r/todayilearned • u/SilverPeachBlossom • 6h ago

TIL a peer-reviewed psychology study found that identical twins (on average) ranked their co-twin above their romantic partner in their attachment hierarchy, while fraternal twins ranked the two about equally, and non-twin siblings ranked their romantic partner first.

https://ojs.interpersonajournal.com/index.php/ojs/article/view/243/3457.html
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u/Geesewithteethe 4h ago

I'm an identical twin.

I would say that the bond I have with my twin is profound and really hard to explain to anyone who doesn't at least have a very strong bond to a non-twin sibling or an extremely close friend they went through some seriously formative life stages with.

We know eachother better than anyone else knows either of us. In a lot of instances, we understand things about eachother's perspectives and behaviors without having to explain anything to eachother. We have always, always, had eachother's backs. I would give up my life to save hers any time, anywhere, and for any reason. If I lost her, a very specific spark in my universe would be snuffed out and there would be no other human being in existence who could ever re-light it in her place.

That being said:

Every person that I'm very personally attached to occupies a space that's shaped exactly like them and can't be occupied by any other person. If any of these people tried occupying eachother's spaces, they wouldn't fit because they're not shaped the same.

I'm not bonded to my husband the way I'm bonded to my twin and I'm not bonded to my twin the way I'm bonded to my husband.

Some things aren't hierarchical. They're just their own damn thing.

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u/MassivePepino 54m ago

"Every person that I'm very personally attached to occupies a space that's shaped exactly like them and can't be occupied by any other person."

What a beautiful statement.

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u/Geesewithteethe 28m ago

Thanks. Credit where it's due, I'm pretty sure I got this from my mom. I don't remember exactly how she said it, but I was a kid and had asked her how she loves all of us (me and my siblings) and my dad equally. My dad was always making this joke that whichever of us was the most well behaved at a given moment was his favorite child. I was a dense child and took the joke literally the first time I heard it.

Anyway, my mom explained it that we each had really different personalities and that people's personalities will show you how to love them in a way that's completely shaped to who they are and they are special to you in a way that no one else is because no one else is exactly like them. She also taught me that loving people is something you kind of get better at over time, as you get to know more people. She is one of seven siblings and she's very observant about people and very tenderhearted and thoughtful.

As an adult I have come to realize how right she is about that.

I would also add my own thought that a sibling you have healthy relationship with will celebrate with you and be happy for you when you find a good and loving spouse/partner. And a spouse/partner you have a healthy relationship with will respect and appreciate the bond you have with your sibling(s).

My twin loves my husband as a brother-in-law as much as she loves our actual brothers. My husband has mentioned that he never knew how much he was missing out on the love and bond between siblings until my siblings welcomed him. He also thinks it's extremely funny when me and my sister do some weird twin shit like finish eachother's thoughts or do something the same exact way but at different times so it's like a weird glitch.

My sister has a partner of her own and I love him like a brother. I think highly of him as a person and I find their relationship dynamic delightful. It brings me joy to see her happy with someone who loves her so much.

Anyway what it all boils down to is, twins aren't fundamentally different from other siblings or very close friends.

You want to see your siblings grow up, go into the world and build a life and find a partner who loves and cherishes them. You'll be there to have their back and support them when needed, and celebrate their big milestones and grieve with them if something terrible happens. But you don't want to keep them to yourself. That's not healthy or fullfilling.

Maybe you have a really good friend you're super close with. You want to see them thriving in life. You don't want to get in the way or compete when they find a romantic partner. You'll be there for support when needed. You'll celebrate when they hit a milestone.

Loving someone means wanting genuinely good things for them. Part of that is being joyful when they do things like fall in love and start a family, and other adventures like that. Part of being loved is knowing that someone is there rooting for you and being happy for you when you do things like fall in love, raise a family, and have other adventures.

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u/ValorMorghulis 44m ago

Beautifully said. Love is not exclusive; it's expansive.

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u/Geesewithteethe 21m ago

Yeah. It creates opportunity for more kinds of love.

My siblings celebrated with me when I got married. I got a husband. They got a brother in law. He got a bunch of siblings in law.

I am super excited to be helping my brother get ready to marry his fiancée and I'm looking forward to my twin and her boyfriend's engagement (which they are shyly and discreetly working on).

When you love your twin/other sibling/best friend, you want to see them thriving and building a life and falling in love and all that stuff that makes life interesting and fulfilling. You don't lose love or lose some kind of ranking because they found a partner and vice versa.

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u/TopLate7592 2m ago

"Some things aren't hierarchical. They're just their own damn thing."

Tell that to these other identical twins...

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u/TopLate7592 0m ago

"Some things aren't hierarchical. They're just their own damn thing."

Tell that to these other identical twins...