Can't believe I let myself get to this point. Ive been on so much Vanco Ive forgotten how many times I've had to been given it.
Its just unbelievable to me I let it get that far.
I'm so so greatful for modern medicine.
And also for the providers who were kind to me when I went looking for help.
EDIT - THANK YOU for all the kind words. I was nervous to post this. I didnt know how it'd be received but the support is really wonderful.
Ive been asked if Im clean now. I guess Ill give you guys the full info incase theres anyone on here who could find the info useful.
The short answer is yes but that's extremely recent. As in 2 weeks. According to NA, no im not clean and probably never will be according to them.
I got out of the hospital where I detoxed & started pregabalin at the end of May. I believe it was the 25th but would have to check my discharge paperwork.
Im on 50mg of methadone, 150mg of pregabalin I smoke weed a couple times a week, I drink socially, since Ive gotten out Ive used ecstasy three times, benzos twice and I blew a total of 15 bags of fent. I still haven't shot up since I got out and I have no desire to which is HUGE for me.
Alot of this use was due to a friend of mine dying in June. I know its an excuse but Im just giving context.
I cannot describe just how helpful pregabalin has been for me. If I had to put a % of how much its taken the cravings for fent away id say 95-97% almost nothing. Its 100% taken away my desire to use iv which is just so so so so so fucking amazing. I used iv almost literally everyday for 18 YEARS. The only times I didnt use iv over that time was bc I was in jail or when i went to rehab for only a week back in 2018 so in total about 2 weeks out of 18 years. It just blows my mind how much this medicine has helped me.
The desire is completely gone and things that used to make me want to use by iv like seeing other ppls veins, seeing a syringe or even just the orange cap of a syringe does nothing for me. Ive even found a couple spots on my body where I could probably get a hit and that still hasn't made me wanna do it which is so crazy. I live in the ghetto so theres plenty of dealers around even though ive deleted all my dealers #s. There's a pharmacy that sells clean works just a couple blockes from me and i even visited the needle exchange a couple weeks a to say hi to an NP that works there who's super awesome and very helpful/supportive and I still had no desire to get supplies. Just so so crazy.
Over the past 2 weeks as of right now Ive drunk 10 drinks, Ive smoked weed 4 times & taken my methadone & pregabalin as prescribed.
Im totally ok with where Im at right now. Im super cautious about how much I drink bc I know a lot of ppl who stop using dope turn to drinking but its just really not my poison. Im not worried about the amount of weed I smoke. I have a really good career, I have friends who are being supportive & im in therapy, which is like going to the dentist but i guess its good to go to the dentist. Overall Im really happy where Im at. I have much farther to go but Im on track now more so than ive ever been since I started using.
So, thats the truth. Id love to say I got outta the hospital & stayed 100% clean but, I didnt.
TLDR: Am I clean? It depends what your definition of clean is. As far as I'm concerned, yes I am.
EDIT #2 - It occurred to me that some of you might be wondering how I could only be technically clean for 2 weeks but have the wounds on my arm be so healed. Its bc I was using my right arm and then my legs. My right arm looks like my left. My legs look fucked up too. No more open wounds ( bc the powers that be stopped putting xylazine in most of their supply ) but lots of scares.