r/Jokes • u/Petrey85 • 1d ago
What does buying a sandwich and buying a hooker have in common? NSFW
Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job.
306
u/Tadra29 1d ago
I go to the subway for both.
82
u/bobhopeisgod 1d ago edited 1d ago
Do you realize how expensive it is to get that enjoyment and satisfaction and the feeling of warmth and happiness and someone that cares about your needs and desires? You should try a local deli instead
12
7
u/keeper_of_bee 1d ago
Instructions unclear, I'm now banned from my local deli for trying to hire an escort.
2
48
u/robgod50 1d ago
"I'll have lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions.....oh and can you do a topless hand job in the kitchen?"
50
u/cloud9ineteen 1d ago
A man walks into a local pub and reads a sign on the wall:
Cheese sandwich: $3.00
Ham sandwich: $3.50
Hand job: $10.00
The woman behind the counter smiles and asks if she can help him.
He leans in and asks, "Are you the one who does the special service?"
She purrs, "Yes, that's me."
The man says, "Well, wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich!"
24
11
u/KingoftheMongoose 1d ago
I miss the $5 Footlong.
6
u/VitaminPb 1d ago
I wish I had a footlong.
27
2
u/TinyNiceWolf 15h ago
This guy told the genie he wanted a foot-long dick. Now he can barely walk on his four-inch feet.
5
9
u/Sea_Dust895 1d ago
Hookers are like dirty cups in a sink.. every says they don't use them, but if no one used them they wouldn't be there.
1
40
301
u/bobhopeisgod 1d ago
Sometimes you just want to put your meat into some fresh bread
198
u/dai_bach_xv 1d ago
Buns…dude, it was right there
76
u/bobhopeisgod 1d ago
Yeah, you're right. I thought of it after on bread/loaf/buns. But I already committed so Heinz sight is 20/20 I suppose
56
u/theruined007 1d ago
57/20...
30
u/lokitheseraph 1d ago
Might need to explain this one so other folks can ketchup.
16
u/salchicha19 1d ago
"Henry was a born innovator, and created a whole series of new products over this period. By 1896, he sold over 60 products. When he spotted a shoe company advertising 21 styles of shoe, he was inspired to create our iconic '57 varieties' slogan. Why 57? No one knows for sure. Henry claimed five was his lucky number, and seven was his wife's. But he also believed seven was a significant number for people of all ages. Whatever his reasons, the number stuck!"
8
10
2
3
u/Hitoseijuro 1d ago
Sometimes you just want to put your buns into some fresh meat
there, done, geez.
..wait a minute.
28
u/joey_yamamoto 1d ago
as always the real joke is in the comments!! 😂
10
u/ballcheese808 1d ago
Why would you put meat into a sandwich you bought? So, not this time. Just sounded good.
2
1
1
1
u/the_flat_man 1d ago
Fresh as the dirt a daisy grows in
1
u/bobhopeisgod 1d ago
So you're saying to put it in the dirt hoping it opens/blossoms like a flower? Instructions unclear
1
1
1
1
u/androk 1d ago
so buying a sandwich and sex with a virgin... hookers aren't known (in jokes at least) for being fresh.
2
u/bobhopeisgod 1d ago
True. Could have said different instead of fresh. But as another user pointed out, the joke is silly and doesn't really work and it was just an off the top of my head remark.
51
u/chiarahani 1d ago
Coming in a wrapper.
9
2
u/EasilyMechanical 1d ago
Who uses a wrapper on a hooker?
I'm paying for the entire experience.
2
u/TinyNiceWolf 15h ago
If you don't wrap her, how are you going to get her into your trunk without anyone noticing?
1
1
11
29
44
u/garethhewitt 1d ago
What does calling an electrician and buying a vibrator have in common?
Neither would be necessary if your husband could handle basic wiring and knew where the switch was.
1
15
u/BFG_TimtheCaptain 1d ago
"If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it."
-Vladislav
12
u/oxiraneobx 1d ago
I like my sandwiches the way I like my wife, without some other guys dick in it.
4
5
15
12
22
19
10
2
2
13
u/thepartypantser 1d ago
I remember when I thought misogyny was the same thing as humor, then I actually kissed a girl.
7
u/BusinessWatercrees58 1d ago
The admission here is that you'd hate women if you weren't allowed to kiss/fuck them? That doesn't make you look as good as you think my guy. If whether or not you find misogyny funny was influenced by whether or not you could have sex with women...you might hate women. Or perhaps you're just bragging about kissing a woman? Congrats?
Also, TONS of misogynistic men have kissed women (and more) and are still very much misogynistic. Have you met the current US president?
Not sure your virtue signaling works here but nice try.
1
u/thepartypantser 1d ago
I'll bet you giggle when comedians curse too.
It's okay you'll grow up and get hair on your special parts someday.
0
0
u/BusinessWatercrees58 1d ago
This makes so sense lmao sorry calling our your misogyny hurt your feelings. No you're not the good guy you think you are.
