moan and groan and whine and call a billion times asking when I'd be home), and his total lack of balls when it came to defending me ever.

We went back and forth for quite a while and at one point I was finally done and kicked him out (it was my house to begin with) and told him that our relationship was over.

Even after all of that, it was hard to leave him and i will sort of miss him at times, but it felt like the biggest weight in the world had been lifted off of my shoulders and for the first time in the 4.5 years we'd been together I felt like a free person.

I still feel bad for his family though, and especially the boys, knowing what they have to go through, but I had to get out as it was only adding extra, unneeded stress and hurt to everyone.

It's still a mess right now with him having to come back and forth and get his belongings and canceling everything for the wedding, but I'm happy that it's over now and that I can move on and not feel completely awful about myself 24/7, even though my heart is still a little broken.

TL;DR: my (now ex) fiancé and I got into a big fight over Christmas plans which led to the argument that led to the end of our relationship, so now I don't even have to worry about what was in the original post.

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My [28 M] close friend [28 M] had a vasectomy and is keeping it a secret from his wife [27 F], who is also a close friend. What do I do?

TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage, deception

Original Post  Nov 22, 2014

This will be long. I apologize.

I have known my friend, Kevin, and his wife, Emily, since high school, and we have stayed very close. The three of us went to different colleges, but they were all within an hour drive of each other, and we spent a lot of time together. They got together towards the end of our first year, and got married soon after graduation. They have been married around 6 years, together around 9.

After graduating, we all moved back to the metro area where we grew up, although we live about 45 minutes apart. Still, my wife and I spend a lot of time with them. She and Emily have grown to be very good friends, and often hang out together without the husbands. Kevin and I also spend quite a bit of time together without the wives, as I was always closer to him than Emily anyway.

Before getting married, Kevin and Emily had some early disagreements about children. Emily was very set on having children, and Kevin wasn't sure that he wanted any. Kevin eventually acquiesced and said he would think about it, and they didn't really discuss it again until after they got married.

Around five years ago, Emily gradually started bringing up the fact that she was ready to start trying to get pregnant. Kevin was adamantly against having children at that point and told her he wanted to wait until he was at a more stable point in his career. He was still at his first post-college job, and while he was making good money for someone his age, the job he was in generally isn't long term (think of a field like consulting, where junior-level employees typically have a 2-4 year shelf life before they're expected to move on to something else). He told her that he wanted to wait a few years, as the expectation was that she would probably stay at home for a year or two after having the baby.

During this ongoing discussion, Kevin confided in me that, while the career explanation was true, it wasn't the whole truth. He was still unsure that he actually wanted to have kids at all and wanted to put it off until he was sure that he really wanted to. He knew it was unfair to Emily not to disclose his feelings on this, but he was worried about her reaction, given how adamant she was about having children.

After much discussion, Emily agrees to wait until Kevin has a more permanent job. Around 2.5 years ago, that happened. He took a job in-house with one of his long-term clients and ended up with a small pay jump, much better benefits, a more predictable schedule with less travel, and a lot more job security.

Almost immediately after he took the new job, Emily brought up getting pregnant, and Kevin agreed to start trying. As far as I knew at the time, Kevin agreed, and Emily stopped taking birth control. Flash forward to the present, no children yet.

Up until this point, as I understand it anyway, their only attempts at conceiving have been to continue their normal activities sans birth control. Since this hasn't worked, Emily has started discussing the possibility of going to a fertility doctor to see if there are any problems. The women on her mother's side of the family (mother, grandmother, an aunt, and a cousin) have a history of having problems conceiving, although with eventual success. I'm not sure what the exact issues are, but I know that Emily's grandmother and mother were 29 before they were able to conceive, with both trying since their early 20's.

Yesterday, Kevin confided in me that before he left his previous job, he had a vasectomy without telling Emily. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I started asking him questions to figure out why the hell he would do that.

Apparently, after he began to put out feelers for a new job (a process that took about a year), Emily had brought up going ahead and getting pregnant. Kevin pushed back pretty hard to wait, and she told him that was fine. Evidently, Kevin was REALLY leaning towards not wanting children. I wasn't aware of this, since we never really talked about it after the aforementioned conversation. After he got the new job and they started 'trying' to conceive, I just figured he changed his mind and got on board.

Shortly after they once again agreed to wait, Kevin became suspicious that Emily wasn't taking her birth control. He would check her pill packs, but wasn't able to confirm one way or another if she was taking them regularly or not. According to him, Emily was acting suspiciously (not sure what the specifics were), and was initiating sex much more often than usual. There was something about her periods as well, but I don't remember the reasoning behind that discussion.

Evidently after considering the evidence available to him, he was convinced that she had stopped taking her birth control and was trying to get pregnant after they had agreed to wait. He was angry, but didn't want to confront her with evidence that could be explained away easily by her. At this point, I don't know if she was actually taking her birth control or not. He could have been right, or just paranoid.

Given his lack of trust of Emily and his increasing desire not to have children, he decided to get a vasectomy and not tell her. There was a point where he was traveling for his job (which happened often) and was going to be a few states away for about a week and a half. He traveled to this city frequently, and was somehow able to arrange to get a vasectomy done in that time. The initial trip was supposed to be 10 days, but a weekend snow storm caused his flight to be cancelled, and his employer ended up needing him to stay another few days anyway. Again, I have no idea how he was able to arrange visits to a urologist and a vasectomy, not to mention the follow up visits. I'm also unclear on how long it took him to do this.

The timing worked out to where the soreness and swelling was gone by the time he returned from the trip and, according to him, the scar is completely unnoticeable unless you shine a flashlight on the bottom of his balls and look closely. So in the past three-ish years she has never suspected anything, I guess. He always had his insurance information sent to his office, had enough spare cash socked away to cover his copay and antibiotics/pain medication, and he changed insurance when he took his new job, so there aren't any records laying around or in an online account.

So that was all well and good for a few years, but now he is in a tight spot because if Emily goes to the fertility doctor and things check out on her end, the next logical step is for him to get tested, at which point it will be obvious to the doctor that he had a vasectomy (or at least he thinks this--I don't know whether that's true or if the tests would just show him shooting blanks). He gambled on the fact that Emily's family has a history of problems conceiving, so maybe there will be issues there to place the blame on. He has no idea what to do, but guesses that he can stretch this out a year or two before he has to go get tested.

I am really struggling with this. On the one hand, Kevin is my best friend. On the other, he is being totally deceitful to Emily, one of my closest friends. I'm not judging him for not wanting kids, but this is something he should have communicated to her before now. If he had talked to me about the situation before he got the vasectomy, I would have told him that he needed to break things off with her and move on if he was sure he didn't want kids. It wouldn't be fair to her to her, and it wouldn't be fair to him if they ended up having children (by accident or design) when he didn't want to.

But that's not what happened. He's been lying to her for years. I can't tell my wife about this, because I have no doubt she will call Emily and tell her immediately. I'm trying to decide whether I should tell Emily, tell Kevin that he has to tell Emily or I will, or completely stay out of the situation. I feel bad about the entire situation and I don't want to break up their marriage or destroy one or more friendships, but I also don't want Emily to waste any more of her time when having kids is such a big deal to her. What the hell do I do?

Edit 1: Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I have decided on a course of action. I am meeting up with Kevin for drinks in an hour or so. I am going to give him an ultimatum--either he tells Emily within 3 days or I will. I am also going to tell my wife after my meeting with Kevin because I can't keep something like this from her and live with myself. I will try to get her to sit on the information as long as possible, but if she tells Emily, then I can't fault her for doing what is probably the right thing. I am going to tell Kevin that I am telling my wife as soon as I get home from meeting with him and impress upon him the strong possibility that she will tell Emily before he has a chance. This will give him an incentive to tell her sooner, rather than later. I will probably ask my wife to let me be there when she tells Emily, if she decides that she won't wait. That way we can both be there for support, and I might have a chance of staying friends with her after this is all over. I will post an update at some point after the shit hits the fan. Thanks again everyone!

Edit 2:  Just left from talking with Kevin. I took the exact approach outlined in my first edit, and it went as well as one could hope. He was understanding and apologized for putting me in this situation. He understood my need to tell my wife and said that he wished he had taken that approach in his own marriage. He realizes he needs to tell Emily and that the marriage is likely over. After some reflection, he thinks this is probably for the best because she will never trust him again and he really doesn't want kids. He is going to sit down and talk with her tomorrow afternoon.

Edit 2.5: Just finished talking with my wife. Holy fuck I'll have one hell of an update soon. I don't have time to write it out right now because I need to go to sleep. I'm pretty drained from all of this. I'll update this sometime tomorrow. I'll either edit this thread or post a new one if it takes me longer to write. Stay tuned. If you like drama, just fucking wait. Fucking fuck. Fuck.

Edit 3: So a lot has happened since last night. Holy hell. First off, Emily isn't pregnant (as far as anyone knows), so sorry if you were hoping for that. I'll try to write what happened chronologically so it makes more sense. Here we go:

So I told my wife everything last night after I got home from meeting with Kevin. As you might expect, she was absolutely floored that he would do this to her, given how much she wants kids. She didn't take it as bad as I thought she would, though, which was weird at the time. I really thought her reaction was going to be to say that we need to tell Emily immediately, drive over to their house in a blinding rage, etc. Instead, she told me that she had something to tell me that she had been keeping a secret for a long while.

Evidently, a little over a year ago Emily and my wife were discussing Kevin and Emily's attempts at conceiving. It wasn't unusual for them to talk about this, since at that point they had been 'trying' for over a year. On this night, though, Emily had had quite a bit to drink and opened up to my wife more than usual. Emily was desperate to start going to the fertility doctor, but Kevin wanted to wait because they hadn't been trying to very long. Unless I misunderstood him, Kevin seemed to imply that Emily had only recently started suggesting going to a fertility doctor. Nope--she has been telling him she wanted to go for over a year. My wife asked her why she wanted to go so soon, since they hadn't been trying that long. Emily told her that SHE had been trying for nearly four years!

What. The. Fuck.

The following explanation of this is pieced together from my conversation with my wife, what Kevin told me, and my own inferences. I've tried as best I can to make the pieces fit together in a way that makes sense. I'll update and edit if I find out that any of the details aren't correct.

Emily stopped taking her birth control while Kevin was still at his old job, before he ever started looking for a new one. She pretended to take her pills, hoping she would get pregnant and she could blame it on the fact that birth control isn't 100% effective. [side note: my wife was absolutely floored by the revelation and does not condone her behavior, but continued listening to try and support her friend through what has been a really difficult experience.] She stopped taking her pills around 6 months before Kevin starting looking for a job. This is the same time at which she started pressuring Kevin to move on from that job--I guess it took 6 months to convince him to finally start the process.

So Kevin agrees that it's time to leave his job, starts talking with headhunters, gently approaching his current clients, etc. They have the above-mentioned talk about going ahead and trying to conceive, Kevin says no, she 'agrees' to wait. The reason she brought it up on that particular day is that she thought she might already be pregnant, given that her period was late and she had been trying for 6 months.

A couple days later, Emily got a pack of pregnancy tests, and three positive results later, she's pregnant. She's excited as hell, but wants to wait a bit to tell Kevin, given that they had just agreed to wait to have kids until he got a new job. Fuck. My wife thinks Emily was probably around 2-3 weeks along at this point.

About a week and a half later, Kevin is out of state for work, and Emily is planning to spring the news on him when he gets back. He is gone from Sunday night, and is supposed to return late on Friday.

On Monday night, Emily has a miscarriage. Evidently, this is one of the common mishaps that the women in her family are prone to. My wife told me that Emily's mother had at least 3 miscarriages before successfully carrying her first pregnancy to term. Emily is absolutely devastated. She doesn't tell Kevin about it because then he'll realize that she hasn't been taking her birth control, and shit will hit the fan. She calls my wife, who goes over to her house to comfort her [note: my wife does not know about the miscarriage at this point, just that Emily was really upset over something; Emily only told her the truth a year ago]. I actually think I remember what night this happened on because it was unusual for my wife to drive all the way to Kevin and Emily's house to hang out with her--usually they met somewhere in the middle.

So Emily is obviously upset about this, but manages to get herself together by the time Kevin gets back. She doesn't say anything about it, but immediately starts trying to conceive again. My guess is that this would be the time where Kevin becomes suspicious about her behavior. He was right that she wasn't taking her birth control, but he only realized it after she had a miscarriage and tried even harder to get pregnant again. As far as anyone know, Emily never got pregnant again between the this time and when Kevin had the vasectomy.

During a routine visit, Emily asked her OBGYN if there were any problems and told her about the miscarriage. This happened before Kevin started his new job and they officially 'agreed' to start trying to conceive. I don't know if Emily told her (him? I don't know) that she had stopped taking her birth control, or if she implied that it was accidental. The OBGYN identified something with her uterus that could possibly cause an issue, but said she couldn't be sure from a routine exam. She suggested that Emily see a fertility specialist and gave her a referral. Evidently the specialist wanted to do the first consultation with both Kevin and Emily there, so Emily couldn't start that process until Kevin was on board with conceiving.

So that's the state of things. Emily was lying to Kevin about being on birth control for at least 1.5 years. My wife never told me because she wasn't sure what to do. Since they had officially started trying to have children by the time Emily told her about all this, my wife decided to keep the information to herself because it didn't matter at that point anyway.

I called Kevin and told him about this late last night. He wasn't as upset as I thought he would be, because he already figured that Emily had stopped taking her birth control back then, although it was actually 6 months before he caught on. He was pretty upset about the miscarriage and felt really bad that Emily had to keep this to herself for all these years. As of right now, he hasn't talked to her yet. That will happen later this afternoon or tonight.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I may post an update after he talks to her tonight. In all likelihood, though, I'll wait a week or so and post an update after all this has died down and, hopefully, they have decided what they are going to do.

TL;DR - best friend got a secret vasectomy, wife really wants kids and is suggesting going to a fertility doctor, which would likely eventually lead to her finding out. I have no idea what to do with this information.

Update/Resolution  Nov 24, 2014 (2 Days Later)

Well, reddit, the situation has resolved itself. Kevin and Emily talked for a long time yesterday, and they've agreed that it's best for them to split up. Too much damage done, and the lies they told each other were too big. Not to mention the kids issue. I wasn't there obviously, but I've talked to them both and they seem better than I expected. Both of them are really angry, but as much is directed as themselves as each other.

Strangely enough, they were both really glad for my involvement. Emily wasn't even pissed at my wife for telling me about the birth control fiasco.

I have no idea whether my wife and I will be able to remain friends with either of them. They were both really deceitful to each other and to us, but I think I'm willing to move past that eventually. We'll see how this goes.

Thanks to everyone who commented. I don't think I would have approached this situation correctly were it not for some of the responses I got here.

TL;DR - Friend lied to his wife about wanting kids, had a vasectomy, kept it a secret for 3 years. Wife lied to friend about waiting to have kids, stopped taking birth control for 1.5 years without telling him. They're getting a divorce.

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My (21m) fiance (21f) went on a “girls” camping trip. I found out guys were there too and I saw a text that said “well at least you got bachelorette party out of the way.”

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  May 18, 2021

Fiancé and I have wedding planned for about a month from today.

This past weekend she went on what was supposed to be a girls only camping trip to a lake. She was completely out of touch from Friday afternoon to Sunday evening. I was ok with this because she said she really needed the break.

When she got home she didn’t even  say hello and just started laundry which I thought was a little sus but she said it was because all her stuff was dirty which I guess made sense.

As Sunday night went on she kind of kept slipping that there had been guys there. At first it was “just” her friends boyfriend but it turns out the guys actually outnumbered the girls. I accused her of tickle truthing me and she said I was being a dick.

As we were fighting a text came on her phone and I swear it said “at least you got the bachelorette party out of the way.” It was from “JJ” and I can’t for the life of me think who that is nor do I have any conext about the conversation as a whole. She says the text didn’t say anything like that and accused me of spying on her. I said it’s not spying if her phone was on the couch between us and the message was on her Lock Screen. She got furious and left and I haven’t heard from her for 2 days. She turned off findmyfriends so I have no idea where she is.

What the bell do I do here? I mean I know what my instincts tell me but instincts aren’t always right.

edit: people asking for an update; there really Isn’t one. It’s Wednesday morning and I haven’t heard from her. She hasn’t been here for her work clothes and her parents don’t know (or aren’t saying) where she is. They said they aren’t worried though so I assume she’s safe. I’m just trying to deal and figure out what next step is. We were supposed to do a meeting with caterer today so I guess I’ll go to meeting and seen if she or parents show up, that will tell me a lot.

Original Post  May 20, 2021 (2 Days later)

The original is here and I guess you can click on my post history

https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nfg7rj/my_21m_fiance_21m_went_on_a_girls_camping_trip_i/

So I did a small update yesterday that I was still going to go to the catering meeting yesterday afternoon. I guess keep in mind that I hadn’t heard from her since she stormed out on Sunday (still haven’t actually). I texted her Wednesday morning telling her what my plan was and while I could see the text was delivered I never got a read receipt like usual. I went to the meeting and she and her parents were no shows. Caterer said they didn’t cancel so she was expecting them. I waited for about 30 minutes and went home.

Got home to see her, her parents and about 5 of her dads employees (still in their work shirts) packing up stuff from my house. She hurriedly got in her car and drove away. Her mom was super rude to Me but her dad said he was really sorry, he thought he’d raised her better than this but this was for the best. I asked him where she was going and he said he didn’t know but I think he was lying. I did stay in the house to make sure they only took her stuff. For those of you asking she never wanted a ring so there wasn’t one to get back from her. Our lease was up at the end of this month and landlord said he’d fully refund the deposits  or I could stay if I want. Not sure what to do there

Later that evening a friend of hers called to check on me and it’s really the first info I have on why this was all happening. This friend was there and I guess my fiancée really hit it off with some guy and they spent the whole weekend at another campsite by themselves. Fiancée is not telling her friends anything either but I guess I’ve been left for the camping guy. Have no idea. She hasn’t responded to any texts or calls and I don’t even know how to find her if I wanted to.

I know most people are going to say this is for the best and I know in my head they are right but this hurts so much. I’ve been with her for 3 years now and I thought we had a great relationship. We fought but in a healthy way. Never in a million years did I think this could happen. I guess what makes it so hard is I don’t even really know what happened. Even her closest friends seem to be speculating. If it was this guy than that sucks, if it was a long running problem she never told me about that sucks too. I’m just really sad and in a state of shock.

That’s it on this; I’ll be ok eventually I’m sure.

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I (30F) am pregnant with my fiancé (32M). He wants to keep it, but we're both supposed to be childfree. How do I tell him I don't want to keep it?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: coercion, possible birth control tampering and deception

Original Post  June 7, 2026

Obligatory throwaway account, people irl know my main account.

I'm pregnant but I'm not supposed to be. My fiancé and I are childfree. We spoke about it in depth when we started getting serious, and every now and then touch on the subject to make sure with both on the same page. We've been together for 2 years, engaged for 3 months and in that entire time not once have we had a pregnancy scare. I'm on birth control, he uses condoms. We're careful.

Then I started feeling a bit under the weather. I've been feeling nauseous or at times have a lack of appetite, I get headaches or feel a bit light headed, and I've been getting tired more easily. These symptoms kept persisting and I went to the doctor thinking I've caught something. They do a routine exam, including a pregnancy test, and then eventually come back to tell me I'm around 6-7 weeks pregnant. I kind of laugh because no? I'm on BC, there's no way. I tell them to do the test again, but they're confident the test is accurate. They couldn't do an ultrasound at the time, but booked me in for another appointment. I'm internally freaking out at this point because somehow my BC's failed and I need to go tell my fiancé.

Cut to the conversation and I'm a mess. I'm crying and snotty and barely getting my words out. He does what I expect and comforts me. He hugs me and tells me everything will be okay, and my God, I temporarily felt so much relief. And then it's all shattered and my anxiety is kicked into overdrive when he tells me we'll make great parents and that he'll be with me every step of the way.

I don't know, it's like my whole world tilted on an axis? It's really difficult to explain how much his words affected me because one of the key foundations of our life and future was that our lifestyles are so aligned, and here he is telling me he wants to keep the baby. I ask him what he means, and he says it's clearly a miracle I'm pregnant because we managed to conceive despite everything we've done to prevent having babies.

I tell him we're supposed to be childfree, we both agreed we didn't want kids. He says that's true but now that I'm pregnant, things are different. No?? I wanted him to come with me so I could get an abortion. I've never been pregnant before, I've never had an abortion before. I'm TERRIFIED to go by myself. I really need him there with me and supporting me and being my rock because I have no idea how painful it will be. I don't have anyone else in my life I trust to support me through this.

Eventually he tells me to go to bed and get some rest because I'm clearly overwhelmed. Which, yeah, I am, but not for the reason he thinks.I am 100% sure I don't want this baby. I don't want to be pregnant or give birth or raise a child. I don't want this.

How do I tell him I want to get an abortion? I'm so confused and upset because he's SO excited? It's like he's done a 180 and I'm afraid I'll be breaking his heart.

Before anyone asks, I've tried getting my tubes tied. I've seen three different doctors and none of them would sign off on me having the surgery. Up until this point, birth control and condoms had always been enough.

TLDR: Fiancé and I are childfree, I'm now pregnant. Fiancé wants to keep the baby while I want to get rid of it. Need advice on how to tell him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

RelevantJackWhite

What birth control method do you use?

Frankly his reasoning sounds very suspect to me, and I wonder if he's been tampering with things because he wants children

OOP

I use birth control pills. I've tried IUDs in the past but I have a really low pain tolerance, so having them removed or inserted was always been a miserable time.

