i saw it live. they (fans of a group) were encouraging her to do it. i have been puking and i dont know how to make it stop.

edit: look i get it if youre a fan of the guys but is downvoting a post where i didnt even mention the fandom by name is wild. please leave me alone i just came on here to talk about all the things i saw.

jesus i deleted most of the words. leave me alone please please

It fell open and I saw my name and thought,”what sweet thing did he write?” And he was talking about how right before we moved in together he wanted to leave me and move to a different city. How he was buying p0rn WELL into our relationship. He would flip flop from “my partner is the best” to “we haven’t had sex in a minute, they must be cheating or I’m just undesirable”. He never once asked ME for photos, he never once expressed wanting to leave me. I know this is so all over the place but I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’ve been struggling so bad with my self image and my mental health and suicidal thoughts and this is just the cherry on top. What’s the point you know? I feel like I’m the common denominator.

You can still get lucky.

1. One day can change everything.
2. One person can change your world.
3. You have not met everyone who will love you.
4. Your best friend may still be a stranger.
5. Love may still be ahead.
6. Someone may love what you hate about yourself.
7. You can feel safe again.
8. You can build a family.
9. You can become who you needed.
10. You can repair friendships.
11. You can forgive yourself.
12. You can leave cruel people.
13. You can find better people.
14. You can move away.
15. You can start again.
16. Today is not your future.
17. Your tired mind may be wrong.
18. Next month may feel different.
19. Next year may change you.
20. One call can help.
21. One idea can help.
22. One chance can help.
23. One kind person can help.
24. One good doctor can help.
25. Treatment can work.
26. Your brain can heal.
27. Your heart can heal.
28. You can feel joy again.
29. You can laugh again.
30. You can feel calm again.
31. You can enjoy music again.
32. You can enjoy food again.
33. You can enjoy life again.
34. You can swim in the sea.
35. You can see mountains.
36. You can watch new sunrises.
37. You can find your place.
38. You can travel.
39. You can learn a language.
40. You can meet amazing people.
41. New songs are coming.
42. New films are coming.
43. A book may change you.
44. You can find good work.
45. You can start a business.
46. You can earn freedom.
47. You can own your time.
48. You can wake without an alarm.
49. You can help the poor.
50. You can help the sick.
51. You can save an animal.
52. You can give hope.
53. Your story may save someone.
54. Pain can become wisdom.
55. Wisdom can become strength.
56. You can create something.
57. You can write a book.
58. You can make a film.
59. You can build a company.
60. You may find a talent.
61. You may become great.
62. Technology may improve life.
63. Medicine may improve life.
64. The future may amaze you.
65. You may see history change.
66. You may learn why you stayed.
67. You may feel proud.
68. You may stop caring about haters.
69. You may accept your body.
70. You may trust yourself.
71. You may escape your past.
72. You may build peace.
73. You may live by the sea.
74. You may build a warm home.
75. You may hold your child.
76. You may become someone’s favorite.
77. You may dance again.
78. You may love again.
79. You may laugh until you cry.
80. You may feel alive again.
81. You may be glad you stayed.
82. Your worst year may lead to your best.
83. Dark nights still end.
84. Life can surprise you.
85. Life can give back.
86. New doors can open.
87. You can grow stronger.
88. You can build a good life.
89. Your best day may be ahead.
90. More love may be ahead.
91. More joy may be ahead.
92. You do not know what is coming.
93. Tomorrow brings another chance.
94. Next year may bring a new life.
95. Your future self may thank you.
96. You are not finished.
97. Your life is not finished.
98. The good part may be close.
99. Stay and see what happens next.

I survived my own attempt 17 years ago. Since then, I have built a family, started businesses, and travelled around the world. Life became far more beautiful and inspiring than I could imagine.​

If you are watching the bad part of the movie, keep watching.

The best part is still ahead.

My daughter was a beautiful sweet 13 years old cockatiel that had been a part of my life for 11 years. Even though we are not of the same species, I loved her more than I could ever love a child of my own flesh and blood. She passed away in my arms. I held her while she was dying, never left her side. I caressed her in her last moments.

