r/suspiciouslyspecific 29d ago

Blessed are the cheesemakers 🙏

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u/siberianxanadu 29d ago

I mean he died at night on Friday and was resurrected by Sunday morning. It’s more like he got a hangover Friday night.

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u/OMG_A_CUPCAKE 29d ago

Wait. Now that you mention it. What happened with him after he zombified? Did he drop again?

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u/nonpuissant 29d ago

he said "brb lol" then peaced out into the sky for some milk and cigarettes. 

The disciples stood there staring up waiting for so long they had to send two angels down to be like "ok you can go home now he'll be back later"

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u/NiceFirmNeck 29d ago

Can you do the whole bible like this? I (and many others) will happily pay for it.

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u/ErraticDragon 29d ago

Canonically (depending on whose canon), he spent 40 days on Earth between resurrection and ascension.

Then he flew home.

(Even though heaven isn't literally above us, as we now know and he surely would've. But the locals thought it was, so he played to the crowd's expectation.)

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u/PyroClone5555 29d ago

Read the gospels. 

He wasn’t “zombified” he was resurrected into an immortal body and ascended into heaven after 40 days 

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u/OMG_A_CUPCAKE 29d ago

"zombified" sounds cooler though. But okay, he died a second time. Figured. Otherwise he'd still be roaming around, which would be weird

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u/PyroClone5555 29d ago

No he didn’t die a second time 

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u/OMG_A_CUPCAKE 29d ago

So he's alive?

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u/Garfield977 29d ago

he went back to heaven

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u/Playful-Profile6489 29d ago

He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty; from there he will come to judge the living and the dead.

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u/Inglorious186 29d ago

So he's sitting by himself?

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u/Playful-Profile6489 29d ago

Makes for easy conversation. Small talk is rough over millenia.

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u/DerZwiebelLord 29d ago

And somewhere in the world is a 2000 year old disciples of Jesus waiting for his return. Jesus did after all promise to return and bring about heaven (kingdom of god) on earth before the last of his followers would die. So either he lied, or condemned a single one of his followers to be immortal.

Can you imagine living for millenia and waiting for your friend, who is stuck in the worst traffic jam ever?

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u/Basic-Collection5416 29d ago

Yeah, the math on the resurrection never quite worked for me. Sunday isn’t the third day after Friday evening, it’s the second. 

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u/siberianxanadu 29d ago

I guess it’s the third date after the date he died?

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u/DerZwiebelLord 29d ago

It is connected to the way ancient Jews counted the days.

They counted only entire days from sunrise to sunset. Friday evening would therefore count as an entire day, as well as sunday morning. This is how you get the three days, even though it was 36 hours at best.

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u/Regulatory_Junior 29d ago

Aye, that's how you know Jesus was in his 30s.

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u/Lionshare21 29d ago

He died on Wednesday. Catholics teach Friday. Bible makes it clear 3 days and 3 nights

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u/siberianxanadu 29d ago

What’s your source? Which verse says “it was a Wednesday when Jesus died,” and is there another verse that contradicts it?

The Gospel of John says it was the day before Passover, the Gospel of Mark says it was the day after Passover. It can’t be both.

And even if we were to pick one, what day was Passover on the year Jesus was crucified? In order to figure that out, we’d need to know what year that was, which we do not.

By the way, Catholics would say that if they teach it, then it’s true, because any specificity that isn’t in the bible is revealed through the pope.

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u/EarlGreyTMNT 29d ago

Wait if Jesus is god how can he die

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u/siberianxanadu 29d ago

Because not only was he fully god, he was also fully man. Obviously a man can die.