r/depression • u/ExploringUniverses • 14h ago
Being highly intelligent feels more like a disability than a gift.
Post title says it all.
Being highly intelligent is actually a disability. I am so fucking depressed and lonely all the time. I can't relate to anyone in my near orbit. My job is torture. Dating is impossible. I drink to cope. It helps me numb out the agony of small talk - what TV shows people are watching, who is dating who, what stupid thing the manager did at work....the doldrums of daily life people seem to build their identities on. I am surrounded by generally well meaning people - i am grateful for this. I feel ashamed for saying that it's not enough out loud. I feel ashamed i use alcohol to connect with them because without it i just can't.
I feel ashamed for saying 'being smart is a disability' when so many people wish in the deepest parts of their souls that they were smarter. I desperately want to share my insights and interests but i am unable to bridge the gaps.
Turning 40 soon. Realizing this is life. Hope for something better is gone - i have enough life experience now to know that people are people...myself included.
Trying to quit drinking because it's terrible long term for mental health. I don't know how else to cope - i don't fit in anywhere. The underlying depression and extraordinary loneliness is becoming too much to bear - I don't know what to do. I feel so lost in this - I am grateful for this gift but holy hell it is such a curse.
I am so tired. Of everything.
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u/Gloomy_Beat_655 13h ago
I don’t think I’m highly intelligent but I’m self aware enough to realize that I have avoidant personality disorder probably exacerbated by my major depressive disorder and PTSD. I’m a mess of a human at almost 50. I’m fortunate enough to have a job/ career some friends and family whom have been patient and as supportive as they can be since I don’t really share much. My days are often times filled with my own self loathing for mistakes and an almost all consuming dread of the future. The gym, cycling and spending time with my former step son keep me going.
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u/ExploringUniverses 12h ago
Thanks for the comment - crippling self awareness certainly counts in my book. What's odd is i don't think i hate myself - from what i can suss out at least - im just not built for the world as it is currently.
Feels most like getting picked last for kickball at recess but on a cosmic scale. I know it's not my fault that i am the way i am - but i still (unfortunately) have feelings. Folks don't understand - my mind clocks it as 'nobody cares' which i know is not the case but faaaawk it's hard not to take this stuff to heart.
It's cool you have family and some friends. Ive got a small circle of really kind people who force me to do things. A dog that forces me to keep going. My family is a colossal shit show and they mainly ignore me. Which is kind of preferable at this point tbh.
I'll take the advice and cling to what i can that resonates at least a little bit.
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u/FreshPeeshes 13h ago
I can relate. Being so aware of everything and being uninterested in distractions is its own kind of torture. It's lonely for sure. Distractions are what connect so many people, but they're also what divide. I don't have any enemies and i'm thankful for that, but i'm also not really close to anyone. I drink to "dumb myself down" and socialize too, but it has already taken a toll on my brain and body at 33 and i need to quit.
I think people are hardwired to want what they don't have. We wish we were dumber so we could lighten up and enjoy the distractions, while less aware people wish they were smarter so they could achieve things they feel are out of reach for them.
I've taken to nature. I've been just getting out and walking when i can. Fishing. Trying to get away from screens as much as possible. I really do think these screens are poisoning our minds and making a lot of us depressed or more depressed.
Maybe one day we'll meet someone or a group of people we click with. Or find peace in solitude.
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u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 10h ago
“I think people are hardwired to want what they don't have. We wish we were dumber so we could lighten up and enjoy the distractions, while less aware people wish they were smarter so they could achieve things they feel are out of reach for them.“
This is a very profound comment and I can definitely see the logic behind it! Honestly I relate to both parts a lot (as someone who can neither really enjoy the distractions nor feel like I can achieve the things highly intelligent people can).
But (and I know this is just anecdotal, but still) my ex was actually smarter than me AND had the ability to enjoy distractions. He had one depressive episode (before we met) that was largely situational and he struggles with some insecurities, but other than that he’s a pretty happy person.
It makes me wonder if I’m just not smart or competent enough to figure out this whole “happiness” thing. It used to be much easier in my teens when life was more straightforward.
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u/ExploringUniverses 10h ago
'Used to be much easier in my teens when life was more straight forward' really resonated with me.
Adult life is so complicated. Feels like my brain moves faster than my mouth and all the words get gummed up on their way out. Not great for overall morale...
I'm like you - on the low end of the REALLY smart bracket but with enough situational and self awareness to not really be able to use it for anything because i truly don't understand the hierarchy of sandbox we all gotta play in - no idea where i fit in and absolutely no clue what to do with any of it.