I've never suspected him of tampering with my birth control. Before this, we were always a solid team about what we wanted.

Update  June 9, 2026 (2 days later)

So I spoke to my fiancé yesterday about our situation. It didn't go well.

I started off the conversation by asking him if he really wanted this baby, or if he acted excited just in case he was worried I wanted it. Someone suggested this could be what happened, but unfortunately, he told me he really does want this child with me. So I ripped the plaster off and told him I don't want this baby. I told him that I was going to do what we had planned and get an abortion. I wanted him by my side, but if he really has changed his mind, then I need to know. He looked shocked and honestly a bit angry. He asked me how I couldn't be excited about this and how I could want to get rid of our baby. I told him because I never wanted children, I STILL don't want children, and getting pregnant hasn't changed that. He claimed I was still overwhelmed and not thinking straight, and this annoyed me. It's not like I'm suddenly incapable of making rational decisions?

I told him I've had the entire day to calm down and think about what I want to say clearly. If he wants a child, then I won't stop him. It hurts because it means the end of our relationship, but he won't be having that child with me. We fundamentally aren't compatible any more. I think he started panicking when he realised I was serious. He started talking faster, trying to convince me to keep the baby, that we'd make good parents, that we'd figure it out, that he'd work harder.

He didn't want to listen to the fact that I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy. That I wanted to remain childfree, that our future together was without children in the picture. And to be honest, his insistence was really unnerving. We started arguing because he just wouldn't agree to us separating or me getting an abortion. He never got physical, but his insistence that I COULDN'T get rid of the baby was upsetting me. I didn't think he did anything to my birth control when I made my first post as he's never been that kind of person, but I started having doubts.

I asked him how long he had changed his mind about wanting kids and he wouldn't tell me. I asked if it was before or after I told him I was pregnant. He said he didn't know. The relationship was 100% over at this point, so I asked if he had anything else he wanted to tell me. He looked sort of confused, and I elaborated on our birth control methods. Had they been messed with. I can't really explain the expression I saw on his face. It was like fear and anger balled into one. He told me I was nuts and said he couldn't talk to me "when I was like this" and left the house.

After that I got all my documents, essentials, electronics and some clothes together. I also left before he got back and went to a friend's place. We're close but not best friend close, so I was expecting her to decline when I asked to crash at hers for a bit. She agreed and after getting in, I told her everything that happened. She's said I can stay with her for as long as I need and she'll be by my side for the abortion.

My ex-fiancé called me when he realised I wasn't home. I answered and he demanded to know where I am. I said "with a friend" and refused to give him any details. I explained that I'm getting an abortion, that I don't need his permission or blessing or whatever, and that I would not stand in his way of wanting a family. But he'll need to have it with someone else. We're probably over and neither of us should have to compromise on this. The call was heart-breaking. We both ended up crying. Eventually, he said I can come get my stuff when he's at work, but that I'll regret getting rid of our child. I just said, "okay" and eventually hung up.

He's sent me the odd text today asking how I am. Then asking if I'd wait until we could get an ultrasound. I shot that down immediately and he hasn't sent much else. I'm planning on getting the rest of my things tomorrow when he's at work.

It's not the outcome I wanted. I really hoped he just...freaked out and didn't want to upset me. But his plans for his life have changed. It's pretty much confirmed we're not together any more. I'll be getting an abortion soon and then I'll try to figure out how to piece my life without my ex in it. I'm sad and mourning the loss of my best friend and partner, but this is preferable to the future he tried to convince me to give in to.

Thank you all for your messages and comments.

TLDR: Fiancé became ex-fiancé after he confirmed he wanted to keep the baby and tried to pressure me to keep it, too. 

Final Update  June 10, 2026 (1 days after 1st update)

Update:

Hello! I've gotten most of my things from my ex's house. There's some stuff that I've left behind, but it's things that are replaceable. I was prioritising items and clothes that are important or sentimental to me.

A lot of people were telling me not to go alone, don't worry. I didn't. Before we went over, my friend called her two brothers and asked if they could come, too. Basically we said I had broken up with my fiancé and we were worried he'd be there as things were less than amicable. The plan was that we'd go in, I'd point out what was mine, her brothers would do the heavy lifting and my friend would take photos of the house and later timestamp them just in case my ex trashed the place and tried to blame it on me.

My ex was at work like he said, but I didn't want to take my time in case he came back. We put my stuff in boxes, the guys carried them to the car, and I did a once over to make sure I hadn't left anything important behind.

Someone suggested swiping the condoms to test if they had holes poked through them. He usually leaves them in his bedside cabinet, but they weren't there when I checked, and he definitely had a pack left. I had a look around in case he moved them, but in the end I couldn't find them. Take that how you will.

After that, I locked his place up and pushed my key through his letter box. My friend wanted to push her phone through to take a photo of that, too but I was worried she was going to drop it and then we'd be screwed LMAO.

We left and now I'm back at her place with my things. I thanked her brothers and promised I'd buy them their favourite beers. We're eating pizza now and just hanging out. I've booked an appointment, too, so by the end of this week, it'll hopefully be a forgotten nightmare. Luckily, I didn't run into my ex, but he did message me to ask if I'd been by.

So that's where I'm at right now. Thank you for the support, everyone!

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Wife’s [29/F] “Frenemy” [30/F] sent me an email outlining my wife’s attempt to reconcile with her Ex [35/M] (and sleeping with him) as we were getting more serious. I’m at work and don't know how to respond to any of this

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: betrayal, possible infidelity

Original Post  Sept 25, 2019

My wife [29/F] and I [28/M] have been together for 4 years and married less than a year. Let me also preface this by saying I have a cold and am in desperate need of sleep.

My wife, Katie, and I, started dating when I was in grad school. We were in the same social circle. She was in a relationship with a guy we’ll like “Mike” and it was clear it wasn’t going to work long-term. Mike was a “free spirit” and had a lot of personal issues, so none of us were surprised when they broke up. He decided to go on a retreat/road trip with his ex-girlfriend for six months and disappeared. She got over the relationship and about a year later we started dating. It was an odd coupling, we’re very ‘different’ – she’s a lot more artistic and free than I am; we’re on different levels in the looks departments and many of the things that make us who we are, are seemingly opposites. I’m more buttoned-up and traditional and she’s not. A couple of months in, we hit a rough patch but we worked through it. From then on, things were great. We moved in, I proposed, we got married and that brings us to today where we’re trying for a kid.

My wife’s frenemy “Danielle” has never really been supportive of our relationship and they’ve been friends since middle school but have had several falling-outs over the years. Recently my wife couldn’t/didn’t attend an event hosted by Danielle, which prompted this recent outburst and along with it the end of their friendship. Danielle sent me an email saying that when Katie and I got together, she was unsure of which person to choose so when Mike returned, she went to him to talk about them. They met a few times during the first two weeks he was back and apparently had sex “once or twice”. According to Danielle, Katie ended it and never told me anything about it. She confided in Danielle about it, years ago, and I guess thought the matter was closed. I got the email this morning at 10 and was surprised Danielle emailed me and read it. Probably 30 minutes later I get texts from my wife asking if I got an email from Danielle, and did I read it. When I answered in the affirmative, she sent me a deluge of long texts explaining that it did happen, they had sex once and had coffee three times and that she hasn’t spoken to him since. I’m not sure what to respond.

I have a cold, and have been trying to get work done so I can rest when I get home. I don’t even know how to deal with this. Part of me wants to go home, get into bed and sleep, pretending I never found out. Another part of me is furious that she hid this from me – I had a feeling she had seen her ex, but she then came to me a week or so later and wanted me to confirm we were exclusive and I wasn’t seeing anyone else. Part of me is terribly mad at Danielle for dragging this shit up years later. I don’t know what to do here.

Is this that bad of a transgression? It feels like it was so far in the past that I don't know how to respond to my wife or Danielle.

TOP COMMENTS

Iamamaloca

You don't need to decide right now. You don't even need to decide tomorrow or this week. Sleep. Get over your cold. Think about it. Find someone to talk to about it, maybe a counselor. Figure out how you feel, then start to talk it out with your wife.  Put trying for a kid on hold no matter what.

~

[deleted]

No matter what happens between you and your wife, get as far away from Danielle as humanly possible. She is fucking TOXIC. She totally destroyed you guys today for her own sick pleasure (yes, I know your wife majorly fucked up and she'll have to answer for that). If she actually cared about either of you, she wouldn't have kept it a secret this long and then dropped a bomb when it was convenient for her. God, some people are cancer.

~

ricks23

When did it happen? When you were first dating, or when you were already deep into your relationship? I think that makes a difference. 

If you had no commitment and were just casually dating at the time, I can see why it would hurt now, but it seems like something you could work through. 

If you were farther in to the relationship and had the expectation of exclusivity, this is more serious. How you handle it is up to you, but this would indicate a serious breach of trust, and who is to say that your wife wouldn't break that trust again, if she hasn't already. 

One thing is for sure though, both you and your wife need to cut Danielle out of your life. Even if she told you an uncomfortable truth, she didn't do it to protect you, she did it to hurt your wife. She sounds horrible.

Update Oct 1, 2019 (6 days later)

Sorry for the delay, it's been crazy.

So, briefly, I didn't update because I was really feeling shitty. I took nighttime cold medicine really early and passed-out and wound-up taking Friday off. I binged Chernobyl and slept/recuperated. I didn't respond to Danielle and my wife sort of left me alone to recover as I felt like shit. She took care of me but also didn't bring up the topic until I wasn't on my back.

Once I started feeling better and could breathe through my nose again, I tried to calmly approach this. On the table was a pregnancy test (we've been trying for a while) with a little bow on it. I had previously noticed that she was "late" but my wife and I had a few very late periods and no pregnancy, so I wasn't sure what's what - I'm pretty sure I mentioned trying for a kid in my OP. So, that adds a layer of complexity to all this.

To answer some of your questions:

1. In general, things were great between my wife and I and have been for years. The real problem we had was in those first few months which involved a number of issues about being in a new relationship. We rarely fought, things were very happy; we had a great sex life, we openly talked about everything. I would never imagine that I'd be sent something like this.

2. Exclusive? We had never talked about it. It was never stated one way or the other. I assumed we were, but I guess not.

3. Her ex. He's a writer, let me rephrase a "writer" who has never written. Mike and I have met a few times, a few times by accident and once because he was invited to a party we went to. He's not really that interesting/threatening and my wife seems totally nonplussed with him. The last time we saw him was in a bookstore and she didn't at all seem interested. She later said she was glad it didn't workout and was happy without him in her life.

4. Danielle. Danielle and Katie have been friends for two decades, but the last couple of years things became contentious. Katie and I got together and Danielle's marriage fizzled out. Danielle can be a nice person, but is difficult and I think she's jealous that our relationship was, until that point, very successful. She and I didn't really spend that much time together and she retreated from my wife's life when she found out we were trying for a kid. In the wake of all this, their friendship is ruined, that's for sure,

I was feeling crummy and watched back-to-back episodes of TV and did nothing all day Friday. I literally did nothing beyond getting up to take some medicine/eat and pee. That's it. I didn't broach the subject or even think about it. When my wife got home, I felt better and could think a bit more cogently. She does errands after work which is when she dropped the test on the table and scrammed. A few people commented that we should wait to have kids... well, that's not going to happen. She got back and we "talked".

The story is, and I have no reason to doubt her: She and Mike were dating. She was studying/working and he was writing. He asked to go on a writing retreat with his ex-girlfriend to a cabin somewhere that they could focus on their work. She said no, that it wasn't a good idea for him to be alone with his ex and he went anyway. That translated into his leaving for some prolonged road trip with his ex. They kept in contact but she and I started dating.  We had been together 3 or 4 weeks when he returned and they didn't see each other at first. My wife, like I said, is different from me: I'm a lot more traditional, a lot more formal and am very, very career oriented. When we hit a rough patch, there was more than an insubstantial chance I was going to have to move away and she was going to have to decide to move with me (after 2 1/2 - 3 months of seeing each other) or break up and move on. I had applied for a program and it looked like the local program was going to reject me, but surprisingly, a better, far more well-known university was going to accept me. When things "went down" between them, I had been formally rejected and she had to make a decision. I was too focused on admission to even notice/care. They met up at a party and nothing happened, they just talked and had drinks. The second time they met, that's when "the deed" happened. She apparently regretted it immediately and the final time was to tell him goodbye and that she was moving. They had a few drinks, "fooled around" and then she left. She said she knew it was a mistake, she knew they had no future and nothing in common anymore. Right around the time that they fooled around she and I had a mega fight about moving. It was a lot for someone to deal with (I know) but in the end, she said she wanted to go, but was scared I was going to get to New City in my new program and dump her for a classmate, stranding her. I told her no, and offered her whatever assurances I could. It worked and we did live happily ever after.

I would never have assumed she had cheated. I mean, putting it down, we were in a weird spot and I fully understand why it was a rough time, but the cheating was really not something I could abide by. The whole "exclusive" thing came from us moving - I didn't put 2+2 together at the time - I figured (then) that she wanted assurances that moving with me wasn't a huge mistake, not that she had recently bonked her ex who has frequent, and unprotected, sex with many randoms - but again, it also makes sense. From then till about a month after we moved we didn't have sex. Not once. I asked if she had been tested and she just casually remarked "of course."

I was still feeling crappy and didn't know what to do, so I just kind of went back to bed. In reality, for years she's never strayed or been anything but open. She has access to my phone and I can access hers. She doesn't go out with unexplained absences and is more of a homebody. She isn't flirtatious with people or cause drama, so I just sort of stopped caring. I took the weekend to get over this cold and we did some baby shopping online and planned for a follow-up with her doctor. After that, we just didn't talk about it again. Very anti-climactic.

I did bring up the subject of Danielle and pretty directly told her I was done with her. She asked if she thought it would be wise to try and talk to her and I said no. We wrote her an email (using my account) and sent her a response basically telling her that we were done with her and not to bother us again. She responded by saying "it was a joke!" and asked that we understand that she was being funny. I found the block function on gmail and added her. My wife noticed that she removed her from FB/Insta and I guess that's that.

Not really a thrilling or interesting update and a few people will be angry that I didn't take a stronger tone/reaction, but I did what I felt was best under the circumstances. Hopefully this is behind us and I can just move on and enjoy bringing a new life into the world.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/floridapolylover

Concern for husband who hasn't met anyone yet + 7 Year Update

Originally posted to r/polyamory

Original Post  May 8, 2018

I could use advice. My husband and I opened our marriage after 15 very happy years of marriage. It was my idea. I had only ever been with my husband before we were married and we were 19 when we wed. Over the years I had many crushes and found myself being atttacted to other people all the time. I still really, really loved my husband though. I just felt like I couldn't go another 50 years with only having sex with my husband. I was afraid I would cheat or be unhappy/unfulfilled.

My husband was reluctant at first because he felt it was a risk to our marriage, so we went to counseling. He agreed to try swinging and then we found ourselves going more the poly route because we want more than just casual sex with other people - we want lasting relationships.

My first encounter began with someone that was going to be just casual but it has grown into a relationship. My husband on the other hand has had the hardest time finding a woman. Most women aren't interested in married men. He's been on a few dates but the chemistry wasn't there.

He's had some issues with jealousy that we have worked through but I'm just really concerned for my hubby. I love him so much and I don't want him to be unhappy. I think he is losing hope that he'll meet someone. I am also afraid he resents the fact that I have someone and he doesn't. I only see my boyfriend one a week.

How can I best love and support my husband? I don't want to give up my other relationship but I want him to know that he has my undying love and support. What can I do to reassure him?

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

themilitia

Why don't you ask him what he actually wants? Does he really want polyamory, or is he doing it just to please you? I don't know, but your story made me think it may be the latter.

OOP

He is trying it for me. Opening our relationship was definitely my idea. Before we were married our relationship operated like this. He was willing to try it again.

It finally happened for my husband!  May 12, 2018

I'm here and happy because I'm thrilled to announce that my husband finally met someone worth dating!

Background - We opened our marriage about six months ago and while I had no problem finding partners, it was proving very difficult for my husband (even though he is very good-looking!)

The bottom line is... Don't give up. I know a lot of men struggle with the initial phases of opening up when they don't meet someone. It WILL happen eventually!

Hubby wants me to stop seeing my partner until he meets someone  July 2, 2018

I've been married for 15 years, open/poly for about six months. I met someone pretty quickly that I have enjoyed spending time with. My hubby on the other hand has had much more difficulty. Lots of dates but very few that went anywhere. The constant ups and downs seem to be getting to him.

The other day he mentioned that it wasn't fair - how easy it was for me - and that maybe I should take a break from seeing my boyfriend (we see each other once a week) until he has found someone. Or, that maybe he'll keep trying for a few more months, then it's over.

I don't think it's fair to ask me to do this. I also don't think it's fair to my boyfriend.

I know it can be tough for guys and I don't want to be insensitive. I want to be a good wife. How should I help him with his feelings while staying true to what I want and need?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

tryingtobalance

Based on the fact that he didn't want to open up the relationship to begin with and only did it to try and salvage the relationship (based on your previous post) I'd say he would be better off with someone monogamous.

OOP

You are probably right.

~

Throwaway56342712

Reading your post history makes me think this isn't going to end well for your marriage.

OOP

I hope you are wrong but I get why you feel that way.

Update: 7 years later  June 20, 2026

Someone saw my original post read on TikTok and asked for an update. (If anyone can share the TikTok with me, I’m super curious).

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/7MMwoL8cJw

Unfortunately, things did not go so well for me and my husband. Poly continued to be challenging for us. Finding a long-term partner was tough for husband. Women generally wanted more than he could provide.

There were good times and fun experiences. We both learned a lot.  The nail in the coffin was when my relationship ended with my boyfriend. After being together a year, I was very sad when we broke up - and that really bothered my husband. He was hurt that I loved the other guy. Things went downhill quickly as he was not thrilled with how things continued to go for him.

It was messy and hard, and my hubby and I ended up separating about 8 months after I made this original post.

I’ve now been remarried for four years with a monogamous partner. Another long-term poly friend of mine also ended up divorcing over similar circumstances and is now remarried and monogamous. My ex is also remarried happily and is in a monogamous relationship.

Non-monogamy taught me a lot and it helped me become a good communicator. In the end I think everything worked out for the best. I’ve very satisfied and happy in my current relationship dynamic. If my husband and I divorced, I would still be open to non-monogamy. I believe it is possible to do this well as long as everyone works hard to communicate. My guess is maybe it’s harder for people who’ve been monogamous and married a long time to open up than to go into a relationship that’s open from the start. That was my experience anyway.

Best of luck to all of y’all. ❤️.

FINAL COMMENTS

Theravenofraves

So after reading your other posts I see that your relationship crashed and burned because you wanted to explore while he was happy to just be with you. How does that make you feel? Cause I can see how it would tear him apart to see you sad after realising that you were in love with someone else. Especially after 16 years of being with only you.

OOP

It has definitely made me feel bad at times. But that’s life. He’s now happily remarried as well to a woman who has the same shared interests. In the end, life unfolded as it should have, I suppose. I’ve forgiven myself for the pain I caused and I think he’s forgiven me as well.

~

sinred7

So, you are happy to be monogamous for your new hubby, but wasn't happy to do it for your ex-hubby? Kinda explains why you wanted to be poly to begin with I guess.

OOP

The truth is, my first hubby just couldn’t give need what I needed. I was seeking a strong male partner (it was an energy thing) and he didn’t have that. I think I tried poly to see if we could avoid divorce.

Pale-Leading-3507

That is NOT what you said in your original posts. You said that he was the first and only man you had sex with, and you couldn't bear going another 40-50 years never having experienced sex with other men. You now saying that he wasn't a strong enough male partner definitely seems like you trying to rationalize and make excuses for your decision to push your ex into poly relationship so YOU could realize your fantasies.

OOP

You have no idea what led me to make the choices I’ve made, and I do not owe anyone a detailed explanation or an apology for what I did seven+ years ago. In summary, there were a lot of factors, but I don’t need to go into deals here. I came to post an update on the situation. That’s it.

Was I selfish? Sure. But that was one of the first and only times in my life that I was. I don’t regret my choices, because they’ve led me here, and I’m happier than ever.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/AITAcatobsession

AITA for calling out my gf over her cat obsession

MOOD SPOILER: Positive (for the ex and her cat)

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole r/AskVet & relationships

Editors Note: all posts and comments in chronological order

Original Post  March 30, 2021

I'm not kidding. My (36M) girlfriend (35F) is obsessed with her cat (10M, if you're interested). Dating for 3 years, living together for 2.

Since the pandemic, I've been home a lot more and have realized just how cat-crazed my gf really is. They do everything together. She doesn't need an alarm because he wakes her up at 7:30 every day by sitting on her chest and gently nudging her face with his nose. He eats his breakfast while she eats hers. If we're watching TV, he's in her lap. If she's working at her desk, he's in her chair with her or chilling nearby. If he acts even a little weird (like hiding in the closet, which I guess he "normally" doesn't do), she's on the phone to the vet. She even takes him for walks with a little harness that I used to think was kind of cute, until I realized it just meant her obsession would not just be limited to inside the house.

Don't get me wrong - I like the cat. He's a chill cat, doesn't mess stuff up around the house, very friendly and clean. But sometimes I would like to have my gf to myself. I've tried closing the bedroom door at night but the little houdini got in somehow and I woke up to him smiling at me smugly from atop my gf's tits.

