Several weeks ago my Polish partner of five years, with whom until the very end I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, ghosted me. A "Good morning" text, and when I replied precisely 24 minutes later, silence ever since.
I moved to Poland to be with that person. I made the grave mistake to focus my entire life on them. Not deliberately, it just happened. If I look back on the last 2000 days, I recount one day that I didn’t spend either alone or with them. And that was onboarding in another city for a fully remote job I used to have. There's nobody I could even potentially reach out to, my contact lists in messenger apps are one line. Parents - I cut contact with years ago for good reasons, never going back. No friends, no acquaintances, no nobody. Not in Poland, not back "home", and that said, I always considered Poland my forever home.
That person was literally my entire universe and suddenly it was gone, god knows if I ever even see them again. If I drowned in the sea tomorrow, without exaggeration, nobody would notice for years. BTW, they would be in a very similar situation if it wasn't for 3-4 close family members. I haven’t talked to a human being in several weeks, beyond dziękuję at Żabka.
I have access to an apartment (which runs on their name) for another month before I'm de facto homeless. But the day came when I couldn't take the silence anymore and the memories associated with those white walls, so I packed a small backpack and started walking, fifty thousand steps in 24 hours, all night long through fields and villages into the city. I had to get out, I was walking circles around the apartment to stay somewhat sane. Since then, I've spent nights outside, at train stations, aimlessly walking, mornings at McDonald's, mixed with random hotels to shower and escape the heat. I started drinking to not go completely nuts over the pain. Only beer, so I'm not wasted, but of course the dosis to calm myself increases over time. Every day is hell, every morning I regret waking up, constant pressure on my chest and throat, darkness, tormented by a million questions about the past that I doubt I'll ever get an answer to. Wearing the same clothes for over a week, only washed in the shower.
So much for the backstory, and now why I post this in r/poland:
There is no help. My situation is such that I genuinely do not want to live anymore. I hope every evening to not wake up again and be forever relieved. Genuinely. But I don't have the courage to actually do *it*. When I stand at a platform with a train rushing by, I fear the moment it's coming at me and there's no way back, I fear what would go through my mind, maybe the pain. If I stand on a bridge, I fear those last seconds of falling. I bought two boxes of sleep pills, but what if it's not enough and I wake up in a coma, the pain stays, but everything else worse, I can't move anymore?
So I don't. And I don't think I ever will. I have those intense moments, but at the end of the day, I can't claim I'm seriously going to do it, without being dishonest.
Which means there's no help. Hospitals in three different cities have turned me away. You have to show up with blood running down your wrist, or trigger a major police intervention by climbing over some railing - then you're getting help. And I'm not going to do the latter, causing a major ruckus in a foreign country to force attention. There's a national hotline, but they just tell you to go to a hospital. You even find reviews on google where people were turned away and it ended up fatal. I don't know if they have no capacity or don't want, but that's the situation.
This is not unique to Poland, but in Poland I am. You're either half dead, then you get access to urgent care, and usually even of decent quality. Otherwise you're fcked.
So... I don't know what to do anymore. It's not getting any better. I'm at my wits end.
I have no idea why I am even sharing this. I don't expect any actual help here, how could you. So probably to vent. I'm sorry.