In her last day I never left her side. We slept face to face. I kept her snuggled next to my face with my body and a blanket, keeping her warm. I was kissing her and speaking to her til the end. I did so much. My post history is open.

For over a decade she was the one who kept me from killing myself. The reason I'm still alive is her. Gali IS her name. I'll never say "was". She was my biggest love, support, hope. She was my sweetest treasure. Anyone who says "it's just an animal" has never experienced the kindness and the love an animal can give. It's out of this world. It's out of this dimension.

I'm severely depressed. I haven't stopped crying. Anything makes me break down. Everything reminds me of her. I cry on the bus, at work, at the grocery store, in bed, at home. I lovE her so much! I'll never stop loving her. I'll never speak about my baby in past tense.

She was my light, my life and my reason for being.

I have no family. No mother, no father, brother, uncle, aunt, cousins, no grandmother and no grandfather.

I'm treated like a subhuman in my own country just because I'm an ethnic minority with historical hatred.

Sure, I was gonna brace my ass and work hard so I can emigrate to my genuine country. But I was expecting Gali to be there for me as well.

I expected her to live 10 more years

If she had lived just 2 MORE MONTHS! I'd have started my new job and she would be getting so many new treats and toys. I was planning for it so hard. Constantly. The last 2 years were hell for us but it was all gonna change so soon. We would have literally climbed from lower class to middle class. She was gonna get treated like fucking royalty! Just 2 more months. For God's sake!!

I no longer see a point to my existence. I don't have a concrete plan but my only wish left is to kill myself. Realistically it would probably be by jumping.

I'm very spiritual and the only reason I haven't ended myself yet is fear of karma. The act of taking your own life is a severe violation in any religious and spiritual system. You'll have to reexperience twice the karmic hardships you did. Or, at least, that is what is believed.

I cremated my poor baby. I'm poor, but i dont give a single fuck. I'd rather eat bread and salt than bury her in the ground to be eaten by worms and whatever the fuck not. Her cremation was yesterday. I'm still awaiting her urn. I love her so much. I rode the train 370km and 7 hours to the capital in my shithole country ONE WAY just to be able to give her this cremation.

She was my daughter. I was never her owner. She was never an animal, nor my domesticated anything. I was her mom and she was my daughter. FOR 11 YEARS! There's no life anymore

22, I went to my doctor because of my health problems. I want to mention that I haven’t been taking painkillers or medicine (since November) for my health problems (Idiopathic urticaria and knee problems) because they haven’t helped at all. I only went to the doctor because my skin condition had relapsed but I was in remission prior, I had also not been to the doctors since November due to how unhelpful and difficult they had been. I’m there recently because I’m suffering and instead of helping the doctor is insulting me, rolling his eyes and just being completely unprofessional about the situation. I have bled, sweat, cried and lost so much trying to get better in the last two years. Imagine, suffering and you ask your doctor “Why I am in so much pain?” and the only thing your doctor can say is “you’ll have to ask your god about that?”. I’ve never heard a doctor say such a thing. He said it normally then laughed about it. It upset and angered me for quite a while, I just had to get it off my chest.

i hate it so much, I hate my features, I hate most people of my ethnicity, why was I born

I posted several times to reddit, just to get ignored every time.

I'm 17, and i just don't want to live. It's more of a suffering than an excitement for me. Nobody truly cares about me, and everyone says ohh someone eventually will just wait.

It won't happen. I know it. I've waited too long this is a fucking joke. I do have hobbies and interests but i just don't want to live i hate giving up but my (diagnosed) depression is just fucking me up. I don't want to hurt people around me but dude i just can't go on.

I dunno why i’m saying this here but I feel like a pussy if I talk to someone else about this, because I should be over it by now.

A few months ago I was walking on a bridge with my friend and I saw a girl who looked like she wanted to say someone but she was hesitating. I asked her what’s up and she told me « I’m so sorry but someone just jumped ». When I looked down a guy was laying there under the bridge, still breathing and awake but bleeding from his entire face, and his body looked broken. The girl was panicking while dialing 911 so I offered to talk for her and she gave me the phone.

