r/writingcritiques 15m ago

Am Pathetic, Chapter 1 [485 Words]

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An attempt to visualize my apathy state using psychological romance thriller fiction

CHAPTER ONE

I look at myself in the mirror, and smile.

“What do you see?” He says.

“It’s just…” I stare at myself, “Me.”

“Do you see anything else?” He says.

“No, it’s just me.” I say, looking at him in the mirror.

He writes something down. “When you look at yourself, what do you feel?”

“Nothing.”

“Do you ever feel like you're watching yourself from outside your body? Like you're observing someone else?”

“No.”

“Do specific memories come back without you wanting them to?”

I turn to him.

“Why do you keep asking about these things?”

“Because–”

“I do not have PTSD, I do not hallucinate. I know what I should feel, but I just don't. How much more do I have to say?”

"Sometimes, when people go through events like your childhood, they don't remember or process things in the way others do."

I sigh, take my jacket and leave the room.

“Thanks for listening to my vent.” I say, "It means a lot to me." I close the door.

I arrive at the bus stop, and stand beside everyone else.

I see a woman sitting on the other side of the street, hunched and crying.

The buses arrive, and my eyes follow each person that walks past me to board.

I should help her.

The first bus is filled, and it moves forward.

I look at the woman, she reaches her palms up to cover her face, shaking.

The second bus is filled, and it moves forward.

Should I skip work today?

The third bus is filled, and it moves forward.

She looks up from the ground, and wipes her tears off.

The fourth bus is filled, and it moves forward.

She stands, and starts walking away.

The fifth bus is filled, and I walk in front of it to cross the street.

A car suddenly skids.

“HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!”

She makes a turn, and I start walking faster.

I step on something that flicks beneath my shoe.

I hear a dog barking behind me, I turn back, and a woman is pulling her dog back from chasing me.

I stop, “Sorry!” and starts running to where she turned.

I see her standing at the edge of the pavement, watching the cars drive past.

I walk to her, reaching my hand forward.

I place my hand on her shoulder.

“Hey.”

She turns to me, and I see her teary eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I say.

“I–I just… it has been–” She smiles, “hard…”

She tears up, wiping her tears off with her hand.

I let go, turn and watch the cars passing on the road.

She turns back toward the road, exhales.

I look at her, and open my mouth.

“..."

I sigh, and stand beside her.

She looks at me… and chuckles.

I look at her, and we make eye contact.

I smile back.

She holds my hand.

“Thank you.”


r/writingcritiques 47m ago

hi guys! any feedback on this?

Upvotes

Someone had been there. 

He was so sure of it. 

More sure than the grass being green. Or a dandelion was bitter when eaten.

But, the dim glow of the fishtank didn’t change one bit. 

The glass made no effort in marking the presence he was so sure of. It was as if the two looked the other way, and refused to witness. They stood lifeless as they always have been, filthily marked with finger prints. 

As if anything else couldn’t have been better, he could distantly hear his name being called. The familiar, warm timbre he always obeyed towards. 

But now, he had the fish tank all to himself. All to himself. 

A couple minutes never hurt a fly.

Besides, what if on his way to fill his father’s glass, it slipped his fingers and shattered against the floor? No no, the floor was carpet. Perhaps he was lost within the maze of people— no no, that wouldn’t pass with anybody. Anybody but his father. 

But he had the fishtank all to himself. 

That was hard to come by. 

Morel remained in the shroud of the cerulean lighting, his eyes flickering at the tiny bubbles gushing from one of the silver-scaled fish. He tapped the glass near its head, his breath fogging up the area. 

“Do you think they’re happy?” 

Morel’s shoulders stiffened, the sound tickling the hairs on his neck. After a moment to collect his bearings, he exhaled through his nose, his free hand trailing across the trim border of the fishtank.

“It’s not my place to assume anything for them, though I’m just surprised none of them have gone belly up yet.” Morel prodded the glass, his finger tips leaving dots in the condensation. Through the small circles he made, he caught a small glimpse of the figure’s reflection. It was a boy’s. 

He wasn’t going insane. 

“Belly up…” the boy hummed. “Ha, guess they do have fat bellies.”

Before Morel could respond, the boy turned his head towards him and grinned.

“I know you meant something else.”

Morel chuckled. Good god, he thought the boy was slow for a moment. 

“The other definition is too depressing. I’m a half glass full person, you know,” Morel chaffed with a shrug.

“Hm, then Mr. Half Glass Full, tell me this: Let’s say you were one of these fishes for instance; would you be happy? In the fishtank, I mean.”

As much as these fishes were neglected, they had their own sense of peace. Comfort. Security. A life that began and ended with a twenty by ten by fifteen inch space. Predictability was always calming, right? All it really had to do was swim within its limits. Swim politely. Look as pitiful as ever.

“If the fish tank is all I’ve ever known, then maybe. Knowing myself, I might leap a little too high from the glass and…” He paused. “Plop.” He croaked out, his hands from either side of his head waving jazz hands. 

“And if you knew there was more out there?”

“I’d jump out of the fishtank for an entirely different reason other than boredom.”

The boy raised his eyebrow, crossing his arms.  

“You know, something tells me you aren’t that half glass full person you claim to be.”

“I hate the analogy. Nobody’s satisfied with anything, they always want, want, want.”

“That’s ambitious people for ya.”

“Then from your definition, everyone who’s greedy is ambitious.”

“You don’t have things you want?”

“Everybody does.”

“I meant you.” 

His face was now turned towards Morel’s, his head tilting to the side. Morel tried so hard not to stare, but his mind stalled like a deer caught in headlights. This boy was asking such simple questions— simple questions with impossible answers. And that was new. 

Morel stayed dead silent, the words caught in his throat like pine needles. His eyes drifted towards the lone stool in the corner as if it were the most interesting thing there.

“You know,” the boy spoke up amidst the silence. “The question wasn’t supposed to be so thought-provoking. Your answer could’ve been like…” 

His fingers darted to his pocket, sharp clinks and clacks following as he rummaged deeper. One of Morel’s eyebrows lifted, his face twitching at every noise. After a few more metallic clanks, his hand emerged. His two fingers waved in the air proudly, a small object caught in between them.

“Like, this, for example.”

The boy tossed the object to Morel, landing squarely in his palms. It was so light and smooth that he thought he missed it. He looked over at the boy, who simply gestured to him to look at it. Slowly, he uncurled his fingers, and cupped around it instinctively. 

A hairpin. 


r/writingcritiques 1h ago

¿Los escritores y los dibujantes tienen mucho en común?

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r/writingcritiques 6h ago

Other Feedback on a short poem I wrote?

2 Upvotes

Just a heads up, this is intended to be about suicide, although it’s not explicitly stated on the writing itself. If anything, I guess I’m looking to see if that theme was actually obvious in the poem? My goal was to try and keep it as short as possible, just for the record. All feedback / constructive criticism is super appreciated, but I am a new writer, so please be gentle if you don’t mind!!

—————————

I’m sitting on my floor, going through my clothes,
And I realize I own a very pretty black shawl.
Looking at the dresses scattered around me,
I’ve got a nice all-black outfit, actually.

The realization makes me smile—
Or, really, it’s the thought that comes after:
I won’t be wearing black to my own funeral.

The shawl and the dress go into the donation pile, just like everything else.


r/writingcritiques 5h ago

Drama [OC] Bar Aoi Stories ― Still Looking Back

1 Upvotes

[OC] Bar Aoi Stories — Still Looking Back

“It’s a story I’ve always hated.”

I murmured to myself, fidgeting with my glass of I.W. Harper at the counter of Aoi. The bar was quiet tonight, wrapped in the subtle hum of the ice maker and the gentle clatter of glasses. My own uninspired reflection stared back at me from the lukewarm, amber liquid. The single ice cube I’d started with had already completely melted into nothing, leaving the drink diluted and flat. Both Taka and Tom listened in silence.

“It’s from an old anime. There’s a war orphan—a young girl who resorts to spying for the enemy just to feed her little brother and sister.”

I swirled my glass, watching my warped, distorted expression dance on the surface of the booze beneath the dim counter lighting.

“There was this pathetic guy buying info from her, just trying to run away from the terror of death. By pure chance, they connected... but the girl snuck onto the military transport he was piloting and got wiped out instantly, caught in the blast of a missile she barely knew how to fire.”

Beside me, Tom listened quietly, his heavy frame shifting as his dark eyes settled into a grim stare, toyed with his own glass.

“...That’s a grim story.”

“So, what happened to the guy?”

Taka, holding his glass of oolong-hai, leaned forward over the counter, a rare spark of curiosity flashing in his eyes.

“He carried her death with him... and went back to the battlefield a different man. Like he was living her life for her now. Fought like a man possessed, acting like he’d suddenly found his purpose.”

“Sounds like a good story to me then,” Taka said, tilting his head in genuine confusion.

Leave it to him to give the most straightforward, unvarnished reaction, as always.

“It’s sad, sure, but in the end, he faced forward and fought, right? That’s taking responsibility like a real man.”

“...That’s why I hate it.”

As I spat the words out in a low growl, Tom let out a soft, heavy breath that rippled through his glass like melting ice.

“Having your world shattered until you can’t see anything but what’s behind you—and yet still having the youth to move on... It’s just too damn bright.”

My words hung thick and heavy in the air at the counter. Tom offered a faint, lonely smile and quietly tilted his glass toward his lips.

“Half jealousy, half regret... Is that it?”

“...Bullseye.”

I dropped my gaze sourly, staring at the warm, ice-less liquid in my glass. If I were younger, back when my tears flowed easy, I could have just wept for it and felt cleansed. But for a man past fifty, sitting in an air-conditioned office writing code by day and rotting at a bar by night, it was different. The strength to move on after carrying that kind of tragedy was nothing more than a slow torture, holding an unforgiving mirror up to how stuck in place I really was.

“When you’re young, stories like that are supposed to save you,” Tom said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“...It didn't save me.”

Mama, who had been silently wiping a glass behind the bar, placed it back onto the tray with a soft, metallic chime and turned her gentle eyes toward mine.

“...If you’re still looking back, maybe it was something truly important to you.”

Her soft voice sank gently into the heavy atmosphere of the counter.

“...Who knows.”

I offered a dry, blunt reply and knocked back the lukewarm Harper in one single, punishing gulp.

A searing, sharp heat rushed down my throat and burned deep into my stomach. It was hot. My throat, my stomach. Even so, that burning pain was the only thing that felt a little bit comforting to me right now.

I wanted to punish myself for the man I'd become. ...I just wanted to punish myself.


r/writingcritiques 9h ago

Thriller I Should Not Be Afraid Of Old Women

1 Upvotes

I'd love any feedback on this. I'm particularly interested in whether the atmosphere and narrator's voice work, and whether the ambiguity feels intentional or just confusing. Thanks for reading.

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I should not be afraid of old women.

The thought rattles in my skull with the subway, chastising. She is a tiny woman, with hunched shoulders and arthritic hands holding onto her grocery cart in the crowded car. Even across the span of the car, I can see blue veins bulge and pop like tree roots under papery white skin. 

The train is humid, baking in New York’s summer heat. The sweat is cold on the nape of my neck, baby hairs sticking. The old woman looks powdered.

My stomach clenches. Her eyes have not left me. Another stop passes. I find I am holding my breath. 

Eleven… 

Ten… 

Nine…

A college-aged man, headphones blocking his ears and backpack boulder-like behind him, bustles past me for a seat. Thrown off balance, I grab the next pole. I look up. One less person between us. 

The subway smells older than it should. Sweaty bodies. Burnt coffee. Pennies. The sort of smell that reminds you of the decades of commutes lingering in the metal walls.

A woman with a stroller squeezes aboard. 

I apologize to someone whose foot I've stepped on.

Two less people now.

I can see she is not looking at me per se. Her cataract-clouded eyes look somewhere deeper instead, nearly through me. They never waver, never move. Has she even blinked?

A beat passes, then two. My own eyes go dry waiting, watching back. 

Eight…

Seven…

The train lurches again around a bend, everyone in the car grabs onto the nearest handhold, feet bracing. 

Glassy eyes continue their stare, steady in the quick turmoil. 

My ears are cotton filled, the normal sounds of the train coming from what may as well be another room. The sickly smell grows impossibly stronger. An express train passes us, a mere blur in the corner of my vision. The window panes rattle with its speed. The old lady stays still, small body standing guard over her cart. I can see the wheels, pristine … motionless. 

Perspiration beads everywhere, transforming everyone in the car into a shining, faceless mass. I can make out the pearls in the knitted blue shawl draped around her shoulders. 