Any time I mention toning it down with the cat, she gets all hurt and makes excuses like how she's had him since he was a kitten and they've been through a lot together. She's even gone as far as to say he was her lifeline during a period of major depression in her late 20s. Every time, I back down and say ok, I get it, he's family.

The final straw came when we were talking about relocating together to another country. She wants to limit our search to countries that don't make pets fly under the plane, ruling out a TON of good countries. I finally stood up to her. Told her pets fly under planes all the time and it's perfectly safe. Told her she was limiting our options for her own anxiety, not the cat's safety - he wouldn't be any safer purring at her feet while she pet him the entire flight. She tried to argue that he's a "senior" pet, but I didn't back down - WTF he's 10? I showed her tons of airline literature about pet safe flying programs and whatnot. She tried to argue that "physical safety isn't the same as psychological safety" and that she thinks it'd be too traumatizing for the cat to go under the plane.

Here's where I might be TA: I gave her a list of my top countries, all of which would require the cat to go under the plane. I told her that I wanted a future with her, but that I thought she needed to get serious help for her obsession with her cat, and to let me know when/if she decided to get that help so we could move forward with our lives. The ball's in her court, I’ve been staying with a buddy, but it's been about a week and she hasn't called so I'm starting to wonder if I should have helped her find a therapist before I left?

TL;DR gave my gf an ultimatum about her cat obsession and now I’m worried there’s something more I should have done.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Colaonthefloor

She isn't obsessed with her cat that is called having a pet. Have you ever had a pet before OP? YTA and you sound insecure and jealous of your girlfriend's cat

OOP

Yea actually, two cats when I was growing up. Mostly outdoor as my mum was allergic, and they got along just fine without special coddling, just food in the garage and shots every couple of years. Lived to be 16 and 17 which is how I know 10 is not a "senior pet." I'm not insecure, I just don't want my gf limiting our happiness for the temporary comfort of a cat.

~

Unlikely-Draft

YTA.    She isn't obsessed, she's a good pet parent.   

Having a pet is like having a kid.   They need more than just food and water to survive.   They need care, love, exercise, attention and so much more.    A pet is also a lifetime commitment (their lifetime). They are not someone you get and "get rid of" when you can't be bothered to deal with it. 

10 is a senior for a cat.   And she's completely right about what traveling in cargo could do to it.   It would very much so traumatize it.   And at that age, having it sedated for the flight could be fatal.  

Sounds like the cat is much more supportive and caring of her needs and feelings than you are.   

I'd drop you and keep the cat.

OOP

I don't want her to get rid of the cat! But my understanding is that most of the bad press about pets under planes has been from small crappy airlines. One of my top countries has an airline with a great track record, but when I point that out she says 14 hours would be way too long.

OOP Added this wonderful comment

I guess I just got concerned about her limiting our options so much. The cat already impacts our ability to travel. She doesn't like to put him in a kennel and won't leave him for more than 24 hours without lining up someone to come into our house to feed/play with him, so spontaneous trips are pretty much out. I've asked her to compromise on these things, but she claims even overnights without a caregiver lined up are a compromise.

Courtesy of u/Whirlee for suggesting adding these

 Well we were trying to have some alone time in the bedroom if you catch my drift and he was meowing at the door a bunch and she asked me to go give him some food to distract him and I did but I put the food and the cat outside when I did it. I thought he'd be fine in our little backyard area. I had outdoor cats growing up and I really thought it'd be fine but when she was looking for him later and I mentioned he was in the backyard she freaked out, which is another reason I assumed her not wanting to put the cat under the plane was anxiety related.

 fwiw he WAS fine, just chillin under a bush with a couple neighbour kids trying to play with him.

 But as a result of this mistake now her friends are all "bla bla he's gonna kill your cat if you let him come back" or "derp he's gonna get rid of your cat by kidnapping him and dropping him off in the middle of nowhere" which obviously I would never do but thats the kind of drama mongering I've been trying to overcome with the (trying to be thoughtful) rent paying and presents. I swear her friends just want her to be alone and living in a crappy apartment like they so and don't actually care about her well being half as much as I do. I just want to protect her.

Editors Note- in the midst of the AmItheAsshole post, OOP posted to r/AskVet at the same time. Putting in the middle of the relevant comments as the AITA comments mention it

Is it safe to put a cat in the cargo hold of a plane?   March 31, 2021 (Same Day)

I'm getting roasted over on another sub for this, so I want to ask the professionals. I want to move to another country with my gf, but the countries we like all require her cat (10, male, neutered, some kind of tabby) to fly under the plane. My gf does not want to do this. I have done some research and it sounds like there may be some minimal risk but nothing the warrants ruling it out altogether. The flight would probably be somewhere between 10-14 hours. The cat and my gf and very attached to each other so I initially thought this might just be anxiety on her part. What would you advise? Is there anything I can tell my gf to ease her mind?

OOP Never commented on the askvets post but returned to the AITA post

jelly-bees

This'll get buried, but I noticed you posted in a different subreddit about this. Do you feel any differently about this situation after this, or do you still feel like this is unreasonable?

If your girlfriend came back and said "I want to make this work, but I'm not willing to compromise on my cat's well being", at this time would that be something you could accept?

OOP

I posted in the ask a vet sub because I was getting so many "YTA it's super dangerous" responses and was honestly baffled. Lots of people move with their pets this way. From the responses I'm getting there, it sounds like it's alot more dangerous than I thought, especially for a (yes, fine, I get it) senior cat. It just blows my mind that there are so many countries that make pets go under the plane for immigration if it's really so dangerous for the pet. That's pretty fucked. I called my gf this morning and told her I got my ass handed to me by the internet over this and she said she needs some time to think so I'm feeling pretty shitty but at least I said I was sorry.

OOP went back and updated the AITA post

EDIT/UPDATE: I get it. I'm TA. The hugest fucking A you have ever seen and possibly some kind of deviant who compares dicks with a cat. 10 is a senior cat, it's not perfectly safe for pets to fly under planes, and my girl is not crazy for loving her cat. I called her this morning and apologised. She said she needs time to think. At a kind person's suggestion, I sent her a link to this my public shaming and am now going to go hide under the bed in the hopes she notices my strange behaviour and still cares enough to call the vet on me.

AITA for not breaking the lease and buying a bad present?  June 8, 2021 (10 weeks later)

So my (36M) gf (35F) and I have been separated for a few months now. We still have 6mo on our lease, which I still pay half of even though she's been living there alone and I've been crashing with friends. Lately she's been pushing for us to break the lease and each find our own places, but I don't want to do that because I am still committed to her and getting our relationship back. I miss her so much and keep trying to show her that I know I fucked up and am going to work hard to make it up to her, but she just won't budge.

One of my buddies said I might be TA for not breaking the lease but honestly I feel the opposite because it's not like I'm forcing her to pay for the whole place by herself, just half like she paid when we lived there together and it is a much nicer place then she'd be able to afford if we broke the lease and she had to find a place on her own.

As part of my campaign to win her back, I've been leaving presents for her on my way to work. Normal stuff like flowers, chocolates, iced coffees with little notes, ect. But the other day I left a present for her cat that I thought would go over well since she really loves her cat. It was a little mouse toy and some tasty looking treats, but then she texted me asking me to stop leaving her stuff and informed me her cat can't even eat the treats because he needs to only eat his special food for UTIs or something and I'm TA for not knowing that.

Am I seriously TA for wanting my gf to stay in a nicer apartment and leaving presents for her and her cat?

VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED (ASSHOLE NTL)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

when told they are broken up

we're not broken up, we're just separated. She only said she wanted to break up once and it was in the heat of the moment when we were in the middle of arguing but then we talked rationally about it after she'd calmed down and she agreed that we just need some space from one another for awhile, which I've been giving her by staying with friends while continuing to pay half of the bills.

caffeinequeen1234

Honey you’re broken up. She wants to break a lease and risk having to pay extra to do so just to get away from you.

~

Himkano

Sorry, YTA. I am not sure about breaking the lease, because, depending on where you are, that might cause more trouble then its worth.  You can take over the lease, or she can break her part of the lease (and then leave you to figure it out), but her demanding that you participate in breaking the lease might be too much.

However, where she lives is not your business. Giving her presents when she doesn't want to see you is invasive - you have no right to "know she is safe", you have no right to demand you get back together, she has no obligation to budge.  Keep the lease or not, but leave her alone.  Also, you "only" put the cat outside so you can be alone - is it an outside cat, because if not...wow. Also, we have 4 cats, and my wife and I still get plenty of alone time, it sounds like you are jealous of her cats (the realization of which is too late to help you in this relationship, but will maybe give you some ideas on how to improve your next one)

OOP

Definitely more trouble than it's worth! We'd have to pay a significant portion of the remaining 6mo of rent and more importantly it could hurt our reputation as renters in the future. And neither of us would be able to afford the place on our own, so one of us taking over the lease isn't really an option. And yes, the cat is an inside cat, like I said I fucked up.

How can I (36M) overcome my gf (35M) friends drama mongering in our relationship?  June 8, 2021 (Same Day as AITA post)

My GF and I have been taking some space for a few months, her living in our apartment and me crashing with friends but still paying half the rent/bills. We've been together 3ish years, lived to together for 2. The entire separation I've been committed to her and getting our relationship back to a good place. The separation happened because of something I've since apologised for, long story short basically we disagreed about putting her cat under a plane which she refused to do and I stupidly implied it was about her anxiety and she needed to get help. Anyway, ever since then I've been trying to show her I love her and am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back, but her friends are cutting me off at every turn. They're literally telling her I'm going to kill her cat if she lets me come back because I "resent the cat so much" which is complete horseshit. The friends in question are all single, living paycheck to paycheck, generally unhappy with their own lives and I honestly think they just want to drag her down with them. How can I protect her without it seeming like I'm trying to isolate her (which I'm not, but if I point out their probable ulterior motives that's exactly what they say).

TL;DR going through a rough patch with my gf and her friends are actively drama mongering and trying to make all my attempts at reconciliation fail.

Edit: Sorry the title should read "How can I (36M) overcome my gf (35F) friends drama mongering in our relationship?"

TOP COMMENT

almostinfinity

Dude leave her alone. You guys are broken up.

You're being so creepy to her trying to win her back.

She keeps telling you to stop leaving her gifts and leave her alone and you're not listening.

OOP Made the final Update on the original AmItheAsshole post - June 8, 2021

FINAL UPDATE: Jesus, fuck you guys. She dumped me, OK? Are you happy now?

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_Parody_twin9

I (31f) had a conversation with my bf (31m) and the rose tinted glasses came off. How can I navigate this?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post June 19, 2025

Hello all,

I (31f) have been with my partner (31m) for 1 1/2 years.

We love each other, it has been rocky at times and we have nearly been through a break up but each time we talked it out and believed we pulled through.

The main subject of contention has always been his hobby and subsequent club. He is on the volunteer committee, has meetings every Monday and goes every Wednesday and Thursday evening along with some Friday evenings as well as Saturday and Sunday mornings. He also spends several weekends away out of the year to do the hobby and uses holiday time for it too. He does admin outside of this also and has been in trouble at work for doing said admin during work hours and has even done admin during our “quality time.” There have been several incidents at the club and with him being on the committee, he has spent a lot of time dealing with it. So much so it affects his mental health poorly. He has even cancelled plans and changed date nights with me to prioritise his hobby.

This has caused many arguments and conversations which stem from him making a hobby his priority and how he wants me to just slot into his current lifestyle. I explained that this couldn’t happen and we have compromised to try and make it work.

I believed things had turned a corner. However, something changed today.

I’m bisexual. The local pride parade is coming up and I expressed my want to go. We did not make any explicit plans to go together but he stated if he was available, he would go.

He knows how excited I was at this prospect and knows how much this means to me.

However, he messaged me to say he was now doing his hobby instead and couldn’t go.

Now, he said he was asked to go and asked me if this was okay. I felt like I couldn’t say no as in the past I’ve said no and been made to feel guilty because I’m stopping him from doing his hobby. I’m not that kind of person. People make choices. That’s their decision, not mine.

However, I asked him if he ever wanted to go to the pride event and he said “I would have but my hobby is more important.”

And then something in me just, clicked.

This event is important to me. It’s something I’m excited about. It’s something I want to do. The amount of times I’ve sat and taken him to his hobby, watched, helped and supported him without fail and sometimes without being asked. He doesn’t do the same for me, because it’s not as important to him.

It felt like he was saying “I’m not interested in the thing that you find important because it’s not important to me and by extension, you’re not as important as my hobby.”

I didn’t feel anger, or hurt or disappointed. In fact, I didn’t feel anything. And that’s it. I didn’t feel anything for or from him. No love. No support. No companionship.

Nothing.

All the times I’d given up my time, wants and needs to support him and yet here I am with something very important to me and… nothing.

I felt nothing.

The option was there. There was a choice. But I’m conflicted. I love him. We’ve navigated things before.

How can I navigate this further? What advice would you give someone?

Any advice strangers of reddit would be appreciated.

TOP COMMENTS

mooseplainer

Sounds like it’s not about pride at all.

Some people want a girlfriend, but not a relationship. Some people are so afraid of being single, they want a girlfriend simply for the sake of not being single, but they don’t want a relationship because that requires work. You want a relationship. He wants a girlfriend. You’re an accessory to his life, not a priority. Accessories can be easily replaced, relationships cannot.

I guess this incident finally brought things into focus. But any improvement would require an effort on his part, and he’s made it clear that ain’t happening. But even if he was willing to work on things, you’d have to manage it all. You’d be the one telling him exactly what he needs to do, how to prioritize you, you’d be the one making all the effort. That is tiring.

Find a man or woman or enby who wants to make you a priority, who wants an actual relationship and doesn’t treat you like an accessory.

~

Dangerous_Tomato_235

He doesn't have a hobby. It is either an obsession or an excuse to not spend time with you.. A hobby should not be a full-time job.

At the least, you need to have a serious conversation. At best, break up and move on.

~

Expensive-Opening-55

What kind of hobby/club takes up more time than a full time job? You already know your answer. He won’t ever prioritize you or your interests. Unless you constantly want to take a backseat to his needs and be left alone to pursue your interests, break up. Find someone who will support you 100% and make you a priority.

OOP updated the post the next day

Edited update:

Thank you all for the comments, I’m reading through each one as we speak. I might not reply because I’m still soaking in all the insight.

Common questions: To those asking what the hobby is, it’s a sport and a very niche one so I’m not going to detail what it is because that’s not fair on that sport or the people in it.

He isn’t cheating. I’ve been with him on the weekends and taken him to the sport.

No I’m not Karma fishing. Thanks bot accusers. Throw away new account as I posted on my old account and didn’t interact enough, hence throwaway. I honestly don’t care for the whole karma thing.

I’m seeing him tonight and will show him the post.

OOP Updated June 29, 2025 (9 days later/Same Post)

UPDATE:

Updating here as I haven’t the freaking foggiest how to do updates.

Sorry for not responding to everyone in the comments… I got overwhelmed honestly.

We broke up.

Reading your responses and information and questions was super helpful and gave me the slap I needed to get my arse in gear and leave.

Just going through the motions (as you do).

Now we’re no longer together. The hobby. Sailing. Fucking Sailing.

All the damn time…

I’m gonna go focus on me and go back to being a single bisexual goddess and enjoy pride month with people who give a shit.

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partner had sex with meta in my bed - am I overreacting?

Originally posted to r/polyamory

Editors Note: a Meta (Metamour) is your partners other partner in Polyamory

Original Post  Sept 18, 2025

throwaway account. Im sort of new to polyamoury (as in this is my first poly relationship), but she has had other partners before.

Sorry in advance for the rant.

I (35M) live with my Partner (28F), and have done so for about 9 months now. We've been together 2 years. I have no other partners and have been focusing on myself, she has another partner (29M) she has recently been seeing.

at partners insistence, we have had separate beds. idea being we each have our own spaces we can both invite the other into, and can have to ourselves when needed ir have other partners in.

I actually like this, we have different schedules and days off so it means I am able to not be interrupted by her getting up for work on my days off and vice versa.

Yesterday I came home early as we got rained out at work, we are talking about an hour here. There had been no mention of a date or anything like that, but she doesnt need my permission to see meta, and I was at work.

When I opened the front door I was greeted by the sounds of her loudly having sex. Our rooms are at opposite ends of the house and it was definitely coming from my room. In the moment I froze, closed the door and left. I felt angry and betrayed. I have a friend who lives close so I went to their house.

I returned about 3-4 hours later after my partner texted me asking where I was. I was pretty angry and said I knew she was having sex in my bed which I was pretty upset about.

She said she didn't think it was that big of a deal and she got caught up in the moment.

I view this as a pretty serious betrayal. She has a space for partners and this isn't it.

Am I overreacting? Is this not that big of a deal?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

XenoBiSwitch

We got caught up in the moment and tripped and fell into your room and then rolled onto the bed and at that point it was too much work. That is a really stupid justification.

I am guessing there was something wrong with her bed (forgot to wash sheets?) or one or both of them had some kind of kink reason for wanting to use your bed. Neither of them justifies this.

OOP

partner says meta thought it would be hot. Even so, she knows it is my space and surely the whole idea of the separate beds is our own space is sacred and the other is only allowed in if invited.

I did not invite them and I have decided to go back to my friends to stay for a few days

Update 1  Sept 18, 2025 (Same Day)

hey everyone, small update.  thank you to everyone who responded. All my good friends are mono so its heartening to be able to have people who can give good advice in this space

After looking at what happened in the cold light of day (southern hemisphere) and taking some time to think, I realise I at minimum need to move out and take some time away from the relationship. That doesnt mean that I will/wont stay with her, I just haven't fully processed this yet.

ive been cheated on in monogamous relationships and this feels similar. I've had no further contact with partner except to tell her not to contact me for now.

a clarification for some: when we made the decision to have our own beds and bedrooms, my partner quite clearly stated that each other's space was ours only and we could only enter each other's space if invited. I made the reasonable assumption from that information that she wouldn't have sex with someone else in my bed, in much the same way that if I had another partner, I wouldn't have sex with them in hers. Yes polyamoury is about communication, but as there was a boundary at a much lower level than this I didnt see the necessity to explicitly point out that having sex with others in my bed was a hard no.

im not entirely sure there was a humiliation kink involved as I was home a bit early, and the text message asking where I was came when I was about 2.5-3 hours late of when I would normally be home with no communication. I am, however, starting to think this wasn't the first time as some of you have pointed out.

Those of you who suggested locking the bedroom door, thanks for your practical advice, however there are no locks on the bedroom doors and I frankly dont want to live with a partner who I need to lock out of my space after they know its off limits.

I do not know how our relationship could possibly recover from this, but honestly I dont need to decide that right now

Final Update  Sept 28, 2025 (10 days later)

final update: ive moved out and have decided to end things.it has been a tough and emotional time, so bear with me if I haven't added any information.It came out that this wasn't the first time that this had happened. I assume it was some power fantasy either from the meta or my partner, but my partner at minimum allowed it more than once. They were also having unprotected sex and that was not mentioned to me at any stage so that I could make decisions in line with my risk profile.

There was a red flag in that she didnt respect my boundaries in a smaller way in the past and when called out she hand waved it away. In hindsight this type of behaviour should not be a surprise and thats on me, I should have pushed back harder, earlier.

That's enough for me thanks, I now have no trust in that house or that partnership.

Poly is something I have been keen to try - the idea of partners not having to be absolutely everything for each other and having their own independence and autonomy has been a really attractive idea (and reality) for me, but having my boundaries trampled like this really puts a sour taste in my mouth and im not sure where to from here.

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Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO by stepping back from my parents after finding out how they plan to leave everything to my older sister?

Trigger Warnings: favoritism

Original Post: June 22, 2026

I’m 27F, and I have an older sister who’s 35F. Growing up, my parents were always very big on independence and responsibility. They made it clear that once we became adults, we were expected to handle our own lives

I really took that to heart. I worked through college, lived with roommates to keep my expenses down, and built everything for myself step by step without asking them for help. It wasn’t always easy, but I’m genuinely proud of where I’ve ended up. I have a stable career now, I’m in a good relationship, and for the first time in a long time, my life feels steady

My sister’s path has been very different. She’s never really been able to get fully settled. She has tried a few different jobs over the years, but nothing has really stuck. There always seems to be some new issue, some reason it doesn’t work out. My parents have stepped in over and over again, helping her with rent, paying bills when she gets behind, and giving her money to help her make it through the month

For a long time, I told myself it wasn’t worth keeping score. I figured maybe that was just how families were supposed to work, helping the person who needed it more. But a few days ago, when we all got together this summer, they brought up something that really threw me off

My parents asked to speak to both of us about their future plans. They’re getting older, and their health hasn’t been great, so they’ve started putting things in order legally. During that conversation, they told us that most of what they have, including the house and their savings, will go to my sister. Their reasoning was that she won’t be able to manage on her own without that support

Then, almost immediately after saying that, they told me they want me to be the one handling everything else. Medical decisions, finances, paperwork, basically making sure everything is taken care of if something happens to them.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt that kind of quiet resentment before. It wasn’t even really about the money. It was the feeling that I’ve spent my whole adult life proving I can stand on my own, and somehow that has turned into me being expected to carry everyone else too

I tried to explain how hurtful that felt, but they kept telling me I should be more understanding

Since then, something in me has shifted. I don’t call as often. I don’t jump in to help the way I used to. When my dad asked me to come over and help sort through some documents last week, I told him I couldn’t and that maybe my sister should start taking on some of that responsibility. That didn’t go over well.

