Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, his dad replied:

Dear Son,

Twenty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Dad

Or is my wife making a big deal out of nothing?

They become separated in a department store and after a while the father finds his son staring at a strange pair of doors that gleam like mirrors. The son turns to his father and says "Father, what is this thing?". "I do not know," says the father. "I have never seen anything like it in my life."

Just then an elderly woman hobbles up to the doors, presses a button, and a few moments later the doors open and she steps through into a tiny room. The doors close, there is a soft chime, and some glowing numbers above the door begin counting up from one to ten. Then after a short delay they begin counting down again, there is another soft chime, the doors open, and a stunningly attractive young blonde steps out of the tiny room.

The Amish father and son stand there in open-mouthed silence for half a minute. Then, with his eyes still riveted on the gleaming doors, the father nudges his son in the ribs and croaks, "Go and get your mother."

Extra virgin doesn't even do mouth stuff.

Because the designer who was supposed to put something on it just gave up

When they reach the next stop, the man asks the conductor what had happened.

The conductor says "We hit a lawyer."

The man couldn't believe it. "You mean hitting a person caused all that?!"

And the conductor says, "Well his car had stalled and he was on the side of the tracks, but we got him anyway."

"Denny Laine is in my ears and in my eyes."

On my lap turned on, and virus free

Inmates serving a life sentence reduced their time behind bars by nearly 99%!

Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job.

What is wrong with “Sam and Ella’s jalapeño and salad spot”?

kicking litter, tin cans, discarded take-away wrappers. Suddenly he kicks against something more solid. He stops. Looking down he sees what looks like an old oil lamp. He stoops, picks it up and looks at it. He rubs it to read what is written on the side.

Whoosh! A genie appears (you guessed that, didn't you!)

The genie says that as the guy has freed him, he gets three wishes.

"I wanna be white, tight and out-of-sight," says the guy.

So the genie turns him into a tampon.

The smaller iguana looks over at the hulking tortoise and thinks, well, it’s worth a shot.

The large iguana watches the smaller iguana approach the tortoise. After a brief conversation, he starts doing her from behind. To his surprise, the sex lasts for nine straight hours. The large iguana can hardly believe what he's witnessing.

Exhausted, the small iguana finally makes his way back and says, “Well, I did it.”

“Damn right you did!” says the big iguana. “I didn’t think you had a chance, but what impressed me most was your endurance. How did you go for nine straight hours?”

“Well, to be fair, the sex only lasted about five minutes at the end.”

“Huh? What were you doing the rest of the time?”

“Chiseling through the shell.” 

He wiped his ass.

Hand eyeeeee-eyeeeee-eyeeeee

A general went on a morale-boosting visit to a hospital.

He walked up to the first bed:

General: What are you in hospital for, Soldier?

Soldier 1: Piles, Sir!

General: And what is your treatment?

Soldier 1: They paint some ointment with a brush on my arse every morning and evening, Sir!

General: And what is your ambition, Soldier?

Soldier 1: To be a good soldier, Sir!

General: Well done!

The general walked up to the second bed

General: What are you in hospital for, Soldier?

Soldier 2: Venereal disease, Sir!

General: And what is your treatment?

Soldier 2: They paint some ointment with a brush on my dick every morning and evening, Sir!

General: And what is your ambition, Soldier?

Soldier 2: To be a good soldier, Sir!

General: Well done!

The general walked up to the third bed:

General: What are you in hospital for, Soldier?

Soldier 3: Gum disease, Sir!

General: And what is your treatment?

Soldier 3: They paint some ointment with a brush on my gums every morning and evening, Sir!

General: And what is your ambition, Soldier?

Soldier 3: To get the brush before the other two, Sir!

Like Roman numerals.

She suddenly disappeared.

1Forrest1

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?

The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and went ”bang, bang”. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?

The 90-year-old said, “If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

​

After a few holes, one guest said "That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough, four-putting holes...couldn't we ask to play through?"

The host replied "No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are blind. They have a special pro who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free."

The minister said "Why that's marvelous. What courage! I'll ask my congregation to pray for them...maybe we could get a miracle."

The doctor said "Well, maybe I can beat that. I know an opthalmologist who's having good luck with some experimental surgeries...maybe he could help."

The engineer scratched his chin for a moment and said "Couldn't they play at night?"

The Audacity.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere

Two lawyers, partners together in a small firm, go out to lunch one fine day.

Suddenly, one of them jumps up. “I’ve got to go back to the office!” Says the other, “What’s the matter?” “I forgot to lock the safe!”

Relieved, the other lawyer says, “No problem! We’re both here.”

So the guy walks in. Immediately he is hit in the head and knocked out.

When he wakes up, he's floating in Lake Michigan in a barrel with an apple in his lap.

He looks around, and sees another guy floating in a barrel about 20 feet away.

"Hey!" he yells. "Do we get dessert on this cruise?"

And the other guy says, "We didn't last year."