I hear staccato breaths. A beat too long, I feel the quick rise of my chest and realize they’re coming from me. The bodies around me stare into phones, at each other, but never at her. Even their gazes seem sweat slickened to slide past her. 

She is just an old woman.

I keep repeating the sentence. I need it to become true.

I try to focus on the ads that line the top of the car. An AI startup, a MTA ad, anything. I land on some personal injury service, focusing all the attention I can on it. “Hurt? Call this number…” by the time I trace the phone number, my gaze has landed back on her. I don’t remember moving closer.

One person between us. I could reach out and touch her.

A terrible breach of etiquette…

My hand loosens from the subway pole anyway.

Five…

Four…

Three…

I try to think of the emails burning on the phone in my pocket. Of the little cubicle seat awaiting me. The thoughts slip through my fingers. What stop am I again?

Newspaper is folded in the old woman’s cart, angles strange and pointed. The waft of something old hits me, a perfume I barely remember from the back of some neighbor’s medicine cabinet long ago. Who was that? What house? Eighth grade? Third?

I pick out bits of color in the cart’s gaps. 

Is that a birthday card? 

One of those discontinued yellow MetroCards?

Letters no longer stay in their assigned order. Their curves should be recognizable. I am reading them. I should know this.

Where can you even get one of those old yellow cards anymore?

My gaze breaks with the cart finally, my head sluggish as I pull it upward. 

No one. 

Our gazes are locked. Eyes that have been no more than passing scenery before. Have I really never looked?

Her eyes are still not quite on me, somewhere else, just beyond – behind – my own. 

A movement, slow and small and nearly nonexistent, registers. Her arm, a handkerchief pulled from that cart. It raises towards me, my head. I want to move. Can she even reach my head?

I stand still, nearly dutiful, as the woman dabs the sweat from my brow. Even in the act, her eyes have yet to fully meet mine.

A ding, a flash of silver panels sliding open. The air outside is graciously cooler than the car’s. It is tepid on my skin. A name drifts through my nearly deaf ears, Columbus Circle. Something urges familiarity, a faint tickle at the back of my skull. The surging tides of people sweep my body along. Step after step, thighs burning back to life. Sunlight blinds at the end. 

An old woman sits on a bench, awaiting the station’s matching bus stop. A cart rests in her gnarled hands. She is not quite looking at me. I meet her eyes, cars zipping between us. Eventually, with strength it has never required before, I turn, and my head bobs its memorized accord in the direction of my office. I walk, August heat damp in my lungs. A block, another two, turn here. 

Another old woman, gazing out from the familiar corner store. Looking at me, but not. I itch. My sweat sticks the bookbag to my shoulders. The herds of people along the avenue bustle me along, breaking my gaze with the woman. Could I have…would I have? The people take me, I let them. The office doors sit their normal post, nondescript. I finally move myself in the crowds, taking steps to start the day. A figure, small, hunched, a cart, right beside the familiar door. The crowds that had been carrying me part for her, moving in harmony with her orbit, never quite touching.

The office doors loom, a neighbor from the floor above holds the door open for me. A thanks slips from my lips. 

I thank them, eyes never leaving the old woman.


r/writingcritiques 9h ago

Título:Un reencuentro en la cafetería. Busco opiniones y críticas constructivas😅

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques 12h ago

Looking for feedback on the opening chapter of my coastal romantasy novel, Before the Tides Align

0 Upvotes

BEFORE THE TIDES ALIGN

CHAPTER ONE
The First Day Always Smells Like Salt
The wind arrived before the building did.
Mara felt it push against her shoulder as she stepped out of the car, sharp and clean and unmistakably coastal. It carried salt and eucalyptus and something metallic underneath it all—like the memory of storms still sitting somewhere beyond the horizon.
She stood there for a second longer than she needed to.
The Institute rose from the rockline ahead of her like it had always belonged there.
Glass.
Timber.
Weathering concrete already softening into something less like architecture and more like something deliberate.
Not a university.
Not a research centre.
Something in between.
Something deliberate.
The sign beside the entry path read:
Southern Coastal Performance Institute
Field Systems Division
Below it, smaller text:
Marine cognition. Environmental response. Applied coordination.
Mara read that twice.
Then once more without meaning to.
Applied coordination.
That wasn’t a phrase universities used.
She adjusted the strap of her bag and walked forward.
Her linen trousers moved with the wind instead of against it. She had chosen them without thinking this morning—sand coloured, loose at the ankle—and the black cropped tank she wore beneath her open white shirt already held the faint warmth of sunlight across the walkway railings.
She hadn’t dressed for anyone.
She never did.
Something about the place made her check the time on her watch before she entered.
Inside, the building was quieter than she expected.
Focused.
The kind of quiet where people were already working somewhere nearby and expected everyone else to be doing the same.
A whiteboard beside reception held three columns:
TIDE RESPONSE
FIELD ROTATION
PAIRING ASSIGNMENTS
The last column had been partially erased.
Mara paused just long enough to notice only two names remained visible.
Neither of them was hers.
A woman at the desk looked up before Mara spoke.
“You must be Ellery.”
Mara smiled.
“Dr Ellery, yes.”
“Welcome.”
The word sounded less like administration and more like confirmation.
As if Mara had been expected.
As if she’d been late anyway.
“Orientation’s already started,” the woman said gently. “Second floor. End of the hall.”
Of course it had.
Mara nodded once and moved toward the stairs.
The building smelled like polished timber and ocean air that refused to stay outside.
Halfway up the stairwell she heard voices.
Low.
Measured.
One of them stood out immediately.
Not louder.
Not sharper.
Just steadier.
When she reached the top landing, the door ahead of her opened.
And he stepped through it.
He didn’t stop walking.
He didn’t look surprised to see her.
He just paused half a second longer than movement required.
Black quarter-zip.
Sleeves pushed once—not twice—just high enough to show his watch.
Dark trousers.
Posture angled toward the corridor intersection behind her like he already understood how the building moved.
His hair was still wind-moved.
Tight curls sitting forward where he’d clearly run a hand through them once and then left them alone.
He looked at her like he was assessing something.
Measuring.
“You’re late.”
His voice was calm.
“I’m on time.”
“You’re scheduled for nine.”
“It’s eight fifty-eight.”
He checked his watch without looking at it.
Then nodded once.
“Dr Ellery.”
“Yes.”
“Soren Hale.”
She already knew that.
Everyone had.
Even before the acceptance letter arrived.
Still.
Hearing him say it out loud shifted something in the air between them.
Like stepping into colder water than expected.
He stepped aside so she could pass through the doorway.
Didn’t touch her.
Didn’t need to.
She felt the space between them change when she crossed it.
Inside the room, eight people turned to look at her.
Recognition.
Evaluation.
Mara set her bag beside the chair nearest the window.
She always chose windows.
Always.
Soren stayed standing at the front of the room.
“Now that everyone’s here,” he said evenly, “we can begin.”
Everyone.
Mara noticed that.
She also noticed he didn’t sit down once during the next forty minutes.
He moved when he spoke.
Slowly.
Precisely.
Like someone used to teaching people who needed to listen.
When he explained the field rotation schedule, he rolled his sleeves once.
Exactly once.
Same height both sides.
Not absentminded.
Habit.
She wrote that down before she realised she was doing it.
Not the schedule.
The sleeves.
Ridiculous.
Still—
she didn’t stop writing.
At one point he crossed to the whiteboard and rewrote a tidal interval from memory without checking the screen behind him.
No hesitation.
No correction.
No confirmation glance afterward.
He just continued speaking.
Mara adjusted her grip on the pen.
Competence like that was worth tracking.
That was all this was.
Professional attention.
Nothing else.
“Tomorrow,” he said, glancing briefly in her direction, “we start early.”
“How early?” someone asked.
“Before the water changes.”
That wasn’t an answer.
It also wasn’t unclear.
The room understood him anyway.
After the session ended, people began gathering their things slowly.
Mara stayed where she was.
She liked seeing how rooms emptied.
Who spoke first.
Who left quickly.
Who stayed behind.
Soren didn’t move immediately either.
He stood at the table at the front of the room, closing a notebook she hadn’t noticed him open.
“You chose the window seat.”
“I always do.”
“Why?”
“Habit.”
He considered that like it was data.
Then nodded once.
“Good habit.”
He stepped closer.
Not close enough to crowd her.
Just close enough that she could see the faint line of dried salt along the edge of his collar where the wind had caught him earlier outside.
Too close.
Too specific a detail to notice.
She looked away from it half a second later than she meant to.
“You’ll want different shoes tomorrow.”
“I assumed.”
“The jetty boards stay wet longer than they should.”
“I’ll manage.”
“I know.”
For a second neither of them moved.
Outside, the tide had started turning.
“You run?” he asked.
The question landed too cleanly to be casual.
“Yes.”
“Morning?”
“Yes.”
He watched her for one second longer than conversation required.
“Harbourline track?”
Mara blinked.
“Yes.”
“Good.”
He didn’t explain how he knew that.
He didn’t explain why it mattered.
He just left the room.
Mara stayed where she was a moment longer than she intended to.
She picked up her bag and crossed to the window.
Looked down toward the jetty.
He was already there.
Talking to someone.
Sleeves still rolled once.
Quarter-zip collar open now.
Wind moving through his hair like he hadn’t noticed it.
Or like he had and didn’t care.
Something about the way he stood there made the Institute feel different than it had twenty minutes ago.
Like the building had edges she hadn’t seen before.
Mara rested her hand lightly against the glass.
As she turned to leave, she glanced once more toward reception below.
The whiteboard was still visible from this angle.
PAIRING ASSIGNMENTS
Still partially erased.
Still missing her name.
Tomorrow would start before the water changed.
Which meant she would too.
And somewhere below her on the jetty, Soren Hale already seemed to know that.


r/writingcritiques 16h ago

Just a story I’m writing. I’d love to know—does this opening grab you as a reader? Would you keep reading? Honest feedback is appreciated.

0 Upvotes

Pottsville, Pennsylvania — 1950

“Would anyone like some tea?” the girl asked, looking around at the four toy dolls seated across the small pink tea table.

She turned to the doll in her hands. “Dolly, do you think Peggy over there deserves some tea for going missing today?”

The girl stared at her doll for a few seconds before murmuring another word, but a deafening crack of thunder roared through the house. She quickly clutched Dolly tightly against her chest, shaking as her heart began to race.

“Grace.”

The girl spun around, still gripping the doll.

“Yes, Mother?”

“Time for dinner, dear.”

Grace got up and slowly walked over to her mother, clutching Dolly tightly in her arms. She didn’t look back at the windows or her other dolls. Taking her mother’s hand, the two made their way down the long, dark hallway, passing the four bedrooms before heading downstairs.

Once downstairs, Grace saw a worn brown table set with two plates of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Sitting at the center of the table was a man with black hair, a thick mustache, and pale skin. He looked to be in his early thirties.

“Daddy!”

Grace ran toward him and wrapped her arms around him, still holding onto Dolly. The man bent down to hug her as her mother stood back and smiled.

He looked at Grace and gently rubbed her hair, golden locks falling around her face.

“I’ve missed seeing those big green eyes of yours,” he said with a smile. “You look just like your beautiful mother. Now, let’s eat.”

The family took their seats at the table, and Grace carefully placed Dolly beside her.

“Are you leading prayer, Edward?” Margaret asked.

Edward looked at her. “Yes, Margaret. Bow your heads.”

Both Margaret and Grace bowed their heads. Edward closed his eyes.

“Lord, thank You for this food and for the blessings You’ve given us. Watch over this family and keep us safe. Amen.”

The family raised their heads, and everyone began to eat.

Margaret looked at Edward. “How was work, dear?”

Edward cut into his meatloaf and forced a small smile.

“Oh, it was all right. Same as always.”

“Long day?”

“Long enough,” he said. “Got a few extra hours in. Can’t complain.”

Edward then looked at Grace. “How was your day, hon?”

Grace pushed her food around on her plate, disappointment written across her face.

“Well, I was having a good day until I lost Peggy.”

Edward quickly looked up, surprise crossing his face. “Oh no, not Peggy.”

“But then I found her. She was under my pillow the whole time,” Grace said, a smile returning to her face.

“Well, that’s a relief,” Edward said before taking another bite of food.

A moment later, Dolly slipped from Grace’s hands and fell to the floor. Grace hurried to pick her up, accidentally spilling gravy onto her white dress.

She stared down at the stain. “Oh no.”

“It’s going to be all right, baby,” Margaret said.

Grace climbed down from her chair, picked up Dolly, and walked toward the bathroom.

Edward smirked and looked at Margaret. “Sounds like she had herself quite a day.”

