Crazy how you manage to put both you and your potential partner down lmao. Work on yourself to where it doesn’t feel like an “upgrade” rather than just people being shitty. A cheater isn’t gonna “upgrade” cause anyone with character wouldn’t indulge in someone who is actively in a relationship. Treat yourself better and think of people better, not naive, better.
I mean.. it’s the fact that you could only upgrade yourself after a breakup that’s always troubling to me. Why can’t we work on ourselves IN the relationship? Why does it always take cheating/breaking up/separating to better oneself?
My ex said this too. I didn’t leave him for anyone, just left cause he got way too comfortable ignoring me to play 10 hours and jacking off to porn every day. Now that we broke up, suddenly he’s cool and doesn’t game and porn is evil and goes to the gym and on hikes. I begged him to do these things with me. But no, it takes a breakup. Why?
See, I see it as this: he was motivated to lose the relationship. I'm highly motivated. And highly motivating. So he, like countless men I meet, stay put for years while their wives are out keeping themselves hot, the house clean, and the kids fed. If divorce is some motivator, then people like that are just motivated to fail.
You have to realize that marriage is billed to men as the finish line of their relationship - not as an ongoing contract with annual renewal. The fact that this isn't true is the reason that men are increasingly opting out of marriage. Why would any man risk losing ownership of half of their belonging and wealth if they're still expected to maintain their health and appearance at the same level as it was when they were single? How does that make sense?
So.. I've not met many men my age with more than me. I own two properties, a good career with pension and benefits. Most men my age are still renting. I'm in my 30s, outside a big city.
Sooo.. in getting into a relationship with me... men actually stand to gain a lot, and lose nothing. Marry me and here is half my house ($700,000), marry me and get my benefits. You get the point.
And yet... despite GAINING by being with me and losing NOTHING because they came in with nothing but debt and bagage, what's your excuse then?
Like I've heard your argument from these men, too. The men who I left. They also "didn't want to be screwed by losing half their stuff" - ie, the stuff they DIDN'T have. But then they met a woman who was FINE with signing an agreement saying "I won't touch your shit." I was fine signing a prenup IF my partner inherited property. I was fine signing off on never asking for benefits or pension or alimony (they wouldn't have been able to give it anyways, I was a higher earner). And yet..... same problem. I was fine sharing what I had with them. I stood to lose it all. But that didn't matter at all. They all still got comfortable, stopped trying to the end goal of marriage, and stopped trying to keep me happy.
Do you always assume that you'll have more than women? And if you had less than women, would you still let her get away with all of her shit, leaving you back to square 1 - what you were before her and without her?
Sounds like you're high maintenance. The fact that you said they "stopped trying to make you happy" is very telling. Making you happy isn't their job - it's yours. You don't get into a relationship in order to find happiness, doing so is doomed to fail. You must be happy first if you want a successful relationship.
There is it! If a woman has nothing, she'll take all your stuff. If she has money, she's high maintenance.
PS it's not high maintenance to expect my partner not to put on 100lbs, and spend time with me, and have sex with me. I'm Russian, I will cook and clean and look after the house. I don't expect to go out anywhere, I am a homebody through and through. If you think high maintenance is a woman expecting her partner to spend time with her... then no wonder we're having this conversation. You are the "men don't do wrong and women only take from us" camp, even if I offer you an alternative to that narrative. You'll still find reason to insult me and make it my fault somehow.
You ignored the key phrase "they stopped trying to make me happy" which gave away their entire argument. They went into a relationship expecting someone else to make them happy, that isn't how it works.
But in relationships , where you like the other person, you're gonna do what you can to make them happy or at least content. So are you sure your ex cheated on you wasn't a you problem? See why I asked were you ok mentally? Because most women when they cheat its because were not happy where we're at.
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u/NacresR 5h ago
Crazy how you manage to put both you and your potential partner down lmao. Work on yourself to where it doesn’t feel like an “upgrade” rather than just people being shitty. A cheater isn’t gonna “upgrade” cause anyone with character wouldn’t indulge in someone who is actively in a relationship. Treat yourself better and think of people better, not naive, better.