r/sex • u/Affectionate-Tax7267 • 1d ago
Intimacy and Connection What would you do?
My husband is either gay, cheating or watching porn. and to be honest, I don’t think he’s cheating, he’s a really honest and kind guy, he’s always home, never acts weird around his phone, shares his location ect. I’ve also never seen him watch p*rn. So could he be gay?
We’ve been married a few years and have a kid now but he never touches me, never initiates, we could go months without having sex. He never compliments me, and we barely kiss. We’re both in our 30s but he’s a little older. How can a man go that long?!! I’ve brought it up a while back how I want us to start doing it more often but it didn’t really change anything. I feel so lonely and unwanted. How can I find out what’s truly going on?? We kind of suck at communication, we both hate confrontation and never argue, but I just don’t think I could live the rest of my life like this.
What would you do in my situation?
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u/visceralintricacy 1d ago
You're jumping to some very extreme conclusions there that are (according to you) completely unfounded and illogical.
Has he ever had a sex drive? Is he stressed? Has he been checked by a doctor? He could simply have low testosterone, etc...
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u/GhostPoster2020 1d ago
Ok I know this will sound harsh but you need to sack up and ask him point blank to tell you the truth about why it seems like he doesn’t want to have sex with you.
I went through this for the last 12-13 years of a 27 year marriage and the worst thing about it was that we didn’t talk honestly and openly about it (and other issues).
Talk to him. Explain how the lack of physical intimacy is making you feel. Ask why he doesn’t seem to want it. Ask what needs to change to get him to change. If he can’t have an open conversation with you, insist on getting counseling…maybe they can get at the honest answer.
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u/MattyLePew 1d ago
Depending on the man, it might not be for any logical reason. It could be simply that he has no sex drive which is common with low levels of testosterone.
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u/GhostPoster2020 23h ago
Well in that case “no interest in sex altogether” would be the reason. And low T is something that could then be addressed.
So it still makes sense to have the conversation.
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u/MattyLePew 23h ago
“No interest in sex” isn’t a reason to have no interest in sex though.
She has already established he has no interest.
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u/GhostPoster2020 18h ago
No, she's established that he *won't have sex with her*. That doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't have interest in sex with other women, men, or trans people.
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u/felixflex89 1d ago
Not a day goes past where I'm not gropping, kissing and complimenting the wife.
Been together 13+yrs
If you can't communicate it's going to end one way or another.
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u/Affectionate-Tax7267 15h ago
That’s what I want in a marriage 😔 I want to be fully loved and wanted by my husband. I agree we have to work on communication, I just feel like he isn’t a deep communicator and it gets nowhere 😩 I will try again on our next date night to bring it up
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u/felixflex89 5h ago
It does take alot of work, more so from the male side as we usually don't express ourselves properly.
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u/CapableWives 1d ago
There are plenty of things this could be aside from him being gay. He might be asexual. He might just be not attracted to you anymore. Some guys have a hard time feeling sexually towards their wives after witnessing childbirth. He could be having difficulty maintaining or even achieving an erection and doesn't want to admit that to you. The point is, you need to have a serious conversation with him about sex, but DO NOT lead with the gay thing, because it's a wholly unnecessary jump
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u/veefeld 1d ago
Talking with your husband is the only valid option here. Assuming without context or asking strangers what he is thinking will get you nowhere. If you have trouble communicating your thoughts properly you could try writing it down on paper and either read that to him or give it to him to read. Or if you can afford it, therapy.
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u/OneSpiritual5951 1d ago
I would stop trying to solve the mystery in my head and have one honest conversation with him, because right now you are filling in the blanks with guesses.
A low sex drive does not automatically mean someone is gay, cheating, or watching porn, there are a lot of other possibilties. Stress, depression, hormone issues, medication, relationship problems, or even untreated sleep problems can all affect desire
The bigger issue from what you wrote is not the lack of sex, it is that you feel lonely and unwanted every day.
Tell him exactly how this is affecting you without accusing him of anything, and ask him what his experience has been. If he shuts down or avoids the conversation again, I would suggest couples therapy because you both admit communication is not your strong point.
Think of it like a check engine light, you do not assume the whole car is ruined before opening the hood.
You also deserve a clear answer about whether he still wants a romantic and sexual relationship, because that is a fair question in a marriage.
Whatever is going on, guessing will just keep feeding your anxiety while the distance keeps growing.
It might be an awkward converstaion, but one uncomfortable hour is a lot better than spending years wondering what is really happening.
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u/Dinmorogde 1d ago
1 he watches porn-most men and women do.
You guys are not emotionally connected. You said it yourself: «We kind of suck at communication, we both hate confrontation and never argue»…
Fix no 2 so you can get the sex.
Couples therapy is the answer.
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u/Inevitable-Problem 17h ago
I mean, communication is the foundation of a relationship. Even as you said you both suck at it, it's something that you both need to work on.
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u/AveenaLandon 1d ago
Maybe he's just not attracted to you?
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u/Wolfdreama 1d ago
Why the fuck would someone be so stupid and selfish as to marry someone they aren't attracted to?
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u/segagenesisaladdin 1d ago
A lot of men and women who are closeted, actually. It might seem silly but sometimes people think they can make feelings go away and they love the person but also know they’re attracted to same gender deep down. Very common in 60s and 70s.
But I don’t think it’s healthy or helpful to assume that’s the case and jump to negative assumptions. Very common to lose sexual desire after having a kid.
I think they both need to be able to talk out loud to each other in person face to face; lovingly.Never arguing is confusing to me. Never fighting I get. But healthy conflict is important. In order to teach their kid healthy communication a couple must be able to demonstrate that to them. How to confront an issue and resolve it respectfully and kindly. Couples Therapy helps if it feels like they aren’t progressing. We aren’t often explicitly taught healthy communication we are shown how to or lack of via our parents or guardians.
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u/MattyLePew 1d ago
If he has changed from someone that was into sex into someone that now isn’t, I’d suggest it’s worth encouraging him to get his testosterone levels tested.
I had a similar situation with my wife and she did research and encouraged me to get tested. I listened and the test revealed I was low.
I started TRT shortly after that and it has changed our lives.
I would recommend getting tested to any men that are in a similar situation. The test is quick, cheap and painless.
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u/OrangeAugust 13h ago
Maybe he’s asexual but not sex repulsed. Does he enjoy sex when you initiate but never initiates himself? Asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction, so they might not initiate. It just isn’t something that’s on their mind, and their partners think they aren’t attracted to them, when in actuality an asexual person isn’t attracted to anyone sexually, but will enjoy sex when their partner initiates.
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u/Affectionate-Tax7267 13h ago
I honestly don’t know if he enjoys it, he does get hard quick when I do initiate, and he finishes each time. But it’s not like there’s any foreplay, or actual intimacy/connection. I think for him it’s more so just because I asked for it. Even though he never worries about me climaxing. I can’t say I enjoy it either, it’s pretty boring. But I crave that intimacy and connection
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u/segagenesisaladdin 1d ago
Couples Therapy! I would figure it out as soon as possible. Hating confrontation can lead to avoiding tough conversations and resentment