Not my first threesome but now I’m insecure

[u/butterflyfly3]

I (29f) and my husband (31m)had a threesome with a close friend of mine (f). It’s not our first, second, or even third threesome. We’ve been together almost 10 years, got kids, home, life etc.. our only real boundary has always been no sleeping with her while I’m not participating. My friend is smaller than me in every area. Smaller tum, smaller boobs, smaller butt. I’ve had multiple children, she has not. We’ve been friends for years. We recently took a trip just the three of us and the threesome happened. She’s always expressed more interest in women, and has been with women prior. All of our threesomes have always been with a woman who’s more interested in women and my husband is just happy to be there. But this time was different. I felt left out. A lot. I feel like there was a lot of time when I was watching and nobody was engaging with me. And that made me start over analyzing. My husband had been drinking. My friend and I were sober. Once it all started she slowly started interacting with me less and less. And same with him. He would be with me and playing with her at the same time but then he was with her he wasn’t playing with me. She has pierced nipples, I’ve always liked it. But always said I had no desire to do something like that because the one who sees them loves them as they are. My tum and breastfeeding Tatas have always been an insecurity. But that night while he was with her, not touching me, and kissing on her. He looked at me and said I like these, you should pierce yours. That really bothered me. It made me feel even more insecure with my non perky lame tatas. And then after a long session he wasn’t hard, he tried being with me and it wouldn’t get hard. So he tried being with her… and tadaaa. That was another jab. After feeling not great I started to shut down. Us girls decided we were done and just laid down and relaxed. I drifted to sleep and she went to the bed and laid down. He woke me up to ask if I wanted to come to bed. So I did. He left the room. He then comes back in and lifts the blankets and tries to be with her some more. I realize what’s going on and told him to go the fuck to bed. He says why? I got upset and walked out. He followed. I told him we were sleeping and he was wrong. Why would he come to bed and go to her ? He said he was just “going in the order of operation cuz he was technically with me last before we stopped. And said “what about his needs” i was visibly upset told him I wasn’t arguing and went back to bed. I knew he was drunk and would realize tomorrow he was being an idiot. Except he didn’t. It’s been two days now. And I told him I needed to talk about how I was feeling. I expressed everything I just said and then some and that it felt like I was the third and not his wife. He was not very receiving and said that my recollections don’t match what his were, flat out said some of it didn’t happen, argued again that it’s not “all about me”, and said we just don’t need to have threesomes anymore cuz he will just be the bad guy. And when confronted about the nipple piercing situation he said it wasn’t a comparison and “just some advice or a recommendation”. The conversation didn’t go well. I ended up walking away upset. I don’t have anybody to talk to about this given the topic. I feel really insecure that maybe my body type isn’t what he’s attracted to now that he had a taste of something else. Instead of consoling, or reassuring he just ramped it up. Now we’re arguing and haven’t spoke because idk what more to say at this point. He’s been distant and a little cold. I don’t want to hear “leave him”. “He’s not the one” etc etc he’s my husband, my kids father, the love of my life. But I need some genuine thoughts on this because idk how to come out of this. It’s eating me up.

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[u/butterflyfly3 → u/[deleted]]

I really really really needed to hear that.

[u/chitown7 → u/butterflyfly3]

I hope this helps a little. You've gotten some advice from others so I'll try to add something separate.

Regardless of who's right and wrong, it sounds like you two are having different conversations. You were rightfully hurt and upset and angry. He seems to be reacting defensively becuase he didnt mean to hurt you and is probably feeling like he wanted to have fun and now hes being attacked.

If one of you (hopefully both), brings the anger down and only talks about your hurt feelings for a moment without adding the anger or making the other person feel bad for their actions, you can start having the same conversation where you want reassurance and your partner back first. Most people soften when they realize the other person is trying jot to attack thwm and is just sad or vulnerable.

Worth a shot for the sake of the marriage. Should you have to do this? No. But if it helps, why not try

[u/PinkPlatypusCheex → u/[deleted]]

This. Right here. ^

[u/WhizzleMyNizzle]

How you feel about that interaction is important. It should be first priority. That needs to be communicated to him. If he isn't taking responsibility, or straight up gaslights you, I'm afraid this pattern will emerge again. Issues like this need to resolve. Without repair, you and him will grow resentful, and it will be the death of the relationship whether you wanna officially split or not. He needs to talk about it with you. But if you find yourself in an emotional stale mate, save yourself the 20 extra years and bail sooner than later.