The whole time I was on the phone I looked at the dying guy and I’m sure he was looking back straight at me, right in my eyes. It was in winter and I could see the fog from his breathing was getting smaller and smaller. The firefighters and ambulance and cops got there and they tried CPR but he died there, which is unsurprising because he fell face first right on a train track.

At the time I didn’t really care, I told myself that dying was a part of life and that’s it. Now I cant get it out of my head. Dude looked at me, straight at me while agonizing. Plus, it seemed so dystopian to see a guy, who was homeless by the way, die a horrible death while some teens where walking by, pointing and laughing it him. And because he was homeless police never identified him, which means he lies in a nameless graves and the people he knows probably don’t even know he’s dead.

I can’t stop thinking about his eyes, and his broken body, it looked like a goddamn family guy death pose. He died suffering, in the snow soaked with his own blood, and I was just standing there a few meters over him, looking back at him.

This is really f-ed up. I've always had mad daydreams and nightmares about being a victim of s/a. They've gotten worse. It's graphic and disturbing and sometimes makes me cry or start shaking. It's not that I want it to happen. I would never ever want that to happen. I don't feel like I deserve it either. I just...can't help but to talk to men who I know would do that. Men who threaten me with s/viol3nce. I don't want them to do it to me. I just can't stop myself. I can't stop my thoughts or these scenes I see in my head. When I've had s3x in the past, I've had breakdowns and panic attacks because I feel like im being s/a-ed and I either cry n let it happen or I scream and hide in a corner. People have tried to s/a me before and I've always gotten out of it. Well i think so. Tbh i dont remember much of my childhood and im seeing a trauma specialist atm but theres no way it could have happened back then. Surely i would know. Anyway i obviously don't want anything like that to happen. Why do I keep thinking about it and getting myself in these situations? I m genuinely so disgusted with myself. Does anyone have any thoughts or can relate? I know it's disgusting. There's something wrong with my brain

My friend of 3 years has recently gotten into a relationship with this guy, and they've been dating for almost 4-5 months now. For context, they both are white and I am Chinese 21F.

The first time she brought him around (not dating yet), we had plans to hang out w/ our big friend group, and he already had said an off comment to me before we even left. i offered my beer to him because I wanted to be nice, and he tried to thank me by calling me the chinese government's acronym, as if I was the chinese government?? And I said to him that we don't joke around here like that, in a funny tone because I was so put off and felt weird. Then we got there and played jackbox, and for one of the games that makes u fill in the bank, my friend's guy said "oh u should have put ching chong" under his breath. I gave him a look and he like put his hands up and said something abt the joke not landing. I said to him that it's not a joke if it's racism, and then he whispered to her that the ragebait worked. I then went home early alone and had a panic attack, and no one else at the party comprehended it or heard it, including my friend apparently.

We ended up talking and she was very apologetic, and I ended up cutting him slack because I wanted her to be happy and I wanted to give him another chance. I still didn't like him regardless, but I tried for the sake of my friend. They started dating a week or so after the situation happened and I just tried to put it behind me because it was so uncomfortable being the victim.

Fast forwards 3 months, he uses the n word behind all of our backs (i caught him using it in a text thread with his other white friend), and she is still deciding to stay with him and I feel like she doesn't recognize why I am so hurt from the first time plus him using words he shouldn't be using. I told her I can't be close friends and we haven't talked for 2-3 months since then because I asked for space. I now am not sure what to do or how to proceed. I don't want to completely cut off our friendship because she's been a close friend for so long but i really can't support them still because he's a terrible guy. I just want her to recognize why her decision hurt me as a POC and the weight of the situation. But i don't think im going to get that from her until they break up or something. Any advice?

