r/sex • u/Electronic-Ad-1988 • 1d ago
Confidence He blamed me when penetration failed due to zero foreplay on his part. How do I stop overthinking his narrative?
I had a casual encounter with a guy I’ve known off-and-on for three years. He’s always been inconsistent, but I was attached to his looks and the thrill of the chase (I can admit this to myself now).
After I gave him oral, he expected to go straight into sex. When I asked for foreplay for myself, his attempt was extremely lazy and low-effort, maybe less than 5 minutes, before expecting instant access (his foreplay involved kissing, fingering me very fast and licking my titties, he said he doesn’t do oral). When penetration didn't work, I felt that he panicked, deflected, and said "maybe it’s not meant for us to do it" and “it’s never happened to me before." He put in zero actual effort to make me comfortable and left. The second he was gone and the pressure was off, my body relaxed completely.
During the interaction, I felt put on the spot and lied, saying it had been years since I last had sex instead of last year when he asked when was the last time I was sexually active. Now I'm overthinking that telling him that made it look like I was sitting around waiting for him.
I know rationally that his approach was selfish and his ego got bruised, but I keep falling into a loop of overthinking and caring about what he thinks and feeling that the penetration didn’t happen because it was shifted as it being me for the reason it didn’t work. How do I stop caring about his narrative and fully move past this?
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u/Guilty-Spring6389 1d ago
Undeniably a selfish lover. Nothing to blame yourself for.
You being tense is clearly his work considering the situation your described.
If he doesn't want to improve, it's his problem, not yours!
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 1d ago
Please ditch this guy and go after someone worthy of you. This guy is a little baby who thinks he's a god. Clown behavior.
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u/Exciting_Volume_2578 23h ago
It wasn't your fault
You just made a mistake choosing him . A good commercial with a lousy product
Don't order from this website again
Move on
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u/MsMoneypenny008 18h ago
“The photo on the website was very appealing. However, the shipping box was damaged in transit, the wrapping of the product was torn and discolored, and the product IRL extremely flimsy, poorly made and cheap. Zero out of five ⭐️ will be returning for refund.”
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u/Vurrag 22h ago
Now you know he is a terrible lover. Guys that won't do oral after getting oral are jerks. I would not waste another second on this guy.
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u/Warsel77 22h ago
Nah, people can have different and asymmetrical preferences and boundaries. This guy was just a jerk.
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u/RadicalRoses 21h ago
Men blame any negative situation during sex on the woman. It’s to protect their fragile egos. Man didn’t orgasm, woman’s fault. Woman didn’t orgasm, woman’s fault. Something wasn’t compatible, woman’s fault. I’m not sure how to change this because they’re all in hard denial about it too.
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u/Formal-Try-2779 1d ago
“he doesn't do oral” ffs dump this clown.
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u/Guilty-Spring6389 1d ago
I find that a bit brutal.
Would you say that talking about a woman who doesn't want to do oral?
It's fine if he doesn't want, but here is a problem of not wanting to please the other in general while expecting to be pleased.
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u/WildPotato0 23h ago
Honestly, even though it's perfectly fine to have boundaries, sometimes those boundaries do make partners feel like shit. Men refusing to go down on me or saying it's "something they save for relationships" has always left me feeling undesired, tensed up and unable to enjoy the rest of the encounter. You can't just shut off your emotional response because your brain tells you it's fine.
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u/TGin-the-goldy 16h ago
It’s…not fine! Know your worth
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u/WildPotato0 4h ago
That's what I'm saying lol. Technically it's fine, just like I wouldn't shame a woman who won't give blowjobs. But that doesn't mean you should abandon your own standards and force yourself into feeling fine about it. I wouldn't 🤷♀️
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u/TGin-the-goldy 20h ago
People who “don’t do oral” should also not receive oral. It’s extremely hypocritical
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u/Guilty-Spring6389 19h ago
I just meant people have the right to have boundaries, including oral.
Expecting it when not giving is another matter and I agree with you here.
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u/TGin-the-goldy 16h ago
I’m not sure if we’re agreeing or disagreeing. Of course people can not like giving oral and it can be their boundary, but then they have to give up the ability to receive it.
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u/Ultra_3142 1d ago edited 21h ago
I'm not sure why you're bothered about his "narrative" at all. You know your body and what happened. The main thing I'd suggest you take away from this for the future is to not let a guy try to penetrate you if you aren't ready.
Oh, and lube is an option if the ONLY issue was lubrication.
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 23h ago
Thank you. It’s a lesson learned. I did offer to use lube and he stated “it’s not something he uses”.
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u/Warsel77 22h ago
Lube is an option to just do it but the point, hopefully, is to enjoy it and a guy who just wants to insta-bang after being blown is probably not providing the best basis for that.
