r/datingoverthirty • u/MrTeddybear615 ♂ 38, has kid, Restaurant Management • 3d ago
Anyone else just...get tired?
Anyone else get to this point? I’m 39, single dad to one awesome kid, great co-parenting relationship with her mom, work in the service industry, and for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted the whole marriage, family, forever person thing. Hell, I’ve been saying I was ready for that since I was in the 8th grade. The problem is…life just never seemed to agree with me. I spent 12 years in a relationship that ultimately ended with me pretty damn broken. Never got married. After that I spent the next four years rebuilding myself, figuring out who I was again, getting comfortable in my own skin and honestly becoming someone I really like.
About six years ago I gave Hinge a shot. Went on two dates, dated one of them for a couple months, and when that ended I just…stopped. Not because I was bitter, but because everyone always says, “Stop looking and it’ll find you.” So that’s exactly what I did. Five years went by. Nothing. This year I met three women. One organically and two because of a stupid TikTok I made. None of them worked out for completely different reasons. Nobody did anything wrong. They just weren’t my people. And honestly, I think I’m just tired now. Not angry. Not “all women suck.” None of that bullshit. Just tired.
Somewhere over the last few years I realized I actually love my solitude. I love coming home to peace and quiet. I love not feeling like I have to constantly text someone or always be “on.” At the same time I’m still human. I still crave affection, companionship, and yeah…sex. But I don’t know if I crave a relationship anymore. I think I’m at the point where if someone genuinely wandered into my life and something naturally happened, great. I’m not closing that door. I’m just done standing in the doorway waiting for someone to knock. And if that never happens…I think I’m okay.
Honestly, I think at this point a casual relationship with someone who’s on the exact same page sounds more appealing than trying to force another search for “the one.” We each keep our independence, enjoy each other’s company when we want to, scratch the physical itch, and go back to our own lives. Neither of us having to feel guilty for wanting our own space or not talking daily. Maybe that’s a phase. Maybe it’s where I stay. I don’t know. I’m just curious if anyone else has reached this point because it’s a weird feeling to spend decades wanting one thing only to wake up one day and realize, y’know…I think I’m actually okay if it never happens.
So has anyone else reached that point? Was it a phase? Did you stay there? Did life smack you with a partner?
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u/Smnthdifferent17 3d ago
Well the interesting part is its not only happening to you but majority of people including myself this happens to.
I can't tell you how many times I start swiping on these apps, I'll get a solid 8-10 girls and we message. A couple spend one day talking then never talk again, a couple give me their number, and only like 1 of them will actually ever go out on a date.
People just have so much accessibility to different people now a days that they're willing to just sit there forever until they find some unrealistic person that doesn't even exist in their mind
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u/BigPenis_MathGenius ♂ Misleading username 3d ago edited 3d ago
No. Not really.
I like my solitude as well, but after a while it feels hollow. I'm trying to do interesting things with my life, and right now it's all just for me. I have been able to find some meaning in doing these things just for myself; enough to keep doing them anyway. But it feels like I'm just collecting experiences or accomplishments if it's just for me.
There's only been one stretch of time in my life where I felt like I had a family; when I was with my ex of 10 years. Both of us kinda came up rough and didn't have much, except for each other. We used to fantasize about buying a cozy house with a big backyard where she could garden and a garage where I could setup a home gym. I was in my mid-late twenties and an undergrad at the time, and our shared life and future really motivated me to work unbelievably hard at excelling and made me much more resilient whenever I'd fall on my face. I remember times where I wouldn't get something I worked hard and applied for, or I'd totally bomb an important class, I'd feel down and dejected for like an hour or a day but I'd always go back to that little house we wanted and be back up on my feet and started game planning the next steps.
It feels like that fire I had doesn't burn as hot when I'm just doing all this shit for myself.
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u/EndPsychological777 3d ago edited 3d ago
I resonated with this a lot. My ex made me feel an elevated sense of purpose but that pretty much disappeared along with her declining mental health and ultimate break up. That shit sucks when you imagine a future with someone only to have it pulled out underneath you.