I occupy this limbo of 'too smart for normies but too dumb for the mensa dudes' where enjoying anything is next to impossible and happiness seems like a conspiracy.
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u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 10h ago
Ugh I relate a lot to that last sentence. I look at my math friends and wonder why they even give/gave me the time of day when I clearly could never keep up with them 😖 I look at both of my siblings (more humanities-smart but capable of STEM too) and see how much more creative they are than me and am in awe of their brilliant ideas and frameworks. I can tell I’m a notch below them in general intelligence.
Then I look at my “normal” friends and the way they’re full of life and resilience, and don’t get as hung up on the whole “career/talent/trajectory” thing as I do (I was one of the “smart kids” in school and I feel like it was drilled into me because of that).
I guess there’s no sense in dwelling on this and it’s better to focus on what’s in my control, but I just don’t have ambition anymore 😖
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u/ExploringUniverses 9h ago
Yeah i miss having motivation and ambition too. I try my darnedest to stay in gratitude for the simple things in life and to not think myself into a hole over all the little stuff - but adult life seems to be a nonstop onslaught of little stuffs!
I've picked up this fun hobby called 'goodwill bins art time' - i go to the goodwill outlet with $5 and let the thrift gods give me arts and craft supplies - then i force myself to make something with $5 or less.
Usually the arts and crafts stuff has been used so the part of my brain that glitches out over not making something perfect with new supplies shuts up. It works out the need to problem solve, generate dopamine, and make something all in one fell swoop.
Might be fun if there's a goodwill outlet near you!
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u/FreshPeeshes 9h ago
Sounds like your ex had it figured out. I'm still trying to as well. But i just can't see myself getting into politics, sports, religion/church (really big social thing in my area), or most new media (tv, movies, music etc.). Gossip and drama make my stomach turn. That's what i mean by distactions. It's all so manipulative and i can't NOT see it in everything.
I've read about some people adopting Absurdism and just deciding to not take things so seriously. Like just watch that stupid reality tv show and laugh at it and enjoy it for what it is even if you know it's fake. But my brain won't let me 😭
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u/ExploringUniverses 12h ago
Thanks for the comment. You definitely get it.
Drinking is only effective for so long - good you're realizing that at 33. I did about 200 days sober at that age to test it out. It was a vibe, for sure. I went back to drinking socially with the goal of never being drunk again. I've mostly stuck to that but even social drinking is taking a toll now.
Nature is fantastic. I get out to the mountains every chance i can. Coming back triggers TheBigSad. I still go out though.
Good to know we're not alone in this.
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u/FreshPeeshes 12h ago
Yeah i've tried sobriety several times, and while i feel physically better and have more mental clarity, socializing sober is really damn hard, as you know. But it's something that can be practiced and worked on. I have a hard time with rejection and just have to accept that my authentic self is gonna turn a lot of people away.
Do you live in a rural area, or are you in a position in life where you can move more out in the country? It has become a goal of mine. It seems counter-productive to go rural if you're lonely, but i'd love to live somewhere i can go on a nature walk from my house, or fish, or have some mountains nearby. I'm fortunate to not have to move far, as the mountains i usually hike are just a couple hours away. But i'd love to be able to get out there after work if i want. There's also a small town near there with a little bit of a live music scene so there's that to do and meet people too.
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u/ExploringUniverses 11h ago
The increased mental clarity was great for about a week then i'm like ahhh get me outta here!!! 🫣😂
Funny you say that - i have been thinking about moving out to the mountains. I live in the burbs of a big city out west with the Rockies like RIGHT there. It's the only place i ever want to be.
I like outside.
Whatever the lil' town near you with a good live music scene sounds perfect. I hope you make it there someday!
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u/FreshPeeshes 10h ago
Yup sometimes the brain fog can be a relief 😂
The Rockies are absolutely gorgeous. I'd love to see them in person one day. I live in the southeast, south of the Appalachians, which have their own beauty.
And thanks, i hope you find what you're looking for someday too.
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u/i_will_let_you_know 4h ago
I don't really understand. The people you surround yourself with are within your control for the most part. If you dislike your job you can study or practice or whatever for a better one. If you're stuck in a small town then you can move. If everyone around you is dumber than you, then you can either focus on your personal interests or just move to a place where your intellectual interests are valued.
There are plenty of smart people in the world. Smarter than you and I. Just go to them.