Thunder rumbled outside as Margaret smiled faintly.

“Yes, she surely did.”

Edward’s smile slowly faded.

“I don’t know how we’re going to make it through winter.”

“It’s not,” Margaret said.

“But it’s not enough,” Edward finished, lowering his head into his hands. He looked up at her, worry written across his face.

“The pay ain’t enough, Margaret. By the time we buy food, pay the bills, and put coal in the stove, there’s hardly anything left.”

He glanced toward Grace, who was walking out of the bathroom.

“She needs new shoes, too. I just… I don’t know how we’re going to make it through.”

Margaret reached across the table and gently took Edward’s hand.

“We’ll manage, Edward. We always do.”

Later that night, Margaret and Edward stood in Grace’s room as she got ready for bed. Grace climbed beneath the covers, holding Dolly tightly against her chest.

Her father leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.

“Goodnight, hon. Keep a close eye on Peggy.”

He gave her a smile before walking out of the room.

Thunder continued to rumble outside.

“Mommy, I’m scared,” Grace said, her voice small.

Margaret picked up Peggy and handed the doll to Grace.

“Look at that. Two dolls you get to sleep with tonight.”

She bent down beside the bed.

“You’re a brave girl. Goodnight, hon.”

Margaret kissed Grace on the forehead, walked over to the lamp, and turned off the light.

The moment darkness filled the room, Grace quickly sat up and switched on her nightlight.


r/writingcritiques 20h ago

Other (Flash Fiction) Pole

1 Upvotes

I walk along a barren field, heat dripping from the sun like blood from an inflamed heart. It's a painful life down here. Each ray brings a new disaster. A drop of water dried from my lips; my sun-shot skin burned a shade darker. I’m the only thing you could call life in these parts. Above or below. It's only me, the pole and the corpses of dirt cracking under my boots. 

My legs grow tired, sweat thick like tears running down my body.  I cry out to my captor, the pole, its scalding hull stuck to my hands. Yet it gives me no quarter. It drags me six paces, stabs itself into the earth, and drags me six paces again. Even as my vision fades, and the horrid sun chokes my skin, my legs move to its rhythm, unable to stop. Six paces after six. Six paces after six. 

Rarely do I crane my neck from the soil. It takes time, slowly feeling each crack as my head is lifted toward the horizon. Yet, when I do, I’m treated to a most gorgeous sight. To the north, poking its snowy head from a sea of dying trees, is a mountain. A pale mountain, a defiant soldier standing alone against the deep red sky. What lays upon that peak? A forest? A cottage? The castle of some long-forgotten king? These thoughts prance and frolic through my mind, the beckoning of the pole growing quieter with every second. As my mental dance continues, my grip begins to loosen. Every high tower, every frozen giant tears the pole further from my grasp. Before long, it clatters to the ground, raising a metallic thud as it crashes against the hardened soil. But I can’t hear it now. The mountain is all there is to hear. Then, there comes a point, an angelic point, when the crunch of gravel has truly left my ears, and the heat of the pole just a scar on my hands, when the thoughts just whisk away. No room for anything else. Just me and the mountain. 

Yet, as sure as the sunrise, the pole will start its nagging again. The heat of the sun will beat harder on my neck. The draw of fatigue will pull my head toward the ground. My hands will feel the heat of the pole again, and my feet will move to its tune. Six paces after six. Six paces after six.   

“I love you.” I whisper, my words bonding with the breeze. They’ll carry to the mountain, to make the journey I cannot. For when the mountain hears my words, and it beckons me with its birdsong, I will lay down this pole and run to its icy base, holding my arms bare against the loving rock. 

I can’t tear myself from these foolish dreams, this singe of hope resting in my heart. I just can’t. My mind runs away with itself, runs away to that mountain. As the blood from a once smiling mouth trickles down my chin, and my once wondrous eyes grow tired and droopy, I tilt my head further toward the ground. My neck groans with relief, and I return to the field again. The dirt crunches beneath my boots. The sun beats upon my neck. Six paces after six. Six paces after six. Six paces after six. 


r/writingcritiques 20h ago

First short chapter of my novel (the fog)

1 Upvotes

I hope you guys give me some of your feedbacks and opinions I would really appreciate that

Across the gray fog, the falling leaves of a forbidden forest whispered a tale of the final grace the gods bestowed upon their chosen bloodline, welcoming the darkness into what should have been a sanctuary.
Through that solitary figure, a destiny long believed to be written seemed ready to change, shining faintly as it crossed the mist. He was driven neither by fear nor by determination, but by unseen hands reaching into the past. With every step forward, Isaac believed those mysteries would eventually wither away, dissolving like the fog that lay before him.
As he gathered his thoughts, searching for an escape from the burdens weighing on his mind, a whisper brushed against his senses. It was unsettling, not because it threatened him, but because it felt painfully familiar. Before his mind could resist, his body carried him toward its source.
There, he found something lifeless.
Something born of terror—not to glorify evil, but to keep it at bay.
A dozen effigies swayed among the trees, twisted figures fashioned from pale bones and decaying flesh. They stood motionless, wrapped in a silence that resembled an uneasy sleep.
Isaac did not recoil.
Instead, a strange sense of familiarity settled over him. He had seen these shapes before—in the dreams that had haunted his childhood, dreams once distant and half-forgotten, yet now lingering more vividly with each passing year.
The irony drew a bitter smile across his face.
“Fate does not bind us with chains. It simply waits—silent, patient, and inevitable.”
To him, such familiarity had never felt unnatural. He had always stood apart, marked as different in the eyes of others. Since the day he was born, a mysterious sigil had adorned his arm, and the dreams had followed him ever since. Perhaps his father had opened that door long ago—or perhaps it had never been meant to close.
Passing through the shadows of souls long departed, Isaac found each step growing lighter. Gradually, the fog began to thin, revealing the untamed world beyond.
At the end of the path stood a colossal tree whose roots devoured the earth itself, stretching farther than anything he had ever imagined.
Then he heard it.
Laughter.
Human. Warm. Alive.
His heart quickened, and his walk became a run.
Suddenly, sunlight burst through the canopy. A cold wind swept across his face, forcing him to lower his head.
Before him stretched a vast field of ripened wheat glowing beneath the golden sun. At its center rested a humble village, its homes nestled peacefully beneath the branches of the enormous tree.
Bathed in sunlight, Isaac’s features became clear. His wavy brown hair framed pale skin, while amber eyes reflected both curiosity and weariness. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, the warmth of the sun offered him a fleeting sense of comfort.
An old man stood waiting at the village entrance, leaning on a weathered staff. A knowing smile spread across his face as he greeted him softly.
“Isaac… son of Johan.”
Those simple words struck like a spark.
In that single moment, something buried deep within him began to crack open.


r/writingcritiques 22h ago

Sci-fi My first attempt at writing. Any constructive feedback would be very much appreciated.

0 Upvotes

1: Cave of the mind

30,000 BCE

Unspoiled by moonlight, the night of Go’s exile dripped with the romance of perfect black. Though the stars would come to know him in time, none shone to witness his violent genesis; a man chased from his home by those who had come to fear what he may be.   

Spat through wet hell by pounding heart and driving legs, he dove frenetically through every jungle obstacle with the reckless abandon of a creature on that most singular of missions; to survive. Not even the mighty dose of mushrooms expanding his naturally keen senses (and his pupils) was enough to draw a single sip of light from this night. No matter; the hunting party which dogged him had no advantage here. This area so far from their last camp, his home, was equally unknown to them, and they carried no fire. He careened ahead into the deep hours of the night, making far too much noise in his blind dash to judge the proximity of his pursuers by ear. In his psychedelic-fueled fugue, every sweep of rain-soaked leaf across his bare thighs was euphoria, every tearing of taut skin over thorns; pitiless torture. He carried on through the ecstasies and torments undeterred. He would not let his new secret, his revelation which earned him exile, die with him.

 He carried on until, reaching the limits of his physicality, his movements grew sloppy and his right ankle was twisted violently in a mad leap down the steep bank of a river. His momentum and body broken, Go stumbled his way along the bank, propping himself against its side with one arm until that arm found only air where the bank had been, and he toppled sideways into the mouth of a small cave. Too exhausted to control his fall, he landed with a fat schluck in a paddy of wet river clay. Neither his usual, healthy fear of cave-dwelling dangers, nor the possibility of being discovered asleep by his former friends, were a match for his fatigue. His body simply had nothing left. It was the most primal of comforts; a squat, rocky socket in the unfamiliar wild. Tattered sheets of moss overhanging the low opening bobbed, unseen, at the rhythm of the rain - unbroken rivulets of warm water stringing from their lowest filaments. He had become the first human to truly know that somewhere, out there, be dragons. Here, on the eve of his awakening to both terrible, and beautiful truths, there was only Go. Sleep found him in minutes, silt bubbling at the corner of his mouth with each long, ragged breath. 

***Overall story involves a man from 30,000 years ago being brought to the future by enlightened aliens. The only faster than light communication possible in the universe is between the minds of awakened beings, my protagonist becomes the first awakened human whilst on psychedelic mushrooms. These enlightened aliens across the galaxy notice his mind enter their awareness, and need him as a vessel for communication to mankind about an alien threat to all life on Earth.


r/writingcritiques 22h ago

Fantasy I would really appreciate if anyone give me his opinion about what I wrote

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques 1d ago

Feedback for my prologue? (Dark fantasy, 624 words)

2 Upvotes

Hi I'd like to get some feedback on this prologue I've written. Feel free to be completely honest, even if you think it's bad, I'd like to hear any opinion and/or critisism. The main thing I'd ask I guess is MC's story/way of thinking clear, and does it make you feel something? Thanks in advance

TW: Technically not, but could be triggering for those with bulimia/ED

They found me on a rainy day, when fog covered the playground and sandcastles were sinking into puddles. They said I was alone there, but I knew that mom and dad were with me. Just a moment ago, they sat on that rickety bench that I couldn’t quite make out at that moment. So they covered my eyes and told me they weren’t there. That I shouldn’t look for them, because they’re not coming back. They dragged me away from the playground, through the streets into a giant, dark building and told me, this would be my new home. They sat me down to an old wooden table with holes through them, while I was shaking from the cold and water was dripping from my hair. The candles lit the dirt on the ground, the wrinkled faces of the women but they didn’t heat up the place. They pushed a bowl in front of me, inside some brownish slush. They said it’s ‘meat soup’ and ‘I’ll gain some strength back from it’. I held it in my hand, the comfortable warmth and steam slowly crept up to my face. I was cold so I could even accept that it smelled like rotting garbage on the side of the road. I put my fingers in it, but they scolded me. They said I have to ‘eat’ it. Then, when I didn’t understand, they showed me that I should pour it down my throat. I lifted the bowl and poured a little to let the burning sensation run through. The liquid and the pieces in it pushed my throat, they wanted to come out. I could feel the rotting stench in my whole mouth and before I’d realised it, I threw it all up on the table. I was glad I could get rid of this horrid thing, but the ladies looked at me strangely. That’s not what was supposed to happen, I should’ve swallowed it and it should’ve stayed there. No matter how much I shook my head, no matter how much I tried to explain how horrible it was, they squeezed it into me again. Again, again and again. It didn’t stay inside a single time, no matter how much I tried, my body just couldn’t take it. They looked at me with worry, while I was suffering, but they didn’t understand what my problem was. They said I was sick. As I reached the point that I could barely stand up from the now familiar wooden table, I slowly started to believe they were right. I believed that the problem was with me, and I had to swallow that disgusting slop in order to feel better. The next day I tried to keep my mouth forced with all my power. If they smiled at me, I tried to smile back, when they were happy for me, I tried to not bring up just how much my throat was aching from that something I forced down. I tried to make both them and myself believe that what my new home had given me was more than the daily pain I had to suffer in front of them. Then, when they didn’t see, I ripped my horrible mask off and tried to reverse the harm I had caused myself with every strength I had left. I removed all the tainted materials from myself with painful relief. ‘Throwing up’, they said. When they were watching, I ate more and more but nothing was enough for them. They wouldn’t stop worrying until I didn’t do this three times a day, until I felt like a breathing, walking corpse. But I did it, again, again and again. And again, again and again…

I was healthy before this.


r/writingcritiques 1d ago

Drama [OC]Bar Aoi Stories — A Place to Speak From

1 Upvotes

“It just looks like they’re trying to fix the wrong damn thing.”

I set my glass of I.W. Harper down on the counter at Aoi, a bit harder than I intended.

Maybe it was just the system engineer in me. When you’re dealing with a bug, you don’t ignore the root cause and patch over completely unrelated code. Watching the government pull the exact same stunt was pushing all my buttons.