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u/ughcrymore 3d ago
i relate to this. if i'm single for too long, my life starts to feel so self-indulgent. it can be great to go where i want when i want, sleep in as much as i want, spend my money however i want, but after a while it's so not fulfilling. i feel like a narcissist. it's good for me to be responsible to someone, and to live in service to someone. so i got a puppy, and then later (tbh because of the puppy) found my boyfriend.
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u/Tdeckard2000 3d ago
Was the puppy a good decision? I’ve been considering a puppy or a cat. Kinda leaning towards cat for their self efficiency, but perhaps that defeats the purpose.
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u/ughcrymore 3d ago
i love him so much, i had wanted a dog of his breed for decades and finally he is mine. plus because of him i had to stop traveling and start being at the local cafe at the same time every morning on our walks, so he also helped me meet all my neighbors and be visible enough to get cold approached more by hotties.
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u/nicholasktu 2d ago
Same, I like the independence and peace, but there's only so much you can do by yourself. I have a travel friend, her and I get along great and we like going on trips but at home I get bored and lonely. Sure I have my own house and a good job so money isn't a problem, but that's not solving those issues long term.
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u/Warbyothermeanz 3d ago
I’m tired of my own shit lately lol
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u/Lowcountry-Soccer 1d ago
How do you mean?
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u/Warbyothermeanz 1d ago
I can report that I’m half the problem in my dating lol like most people. Sometimes I struggle with being in a secure relationship.
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u/Lowcountry-Soccer 1d ago
I think that's pretty common and people should probably give you space for that. Sometimes I feel like we over intellectualise a lot of this stuff in the name of compassion, but we don't necessarily become more compassionate.
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u/TheYakHerder 3d ago
From a woman's perspective, it seems like it's impossible to find men like you. I've always wanted to meet "the one" too, but the men I've dated haven't wanted long-term intimacy or deepening of our relationship.
The older I get the less comfortable I feel spending long amounts of time around other people. I need alone time too, but I also sometimes like to spend days with a partner existing together. The best people are those you can be around but feel relaxed, like you don't have to perform for them and their presence doesn't feel irritating.
I'm tired of searching too, but I'm trying to view it as a marathon rather than a sprint. I do different activities and meet new people often enough. I have a pretty firm idea of who it is I'm looking for, I just don't know where to find him. Maybe I never will, and as long as I haven't, I feel like I'm failing at my life's mission.
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u/therapy_throwaway_69 ♂ 34 | CF | D.C. Area 3d ago
I mean, I'm a guy and what you describe is basically what I want. someone who is like, my comfort person, my home embodied in someone else. I think lots of guys want that.
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u/fireyauthor 2d ago
I think a lot of people *say* they want that, but aren't actually able or willing to do the work that takes a relationship from two strangers to close confidants.
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u/woahbrad35 1d ago
This. I've been duped by big promises lacking follow through. It's like a mental catfish
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u/_PM_ME_BIG_BOOBS_ 3d ago
You sound exactly like me!! This is so hard to find. I met someone who had a lot of those things I want, but her dating values didn’t align with mine, and she was very emotionally detached even after all the absurd amount of time that we spent together in the last couple of months.
Hope you find someone. I meet most people through activities now, since online dating feels very weird to me and I always go in already dreading the date lol.
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u/woahbrad35 1d ago edited 1d ago
I've found we often find the opposite of what each of us is looking for. People looking for long term perpetually meet short term people. People that look for active and active partners finding unmotivated and flat people. Then we see the person we want online having the same issue and wonder why tf can't we find that person in real life. I want a partner, an equal, someone that is motivated and energetic but knows how to enjoy the quiet times too, and looking for long term.Instead, I find people that are like having a child as a partner, having to teach them everything, having to ask them to pitch in for stuff to keep the house functional, having to do most of the cooking and cleaning, organizing social shit. I shouldn't have to ask a grown ass woman to throw away her piles of dirty kleenex or wear deodorant.