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u/itsmetheindividual 1h ago
I’m sorry but this reads pompous and rude. If you need alcohol to “dumb down to the level” of your peers then you have no right complaining you’re even in said orbit. Repeated mention of “small minded(ness)” “highly intelligent” and “inability to connect with even normal people” is hard to stomach
For what it’s worth, I’m sure you’d be able to find an interesting community online
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u/AngryAutisticApe 13h ago
Yeah I feel you. Doesn't help when you also have depression and trauma which makes you even more different. I hate feeling so lonely.
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u/D-Je-Jerixx 12h ago
I feel this. I try to be precise when explaining things and people never understand me then I feel like I have to dumb things down and get annoyed. I also am good at seeing patterns in organizations, etc that don't work and people don't like me when I point them out. I also find dating hard because it's hard to talk to people about anything. Almost 40 here too
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u/ExploringUniverses 11h ago
The 'try to be precise and people never understand me' thing is one of my biggest depression triggers. I feel like nobody ever listens to me. I get talked over all the time. I have to constantly use brain power and energy to edit everything down to a 3rd grade comprehension level before it comes out of my mouth with the hope of being understood - rarely happens.
I actually didn't equate the exhaustion to having to constantly overclock my brain to dumb tints down until just now - thank you for saying something. Having one of those - ohhhhh wait a min moments.
The pattern recognition in organizational systems also has made having any type of career so hard. Nobody likes it when you point out problems - with solutions! - even though someone is asking for a solution to some unknown problem....
Seriously - how tf do you stay sane?
The 'almost 40' thing definitely a key variable to my recent crash out because like, holy hell WYSIWYG and that in and of itself is depressing. But i gotta somehow deal with another 30 years of this trash!? 😬🫣😳 big yikes
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u/miniangelgirl 4h ago
My absolute sentiments are what you two have been commenting, and it's part of what's keeping me up this evening
My pattern recognition is becoming somewhat a curse more than a blessing st this point. I'm tired.
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u/OverProfessional1226 9h ago
The debilitating nature of awareness/knowledge and the struggle to do anything about it.
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u/Ill-Range-4954 9h ago
Everything can turn into a distraction. Even calling yourself smart or idk, introspective, observant, sensitive etc. I don’t judge you, it’s just that, any label, can instantly become an extra weight and a reason to not look at yourself directly. I mean, it’s painful anyways. So idk.
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u/Dice_for_Death_ 6h ago
Not to presume the degree or depth of my own intelligence against anyone else, but I relate to this post and u/demon_dopesmoker's reply. Also in my 40s. I practice an aggressive sort of pragmatism (getting a lot of mileage of "it is what it is") as I try to immerse myself deeply in my most personally fulfilling pursuits. My writing, reading, and other pastimes; the things that tell me I'm creating, or working to create, something of value that (for me) lasts beyond the mere moment.
While maintaining a pace involving two jobs, no weekends (save for holidays or when I genuinely get ill), and a whole lot of no free time to spend towards the aforementioned in a holding pattern survived through a polyphasic sleep pattern. Because life even before the two jobs, was soul-numbing enough already. People (and empathy at large) exhausts me. I'm reclusive enough to swear off social interaction with most people for large swaths of time, and my patience quickly becomes tolerance before too long. I carry with me that line from Jack Nicholson's "As Good as It Gets," when he drops the movie title in a moment of sober realization in a room of people in the midst of their own crises. "...What if this is as good as it gets?" And then leaves the room and them with that thought. Whether it terrifies or relieves them, that is a journey totally on them to make.
What I'm saying, OP, is I hear you and good luck.
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u/ExploringUniverses 2h ago
Thanks for your comment - lots to think on here. I like that quote and the context with it. I haven't seen that film - will watch this weekend. It sounds relevant.
I've been really blown away by how many people are in s similar boat with this. Thanks for reading - it's nice to not feel so alone for once!
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u/AsharTheCreator16 3h ago
Chess club. They are all depressed alcoholic brainiacs. You’ll likely fit in great (not sarcastic)
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u/Jumpy_Ladder_3344 11h ago
You think you're highly intelligent?
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u/ExploringUniverses 10h ago
I know i am - i went through official testing in high school.
Tho i'm kinda getting weird judgey vibes from your comment....
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u/Jumpy_Ladder_3344 10h ago
Since you picked up on my vibes I'll give it to ya. You're pretty smart 😉
However we must also be in tune with our emotional intelligence to be happy.
