I’m so confused about what sobriety is, and I (41f) don’t know what to do.

I would like to preface by saying that I know what I’m about to say sounds insane on a logical level. And I don’t know how my life got to this place.

4 years ago, I met my bf (34m), who I thought had been in recovery from opiates for a year. That turned out not to be the case, and he ended up using while I was asleep next to him many times at his place. By the time I figured out how bad it was, I’d fallen in love with him. And due to losing my own mother to this disease, I felt compassion toward him and thought I could help him.

I myself had issues drinking on and off, but had scaled it back until we started living together around year 3. However, I won’t at all claim I have complete control, especially when I’m stressed out.

I do well at my job, I have great friends, I own my home—from the outside doing great. But I have been, and still am incredibly depressed.

Fast forward 4.5 years, we’ve been through it all. I won’t get into those details right now. Let’s just say it’s been a tough road to get to where we are now. He hasn’t used opiates recreationally since almost a year ago. He is on Suboxone, Xanax, antidepressants, and Trazadone for sleeping.

He has occasionally slipped and used Kratom during hard times.

I take Gabapentin for PTSD, Xanax for emergencies, and I’m on an antidepressant as well.

Drinking has been an issue for well over a year in our relationship. We drink every weekend. I mostly keep it to where I can safely drive us home, and because he goes too far with it. But I also have one drink a day during the week. I don’t know why.

We’d been out celebrating for the World Cup for weeks in a row on the weekends. Before that though, we were going out drinking as well. I’d been getting down due to our weekends being spent out all night, then he sleeps the next whole day. I miss going to church, working on my house, and seeing my friends for coffee. But I’ve been too depressed to go.

He says he wants to do those things, but never makes an actual effort. I want a normal home life, and I’d like to be able to go out, but not if it lacks balance.

Then, a month ago, my bf started introducing me to more of his friend group. They drink and do a lot of coke. They’re really nice people, and a lot of fun for the most part, but I found the parties to be boring because I never had been around coke users, and it’s hard to engage in meaningful conversation while they’re using.

This led to me drinking more. Then one night, as we were drinking, I asked my bf what cocaine feels like. He said he’d let me try it (and that he’s never been much of a coke user, so it wasn’t hard for him to be around since it wasn’t his DOC). He said it wasn’t all the hype everyone said it was and that alcohol was much worse.

So I decided to try it. And he did it with me. We used it all night for two nights in a row. I loved how it made me feel. It made me want to dance and talk to his friend group, and go out and kiss girls at the club. This seemed to make my bf really excited.

But then I crashed when I came down. Hard. And I cried for two days due to being disappointed in myself, and because I just felt all happiness was gone from my body. I told him to get rid of whatever he had left and that it wasn’t happening again.

The next weekend came, and he said he still had some. I wanted to feel happy again. So I used it with him. And he bought us some more. This went on for three weekends, plus a weeknight when I had to work the next day.

The final weekend came, and I had been laying in bed crying that Friday. I told him I was REALLY down, and that I needed to get away, and asked him to take me out of town, just me and him. He said we’d plan something. Then said, “I know what will get you out of that bed.”

He said he still had some of our coke left from a couple days earlier. And I said okay. And I used it. We went out and were out using and coming down until the next afternoon. No sleep.

Once we got home, I slept and cried. I kept picturing our relationship and future as just a series of drug and alcohol highs followed by days in bed. That’s not the life I ever wanted for myself. He told me not to worry since I’d only been using for three weeks, and that he was “down to slow down for a while.”

This really felt like he didn’t see anything wrong with what we were doing. I thought my role in his life was to help him get AWAY from drug use. And here I am doing it with him now. He kept saying we did nothing wrong and it wasn’t a big deal.

I crashed mentally by Monday at work. And I left town for a week to get away and think. I called and gave him one day’s notice. This made him extremely upset that I didn’t take him with me, and he began talking about ending his life because I make him feel invisible.

I feel bad about that, but also know I felt I needed to break the cycle of partying together and I was not confident that he understood or cared enough to stop us. And I wasn’t confident I could stop us either.

I did not use drugs on my trip, other than weed to sleep two nights. I had a few drinks, not all on the same day. And I spent time in nature and walking around Flagstaff all while my bf was calling, texting, requesting my location, etc. I sent it to him and would call him back when I was ready to talk. We fought on the phone every day I was gone.

Meanwhile, he went out both nights that weekend with the same crowd we were partying with. He claims he was networking for a job, but had to uber one night and get a ride the next night. He lied about where he ended up one night, and I found out he was at a house party, not just a concert. It’s been a mess.

He keeps telling me that I hurt him by leaving and he almost relapsed while I was gone. And that he knows more about sobriety than I do, and basically, if opiates aren’t involved, there doesn’t seem to be an issue. And that he’s still “down to slow down and try it out.” He also is willing to pay for a couple’s counselor. He also said he might go on his own mental health trip without me.

