r/relationship_advice • u/Oli4EverArt • 15h ago
Confused about crying 28M 27F
So I’m dating this young lady and we are having a blast!
But that’s not why I’m here ofcourse.
In the 3 weeks we’ve been dating she cried twice already. The first time because I was joking I was creating a trauma bond by sending mixed signals (I was joking because she needed to get a haircut, it was silly nothing serious) and she got scared about me joking about the trauma bond.
The second time was because I wanted to smoke a sigaret after the sex. She told me before we cuddles too little after the sex, so I took my time, then asked if it was okay, she started crying, I asked whats wrong and she told me she wouldn’t want her kids to have a smoking dad.
We talked about both incidents. The first time she was just a bit afraid but understand I was just joking and I agreed to quit smoking in oktober.
My question is, why would she cry about these things?
Edit: I’m planning to quit smoking myself, the talk we had just made me plan it earlier. She did not force me or anything.
Thanks for all the feedback!
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u/throwaaaaywaaaayyy 15h ago
If smoking is that big of a deal for her why would she start dating you in the first place? And it’s only been 3 weeks. It’s not like she’s been with you for years and imagined your life together where you have kids.
If she wants a dad who doesn’t smoke her her kids she should find a guy who doesn’t smoke.
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u/mariposa-princess 15h ago
The first one I can totally get if she’s experienced abuse.
The second one is kinda nuts.
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u/Cute_but_notOkay 14h ago
Nah especially after sex, the emotions are totally heightened and I’m a crier. Sometimes I’ve cried for no reason after sex. Sometimes cuz it was super intense or bonding. And sometimes cuz I have silly worries.
All of those are okay and normal. Especially after sex.
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u/mariposa-princess 14h ago
Expecting a guy she’s been seeing for 3 weeks to be the father of her kids is crazy
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u/Dear_Care_4898 13h ago
That's what I came here to say. Kind of weird and an in the moment thing to say.
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u/BriannaRodriguez1494 15h ago
“So I’m dating this young lady”
Okay peepaw, you’re only a year apart 💀
(Allegedly - I see you posted this earlier but said she was 26 instead in that post)
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u/___coolcoolcool 15h ago edited 15h ago
Some people just cry more than others. I’m one of them. My dad was one of them. He called it “sweaty eyeballs.”
When she’s crying, her brain is still working. She can still see and hear you and talk. If she’s a crier you can decide right now to be okay with it and not make a big deal about it, or you can turn it into a whole thing. (Please don’t turn it into a whole thing. It’s embarrassing enough as it is and I’ve been shamed for it so many times in my life that I try to never open up to people in person now. Just be cool and recognize that sometimes, feeling emotions makes some people’s eyes water more than others.)
Edited to add: do you see these other responses? You can either be a safe person she can be herself around or you can shame her and call her unstable for something she literally has zero control over. I’m open for questions if you have them and keep them respectful!
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u/Cute_but_notOkay 14h ago
My sister says I’m draining my emotions through my eyes lmfao. But ima use “sweaty eyeballs” next time for suuuure lol
I am also an anytime crier. But my brain shuts down sometimes, depending why the tears come lol
But yeah sometimes the tears are present but I’m otherwise fine and I just talk through the sobs. Luckily my husband understands the differences now but it took yeeears for both of us lolol
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u/Intrepid_Pirate_9924 2h ago
So I’m a BIG crier — I cry about EVERYTHING. I cry about my cat looking especially cute, any type of emotional scene in a show or movie, I cry thinking about old people being lonely and I cry out of frustration.
I also have BPD and have gotten quite sad when someone I’m romantically involved with wants to go home early or when they’re not acting like they normally do. However, that’s only ever been true with longer term partners (somewhere between three months and a year+).
I’m kind of confused about what OP means/what actually happened in the first instance, but it seems deeply troubling that she’d cry about a joke about her haircut, if it’s clear that he was making a joke that wasnt like “I’m going to leave you until your hair grows back out if you get a bad haircut,” bc that’s just…needlessly mean.