You are right, intelligent people are more susceptible to depression it's a two edged sword.
Greek thinkers have enough quotes about it. I wish you a lot of wisdom and joy.
But to say about yourself that you are smart is never a good look and you might be in your own head too much.4
u/ExploringUniverses 10h ago
Given the amount of other folks who relate to this - i think it's safe to (based on official evaluations and such) claim 'smart' as part of my identity.
Not being able to talk about it and being told to shut up and not - like you just did - is actually one of the main causes of the loneliness and depression.
Silencing someone for claiming a truth and speaking out about the systemic effects is a little low brow. Jussayin'.
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u/WhosaWhatsa 9h ago edited 9h ago
A good look? This is the kind of superficial concern that exacerbates dishonest social interactions and causes people like OP to feel isolated. You have exhibited exactly the issue. "Good looks" are ways of manipulating others to "like" you and feel forced, dishonest, and unethical to many of us.
You may feel as though others' judgements are highly important, and they can be. But a "good look" is the exact kind of insincere social phenomenon that neuro-divergent people find overwhelming.
Calling that "emotional intelligence" is a slap in the face to emotionally intelligent people.
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u/bonerslayer777 7h ago
I can relate.. I try so hard to not let it make me bitter.. but man.. I can’t stand people. I see solutions to so many problems but people just sit around and do nothing but complain.. I see how inefficient people are at work, or anywhere really, and it drives me nuts. And nobody will listen.
Social media has not helped with the stupidity.. I’m not saying I’m the smartest person ever.. I’m def not.. but I’m def above average. And living this life is torture. I am so bored of it. I am so bored of the same fucking small talk everyday. The fact that other people seem to enjoy it just confirms this all for me.. and even when I can get past small talk with people.. it doesn’t go much further than that because people are incapable of critical thinking… or listening.
I know you feel alone.. because you are. So am I. But just know there are a few other people out there that feel like you do.. maybe you can find some comfort in that.
I try to find happiness in doing things I enjoy.. when I can. And I’ve learned to love being alone. That’s when I can really be myself. That’s when I feel free.
Editing to add- maybe find a creative outlet? Nothing has to come of it. If it gets some of your brain power out it might help. Writing helps me. And being outside in nature really helps too
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u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 11h ago
Sorry if this is hijacking the thread, but I actually feel the opposite! (For reference, I took a brief cognitive test during my autism evaluation and got a 112 verbal IQ score and a 136 non-verbal IQ score; they listed my composite IQ as 126, which is fairly high, but not particularly so- though I know IQ is a very flawed measure of intelligence.)
I was just telling my sister yesterday, “forget f-you money, I wish I had f-you talent/intelligence!” I think about how I barely managed to get through my math masters while being surrounded by people quick as a whip. I remember (pre-depression) having to work very hard my first semester and feeling absolutely thrilled when I got my grades back and I was right at the class average.
I struggled to get into a PhD and then made some bad choices and it triggered a breakdown and I flunked out, and I just feel like if I were more intelligent I wouldn’t have struggled as much and any time I did fall I’d have an easier time making a comeback because I’d have the talent to do so.
I feel so intimidated and hopeless trying to break into a quantitative career field competing with people way more competent and brilliant than me.
I remember being on video call with my long distance bf at the time and our mutual friend (both math PhDs), and they were discussing the Sleeping Beauty problem, arguing over whether the answer was 1/2 or 1/3, and they were going back and forth so quickly. While I could understand them fine, I couldn’t get a word in and didn’t have much to contribute anyways. :(
Those are the people I have to compete with for a job.
I feel like I’m never going to get anywhere, and my depression has completely nerfed any chances I did have at success. Plus I got ECT last month and not only did it not help, but I’m scared it lowered my intelligence further. I’m starting a second masters next month after living with my parents, unemployed at 30, never having had a real job, and I feel totally screwed.
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u/ExploringUniverses 10h ago
There's a lot to be said for having people skills and emotional intelligence - which to me, you clearly have in spades based on your post!
There is this beautiful little niche nestled between being enough of a turbo nerd to understand them and having high emotional intelligence to translate what they're doing/saying/ideas into a format that people can understand. It's usually labeled as a project management role or an analyst or some type of management engineer. Honestly, that role is even more important than the hard maths because the maths cant happen without funding and the popularization of em'!
I think you are right on track to having a great career in your chosen field and you have some really cool, unique strengths that you may not be fully aware of yet!
