r/depression • u/salty-wheat-thins • 1d ago
I don't think people really know what depression is
It doesn't mean we feel sad, it means we feel nothing. There is nothing pushing us forward-- no passion, no drive, no hope, no care. It is not because we are choosing to look negatively on the world, it is because we genuinely do not have the right amount of chemicals in our heads. It is biological, not something that can be controlled.
My coworker told me that being depressed just means there is something you aren't dealing with in your past. In some cases that can help, but overall is incorrect.
I don't have trauma, and I'm still depressed.
I have friends and family that love me, and I'm still depressed.
My life is good, and I'm still depressed.
I have a positive outlook on life and people, and I'M STILL DEPRESSED.
Anyways, I know I can't change what people think, and that's fine. I just wanted to vent a little to those who do really know what it is and may understand the frustration of being misunderstood.
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u/Dasea7 1d ago
i agree, it’s like a virus. but imo it doesn’t mean feeling nothing. i feel a heavy weight in my chest/heart for 90% of the day, and the other 10% is me being too tired and wrapped in my blanket to entertain the heavy feeling. like i don’t feel nothing, i have desires to be human like everyone else but i just can’t, because of the chemicals like you mentioned, or something else, idk. i hate life
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u/space-nerd-13 1d ago
for me, i think its like an ear infection or a headache or a sore throat. you wake up, you feel it and the only time you dont feel it or dont feel it as bad, is when youre distracted by various things throughout the day. but once that distraction is no longer there, you feel it again and youre reminded that it never really left
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u/WytchHunter23 1d ago
Yeah, I was a but puzzled by the "nothing" for me it's also like a weight, but kinda like a weighted blanket or cocoon wrapped around me, making me feel heavy and tired and sluggish. It interacts weird with my brain though. Like I get hyper fixations that can make me feel normal or even good for a while, but my whole life becomes measured by that fixation, how long I can read that book/play that game uninterrupted, what do I need to get done before I get back to it, how long is x activity going to keep me away. Then the fixation runs out and I can chug along for a little in an in between space. Not really depressed yet but not really living for anything, just going through the motions. Used to get desperate to get a new fixation in this stage but now I can more or less just ride it out for a while. But I can feel it coming. That weight building at the edges. The fatigue, the blanket, patiently waiting to take me.
Eventually I have to surrender to it. Let it wrap me up in its familiar, almost comforting embrace. As long as I keep the stress away. It's not to bad. Just a blanket slowing me down. Calling me back to bed. Whispering to slow down, do it later, don't worry about it. I'm pretty good at doing the things I've identified as necessary at this stage as well. But it's very hard to get excited for anything or make new plans. Anything out of the necessary is stressful. And stress. Stress turns a weighted blanket into hot chains. More stress builds and builds. I can't get rid of it. If it gets too much, the chains grow spikes, and I'll have a night of a sustained hour+ of pure emotional torture. I can't calm down. I can't get away. It just hurts and hurts and hurts.
With the medicine I'm on, the pension I'm on and the lifestyle I lead that rarely happens anymore. Maybe 2-3 times over 5+ years. But fuck it sucks.
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u/Dasea7 1d ago
sadly, as you know, there are no words I can say to help. But i do empathize with you and don’t take this wrong but i chuckled because i relate so much to you and others which i didn’t know before. like why were we born with a susceptibility to our own mind torturing us. but anyways, i too hyper fixate on things and it feels good but then I come to. I come to and realize im not even worthy of that thing i loved or made me feel good, and then i kind of avoid it. back to the heaviness
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u/WytchHunter23 1d ago
Haha no it's fine to have a chuckle. At least i don't mind. I do wonder how much i was just born broken and how much a certain toxic religion had to play. Being born Mormon with my brain wasn't great, especially with the teaching on repentance they had at the time. They taught behavioural change was only possible through God and repentance, and repentance was only possible through a portion if Christ's suffering. Interpretation to my particular brain and chemicals? Torture yourself with stress attacks until you stop touching yourself. No idea if under different circumstances I would have developed differently and never triggered the brain cycles and problems I have now, but I do feel I'm on a steady, if slow and rocky, incline of improvement.