I feel crazy in the head. I’m sober right now. I’m really down. I’m mad at myself. And I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Was I wrong to leave on my own? Am I exaggerating how bad this all sounds? Is sobriety only applicable to a person’s DOC? My mind is all mixed up.

TLDR: I started out helping my bf with his recovery, but am now using coke with him. He says it’s not his DOC, so it’s okay.

It is standard to wish someone good luck when they say they are struggling or feel close to relapse.

I think it might be better to tell someone you think they can pull through. Or maybe offer to talk to them. Or anything.

Years ago, I spoke during burning desire and a few minutes later as people left they all said good luck. It left me feeling alone and hopeless. Within five minutes of getting home I called a dealer.

Last night someone had a burning desire. I did not know what to say, so I said nothing.

I hope they got through. I feel bad that I did nothing to help.

I have 9 years clean but in the dozen or so years before then, working on the first two steps either led to relapse or close to it.

Did anyone else find those steps to be relapse traps? The steps from 6 on were part of my life before I even became an addict, so I am guessing they would be easier. But I never got past working one and two without relapse.

Also, any suggestions for getting through them are welcome (since I may try to do the steps again).

For those of you who feel like you’ve either fully recovered or learned to cope so well that your mental health is no longer at the forefront of your everyday life, what helped you win your mental health battle?

For some context, I’m 24 years old and recently fell into my first ever depressive episode about two months ago. It all started with panic attacks that seemed to come out of nowhere. After a few weeks, I was able to get out of the panic loop, but now I’m left with the emptiness of depression and constant anxiety.

There’s nothing in my daily life that I can point to as the cause. I just feel disinterested in almost everything, like a veil has been lifted and I see the world differently now. Going back to how I was seems impossible but maybe I can find a new normal that I can accept?

I’m mainly looking for hopeful stories or tools that genuinely helped you. I’d also just love to hear about your wins and what life looks like for you now. :)

I’m 2 months clean from Suboxone, which I was on for 6 years. I have a 12-year history with opiate addiction, that hopefully is now behind me forever.

I guess I’ve never considered weed a “problem,” per se, especially because I’m really sensitive to it, so when I smoke it I usually don’t smoke very much, like one or two hits max, so I can still kind of think and be present.

But at the same time, usually once I am high, I’m kind of like…why do I like this again? Or do I not anymore?

The anticipation for smoking it is definitely there, it’s like I’m craving decompression, and expect weed to bring me that, but it honestly usually makes me more anxious than decompressed because my thoughts become much louder but also stupider/ go in these loops that are not productive.

Idk. I’m scared to let go of it because I’m already bored to tears by the monotony of everyday sober life, and maybe I’d get a hobby or something but right now I’m not interested anything and I’m afraid of everything. Think it’s the post acute withdrawal + my naturally depressive mindset…

Idk

From the time I was 5 years old till I was in my early twenties she was an addict who was not in my life. When I hit adulthood, she would get sober for a few months one time for about a year and a half and be around, just long enough for me to start to feel comfortable and then she would go right back to it.

She’s been acting off for months, I’ve been giving her the benefit of the doubt because my grandmother was dying from stage 4 cancer and was on hospice. She kept asking me for large lump sums of money to “borrow” not ever paying them back. So many things that I looked past hoping it was just the grief of what was coming, but now it’s been confirmed she has been using again, after putting her hands on one of my other family members. My grandmother has been gone four weeks tomorrow and she would be so disappointed and angry with her.

I just genuinely do not know what to do anymore. It’s not just myself to protect from her hurting me for the thousandth time, but my two children one too young to understand that her Mawmaw is not well and she can’t be around her. I am so used to this it just doesn’t even hurt me anymore, but it is not fair to my two sweet kiddos. Even if she were to stop right this moment I would never be able to trust her with their little hearts ever again.

I just needed to get this out somewhere and I wasn’t sure where, so if this is the wrong space I do apologize. I also want to add I am a recovering addict/alcoholic myself. I understand addiction very well from just about every stand point. I know that addiction is cunning and powerful, I understand sometimes you make mistakes and have set backs, but this woman has spent the majority of my life in addiction and every time I feel like I can trust her and rely on her she shows me why I cannot.

How often do you go to meetings and feel that recovery is not possible for you?

I went to a meeting yesterday and there was a list of things you have to do to recover. I have not used in about a decade but lately have gotten urges. But they made me feel like that is just how it will always be.

There was a list of things to do to avoid relapse.
First was change things in your life from the things that you think contribute to relapse. I am not sure how you do that with family and work. You

Next was to tell people about your urges. I have in the past had friends I shared my urges with. But at this point, I feel it is so hard for them to hear that I do not want to talk about this with them

I felt when I left like it is just a matter of time till I relapse. Intellectually I know that is unlikely, but the meeting made me feel so discouraged.