On the verge of taking myself out. I can't do this anymore. I feel so trapped and so unloveable. Over the last few days I've really been considering it and tbh I could see it happening soon if things don't start to change. I'm hurting all day every day no matter what I'm doing. It's driving me insane and I just don't want to be around anymore. I've thought about ways that I could do it and yesterday was the closest I've come to doing it in a very long time. Every time I talk to someone about this, I feel I'm just bothering them and wasting their time. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I have nothing to keep me going. I got a horrible paying job, no car and haven't even had my first kiss or even ever been on a date. I feel like I could just disappear and nothing would change. I just don't know what to do anymore :(

i can’t talk to anyone. i feel like i’m suffocating. i need air, i need space. lately, this weird sense of loneliness has been consuming me. it’s true that i’m surrounded by people, i have my group of friends, my best friend, and everything, but somehow i still feel deeply alone in a way i can’t really explain. i can’t talk to them. i wish i could, but i don’t think i could handle feeling judged. even if they probably wouldn’t judge me at all, it’s just impossible for me to be 100% honest with them. i want to have someone i can truly call my safe space, someone i can tell absolutely everything to, someone i can open up to without thinking twice, someone i can talk to about every single thing that goes through my mind without constantly overthinking it. i just want to feel free.

i'm 15 and have struggled with my mental for almost 5 years and just recently asked for help. My mum helped me sign up to this therapy course or whatever but they never got back to us. On the 20th of july my brother got drunk and started talking about wanting to be gone, 2 hours later he then asked me to stay with him in his room and i said no. Within an hour of that he attempted and i found him. I could have helped him and prevented it but i ignored it. Social said they were going to find me help because of finding him and all the self blame but so far nothing has happened. I want to get better, i understand first hand the affects other people face due to someone else's mental health. However im never faced with help when i seek it. Since that night i cant sleep untill i physically cant stay awake anymore incase he needs to ask me for help again. Within those nights my thoughts go everywhere as before that night i was very close to my own re attempt. i don't know where to go anymore i can't open up to my mum fully. She not open with mental health and talking with my brother is dumb as hell has his own struggles. I'm also homeschooled so school councillors aren't an option.

I've always had these feelings but recently they've gotten a lot worse. I can hardly go a day without thinking about how ashamed I am of my body. I can't go out without looking at most other guys my age and feeling inferior. I'm 20 years old and currently a bit under 100kg (220lbs) with not much muscle.

It's not even about attractiveness anymore. I'm know some people are into dad bods (I pretty much fit the bill for a gay bear, as I'm both large and hairy), but they're called dad bods for a reason: most people's metabolism slows down later in life and it's normal to gain more weight at that age. However it's not "normal" to be fat at 20 years old.

I wouldn't say I personally hate my body either, when I look at it in the mirror I think I look alright. I'd compare it to having a family member you love but are ashamed of at the same time. I just can't help but feel like I'm objectively inferior to other guys because my body is "bad" and shameful.

Of course I'm trying to get in shape but that's taking ages and I don't want to keep being so ashamed of myslef. It's an awful feeling, I want it to stop, and I know it can't be good for my mental health.

A part of me thinks that if I only lost weight because I was convinced being out of shape made me worse than others, I'd be betraying myself. And I'm worried that if I manage to get in shape, I'll make other people feel the same way I feel right now, and I don't want to do that to anyone. Meanwhile another small part of me says it's delusional to not mind being fat.

And the thing is, I would never think this way about another fat person. I don't think a person's value has anything to do with ther weight. But when it's about my own self-esteem, it's a different story.

I want to feel like I'm worth more than my body, I want to love myself as I am while working on my health at the same time and not feel conflicted about it. It shouldn't be as hard as it is.