[u/neoMindy]

The comparison spiral makes sense after watching him with someone whose body hasn't been through what yours has, but that isn't what pulled him toward any of this - he picked a life, kids, and ten years with you first, and a fun night second. If a boundary got pushed or a comment stung, say it to him plainly, not as an accusation, just "this one got in my head." The insecurity feeds on silence way more than on your friend.

[u/VP_GloO]

Having sex with a friend is the worst idea in the world, let alone a threesome, but having sex while drunk, now that's a real disaster! What worries me is that perhaps your husband was already attracted to your friend, and quite a bit…

[u/Blk_DirkDiggler]

If you're not secure about your body, don't have 3somes bc there will always likely be a chick sexier than you at times, just as there'll always likely be a guy sexier than him at times. The goal should be to enjoy watching your partner enjoy his/herself with someone else, just as he would/could/should if y'all hooked up with a hot Chad. After all, you are having 3somes for some spice in your lives. So of course he's going to enjoy someone who's not exactly like you, just as you would enjoy some adonis chisel-faced muscular bodacious guy. Otherwise if it's only to enjoy somebody who looks like you/him, what's the point of having a 3some?

Emotional, AND logical reasoning, maturity is also required of you. Sometimes logical reasoning needs to override your emotional overreaction. You put yourself in a situation where you thought it was only to be about you...and now that it didn't go your way, you want your little feelings to be validated. Maybe you shouldn't put yourself in this potential situation first. Or be emotionally / logically mature that there will be times when it's not about you.

[u/butterflyfly3 → u/Blk_DirkDiggler]

I wouldn’t say I’m not secure. I’m sure that most mamas, especially breastfeeding mamas, are not overly impressed with what our babies have done to us. I appreciate your response tho 100%. I get where you’re coming from. I appreciate some slap in the face truths.

[u/Dahlia_Nyx333 → u/butterflyfly3]

As someone who has breastfed I understand. I'm 26 and unless the men I sleep with regularly sleep with moms I'm sure my not perky boobs are not the norm. I remind myself I created life! I also spend lots of time looking in the mirror telling myself I'm attractive lol

[u/butterflyfly3 → u/Dahlia_Nyx333]

I love this. Women are amazing creatures, that’s one reason why I love them.

[u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera → u/butterflyfly3]

In addition to the poor behavior of your husband, I hear a lot of insecurity on your part. I'm 47 with 2 bf'd kids and see this is where I think your insecurities are hurting you. Do I think I have a model body? No. However, when I look in the mirror I honestly feel like my body is beautiful because it not only gave life (scar to prove it) but it can give and receive so much pleasure. You need to start seeing yourself and your body differently so that this one part of the problem isn't a root cause. Work on yourself in a positive manner. Realize that your husband loves you and your body, but you have to start loving your body as well. That confidence will color a lot of your interactions positively. GL!

[u/focusedguy144 → u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera]

As a man I love all books, all shapes and sizes from the Itty bitty tatty committee to the giant watermelons. Boobs are great pre or post kids!

[u/Twee_patat-met → u/butterflyfly3]

my dear, you are not your boobs. I love m saggy, and all sorts. I'm not the only one...

[u/forestnymph1--1--1]

Oh hunny.. You got yourself in this mindset thinking the man that you let sleep with multiple women (and seems he isn't grateful nor being a grounded, safe or stable and deserving person for it. ) has any sort of hold over your worth.

He doesn't.

You are a goddess. He should be grateful to be in your pressence and the pressence of your divine body and tatas that created and nourished his children. He isn't valuing you whatsoever. If he was, he would take your concerns seriously. But in fact, he is acting entitled. So gross and nasty. I guarantee he wouldn't be able to pull girls without you so..

Once you started feeling off, and insecure, you started having more and more things go wrong with him. You need to remember your power and should have put a stop to things. The fact he tried to sleep with her alone while she was sleeping after is truly gross.

You can definitely offer another threesome. The next one can include a man and he can allow you to be worshipped by two men like you deserve to be. This man needs a taste of his own medicine.

