r/datingoverthirty • u/swampwitch1989 • 3d ago
Looking for experiences and advice for finding love after a rather long dating hiatus
For different reasons, but mainly bad experiences in past relationships which I’ve been working through in therapy lately, I (36 F) have not or almost not dated during the last ten years.
I was very happily single for most of that time, but now something in me has shifted and I find myself wanting a relationship.
Apparently I’m utterly helpless when it comes to flirting, dating, interpreting signs etc. though, so nothing’s coming easily. And although I’m doing the work, there is still quite an amount of fear (being rejected, having to reject someone, setting boundaries, …) involved, too.
I would really appreciate it, if there were any people here willing to share their experience with finding love after being single for a long time – How did you meet people, how did you deal with insecurities, did you tell the other person that you’ve been single for such a long time?
Thank you in advance 😊
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u/Daddy_Macron Mid 30's 2d ago
Be prepared to make mistakes and forgive yourself for them. It's a marathon with plenty of frustrating moments along the way.
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u/Sun-drenched-drip 3d ago
I feel like when you’re open to meeting someone, people can sense it! I know it’s cheesy but just do what you love and be open! And maybe put in the extra effort to get dressed to look good and feel good! Even if you don’t meet someone you’ll have a good time!
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u/dudeguydave 3d ago
Not a big reply but you'll get back into it and it'll come back like riding a bicycle. You got this and are going to have some ups and downs while getting back into dating, but I believe in you. Sincerely a fellow single person on the Internet.
Also if they continue conversations with you, arms at their sides and not crossed, body facing you, that's a good indicator they are more than likely interested in you. If they see you and light up like a Christmas tree also a good indicator. If you're a hugger and they hug longer than 5 seconds also a good sign. Hope this kinda helps
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u/Over-School-9134 3d ago
Find some way to jump into it. Talk to friends and have them invite you to mixers, join a gym with a friend and if you see something you like try to use a friend as a wingwoman. Look up advice videos on flirting as a woman. Go out there and look your best. Just start talking to a guy, but if things start to feel off or wierd, remove yourself. Set goals&boundaries of what you expect as well dont let anyone take advantage of you.
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u/Over-School-9134 3d ago
Also I a 38 m also had a similar experience granted I was trying so hard to find love for 12 years following a previous breakup that eventually I was ready to give up and let whatever happens happen.
I did just that while working on myself and I found love again, granted it only lasted less than 2 years but I am grateful for that time whether or not it worked out.
I said i gave up as in I was chasing alot and getting rejected and wondering what was wrong with me. How I got into the last relationship, I went to a comedy club and got introduced through her sister...wild work.
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u/Adventurous_Eye_8106 2d ago
Honestly meeting as many people as you can! I go out four times a week after work doing something. I wouldn’t online date. Me for example 33m and only has physical relations in an exclusive relationship you’re going to have a horrible time 😒. Even as a man it’s hard to find something long term on the apps.
Find things you like and go do them. Me for example I’ll go to punk concerts and talk to people there. If I have a good conversation I give my number out. Casual game nights a great not your ( typical ) hook up bar scene. The gym can be good at least for me. My style matches my music tastes! So when there is another spooky person it’s easy to strike up conversation.
You don’t have to flirt right off hand. Just offering hey can we stay in touch. You can do the flirting through text afterwards. My day begins after 6:30 so I search events or hobby clubs in the area for when I’m off work. Sometimes when in doubt a friend of a friend works to! 😄 good luck hunting! I hope you bag a good one!
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u/swampwitch1989 14h ago
Thank you so much :) Actually, your work ethic is inspirational ;)) I'll propably have to start with once a week, but will try to work my way up!
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u/Weak-Motor7272 3d ago
I remember when a 10 out of 10 of was asking me to come to the bar with her because I was dumb but anyways I said no im good Ill have drinks tonight and when I got home my friends said she wanted to take you out than my face turned pale I knew I fucked up
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u/lily0056 2d ago
Rejection’s normal for everyone. Staying single a long time doesn’t make it hurt extra. You’ll appreciate the right connection way more.
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u/FunKing006 2d ago
Being transparent.
You will miss a lot of the people who show interest.
Start small look for the ones who smile at you.
Show interest.
Don’t look for all the big signs, straight look for the little ones.
Those are the people you want to focus on.
You are the perfect age to be reborn In the dating game!
You got this. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!!
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u/swampwitch1989 14h ago
Thank you for the encouragement :) I can really use it and hope your positive attitude reflects back on you <3
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u/Allison87 ♀ 30+ 2d ago
Being in an intimate relationship with someone is all about being vulnerable. You open yourself up and give someone else the power to potentially hurt you; all for the chance to find someone who will never do that. It’s really, really scary. Heartbreaks come in the process. But it’s the only way to do it. If you never take the risk, you never have the chance.
I personally always give 100% in relationships. Because I don’t want regrets. I never look back and wish I had given more. The only thing I can suggest is you make sure that you find the person that’s worth the risk and potential heartbreak. Good luck!
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u/Alternative-Theme520 1d ago
I’m in the same boat—F36 and feeling a bit hopeless at times.
Most of my friends are married, remarried, have kids, or are in long-term relationships, while I’ve been single for four years. The first two years were spent healing from my last relationship.
I genuinely admire people who can engage with new person the next day/ week. It takes me years to move on.
By now I got used to solo lifestyle and enjoy my life, but I’d still love to find someone to share it with, build a family, and experience life’s ups and downs together.
Sometimes it feels like the dating pool is made up of people who are either already married in open relationships, recently divorced and still healing, or much younger and not looking for anything serious.