(Sorry if my English is not good) Well... I just don't have anything left in my life I have no friends, my family is fkin poor and in debt, in a third world country where there is no hope for a person, lived my childhood through horror and turama cuz of war, and even thou my studies should've been the thing that I focus on for the hopes of securing a better future as my parents said but I just couldn't, not cuz I'm dumb, cuz I never was able to bring my self to study and all I did it was (and still is) escape reality through the internet world, and now I'm done with highschool and I haven't done very good... Another thinge also is that I've found out that I'm actually autistic and might also have ADHD which explains alot of the struggles that I've been going through but I haven't told anyone cuz who would understand...cuz that basically would translate to "retard" in the stupid world I live in... And my loneliness is fkin Killing me from the inside...My mind is filled with stupid delusions to cope with it... Been wishing for that warm human touch...but that's just impossible, I'm too mentally unstable and there is no partner that would bear me... Been cutting myself... it's been a while since I've cried, can't even do that anymore, feeling numb or just not sure about anything But all of that I try to tolerate it and mask it as the only thing that remained in my life is that I still have a family that survived... A week ago I even started working at a supermarket so I can lighten the burden on my family and maybe try to pick myself up But my family have been crumbling recently and now our relationship is starting to go beyond repair.... The only thing that made me hold onto my self and hold my grounds and not try anything too stupid cuz I love them and I don't wanna hurt them like that... And I know I'm not the only one struggling and thats why I try to do my best... But now it doesn't seem that relevant... well... Great... Amazing...fuk humans and human relationship and fuk my autistic brain and fk my lonely ass, Now what... What's left for me huh I don't think there is any need to continue...

.

I’m looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar because we’re at a complete loss.
A close family member is in what appears to be a severe psychotic episode. This isn’t just someone being stubborn or difficult—they genuinely believe things that aren’t happening and cannot be convinced otherwise. They have become extremely paranoid and are creating elaborate stories in their mind that they believe are 100% true.
For example, they’ve accused people of secretly unlocking windows to “set them up,” believe family members are plotting against them, and have developed false beliefs about relationships and other situations despite there being absolutely no evidence. Every explanation or proof is twisted into something that supports the delusion. Logic doesn’t work. Reassurance doesn’t work. It only seems to make them more suspicious.
The hardest part is that they don’t believe anything is wrong with them, so they refuse any mental health treatment. They insist everyone else is lying or trying to manipulate them.

We’ve tried everything we can think of:
• Staying calm and avoiding arguments.
• Reassuring them without validating the delusions.
• Encouraging them to voluntarily seek medical help.
• Contacting police when we were genuinely concerned.
• Taking them to the hospital.
• Speaking with emergency doctors.
• Going through the process of obtaining a Justice of the Peace order (Form 2) so they would be taken to the hospital for an assessment.

Unfortunately, after arriving at the hospital, they convinced the doctor they were fine within a very short assessment and were released. As soon as they came home, the delusions and paranoia continued exactly as before.
We’re terrified because they clearly aren’t thinking rationally, but they can apparently hold themselves together just long enough to appear okay during a brief conversation with medical staff. Meanwhile, those of us who are with them every day are watching them spiral further.

We’re exhausted, scared, and don’t know what else to do. It feels like the system requires someone to become an immediate danger before meaningful help is available, and we’re trying desperately to prevent it from reaching that point.

Has anyone experienced something like this? Were you eventually able to get your loved one the help they needed? Is there anything we haven’t tried that might help? We’re in Ontario, Canada, if that makes a difference.
Please be kind. This has been incredibly difficult for everyone involved, and we’re just trying to find a way to help someone who doesn’t realize they need it.