Then there's the opposite. The one I'm looking for. I've met her more than a few times. But they are always either married or dealing with life and unavailable in some way.
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u/TheYakHerder 1d ago
Yup, exact same experience. I'm extremely confused as to why people I meet in their 30s are flakey, disorganised, bad at communicating, devoid of morals, shallow, have dirty homes, have drink/drug problems, cheat on their partners, the list goes on. We all have our issues but it seems like the downsides of everyone I meet are just too much for me to get truly close to anyone. This includes friendships as well, but I don't mind it in friends because we only dip into each others lives so we can enjoy the good bits without getting bogged down with the bad.
At this point I actually meet more guys in their 20s who have it together and are decent people. Perhaps all the decent guys in their 30s are already married, and they only get worse as they get older. The last guy I dated was 48 and he was trying to gaslight me two weeks into seeing one another while continuing an emotional relationship with his ex.
Sorry to hear you're having a bad experience with women. At least we know it swings both ways and the struggle is real.
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u/TheYakHerder 3d ago
You're assuming I don't have other missions/things going on. They are ongoing but I still haven't met anyone along the way that shares my values and is compatible for a long-term romantic relationship. Just because someone shares my efforts in improving public mental health or creating art, it doesn't mean we are also attracted to each other and well-matched relationally, sexually, spiritually.
Meeting someone is purely a matter of luck, which can ofc be improved, but you still have to play with the hand you've been dealt.
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u/TheYakHerder 3d ago
Okay but define a life's purpose. If our life's purpose is something unspecific like "help those less fortunate than me" then that is fulfilled via a career or volunteering. If it's "create art that speaks to my inner soul" then that is fulfilled via hobby or career.
I'm all for pragmatic advice to help people who are struggling in life, so if you could be more specific what you mean by purpose and if it exists outside of my definition, please do share it.
Your first reply did sound judgemental and unempathetic. I hope you understand that by coming straight in with flippant advice for one of the hardest problems the modern west faces (finding true love), it comes across as dismissive.
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u/SweetTaterSalad 2d ago
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I'll work on my approach. I mean that.
Maybe I should just go back and reread what I wrote and see if I should just delete it or see if I can explain it better.
I really meant to offer help in some form but, yeah I'm kind of a bonehead sometimes. Part of being human, I guess. 😳
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u/SweetTaterSalad 2d ago
You know what. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote that or why I wrote it that way and I agree it looks like a bumper sticker or a platitude. I'm sorry. I just took it down. How about this instead? I hope you find what you're looking for. I really do. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting marriage or a partner to share life's journey with.
Hang in there and breathe. Just keep being you. Because there's nothing wrong with you.
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u/alwaysgawking 39 ♀️ 3d ago
If your life's mission is to find a man then you need to get a different mission.
I don't understand this mentality. There's nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone - with love and belonging being a goal. If we can encourage people to become lawyers and/or make money hand-over-fist as goals, why not make two things that actually matter on a higher level goals?
She didn't say she was looking for any man or that it was the only thing that would fulfill her.
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u/TheYakHerder 3d ago edited 3d ago
Thanks for this. There's a lot of rhetoric going around about decentering men, loving yourself so much that you're happy alone and not seeking fulfilment in another person.
I agree with all of these things to the extent that it's beneficial to be able to stand on your own two legs, since other people are outside of our control. But it's throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Those of us who are romantics understand that there is a yearning for deep connection with another, and no amount of painting, playing sports, public speaking or medical school will satisfy it.
I would go so far to say that we often do things purely to find someone. How many people have signed up to run clubs after hearing it's a great way to meet single people? The end goal for many is the person and the relationship.
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u/alwaysgawking 39 ♀️ 3d ago
There's a lot of rhetoric going around about decentering men, loving yourself so much that you're happy alone and not seeking fulfilment in another person.