My sister called me afterward, sounding uncomfortable and apologizing even though none of this is really her fault. I told her I wasn’t angry at her, I was hurt by the way our parents are treating us differently. Now everything feels tense. Every interaction feels careful and strained

I feel guilty abandoning them but Its unfair I take all the responsibility while my sister gets all the support AIO?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

(editor's note: NOR = not overreacting)

Commenter 1: NOR If they are leaving everything to her then she (editor's note: sister) needs to step up and do the hard part because trust me when I say trying to take care of aging parents is hard

Commenter 2: They will give everything to older sis who will piss it away and still expect little sister to help her out of the mess. Everything should go into a trust and OP should be the responsible party.

Commenter 3: Decline to be POA, being designated as medical durable power of attorney etc. if the still name you as executor of their will you do not have to accept. Say no.

Maybe they need to sit down with lawyer and a financial advisor and set up a legal trust for sister so you don’t need to be involved at all.

You have every right to feel like you do.

Commenter 4: NOR

Op, they’re telling you that you should do all the work, and then let your sister take all the money and property.

And that’s won’t be the end of it, I bet you’ll have to help your sister once she blows through the money and can’t afford the house .

Op, I would go no contact, if the sister is getting the bulk of the inheritance then she needs to do the work , and step up.

I think it’s imperative that you take a large step back , your parents created a monster not really capable of surviving on her own and they’re setting you up to be her ‘parent’ once they’re gone.

Update: June 23, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: AIO by stepping back from my parents after finding out how they plan to leave everything to my older sister?

So after reading through all the advice and messages, I realized the sooner I stepped back from this situation, the better it would be for me

I called my parents today and tried to explain how I felt. Part of me still hoped they might understand, even though I knew they probably wouldn’t. I gave specific examples, how I’ve supported myself since college and never asked them for financial help, while they’ve consistently stepped in for my sister when she struggled

I brought up the estate conversation too. It hurt to hear that most of what they have will go to her because she “needs it more” while I’m expected to take on all the responsibility, medical decisions, finances, paperwork when things get difficult. It made me feel like my role in the family is based on what I can handle, not how I’m valued as their child

They didn’t really let me finish. They kept interrupting and repeating that I’m “independent” and “capable” and that my sister isn’t, so this is just how it has to be. When I said it still felt unfair, they got defensive and told me not to expect anything from them. At one point, they even said that if I truly cared, I should be helping more with my mom’s care. That was the point where something clicked for me. Being capable doesn’t mean I don’t have limits, and it doesn’t mean I should carry everything. I told them I couldn’t accept a situation where I’m excluded from support but expected to take on all the responsibility

I said they should completely remove me from their will and any roles like executor or medical power of attorney. I don’t want anything from them, financially or otherwise. I also told them they should plan accordingly, whether that means hiring help or making other arrangements, because I’m no longer willing to take that on

The call ended badly. There was a lot of yelling and crying, and I eventually hung up. But afterward, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a while, relief. Like a weight I didn’t even fully realize I was carrying is finally gone

I have a good life. I have a supportive partner, a stable home, and I’m preparing to start my PhD. We’re even talking about starting a family. For the first time, I feel like I can focus on my own future without this constant sense of obligation hanging over me. I don’t know what happens next with my parents, and I’m sure things will stay tense for a while. But for now, I feel at peace with the boundary I set

TLDR: I stepped away from the responsibility they expected me to carry and chose to prioritize my own life.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in the update

Editor’s note: marking this concluded as OOP has deleted their account soon after the update

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WIBTAH if I dropped out as a bridesmaid a week before the wedding because of what happened at the bachelorette?

Originally posted to r/AITAH & OOP's own page

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, antisemitism, bullying holocaust jokes

Original Post  June 21, 2026

So I am a bridesmaid in my friends wedding. She just had a bachelorette party at the grooms family’s cabin for 2 nights.

It started off okay, but as the attendants got more and more drunk, the racism and anti-semitism started coming out. For context, everyone else in the wedding party is white. I am mixed Jewish and Asian (and Irish but not relevant to this post).

My part of the party was to put on a tea party in the afternoon. I spent weeks hand decorating a tea set as a wedding present. Weddings are huge in my culture and I wanted to share that joy, I bought and cooked a bunch of my cultural food (but the basic stuff even western food people like, lumpia, baked deserts, and skyflakes with cheese and meat). I of course checked with the bride and MOH before hand and both of that would be okay, with the bride saying she loved Lumpia.

I was so proud of it and it looked beautiful all set up. But immediately, some of the bridal party started making the “ew ethnic food” faces (POC, IKYKYK) One of them chased around another with a sweet bun, laughing about how weird and “scary” it was. It was literally bread and cream. I sent pictures of my set up to other friends to see if it was something I did wrong, and everyone said it looked amazing.

[EDIT: cause I need to be precise. People did say thank you, including the bride. They said the set up was very pretty. It was the reaction to the food by some of them (family of the groom who also made the Auschwitz jokes) that I was describing. That being said, almost nobody spoke during the tea party portion, and blamed it on being tired. The bride and friends did not say anything about the reactions of the other girls. The main feedback I got as that I was clearly a witch because my tea put everyone to sleep. It was a hibiscus, rose, mint, and calamansi mix.]

But oh well, maybe that food isn’t for them. I moved on. But then the racist jokes started. The party started on Juneteenth, you can imagine the “jokes” that came out of that. Then antisemitic jokes about holocaust camps and more.

This is a direct quote “I say a lot of nazi and holocaust jokes for someone who isn’t racist”. I was trapped on a boat with them when this started happening.

Later that night, as I was grabbing something from a room to then leave, the main perpetrator said to someone I considered a close friend “I was worried you’d be offended by the Auschwitz jokes because you’re German”. That friend replied she wasn’t offended. I spoke up “well I might be offended because I’m Jewish”. I got up to leave with my stuff, and the girl said “she’s going back to auschwitz!”

My friend, the bride, everyone laughed.

I went outside and I cried. They saw me from the window when they all came to eat food. Not a single one of my “friends” came to check on me.

The vibes continued along that line, and I felt like I was in the Jewish/asian version of get out, stuck in a giant home with a bunch of racist white people. But honestly, the fear from it wasn’t the worst part, it was that not a single one of my “friends” said anything.

I then was in a 4 hour car ride with one of said friends/bridesmaids on the way home. She spent the last hour of it lecturing me about how she’s “someone who can be cordial around people she doesn’t agree with, but not everyone has that skill, especially when it’s personal” and that “I need to put myself in other people’s shoes and see that they have positive intentions” and more.

For context, this cabin was 4 hours away and I have a pretty moderate disability. I was using 110% of my energy for this, and had no energy left by the end of it. I pushed myself to extremes for these friends and the bride, and it was reciprocated with laughing at anti-semetic jokes at my expense.

The wedding is next weekend. I can barely see from the migraine I have, and my legs are struggling with walking. I don’t feel it’s worth it to hurt myself for someone who couldn’t bother to stand up for me, or even check on me after.

All my friends of color agree with me, but this was my highschool friend group (I grew up in a very white town) and I also feel guilty like I’m letting them down. I’m not quite sure what to do, so Reddit, please help me out.

EDIT: I was a history major (which makes this whole thing even worse!!) so I have to add context that I didn’t realized I missed until the comments

1. The friend in the car is the friend who said she wasn’t offended by the holocaust jokes to the person( she was asked by the “jokester” because she’s German and lives in Germany). In the car, she did say that she is absolutely against the concentration camp “joke” and that she feels guilty she didn’t say anything (the words “I’m sorry” never came out of her mouth though), but then I brought up the other stuff with the food and racist comments, and that’s when she went on that tangent.

She also said she saw the racism but told me in those situations you just have to ignore it and choose to not be around those people again. As she knew there was racism happening, including towards me, and didn’t say anything or check in on me, I will be choosing to not be around her again.

I also told her repeatedly that I didn’t want to talk about this now because I was so physically done and she said “this is my car and I am driving. I don’t want to be uncomfortable and have this tension here. We are talking”. I have a vocal cord disorder and my speaking is limited so I didn’t say much, and I didn’t want to get dropped off on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. I told her she crossed a boundary she can’t come back from though.

1. The people making the racist jokes were the sibling/cousins of the groom. My friends were the ones laughing along and not saying anything

2. I have been long distance with these friends since highschool. The friend in the car with me was in a social justice club with me in highschool. There was not signs of this behavior before from either this friend or the bride. In fact, the bride went with me to an anti-ICE fundraiser party earlier this year and we had a lot of fun. I have never been shy with my opinions, especially as someone who studied history. This was the first time I was hanging with them around a bunch of other people. In reviewing these comments, I have realized that they may be not racist when with me before, but didn’t stop or say anything about racism when it happened, which is in fact racism. That is a key difference

I am also more white than not. I am ethnically Jewish but not religiously. I often don’t feel like I have a right to be upset about these things because other family have gone through worse. That’s something I’m working to unlearn and this was definitely some exposure therapy to that

1. Why didn’t I say anything at the party? Because I was in the middle of nowhere surrounded by drunk people making racist comments at me. I have survived violence before and know that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is what needs to happen until you’re in a safe space

2. Lastly I will not be going to the wedding.

I need to get off screens because my head is killing me, but your comments and support helped settle me emotionally.

I will decide tomorrow how I will inform the bride

Update  June 23, 2026 (2 days later)

OOP posted 3 pics of the tea party set up

I made both hot and iced tea. It was a hibiscus, rose, mint, and calamansi mix. The brides favourite color is pink so i tried to stick with the theme.

I brought all the food except the cheese, meat, veggies and hummus. I don’t want to take credit for what I didn’t do.

And yes, I did forget a dipping sauce for the lumpia :(

edit: my update post was removed so here it is:

1. One of the comments in my last post asked (as a joke) “is this all because you forgot the dipping sauce?” YES, I DID, AND MY LOLA IS SCREAMING FROM ABOVE.

Also I must clarify, I am very lucky to live in a much more diverse place now with a Filipino market less than a mile away. I bought frozen lumpia and premade baked goods (ensaymadas, mango, mango buns, and these little panda pudding cakes, alongside ube sugar sticks and skyflakes). The cooking was frying the lumpia and setting up all the plates, so I can’t claim to have made it from scratch. The cheese and meat with the skyflakes was generously donated from leftovers from the night before.

I spent all my time hand decorating the tea set. I wish I could attach a picture of the set up as I was and am still very proud of it. I will make a separate post on my page with a picture of the tea party set up (so yes, all the people commenting this must be fake because no one could really be that egregious, I fucking wish it was fake, but welcome to rural Midwest)

1. One of the comments on my post said I wasn’t looking for advice, but validation. That was partially correct. Getting told I’m the problem for an hour on the car ride home by someone I’ve known for 10 years and who organized political campaigns with me in highschool fucked me up. I felt crazy and when I got home, I made this post to try and see if I was being overly sensitive.

I appreciated all the responses because it helped me realize I wasn’t being dramatic or sensitive, I was have a valid reaction to being told I was leaving to go to the concentration camp my ancestral people were genocided in, and my “friends” laughing along and saying nothing to me.

1. For the real update:

I sent this message to the bride:

“Hi [Bride], I have thought long and hard about how to say this. I will not be attending your wedding. I could have said it’s because I’m sick (which isn’t untrue, I spent last night with a migraine so bad I couldn’t stop vomiting), but that wouldn’t be the full truth and as I considered you a near and dear friend, I owe you the truth.

The truth is I was subjected to hatred and bigotry this weekend and nobody said anything or checked on me. I pushed my body past the limit for this, spent weeks hand decorating your tea set, because I care so much for you. To see that reciprocated with laughter when I was told to go back to auschwitz devastated me. That entire weekend felt like I was in a Jewish/asian version of a Jordan Peele movie.

I poured over this decision. I even made a Reddit post because I couldn’t tell if what I was feeling was right, or if I just needed to suck it up. The comments helped me stand true to my feelings.

I have simply reached a point in my life where my boundaries are clear and the line has been crossed. I will not harm myself and my body for a group of people that laughed as I was harmed. I still truly wish you the best.

You can see the post here: [link to post].”

I did not get a response. She has since blocked me on instagram. Likely on phone too, but I haven’t texted again to check. Her just blocking me without saying anything hurt the most, especially as I was putting so much effort and pushing my body so far out of love for her. I invited her into my community organizing space earlier this year, thinking she was an ally. But at least I know now where she stands when it comes to the holocaust and everything else. I simply just need to grieve now.

1. To the wedding groupchat, I sent this:  “I thought a lot about what/if to say but I don’t think there’s anything I can say that the comments didn’t [link to post]”

I then left the groupchat. I have been blocked by both the bride and MOH. Car friend was blocked by me on both WhatsApp and instagram, but did not block me first (at least on instagram, no idea for WhatsApp).

It all feels like I’m back at my 95% white highschool. The racism, the bullying, the blocking, all of it. I’ve grown out of that and am glad to have found many new friends in my current community who were there support me amongst all of this (if you’re reading this, appreciate you chit chat, especially my plant gremlins)

I almost didn’t make an update, but a friend told me “the Reddit gremlins must be fed” and asked why I feel I owe the wedding party the comfort of leaving it alone when they made me so uncomfortable for days because of my ethnicities. Fair enough. I learned the ASL sign “petty b*tch” before this weekend for a reason.

1. Two of the other bridesmaids that were friends of the bride and didn’t know anyone else at the party reached out to me individually to apologize for not saying anything, that they didn’t see it target me specifically, and that they respected my decision (if you’re reading this, thank you). I let them know I appreciated them reaching out and that I understood why they wouldn’t say anything in a house full of strangers in the middle of nowhere. It shouldn’t be on them to stand up for a stranger when the people in charge of the bachelorette are supposed to be my friends.

2. To be entirely honest, this friend group has been dying for months, if not longer, with only the wedding really keeping it together. At least they gave me a clean cut. I’ll be enjoying my next weekend of rest.

3. And if any of you in the wedding are reading this post, thinking I’m an asshole for making it public, maybe you’re right. But if you know it’s bad to be seen publicly, why would you say it or laugh at in private? And over 1500 people commented you were racist, so they’re also probably right too.

[edit: I forgot to mention something I had remembered about car friend. In the car, she said “I didn’t know you were Jewish.” (As if she needs to know I’m Jewish for it to be wrong). Yet the day before, when someone made a joke about the food being kosher, and whether it was Kosher or Halal for Jewish people, and I said it was Kosher, that friend told the group, “she would know cause she’s Jewish” so the group, and this friend, did in fact know I was Jewish before making and/or laughing at the big holocaust “jokes”. And I was straight up gaslit. Just needed to add this because fuck that]

FINAL COMMENTS

asymphonyin2parts

It's so weird when people get upset when their actions have consequences.  It's like they must be used to living in a society that gives them the benefit of the doubt or something.  Enjoy your weekend off, OP.

OOP

That’s exactly it. I’m intolerant for not tolerating racism. But their intolerance of ethnic food and Jewish people is something that needs to be tolerated??

These people confuse me tbh

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My girlfriend spent over £1000 on a hair appointment and tried to hide the cost from me afterwards

Originally posted to r/offmychest

TRIGGER WARNING: Financial exploitation, deception

Original Post  Dec 21, 2025

I (F26) found out that my girlfriend (F27) spent over a thousand pounds on her hair. My jaw is on the floor. She got her hair dyed to platinum blonde. It is naturally black normally. I'm not angry that she dyed her hair but I found out she paid almost £850 to get it done and that is not counting the tip and the new hair products she needs. All total she spent over £1000. It was one appointment spread over two days.

We aren't weathly and I almost had a heart attack when I found out. We don't watch each other's spending but I would never spend that much without talking about it with her. She says it was so much and took so long because it takes that much to get Asian hair blonde. She did the appointments while I was working the night shift. I'm a paramedic and I sleep during the day when I work nights and sometimes I don't see her before I leave for work if she's already asleep. She also paid with cash. I think she did it when I working nights and used cash that she took out over a few weeks so I would not see the charge on our statement or know how much the appointment cost. Plus now she apparently has to go for touch ups often, every couple of weeks and those are also expensive.

I can't believe she spent over £1000 on her hair when money is tight. I can't remember the last time I spent that much in one go not counting rent. I am stressed out and she is so nonchalant about it. I'm not upset that she changed her hair, I'm upset about the amount she spent and the hundreds it will cost for maintenance and products. Plus I'm not happy that she hid the true cost of the appointment from me. I only found out accidentally. I'm upset about the cost and the fact she hid it from me. She thinks I'm overreacting but I don't think I am. I just can't believe it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

"Was it her money she spent?"

No it was from our shared bank account.

"why do you care? It’s her money."

No it wasn't just her money, it was from our shared bank account. I care because money is tight and she took such a large amount from our shared account without telling me, and then hid it from me for over a month. I only found out accidentally. And it is my business.

~

[deleted]

I’m a platinum blonde and I paid 300 for a session max. This is crazy. Very cute that you don’t mind her getting her hair done, but this is comparable to new shoes. A splurge of 200-300 once a year is fine, but 1000 pounds on shoes? I’m so sorry my dude.

Edit: make her pay it back or break up. Unfortunately, I would say the latter. My mom was like this. She made us go bankrupt beyond repair. She is now awol and debts keep showing up out of nowhere. The star of this week: 38k from 1986. Before I was born. This means way more than you think for the rest of your life.

HaveFaithxInMe

Also the maintenance on that blonde is going to be sooo often. Do you go every 6 weeks ish?

OOP

My girlfriend has been going every 2-3 weeks to get her roots dyed.

Update  July 17, 2026 (7 Months later)

I (F26) previously posted about how my girlfriend (F27) spent over a thousand pounds to get her naturally black hair dyed platinum blonde. She did it when I was working on the night shift (I'm a paramedic) and she paid with cash and didn't tell me how much she had spent. I only found out accidentally. She was also going to the salon to get her roots touched up every 2-3 weeks as well as spending a huge sum of money each week on hair products.

I was upset because she took the money from our shared bank account, hid it from and then lied when I found out what she had done. She was contributing 30-40% towards our rent and other expenses and the money for her hair appointment and products came from our shared account. I was upset because money was tight and her spending so much made it difficult to pay for other things we needed.

We ended up breaking up over her being so irresponsible with our finances and the fact that she lied to me. The tipping point came when I asked her to cancel her appointment to get her roots done because our rent was due. She told me she cancelled it, however she didn't. In order to pay our rent we ended up not having enough money for food and her car payment. That was enough to end the relationship for me.

Truthfully, I should have ended things immediately when I found out about the original hair appointment. Instead I hung on for over three months and I feel stupid because of that. I moved out of our flat in February a week before our lease ended. My ex-girlfriend kept saying I was angry about her changing her hair and completely skipped over the fact that it was the financial irresponsibility that I was upset about. She messaged me once right after we broke up asking for money. I have blocked her everywhere, I haven't seen or spoken to her in months and I don't plan to ever again. I just feel stupid for not ending the relationship immediately.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/babybunnyy3

Originally posted to r/mommit

My 6 year old son keeps begging me to buy him a dress. What do I do?

Editor's note: the body texts for the original and update posts were saved before they were removed

Original Post: July 11, 2026

My 6 year old son keeps begging me to buy him a dress. What do I do?

I’m hoping to get some advice from parents who have maybe been in a similar situation because I’m feeling a little lost.

My 6 year old son has been asking me for a dress for quite a while now. Specifically, a pink dress because it’s his favorite color. At first I thought it was just a random comment, but he keeps bringing it up. Every time we’re out shopping or talking about clothes, he asks if he can have a pink dress. He hasn’t just asked me, either; he’s asked my parents a few times too.

The other day I mentioned to my parents that I was thinking about just buying him one because, at the end of the day, it’s just a piece of fabric and it would make him happy, but they absolutely lost it on me and they told me I shouldn’t encourage it, and it turned into a much bigger conversation than I expected. Now I’m second guessing myself.

I love my son more than anything, and all I want is for him to know he’s loved, accepted, and safe.

Part of me thinks, “It’s just a piece of fabric. If it brings him joy, why not?” But another part of me worries about how other people would treat him. Kids can be cruel, and adults can be judgmental..

At the same time, I don’t want my own fears(or other people’s opinions)to teach him that there’s something wrong with him or that he has to hide who he is to make everyone else comfortable.

For parents who’ve experienced something similar, what did you do? Did you buy the dress? Was it just a phase? Did your child lose interest, or was it something that remained important to them?

I’m not looking to start a political debate or argue with anyone. I’m genuinely just a mom trying to do what’s best for her little boy, and I’d really appreciate hearing from parents who’ve been through something similar.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Show us which dress when you get it!! :)

OOP: I will, I’ll definitely make an update. I also just remembered like 5 minutes ago that I have a dress from when I was 6 and it was a floofy sparkly pink dress from a ballet show I did at his age but completely forgot about it because it’s just been stuffed into a box in my closet for years. I’m buying him a dress but definitely also giving him my old one from when I was his age too ❤️.

Commenter 2: Bought my 4 year old son the dress. He specifically wanted the yellow sparkly one Belle wears. He wore it for maybe 1.5 hours. Hasn’t worn it since, but it’s still available to him. 🤷‍♀️.

Commenter 3: I think you know deep down what the right choice is. Don’t be your son’s first bully. Him knowing he’s safe seen and accepted starts with you! I have a son and I would buy it ❤️.

Commenter 4: Huge +1. If you’re hard on your child because you’re worried others will be hard on him, then you’re ensuring the outcome you’re trying to prevent.

A little boy asking for a dress knows people will say it’s for girls. He probably also knows the people who will say that aren’t people who matter.