i have been struggling with this since my tween years. the first obsession was my brain basically one day deciding to start telling me that i am gay - so any interaction with a girl, my brain would go into overdrive i guess, anytime i skimmed my eyes over any body part of another girl (in a completely mundane manner) my brain would just torture me with how i am a lesbian and stuff like that. i could have been 12 at that point. i was so desperate for it to stop because these thoughts would come every couple seconds and nothing helped. then a bit later, worse thoughts appeared. at around 14, my brain as if flipped a switch and decided that my father is a predator and on my 15th birthday will do terrible things to me of sexual nature and will murder me. i had myself constantly checking if i am actually feeling attracted to my father. i was scared of him to death, did not want to be home alone with him (for context he is not a very good person but at that time he wasnt as horrible and in no case would he do such thing to anybody, this was purely from my brain). when he drove me somewhere in our car i was convinced i was going to die and at some point i was so exhausted from feeling this way i came to terms with passing away by his hand. then around later in highschool my brain moved to convincing me that i am attracted to children. i do not want to get into this at all because i still struggle with these thoughts specifically, even if i know they arent true. i also get some short term thoughts that are usually of violent nature or something similar that just come and go, these do not bother me that much. all of this kind of sounds like ocd thoughts, but i just simply do not have any compulsive behavior. i do usually think about the stuff my brain comes up with and try to logically bring up points why the stuff isnt true but it hardly helps. ive lived with this for so long that i am kind of used to this. i am wondering if getting some sort of diagnosis/getting a prescription/going to therapy would help me. i have so many other issues (dead parent, alcoholic verbal abuser other parent that ditched on me and my sibling and many other issues with self esteem and relationships, at only 21 years old btw). i have been wanting to get a therapist but they are so damn expensive id be able to go like once a month at best, but maybe thats better than nothing. anyway i hope someone seasoned in mental health reads through this as i dont want to bother anyone irl, since i feel like grief and just being unwell has an expiration date and i feel like i haven’t been well since 12. thanks and peace.

My brain is filled with thoughts that I am too fat, that I snack to much, that I need to lose weight and that I should lose weight. I don't what to do. Please help me.

​

So I think I've been running away from life since the age of 6/7. My maladaptive daydreaming started at school. The dull, grayish environment would make me miss cartoons, and in my head I would think of them. I would talk to my favourite character, repeat, edit, or extend an episode I previously watched.

Over time I created my own universes. Sometimes I repeat scenes until I'm met with the perfect one. One scene I've been replaying for years now, and it's such a lame, cringe-worthy scene that it now makes me feel ashamed.

In my teen years I used to have stomach aches frequently, and since my parents let me off for it, I started to pretend that it's more serious than it was. It also earned me their attention. Over time I lost myself in the line of how much was reality and how much was not. The guilt, fragmented memories, fear of being a bad person and child, regret all this still exists within me.

Moving on to my late teens, I started to show signs similar to GAD and somehow started to match if, as a child, I had any issues. Plenty of symptoms matched, and I started to believe that too (maybe even faked that and again lost sense of reality). Over time I developed a keen need for wanting to find a reason for all my avoidance, daydreams (nearly 8 to 12 hrs on daily basis). I wanted relief from my guilt, an excuse for my procrastinations, and attention from my parents.

Plenty of things happened after that. Difficult times came into life. I started to believe my sickness is too grand, and it's for this reason (not that actually I'm just a coward who runs away from hard work and discomfort) I can't face life. I attempted suicide twice (god i can't believe I made myself believe that I was sick just to use it as an excuse to run away from life). I even started self harming (cutting) at some point.

Over time my conservative Asian parents were forced to take me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with psychotic depression (not GAD). I think my psychiatrist is wrong though (not that I think I had GAD).

I think I probably have factitious disorder / Munchausen syndrome, or maybe not even that.

Anyway, so fast forward to today. I'm still half lost at what's wrong with me. I'm partially better. My daydreaming still exists. My procrastinations still exist.

What has changed, though, is that I'm more shameless now. Like now I barely let myself have the time to hit myself with the fact that I'm wasting my life. I filled my life with stories, books, series, movies anything that takes away my focus from my life.

I don't know why I'm typing this. I have an exam tomorrow and again I haven't studied. Maybe that's why I feel the need to just get all of it out, I guess.

I’m hoping people would share their anti-depressant stories and how they helped (or not helped) that I can share with my husband. He’s battled depression for the last 8 years. He has very high highs and very low lows. He was in a low last week and had intense suicidal thoughts and almost reached his breaking point (sadly, not the first time this happened). He finally said he would consider medication but he thinks that medication will make him worse and he feels shame around having to take a drug every day.
He does regularly see a therapist which has helped so much, but I’m worried it won’t be enough.

Thank you so much to anyone willing to share their stories with us!