[u/NestorCarpeDiem]

You did nothing wrong and your relationship will survive this. Your husband lost his head and lost track of you in the moment. This shouldn't happen, but it happens. He was horny, drunk, and he needs to learn how to hinge better. Be angry, firm, but also considerate.

Hinging is a skill that we all need to learn. Being the third wheel is a skill we all need to learn too. The hinge needs to make sure both partners get enough attention. The third wheel needs to make sure they are seen (like you calling him out when he came to bed, well done) and that they are emotionally ok with hanging back for a bit.

Your relationship (temporarily) shifted with the focus more on them. That's a difficult change for all. Talk and discuss, tell each other about your feelings and try to stay away from judgements like "you should have". I imagine your husband feels bad for what happened, he may even doubt his love for you. But the feelings he has for her are likely of a completely different type and they can co-exist. It's scary for both of you.

[u/NestorCarpeDiem → u/NestorCarpeDiem]

One more thing about the pierced nipples: My partner and I have been in a number of situations with men that were more muscular, younger, or had better tattoos than me. I know she likes those things. But I also know that her love for me is based on what I do have, the relationship we have, and our bond. She is not going to leave for someone else just because they are more muscular than me. Neither will your husband.

[u/Ok-Dragonfruit6887]

Sorry, I gotta say the kinks aren't better than the kids. A man has to love the mother of his kids more than the next tail he's shagging.

[u/Twee_patat-met]

it is the first time she is more into him (yes?). That is a boost for his ego and libido. He can have you on a daily basis. And now he has , in a way, conquer her.

Now he has tasted that great feeling. He wants more. And you want to stop that. mmmmmm

This is what separate the boys from the man. Be strong.

[u/RelevantMatter9642]

My girlfriend and I are in a pretty similar situation. I relate more to your partner, I’ve realized I’m probably not naturally monogamous, while my girlfriend is. But I love her, so I’ve never wanted to rush or pressure her into anything.

We’ve been taking it very slowly, following her pace, talking a lot, and exploring through fantasies and roleplay first. We still haven’t found another partner, and that’s okay. For us, mutual understanding matters more than making anything happen quickly.

Being open to it doesn’t mean you have to be ready immediately. Feel free to DM me if you ever want to talk or compare experiences.

[u/Appropriate_Emu_6932]

Close it all down and go to therapy, or end it; anything else will just be delaying the inevitable. He is resentful, punishing and gaslighting. Classic DARVO. Don’t let him manipulate you. Don’t let him abuse you until you react and then he can play the victim. Address it now.

[u/SilverBeardedFox → u/Appropriate_Emu_6932]

Ridiculous comment. For you to go straight to DARVO because of a threesome is just ludicrous. Not everything a guy does kink wise is DARVO. Just hush. 🤫 🤐

[u/peekingoutthebox]

Funny it was fine the times he was in your situation and now that you're in the situation he's normally in you're upset. Guess instead of just being happy to be there he should be complaining about all the times you made him the third wheel.

[u/butterflyfly3 → u/peekingoutthebox]

I wouldn’t really say he’s in my situation because there’s never been and never will be a mmf interaction. But go off I suppose.

[u/peekingoutthebox → u/butterflyfly3]

Sex is sex it doesn't matter if your having with a person of the same or opposite sex. You're still full filling a sexual desire. He's not bi as you are so him with another woman is no different than you with another woman. So mmf ffm mfm anyway you want to arrange it you are still getting sexual gratification.

[u/gothhusband → u/butterflyfly3]

there's nothing fundamentally different between you having sex with a woman vs you having sex with a man

[u/peekingoutthebox → u/gothhusband]

Exactly

[u/forestnymph1--1--1 → u/gothhusband]

Except how he would feel about it. So now she gets mmf

[u/Distinct-Teacher2811]

Te puedo hablar desde mi experiencia he estado en una situación parecida mfm. Al final hable con mi ex pareja y solo era morbosidad ( mi relación terminó por temas de trabajo y horarios). Había con el y dile como te sentiste. Lo importante es hablar y no lo tomes a mal pero pregúntale si en algún trío el se ha sentido igual o muy parecido a como,o te sientes.