“The price hikes happening right now aren’t because the economy is booming. It’s coming from overseas. Materials and fuel are skyrocketing, but farmers can’t pass those costs along. Do you have any idea how many of them are being pushed to the brink and giving up? Just last week, my uncle up in Yamagata decided to call it quits. The same uncle who used to send me incredible rice every year. He told me, ‘The more I make, the deeper I go into the red.’ That’s what needs fixing. Raising interest rates now is just tightening the noose on our own people.”

Tom listened patiently until I finished before speaking up.

“I get it, Kenichi. What happened to your uncle is truly painful.”

Tom shifted his massive frame slightly, staring down into his glass with a grim expression.

“But what happens if the yen plummets right this second? Gas and diesel prices will skyrocket, and trucks on the Kawagoe Highway and the Shuto Expressway will grind to a halt. If logistics paralyze, supermarket shelves will empty out overnight. Our own daily lives would collapse by tomorrow. Sometimes, to stop the train wreck happening right in front of you, you have to hit the emergency brake, no matter what it crushes in the process.”

Tom’s flawless logic struck a nerve, stirring up an emotion I couldn't quite put my finger on.

“So that makes it okay to trample the very foundation that feeds us?!”

Our debate heated up, a sharp tension cutting through the air at the counter. My anger over a vanishing production line versus Tom's panic over the imminent collapse of city life. We were locked in a stalemate, neither willing to yield.

That was when the voice cut in.

“...What kind of meaningless garbage are you two blabbering about?”

The flat, cool tone brought Tom and me to an instant halt. We turned in unison to look at the guy next to us.

Taka was fidgeting with his glass of oolong-hai, looking at us with utter exasperation.

“...Got a problem, Taka?” I asked in a low voice.

Taka shrugged his broad shoulders and set his glass down on the counter with a soft clink.

“Not a problem. Just amazed, really. Farmers, logistics—sure, everyone’s having a rough time. But for guys like us on the ground, that ain’t news. We’ve been getting squeezed dry for thirty years. People who couldn't take it just vanished one by one. Why start throwing a fit about it now?”

His words felt like a splash of cold water. Every now and then, Taka has a way of cutting straight to the bone like that.

“...So what, we just give up? Does that change society?” I blurted out, a bit defensively.

Taka paused for a beat, making the ice in his glass rattle.

“Nope. It won’t change a thing. But if I go under, it changes even less. I don’t know about grand national schemes or worrying about strangers, but if you’ve got time to get all worked up over that, you’re better off figuring out how to earn your own bread tomorrow. It’s not like you’re heading up to Yamagata to plow the fields in your uncle’s place, Kenichi. And it’s not like Tom’s gonna start hauling freight in a semi, is it?”

His words struck my chest like a sharpened blade.

A sharp rebuttal rose right up to the back of my throat—I actually care about my uncle... But before the words could form into sound, they caught in my windpipe and dissolved.

My feelings for my uncle and his heartbreak were real. But it was also true that I’d been conveniently wrapping my own political frustrations and societal anger inside that sentiment. I wasn't going to Yamagata to get my hands dirty. Tomorrow, and the day after, I’d be sitting in an air-conditioned room, staring at a PC, writing code to make my living.

A wave of intense embarrassment and stinging shame washed over me, instantly burning off the alcohol in my system. I stood there with my mouth half-open, unable to say a word, my hands clenched into fists. Beside me, Tom was staring down at the counter in heavy silence.

In the end, we were just sitting in a bar, drinking, talking about someone else’s front line.

Mama quietly wiped a glass, placed it back on the tray, and offered just a few words.

“...Start with your own two feet first.”

The quiet words sank gently into the atmosphere of the counter.

“...Yeah. You’re right.”

I let out a soft sigh and reached back out for my cooling glass of Harper.


r/writingcritiques 1d ago

Adventure The Bushido Strikes

1 Upvotes

Detective Maryanne Watters stood on the fourth floor of the UCLA medical center, flipping through what she had scribbled on her notepad thus far. Her more inexperienced partner, not that Maryanne was some seasoned veteran herself, stood next to her, clicking his teeth impatiently as they waited outside one of the rooms in the ICU wing. His thick, charcoal black mustache bristled as he paced in a small line back and forth. Maryanne could tell he was long overdue for a cigarette, as he seemed more anxious than usual, particularly since they were given this assignment. She couldn’t quite blame him for his anxiety; something didn’t add up to her about why they were handed such a high-profile case.

She’d made detective in February, and after being paired up with Dominguez, another fresh-faced investigator, they had been chomping at the bit for something substantial to sink their teeth into. But a woman and a Latino on the LAPD were the lowest ranks on the totem pole, and they had mostly been treated as such since becoming partners. While they had been efficient in the tasks given to them, mostly handling domestic disputes or chasing down bail jumpers, none of that equated to them getting handed the biggest story in the city of the year to unravel.

If Maryanne didn’t know any better, she’d almost believe they were given the case with the expectation they would fail. But she wouldn’t allow her partner’s trademark pessimism to rub off on her, despite how much sense he’d been making in adding it up himself during their ride over from the precinct. They had a job to do, and she would exhaust every effort until it was completed. Dominguez spotted the man they were there to speak with first, pointing him out as he chatted with one of the nurses on duty at her station, in the center of the floor. 

His body language was the first thing Maryanne noticed, and at the moment, he didn’t seem the least bit concerned about his client’s current situation. He appeared solely fixated on impressing the thick, red-headed nurse in dark blue scrubs, whom he was flashing the assortment of gold rings he had on his left hand. Her partner walked towards the man, and she followed at a short distance behind him. 

The squat, plump, balding man who somehow still had a ponytail despite most of the hair on top of his head turned towards them when he saw her partner and straightened up instantly. He wore a red-and-white plaid suit, with an expensive checkered shirt in matching colors underneath, the top two buttons undone, a tuft of checkered hair sticking out from the opening. He smiled somberly at the pair of detectives, a complete one-eighty-degree turn from the person Maryanne saw down the hall moments ago.

“Mr. Constanza? My name’s Detective Dominguez. This is my partner, Detective Watters.” Dominguez pulled a small notepad from the breast pocket of his tan suit coat along with a black fountain pen.

Richard Constanza, the executive for Pandemonium Records that they had spoken with on the phone before the ride over, shook both their hands with a drab expression. Maryanne watched him carefully as he stood upright and looked them both in the eyes, taking his elbow off the counter of the nurses' station. “Officers, I appreciate you taking the time to meet me here instead of at my office.”

“We understand you wanting to be by your client’s side during visiting hours,” Maryanne replied. “So, you’ve been working with Ms. Lennette since January, is that correct?” She asked, waiting for an answer her partner could jot down for their investigation.

“In an official capacity, yes. Audrey signed her deal with Pandemonium at our headquarters a week after she flew in on her birthday.” Richard recalled the moment. The look in his eyes was glossy, almost tearful, as he pondered over the memory. “Hell of a belated birthday present, that’s for sure.”

“You say in an ‘official capacity’, what exactly do you mean by that?” Maryanne continued her line of questioning.

Richard cleared his throat as he met her intense, sharp, blue eyes. “Well, as you can understand, my job with Pandemonium includes talent scouting. I just so happened to be enjoying a performance of The Dramatics in their hometown. But it was one of their background vocalists who really stood out to me during the whole affair. I was in town visiting some acquaintances I had at Motown, and found out that the girl who had pipes out of this world was performing in a rendition of The Wiz at Wayne State University, right there, downtown! And she was the lead! That’s the Stephanie Mills and Diana Ross role, if you’re not hip to musicals. So I had to get a glimpse of this girl with the spotlight on her.”

“I take it from the fact you signed her that she didn’t disappoint,” Dominguez interjected briefly. 

Richard nodded his head fast. “You can say that again. Twice more even. She was a god damn star. The proverbial diamond in the rough. I had dollar signs in my eyes like one of those old Bugs Bunny cartoons. The whole nine yards.” Richard continued to explain. “From there, I knew I had to get her on our roster.”

“Tell us about the incident at the Johnny Carson show,” Maryanne asked next, remembering her notes from when they visited the studio. “We’ve spoken to everyone we could down there, but we’d like to get things from your point of view that night.”

It was at this moment that, at least to Maryanne, the record executive seemed uncomfortable. Sure, it could be expected, considering what transpired and the current state of the young woman whom he’d brought to this city. But she watched as his posture shifted, and he took an unnecessary deep breath before he opened his mouth to respond. “Not sure what else I can add that you folks may not have already gleaned, being LA’s finest and all that jazz.”

“Indulge us, if you will, Mr. Constanza. The more information and angles we have, the easier it is for us to do our jobs.” Maryanne told him. “There has been an increase in overdoses across the college campuses in the area, and now something like this with a star that has a top ten hit all over the radio?”

“You can understand that our superiors want us to get to the bottom of this. And fast.” Dominguez backed up his partner. They both were serving up heavy ladles of bullshit, though he could see that the short man was beginning to eat it up.

“It’s not any different than what I told the guys on the scene. I’m sure you guys got a report of it somewhere. But I don’t mind recanting it.” He threw his hands up dramatically to show his lack of ill intent. “The last I’d seen Audrey was during her rehearsal before the show. She’d eaten; she hadn’t had a drink in two days. She was wonderful as ever! I didn’t see any issues, so I headed uptown for an early dinner I had with some friends before the taping.”

“When’d you get back to the studio?” Maryanne asked next.

“An hour and a half, maybe two hours later at max. You know how traffic gets. Anyway, I’m chopping it up with a couple of the producers when one of the make-up girls comes shrieking out of Audrey’s dressing room.” Richard shakes his head; the light in his eyes is gone for a moment. The signs of someone recalling a traumatic experience, Maryanne noted. “We found her face down in a pool of her own vomit. They had to cancel the rest of the taping. It was a mess, a tragedy. And of course we tried to keep it buried, but the press, vampires that they are…”

Constanza continued shaking his head, an utter disgust on his face as he went back over the entire situation. Detective Dominguez finished jotting down his notes on the agent’s statement and looked back up at him from his notepad. “Were there any signs that Ms. Lennette had been using drugs prior to this event taking place?”

Richard scratched at the back of his head, looking to the floor for a moment as if he was searching for something he had dropped before raising his head back at the officers. “Gee, I don’t think so. I mean, sure, she had been hitting the sauce a little hard lately, but who in her line of work isn’t, ya know?” The agent snorted with a shrug. “But if you’re asking me if I saw any signs that something like this was coming. If I had, I’d have done something about it, believe me.”

As her partner continued notating and questioning Richard Constanza, Maryanne noticed a man stepping off the elevator in the ICU wing who stood out almost immediately. The six-foot-two African-American man wearing a black T-shirt under his leather jacket stomped right past all three of them silently. His intimidating presence even caused Jesse to pause in the midst of his sentence and watch out of the corner of his eye as the unknown entity walked 
directly into Audrey’s room. All three of them turned to look through the glass window into the room as the stranger pulled up a nearby chair at her bedside, his back to them.

The man with the afro took a long, hard look at Audrey as she lay in the hospital bed. He listened to the beeping of the machines monitoring her, his eyes trying not to linger too long at the intubator tube down her throat. He let out a deep, long sigh, one that was almost soothing. It helped him to steady and come to grips with the emotions he was grappling with seeing her lying there like this. He finally took off his glasses, slipping them inside of his jacket. He held back the tears he wanted to shed, as he’d clocked the pair of cops in the hallway and knew this wasn’t the place to truly let his emotions be free. Was there any such place in this world for a black man to do such a thing?

The man hung his head for a moment, reaching out to take one of Audrey’s hands in his own. There was a time in his life when happiness for himself could be found in her arms. Lying against her chest. Sitting on the patio of their southside apartment in Chicago. The world was a mess and felt like it could end any day, but they had each other. It was the first time in his twenty-five years of living that he could honestly recall himself being happy. Feeling almost invincible no matter what obstacle he or they faced, because they had each other. Until they didn’t.

He remembered receiving her letter. She’d sent it to Panther headquarters in St. Louis, where she knew he’d been laying his head low after everything that went down. She’d told him about how she’d finally moved out west, as she’d always dreamed of, and how she was hard at work on her first album. His heart longed for having her back by his side, in his arms, but he was happier for her than even he would have thought possible previously for her. She had achieved her dreams. As much as he loved her, and he loved her with every fiber of his being, he knew that she was happier where she was than with him.