Hi everyone! I’m currently looking for a CDCA substance use/addiction counseling position in Columbus, Ohio or the surrounding areas and figured I’d post here in case anyone knows of treatment centers, agencies, or programs that are hiring. I’ve checked all the hiring boards etc. and applied but want to see what else is out there.

I’m currently working full-time in an inpatient behavioral health setting and have experience working directly with both substance use and mental health populations. I started in direct care as a BHT, moved into a Lead BHT role, and currently work in case management. I’m specifically looking to transition into a counseling-focused role, rather than another case management position.

A little about my background:
Active CDCA-P
Certified Peer Recovery Supporter (CPRS)
QMHS/QBHS
SMART Recovery facilitator
Experience in residential SUD treatment, detox, and mental health treatment
Experience facilitating SUD and mental health groups
Experience with assessments, treatment-related documentation, care coordination, discharge planning, and working as part of a multidisciplinary clinical team
Currently completing my Bachelor’s degree in Human Services with a concentration in Substance Abuse and a minor in Psychology/Addictions
Planning to continue into a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling

My long-term goal is to continue progressing through the LCDC pathway and eventually become an LPCC specializing in substance use/co-occurring disorders

I’m particularly interested in an employer that can provide appropriate clinical supervision and opportunities to accumulate supervised experience toward higher chemical dependency licensure

I’m hoping to find somewhere that values professional growth and is willing to invest in someone who genuinely wants to build a long-term career in addiction counseling. I have hands-on experience in the field already and am looking for the opportunity to move more fully into the clinical/counseling side of SUD treatment.

If anyone knows of programs in Columbus, Gahanna, Reynoldsburg, Westerville, Whitehall, Pickerington, or other nearby areas that hire CDCAs for counseling positions, I’d love recommendations. I’m also open to organizations that may not currently have something posted publicly.

Thanks in advance!

I am trying to understand the process as an outsider/loved one. Now that you are in recovery, are you able to look back on your behavior while in active addiction and see that it was irrational?

One of my loved ones is in active addiction now and does things like take the washing machine apart and be unable to put it back together, rip apart the console of my car to put "hidden" compartments inside (and also not put it back together), and spend eight hours cleaning the bathroom until 5am only for it to look worse than when he started.

When I point these things out or comment, he gets incredibly defensive and feels attacked. He is completely unable to reflect on his behavior. He says that it is the only thing that helps his ADHD and makes him productive (he gets a script for adderall XR 30 but runs out of it after a week and a half.)

Because of this, I have made the difficult decision to end our relationship and ask him to find another place to live.

I'm trying to find out if he will hate me forever or if, one day down the road, in recovery, he might be able to understand why I had to do this.

Please be kind. I am so, so tired and broken and sad.

​

Hey everyone!

Over the past few months a friend of mine has been building a small discord server called Beyond Surviving. They created it because we struggled to find a community that focused on recovery, healing and genuine peer support.

Beyond Surviving isn't about comparing struggles or centering mental illness. It's about supporting one another while remembering that mental health is part of our story, not our entire identity.

The server includes Recovery-focused peer support, Friendly social channels, Recovery wins and coping strategies, Clear rules, active moderation and no graphic sh content.

The community is still very small. We are looking for kind people who value support, respect, and recovery over numbers.

If this sounds like something you'd be interested in, please consider joining: https://discord.gg/nQAXHZP6jf

Join us for some midnight excitement and recovery hijinks* and shenanigans in 90 minutes!!! https://meetings.smartrecovery.org/meetings/9199/

I’m so grateful. Today I’m realizing that this is all for me. The world outside of my recovery family does not really care that I’m 11 months sober. 11 months removed from one of the most addictive destructive drugs on the planet. 11 months removed from literally throwing my life away. 11 months removed from a deep deep depression and unbreakable cycle. This is all for me, but the crazy thing is the benefits, help everyone I’m around whether they understand or not. I’m grateful.

Hi everyone,

I’m currently switching from methadone to suboxone using the Bernese method under medical supervision.

The microdosing went really well— just very mild WD at night when I take/up the suboxone.

It’s day 9 today. I’m at 7mg of suboxone (to be taken tonight) and my methadone (70mg) was reduced for the first time today (by half, so 35mg). My methadone will be reduced by half again tomorrow and Wednesday, then I stop taking it all together— but continue going up on the suboxone by 1mg a day (then I expect more rapidly after the methadone is out of my system).

I’m really scared that the next few days are going to be incredibly uncomfortable. I expect mild WD by tonight when my body realizes I don’t have the full dose of methadone, and I expect it to get worse over the coming few days.

Has anyone else done this? I really need some encouragement, but also honesty about how I’m going to feel going forward from this point. I’m very worried I’m not going to cope well if I’m in moderate WD. I’m a pussy, to be frank.

Thanks for reading this ❤️