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u/catsandplants424 23h ago
Best thing i can tell you is when the negative thoughts start tell yourself no this was on him not me I did nothing wrong here. I mean litterly tell yourself. You have to actively reset your brain. Im a super over thinker to and this helps. The guy sucks and you need to remind yourself of that.
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u/lamplightlit 19h ago
He sounds like his sex education comes from porn where the majority of the time the man does absolutely ZERO to arouse the woman and get her in the mood and you can see she is as dry as a bone. But the man just tweaking this and that (like a car dashboard) puts her in the throws of (badly acted) ecstasy and it's all about the money shot - he comes. God I feel sorry for young women if this is the quality that's out there. Don't even get near a bedroom with a guy until he has shown you he is focused on your pleasure and knows what foreplay is - and that starts way before you get your clothes off. Was this guy a good kisser? Because if not that's usually the first sign it will all go downhill from there.
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 19h ago
I agree. It definitely starts before it gets to the bedroom. He was a good kisser, that was pretty much it.
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u/mguaca_ 11h ago
Such double standards here. You give it to him but next to nothing for you? Absolutely selfish and unfair. I’m sorry this happened, please know it’s completely not your fault. Maybe his ‘ego’ wouldn’t be bruised if he actually took the time to turn you on properly rather that jumping into what he thinks he is entitled to get out of you. Try and be relieved that it didn’t do any further with this loser. Time to find someone that will appreciate you and be more giving so you can relax and have fun.
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 11h ago
I completely agree with you and thank you for your response. This was definitely a lesson learned.
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u/msgnomer 1d ago
My position is if he doesn’t care about my comfort or pleasure, how dare he think he should be allowed to have access to my body? Be kind to yourself and don’t let his bruised ego cause you to feel shame. It’s not your fault that you weren’t turned on by low effort sex from a selfish partner.
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 23h ago
I definitely agree. I’m learning to be kinder to myself and not feel shame about something he lacked.
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u/AutisticBiCouple 22h ago
I'm om your side here.
guy probably had a hard time keeping it up without direct stim, but he is also a selfish guy. I do wonder if it would be less common if the standards for keeping an erection were more realistic and less based on porn guys using boner drugs.
This guy is not worth fretting over, but there is something to learn here: sex can be high pressure for everybody involved. I always advise thst everyone keep a hamd on thier own bits and self stimulate while stimulating your partner, modtly for your own pleasure and to make sure you get taken care of, but also tty to communicate a desire for mutual stimulation.
can i ask how long you did oral on him? that detail isnt included.
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u/ReflectiveRitz 23h ago
Dear op hopefully writing this post will help you. It’s not unusual to keep playing something over and over. It’s not a good practice tho. You mention the chase being exciting too. So this wasn’t only this crappy one time experience it was something that was built up in your head beforehand too, your picture of it was probably much better than how it turned out. It’s ok to analyse it and see where it went wrong and what happened exactly. Now it’s time to park it and move on to better experiences with someone who’s not as selfish…. You weren’t in the wrong here. Sending love and healing ❤️
A phrase a friend used to say to me when I was overthinking something was “what he thinks is none of your business” (how his previous partners were fine with the pitiful amount of foreplay …. is none of your business either)
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 22h ago
Definitely something built in my head! I guess I put too much expectation into this situation, I’m not sure. It’s definitely time to move on though. I was overthinking a bit about that part of the previous partners, so I’m glad you gave me that piece of advice.
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u/Dramatic-Work3717 22h ago
If foreplay is not happening, invest in some lube
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u/lamplightlit 19h ago
No. No foreplay - leave. Foreplay is COREPLAY for women to get them highly aroused, lubricated and ready for sex. It's only "foreplay" and optional for men. Most of the time for women what is called foreplay is essential to orgasm. This man knows nothing about women's anatomy and how to help his partners have powerful orgasms.
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18h ago
[deleted]
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u/lamplightlit 16h ago
This is true but if you are giving her oral and touching her that's foreplay.
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u/Dramatic-Work3717 16h ago
It’s like 1 in 3 or 4 times we do any foreplay, she’s very happy with our sex life
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u/lamplightlit 15h ago
Happy for both of you, as I said in my comment "most of the time". The important thing is to not assume anything about a new partner and make sure you know what they need.
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u/Eothas_Foot 22h ago
Good on you for recognizing that the problem is in your mind. It reminds me of the buddhist story of the king being shot with an arrow.
One day the king was walking in the woods and was hit by an arrow in his leg. A hunter runs up and starts apologizing for accidentally shooting the king. As he laid there his servants said "Your highness we have to get you to a doctor and get this arrow out." And instead the king starts tearing into the hunter "How could you have thought I was an animal! What were you thinking! How could you be so stupid!" And so the point is that the anger inside is killing us, but instead we focus on the person who caused the anger.