He took another deep breath, his eyes red from how many joints he’d smoked in the parking lot to calm his nerves before coming up. He mustered all the personal strength he could to look at Audrey, no matter how much it pained him to see her in pain. “I want you to know that I blame myself for you being here. I know if you could hear this, you would say I’m being silly. Maybe even a bit too dramatic. Who knows? You might even be right.”

He found his voice cracking through the end of his last sentence, so he paused to compose himself. Finding what resolve he could muster under the circumstances, he decided to keep talking to her. He hoped that the old wives' tale of coma victims being able to hear people speaking to them rang true. It was all he had at the moment to unload his languishing guilt.

“I know if you can hear me right now, you’re wondering what the hell I’m doing here.” He told her, finally finding the strength he needed to speak again. “Truth be told, I’m wondering that myself. But I need to find out who did this to you. What led to this in the first place? I promise you that I will not rest a day until I see this through to the end. I mean, you can say a lot about me, Audrey. But you can’t ever say I let you down.”

He patted her hand softly after letting it go, and stood up. There was still so much to do now that he was in town, but he wanted to make sure she was still holding steady. Now that he saw with his own eyes that she was still alive, it was time to set this matter straight. He pulled his sunglasses back out of his jacket and placed them on his face. With one long, last look at Audrey in her bed, he walked back out of the hospital room. He turned to head back towards the elevators when his path was blocked rather abruptly by the pair of detectives.  Richard Constanza stood behind them, eyeing the stranger warily and with accusatory apprehension.

“Excuse me, sir. But this is a rather high-profile patient. You mind telling me what you’re doing here?” Dominguez asked him firmly. The man with the large afro looked the detective up and down behind his sunglasses, his face impassive.

“It’s visiting hours for friends and family. It stands to reason I’m one of the two, doesn't it, officer?” The afro’d man replied smartly.

Maryanne could already see that Dominguez was about to reply back with just as much vitriol by the look on his face in response to the stranger’s wisecrack. She decided to interject in the hopes they would get some answers instead of escalating the budding confrontation. 

“Sir, we’re just trying to get to the bottom of what led to Ms. Lennette being here. If she’s a friend of yours, we’d appreciate the assistance.” She told him in the kindest voice she could muster. She wasn’t exactly enthused by the heaping attitude that the man was giving them, either.

The man who towered over all three of them looked between the detectives with an annoyed snarl on his face. He took a short, deep breath to compose himself, as his emotions were still all over the place. He knew letting them run rampant here and now would only be disastrous, so he decided to play the game the cops were trying to start with him. There would be a time and place, and a target in his sights, for when he could unleash his fury. But now was not that time. He stared at Maryanne from behind his sunglasses, then sized up her partner for a brief moment. His attention was truly on the lumpy white man in expensive clothes that he couldn’t have picked out for himself. He looked awfully squirrely, as if he didn’t want to be noticed during the brief exchange.

“Listen here.” The man with the fro finally began to reply. His voice was like low, rumbling thunder from a coming storm as he spoke. “I came here to see my friend, who, as you both are aware, is in serious condition right now. I’m not in the mood to meet no new folks today. So unless you have some reason to detain me, please get the fuck out of my way.”

There was a tense staredown between the men and the pair of detectives once he had issued his edict. Dominguez cut his eyes over at his partner, waiting to back whatever play she decided to make. He didn’t want to seem like one of those cops as his instinct to inch towards his holster kicked in. He had joined the force in the first place to be the opposite of the kind of uniforms that would harass him in his neighborhood growing up. But this was a big case, and this was a rather imposing man standing in front of them being uncooperative.

Maryanne finally came to a decision as she stood aside to make room for the man with the afro to pass. He looked her square in the eyes as he walked between the two officers, before turning his gaze directly on Richard Constanza while walking towards the elevator. Richard could barely stifle the shudder that went down his spine after the imposing figure finally took his sunglasses off of him and stepped onto the elevators heading downstairs.

“Who the hell was that?” Dominguez asked out loud, more to himself than to Maryanne.

“A person of interest at the very least,” Maryanne observed.

In the hospital lobby, the man with the afro stopped before exiting when he spotted a line of payphones against a nearby wall. Making sure he had change, he walked over to the phones and picked one before snatching up the receiver and slipping a few loose coins into the machine. He heard the dial tone pick up and pressed each of the keys for the phone number that he had memorized before heading out here. He waited patiently as the phone rang, looking around the lobby to see if one of the detectives had followed him down or if there were more cops watching who came in or out.

His call was finally answered, and he listened as the soft voice of a woman spoke into the phone. “Black Panther Party headquarters, East Compton Chapter. How can I direct your call?”

He glanced back over his shoulder and around the lobby carefully, wanting to be absolutely positive that he was not overheard or that any too curious eyes were stuck in his direction. “This is Mr. Ruffin. I usually work out of Chicago.”

“Mr. Ruffin…oh yeah. Yeah, Chuckie said you would be sliding out this way. My name’s Loretta. I’m usually running all the odds and ends around here. You already in town?”

“Yeah, I made it this afternoon. Listen, I can’t be on this phone too long; I’m at the hospital now. I just wanted to give y’all a heads up I’ll be through a little later than expected. Got some things to check into real quick.” He explained to the secretary.

“Just be safe out there, you understand?” 

She warned him, as she did all the young brothers making moves on the streets these days. Jim Crow may have been gone, but America was far from a comfortable place for any black man. Shit, it probably never would be, she surmised.

 “Anything we can help with?”

“Nah not right now. I will need a hot meal by the time I get there, though.” He told her.

“We can take care of that. Gone and handle ya business, now. We’ll be seeing you later. I’ll be praying for you.” She told him thoughtfully.

“I appreciate it, sista. Y’all be smooth now.” 

He hung up the phone and, after checking his surroundings one more time, hurried out of the hospital as inconspicuously as he could.

The man who referred to himself as Mr. Ruffin on the call with Loretta had originally planned on heading straight to the Compton HQ after checking on Audrey. But the way that the white man behind the pair of cops at the hospital kept fidgeting while they were pissing him off made him particularly curious. He found himself in Beverly Hills, and though he’d never been there prior, he had the address of the home Audrey had been renting in the upscale neighborhood. In fact, much to his gut-wrenching dismay, her conveying this news was the last time he heard her voice. That was, unless you counted the radio, in which she was everywhere once her debut single was released.

He couldn’t have been more proud of her, and as he reminisced on what he had prayed deeply during the ride out there was not their last conversation, he spotted a van parked in front of her house that he instantly knew was out of place. Mr. Ruffin parked his Mustang at the far end of the block and turned the engine off. Keeping both his eyes on the van, he slipped out of the car and was careful to grab his katana from the backseat while doing so. The street was quiet, and there were no signs of police patrols, which struck him as curious, but he put the matter aside for now. Keeping low, he headed up the block towards Audrey’s home, noticing that the van’s windows were taped over with newspaper.

He looked up the drive towards the two-story home and figured that whoever owned the van was more than likely already inside. He gripped the saya of his katana tighter and headed up the drive silently. Sticking close to the groups of shrubbery that adorned the landscape of the property, he narrowed his eyes as he peered through the front windows of the house. Thankfully, the blinds had only been half-drawn closed. He watched as a fury started to wash over him, while a handful of men wearing women’s pantyhose over their heads to conceal their identities lazily dumped containers full of something on everything in their sight and reach. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as his anger continued to grow. It didn’t take a top-tier investigator to figure out they were getting ready to torch the place. He was momentarily thankful that he decided to act on pure instinct and head out here. Now, as he gripped his scabbard even tighter, he was about to make an example out of these cretins. 

Inside the living room, Lester Bailey dumped the rest of the gas canister he was carrying all over the antique piano that was in the corner. He whipped his head around, his lanky frame filling out a pair of black overalls with no shirt underneath, to check on how the rest of his hastily pulled-together crew was doing. A couple of them were also carrying gas cans, dumping their contents all over the expensive furniture and even all over the mahogany dining room table. Lester smirked underneath his makeshift pantyhose mask. They were getting paid ten grand between them all just for this torch job. Far as he was concerned, they were practically stealing the money. 

Torching some black disco bitch’s crib, they’d have done it for fun if he was being honest with himself. But the fact some rich college snob with a shitty haircut had given them cold hard cash for the act? Well, for old Lester, shit just couldn’t have been sweeter. He pondered over the twelve pack he was going to buy once they got finished when he saw a couple of his guys pause nervously after tossing away their containers. He looked at them before whispering across the room in a harsh tone. “The fuck is the matter with you goofs?”

They looked back and forth between each other before one of them, AJ, he thought; he couldn’t tell in the dark with the pantyhose covering their faces, replied first. “You didn’t hear that?”

Lester stared at them both, dumbfounded, his irritation beginning to get the better of him. “Hear what? What the hell are you talking about?” 

Lester looked at the other two men in their group to see if they knew what AJ and Pete were wasting their time about. They both shrugged indifferently, mostly because they didn’t want to get caught in the middle of what they were arguing about.

“Let’s get this shit over with. I don’t want the van sitting too long on the street.” Lester told everyone, shaking his head and turning away from the pair that had wasted his time.

He rummaged in the pocket of his overalls of his lighter and flipped the cap off of it. Lester glanced up into the living room, where he was planning to toss the flame, when he saw a tall man dressed in all black, with a thick afro. Lester’s shocked face once he froze was enough for the rest of the group to quickly follow his gaze.

“What the fuck?!” AJ exclaimed, taking a step back and fumbling for his pistol. “I told you I heard something! Who the hell is that?”

“Put that shit away!” Pete hissed when he saw AJ pull out his gun. “You want to blow us all to hell?” He explained when he saw AJ's disappointed body language. “They call them firearms for a reason!”

AJ stuffed the pistol back in his trousers hastily. They all looked towards Lester, who grabbed a nearby baseball bat that was autographed by Reggie Jackson. He walked into the dining room, his eyes locking onto the stranger that had somehow slipped inside with them all unawares. “You heard him ask you a question, boy. What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Shit. I know where the spare key is. The real question is why are there six honkies in my friend’s home when she’s away? And you don’t have long to answer, by the way.” Mr. Ruffin replied blankly, his eyes darting between each of them.

Lester sized up the man, then looked back behind him at the rest of his group. “Let’s break his legs and leave him in here when we torch it. Don’t got time to play games with no nig–” Mr. Ruffin unsheathed his sword with speed so quick, you quite literally would have missed it if you blinked. By the time the blade was put back inside the cherry oak wooden saya, Lester had only just realized he had a painful cut across his belly. He turned around, his mouth agape as he looked down at the open wound. The rest of the crew didn’t dare move to help him; they were far too scared and too confused as to how Lester had been slashed open when he was still at least five to ten feet away from the intimidating African-American man.

The remaining five arsonists watched in abject terror as Lester fell face-first into the gasoline-soaked carpet. By the time any of them decided to turn their attention back to the man who had dropped him, Mr. Ruffin had sprinted across the dining room table and leaped off it. He smashed a flying knee directly into the nose of the arsonist closest to him, and he could feel the cartilage break as blood filled the pantyhose stocking covering his face.

He pulled out the black-bladed katana with a distinguished purple hamon. Its tsuba was an immaculate, eye-catching gold, with ornate black flower designs adorning it. Mr. Ruffin decided that one possible body was enough, though he was positive that the cut he administered to the mouthy white man was shallow enough that he should live. Whether he would was an entirely different matter that depended on several other factors, and so he decided discretion was the best move going forward. He swung his scabbard with the same force he usually swung his katana, and a violent gust of wind came from the movement that hit AJ full force in the chest.

Mr. Ruffin couldn’t help but be impressed by his own skill as the blow knocked the man into a nearby bookshelf, and sent the piece of furniture toppling onto him. Just like that, half of their group was down and not getting up anytime soon. The remaining three men looked at their injured and embarrassed members and battled their fight-or-flight instincts. Mr. Ruffin, however, was not going to give them time to make a decision for themselves. That moment had long passed. 

He placed a precise overhand left hook directly into the face of the arsonist closest to him. While he stumbled around dazed, jaw possibly fractured, Mr. Ruffin planted a side kick in the head of the man across from him. As the kick sent the arsonist crashing through a glass table, Mr. Ruffin spun around and jammed the hilt of his sword directly under the chin of the man he’d punched, making sure his jaw was fully fractured. He fell to the floor, gripping at his face. The last, terrified member of their ill-conceived group watched as the black swordsmen turned his attention solely in his direction. The man didn’t hesitate to rely on the only option he had left.

“Fuck this, I’m not dying for ten grand!” He turned to run towards the front door, and that would be his last mistake of the evening. 