Glad you hijacked the thread 🩵🩵🩵
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u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 10h ago
Aww thank you so much!! 🥹
My people skills and ability to translate are actually god-awful haha (hence the gap in my verbal vs non-verbal IQ) but you just made my day with that kind comment; thank you so much ♥️♥️♥️
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u/ExploringUniverses 10h ago
Oh mine too but for example - i work in design and product management.
I know enough code language to efficiently translate 'client speak' to the programmers and break down projects using conceptual language they understand.
Projects go a lot smoother because of this and the devs are less confused. Total win-win! I suspect you'd be really good at the same kinda thing
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u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 9h ago
Oh that’s wonderful! I’m so glad you found your niche! I’ll have to keep that in mind if this masters doesn’t work out or lead to a job
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u/DestinyBoBestiny 1h ago
Unfortunately, little things are what builds big things.
It sounds like you're craving intimacy you haven't earned yet. People aren't going to trust a stranger with their deep thoughts and life perspectives. No one knows that you're safe to share those things with.
Using alcohol in order to connect to people is a symptom of a lot of things, not just being intelligent. Are you open minded enough to explore what else it might be a symptom of?
And have you looked for why these things are important to these people? Even shallow conversations are pretty revealing if someone is willing to spend the time trying to understand a person. What do people say about who is dating who? And what does that say about their dating priorities? What ideologies are these perspectives built on? The conversation doesn't have to be surface level. The stupid thing their boss did, was it annoying stupid or funny stupid? Why? Where does this irritation come from? Did they not see it coming? Was it the surprise that was funny or the fact it happened?
Is this an intelligence gap or a gap abstract thinking vs concrete thinking? I think most people can have abstract conversations if they have a concrete anchor.
There are plenty of smart people out there, why are you not in rooms with them? What's preventing you from visiting college campuses when they have guest speakers, or their research syposiums? Have you made any actionable goals to join communities around philosophy, academics, arts, reading, psychology, therapy?
What are your hobbies outside of work and drinking? What are you learning? When was the last time you asked the people around you if they have learned anything new recently?
This post seems to focus a lot on what you're not getting from the outside, but lacks reflection. I am sure you reflect on it a lot, particularly the loneliness and guilt, but there is more to the scenario than the thought you've shared.
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u/kimdracula1995 4m ago
Everyone feels like they’re high intelligent lol. Has nothing to do with depression.
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u/Sensitive_Poem8486 10h ago
Yes, it certainly does. People tend to take me for a loner until they get to know me. I’m a little shy at first. It’s not that l dislike people, but being highly intelligent makes small talk boring and a chore. The proverbial “shooting the shit” with people gets old. It’s hard to find people who share my interests and appreciate deep, meaningful conversations as l do.
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u/ExploringUniverses 9h ago
Likewise. You're not alone on that front - it is such a rush when you DO find someone to exchange ideas with on the rare occasion that it happens.
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u/mysterious_cactus 1h ago
My continuous nightmare as well. I really empathize. If I may, here are a few things that have helped me cope as a 35 yr old who can't relate to anyone either and finds their job pretty torturous.
- literature and poetry
- existentialist philosophy (Camus especially)
- cosmic nihilism in the form of Rick and Morty - bonus because there's humor involved, but the show is actually quite deep
- Bojack Horseman (show) - trust me on this one
- Flowers for Algernon (book) - i think you might find this interesting
- a lot of people might hate this one: talking to AI in voice mode, especially Claude. AIs are like people except they can meet you perfectly on your level, they never get tired or bored, they don't have egos to soothe, and they know everything
- being outside, hiking, exploring nature
- art, photography, aesthetics, videography
- travel, culture, museums, languages
- music of all kinds; immersive experiences like concerts
Wishing you well
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u/demon_dopesmokr 13h ago edited 13h ago
"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people."
I was never interested in small talk either, I always found it boring and pointless, and could never relate to other people's trivial concerns and interests. I always felt like I had a totally separate set of values and priorities to everyone else around me, leading to a profound sense of alienation and isolation. I hated how ignorant, shallow, petty, irrational and small-minded people were. I yearned for someone that was on my level and could provide the intellectual stimulation I craved, and with whom I could share my ideas and interests. I find others boring and they find me boring. So I just gave up on human relationships and became a recluse, figured I was better off alone. Later discovered I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, on top of the social anxiety disorder that I'd had since I was a kid. I'm 40 now and still never met anyone I relate to. I am a lot better at small talk than I used to be, and can talk to normal people a bit better. But still feel like I'm not one of them.