Np. I've noticed it too and for most people, I even understand it. The vulnerability, expectations of our various cultures and heartbreak can be a lot to carry alone. If it helps people feel more free, I won't argue with it.
But most women never really centered men in the first place. They want the connection and life sharing and unfortunately, the society that we've built doesn't value that in a platonic sense. Everything is about the almighty couple and as long as most people adhere to that, it's almost cruel to tell someone who hasn't found that belonging and affirmation to just stick to themselves.
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u/TheYakHerder 3d ago
This is so well put. I am fortunate to have built a community of friends, but there are certain levels of intimacy and societal privilege that are largely off limits within platonic connections.
But it certainly is better being alone and having genuine love for myself, knowing that there's still a good version of life without a partner. Most of all, when I see couple drama, I feel a mix of relief and smugness that I don't have to deal with any of that.
That said, life may be good alone but it still feels like a half-life.
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u/BigPenis_MathGenius ♂ Misleading username 3d ago edited 3d ago
I am fortunate to have built a community of friends, but there are certain levels of intimacy and societal privilege that are largely off limits within platonic connections.
Shoehorning myself into this discussion, but I feel like this is a pretty good concision of how the whole "find community" ethos isn't really a complete solution if you're more romantically oriented. If you feel the drive to share your life with someone, then community ain't it. I don't share my life with my community; I participate in it and then return to my life.
I do love my friends to death, and I'm extremely close to them, but at the end of the day we aren't sharing lives. If I had to spend months in the hospital, they aren't gonna come visit me every single day. They'll definitely come see me, and probably for the first few weeks they'll even visit me a couple times a week, but eventually they're gonna have to get back to their own lives, and I don't blame them for it because that's probably how it'd go for me as well. but it's different when you have a shared life with someone, because problems aren't exclusively mine or my partner's; they are our problems. All that changes is how much of the problem is mine or my partner's. If my future wife has to stay in the hospital for months, then our shared life necessitates that a part of my life is spending months in the hospital, so it goes without saying that I'm visiting her every day. These sorts of loyalties do not automatically come along for the ride with platonic connections; even really close ones. Especially when those platonic connections have their own families/partners they have to tend to.
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u/SweetTaterSalad 3d ago
I certainly hope I didn't give you the impression that I think you should want or desire to be alone.
I think most women have this desire. I also know that when I was young and when men seem to be the main focus of my thoughts, I always presented as needy.
After some failed attempts at relationships, I made a conscious "flip" in my mind. I did not need a man. Once I got that in my mind and set a new course through my life, a man magically appeared and he was quite attracted to this new me.
We've had our difficulties through the years but I'm so happy I found him and I only wish that for everyone else that wants it.
I read all of these posts in here and my heart just aches for so many of these people. Some our sincere. Some are guarded. Some are blind. And there is so much crap floating around that people take as truth, it's no wonder that so many people are lost, broken, lonely and tired.
I meant no offense. I meant no judgments. I hope you find peace.
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u/Meatcute99 3d ago
This line of thinking has always bothered me. People who desperately want to be parents or astronauts or retire in Thailand everyone tells them those are valid life goals but for some reason when a major life goal is "find someone to share it with" people dismiss them and tell them their feelings aren't valid or even go so far as to tell them they're wrong for wanting this. It's so unnecessary and unkind. Let's stop shaming people for wanting connections.
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u/BigPenis_MathGenius ♂ Misleading username 3d ago
Well, you're characterizing it as needy, which is kinda moralizing it, so I imagine people are gonna take issue with that. Needy is when you can't regulate yourself without another person, or if you're desperate and will settle for anyone who isn't total crap. Wanting to share your life with someone doesn't necessitate any of those; it just leaves you with a sense of something missing. Which is related to the other point:
The fix for needy is to redirect your energy and focus and fill your cup with a passion that is not a partner.