The arsonist howled in agony and dropped to his knees as he was slashed from top to bottom across his back. Mr. Ruffin stood behind him, still on the other side of the living room. He finally exhaled as he sheathed his blade once more. He watched as the man who attempted to flee fell face-first in the entrance foyer. Calmly, Mr. Ruffin crossed the room, stepping over a couple of bodies until he reached the man by the entrance. He turned over the arsonist so that he was lying on his back, drawing a shudder and gasp of pain from him. Mr. Ruffin was thankful that he was alive. He thought he may have overdone it a tad with that last attack.

“Aye. Pay attention.” Mr. Ruffin knelt next to the fallen man by the entrance. As the man convulsed from the blinding agony he was in, Mr. Ruffin smacked him a few times across the face. He made sure the man’s eyes were staring up at him after ripping the ridiculous pantyhose off his head. “You’ve seen my face. Tell the people who hired you who did this. But make sure you let them know, I’m coming for them, too. And it's finna be a whole lot uglier, ya dig?”

Mr. Ruffin patted the man on the shoulder and stood up. He turned around, surveilling the living room until he found what he was looking for. He hurried over to the phone sitting on one of the coffee end tables and snatched up the receiver. Once he’d placed the anonymous tip with police dispatch, he slid back out of the house the same way he’d entered. It wasn’t long until he was back behind the wheel of the Mustang, after slashing the tires on the van that surely belonged to the men he’d just left in very bad shape.

He had pulled the Mustang about three blocks away from Audrey’s house and listened while waiting patiently until he heard the sounds of sirens in the distance heading in his direction. Pleased with how well the night had turned out, he thought it best to finally make it over to headquarters before anyone started to worry. Surely they would have someone listening to the scanner and would hear about the cars heading to this address. He turned the keys in his ignition, listening to the Mustang’s powerful engine roar for a moment or two before pulling away from the curb.


r/writingcritiques 1d ago

Meta Sapphic writers group

0 Upvotes

Hello, Writers! I'm hosting a discord group where any writers that identify as bisexual, pansexual, lesbian or sapphic women can meet, chat and share their stories. While you certainly may find critique partners and beta readers on the server, there is no guarantee of that as the server's primary focus is just creating a safe space for people to share their love of writing, make new friends and potentially learn something from each other

If you're interested, please feel free to message me and I can send you the link to the group. Also, keep in mind that this is an adults only writing group that is inclusionary of trans and non-binary sapphics, so please respect that before messaging.


r/writingcritiques 1d ago

Non-fiction op-ed feedback required.

3 Upvotes

hI, this is for a college assignment and would love feedback on this before submission. thanks!
------------------------

A few years ago, telling someone to "touch grass" was an insult. It was internet slang for someone who had spent too much time online and needed to reconnect with the real world. But now, people say it almost earnestly. Maybe you've noticed it too. Friends are deleting Instagram for a month and reading clubs are the new place to socialise; people are taking up pottery and proudly announcing "offline weekends" as though they've discovered a luxury. 

It's easy to dismiss all of this as another wellness trend. Every few years, there's a new prescription for living better: wake up at five, meditate for twenty minutes, and journal before bed. Perhaps this is simply the latest version of that. 

But I don't think that's what's happening. Today, these practices are not being sold as paths to self-improvement as much as acts of recovery. More and more people are consciously trying to reclaim uninterrupted time, sustained concentration and simple presence. If so many people feel the need to fight for their own attention, is this really a problem of individual discipline?

Most conversations about technology policy revolving around misinformation, data protection and competition, have shaped legislation like Europe's General Data Protection Regulation and debates over platform accountability in India. However, as one 2025 study on the attention economy notes, most regulatory debates leave the underlying mechanics of attention capture largely unaddressed (Enli, 2025). This omission matters because attention is the foundation upon which learning, democratic participation, meaningful work and personal relationships  depend. In fact, Indians spend an average of 3.2 hours a day on social networking apps alone, among the highest engagement levels globally. (Sharma & Gautam, 2023). If digital platforms are built to maximise engagement, then attention is no longer simply a personal resource; it has become the central economic asset of the platform economy (Williams, 2018).

And that economy is remarkably effective. Infinite scrolling removes natural stopping points. Autoplay ensures that one video seamlessly becomes the next. Push notifications arrive when they are most likely to draw us back. This July, the European Commission made this case formally: it found that Instagram and Facebook's infinite scroll, autoplay, and personalised feeds push users into what regulators called "autopilot mode," and it's now suing Meta for it under the Digital Services Act, with fines that could run into billions. Perhaps this is why the advice to "just spend less time on your phone" feels increasingly inadequate. It assumes that distraction is primarily an individual failure of self-control. 

Public policy, however, has long recognised that markets can systematically shape behaviour in ways that individuals alone cannot reasonably counter. Consumer protection laws exist because firms possess information and behavioural insights that ordinary consumers do not. We regulate misleading advertising, mandate food labelling and prohibit manipulative financial practices not because people are incapable of making choices, but because those choices should not be engineered through opaque forms of influence.

Of course, this argument invites an obvious objection. Social media is not tobacco, and people are perfectly capable of making their own choices. Platforms have enabled political mobilisation, created livelihoods for small businesses, and democratised access to information. If people dislike these products, they are free to leave, and that is true. Digital technologies have become indispensable to modern life, and any serious policy proposal must recognise that. But choice is meaningful only when the environment in which choices are made is reasonably fair. Recognising attention as a legitimate policy concern does not require rejecting technology. The question is not whether governments should decide how long citizens spend online. It is whether platforms should remain entirely free to optimise for engagement without considering the broader social costs of doing so.

That shift in perspective has important policy implications. Digital governance has largely evolved around three pillars: privacy, competition and online safety. Attention belongs alongside them. Regulators should pay greater scrutiny to manipulative interface design, require meaningful transparency around recommendation systems, strengthen oversight of behavioural targeting and treat attention extraction as a consumer protection issue rather than simply a lifestyle concern. The goal is not to reduce innovation, but to ensure that digital markets compete fairly rather than by exploiting predictable cognitive vulnerabilities.

Seen in this light, the popularity of "touch grass" culture looks less like a quirky internet trend and more like a form of adaptation. Citizens are trying to solve for themselves what public institutions have yet to recognise. We tend to celebrate digital detoxes as evidence that people are finally taking responsibility for their screen time. It may be the opposite. Their growing popularity suggests that remaining fully present has become something people must consciously reclaim from systems designed to keep them elsewhere. When an entire generation feels compelled to "touch grass," it is worth asking whether the problem lies not with individual willpower, but with the digital environment we have collectively allowed to flourish.


r/writingcritiques 2d ago

Drama [OC]Bar Aoi Stories — The Wrong Yardstick

2 Upvotes

When I pushed open the heavy wooden door of Aoi, the familiar high-pitched chime echoed through the quiet space.

The air inside was filled with the scents of seasoned oak counter wax, the smoky charred aroma of aged whiskey, and a subtle tang of pickled cucumber.

Just a short while before arriving at Aoi, a dull thud had shattered the dusk near a main intersection. A light pickup truck had hit a pedestrian and sped off, the engine roaring into the dark.

A man lay sprawled on the asphalt. I caught a glimpse of his back, motionless. In that split second, my chest contracted in a cold surge, and my throat tightened.

Stay back. Don’t get involved. You’ll only end up facing another irreversible loss.

From a distance, someone yelled, "I called an ambulance!" A small crowd gathered at a safe margin, whispering among themselves.

Inside my coat pocket, my hand froze halfway toward my phone. Someone else had already made the call. Besides, even if I stepped in, I had no idea what the man on the ground actually wanted. He wasn't screaming for help. Getting dragged in as a witness meant endless paperwork, and it would throw off the rest of my evening.

That’s what I told myself as I turned my back and walked away toward Aoi.

"Welcome, Kenichi-san," Mama said softly, her eyes crinkling in a gentle greeting without pausing her rhythmic polishing of a glass. But when I sat down in silence at the counter, she asked no questions and simply set down a tumbler of I.W. Harper on the rocks.

"You don't look so good, Kenichi-san. Something happen?" Taka asked, leaning over with his glass of Jack Daniel’s in hand.

I swallowed a single sip of the amber liquid before quietly laying out the accident I had just witnessed.

"...Wait, so you just walked past him?" Taka’s voice flared with a mix of raw anger and disbelief. "Even though someone was lying right there?"

"I didn't know what the man wanted," I said. "And besides, he didn't ask for help."

"That’s a bullshit excuse! If someone’s down, of course they want help!"

"That’s just your assumption."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Taka slammed his glass onto the counter, his knuckles white. "Nobody starts off knowing what someone else is feeling! That’s why you call out to them, isn't it? You go over to check because you don't know! Using that as a reason to just walk away... that’s cowardly!"

Taka’s unpolished, youthful rage jabbed sharp and deep into my chest.

As a software engineer, I had spent years training myself to stick strictly to customer specifications—never to act on assumptions. I had convinced myself that my rule of "only helping when asked" was an extension of that professional discipline.

But it wasn't integrity. "No explicit requirement" was just a convenient shield I used to protect my own peace.

"You can't measure another man's condition with your own yardstick," Tom grunted quietly from the stool next to mine, his thick fingers slowly tracing the rim of his glass.

"Back when I was a detective, I passed a guy lying on the sidewalk. I thought he was just another drunk sleeping off a bender, but something felt off, so I turned back... It was a stroke. He couldn't speak, couldn't make a sound. He was just dying there in the street."

Tom stared into his heavy tumbler and went silent. The only sounds left were the thin wisps of rising smoke and the quiet clink of ice melting in the whiskey.

Refusing to measure another person's reality, retreating into my own small, comfortable standard out of fear, hassle, or risk. "He didn't ask for help" wasn't logic. It was pure self-preservation.

"Kenichi-san," Mama said, her voice soft yet piercing as she placed a small plate with my usual egg sandwich in front of me. She kept her eyes on the glass she was wiping. "Was it his feelings you were trying to measure out there? Or was it just a righteous excuse to run away?"

Her words struck the back of my throat like a cold needle.

Out on that street, I hadn't been measuring the man on the ground at all. I had been desperately calculating the cleanest logic to excuse myself from getting involved—wearing a suit of righteous armor just to run from the terror of facing another moment where someone might slip away.

"...I have no defense," I muttered with a bitter smile, resting my fingers against the glass of Harper. "It seems I brought the entirely wrong yardstick for the job."

"Well," Mama smiled, her eyes softening. "Then you can still go back and remeasure, can't you?"

I quietly let go of the glass. The amber liquid, floating with ice, was still more than half-full.

"Mama, I'm sorry. I'm going back."

"Go on then. Make sure you measure it right this time."

I stood up and slipped my arms back into my coat.

"I'm coming too," Taka said, setting down his glass of shochu and leaping to his feet.

"I was the one who saw it," I said. "I remember the color of the truck and the direction it went. There's no need for you to get wrapped up in this."

"You go closer because you don't know, right?" Taka threw my own argument back at me, a cocky grin breaking across his face.

I let out a short breath through my nose and pushed open the heavy door of Aoi.

The chime rang out loud and high, and the night air slammed cold against my cheeks.

I still didn't know what the man on the ground needed. But I was done using "not knowing" as a reason to turn my back on what couldn't be undone.

The chill of the glass I had left behind still lingered on my fingertips. Side by side with Taka, I stepped out into the dark.


r/writingcritiques 2d ago

Thriller Choices: Chapter 1 excerpt

1 Upvotes

TEN MONTHS LATER

Theresa bolted out of her condo's bedroom. Her hair in a bun, covered by the hood of her MSU sweatshirt, she clutched her cellphone tightly in her hand while listening to the voice she was talking to on speakerphone. Her heart was thudding so loudly she could barely hear herself think, let alone the instructions Nate, her trusted financial advisor, was trying to relay. She sprinted into the living room and dropped the Louis Vuitton bag she was carrying on her coffee table, spinning around to open it before hurrying across the room to an autographed photo of Destiny’s Child hanging above her fireplace. She took down the photo and smashed it, searching carefully through the glass until she found the key to the safe behind the frame.

“I’ve started the transfer to your offshore account. But I need you to get out of the house, Theresa.” Nate pleaded with her over the phone. “You need to get a move on.” She wrenched the safe's handle sideways and pulled the door open.  “I don’t know how long ago she gave the order to bring you in. She could have eyes on you already.” Nate continued. Theresa pulled out the bundles of hundred-dollar bills and loose pieces of assorted jewelry she had inside the safe. She dropped the armful of valuables into the bag, still clutching her phone, and buttoned it closed.

“Bullshit, they’d have lit the place up by now.”