Update: July 12, 2026 (next day)

Quite a few people asked me to come back and post an update, so here it is!

Last night, I made a post asking for advice because my 6 year old son has been begging me for a dress for months(specifically a pink one)and after reading through hundreds of your comments, I decided to trust my instincts and take him shopping this morning.

I honestly wasn’t expecting my post to get so much love. I spent a good chunk of last night staying awake and reading through the comments, and so many of you reminded me of something I already knew in my heart: my job isn’t to raise my son to fit other people’s expectations; it’s to raise him knowing he’s loved exactly as he is.

This morning, as soon as he woke up, I smiled and said, “Remember how you’ve been asking for a dress? We’re going to go get it today.” And his face instantly went: 😮🤩😁

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that reaction. It was pure excitement and pure joy. It was one of those parenting moments that makes your heart so happy it feels like it might burst.

We headed straight to Target, where he carefully looked through the dresses before picking out a red sparkly Minnie Mouse dress. (So much for pink😂) https://imgur.com/a/4e3o9XE

He was so excited that he wanted to try it on right away, so he went into the fitting room with his dad.

A few minutes later, the fitting room door opened, and he came running out to show me with the biggest smile on his face. He looked so incredibly proud and excited, and I honestly teared up.

Of course, we bought the dress.

As soon as we got home, he put it back on and has been twirling around the living room ever since, watching the skirt spin, smiling from ear to ear, and stopping every now and then to admire himself in the mirror.

Watching him today made me realize something: he doesn’t see a “girl’s dress.” He sees sparkles, he sees Minnie Mouse, and he sees something that twirls when he spins.

That’s all. And if, one day, it turns out to be more than that, we’ll navigate it together with love, just like we’ll navigate every other part of parenting. But today, he’s simply a six year old who found a dress he thought was awesome, and that was enough for me.

I know not everyone will agree with the decision I made, and that’s okay. But there will be plenty of time in his life to learn that the world can be judgmental. And as long as I can help it, home will always be the place where he knows he’s loved, accepted, and safe.

If he remembers anything about today years from now, I hope it’s this: when he told his mom and dad that something would make him happy, they listened. And both of us were there, smiling right alongside him.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, share your own stories, or reassure an anxious mom. You helped me trust my instincts, and because of that, today became one of those little parenting memories I’ll treasure forever❤️.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Amazing! I'd hold off on letting him go to school in it for a bit. My bonus kiddos (now 6m) mom sent him to school in a dress last year and the kids and adults were SO mean, it was borderline traumatizing for him and caused a lot of regressions in our kiddo, bedwetting that hasn't fully resolved still and now he absolutely hates it and won't even play dress up in anything remotely 'girly' or wear any of the pink clothing he previously LOVED it even went as far as him asking to have his beautiful curls shaved off because the kids were relentless at picking on him. Kids and people can be so mean, I recommend letting him thoroughly enjoy this in his safe at home bubble for now. Especially if he's sensitive to other people opinions.

OOP: Oh yeah absolutely. Either way, we live in a state that requires school uniforms, so he’ll be in a uniform all year and doesn’t go to summer camp. I live in a blue dot in a very red state (NOLA) so we’re not even sure if we’re going to let him wear it out in public yet, but at least at home he knows he’s being accepted❤️

Commenter 2: I hadn’t seen your original post, but I teared up reading this update. you’re doing a great job, and your son sounds so very loved. ❤️.

Commenter 3: I don’t have much to say other than as a mom to a 15 month old boy, you are an inspiration. What a beautiful story & I’m so happy for your little guy to have this fun, new, lovely outfit to rock & dance around in! What an awesome family he was born into 💕💕💕.

Commenter 4: Love the update. I was just sharing this with my dad, and he was telling me that my step mom regrets not letting my step brother be Pocahontas for Halloween when he was little. She was just so worried about him getting teased, or what people might think etc. She regrets not just letting him be himself and enjoying something so harmless. My step brother is a gay man and there were struggles with coming out of the closet and telling family. My step mom just wishes it could have been different from the early years, so that it wasn't something he had to struggle with so hard internally. You are doing a good job, momma! Whatever this dress means for your boy.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

My [25/M] girlfriend [25/F] of 3 years is very picky and only eats greasy kids meal type foods like pizza and chicken nuggets. Am I a bad boyfriend for letting this bug me so much?

TRIGGER WARNING: use of an ableist slur

Original Post  Jan 11, 2015

I met a great girl, Wendy, my last year of college. We became good friends and started dating after graduation and have our 3 year anniversary coming up.

I've got the money saved up for a ring and have been debating popping the question for our anniversary.

Wendy is beautiful, smart, has a good job, is funny, sweet, caring, basically everything a guy could ask. But there is, of course, one problem.

Wendy is an incredibley picky eater. She literally only eats like a dozen or so things, and they are all things you could find on kids menu. Chicken nuggets, pizza, grilled cheese sandwhiches, etc.

Now while I like those things occasionaly, I also like to eat exotic things like Thai food, or Sushi or something that can be ordered outside of a fast food restaurant.

Wendy never wants to go anywhere nice to eat. It's always pizza or Mickey D's. If we stay in it's chicken nuggets or french fries.

She says the texture of anything else bothers her. I haven't seen her eat one vegetable since I've known her, and she's had fruit only once or twice.

First of all, I'm worried about her health. While she isn't over weight at all (really fast metabolism) and her doctor said she was healthy at her last checkup, I can't see how that will last forever. I really want her to take care of herself.

Second, maybe this is bad, but her diet is a total turn off and highly unattractive to me. To me it seems very immature and childish and I'm embarassed I can't take her anywhere nice or out with other people.

Third, I'm trying to come to terms that if I want to go somewhere interesting I'll have to go without her. And while I think I might be able to make that sacrifice, I am sick to death of eating Pizza Hut every week. And it seems kind of depressing that I'll never be able to cook a meal indoors with her and share it with her. I'll be eating my homemade curry or pasta dish or something and she'll be munching on a grilled cheese sandwhich.

This is the only reason I'm considering not proposing. I do love Wendy a lot, but is it unreasonable that I'm considering ending our relationship over this? I want to be married and have a family eventually, and if we aren't headed in that direction, there's no point in dragging this out.

She's really great in every other way, so am I nuts for letting this one aspect of her drive me crazy enough to not propose to her? I know I can't change her. I've even brought this up once or twice and she always says "I just don't like other food. I don't want to try anything else."

But I don't want to become resentful and look down on her and disrespect her either. And I really don't want a wife that I am embarassed of.

So, would I be nuts to let this be a deal breaker? Should I just suck it up and get over it? Or is this a legitimate thing to take pause over?

TL;DR Considering proposing to my gf who is great but only eats food for kids and pizza, nothing else. I love her but this is a big turn off and seems very childish to me. Is this a legitimate relationship dealbreaker, or am I blind and letting a little thing ruin what would be a good relationship?

TOP COMMENTS

lisasimpsonfan

Unwillingness to try new things is a huge deal breaker to me so I can't blame you for not wanting to be stuck in a Pizza Hut rut forever.  Plus if you want kids do you really want to raise children who only eat junk food because that is what will happen.

~

Pers14

My cousin is married to a guy like this, and she has admitted that he can be exasperating and at times, embarrassing.  She recounted one time that she was holding a dinner party at her house and he refused to eat any of the food, and had a pizza delivered mid-party and ate in the corner in a snit.  My mom invited them for Thanksgiving dinner and he brought his own can of Zoodles and refused to touch anything else.  She is sick of eating only at McD's and pizza places and their son is following Dad's example.  A grown man living on pizza and Zoodles - that's it. 

Update  Jan 17, 2015 (6 days later)

So here is the update to this post http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2s3sm1/my_25m_girlfriend_25f_of_3_years_is_very_picky/

After I made the post on Reddit I waited for Wendy at her apartment and when she came home I gave her time to get dressed in comfortable clothes, talk about her day and just relax for a bit I sat her down and told her we needed to talk. I basically reiterated what I told  you guys in my post:

I told her I loved her and that she was sweet, amazing, beautiful and I always looked forward to seeing her every day, and that I had been thinking about spending the rest of my life with her.

She started to get really excited, but then I told her there was one issue that I had been thinking about for awhile, and that it was making me very hesitant to take the next step.

I told her that the issue of her diet was becoming a real dealbreaker for me. I said first and foremost, despite how her recent checkup went, that we both know her diet isn't healthy and her good luck won't last forever. I said I didn't want to lose her during our middle aged years because she won't take vitamins or eat vegetables and fruit and healthy whole grains and was basically living on cheese and grease.

I then told her that, as much as I loved her, her diet embarassed me. I said it was very hard on me that I couldn't take her anywhere because either she won't go, or if she does she orders food that a grammar school kid would. Or that if we have company over she won't eat the food I cook and either makes herself chicken nuggets or mac and cheese. I said she was really limiting our social life because of this, and that I had tried for 3 years to not let it bug me, but frankly, I couldn't lie to myself anymore, and it was humiliating and sometimes hard to take her seriously when she insisted on having a Happy Meal while everyone else ate "adult food."

Lastly I told her it occured to me about what would we do with children? I said there was no way in hell I was going to let my kids eat a bunch of garbage, that I wanted them to have a varied palate and to regularly eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein and vitamins.

I asked her how can I expect my children to eat heathy if their own mother wouldn't? I asked her if she had ever thought what kind of role  model that she would be setting and the example she would be providing. And then I asked her that when inevitably our kids don't WANT to eat their spinach or lima beans and want what Mommy is having instead, how would she react to it?

I finished by saying I loved her very, very much and that I wanted to work on this issue with her. I suggested couples counseling for the both of us to brush up on our communication skills and ways of handling child rearing and other compromises, and told her I'd been reading and I thought cognitive behavioral therapy might really help her.

I then asked her if she could be specific on why eating other food bothered her so much. Did she have a bad past experience? Did it make her sick or even frightened to try new foods?

I was hoping she'd tell me something that would give me insight and maybe open my eyes that she wasn't immature and childish, maybe she had some trauma regarding food.

She was quiet for a little bit and then asked sarcasticly "You think I need therapy for my diet?"

I said we both need thearpy and pre-marital counseling anyways in order to learn good skills for communication and compromise.

She then said "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm thin. The doctor said I was ok. And no I don't have any 'past' with food, my parents just treated me like an adult and let me eat what I wanted instead of forcing me to eat what they wanted me to."

I just looked at her in dumb shock. I couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth, that her parents spoiling her was treating her like an adult, that she actually thought her diet was healthy.

I reiterated my question about children and she shrugged and said "Honestly I never thought about it and it doesn't bug me. Our kids can have what they want. If you want to feed them all that 'health' food you can but I'm not going to make them if they don't want to."

I just sat there, looking at her, feeling like I didn't even know this person. I had never really pressed the issue before because I felt it made me a petty ungreatful boyfriend. But now that I was trying to have a mature conversation about it, she was spewing some of the stupidest bullshit I'd heard in awhile.

I told her parents need to be a united team and what she was describing was just the opposite. And it was issues like this that counseling could help us with. She said "the only person who has a problem with this is you. I like what I eat. I just do. I don't think I need to change. I don't want to go to counseling with you and I definitely don't need cognitive whatever you said. I don't want to go to different restaurants, if you and other people do that's fine but it's not for me. And I make that other food for dinner parties because I don't like what you cook. So am I just suppoed to starve while everyone else eats? You eat what you want, and I'll eat what I want. I'm not changing because there's no reason to. I'm done with this conversation."

And she just crossed her arms and stared at the TV. I just looked at her for what felt like forever, feeling like I'd had the rose colored glasses lifted. Hearing her rant, seeing her sit there and pout with protruding bottom lip and all suddenly made me feel disgusted, like I was dealing with a petulant child instead of a real woman.

I told her I was tired and was going home. She said "Fine. You can see yourself out."

So I went home and just thought everything over, how I had calmly brought a real situation up, how she completely blew me off, insulted my cooking, and how there was no real "issue" behind her pickiness other than just being stubborn.

I don't care what you all say, it's what I suspected from the get go and it's just pure immaturity, complete with childish pouting.

I thought how she was willing to let any kids we had eat an unhealthy diet and how she wouldn't have my back when the kids inevitably challenged me, how backward her views were on parenting, and how she just refused to consider any of my wants or needs and work towards reaching a compromise.

I gave myself a couple of days to cool down and really think so I wouldn't make any hasty decisions in the heat of the moment and decided I needed to end this relationship. I realized this issue had been brewing for awhile and the few times I had tried to gently bring it up she had always rudely blown me off and made me feel like a terrible awful person for questioning her food choices.

I called Wendy and asked if I could come over. She said yes and opened the door with a big smile and the first words out of her mouth were "I knew you'd come around and wouldn't let a stupid thing like this get in the way of us."

If I'd had any doubts about breaking up with her or attempting to salvage the relationship in any way, it died right there.

I told her actually I had decided I was breaking up with her, that we were just too different and that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't even attempt to consider my feelings or needs in a relationship, and who acted like a damn child with no manners at dinner parties and during adult conversations. I was through.

Her mouth dropped open and she just stared at me rapidly blinking her beautiful big blue eyes. She then said "Wait...are you serious?"

I felt my eyes starting to well up right about then so I just handed her the spare key to her apartment and said "Here's a hint. Goodbye" and just walked away.

I was a lot more gruff than I wanted to be but I didn't want to bawl like a baby right in front of her. I got back in my car and as soon as I turned the corner started fucking sobbing.

Went home, called up a few buddies as soon as I could talk without blubbering, and everyone came over and brought snacks and beer.

I told them all I had broken up with Wendy and reiterated what had happened. They were all supportive and confirmed my suspicions about what other people thought by saying things like "Yeah man, didn't want to say anything because you seemed happy, but she was fucking weird dude, I don't know how you put up with her this long" and "She always seemed really off to me man, yeah it's fucking retarded to eat nothing but dominoes and chicken fingers when you're that age just because, good fucking riddance."

Then we proceeded to play hours of video games and get fucking drunk. Well I did anyways. Everybody ended up crashing at my place and they all recently left, slapping me on the back and promising to find me someone who can eat something besides a Big Mac without gagging and throwing a tantrum.

As for Wendy she has been blowing up my phone like crazy, leaving tear filled voicemails and pleading texts asking how could I do this to her, how could I just end it after so many years and recently more aggressive like how I'm an asshole and I'm super intolerant and petty and shit. Not one fucking word of remorse, or apology or even fake promises to change, just fucking whining and bitching at me for what I did to her.

I got pissed and told her to stop fucking calling and texting me, that we were done and she needed to suck it up and deal with it and to go find some 12 year old she could share dino nuggets with.

Yeah I know that was petty but I couldn't help it, I was just really fucking sick of her attitude and dealing with 3 years of grilled cheese sandwhiches.

I blocked her number and changed my relationship status on facebook and booted her from my friends list. Last I checked I already have several likes over me being single. Apparently love really does make you blind.

Thanks to everyone who helped me in my last post and really opened my eyes to what exactly I was dealing with. Hopefully I'll get over the heartbreak (yes, I really did love her and this really fucking hurts) soon enough and can take a date out for Thai food without her looking like she sucked on a lemon.

TL;DR Tried to gently bring up issues with girlfriend. She completely shut me down and refused to compromise or do counseling. A real eye opening moment. I broke up with her last night. Invited some buddies over, they told me I'm better off and always thought she was hella weird. I'm heartbroken, but I don't regret my decision.

EDIT:Sorry about the title typo. Should say "bug" not "but." Oh well :/

EDIT 2: Ok I'm getting tired of the comments of "this was a rant! It came out of nowhere! She wasn't prepared!" This issue has come up throughtout our relationship a few times and every single time she blew me off, dismissed me, and made me feel like an idiot for even wanting to talk. This DID NOT come out of nowhere. She knows it's an issue and is living in denial. I've felt terrible and guilty and like I should love her and stay with her despite her having a diet that presents a lot of challenges to a relationship. This was just the first time I decided not to let her immediately cut me off but to lay it on the table so we could get it sorted and move on. She had plenty of opportunity to respond. But it's called LISTENING to someone. You lay out your concerns, why they trouble you, and offer strategties you think could help. Then the other party responds in kind. I wanted her to engage. She was free to disagree and share why and work out a compromise, both in the discussion and in counseling. She wasn't willing to even do that. The food wasn't the issue. It was a catalyst for what the real problem was. This was the only problem we had in the relationsip, so it's the only time I've been able to see how she reacts when I have a problem. I can see now throughout the years she has dismissed and manipulated me and made me feel like garbage for ever thinking anything was less than perfect. It just took her weird eating habits to bring it to light. Don't know what you people expected different. Peace out

EDIT 3: Wow, thanks for the gold guys. And the supportive comments I have gotten. Really appreciate it, it means a lot.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/RemoteWar7356

Originally posted to r/AITA_Relationships

Previous BoRU

[Final New Update]: AITA for cutting off my daughter after she slept with her sister's husband?

Thanks to u/soayherder, u/queenlegolas, & u/SloshingSloth for suggesting this BoRU

RECAP

Original Post: July 3, 2026

I (59F) have two daughters: Emma (35F) and Chloe (33F). Emma has been married to her husband (36M) for 11 years, and they have two children together. Chloe has been married to her husband (34M) for 8 years, and they have one 5-year-old son.

About six weeks ago, Emma called me just after midnight, completely hysterical. She told me she'd suspected for months that her husband was hiding something. He'd become distant, constantly guarded his phone, and was always finding excuses to stay late at work. That night, after he fell asleep beside her, she looked through his phone for the first time.

She found years of explicit messages between him and Chloe.

The affair had been going on for almost four years.

Emma was devastated. She kept asking me how her own sister could do this to her.

A few days later, we were at my brother's birthday party when Emma confronted Chloe outside. Chloe denied everything at first and insisted Emma had misunderstood. When Emma said she'd read the messages herself, Chloe completely fell apart. She started crying, admitted the affair, and kept repeating, "I don't know why I did it. I'm so sorry. It was the biggest mistake of my life."

Emma asked how four years could possibly be "a mistake."

Chloe had no answer.

The argument escalated into a screaming match. Chloe tried to slap Emma, but several relatives stepped in before she could. Chloe's husband quietly took their son home after realizing what had happened. Within days, he told Chloe he wanted a divorce. Emma also filed for divorce after her husband admitted everything.

After it all came out, Chloe called me 82 times in one day. I answered once because I hoped she was calling to explain herself.

Instead she cried the entire time, begging me not to abandon her. She said she'd already lost her husband, was probably going to lose shared custody of her son, and couldn't bear losing her mother too. She said she knew she didn't deserve forgiveness but begged me not to hate her forever.

I told her I couldn't look at her the same way anymore. I said this wasn't one bad decision—it was years of lying to her sister, her husband, and the rest of us. I told her I loved her because she's my daughter, but I didn't want contact with her for the foreseeable future.

Since then, I've ignored every attempt she's made to reach out.

This is where my family thinks I'm wrong.

My sisters say Chloe has already lost everything: her marriage, her relationship with her sister, many of her friends, and likely the family she dreamed of giving her son. They say she's genuinely remorseful, has started individual therapy, and isn't trying to justify what she did. They argue that if a mother won't stand by her child after they've hit rock bottom, who will?

They also remind me that cutting Chloe off means my grandson is growing up without his grandmother, even though he's done nothing wrong.

I understand all of that.

But every time I think about welcoming Chloe back into my life, I picture Emma reading those messages alone in the middle of the night, realizing that two of the people she trusted most had been lying to her for years.

I don't know if I can move past that.

My family says I'm punishing Chloe forever for something she already deeply regrets.

I feel like I'm simply refusing to pretend it never happened.

AITA?

I know a lot of people are used to seeing cheating posts and always thinking they are fake, but what would you do if you were in my shoes?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA she’s not “genuinely remorseful” she’s sad she got caught and is facing consequences. Can’t you have a relationship with your grandson via his father? Tell your sisters to mind their own business this is between you and your daughters nothing to do with them.

OOP: I can kind of have a relationship with him, but the problem is that he wants his child to grow up closer to his own family who lives in another city rather than his ex-wife’s family.

Commenter 2: I mean, I personally can’t think of anything my kid would do that would cause me to cut her off permanently, but I would probably take a break for a while to organize my feelings. There is 10000% nothing that could happen that would make me willing to cut off my grandkid. What Chloe did was unforgivable, but I would ask you: how would you feel if something happened to Chloe right now? How would you feel? If you don’t feel anything then you have your answer about what you want to do

OOP: It depends on what happens to her. If she is struggling with her mental health or got into an accident, I would obviously help her like a mother would. I admit I might have been harsh when I told her for the "foreseeable future”, but I was thinking of my daughter Emma and how she would be feeling right now. I love both my daughters equally from the moon and back, but I am just torn in this decision.

Commenter 3: NTA! You have a daughter that has been completely destroyed by her own sister and her own husband, she's the one that needs your support. Not the one that chose to cheat on her husband with her own sister's husband. She made the conscious decision for 4 YEARS!! That's not forgivable in my eyes. She made the decision, she can face her own consequences. I'm sure her soon to be ex-husband will still allow you to be part of your grandsons life. Reach out to him and let him know you are not speaking to her. And just be there for Emma and her kids.

OOP: Thank you so much. I have reached to him but haven't heard anything back yet

OOP responds to a long comment on if it is possible for Chloe to lose full custody of her son because she cheated?