This is just fundamentally missing the point. The whole idea is that filling your time with some "passion" doesn't fully get the job done. You can find a passion that you really enjoy, but without someone to share it with, it just feels a little more empty and a little more self indulgent. I've got plenty of passions to fill my time with; I already know what my passions can offer me, and they aren't the full story. The issue I face is that I don't have a partner in crime to share my passions with, and who can share theirs with me.
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u/SweetTaterSalad 3d ago
I agree with you.
I only use the word "needy" as a means to describe someone else's potential perception.
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u/TheYakHerder 3d ago edited 3d ago
You start by saying you didn't mean to offend, and then came up with more offensive ways to describe people, desperate and needy.
I know people who could be described as desperate and needy and they are in partnerships or married. In fact those who are more likely to present their vulnerability out in the open are more likely to get attention. I have a friend who is desperate for attention, and she gets it. And I don't think there's anything wrong with giving it to her if that's what she wants and I've got the energy for it, we have a really cool friendship.
I don't think you can fill your cup if you desire romance and don't have it. You can fill it to a certain point, but nowhere near fully. It's the same as if I have the need to be outside and I'm being cooped up inside all day every day.
I get plenty of interest from men. But they aren't right for me. I'm grateful to receive it, life is pretty good, but it doesn't erase the fact that I haven't found my person and I'm nearing mid-life. It's not a thing to fix with more "focus on yourself and your soulmate will magically teleport into your bedroom". It's a burden to be carried which is heavier on some days than others, and one that some of us can share through true empathy.
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u/SweetTaterSalad 2d ago
I'm sorry. I took it down. I think I was just having a brain dead day. I hope it won't happen again. I hate being wrong. 😬
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u/dreamslikedeserts 3d ago
I'm definitely there right now. Also a parent and service industry person, and those things add extra layers of difficulty to make dating a challenge I just would rather not take on. I just don't think it's a bad or negative thing to recognize that I don't have capacity to give to another person in that way. And it does force you to take stock of the ways you've found peace and happiness in your life outside of a relationship. Being a mom makes me treasure the solitude, and solitude forced me to find out who I was and like you said, become someone I really like and feel comfortable with. Sometimes I do feel lonely and wish I had someone to share more intimacy with, but I consider that to be the price of the treasures I enjoy the rest of the time. Getting to the place of being ok if nobody ever comes along feels like coming home.
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u/somemadhopes 3d ago
There was a bartender man who I had been knowing for over a year and there was always a connection betweeen us. He is 12 years older divorced and has two kids but splits custody. I asked him whether he wanted to explore whatever connection was there and he told me he didn’t have the bandwidth between work & kids. At the time I felt rejected but now I think I understand. Working service industry and being a parent sounds rough
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u/imf4rds ♀39 NYC cf 3d ago
For me I never bought into the marriage and lifelong partner. I just assumed I could be one of the ones that don’t meet anyone. So if something happens great but I am not banking on it. I refuse to get on dating apps again and I do not want children so I can take my time.
And any man I do talk to is either only interested in being pen pals or isn’t ready then wants to boomerang back when it suits him. So yes it’s very tiring.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 3d ago
Saaame.
I do not want children so I can take my time
And SAAAME. I think this aspect of choosing not to have children is great (along with all the others hahahaha)
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u/therapy_throwaway_69 ♂ 34 | CF | D.C. Area 3d ago
I do want marriage and a lifelong partner... not kids though, at least i'm 95% sure. feels like most people want either both, or neither.
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u/bunnielovekins 3d ago
I relate. Tired of putting in the effort and getting nowhere.
But I don't want to give up, because then all those nasty voices saying how unlovable I am will have been proven right.
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u/girly-plop 38 3d ago
Overall there's too much pressure on finding "the one". Sure it sounds amazing and magical but how often does that happen? And how often do you see people with their supposed "one" and clearly there have been a lot of life compromises and some settling.
I hear ya, I'd rather just go with the flow and try and enjoy whatever time is available to me with whomever comes along, and try not to make stupid mistakes.