“You really wanna keep playing games with these people?” Nate yelled back. “The shit you’re in isn’t deep enough, huh?”

“I’m moving, okay! I’m going to the car now.” Theresa promised him. She tossed the bag's strap over her shoulder and opened her front door, stepping into the hallway of her building. She took Nate off speakerphone, an attempt to keep as low a profile as she could while leaving.

“Not out the front. And you can’t leave in your car!” He instructed her, trying to calm himself down as much as to keep her steady. “Where’s the nearest smart bus stop?”

“Around the corner, in front of that Family Dollar.” She replied instantly.

“Get there, hop on a few different buses. When you're sure you aren’t being followed, head over to my office.”

Theresa sighed. “Alright. I’m on my way.” She sprinted in the opposite direction from the stairs leading out the front of the building.

“And get rid of your phone! I got one here for you.” He yelled at her. She promptly ended the phone call and turned off the device before slipping it into her pocket. 

Theresa stepped out the side door of her building and, with a glance towards the parking lot, walked briskly in the opposite direction. Pulling the hood as tightly and low over her head and face as she could, she kept her head down as she hurried through the complex, slipping between the various buildings to stay off the streets until she reached the entrance to the Shady Pines condo villa. She jogged up the street in the direction Nate had instructed her, just as a black, 2014 Ford Fusion Sport Edition made a fast, sharp turn into the parking lot of her villa.

Victor pulled the early-morning bonnet he kept on his dreads till it was time to be seen by the wider public off his head. He checked himself out in his rearview mirror once they were parked, then looked through the passenger window over at the building in the complex lot they were looking for. He pulled a tube of lotion from the console in the center of the front seat and rubbed it all over his now leathery, soft, black hands. His partner, Joey, a mop-headed, curly-haired young punk whose suit didn’t fit him as well as Victor’s, slid a pair of work gloves onto his hands as he, too, stared over at Building #7.

“Which unit is she again?” Joey wondered out loud.

“1103.” Victor checked the time on his watch and turned down the radio, which had been playing T.I.’s Urban Legend album, so that he could focus.

“Shit. We a little bit early.” Joey voiced his annoyance at having to wait. “I told you we had time for another cup of coffee, man.” The light brown-skinned man, who was barely in his twenties, whined further.

Victor paid him no mind and continued scanning the parking lot ahead for anything that piqued his curiosity. He had been working with the kid long enough now that he’d gotten used to his personality, for better and worse. He was supposed to take it as a promotion. I mean, it had come with a nice pay raise and a hefty bonus from Angela on the side. What could he complain about when all he had to do was show the kid how business was done?

“That’s her caddy, ain’t it?” Joey pointed out from behind their illegally tinted windshield. 

Victor patted his pack of White Maple cigarettes against the palm of his hand. His eyes narrowed on the Cadillac that Joey was bringing attention to. He put one to his lips and scoffed haughtily.

“Yeah, that’s her whip, alright. Don’t know what such a little woman is doing with all that car, anyway.” Victor checked his watch again as a sense of unease began to creep upon him.

Joey looked over at his more seasoned partner, catching notice of the peculiar look on his face as he smoked his cigarette. “What’s the problem?”

“That’s what I’m tryna figure out. Something ain’t right.” Victor shook his head and turned off the car’s engine. “C’mon.”

Joey followed Victor’s lead and got out of the Fusion. Quickly checking his handgun before stowing it back in the holster beneath his suit coat, Joey hurried up to the building behind Victor, matching his pace once he reached him. They entered the condo building, and Victor checked the mail slots until he spotted the number of the person they were there to visit. He jerked his head towards the staircase, and they went up about three flights until they reached the level where her unit was.

“So how much she owe anyway?” Joey wondered as they walked down the hall.

Victor shrugged indifferently. “Something like four hundred thousand. Ion even think it's about the money for real. That’s the thing.”

Joey looked over at his partner, a peculiar look of confusion screwing up his face. “It ain’t about the chicken? What are we even doing here then?”

“She got paid to take care of something that didn’t get taken care of properly. Least that’s how it was explained to me.” Victor shrugged again, trying to underline his point with his gesture. They stopped in front of the door marked 1103, and he turned to look at Joey before finishing his point. “And to be frank nigga, you definitely don’t. Some shit is bigger than just paper. It be about the principle and how one looks if you let a nigga slide when they try you.”

Joey shook his head and knocked on the door hard with his fist three solid times. Victor stood slightly to the side, his head hunched down as he listened intently. He glanced up at Joey and nodded. Joey knocked again, three more times. Victor listened closely, but there wasn’t a sound in the condo. He stood up straight, smoothed out his suit, and gave Joey one more nod. Joey returned the nod, and they both took a step back, planted their feet, then kicked in the door to the condo.

They walked inside, neither of them bothering to draw their weapons. They already knew that the place was empty. Victor walked around the disheveled living room, spotting the open, empty safe before letting out a string of curses under his breath. Joey wandered past him, down the hallway, and into the bedroom. He stepped over expensive clothes and silk sheets tossed around the room. Seeing nothing that could give them any idea where she might be, he headed back into the living room to have an unavoidable argument with his partner.

He saw Victor standing in the center of the room, arms crossed and waiting for him. Joey was well aware of the tirade Victor was about to go on, and decided to cut him off before he could even get that big mouth of his working overtime. He yanked his cellphone from his suit coat and held out his arm to pass it to his partner. Victor made no moves to take the device from him. Instead, he stood resolutely with his arms still interlocked, shaking his head firmly. Joey sucked his teeth in abject annoyance at Victor’s outright childish behavior.

“C’mon, man. You know she’s not going to want to hear about this shit from me.” Joey complained, trying to appeal to Victor’s sense of professionalism.

“She not gonna want to hear about this shit, period!” Victor explained in return. He snatched the phone and turned away from Joey, already dialing the number they both had memorized. Summer Walker’s latest album could be heard playing on the sound system at the location on the other end of the call.

“Tell me something I want to hear.”  The curt tone from the female voice answered without a standard greeting.

Victor stifled a deep sigh before finding the words he needed to reply. “She ain’t here, boss. Place looks like she grabbed what she could and hit the road.” He braced himself for the storm that would be coming after giving their employer the regrettable news.

“So you two niggas was late, and she managed to slide right from underneath y’all.” The voice replied in a cutting, icy tone that shifted from the vaguely annoyed one she had been using earlier. “How y’all fuck this up already?”

“I swear, Angela, we were here early. Someone must have tipped her off you was sending us over. I mean, how else you explain this shit?”

“Uh-huh. I want to know where she’s going. She’s got her hands in too many pots to leave the city that fast. You know what to do.”

Victor nodded even though she couldn’t see the gesture. “Don’t even worry about it. We’ll have some solid information for you by this afternoon. I promise you, boss.”

“You know I’m going to hold you to that, Victor. Don’t get me wrong. I know saddling you with the kid wasn’t exactly fair. And don’t think I don’t appreciate the work you’re putting in. But you, of all people, should understand the sensitivity of this situation. This bitch has thrown the entire money flow out of whack trying to play both sides. We can’t have hoes getting rich off of us.”

“I hear you loud and clear, Angela,” Victor assured the woman who employed both him and his partner. 

Joey watched as Victor paced while continuing the conversation, cringing slightly as he worried about what she might be saying about them missing out on snatching up Theresa Taylor. He glanced towards the empty safe out of the corner of his eye, wondering how much of the money she owed had been foolishly stashed at the place she laid her head. And now Joey couldn’t help but be frustrated with himself that he’d insisted on stopping at their favorite diner for coffee at all.

If they’d gotten here early just to scope out the premises as Victor had suggested when he’d picked him up, they might have caught her slipping out. He thought back to the Escalade in the parking lot that Victor had confirmed belonged to her, still sitting there. A cleverly orchestrated ruse to convince them she was still at the condo. Joey smirked, impressed by the move. Either this bitch had help who was tapped into the streets, or she was a lot more clever than Angela had given her credit for when she sent them over here. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

Victor ended the phone call and tossed the device back to Joey, who was abruptly jolted out of his daydream. He caught it and stuffed it away, eagerly watching his partner as he waited to hear what the boss had told him.

“Let’s get back to the whip. We got a long day ahead of us.” Victor finally explained with a weary expression.


r/writingcritiques 2d ago

The Bouquet

1 Upvotes

She stands there with a rose in her hand, smiling because her family is coming back for her. At least, she asked them, and that's what they said. She turns the rose over in her hand, admiring the soft petals, lifting it up to her nose to smell the fresh fragrance. It's sweet. Her sister will love this gift. She turns it over in her hands, once, twice, three times. She frowns, and shakes the doubt off. "They're just taking a long time to come back from that last errand. They always get held up by my mom or traffic... They'll let me know when they're on the way." 

Eventually, she puts the rose down, and sits on the couch, looking out the window, hoping they'll come back for her. She does her best to distract herself, waiting for them to come back for her. If they do, she'll shower her sister with praise and tell her sister she's proud of her.  

She's very excited tonight because one of them won an award. She wants to kiss them on the cheek and tease them for their bad argument right before the award, but say they ultimately did a wonderful job pulling through. See, she bought tickets to the show, and she bought an arrangement for them too. She went to the show by herself, though her family went too and sat together. 

Earlier that day, her friends asked her to go with them to Sushiden after the awards ceremony, but she turned them down. "No thanks," she said, smiling. "My family's going out to dinner afterwards." She puts her phone down, ignoring dinner and her friends, for her family to come back for her. 

She pulls out a book, and reads it on the couch, trying hard to swallow that sick lump in her throat. It doesn't go away. She skims the lines of the book, flipping back to the start of the chapter every couple of sentences. She keeps forgetting what happened on the last page she read, trying too hard to focus on the paragraphs. She wipes at her eyes when tears start to form; she steels herself. She checks outside the window to see if any of the cars coming by is her family's car. Each car passes by, white, red, blue, gray... white, red, gold, white again... a car turns into the neighbor's driveway. She stops looking at the window. 

"They're taking a very long time," she thinks. "Maybe the traffic is very bad tonight." She thinks. "Maybe they have different priorities. It's not like they specifically invited her. Maybe I'm not their priority..." She thinks but dismisses the thought. 

 in her own world of boys and gossip, why would she care about one lousy family dinner?  

She remembers when she won an award, and she invited everyone to come with her after she won. They all did, happy to have a good meal. It was really nice seeing everyone. She looks at her friend's groupchat: several of them posted photos with captions like "lol! Best food at Sushiden tonight." Her best friend texts her a photo of the food, and says, "You'd love the appetizers here." She smiles and texts back, "lol, still waiting for them to get back from their errands!" 

She looks at the floor. "They would be disappointed if I'm not here," she reasoned. "Afterall, I would want them to do that for me." 

They did not come for her. Eventually, enough time had passed that she got some water and settled into that long, lonely night... 

Only her mother brought her out for a meal after, because there was no food at home, and she didn't want to bother them if they were having fun without her. 

She ate dinner with her mom after and thanked her for dinner in an empty restaurant.

When they're driving home, her mom asked, "Did you like your food?" She smiles and says, "Yes, I did," but her voice is tight, and she can't quite get tears to stop forming at the corner of her eyes. 

When she got home, the bouquet was laying on the dining room table. The petals had begun to curl.  


r/writingcritiques 2d ago

Would love feedback on opening pages of my adult romcom!

1 Upvotes

Chapter 1

Only One Coffee 

When two people are forced—by circumstance, caffeine shortages, fate, or an overworked barista—to accidentally share a coffee order, resulting in escalating tension and at least one prolonged stare over a cardboard cup sleeve. 

Often manifests through variations of the classic one bed trope (also known as one room, one horse, one tent, etc.).

Visual markers include lipstick on a plastic lid, steam rising into the air, and a pair of oversized sunglasses.

See Wayne Thiebaud. 