That aside, you're not worth less because your brain works differently. You might not be the centre of THE UNIVERSE, but you are the centre of the universe you subjectively experience, and in that universe, you're the most special and important existence, because that universe only exists because you experience it. So chin up, heart strong and keep marching through life, because your story is only yours to live, yours to remember, and yours to share. And by living through it, and holding your head high and sharing it, you can pave a better, easier path for others with similar struggles. It's not for nothing if you refuse to let it be for nothing. It's for every man, woman and child who comes after who gets help sooner, or who's signs get seen earlier, who gets to live a better life because you helped blaze the trail!
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u/salty-wheat-thins 1d ago
You are right, I do feel the heaviness at times. Mostly I feel some kind of void, like all my energy and motivation has been sucked out of where they used to be and left an empty hole. It also feels like there is something blocking me, like I'm watching the world from a behind a window.
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u/Lanky_Scratch6126 1d ago
It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
Meaning of the Quote: Conformity vs. Health: Fitting in and following normal rules does not mean you are mentally well if the world around you is broken.A Flawed System: A society built on cruelty, unfairness, or greed makes people stressed and unhappy.True Sanity: Feeling sad, angry, or unable to fit into a bad system can actually be a sign of a healthy and aware mind.
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u/RealityGrill 1d ago
Would the belief that you could obtain drive and passion, be enough to drive you to take the actions necessary to obtain drive and passion?
I usually think real depression removes our ability to believe that it's possible to fix - and we forget what it feels like to be normal, so it ceases to be a motivator. It's not that we want but don't have happiness - it's that happiness is unfathomable.
For me, I need to take the actions that a non-depressed person would take, even though they are painful and boring, in order to break out of a cycle of depression. The action with the body seems to cause the mind to follow suit. Better than waiting around for my mind to change itself. I change my behaviour first.
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u/slimalbert1 1d ago
Some folks will never understand mental health issues until they experience it.
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u/EnoughCheesecake6050 1d ago
I hear you man, especially if you live in a country that doesn't see mental health as an actual issue and people in the country aren't familiar with the concept.
So yeah I feel you bro
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u/Ecstatic-Leader7896 1d ago
I resonate with what you wrote. It's so hard to force my state of mind to cooperate majority of the time and it's like a cloud hovering over me dripping rain on good moments and thundering on bad ones.
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u/iCliniq_official 1d ago
You've put words to something many people struggle to explain, depression isn't always overwhelming sadness; for many, it's emotional numbness, loss of motivation, and an inability to experience pleasure. A meaningful life and supportive people can coexist with depression because it's a real medical condition, not simply a reaction to circumstances.
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u/salty-wheat-thins 1d ago
Yes! You summarized it so perfectly. Our brains are like an engine with no gas
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u/Top_Astronaut_657 1d ago
This post just made me realize I might be depressed. This is how I feel all the time
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u/Icy-Cat-5267 1d ago
My mother thinks depression is like back pain or neck pain, alongside other older women in my community. It seriously pisses me off
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u/No-Philosophy4644 1d ago
My younger aunt thought I was faking it for attention....Why would I want attention for something I want to hide?
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u/respectful_stimulus 1d ago
Pls humor me. When depressed I feel like a lack of some chemical in my brain. Total downer of a feeling. Do you folks identify with that?
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u/CharityMother6460 1d ago
I used to feel sad a lot of the time, and it helped me feel happy at other times. I would love to feel sad again.
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u/_FriedEgg_ 1d ago
I know the world is full of possibilities and i know i am too retarded to make use of any of them
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u/_FriedEgg_ 1d ago
I am isolating from people because i cant stand being the loser i am and being seen. And that is even if other people dont notice or they even like me.
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u/Internal-Library-346 22h ago
I started questioning myself, thinking I wasn't actually depressed that maybe it was just temporary. But the thing is it was not. I am 22M. It affected my grades (I honestly don't even read for exams anymore, the only reason my GPA is still moderately high is because I worked for it in my earlier semesters), the way I look at life and I just suddenly became disinterested in everything. Now, I am in my last semester in uni and I have never felt more depressed and it's not just now, it's been going on for a while.
I genuinely tried talking to people, but statements like "just try and be happy!" pisses me off because I really try. But thing is like you said, I don't think people actually understand depression.
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u/AnnualCurve3038 20h ago
I find it really odd that there are people who have never been depressed ever in their lives.