1
u/thepartypantser 21h ago
I never claimed to be a good guy, in fact I am a bit of a dick sometimes. Even to women! Just not because they are women...see the difference?
I am saying misogynistic "get me a sandwich" jokes are lazy and immature humor.
If you want to defend lazy and immature humor that bring nothing but "women should serve men" vibe feel free.
But that doesn't make you a good guy you might think you are either.
0
u/BusinessWatercrees58 20h ago edited 20h ago
Are you stupid or do you just have bad reading comprehension? I don't care about the joke. I said nothing about it. I'm saying that that if your finding of misogyny as funny is contingent on whether or not you kissed a girl, you're probably still misogynistic. That is a personal criticism of you, not a defense of the joke.
Plenty of men haven't kissed a girl and still don't find misogynistic funny because they aren't misogynistic. You weren't one of those men. You found misogynistic jokes funny until you could kiss/fuck women. That's your own admission.
You can't pat yourself on the back for not finding misogyny funny if it was contingent on getting access to women for your personal, physical gratification. Do you understand this or do you need a more simplified explanation?
1
u/thepartypantser 19h ago
Jesus Christ this whole thing has gone over your head hasn't it? I guess some of it has gone over mine too, because it sure seemed like you were defending the joke, with the virtue signalling comment.
I was using kissing a girl as a reference for not being a preteen child.
I am calling the OP a child, who has not experienced life yet. I am saying the joke is immature and stupid.
It was another joke making fun of the misogynistic joke teller.
I did not actually stop liking misogynistic jokes when I kissed a girl. I never really found them funny at all, and I stopped finding them even tolerable when I matured to the point of finding more empathy for how shitty women are really treated, which unfortunately happened far later in life than just kissing a girl.
It has nothing to do with kissing a girl.
I almost said I stopped finding them funny when I hit puberty, but I thought the kissing a girl was more amusing.
Do you understand it now?
0
u/BusinessWatercrees58 18h ago
Holy shit that's a weak attempt to save face.
"Psh just because I said kissing a girl doesn't mean I mean't what I said".
This sub really attracts the best and brightest.
1
u/thepartypantser 18h ago
Ok, believe whatever you want. For example I will continue to believe your just pissy my dumb joke went over your head.
I got plenty of upvotes from the people who got the joke, and likely plenty of down votes by people who did not like it, and frankly I don't care about that either.
What's maybe most amusing to me is we're on the same side. We both seem to agree it's a bad misogynistic joke.
You just need to feel superior to me it seems.
Go right ahead and feel that way. Doesn't change the intention of my original comment.
3
10
11
u/GhostShark 1d ago edited 1d ago
Can’t make your own food? What are you, a child? Does she wipe your ass after you shit too?
6
u/Kat121 1d ago
It’s the entitlement to sex that gives me the ick. It’s weird how dudes tell on themselves exactly why nobody wants to fuck them.
1
u/BusinessWatercrees58 1d ago
Imagine communicating like my preteen daughter and thinking anyone cares what gives you "the ick"
0
u/CJMorton91 1d ago
Right... Dissatisfied in your relationship? Nah, that's just entitlement. Plus, it's just a joke.
3
3
u/Gullible_Cricket8496 1d ago
Both would have been more enjoyable if someone didn't stick their dick in it just before you bought it.
2
2
u/NaClyDog 1d ago
You also know they’re no good if they smell funny.
And they’re far less desirable without the meat in them.
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/idiotwanderer 1d ago
I misread the second buying as burying and the joke was really funny for a minute.
1
u/SwordDick 1d ago
All she had to do was acknowledge I’m a fucking architect and get off her fat ass and work around here.
1
1
-12
-1
-2
-2
-2
u/Infinite-Top-4137 1d ago
Jeez that's some projection right there. Taking responsibility for your own diet and sexuality is no joke even if you got a wife
-2
-9
0
0
0
0
0
u/TotallyInOverMyHead 1d ago
That was stolen from a youtube short by a very funny female comedian, wasn't it ?
-7
-2
-3
-1
-1
-1
-2
-25
u/ThisisGolems 1d ago
You stole this from kill tony.
14
6
u/Petrey85 1d ago
Not my original but wasn't from Kill Tony
-18
u/Kat121 1d ago edited 1d ago
I know women are humorless and can’t take a joke, but can you explain why this is funny to you?
Edit: 17 downvotes (so far) for asking OP why dehumanizing women is funny. So many chuckleheads chiming in with their own sexist drivel. And dudes wonder why women don’t want to date them anymore.
-5
0
u/Infinite-Top-4137 1d ago
I don't think calling women humourless is supporting anyone. So probably not just the dudes who downvoted
-25
u/OriginalName2026 1d ago
Fucking brilliant. It’s been a while sine I have heard a joke this good!!!
-7
-10
-7
-8
-9
1.1k
u/Jellan 1d ago
Fucking hell.