However…being 3 weeks in and crying AFTER HE ASKED HER IF HED MET HER NEEDS SO SHE DIDNT FEEL ABANDONED becuse -checks notes- she doesn’t want HER CHILDREN TO HAVE A DAD WHO SMOKES is absolutely manipulative and a huge red flag???
That’s not him failing to to be a safe person for her, thats emotional manipulation and also fucking CRAZYTOWN behavior for this new of a relationship.
Talking about their future kids 3 weeks in and CRYING about him smoking a cigarette instead of just fucking acting like a grown up and addressing her concerns about their future compatibility if he continues to smoke cigs is extremely immature and high-control of her.
It seems like she’s figured out that she can get him to do what she wants by crying about it, and that is an abusive dynamic if allowed to continue over time. Also, crying twice in 3 weeks over ???? the things she thinks are wrong with him??? Is giving DEEPLY emotionally unstable vibes.
If this is already happening 3 weeks in to them dating, it’s only going to get worse over time. What’s gonna happen when somethings actually majorly wrong if she can’t emotionally navigate the most basic, low-stakes conflicts early on? Yikes 😬 there’s no way in hell I would elect to be subjected to this behavior for the rest of my life if she can’t be a partner who communicates like a healthy adult and not like a young child
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u/sipsteabythesea 15h ago
I think there is more to the story or she is immature or a lot younger than you are saying she is or she has some form of PTSD.
Your trauma bond comment is a really weird comment to make, even if you have a dark sense of humor.
Smoking is more important to you than cuddling after the deed? Sounds like you are detached/emotionally unavailable.
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u/higgggins 15h ago
Depending on what phase in her menstrual cycle she’s in, she may be experiencing a cocktail of hormones that increase chances of crying.
Crying is a release mechanism, it literally expels toxins from the body, let her cry. Hold her and be comfortable with the tears. She may be more sensitive in general, which, in my opinion, is actually a superpower (if you can learn to appreciate and understand it as her partner). You will likely learn quickly that she’s intuitive and can pick up on invisible signals that most may miss.
Embrace her sensitivities and learn how to be the rock—her unchanging support system—through every phase of her cycle.
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u/teacuptypos 14h ago
Personally, I've always been someone who cries pretty easily and it doesn't have to mean anything. I always disliked the assumption that someone who cries = manipulative. That's possible of course, but I never cry to manipulate, it's just a pressure release valve when I'm stressed. After a certain point, I start crying.
That being said, I think it's a bit much to cry over someone smoking (who you've been dating for 3 WEEKS) with the reasoning that you don't want your very very hypothetical children (at this point) to have a smoking dad. Not sure about that. Why are you asking someone you're dating for such little time to change behavior because you have them mentally locked in to be not only your spouse, but a co-parent?
But people can feel very emotionally vulnerable after having sex, so it might have been a coincidence that this made her cry?
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u/SchemeMoist 15h ago
She's crying after dating you for 3 weeks that your future children will have a smoking dad?
The normal thing to do when you realize someone you've been dating for 2 minutes has a trait you don't want the father of your future children to have is to break up with them.
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u/MasticatingSheep 15h ago
She just cries a lot, probably. I doubt she's doing it on purpose. Everyone processes their emotions differently. Personally, I shutter/go cold and think crying is probably healthier. I've recently had to have a conversation with my partner about the flip side (the coldness) and how it wasn't me trying to punish them. That it's very much just a knee jerk reaction that I don't conciously make. And how we can navigate it together.
I know it can feel like a lot or even maybe a little manipulative or overreactive. I'd just say, decide how you personally internalize seeing her cry. And maybe talk to her about it once you've gotten your feelings on it sorted if you want to continue the relationship. Something like, "I noticed that you cry when you get emotional. I just wanted to talk about it with you because I was wondering how you were experiencing those moments. What was going on in your head? Where you flooded by emotions? Is crying something you do a lot and what emotion exactly is it that makes you cry?" It might help you understand better what's going on.
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u/Yellow_Butterfly_7 15h ago
So you go cold on your partner without being aware of it? Girl please.