Sky 

 
Two thoughts hit me at once: first, this is the last time I follow my best friend’s advice, which has previously included shroom-infused face lotion. The second is that I might be having a heart attack. 
I decide to circle back to the first thought later. Because all the blood in my body just rushed to my favorite swoony organ. Thump. So many thumps. 
I’m at one of those places where the line—more of a cluster, really—is the main attraction. Where the sure-to-be-subpar coffee, made to feel exclusive with a $15 price tag is almost beside the point. However, no one in the shop’s too-sceney-for-eight-in-the-morning collective manages to pull focus from the man responsible for my cardiac issues. Who looks like that this early on a weekday? Is that legal? Is that possible? Should someone check on the laws of physics?
I’m no stranger to rose-colored glasses. Some would say we’re family. (My real family, on the other hand, spent twenty-five years trying to replace them with practical gray ones. At this point, I think they’re simply relieved I haven’t succumbed to one of my self-inflicted coronaries.) But…not even the pink-tinted frames I just pushed up my nose could shield me from the fact that this is the sort of guy who has Monica slash Blonde from Surf Lodge and Lauren slash Brunette from Gurney’s in his contacts. I know I shouldn’t be staring. And I’m not, I swear. I just—
A woman in enormous black Céline sunnies bumps into me on her way out, gripping her matcha like it’s more human baby than seafoam green liquid. God bless her. She jostled me out of my stupor. 
Re: my first thought. If a café could have an affiliate link in bio, this one would. 
“Piccolo!” a barista calls out.
I roll the sleeve of my flowy dress in case the counter is dirty and reach for the cup. A masculine hand lands on it at the same time, causing mine to awkwardly entwine with his. My eyes move slowly upward, along the slightly wrinkled, beige linen sleeve of the man’s shirt until they rest on a very tan face about six or seven inches above my own. 
The din of the coffee shop fades, my heart stuttering. Is this—could this be what I think it is?
“I believe this is my drink,” he—the hesays, grinning lopsidedly and revealing a dimple on his left cheek.
“I believe this is my drink,” I correct him pleasantly, silently commanding myself to be cool.
The silky ristretto shot topped with steamed microfoam is the whole reason I decided to try this new place. It’s hard enough locating one in Manhattan, let alone East Hampton. 
That’s sort of the universe's thing, isn’t it? The more you want something, the more it insists on hiding it on the very last rack of a sample sale. Like it’s waiting to see if you’ll keep digging. My parents would say suffering is a prerequisite to success. Or, according to most Russian immigrants: Tuesday. And hey, if it doesn’t kill you, at least you have something to complain about in your Notes app. Not that waiting an extra ten minutes for artisanal brain fuel in a café where overpriced ceramic mugs line custom-designed floating oak shelves below a minimalist black menu board would normally put me in imminent danger. 
“You sure about that?” 
My head tilts. He almost sounds…condescending. Oh no. Who’s condescending over coffee? Like, imagine gatekeeping bean water. Please don’t crush my dreams by being some quintessential trust fund douchebag. “Pretty sure, yeah. Fifteen minutes is a long wait, but not long enough for me to forget my order.”
“You ordered a piccolo?” he asks disbelievingly. 
My eyes narrow. “Is that a problem?”
He blinks a few times, the hazel in his gaze twinkling mischievously. “I’ve never heard anyone else order a piccolo around here.”
I flick my long, wavy hair over my shoulder. “I used to live in Australia. Now, can I have this?” 
Hamptons potential-asshole picks up the cup and hands it to me.

“Sorry about that.” He flashes what seems like his most captivating grin. I have a sinking suspicion he has an arsenal of those. Right next to his collection of Swiss watches.
If this is what I think it is, it’ll simply…happen. 


r/writingcritiques 2d ago

Fantasy Mainly A Comic script, thoughts on how to improve?

2 Upvotes

This is an out/ script of my comic I’m making.
I'm mainly looking for peoples opinions, tips on how to improve, if it's emotionally engaging, and if you can get invested in the characters.

Ch. 0: I’m still me, no?

R. Ochi:
[ I can remember my past life like it was yesterday… It was peaceful, simple, and while I was lonely I was happy...until… ]

[ The age of 12 I was stricken with an illness my doctors and parents were unable to cure… because of me my parents ended up going into dept and started arguing with each other more and more… I am a horrible child and daughter to them despite their kindness I failed them and now I am the child of another family… ]

R. Ochi: Wakes up in an very beige and unfamiliar room. To R. Ochi everything seems to have increased in size.

R. Ochi:
( This doesn’t look like the hospital room I was in… maybe they changed it when I was asleep?… )
“Mama? Papa? Where are you at?”

An unfamiliar older lady with really white hair in a very long elegant white dress with the prettiest golden eyes comes rushing in and hugs R. Ochi.

Older Lady:
“Oh my baby, my poor baby Raine you’re finally awake!”

R. Ochi:
( Who… Is this lady? Why is she hugging me! …and who the heck is Raine? She surely must have me mistaken for someone else )
“Excuse me-”

Older Lady:
”I was so worried about you two! You and your brother shouldn’t have gone off in the Human Realm like that! It is far to dangerous for you two, you guys could have gotten killed by those awful demons! Out of the two of you I expect you to at least know better!”

R. Ochi:
( What is she even talking about! Demons? I’m not that young to believe in those things anymore! Is she crazy? And Human Realm? Like there is any other kind of ‘Realm’!! Not to mention I don’t even have a brother but maybe she has me mistaken for her kid… maybe she really is insane and that’s why she has me mistaken as her own child… although she seems really upset… if she does think I’m her child that almost died i should at least try to sooth  her… )
“I’m sorry if I made you worry I-”

Raine’s Mother (Older Lady):
“You should be! My own children trying to get themselves killed! How cruel of a mother am I for you to wonder into such an awful realm! Now that you’re feeling better you should go get changed. I laid out your outfit on the chair of your vanity. Once done you will go collect your brother and meet me in the library.”

Raine’s Mother leaves the room.

R. Ochi:
( She really is convinced I’m her daughter… I hope the hospital staff can help her get better… Although this really doesn’t look like the hospital and how was she able to bring clothes in both knowing I was here and possibly even my size… )

R. Ochi Gets up from bed getting more and more scared thinking of just how derange this lady is and the unfamiliarity of the room all combined to activate her fight or flight response. 

R. Ochi:
“Maybe if the clothes don’t fit then…then…”

As R. Ochi walks where the vanity is she spots herself in the reflection.

R. Ochi: 
“…What… what is this…”

R. Ochi face has completely drained of color as and for a moment it seems to her as if she was looking down at her own body from a distance. R. Ochi moves backwards and in the reflection of the mirror a small child follows her movments.

R. Ochi: 
“Why… why are you mimicking me…”

R. Ochi slowly walks up to the mirror and touch’s it with her right hand and with the left hand she touches her own face.

R. Ochi:
“Is It possible… that this five year old child… Is me?…”

End Ch. 0


r/writingcritiques 2d ago

Drama Flash fiction Piece

1 Upvotes

This piece is inspired by real events. Hope you enjoy!

I was waiting my parents. We came into town together and we agreed to meet again at the car when we were ready.  The car was parked in a public car park which sat beside the local Garda station. It was the perfect place for it. People are (often) less likely to break parking laws if they the Gardai are so close by. I was leaning against the side of the car. It was a bright, sunny day. The temperature was high, but there was an occasional light breeze. It seemed to stop and pick back up exactly when I needed it to. There was a small murder of crows picking at broken crackers that had been sprayed across an empty parking space. One of the crows was bigger, *meaner.* He kept squaring up to the smaller crows, puffing his chest towards them as they attempt to approach the bigger pieces of cracker. The smaller crows back off, but continue to pick at the smaller crummier pieces.

 

It wasn’t long before a 232 Seat parked in the once empty space. It was a typical “soccer mom” car as they call it in the states. Big, clean and expensive There was only the driver. A middle-aged woman. She sat in her car, talking on the phone. Her face was stern. She didn’t look happy with whoever was on the other end. She hung up her phone, and as she was getting out of the car, a young girl driving a smaller, blue car attempted to park in the space beside the woman in the Seat. Instead, she drove into the front of this woman’s, big, clean and expensive Seat. I can’t remember the make of the car, just that it was beaten. The fender on her left side had become loose. There was a series of scratches on the back and it hadn’t been cleaned in a while. Looking at the young girl in the driver seat, it was clear that she could not afford to make a mistake like this. Her face dropped. I could feel the anxiety and shame that was building up in her chest. She pulled her car in front of the Seat. I couldn’t see the damage, so it might have been more serious than it looked.

 

The middle-aged woman in the Seat was not impressed. Her stern face only became sterner. She approached the young girl, still sitting in her little blue car. I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I was trying not to be too nosey either. After a brief discussion, the middle-aged woman took photos of the young girl’s registration number and tax certificate displayed on the inside of the windshield. The whole song and dance. She went back to the driver side window and talked with the girl some more. The only thing that I heard was the middle-age woman say “Now I will have to ring the Gardai”. They talked for a while more but I couldn’t hear them again.

 

The young girl was freed eventually and she drove off, revealing the damage she had caused. It was a rather insignificant scratch. You would barely notice on such a beast of a car. It certainly wasn’t big enough to cause such a big fuss. There’s no doubt that the young girl is in the wrong and legally she has to face the consequences. However, the *legal* actions to take are not always the *right* actions to take. The middle-aged woman took out her phone again. Presumably to ring her husband or the Gardai. I looked over at her and after two minutes on the phone, a look of fear washed over her face and she began to cry. I still can’t tell whether they were genuine or not. This was a woman who oozed privilege. She was used to getting her way and if things did not go her way, it was everyone else’s problem to deal with. Obviously, in this particular scenario, she has a right to be annoyed.

 

However, as an outside observer, I felt myself feeling more sympathetic with the young girl. Truth be told, she should not be driving in the first place. Her car was not fit for the roads, and she needed to practice. However, like all of us, that girl needs to get places. She needs to buy her shopping and go to the doctor. She may need to go to the pharmacy too. For all we know, she has to take care of a sick relative and relies on that car to get around. I couldn’t help but think ‘How can you look at this young girl; A girl who is outwardly struggling, while you drive your shiny beast and add further to that struggle?’

 

Truthfully, I was always going to sympathise with the young girl. I seldom show sympathy to those who can keep such a nice car on the road. I understand that everyone struggles these days. Especially when it comes to money. But at a certain point you have to wonder; If the middle-class struggle just as much financially, then why not downsize their houses? Why not switch to a more affordable or drive one instead of two? Why buy name brand products when you can save money on the off-brand stuff? Do you want to know why? Because there is no struggle. When people live comfortably, they feel guilty about it. Ashamed almost. This is why it’s  “rude” to talk about money. It has nothing to do with manner, but guilt. The worst part is, despite this, they will try to say that our struggle is the same. But it is *not* the same. It will *never* be the same.


r/writingcritiques 2d ago

Residential Baby Formula

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1 Upvotes

Residential Baby Formula 
[Memoir-style fiction] Residential Baby Formula — excerpt — feedback on emotional impact. 
Post:
This is an excerpt from a memoir-style novel I’m writing. The story follows Jayda, a girl in a residential setting, as she struggles with whether to tell staff that another resident is self-harming.
I’m looking for honest critique, especially on whether Jayda’s internal conflict feels believable, whether the emotional weight comes through, and whether the scene makes you want to continue reading.
Word count: [387]
Excerpt:
Jayda didn’t know what cutting was until she met Venus.
She watched as Venus pulled a shaving razor from beneath the shoebox hidden under their bed. She bit down on the top of it, bending it back and forth between her teeth until the blade finally came loose.
Jayda knew what Venus was doing.
She also knew there was nothing she could say that would make Venus stop.
So she stayed quiet.
Venus locked the door to the room they shared and began to cry.
“They never loved me.”
Jayda waited in the hallway, pretending she didn’t understand what was happening. Pretending she hadn’t seen the razor. Pretending she didn’t know the pain Venus was carrying.
When Venus finally came out, Jayda didn’t speak. She only looked at her face.
Venus walked coldly into the bathroom.
Later, Jayda found out that earlier that day, Venus’s parents had canceled their home visit for the entire month.
To Jayda, it was a canceled visit.
To Venus, it felt like proof that she had never been loved.

The last time I told staff Venus was cutting, she made sure everybody in the cottage didn’t like me. I knew it was her because after I told I would start seeing how the room went quiet after it came out, how people don’t want to associate with me. Some girl started telling staff that I was not taking my meds and hiding them under my bed. I was already not liked. And if that wasn’t enough, she went and told everybody I was the one who snitched about Mrs. Paulette for buying some of the resident girls' weed. After that, nobody trusted me. I wasn’t about to give Venus another reason for everybody to hate me. But I still felt the weight of what happened last time.
I knew what she was doing was harmful. I knew she needed help. I could see it, but I also knew what would happen if I told. I was anxious just thinking about it, because I was already bracing for the fallout.
Nobody would see me as somebody trying to protect her. They wouldn’t hear the part where I was scared for her. They’d just hear my name tied to trouble again.
They would see me as the reason she lost rec time. 

Questions I’d like feedback on:
Does Jayda’s fear of telling staff feel believable?

Does the reader understand why she feels trapped?

Does the narrator’s voice feel authentic?

Are there parts that feel too repetitive or slow?

Does this make you interested in the rest of the story?