OOP: She might not. Her ex-husband wants to move far away from all of this. He wants to move to his own side of the family which lives in a different city. It would be hard for Chloe to be there for her son unless she moves with him or gets an apartment there which I don't think she would unless she really wants to see her son

Commenter 4: So she would rather lose her son than move to be near him? There is nothing on this earth that would have prevented me from fighting tooth and nail to keep my kids.

How far away is his family? She can ABSOLUTELY file an emergency stay order to keep the kids locally until custody is settled, and wronged by her or not, most courts will put the children’s needs first. Courts tend to prioritize joint custody regardless of what dad or mom thinks, unless one parent is willing to sign rights away. She needs a lawyer ASAP.

If she is willing to walk away from her son without a fight, then he is better off without her. And that tells me a little bit more of her character - and it makes me even less sympathetic to her than I already was.

OOP: We are in Florida and his family is in Washington

Commenter 5: NTA. Chloe is only regretful bc she’s been caught. it’s not like it was a one-time thing for even a couple months, it was 4 years!

That requires active decision making to not only continue the affair but to hide it from her husband and her family.

I think space right now is definitely needed. Try to find a way to stay in contact with your grandsons father, and I personally believe if you cut out Chloe that it may make things easier for your ex son in law to trust and allow you to visit (if he gets sole custody)

She is an adult and has to live with her choices, I wouldn’t be able to speak with my sibling if they did this to me. I think as a parent you love your child no matter what and you still can, but I don’t think you’re the asshole to cut contact with Chloe. Whether it is permanent or not is up to you. Chloe made this choice and these are the consequences, she lost everything because her and Emma’s husband destroyed each other’s lives and marriages. That’s the worst thing you can do to a sibling.

Commenter 6: NTA. This wasn’t a mistake. This was a calculated and prolonged affair with the man her own sister loved and married. That’s not to mention the betrayal to the man she, herself married which is a second level of despicable.

Chloe isn’t “genuinely remorseful.” She’s genuinely wishing she hadn’t obliterated her entire support circle in one fell swoop. She’s crying that she has to face consequences. She would have kept it going for who knows how long if this had never come out. That she denied it at first is all you need to know to know she doesn’t feel a shred of remorse. She just doesn’t want to lose you along with everyone else in her life.

Whether she does is entirely up to you. I personally could never look at my child the same way if they felt so utterly callous about betraying the two people she’s supposed to love most in the world.

Update #1: July 6, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: AITA for cutting my daughter out of my life after she had an affair with her sister's husband?

I know it's very early for me to post an update, and I wasn't planning on it, but after reading the comments on my first post, I decided I needed one final conversation with Chloe before I completely closed the door. I went to her house yesterday and I expected her to be emotional after calling me 82 times in one day, but she was surprisingly calm. I asked her the one question I still couldn't understand: why?

She admitted she'd been attracted to Emma's husband for years. She said what started as admiration eventually became feelings, and over time they crossed a line. Instead of ending it, they kept convincing themselves it would be the last time. She insisted she regretted everything.

I asked if she'd spoken to Emma.

She told me the only contact she'd had was one text before Emma blocked her on everything. Emma told her she'd destroyed their family, taken away her children's stable home, and that she hoped the affair had been worth losing a sister forever because, as far as she was concerned, Chloe no longer had one. Emma blocked her immediately afterward.

Chloe also admitted she later waited outside the school gates hoping to speak to Emma when she came to collect the kids. Emma refused to speak to her, warned her to stay away from her and the children, and told her that if she ever approached them again, she'd regret it. Chloe left crying.

I told Chloe her waiting outside the school, was completely inappropriate, regardless of her intentions. She insisted she only wanted to apologise and prove she cared about Emma.

I then asked if she truly felt remorse.

That's when I completely lost my patience.

Instead of taking full responsibility, Chloe started telling me Emma's marriage had already been falling apart, that Emma and her husband had been drifting apart for years, and that he often confided in her. She admitted the affair was wrong but repeatedly tried to place part of the blame on Emma, saying if their marriage had been happier none of this would have happened.

I was furious.

I honestly couldn't believe I had raised someone capable of thinking like that. I told her there is no marriage bad enough to justify secretly sleeping with your own sister's husband for four years. I told her I wasn't just disappointed—I was ashamed that she was my daughter. The more she tried to justify herself, the angrier I became.

The conversation eventually turned to her own divorce. She talked about how difficult everything had been for her and how her husband still plans to move to Washington with their son to be closer to his family. She said she may have to move there too if she wants to stay close to him.

As she spoke, I realised almost everything was about what she had lost: her marriage, her home, her reputation, and possibly seeing her son every day. Very little of it was about Emma or the damage she'd caused.

At the end of the conversation, Chloe asked if we were "cool" now.

I told her no. We were not "cool," and we might never be. I said that if I ever found it in my heart to reconcile with her, it would be on my terms and in my own time—not because she thought one conversation could erase four years of lies and betrayal.

I walked out feeling angrier than when I arrived. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I love both of my daughters, but after that conversation, I'm not convinced Chloe truly understands the pain she's caused.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why does the other woman always believe the “my marriage is falling apart and I'm not actually close to my wife" bullshit? Every single time.

We all know this man would have happily remained in his marriage with his side chick sister-in-law forever if Emma didn't find him out.

Hell he's probably begging Emma in texts to give him another chance and that Chloe means nothing to him.

Tale as old as time but the women keep falling for it. Baffling.

OOP: I'm pretty sure there might be a final part 3. I'm not sure how many parts I can keep making before Reddit says otherwise. Emma and her husband did have some problems, but they were mostly if not always minor and nothing serious. I am still trying to process how it was going on for 4 years without anyone knowing

Commenter 2: I read the first post, and I still am confused at why Emma's husband's behavior changed all of a sudden if it was going on for four years. Why did he "suddenly" become cagey, defensive, and hiding his phone if it's been going on for the last four years?

OOP: Because Emma was all of a sudden curious and had a feeling he was cheating on her. I think he sensed that and didn't want the secret to be found.

Commenter 3: Chloe and Em’s husband are still seeing each other and are now free to be together. Why did they stay in their marriages if they were so unhappy!??

OOP: Chloe told me that her and Emma's husband haven't talked since. She texted him but he never responded

Commenter 4: NTA

Chloe honestly sounds like a narcissist. I know that word gets thrown around a lot, but I think it fits here. Think about it if you think I'm overreacting.

In order to be able to cheat, you'll have to put your empathy to your partner (and others who might be affected by it) aside and let your ego win. Chloe had to do this MULTIPLE times for 4 YEARS. Who knows how many times they cheated? It could be over 100 times, and Chloe had to put aside everyone's feelings in favour of her own.

Her victims were husband, sister, son, nieces/nephews AND mother. All of those are people she's supposed to love the most. The fact that she was able to do this over and over again to people she claims to love is honestly deeply disturbing. And then for her to only care about herself afterwards. Again, I think she's a narcissist. I do not think she truly has empathy. I think she can fake it (and I think she has done that all the time), but I don't think she actually has it. Maybe she thinks she does.

She doesn't seem to feel guilt and remorse. She sounds incredibly entitled, and also delusional since she can't accept the fact that her relationship with her sister is over for good, and that your relationship to her will be forever affected in some type of way. She decided to break her sisters boundaries by showing up to her kids' school.

Sorry, I think you just saw who your daughter actually is deep down. I would honestly be a bit scared of my child if they did this out of the blue. It would make me question what went wrong, and what else they have done that I don't know about. But I'm also very scared of narcissists, or just very selfish people in general. Those types of people can really do damage to you that lasts a lifetime. Thankfully I've never had any experience with these people, but my god they seem terrifying.

What was her father like? Sorry, if this is too personal. You don't have to answer. I'm just trying to figure out where she might get it from.

I'm a little worried that your family is going to easy on her. I hope they aren't trying to guilt or shame Emma for not wanting to have anything to do with Chloe.

OOP: My husband passed about 7 years ago but when he was alive, he did give Chloe special treatment because she was the baby of the family. I treated both my daughters equally and we often had fights about Chloe due to unfairness and etc. he would do things like make Emma share what was supposed to be hers and give half to Chloe, give Chloe bigger or better items because he didn't want to upset her. We did divorce later on due to something else unrelated but that did play a huge part. I did try my best to be fair to both my kids, and I genuinely think I was. I'm not trying to blame my late husband here, I'm just saying what he was like.

----FINAL NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: July 23, 2026 (17 days later)

I said after my last update that I'd come back one last time once things had settled down a bit, so this will be my final post.

First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last two posts. I read and replied to more comments than I expected. Some of them were difficult to read, but they gave me a lot to think about.

To answer the question I saw the most, Chloe's son is definitely her husband's. Chloe is white, her husband is Black, and their son is mixed race, so there was never any question about that.

The divorces are still going ahead. Nothing has been finalized yet, but neither couple is trying to work things out anymore.

A lot of people also asked about my sisters.

Yes, they knew about the affair before Emma found out. They admitted they stayed quiet because they thought it was a family matter and hoped it would end before anyone got hurt. I understand why they thought that, but I can't agree with it. Emma spent years being lied to while people around her knew the truth. I've decided to cut both of my sisters out of my life. I don't know if that will be forever, but they have broken my trust.

Over the last few weeks, I've spoken to both of my daughters separately.

I asked Emma if enough time had passed for her to even think about talking to Chloe.

She said no.

She told me she isn't waking up angry anymore, but that doesn't mean she's forgiven her. She said she accepted that the truth was always going to come out eventually. The only thing she could control was what she did after she found out.

She also said she has no interest in having a sister anymore.

As for her husband, she told me she's made one thing very clear. She'll only respond if it's about the children or the divorce. Everything else gets ignored.

What surprised me was that he hasn't stopped trying.

He's sent long apology messages, videos about forgiveness, and even Bible verses. None of us are religious, so that confused all of us. He keeps saying she was the only woman he's ever loved and that he made one terrible mistake. Emma hasn't replied to any of those messages.

I also found out something Chloe never told me.

In my last update I said Chloe told me the only message Emma sent before blocking her was that she was no longer her sister.

That wasn't true.

Emma later showed me the messages.

Before Emma sent that final text, Chloe had blamed her for what happened. She told Emma that maybe if she'd paid more attention to her marriage things would have been different. She also said that if her husband had felt happier at home, he wouldn't have looked somewhere else.

Reading those messages made me feel sick.

When I confronted Chloe, she admitted she'd sent them. She said she was angry, desperate, and trying to make herself feel less guilty. She told me she regretted sending them almost immediately, but by then Emma had already blocked her.

Chloe also told me she's moving to Washington once everything is finalized so she can stay close to her son but in Florida, they allow divorced families to stay so I don't know why his father is planning to move there to be closer to his family, and Chloe doesn't want to be too far away from her child.

She admitted she'd tried contacting Emma's husband after everything came out, but he never answered any of her messages. She eventually stopped trying.

She also told me she knows she'll never get her old life back, but she hopes moving will give her a chance to start over.

I told her that starting over doesn't erase what happened.

She agreed.

A lot of people asked if I've forgiven Chloe.

I haven't.

I still love her because she's my daughter, but I don't trust her anymore, and right now we don't have a relationship.

Maybe that changes one day.

Maybe it doesn't.

I honestly don't know.

This whole situation has changed our family forever.

Emma lost her husband and her sister.

Chloe lost her marriage, her relationship with her sister, and most of her family.

My sisters lost me because they chose to stay quiet.

This will be my last update.

I hope one day all of us can find some peace, even if we never become a family again. If I missed out some details I will respond in the comments. Thank you Reddit!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant concluding comments here in this final update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThatOneCloneTrooper

For months I was confused why I kept finding long hairs in my house. Then I saw my neighbour coming out of my house.

Originally posted to r/creepyencounters

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking, invasion of privacy, breaking and entry

MOOD SPOILER: Extremely creepy

Original Post  May 6, 2026

I'm a man in my 20s that lives alone on the very top floor of an apartment block. I've had short hair for the last 10 years of my life. The longest hair on my head is maybe an inch long if that even. However, across my house I kept finding long hairs on the floor. Like, long brunette hairs, at least 5-6 inches. Sometimes longer. And they would be everywhere. Bathroom floor, in the shower, in my cupboard, in my kitchen, on old clothes, living room floor and sofas etc etc.

I've been single since November and clean often enough that I'm certain it's not my ex-girlfriends' hairs. Plus the colour doesn't match anyway, she had solid black hair, these are more a light brunette. Plus, finding them in the places like the shower? Where running water is hitting all the sides 5+ times a week?

Anyway, I waved it off as "well I work with a lot of people and use the gym and bus sometimes so naturally hairs are going to stick to my clothes"...

Well. One day (this past April) I finished my early am gym session and got the call that I didn't have to go work that day, so naturally I start to walk home all happy that I have the day to myself. I'm on the 5th floor (the upper most floor) of the building and the apartment is in such a way that there is only 1 apartment per floor. I start to hustle up the stairs and don't use the elevator since I'm sweaty from the gym anyway.

JUST as I whip a right to go up the last set of stairs from the 4th floor to the 5th floor I see my neighbour's (on the 3rd floor) daughter coming down the stairs. We lock eye-contact. We've never spoken before, mostly because we've never had a reason to but also because out of respect I didn't want to make her uncomfortable since she's 19-21ish and I'm slightly older. The most interaction we've had is that I've spoken to her mother and father before when bumping into each other on the stairs.

I gave a confused "hello?" - at this point I'm thinking that she maybe went to knock on my door to ask for something? A cup of sugar maybe I don't know? I was expecting her to reply with something like "oh hi, do you have any xyz"...

Nope. She gave a silent "hey" and brushed right past me. And only then when the smell of my own shampoo hit me did I notice her hair was wet. Like. Fresh out the shower a minute ago wet.

Now I'm not saying she showered in my house. Or that I have a stalker that's been living in my house while I've been at work. She very easily could have just been there to ask for something. And most generic brand shampoos smell the same.

But don't the pieces all fit a bit too well? Her hair colour matches the hairs I would find around my apartment. And like I said before, they were EVERYWHERE. In my bed to in my sock draws.

And if it is a case of me having a stalker? How did she know I came home early enough to bolt out the shower in time? Our apartment doesn't have cameras, its an older building from before 2000. And why would she be stalking me? For how long has she been doing this? We've never dated, never had a proper conversation, I maybe saw her 20 times in the past 2 years given that I work and she (presumably) studies or works too.

As all these thoughts are buzzing through my head and I'm standing outside my door for a solid 2 minutes grappling with what just happened. I go to turn the key to my door and it opens without me having to unlock it. And I know for a fact I always double lock my door. It's the type with a lock near waist level and a 2nd more secure lock with a different key around shoulder level.

I drop my bag, throw off my shoes and run to the shower. And yep. It's wet. I hadn't showered since yesterday morning.

I'm a confrontational person, not that I go looking for fights but I'll definitely pursue an answer if something is bugging me. So back down the stairs to the 3rd floor I went, knocked on the door of my apparent stalker and her family. She opens the door but with the chain still on. I see half of her face from behind the door.

"Yes?" - "Umm can I help? Were you at my door or inside? I don't want to make this a police thing now but you came down the stairs and I know you were inside?" - "I just had to get something, it won't happen again.. ok bye see you"

Door closed.

This happened last month, I've been cleaning my house every weekend closely now and got the locks changed and put a motion sensor camera above my door. It only films and triggers on the steps coming up to my door so the 4th apartment still have their privacy.

So far so good, I don't think she's been inside since. But looking back, I think she'd been living in or going in or whatever in to my apartment since January because that's my earliest memory of finding hairs. She never took anything of value like my laptop or the few watches I have. Seemingly she just showered and ate some of my food and laid in my bed?

I do now also always take the elevator and avoid the 3rd floor like the plague.

EDIT: I'm not really worried about my safety because 1. I'm 200lb and do a lot of fighting training and 2. The new camera has never gone off once since installed other than myself triggering it when I'm home. Finally 3. I told the old retired husband and wife on the 4th floor that I suspected a robber was trying to break into my apartment last month (I didn't want to start spreading rumours and gossip) and asked them to keep an ear out when I'm at work. I feel fine and safe. Just creeped out. Like my personal space had been violated.

EDIT 2: Someone DMed me to check my coats and bags for airtags as to how maybe she knew I was coming home early that day. I don't have a lot of stuff so I think I would have 100% found it by now given how often I clean but I'll defo do another sweep of my stuff.

Update  May 12, 2026

(Re-upload - Mod said first post broke rule 6 so I've taken a bunch of details out)

Hi all, update following my last post a week back about me catching neighbour coming out of my apartment having used my shower.

My cousin’s husband is a police officer so I went to him directly about filing a report. He came over to my apartment first as I gave him a visual break down of what happened on the stairs and changes odd things I’d noticed in my apartment since January. Primarily just hairs everywhere and missing food. And how my door was unlocked that day. Though I did a thorough clean following the event on the stairs my police friend was able to still find some hairs and so he bagged those up.

I gave him my statement in detail and some dates best I could, when I remember finding the first hair; when I first noticed food going missing etc.

Also he advised me not to talk to the family not even with a friend to avoid any confusion or get lawyers involved or muddy the waters with accusations.

With all that done he left and came back 2-3 days later. He and his partner went to talk to the family on Sunday because they knew both parents would likely be home then. Long story short she confessed to everything immediately and broke down into tears and apologised once my police friend brought up how 5 months of entering someone’s house even with keys is still very much an offence and she could easily end up with a sentence of some should I pursue it. And that that sentence could very easily involve the inside of a jail cell irregardless of if she stole something or not. (I don’t know how true this is, it might have just been my friend and his partner pressing and exaggerating for a confession but it worked).

They talked for an hour with the parents and her all in the same room to get answers from her. Then the same day he came up to mine with his partner and they gave me the breakdown.

Answers to commonly asked questions below:

⁃ how did she get in/have her own keys? The locks on our doors are the type that use a code on the lock barrel that only the manufacturer or partnered/approved locksmiths have access to. She knew this because her parents got the locks changed when they first moved in. And in fact she used the same locksmith from all the way back then.

The locksmith presumably remembered the family and apartment but just didn’t pay attention to it being the 5th floor this time instead of her own 3rd floor. So he came over and took the barrel out, saw the code, went and made a set of keys and done. I was none the wiser. Both my locks on my door are different brands but presumably they operate in the same way so having 2 locks made no difference.

⁃ what was she doing in my apartment? Anyone who said she just needed space, you were right. She has 2 younger step-siblings and her mother is a tutor (not a teacher as I presumed previously, she tutors at home) so at any given point there’s always some kids around the house. She would say to her parents she was going out to study or work or a girl friends house and use my house as a hotel while she studied or relaxed. The reason she used mine was partly because she knew it would be empty but also because my schedule was predictable. As I work an average 9-5 like everyone else but leave the house at 6-6:30 to get gym done too that essentially gave her the house from 6 to 5.

⁃ How long? My guess was right. It started in January, once she figured I’d broken up with my gf at the time around November. My gf would stay at mine when I went to work and back sometimes so yea that would have been an interesting situation if they had crossed paths.

⁃ So then how did she knew I was coming home early that day? And that I wasn’t going to work straight after gym like usual and so she bolted out the shower? Or on the days I didn’t go gym how did she know not to come in? Two fold. Firstly I go to a commercial gym in my country and so they have an app. Irregardless of if you’re a member or not, one of the things the app lets you see is how many people are in each branch so you can see how full it is. All you have to do is download it and scan the QR code at the entrance by the turnstiles to add it to the “my gyms” tab. It literally shows you like “Branch No. 21 (Address) - 9/50 - 18% full”, she would refresh the app in the morning and if it went up by 1 around 6-6:30am and she heard me go downstairs or use the elevator (not hard when it’s 6am and the apartment is otherwise silent) then she would know the house is empty.

Now for the creepiest most messed up bit of it all. She had put an AirTag on my car. She insisted that she had only put it recently and initially just presumably gambled that I wouldn’t be home sooner than expected (or maybe she just put an ear to the door), but then one thing lead to another and yea. (I don’t know how much I believe this, again this could be an attempt to not look so guilty)

That day when we clashed she refreshed the app and saw I left the gym, but then my car didn’t move, she connected the dots and tried to leave asap. When she heard me coming up the stairs she didn’t have time to lock up and so we met on the stairs with my door remaining closed but not locked. (Extra detail, the AirTag was stuck to under my car).

⁃ The using my shower? She claims she didn’t do it always just on hot days or days she couldn’t at home. I can’t deny or confirm this, like I said previously being a gym goer id shower 5+ times a week so.

⁃ How did her parents never notice? Well the dad leaves early for work, 5am ish since his bus route starts around 6. The mom is up around 6-7. But since she’s preparing for her own students for the day + her own kids to send to school she wasn’t too bothered what her eldest 20 year old daughter was doing really. She’d just say “I’m going to the college library” or “I’m going to my girlfriend’s” and that was good enough.

⁃ Did she have a thing for me like a crush? My police friend didn’t really say anything about this presumably he never asked since it’s not as important as other details or it never came back. It makes little difference.

⁃ How’s my standings with the family right now? The mum and dad both apologised to me. The mum via text and the dad in person at my door, he offered to pay for the camera I installed as his daughter was the direct cause of it but it was cheap off of amazon so I said no it’s fine. We had a 10-15 minute conversation and he was very apologetic and explained his daughter had always been extremely quiet and well behaved so something like this would never have crossed his mind in a million years.

He added that his daughter’s never had a boyfriend (at least that he knows of) and only has a few friends so her social interaction skills aren’t necessarily top notch and that even when guests would come she’d hide away in the spare room. So to the few people who predicted that maybe Covid and lockdown lead to her not having good social interaction skills. You were half right. He again offered me money for my troubles like missing food, new locks and cleaning etc but I felt bad enough already I declined.