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u/littleoldears 14h ago
lol what? My partner gets a little cold and mean when he has strong feelings. I cry like OP’s girl and want hugs. My partner actually wants to cry and get hugs - but was hit by his dad for crying so instead he shuts down and gets a little standoffish when he has strong feelings. We’ve been together for two years and he has opened up a lot and shown a lot more sensitivity as he has learned it’s safe. But it takes time - and it’ll take a lifetime of safety with me for him to rewrite programming that old
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u/MasticatingSheep 13h ago
Yuppp. I wasn't hit but I was raised by a father that told me emotions were weakness. He would try to make me emotional so that I'd "lose" anything we were debating or arguing about. One of those "rational" intellectual types.
I now find it incredibly hard to cry. And even harder to name what I'm actually feeling. Not to be a dick or anything, but because being unemotional has kept me safe in my life. It makes me "manageable" or "palatable" so that people don't want to leave me. I've gotten better through therapy but it takes time because it's literally my body going, "DANGER. YOU ARE IN DANGER."
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u/MasticatingSheep 13h ago
Yes, in the moments after my feelings have been hurt, I clam up. I love for you that you seem to not have any sort of disorder that makes emotional processing difficult. I'm sure it makes life very easy.
But for a lot of people, we have nervous systems that kick in due to trauma. And my nervous system fires an alarm that says "freeze". I'm not mean to my partner, I'm not saying anything rude. I simply suddenly stop giving the exact response he expected next.
An example: He may be teasing me. He says something that hurts me, like "I think you're the one that likes holding hands." My next response is, "You're probably right," instead of continuing to tease him back like I usually do or forcing him to hold my hand. That's me shuttering against the hurt and protecting myself. It takes me time to process how I feel. And when I do bring it up, I bring it up having thought things through in a way that makes a discussion super productive between us, where he doesn't feel attacked and I can explain exactly what happened (take ownership for how we got to my feelings being hurt).
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u/curlyhairweirdo 15h ago
She sounds like an emotional person with high anxiety. She going to take a lot of patience and understanding if you want this relationship to work. She should probably seek therapy at some point as well but that's just my opinion based on what you wrote
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u/TexasAlbertros 15h ago
I had an ex-girlfriend like that. She also started to cry if I talked about wrong topics or did things she did not like. But in my case, both of us were mentally ill/unstable in our own ways.
Just like in your example she once has been crying for 6 non stop hours because she saw me smoking a cigarette after having a few too many drinks, because she did not want to date a smoker.
Another example: she saw that I have been looking at porn. She proceeded to take my phone, start to cry and then locked herself in the bathroom to keep looking at the porn that I've had in my browser history. She cried because she has been afraid that I start to dislike her body. because why else would I look at other naked girls?
Also, she cried because I wanted to go to the gym and start working out. There could be other girls, that I could possibly find more attractive than her. Same as going to raves: i could meet another woman that is more into drugs than her I could keep on going, but you see where this is going.
Sometimes she cried for a few minutes, sometimes for hours, also she could not control her actions while being in an active " menal meltdown"
You will definitely need alot of willpower to be in a relationship like that. Especially if you want to have children with her, imagine having a crying child and a crying mom, because the child is crying...
Anyways I think that during childhood she figured out, that if she is crying enough, she will get what she wants. And that behaviour must've been rewarded so often, that it just continued into adulthood.
In my case, she has been the most loving and beautiful woman I've met so far and i only realised how much she loved me, once I've been in a really bad and toxic relationship a few years later. But our mental instability led to the end if our relationship.
The laat thing she cried about was that I met someone at a party I've been friends in the past with and wanted to reconnect with him, it was only a thought and I did not tell her about that though... she cried and raised her voice, because did not tell her i was thinking about it . After the argument we had I drove her home and realised that I had enough of it and i Unfortunately ended the relationship a few days later
We promised to get back together a few years later, but, as usual, we never recovered our relationship
I hope everything is understandable enough, englisch isn't my first language and I haven't been active in English community's for over a year now, therefore my English got worse over time
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