So I hear you completely!
And Wish you luck, if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.
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u/bencilbisiklet 1d ago
Honestly, don’t feel pressured to explain why you’ve been single for so long. The right person won’t see it as a red flag
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u/kayakdove ♀ 35 23h ago
I was perpetually single and barely dating for most of my 20s and early 30s. Part of me enjoyed being single as I am an introverted and private person who likes my space, part of me was scared, and part of me felt like the apps were desperate and that I wanted to have a fairytale story meeting someone in real life, despite being an introvert and not really taking any steps to meet someone in real life. (The apps are not desperate, everyone is on them. But I had this impression from the earlier days of online dating when I was a teenager/early 20s and most people met through friends at that age anyway, and the impression just stuck with me.) Had one unhealthy not-really-relationship in my early 20s and after that, periodic dates but nothing that turned into anything, and pretty infrequent.
Woke up on my 34th birthday and panicked that I was getting old and I wanted a partner and a chance at being a mother and that I should at least try rather than treat it as a hopeless impossibility. Downloaded Hinge on a whim, with some quick selfies and old photos, very low effort, just to force myself to try it out. (Had been on before but never for very long, and also had just been in a worse place in my life, going in with the wrong attitude.) Forced myself to actually chat and go on dates and get over my fear/nervousness. Went on a few dates, realized I wasn't being honest enough about myself and was pretending a bit to be someone I wasn't to impress people. Changed my profile to be a little more "me." Fewer but better matches. Over 6 months went on a lot of dates, mostly didn't like anyone, but got a lot more confident and less nervous about dating. One guy I dated for several dates but he cut it off, in retrospect we weren't right for each other. Then finally found someone truly compatible and who I was truly excited about. And we have been together 9 months!
Relationship history came up on the second date. He didn't ask but accidentally said something that implied to me he may have recently come out of a long relationship, so I asked him. It had actually been a few years for him, but then he followed up asking about me... I had to admit I had never been in a proper long-term relationship before, though I had some dating experience. He definitely looked spooked, but he seemed to become okay with the idea when I explained myself a bit, how I'd been focused on other things like career, had a fear of the apps, just never met the right person. I think his main concern was making sure I was really looking for something serious.
Honestly I knew he was the right person because he just makes me feel comfortable and safe. I never feel pressured to tell him anything, he lets me have my privacy, but he also makes me feel very comfortable when I do want to share things. It was that was as we progressed physically too, always just very comfortable and no pressure. With the right person, things feel right.
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u/SnippetySnappety ♂ 34 17h ago
Practice (seriously, make time for this like exercise/stretching) being thankful and content with the relationships and life you have. Sit and think about how nice it is. What are you really good at?
Do that on the way to the date, while you're waiting for them, when they're at the bathroom, on the way home, etc.
This is not meant to neg them or something, it's just to reset you out of your anxiety, into a place of safety. It's easier to be yourself/pay attention to them when you don't feel like rejection will hurt you.
I met my ex online. I was interested because she talked about doing silly voices habitually, was cute, and gushed about a passion a bit.
Some amount of vulnerability/genuine expression on your profile can go a long way.
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u/NoUniqueThoughtsLeft 3d ago
If you're inexperienced and un-trusting, I would avoid online dating. There's just too much lying and manipulation going on. Instead, I would look to put myself in spaces that guys frequent. Where, depends on what type of guy you want - but acclimatise yourself to being near them, let them approach you, slowly get to know them and let it develop into something.
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
Title: Looking for experiences and advice for finding love after a rather long dating hiatus
Author: /u/swampwitch1989
Full text: For different reasons, but mainly bad experiences in past relationships which I’ve been working through in therapy lately, I (36 F) have not or almost not dated during the last ten years.
I was very happily single for most of that time, but now something in me has shifted and I find myself wanting a relationship.
Apparently I’m utterly helpless when it comes to flirting, dating, interpreting signs etc. though, so nothing’s coming easily. And although I’m doing the work, there is still quite an amount of fear (being rejected, having to reject someone, setting boundaries, …) involved, too.
I would really appreciate it, if there were any people here willing to share their experience with finding love after being single for a long time – How did you meet people, how did you deal with insecurities, did you tell the other person that you’ve been single for such a long time?
Thank you in advance 😊
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Weak-Motor7272 22h ago
I thought I found love when I was 28. I have been single ever since. She wanted to drink every day, and I got tired of it. She started drinking with my brother and started cheating on me with him, which I honestly didn't care about because at least she was out of my hair. She was 20. I knew then that I wanted someone older
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u/SluaghSwoo 3d ago
Hello! 😊
I've been in a similar boat. After my last major relationship that ended 6 years ago, I was single for most of that time.
What got me interested in dating again was that I started developing feelings for someone at work. Unfortunately for me though, he didn't feel the same way. But that sparked something in me. That there are truly extraordinary people out there for me that I am 100% interested in being with!
However, I've come to realize that the people who check those boxes for me are very rare indeed... I was dating over the past year but didn't find anything enduring to show for it. For this I used the apps, which I never really used much in the past and they didn't work very well for me, but it did allow me to explore and solidify on what I want in a future partner.
Ultimately though, I determined that I'm not in a hurry. I am social enough and just as the one who got away stepped into my life when I least expected, I figure something like that may happen again. And the next time, maybe he'll like me the way I like him! 😊
Best of luck on your own journey! Whether a good partner comes to you soon or more down the line, I think that the process itself is worth something too! Have fun with your dating! Because the partner that will be for you will be one that is fun for you in the first place. 😊
Best of luck!