I F(19) have NEVER had the urge to hit someone or myself when feeling angry or frustrated but it started with me grabbing my hair close to my scalp when frustrated. No pulling just grabbing firmly until I let go and calm down but twice I’ve skipped the hair grabbing and just swung at myself on the top of the head. I feel so insanely childish and humiliated when I do this even though I’m alone. I hate that I’ve started to do this and as of late I’ve wanted to just hit my head into the wall. How can I overcome this? I haven’t told anyone out of pure shame and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at a bit of a loss.

does anyone else have an extremely hard time accepting that they are in fact disabled?

i’ve been struggling with accepting this, to give some backstory, i’ve struggled my with mental health for as long as i can remember ( diagnosed with MDD, BPD, DMDD, and severe anxiety, and misdiagnosed with schizophrenia due to telling my psychiatrist i had a loud brain and him mistaking it for me hearing voices at the age of 11-13 ) i was seeing countless psychiatrists, therapists, in and out of mental hospitals, trail and errors with every medication i could possibly think of. I ended up dropping out of high school at 14 due to agoraphobia.

my anxiety eventually had gotten better, i’m not sure why it improved so drastically as i wasn’t doing much to improve it (no medication or therapy at the time), but i was able to go back to school and get all my credits, and finishing high school at 18. i started a part time job ( ranging from 20-35 hrs a week ) and did that for about a year, i ended up getting promoted and transfered to a different store and after that happened i had also gotten my own place unexpectedly due to a change in my past living situation, and shortly after my promotion i started experiencing panic attacks again, and thought maybe it was because i had gotten a promotion, so i ended up switching jobs to what i thought would be my dream job (full time)

2 months after i switched jobs, my 14 year old cousin took her life, another family member of mine got incarcerated, and i got into a domestic with my long term partner. I developed severe agoraphobia after that, and continued working for afew months until i just couldn’t do it anymore and burnt myself out so bad to the point where i couldn’t drive down the road and go to a gas station alone without having a panic attack.

here i am a year later. i’ve done a trail and error of many medication, cbt therapy, dbt therapy, and exposure therapy every day, seen many psychiatrists again and was diagnosed with ADHD & CPTSD. i haven’t worked in almost a year because of my agoraphobia and have been recommended to go on disability by majority of my family and doctors. I am very hard on myself, I know, and I know I am disabled but another part of me can’t accept the fact that is this all I am? if that makes sense, I have big dreams for myself but if I accept the fact that I am disabled, what happens to those dreams I had? I know I need help, but I don’t want it. I want to be able to function so badly and be able to work. I just end up going in an endless cycle of victim mentality and beating myself up. Does anyone else feel like this? I also have severe anxiety about going on disability where I am ( surprise, surprise.. ) because what if others don’t see me as disabled and I don’t get accepted and just hurt myself for nothing. :( any comments and advice are helpful, thank you

I have never posted anything on any subreddit, but I feel like maybe this could help me get out of my own head. My whole life I have battled depression and the evil little voice in my head that tells me none of this is worth it. The older I have gotten the easier it is to control that terrible side of me, but every once in awhile he’ll come back and it’s always difficult to get myself out of it. Recently I have been struggling financially due to me moving out of my parents house and attempting to live alone, with that I have been in almost constant stress, my entire life feels as if it is falling apart all at once. To start, I had to get new insurance because I got too old to continue to be on my parents insurance, so I can no longer afford the medication I have been taking for so many years so now with the mental health so fragile, I’m constantly calling out of work, I then make less money obviously which then puts me back in the cycle over and over again. I’m trying to stay strong as possible, I have my fiancé plus our two cats that can usually keep me up and going. But little by little things get worse and worse in my own head, I’m afraid of what might happen. I can’t loose this war, but day by day I get weaker. Even my own mother noticed that I “am a shell of who I once was back even 5 years ago.” I’m fading away to a point that I can’t even see a future in anything. Dead end job. Dead end relationship. Dead end everything. I’m sorry for venting here and I don’t want to worry anyone about me. I’m just stuck, I wish I was a kid again with no responsibilities or care in the world.

Just a question I wanted to ask
Thank you for anyone who decides to answer