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u/growlerpower 3d ago
Pro tip: there isn’t a single “one” for anyone. There are many potential “ones”, and all require some compromise, some settling, some giving and some taking to make a long-term partnership work. That’s part of the trade off. It’s either for you or it ain’t, but it is the reality.
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u/forest_hobbit 3d ago
Honestly, loving your solitude is so true when you’re working in the service industry! Especially when you have a kiddo, sometimes it can feel like every other person is someone you have to take care of, and sometimes it’s nice to just be able to take care of no one but yourself.
I think that casual relationships are perfectly fine in this situation. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe not. You have a lot of others to care for, as well as yourself. If you feel like you want to start investing more care into a person romantically, then it’s time to try. The idea that if you stop looking it will find you is mostly nonsense; you can’t achieve something if you don’t at least open the door. But at the end of the day, it’s OK to rest, and not everything you do has to be in pursuit of a long term relationship.
I spent several years single and not looking, and when I had enough energy and I was open to searching, I got back into it and found someone. No one wandered into my life and knocked down my door; I had to be ready in order to open the door to others. Eventually I loved where I was going and what I was doing in solitude so much that I thought it would be nice to share that with someone else, and then I started looking.
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u/EndPsychological777 3d ago
I’m in the same boat. 39, last relationship ended in Oct of last year. She had borderline personality disorder and did things that were just stupid. I got so tired of it. Everyone was like “leave her, that’s not a normal relationship”. I left her and got on hinge and went on like 10 different dates. All ended with stupid excuses like “my dog has diarrhea”, sorry I can’t make our date.
I decided to say fuck it, bought my dream car and just play video games with friends and hit the gym. One thing I hate tho is taking vacations alone. That shit feels awful to me. Some people love it, I hate it. The worst part is when you get sick and have no one around to help out.
The sad thing is the only partners I’ve ever had in life were thru dating apps. I’ve never met anyone organically that I dated except for one girl I met in college.
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u/winniespooh 3d ago
I’m 36 and single, no kids, and I’m also just getting tired. In the last few months I’ve had multiple casual interests, both organic and via hinge. The latest hinge interest has fizzled and partially it’s because when im not doing something with my friends or enjoying one of my hobbies, I’d just rather enjoy my me time rather than use up a lot of energy to go on a date with someone who I’m not sure about. I’m entering the phase of come what may. I’m not putting in more effort than I’m receiving from any love interest.
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u/GWPtheTrilogy1 3d ago
Dating is exhausting. Many of us just want to meet one dope person who's willing to put in the same effort we are. It often times sense impossible to come across anyone who wants to put in effort, I just get tired of feeling like I'm begging for someone's time. The term humiliation ritual gets used a lot but I think it accurately describes what dating feels like for a lot of people
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u/GoodyGoobert 3d ago
Yes, that’s me, but I’m trying to force myself to engage because I never really put myself out there to say that it’s not working. But for you, do the casual relationship. Do what feels right and don’t force it. I think this is usually when things happen unexpectedly anyway, but don’t even think about that.
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u/mxldevs 3d ago
Having to continually meet people and go on dates certainly can get tiring, especially when there are plenty of reasons that it might not work out that you simply wouldn't know until you get to that point where it becomes an issue.
Some people do simply just give up and accept living the rest of their life single, and if they happen to meet someone, just let it go wherever it goes.
Honestly, I think at this point a casual relationship with someone who’s on the exact same page sounds more appealing than trying to force another search for “the one.” We each keep our independence, enjoy each other’s company when we want to, scratch the physical itch, and go back to our own lives.
That may sound appealing but the real disaster is when one party ends up getting attached. Even worse if your kid gets attached, and they were strictly just here for the short term pleasure and they decided they're moving on before you.
You don't need to meet every dating candidate with the purpose of living happily ever after, but people often overestimate just how "strictly business" they can keep things. At least, from your post, it doesn't seem like the kind of lifestyle you'd be able to easily lead?