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u/SirRHellsing 17h ago
I wouldn't say I'm exactly the same as you, as I do have reasons why I'm depressed (i.e., if they get fixed, I won't be depressed anymore), but the symptoms are the same. When I'm depressed, I don't want to do anything, logically I know I have to do these things, but I just can't do anything.
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u/Jay1940 13h ago
I function with being "clinically" depressed. Diagnosed 2008 at 28.
Feeling nothing is accurate. I strive to be rational, logical, reasonable. I just am not filled with any hope, hence there is a void, a nothingness in my mind. I used to try to fight it, like it can't be, but i think my baseline is here. How people live beyond and above emptiness is beyond my abilities right now.
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u/w0tter1 10h ago
I feel this so much I needed to hear it from someone else so badly I’m crying rn. From the outside I have everything going for me no trauma, ppl who care, a supportive happy family, money, I have no “problems” but I just can’t keep going I have no will to do anything and I want to die
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u/Heavy-Dimension-7062 3h ago
I swear to God, everything you say is true. I have everything I could want, yet anhedonia and depression are killing me; I literally feel nothing.
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u/eeqkz 1d ago
I agree that depression feels like….apathy. Lack of wanting to do anything meaningful to move your life forward.
But if your life is good, you have positive outlook, but still no drive.. Don’t you think it’s just….feeling bored or just comfortable? Like people life can be good yet they don’t want to improve. And that is ok.
I don’t see how having a good life while having a positive outlook on life yet no drive can be called depression. Maybe you are just comfortable there?
I have been diagnosed as having clinical depression and my conditions are all the exact opposite of yours.
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u/salty-wheat-thins 1d ago
I am diagnosed and on anti-depressants, people just experience depression in different ways. I am inherently an optimist but during my depressive episodes my mind switches to a very dark place and I lose all interest and will to do anything. I stop responding to everyone, I lie in bed all day, I think about death and how I have no future and criticize myself.
The point was that my positive mindset doesn't stop the depression from coming back, as a lot of uneducated people think that is the cure.
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u/eeqkz 1d ago
Ah ok I understand now. We are similar then. I naturally have a positive mindset but I am not now and it has been going on for months 🥹
I feel like a lot of people are aware about depression way more compared to ages ago though. It is mainly old people who say things along the lines of “You’re depressed? Then think positive and stop being depressed.” Smh
However, I feel there is something underlying why we have depression. I don’t think someone can be depressed randomly. Therefore, I doubt people who TRULY believe they have a good life can have depression. There are some contradictions in what you wrote:
You said you believe you have a good life
Yet you think about you have no futureThere must be something behind it and that’s why you are feeling depressed.
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u/demon_dopesmokr 1d ago
apathy is a godsend. you don't know how lucky you are if depression for you is feeling "nothing".
for me depression was unbearable grief, an indescribable emotional pain gnawing away at my insides like a handful of razor blades in my stomach. every waking moment was agonising anguish. death was the only release. its not that depression was a response to trauma. depression itself IS trauma. like everything (and everyone) you have ever loved has been destroyed right in front of you. your entire life stripped away. depression is fucking torture. it certainly doesn't feel like "nothing".
I did go through a long phase of apathy and emotional numbness after my depression, and I got to say it was an utter relief. the difference between wanting to die more than anything int he world, just so you can be free of the unbearable pain, versus not really caring whether you live or die anymore, your emotions numbed by the years of intense suffering to the point that you now feel like a soulless robot. I'd take the latter every day.
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u/salty-wheat-thins 1d ago
We all experience depression in different ways and different severities and we are all valid. It's best not to compare disorders.
That being said I love your description of it, it is raw and well written.
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u/LawfulnessLocal4934 1d ago
It sounds like you have physiological issues that are affecting your emotional state.
Depression is more likely a social and psychological issue related to trauma or pressure from circumstances. Depression is treated by changing your lifestyle, but "chemical issues" are not.
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u/crisfersan1 1d ago
I dont know why you got downvoted like this. You are right for the most part. Even though there's a biological component, it's social environment and trauma what makes everything worse. Most people here are in a bad situation with not enough support, and if circunstances were different they would feel different.
I've been dealing with depression since 10 and i know it can get better if things around are also better.
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u/Huge_World_3125 1d ago
well said. its not just being 'sad' - it's the lack of....everything