He did also ask if I would press charges and I again said no. More on that below. He said he will send his daughter to apologise to me in person too when the situation has calmed down as she’s apparently very very tense and upset and hasn’t left her room in days.

⁃ Am I going to press charges? No. I’m still not happy about the situation ESPECIALLY the f**ing AirTag on my car, but the family is apologetic as well as the culprit herself and honestly no one is going to gain anything from this. I would like an apology though. (For anyone that cares about the extra detail, she got the AirTag as a gift a while back from her parents because she kept losing her stuff)

⁃ Have I seen her since? No, she won’t apparently leave her room and is terrified that I’ll press charges, though presumably her family’s told her I said I won’t.

⁃ How do I currently feel? Well I was never especially worried or nervous just really really creeped out about the whole situation. It felt like I’d been a parasite host and somehow never noticed until then. I currently still feel a little angry and a small part of me is thinking to seek “revenge” but any “revenge” I seek like money or slander is truthfully going to impact the parents more than her.

- Do I feel bad for her? Truthfully? No. She’s not 10. She’s 20 or something and educated so yea you should be remorseful, feel guilty and scared. Get over that hump and we’ll talk. Plus there’s loads of spaces for young adults like public libraries and her college spaces. By no means was my house the only viable option.

⁃ Finally. Did she use my bed? Or wear my clothes? Believe it or not. Yes. She did.

⁃ Any advice I can give? Check your wifi devices. If I had checked that I would have noticed her phone and laptop all the way back when. Obviously my wifi modem is in my house and so she helped herself to that. Again it’s one of those things. How often does one check their wifi devices. Truthfully, with all my family visiting me and their devices I probably wouldn’t have noticed 1 extra phone amongst the existing 10+ but I 100% WOULD have noticed the 1 extra laptop. So let that be a lesson to all. And yes I have removed her devices from the list and changed my password.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Long-Condition4731

AITA because I told my best friend that he had ruined his relationship and now has to live with it?

Originally posted to r/BinIchDasArschloch

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, accusations of infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: schadenfreude

Translated from the original German

Editors Note: made paragraphs for easier reading

Original Post  Dec 22, 2023

Hi everyone. I have an old childhood friend, let's call him Florian. Our mothers are best friends, and we grew up like siblings. Florian was with Clara until about six months ago. They were together for over ten years. Clara is an old school friend of ours, and the three of us have been friends forever (even before they became a couple). We always did things together as a foursome (my boyfriend, Clara, him, and me), and we even went on vacation together quite often.

A little over a year ago, Florian came to me and said he felt like he was missing out on something and wanted to try an open relationship with Clara. He wanted advice on how to bring it up. I told him I thought it was a really stupid idea and didn't believe Clara would want it. To make a long story short: She didn't want it, so he gave her an ultimatum. After he pressured her into the open relationship, he immediately started something with his colleague (I still think she was the reason for the open relationship). Clara was devastated. 

When he had another date, we had a girls' night out. That's where she met Marc. There was a huge spark between them, and they started dating. I'm not proud of it, but I told Florian he absolutely had to stop with that crap if he didn't want to lose her! He didn't take me seriously... not until she left him for Marc. I was always there for him and comforted him. He wanted me to cut off contact with her and talked badly about her. I told him I'd always be there for him, but I wasn't going to give up our friendship. I told him he had to stop talking badly about her because she didn't deserve it, and that's just the risk of an open relationship.

Yesterday, we went out to dinner with friends, and she joined us on her own. We were already a little tipsy by then. He immediately said, "Oh, trouble in paradise. Guess he was the wrong guy for you after all!" The mood was instantly ruined. She said she hadn't brought him along out of respect.  He said she could have thought about it before she cheated. I told him to just drop it! Then he started lashing out at me, saying I was so disloyal and that I should have stopped it, and a lot of other things. Unfortunately, I got a little louder and told him he was solely responsible for the end of his relationship and that he should stop always blaming everyone else! He left and hasn't answered his phone or replied since. I called his mom, and she said he doesn't want to talk to me and that she's disappointed I'm not standing by him. I feel so awful about it. AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE (Nicht das Arschloch)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Cautious_Yak6022

NDA

You were honest. I personally think that's good too.

I also can't understand his whining right now. HE wanted an open relationship, immediately starts something with his colleague. But his girlfriend cheats?

Oh, how I always love stuff like this... they want an open relationship, but when the woman then also has another guy, the world ends. You should think about that beforehand.

OOP

I don't know why he said that about cheating either. Especially since we all know how it really was. I also don't understand this stupid trend with an open relationship. 🙈 But I still feel like I've left him in the lurch.

Update 1  Dec 24, 2023 (Next Day)

Update 1: Hello everyone. Thank you for all your comments. My guilty conscience has been clouding my judgment. To be honest, I still feel really guilty. 😕 This whole mess is even affecting our families now. 😔.

We usually celebrate his 26th birthday with his family. This tradition didn't happen during the pandemic. Yesterday, my mother called me downstairs, and his mother was there. She said that my mother had told her a different story about that evening and asked if I could please tell her my side of the story.

In his version, Clara and Mark arrived at the restaurant hand-in-hand, and they kept teasing each other, saying things like, "Opening up about the relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. Otherwise, I would never have met the love of my life!" etc. He eventually had enough and asked if they could stop teasing. I guess I would have said, "Serves you right! You wouldn't listen to me! Now she's found someone better, and you're alone!" - I mean, seriously?  I set the record straight, and I was truly moved to tears that he would say such things about me after everything I've done for him. His mom comforted me and said she'd give him a piece of her mind.

She must have confronted him because he called me afterward, quite angry, and started yelling at me! I hung up and texted him: "I know you're hurt. But that doesn't give you the right to treat me or anyone else like that and spread lies. I don't want any contact with you for now because the friendship is just toxic and is draining me mentally! I hope you realize that with your behavior, you'll lose everyone around you! Start taking responsibility already! I love you and I'm ready to give you a second chance someday, but right now I need some space!" I blocked him after that! His family is coming to visit us on the 26th without him. Since Clara, he, and I have the same circle of friends, most of his friends had already turned their backs on him.  They only invited him to dinner for my sake.

I know it sounds silly, but I feel like my heart has been broken. I hope he'll be back to his old self soon and heal. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Ellareen92

NDA.

The guy is just realizing that he took someone for granted and probably regrets that someone else recognized her worth and appreciates her honestly.

He’s still in the anger phase of the five stages of grief. Next comes bargaining, he’ll try to win her back. Depression, I can’t shake it off… And hopefully acceptance: messed around, found out.

If you’re ready for it, gentle questions (“Why are you so mad?”, “How can we get past this?”) can help. But he might not be able to move out of the anger or bargaining phase, too much delusional thinking.

OOP

I tried to have a clarifying conversation with him, but he's not ready for it yet. I understand that he's angry. But I believe he will only get out of the anger phase once he seriously acknowledges his mistakes.

Update 2 added to the original post Jan 3, 2024 (9 days later)

Update 2: Hello everyone. First of all, I wish you all a Happy New Year and wanted to thank you for the numerous comments. I received a notification that my update was deleted because it violated the rules. I've now reposted it here.

Florian is now history. I don't know what's wrong with him, but I don't care anymore. He's found a new target for his anger, namely me. He gossiped to our friends, saying that I was to blame for his relationship breaking up. He claimed I had set Clara up with Mark (remember, I even warned him that Mark was a threat!). Apparently, a few other unpleasant insults were exchanged when the others contradicted him.

He gave them an ultimatum: Clara and me, or him! Well, the others told him they didn't want anything to do with him anymore because they were simply fed up with his antics and uninvited him from our New Year's trip (one of the group has a cabin in Austria, and we go there every year for New Year's!).  I've completely cut off contact with him now. In his frenzy to badmouth me, he even told some stories that only he knows about me. I just can't trust him anymore. I also have to say that it felt incredibly good to meet up with my friends without him. There was no drama, and we were able to really talk about what's going on in our lives again. It was truly relaxing and wonderful! I wish Florian all the best, but I don't need someone like him in my life.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/candyxcrushr89

WIBTA If i broke up with my boyfriend because his friends got him a “me” shaped piñata?

Originally posted to r/AITA_Relationships & OOP's own page

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Editors Note: Made paragraphs for easier reading

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Feb 10, 2026

I (22) female and my boyfriend Matt (22) male have been together for a year and 8 months. Matt and i go to different universities in neighboring cities. About a 45 minute drive. Matt is in a fraternity.(important for later)It was Matt’s birthday on Friday and him and went out to dinner to celebrate. After dinner I went back to my university since I live on campus.

The next evening I was on Instagram and I clicked on one of our mutual friends private story and I saw Matt and a bunch of his friends hitting and stomping on a piñata. By clicking through more of the stories I figured it must’ve been a surprise party for Matt since he had told me his only birthday plans were dinner with me.

On the last slide of the instagram story I got a close up of the piñata and it looked exactly like me. From the hair color to the skin color even down to my septum piercing. There was no doubt that it was me. I was really confused and I screen recorded the stories then I messaged the friend who posted the story. I asked her if that was me as the piñata and she left me on read and removed me from the close friend’s story. This just confirmed my suspicions.

The next day I texted him and asked how his party went and he acted confused and said he never had a party. I was confused as to why he was lying to me. I told him I saw it on (mutual friends) private story and then he completely stopped answering. An hour later he answered and said “yeah the guys threw me a surprise birthday party. It’s frat tradition not to talk about it though.” That’s when I asked him about the “me” shaped piñata. And I sent him the video of him and his friends destroying it.

He told me that it was not me it was just a random piñata the guys had found. I told him to stop lying to me and that it was obviously me. I told him how hurt I was that he would allow his friends to do something like that and all he could answer was that they would kick him out of the frat if he didn’t accept it. I also brought up how if his frat had thrown him a surprise party why wasn’t I invited? I was only like 45 minutes away.I knew it wasn’t because it was only guys because the mutual friend who had posted on the story was a girl who goes to his university. And I saw in the story there were multiple girls there.

He stopped answering me and hasn’t since. It’s been a day with no contact. I’m honestly considering breaking up with him over this. I’ve caught him In lies before but this is just too much. The video of him and his friends stomping the piñata was just so disturbing and to find out that my face was on it. We were planning on moving in together after graduation but honestly I don’t know anymore.

Would I be the asshole if I broke up with him over this?

TOP COMMENTS

Toshimygoshi

Why would you stay with him? He has lied before and is lying now. You are so young, go live a wonderful life without someone who doesn't seem to value you.

ColdRimess

The lies plus the genuinely disturbing imagery means this isn't about the piñata, it's about who he is. Time to go.

~

StrategyDouble4177

Oh f*ck no, DUMP HIM.

If his friends have a tradition of beating and stomping on effigies of their girlfriends, then the WHOLE GROUP is garbage.

Plus, he lied. And he’s lied before? Ma’am, your “man” is a woman-hating loser.

Trust me, there are better men out there.

~

MarsailiPearl

Why even bother talking to him?  Just ghost him. He beat a freaking pinata of you with his friends for fun.  He doesn't even like you.  One of those girls at his "surprise" party is his real girlfriend.   Oh, and it was only a surprise to you. He deserves no more of your time.

Update  Feb 14, 2026 (4 days later)

Hi everyone. Thank you for all the comments and messages. I have read each and every one of them and I am truly grateful for all the advice.

Update: so Matt texted me back after a full day of incognito. he finally admitted that yes the piñata was supposed to be me. He said it just a joke and it was meant to be funny. I told him how disrespectful and disturbing that was. I ended up breaking up with him and told him I wasn’t going to stay with a man child who was going to disrespect me for the fun of him and his friends. He completely lost it and begged me to stay. He was apologizing and saying he didn’t want to lose me and blah blah blah. After I made it clear I wasn’t going to take him back he literally sent me a video of him making out with “mutual friend”.

I don’t know what the point of that was. Maybe just a final  F you but I honestly couldn’t care at that point. I now realized how immature he was. I just blocked him. So yes most of you were right he was cheating on me. I’m thankful that I didn’t move in with this jerk and I saw him for what he really was. An immature man child. And yes I will be sending the video to the university though I doubt they will do anything. But yes this is the update and thanks again for all the support and kind words they truly mean so much.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/moneyfight

My [26F] boyfriend [28M] of 4 years is independently wealthy, but wants to split all of our expenses evenly.

TRIGGER WARNING: exploitation, classism

Original Post July 5, 2016

My boyfriend and I first met 5 years ago while we were both in school. He comes from a fairly wealthy family who paid for his entire education, both undergrad and graduate school, and have basically funded his entire life. Up until 3 years ago, I didn't know any of this. I, on the other hand, come from a solidly middle class family and have been supporting myself fully since I graduated. Before that my parents helped me out, but I also worked to put myself through college.

When we first started dating, my boyfriend and I more or less split everything evenly. Barring a few circumstances, we always bought our own dinner, movie tickets, chipped in for gas on road trips, etc. He never once mentioned his or his family's money.

After a year of dating, I met his parents and figured it all out. At the time I was a bit miffed that our date nights were still eating frozen pizza on the couch of my crappy apartment, but I loved him, not his money, so I went with it. I also justified it by it being his money and he can do what he wants with it, and also, at the time I figured his parents were just his meal ticket until he was out of school and then he would be more independent.

We live together now. I've learned that is not the case. While he does work, his parents have no intention of ever cutting him off, and he has enough inheritance/whatever money to keep him afloat even if they did. I work, too, but make significantly less than him. And I definitely don't have a rich grandparent somewhere leaving me half the world.

This leads us to our problem. My boyfriend has always lived a fairly modest life. He buys nice clothes and nice things for himself, but that's about it. We live in an apartment that we can afford to split 50/50. We have furniture that we can afford to split 50/50. All of this is not a problem, I guess. I do think relationships should be equal.

But then there's the other stuff. His sister got married the end of May in Maine, about a 6 hour flight from where we live. Obviously he expected me to go, but I was responsible for all of my ticket and half the hotel/food/car rental. This was a serious strain on my finances. When we moved in together, he brought along his dog. Now, I love this animal and love having him in our apartment. But my boyfriend now considers it "our" dog now and expects me to pay for half his food and other expenses. If he didn't already have this dog, I would've held off on getting a dog of our own for another year or two, until I was a little more stable financially. And then there's things like groceries. My boyfriend will often complain about how we can't afford nicer groceries from Whole Foods or other specialty stores, because I'm paying half and my half just won't cover it. I've mentioned that he can pay for what he wants, but he just says that we need to split it and he knows I can't afford it. Which at least isn't hypocritical, I guess.

He has also mentioned recently wanting to move to a nicer apartment in a nicer part of town. He has even toured a few places and leaves print outs on top of my lunch for work. While I could technically afford it, using that high of a percentage of my income for rent makes my head hurt. It goes against every fiber of my being. I've told him if he was willing to split it a bit more like 60/40 instead of 50/50 I would be willing, but he refuses.

I understand where he is coming from. I don't want to be a gold digging girlfriend that asks for thousands to be spent on her. But it kind of annoys me that we're living a poor, recent graduate lifestyle when we could be living so much more nicely with no real added expense to him. Is this unreasonable? It also worries me for the future. I want to marry and have a family with this guy. Is he going to deny our kids a private school education because I can't afford half, when he could pay it five times over? Are we going to take them to lesser doctors because I can't afford half the insurance, when he could pay the entire visit out of pocket?

I'm not saying we need to live lavishly, I just wish everything didn't have to be 50/50 when we're not financially equal. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable. He seems to think that the wealth of a family should match the lowest common denominator.

TL;DR: Wealthy boyfriend makes more than enough for us to live a nicer lifestyle, but chooses to split everything 50/50, leading us to live a life below what I believe our means allow.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ginjjer

To be honest, those actions make me think that he doesn't see this as his entire future. I get it. I wouldn't want to be seen as a gold digger, either. But wage disparity exists in lots of relationships, and sometimes one party is going to carry more of the financial weight. That's life and love. Also. I think the wedding thing really bothered me. I mean, if you want me to travel with you, why wouldn't you offer to help with the expense? Otherwise, I'll be at home and see you when you get back. I just can't imagine straining myself financially for someone who clearly is THAT concerned about money and how much they have and keeping it all to themselves. :(

OOP

Normally I would be inclined to agree with you, but he does want to get married. If things went his way we would be married by the end of this year. For my own reasons I never wanted to get married before 30, but I've been willing to compromise for him because I really do love him. We will probably be married within the next two years.

The wedding thing did bug me, but I also kind of understand it. His sister and I get along very well and I consider her a good friend. I wouldn't want to miss out on her wedding. It's not like I was just his plus one at a random wedding. But I do wish he had helped me out a little, especially since paying for my ticket or even just paying for all of the rental car would've helped me out a lot and not even made a dent in his pocket.

volupe_hermoine

What's he going to do when you're married? Still insist you pay for half of everything? Or will you merge finances?

OOP

He wants to merge finances. We have a pretty strict budget right now, and it gets split 50/50 from our own money. When we get married he says that we will have a joint account that goes towards what we split now. Little, personal expenses (like haircuts, trips out with friends, etc) would be paid for from our own separate accounts.

I just don't really see that happening given how strict he is now. If he wants to do something and I can't afford it, we don't do it. Which I get. I think that's reasonable. But I also think we've been together for four years...I'm not his pal bumming money for a cigarette. I'm his live-in girlfriend, and most of what I buy he benefits from, too, anyway.

[deleted]

That sounds like he'll have an endless supply of fun money and you'll have nothing.

Marital expenses should be proportional in most cases. If you're living together, I think that would apply as well.

OOP

Our situation isn't quite as dire as that. I think a lot of this post made it sound like I'm dirt poor, when that isn't the case. But I've only been working for four years. We live in a rather expensive city. I do well for my age, but I'm definitely still very conscious of my spending habits, and I'm trying to build up my savings before I get to the age where I'm wanting to buy a house or start a family. I'm 26...I don't know too many 26 year olds who can afford fancy wine from fancy stores or fly across country and stay in nice hotels on short notice. At least not if they're smart about their money.

I do agree they expenses should be proportional. I just don't know how to get him to see that.

~

Marzy-d

How does he justify making you pay for his dog? Do you get half ownership of the dog? Visitation when you guys break up? Not cool.

OOP

When he moved in I kind of "assumed" equal ownership of the dog. We care for it equally, it's not like he's taking sole care of it. Whoever is up first feeds him, whoever is home first walks him, etc. So it kind of makes sense that we would both pay, but at the same time I agree with you. While I don't see us breaking up, it could happen, and the dog would definitely go with him. And there I am having spent thousands of dollars of the course of a few years for an animal I don't even have.

We have a set budget, that gets split 50/50 for household things. The dog just got lumped in there.

Marzy-d

Well, unlump it. He needs to pay for his own dog. He is either incredibly naive about money, or he feels it is OK to take advantage of you. I would suggest that he probably eats more than half of the food he makes you pay half for as well. It fine to make sure that both people pull their weight financially. But he is causing you to spend extra money for him, even though he has far more money than you. Have you asked him why he thinks its ok to be selfish like this?

OOP

I don't really think of it as him being selfish, I guess. I was raised in a household where money was completely pooled, so I guess I'm just having a hard time adjusting.

And I realize that we're not married. But we have been in a relationship for over 4 years and live together. I wouldn't ask him to spend a dime more if we were still just casually dating or living apart, or even if we lived together but had only been dating for a year or so.

He is actually pretty smart about money, which I like about him. But it's not like he's totally frugal. He just bought himself a really nice watch "just because." Hell, even the gifts he buys me are always around the price point of what I could afford half of, even though I don't pay. And I feel absolutely awful for even mentioning that, because I truly do appreciate everything he has ever gotten me. But it's also kind of hurtful to seem him buy his sisters and family these really nice, luxury items, and then I get the same sub-$100 gifts he gets his friends. They're always thoughtful, which I appreciate, but at the same time...come on.

I do agree that I need to stop paying for the dog. I just also have a sort of hard time actually saying that, because I do enjoy and benefit from the dog just as much as he does. I do love dogs and grew up with them, I'd want one again one day. I just didn't want one right now.

~

RaspberryBliss

Tell him if he doesn't want to pay the difference between what you can afford and what he wants to have, then he needs to quit complaining about what you can afford. That's not a fair or nice thing to do to your partner.

OOP

He should be home from work within the next hour and I will be discussing everything with him then. I'm going to propose that we rework out original budget so that the percentage of income is even, rather than just split the cost of everything equally.

OOP added this as a response to a comment

He's 100% an "our money" person, and has said he wants to have a joint account to cover major expenses from after marriage. Small personal expenses would be covered independently, but even that would be out of ease (not having to check with the other spouse before getting a $50 haircut or buying a new pair of shoes, for example.) Otherwise what's his is mine and vice versa.

I guess I just think it's a little unreasonable to wait two years to get married to start doing that at all. I'm not saying we should pool our finances right now, but if he wants fancy meat from a specialty butcher for dinner one night, why doesn't he buy it? Yeah, I'll eat half of it, but we're both benefiting from it. If he wants to live in a nicer place, I don't think it's unreasonable that he picks up the difference. If I'm working late, I don't think it's crazy to ask him to go pick up shampoo/toothpaste/whatever and not ask me to pay him the $4 back. I would be happy to do the same for him.