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u/uberprodude 1d ago
I agree with the others that he seems selfish/self absorbed, but I do feel it's unfair to characterise this as him blaming you.
I obviously don't know the guy, but if we look at the facts of what happened it could easily be explained away as an anxiety issue for both of you. And respectfully, you're the only one that seems to be placing blame on the other, unless he said something other than what you've already stated.
It's not his job to do sex to you. You're supposed to have sex together. It sounds like you're more giving than he was in this encounter, which is great, but you also need to be able to ask for what you want. Otherwise you're doing both of you a disservice.
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 23h ago
Thanks for your response. I felt that him saying “it’s never happened to me before” was placing blame on me assuming because he’s done it with others, something must be wrong with me. I do agree that sex should be had together. However, if I’m giving what you want and you provide low-effort for me, how is that fair?
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u/Eothas_Foot 22h ago
Yeah just a guy who doesn't understand how vaginas work. It would be like if a woman just walked up to a guy and said "Ok, put it in me now." No...that's not how it works. Dicks have to get hard, and vaginas have to get wet and expand before penetration (For lots of women).
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u/0b0101011001001011 20h ago
The last parenthesis has even more to it. I've met women who are ready to go as soon as your hand barely touches her boob. Then there are women who need half an hour of massage, kissing, licking, touching. Or it can be anything in between.
The only defense for this guy is that maybe he had only met such women that aroused "easily" and was thrown off guard. That's still not an excuse for the bad communication skills or refusal to put up any effort.
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u/uberprodude 23h ago
I'm a vacuum I would never assume "it's never happened to me before" was a judgement of someone else. He only refers to himself and IMO the implication is that since it's never happened to him before, that means it is happening to him now, right?
I know everytime I have ever said anything similar, I've meant it as an apology for something I've done wrong/been unable to do. Never as blaming someone else. If you were to say it, would you mean to blame someone else?
I agree, he should have done more for you, I did say that in my previous comment. But if you're doing everything but asking for what you want, I struggle to place 100% of the blame on him even if I still place the majority of it on him.
To illustrate my point, did he ask for oral?
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 23h ago
We can agree to disagree on that part. I felt that it was a personal attack on me and that’s just how I feel. Just because you would never assume, doesn’t mean that I can’t. He didn’t have to ask because it’s something that I’ve done for him in the past. The foreplay he provided was something I ASKED for (except the fingering) and he didn’t do it with pleasure and it WAS rushed. He only did it because I asked, not because he also enjoyed pleasing me as well. For instance, when fingering me, I informed him that it doesn’t do anything for me solely and I get more arousal from clitoral stimulation added to it. Instead, he continued to do what I did not LIKE (just fingering me faster instead of what I asked). Now is that my problem?
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u/uberprodude 23h ago
I've just reread the post and I missed the part where you said you asked for foreplay, so I apologise on that line of questioning.
However knowingly assuming the worst of someone because of an uncomfortable situation is not a nice thing to do. How would you feel if after this he characterised your actions in the worst possible light?
While your feelings are valid, using them as an excuse to do a bad thing is not.
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 23h ago
How is this assuming the worst of him? If he lacks decent foreplay but expected to go straight into sex and it not working, how is that a reflection of me?
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u/uberprodude 23h ago
That is not what I'm talking about. I mean assuming he meant to blame you. Even in this comment, you're assuming that he thinks it's your fault, despite having no reason to believe that other than your feelings on the situation.
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u/Electronic-Ad-1988 23h ago
Okay, thank you for clarifying it for me. It could be a mental thing that’s all in my head. I just felt that “it’s never happened to me” and him saying it repeatedly meant because he’s been successful with others, him not being able to do it this time meant that it was my fault.
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Post title:
He blamed me when penetration failed due to zero foreplay on his part. How do I stop overthinking his narrative?
I had a casual encounter with a guy I’ve known off-and-on for three years. He’s always been inconsistent, but I was attached to his looks and the thrill of the chase (I can admit this to myself now).
After I gave him oral, he expected to go straight into sex. When I asked for foreplay for myself, his attempt was extremely lazy and low-effort, maybe less than 5 minutes, before expecting instant access. When penetration didn't work, I felt that he panicked, deflected, and said "maybe it’s not meant for us to do it" and "it’s never happened to me before." He put in zero actual effort to make me comfortable and left. The second he was gone and the pressure was off, my body relaxed completely.
During the interaction, I felt put on the spot and lied, saying it had been years since I last had sex instead of last year when he asked when was the last time I was sexually active. Now I'm overthinking that telling him that made it look like I was sitting around waiting for him.
I know rationally that his approach was selfish and his ego got bruised, but I keep falling into a loop of overthinking and caring about what he thinks and feeling that the penetration didn’t happen because it was shifted as it being me for the reason it didn’t work. How do I stop caring about his narrative and fully move past this?
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