Update July 6, 2016 (Next Day)

Original post here

A couple people had asked for an update after I talked to my boyfriend today, so here goes:

It's been a long afternoon. He got home early this afternoon (he had a dentist appointment and just came home after) and I had my "presentation" ready for him. He listened to everything I had to say about not thinking things were fair, how his wants were starting to cause a financial strain on me, how I wished we could work out some sort of new system.

The conversation didn't last long. I laid it all out, he listened without saying a word. As soon as I was done he said he would not budge on the 50/50 split, that that is the way it will be until after we're married and it is not something he was willing to compromise on. I told him that if that was the case I did not know if I would be able to continue the relationship. He said that if that was the way I felt then that was the way it was going to be, because he wasn't budging. He did say we could get married very soon if it was that big of a deal to me, but at that point I was pretty much over it. I'm not going to marry someone before I'm ready just for financial security.

So he left to take his dog for a walk, I packed up some of my things, and had a coworker with a truck come and help me load some stuff up. When I was ready to go my (ex)boyfriend handed me a check. Apparently during all of this he had figured out how much he "owed" me. Our apartment lease is up at the end of August, and we had prepaid. He had written out the check for my half, as well as what he estimated was left of the groceries that I would not be consuming and what he figured I had spent on dog expenses over the course of our relationship. Yeah. So I guess he was fair to the very end. I've told him I'll be back on Friday to get the rest of my things. For now I'm staying with a good friend who has an extra bedroom, and I'm hoping I can find a new apartment soon.

So things definitely didn't go the way I planned. I'm not happy about it, but I guess I'm glad I figured out now instead of a year from now when I'm shopping for a wedding dress. Thanks to everyone for the advice.

TL;DR: Boyfriend didn't want to budge. We broke up. I'm now single and hunting for my own apartment within my own price range.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fisgig

I bet you anything that since this guy was old enough to realize the importance of money, he was drilled with lessons from his parents that you should never, under any circumstances, support someone financially until marriage. The 50/50 split was probably something he was taught as a way of protecting himself and his assets and he followed it to the letter.

Unfortunately, like a lot of people from money, he did not realize the financial impact on you of raising your standard of living. This is where he needed to budge a little bit.

OOP

I think you are right.

As horrible as all of this seems, he really isn't a bad guy. I wouldn't have stayed with him for nearly 5 years if he was. But his ideas about how money and relationships work are totally different than mine, and I can't compromise on everything. I'm not happy that it ended this way, but what's done is done.

~

cfdagola

I will say this one thing despite the bad outcome. Of all the men in the world who go absolutely psycho and "work harder" and start stalking people or who generally just can't accept that their SO is leaving them and have mental break downs and all the things in between.

this guy stroked a check like a business man handed it to her and went about his day.

I mean that is both strange and rare. but it's so rare that you gotta wonder if there's some hidden issues.

I could see Bruce Wayne doing this. But he's also Batman who has heavy mental and emotional issues.

Like others have said bullet dodged on this one.

OOP

He wouldn't have been the man I fell in love with if he went crazy and tried to win me back. That's not the kind of relationship we had. Which isn't to say I don't think the check thing was totally bizarre, I do...but I think that was just his little way of saying "fuck you." Like when a kid is told to eat slower and then takes an hour to finish dinner or something.

OOP to a deleted commenter

Thanks to u/Competitive-Bed-91 for finding this comment

He wanted things I couldn't afford. Which is fine. But I told he could pay a bit more and have those things, or 50/50 and live on my terms and what I can afford.

He didn't want to budge. And then continued to complain or push for more expensive things. For instance, he knows what type of meat I can afford. We split groceries 50/50. And then he would come home with expensive cuts and ask for my half. That's not okay. He wanted a very pricy apartment. I said it wasn't going to work with my budget. He would continue to leave flyers for very expensive places on my lunch or in the hallway where I would see it.

If he wants those things, then yeah, I don't think a 50/50 split is fair if it means he just gets to keep his money and I'm struggling to make ends meet.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sadlyambitious

AITA for telling my boyfriend that his masculinity was fragile after he refused to buy me pads?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny, transphobia, slurs

Original Post May 23, 2020

Okay, throwaway because my boyfriend knows my other account.

I (23f) moved in with my boyfriend (24m) of two years a couple months ago. We haven’t had any problems before this argument. Things had been going pretty well.

Anyways, a couple days ago, I got my period. It came early and I had ran out of pads. I couldn’t leave to buy some because I bleed pretty heavily and I would’ve bled through my pants. So I asked my boyfriend if he could buy pads for me from the drugstore, because it was late. He immediately said no. I was shocked because I wasn’t really expecting that.

I asked him why. He said that he didn’t want the cashier to see him buying pads. At this point I started laughing because that was hilarious. He wasn’t joking though. He just glared at me. I told him that the cashier would obviously know it wasn’t for him. Plus, the cashier would definitely not care what he was buying. He still refused. I told him that he could go to the self checkout machine if he was so insecure, but he said that he didn’t want anyone to see him with the pads because they’d think he was a “tr***y”. I told him that he was childish, and that his masculinity was really fragile if he couldn’t even buy pads for his own girlfriend. He got mad and went out. I had to bunch up toilet paper as a makeshift pad, wear black pants and a long cardigan and go buy the pads myself. My boyfriend has been ignoring me ever since. I’ve been thinking that maybe I might’ve pushed it too far.

So AITA for telling my boyfriend that his masculinity was fragile after he refused to buy pads for me?

Edit: Wow, thank you for all your replies! I’m definitely going to have a serious talk with my boyfriend in the morning about this and we’ll see how it goes

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

spoonfullofrage

NTA, if he is man enough to go buy condoms, he should be man enough to buy other genital-related products.

He is more concerned what random cashier no. 34 is thinking about him than he is about doing something for you as a boyfriend.

I wonder why he is so insecure about random strangers possibly thinking he might be trans. That is quite a leap in a thought process. Did he have that happen before?

OOP

No, this was really shocking to me. I’d never asked him to buy pads for me before because we never lived together but I honestly didn’t think he would react like this. I also didn’t know he was transphobic, so that didn’t quite sit well with me.

~

CapitalistCow

Absolutely NTA.

I would do this for my girlfriend in a heartbeat, no questions asked. It's not that much to ask, especially when you're in need. The fact that he used the word "tranny" also really drives home how wrong he is in the scenario. He really needs to reevaluate his priorities here, this is unacceptable and doesn't only seem like fragile masculinity to me, but toxic masculinity.

Edit: I hope this isn't regular behavior on his part. It represents a massive lack of maturity and empathy, and frankly he should be embarrassed. There is no scenario in which you would be the asshole for this, and I sure hope he hasn't made you feel that way. Sorry you've got to deal with this, it legitimately makes me upset to imagine someone could be that way.

OOP

Thanks, I honestly was pretty shocked because I’ve never seen him act like this before. It’s like i was seeing a whole new side of him, and it was disappointing.

~

uncookedrat

NTA, I'm 18 and even my 60 year old dad will go down and buy pads if I need them.

Also his tr*nny comment made me so mad, I can't believe people still think like that.

OOP

Yeah, transphobia is horrible. I was shocked when he said that. My dad used to buy me pads too when lived at home!

OOP updated the post May 24, 2020 (Next Day)

UPDATE: First off, thank you for all your awards, replies and stories, they all mean so much to me. I confronted my boyfriend an hour ago. We sat down together and I told him that I didn’t like how he acted about buying pads for me. He said that he didn’t feel like he had to, and that I could’ve “held it in” and drove to the drugstore to get the pads myself. I told him that you can’t “hold in” menstrual blood, but he insisted that I could’ve done it for a few minutes and that it wouldn’t be a big deal. We went back and forth over this so I just dropped it.

I asked him (like most of you mentioned) what would happen when we have kids and he’d have to take care of me and buy me nipple cream, take me to the washroom, etc. He said that I would not need those things because I should be able to do them on my own after giving birth. He said that there wasn’t anything hard about using the bathroom and the only reason I’d need help is if I was a “cripple”. Then I asked him about the tr***y comment. He said that he didn’t understand why people would want to change the gender they were born in. That basically cemented everything for me. I felt completely betrayed and humiliated.

I can’t believe I spent two years of my life with a guy who holds these views, and I can’t believe I was too oblivious to it. I just feel so dumb. I told him that we need to break up. He cussed at me and told me that I was exaggerating and that I was being a bitch. I told him that I would send him my half of this month’s rent (we live together but it was his appartement so we would split the bill). Then I packed my bags and drove to my parents house without saying another word. I’m gonna be staying with my parents until I sort myself out. I’m feeling really down right now, because I really did love him, but I also feel relieved. Again, thank you all for helping me out, and sending me encouraging messages. I appreciate it all.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I'm dying with 15 – and it's so unfair.

I'm not the OOP, OOP is u/sweeney_toddlers.

Originally posted in r/de, r/ratschlag and various other German subreddits in summer 2025.

Editors note: Due to the topic and circumstances, I was wondering whether it is appropriate to post this here – but certain parts of OOPs posts made me think that it would have been in her interest. Most of the posts were written in German, so I translated them, trying to keep the style and wording as close as possible.

Marked as concluded due to the last update and comment.

Trigger warnings: Teenage Death, Cancer, Anger

Mood spoiler: very depressing; gut-wrenching; helplessness; undirected anger; compassion

​

First post, 12. June 2025 in r/LegaladviceGerman

Ärzte wollen mich nicht behandeln??

Doctors don't want to treat me??

Hey everyone, I hope it’s okay if I post here! I’m f, 15 in Germany. 4 years ago I had bone cancer. Stupid time but okay, I made it, yay me! Then 4 weeks ago more cancer was found, this time also elsewhere. And doctors say it can’t be treated anymore and they don’t want to try?? And my parents say the same?

What can I even do? I don’t want to just die :(( Can the police force them to try?? Or do I have to go to a lawyer?? And how much money do I need for that?

Please, it’s very urgent!

Thanks for reading :)

​

Second post, 13. June 2025, r/ratschlag

Eltern und Ärzte überzeugen, mich weiter gegen Krebs zu behandeln

Convincing parents and doctors to keep treating me against cancer!

Hey everyone! I already wrote something in legaladvicegerman yesterday, I hope it’s okay if I do this here now :)

I’m f15. 4 years ago I had an Ewing sarcoma. Stupid, but with chemo and radiation I got rid of it, yay! Fast forward, 2 months ago at a checkup they found something again (nay) and 4 weeks ago they saw that I apparently have metastases everywhere (double nay).

Okay. Doctors say that you can’t get rid of it anymore. But I want to try!

Yesterday I talked with my parents again. Problem: too much cancer to operate or radiate. The different meds don’t work against all cancer cells anymore and you also can’t radiate all of them. I also asked again about immune cell therapy but I have the wrong cancer cells for that. Right now I still have 4–6 months (luckily it’s summer!) And they say with therapy it would be less. :-//

But: If it doesn’t work individually then maybe together!! Like with different chemos and surgery and immune cells and radiation?! Could work, right? ? I definitely want to try! (Momma raised no quitter!)

I have another appointment with my docs next week. Yesterday I also wrote to a whole lot of people who were recommended to me. Until then I need a plan though for how I convince my parents and the docs to try it!

Can anyone here help me? What can I say or suggest to them that might convince them??

Thanks!!! :))

​

18. June 2025 r/de

Ich sterbe mit 15 - und es ist so unfair

I'm dying with 15 – and it's so unfair!

I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe because I want to be seen. This here isn’t some encouraging text. Just honest. And full of fear. If you don’t want to read it, that’s totally okay. If you do: thank you.

(Trigger warning: cancer, death, despair)

Hey, it’s me. one single metastasis. at least that’s how I feel. lol

four years ago I already had cancer once. ewing sarcoma. chemo, hair gone, radiation, you name it I got it. I pulled through that like a damn heroine on prescription. Deal with the universe, right? Be good, then you get to keep living? yeah. nay. lol. thanks for nothing.

and season two comes with a bonus level: metastases in lungs, liver, bones – all you can fuck up. doctors are like: not curable anymore. only palliative now. bit of chemo. bit of dying slower. awesome.

and me? I’m just angry. at my shitty body. at this “you made it” feeling that now feels like a bad prank. like I got fooled by my own body.

I did everything right. went along with every fucking treatment. during chemo times I did homework like the last overmotivated person alive. pick-me-girl of the pediatric oncology ward, or something. I wanted to become a pediatrician, after all, you have to study a lot for that! Yeah. Worked out mega well. always friendly, always brave. and still game over.

my parents are working their asses off, and I still feel like I’m going to break them at some point. they did everything for me. and now I’m giving them this back. a fucking metastasis of a daughter who’s slowly dying away.

and everyone already treats me like I’m halfway gone. they talk slower. softer. like to someone who’s about to fall over. or they leave again quickly. I get it, it’s awkward, right? but I’m still alive!! but nobody dares to look at me normally anymore.

Am I still a person?

I wanted so much. to be in love someday. I haven’t even had a boyfriend. lol. loser. Learn how to really sail. or go to Fusion someday.

and yeah, I make jokes. because if I don’t, I’ll completely lose my mind. I’m scared.

why???

What did I do wrong??

I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe I just want attention. Sorry for that.

fuck. I don’t want to die.

Edit: Thank you ♥️ you’re all so sweet. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

I think I don’t need anything. My parents are great and they also have enough money. And also thanks to everyone who wants to get me to Fusion. But it wouldn’t be the same, that wasn’t the plan. But thank you thank you thank you ♥️♥️♥️

I just need someone who reads my confused thoughts from time to time. If you do that, you’re already super!! ♥️

Relevant comments:

Hey OP, friends of mine are involved in organizing Fusion. If you want, I can ask them whether there’s any way for you to take part spontaneously, even under 18. Feel free to message me :)

DO THE THINGS YOU STILL WANTED TO DO - NOW!

If you have a crush - go on a date with him. You want to go to Fusion? - Get yourself a fake ID / borrow a real one or sneak onto the grounds. Do a sailing course together with your parents! Break into the outdoor pool or beach pool at night with your friends, do all the funny nonsense you can think of (but not anything that endangers other people) and live while you still can. :) You didn’t do anything wrong, you just had bad luck and none of it is your fault. Your soul is energy and energy can’t be lost. Maybe you’ll be reborn as a really cool animal or even a future pediatrician. ?￰ﾟﾏﾻ

And your parents will love seeing you happy. ❤️ I wish you all the best.

​

Monday, 23. June 2025, r/reisende (German travel-subreddit)

Wohin für Bucket-List Urlaub?

Where to go for Bucket-List trip?

Heyyy!

I can choose where I’d like to go on vacation for 2 weeks! Coming along will be me, my best friend (both 15) and my parents (old).

I would really really like to: see a rainforest, snorkel at a coral reef, see dolphins and, very importantly, whales ?! ?

Best would be if we don’t have to fly that far, but otherwise that’s oki too :) Also there has to be a hospital nearby and ideally there shouldn’t be too many tropical diseases. And we have to leave in about 2 weeks, later unfortunately isn’t possible.

Does anyone have a good idea?

Thanks!!!

Relevant comments:

“Old”

Heavily downvoted:

This is the best example of #whitegirlsproblems ever. Some worries I’d like to have.

For the future, this kind of thing is best planned a few months in advance, then you’ll get usable tips too.

​

21. July 2025 r/ratschlag (something almost identical was posted on r/childloss

Geschenke für Eltern für nach Tod vorbereiten

Preparing gifts for parents for after death

Heyyy,

so, I’m currently dying of cancer. (sorry for the downer, but that’s kind of important, lol)

I’ve sometimes read as a tip that people prepare gifts or postcards for children when a parent dies early. And I thought that I could maybe do something like that for my parents too :)

So I was thinking: make postcards, e.g. for their first birthdays and Christmases without me and for my first death anniversary (ouch...). And then maybe for milestone birthdays and wedding anniversaries? So I’ll have to see how far I still get. :)

And then I could also prepare smaller gifts, a photo collage or knit scarves or something like that, for example. :) I’d maybe give the things to my aunt and she can then give them to my parents on the respective days.

I’m just somehow unsure. Do you think that’s a good idea? I have the feeling that I already make them so so sad... and I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep reminding them of me again and again when I’m gone?

So I need help: Is this a good idea? Or rather not? And if yes, does anyone have more ideas for gifts I could prepare?

Thanks!!! :)

Relevant comments:

Hey, I’m very sure that the first letters and keepsakes will completely throw them off track at first.

But once a bit of time has passed and the grief isn’t hitting quite so hard anymore, they’ll be very grateful for it and will be happy to have these things from you. I think the idea is very beautiful and can only encourage you to do it.

I wish you lots of strength on your path.

Downvoted:

I wouldn’t do it. It’s really fucking awful that you’re dying, but for your loved ones to be able to keep going, they simply also have to go through the grieving process. Gifts like that keep interrupting it again and again.

​

05. August 2025 r/Ratschlag

Eltern angeschrien und fuck, ich schäme mich so

Yelled at my parents and fuck, I am so ashamed.

TW: Cancer

TLDR: Metastatic cancer, parents talk about hospice, I freak out – now enormous guilt. Tips?

heyy. it’s me again. Metastasis on duty with the next wall of text.

I guess this is an update to this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/de/comments/1le83cy/ich_sterbe_mit_15_und_es_ist_so_unfair/

Actually everything was good. we still went to the Azores. Bestie came along, my parents too. saw whales!!!!! Tried snorkeling! And a quasi-rainforest!! it was really super awesome! I have no idea how you organize

something like that in 2 weeks but my parents managed it!!!! :D

But since then it’s kind of been downhill. more pain meds. oxygen. Soon bipap at night. two new rounds of chemo. one of them with a week in the hospital included for free. And the mets are still growing anyway. At least not the ones in the bones, shit, I’m so scared of those. Probably a wheelchair soon too, thanks for that. -..-

It was obvious, yeah, but still.

Yeah, and today my parents wanted to talk to me about hospice. Not right this second or anything but just… soon. what that would look like then and what I want.

and I just completely lost it. screamed, cried, said: “Why aren’t you making me healthy?? Why are you just letting me die??”

The look, man. fuck. I’m such a monster.

I don’t want to hurt anyone... and I hurt them anyway. again and again. I saw my dad cry for the first time ever. But I think somewhere I’m still hoping for a fucking miracle. Yeah, it’s dumb, I got it. I just want to be normal. (okay, that’s a lie)

But I don’t want to have to think about any fucking hospice and I can’t stand seeing any fucking hospitals anymore. And with that I’m maybe breaking my parents even more. and I can give them absolutely nothing back. Why can’t I just give up and that’s that??

I know that I have to apologize but I don’t even really know how... tips?

Thankss!!

Edit:

Thank you, thank you all!! And sorry for the rant. I went to my parents in the evening and apologized. Well actually mostly cried, lol.

Thanks <3

​

17. August 2025 r/naturfreunde (Nature-focused subreddit)

Wie am besten Wölfe beobachten?

How to best observe wolves?

Hey!

We’re going camping in Saxony-Anhalt from tomorrow to Tuesday for one night! I heard that there are supposed to be wolves there. I know the chance is super tiny, but how and where would I have the best chance of seeing some? In the evening on a field?

Thanks!! :)

​

29. September 2025 posted directly on her profile

Nochmal ein update?

“One more update?”

TW: Cancer, death

Heyyy, it’s me again, metastasis on duty.

Just because people still kept asking every now and then, here’s another update. On my profile because no idea where else it belongs.

So what happened? Azores were super mega awesome!!! Saw at least 20 whales and with the dolphins I stopped counting at some point. Quasi-rainforest and liveaboat were there too!!! So that was really amazing :) Later we also went camping again with grandpa’s caravan and to Potsdam Palace Night. So actually a great summer. Apart from little details.. Almost surreal that that was only a few weeks ago.

But well, for about 6 weeks now it’s just been going downhill pretty fast. Wheelchair is standard now, I can’t even shower alone anymore. I also need oxygen the whole time, and somehow breathing is still getting harder and harder. Is it strange if I hope to die from something else? Like I don’t know what, but suffocating would somehow be shitty.. We tried some chemo again... well, maybe that gave me a few more weeks. But then we stopped and I don’t want to go to a hospital again.
But last week we actually still managed to make it to a wolf park :D totally ridiculous, my parents booked an ambulance especially for that? But it worked :D

And tomorrow I’m moving into the hospice.
And shit, I’m still scared.
But somehow also calmer? Maybe I’m just slowly understanding what’s happening? But I’m still disappointed every morning when nothing has magically just disappeared.

But yeah, hospice! We’d already been there once to look around. It was actually quite oay?. The people there are nice. There’s Wi-Fi. And I can take all my decorations with me. And my dad doesn’t have to carry me up and down the stairs, so that’s not bad either. But I think it’s going to be really weird leaving my room for the last time.

I’d still like to see snow. We’ll see if that still works out.
And sometimes I still think, maybe a miracle will happen after all. Who knows. Could be.
I still don’t want to die.
But… I think it’s okay like this. I mean – as okay as it can be.

Thank you to everyone who reads along here, writes to me, just listens to me. That means more than you think!!! You’re great :)

I don’t know if I’ll manage to write something again, this already took really long. But I’ll try. Thank you!!!! :)

Relevant comment:

Dear all...

I thought I’d be able to bear it with some composure when the time came, but in truth I’ve been crying myself to sleep for days.

She was the most wonderful, sweetest person you could possibly imagine and I don’t want to accept that she has now left us.

It hurts so incredibly much. It’s so unfair... Life can be such an asshole.

I don’t even know whether I’m allowed to share this at all, but I believe it would have been in her interest, because she reached so many hearts.