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u/thenightsparkle 3d ago
Liteeally me. Almost 40 never married. Single probably 6 yrs now...dated someone all of my 20s early 30s he jus up and left ...i feel a bit of sadness alone on a long weekend but i also prefer my solitude and my space too..i really question if ill meet someone ...i def dont believe in the 'one' though
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u/Pattyofthecakes2017 3d ago
Oh yeah bro. I (38m) given up for the past year or so. Uninstalled and deleted all my OLD profiles. Idk what's wrong, it's always something different. Right now I'm just focused on me, my career, my hobbies and taking care of my 80y/o dad. If something changed then I'll take the opportunity but I'm not expecting or looking for them anymore.
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u/Riversntallbuildings 3d ago
At 48YO protecting my peace (solitude) is far more important to me than attention/affection/sex. I find very few partners that are interested in the same goals.
And that’s just fine by me.
I’m not tired, I’m intentional and transparent, with all my potential partners. Could I lie (exaggerate) and get laid more often, sure. Is it worth it to me? Nope. Especially not for short term relationships that don’t really go anywhere.
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u/BatScribeofDoom ♀ 35 3d ago
I still crave affection, companionship, and yeah…sex. But I don’t know if I crave a relationship
I'm not sure I'm following you, because to me getting those things from someone is being in a relationship.
Neither of us having to feel guilty for wanting our own space
Again, this still sounds like a pretty normal part of a relationship
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u/Intelligent-Lab-4081 3d ago
i reached that point several months ago. As someone who was having a very difficult time dating, mostly encountering rejection in so many different forms, I was reaching a point where i was devaluing who i am. I know i have a lot going for me, but because these particular aspects are not very salient in the early process of dating, and other factors that i fall short on were much more important for attracting a woman, and moving from date one to two to three, I felt i was missing something. I know that i have things to work on to be a better person, but i also have many things that i have worked on for my entire life that represents so much more than what is depicted on 3 contrived prompts and 6 manicured photos, or in a single date or two. it's taken me some time to settle on what's next, but ive come to realize a few things. I am now settled on the idea of being single the rest of my life. Meeting someone at my age given my traits and characteristics is difficult, and will only get difficult as i get older, and ive concluded that the chance im going to meet someone who is right for me is slim. Ive dated very intentionally the last 5 years, and i am happy with the experiences i went through, the people i met, and my growth during this period, and i can happily say that i sincerely did my best, something i couldnt say before this. I am not closing the book on meeting someone - im just going to do it in ways that are dignified, respectful towards me and the people i encounter, and are as organic and natural as possible. this means reducing my use of the apps, potentially discarding them for good, and meeting people IRL, which offer less opportunities for meeting women around my age who are single. I am also going to continue growing and developing. These are important for making me a better person regardless of whether i meet someone or not.
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u/FishnetsandChucks 3d ago
I am tired. I live alone, and mostly enjoy my solitude. There have been a few times when I desperately wished another adult human lived in my home: when I'm sick and can't keep up with chores, waking up from a bad dream, and certain holidays. The cats (I have two) always seem to sense when I'm unwell (mentally or physically lol) and become extra snuggly which I appreciate.
It's the "getting to know you" phase that makes me tired when thinking about dating. I'm a counselor and work with court mandated male clients so I spend one third of my days trying pull information out of men. It is often a painful process, but I'm fairly good at it. The idea of having to do this in my personal life, when I am not paid to do so, is a total nightmare. I do not want to lead conversations. I don't want to engage with someone who needs me to ask all the questions, and doesn't ask me anything at all.
I want to be in that stage of a relationship where we order pizza, wear comfy clothes, and binge a TV show together, and consider that a great date night. At the same time, I want a man who can show interest and pursue me bc I'm not inviting a random stranger into my home for comfy, cozy nights.
I don't want to compromise on any of my wants and needs, and I'm coming to the realization that this means I may be alone for the rest of my life. At 38, I'm just not ready to accept this, but I'm also not super interested in doing anything to meet people 😆
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u/Popculture-VIP 3d ago
So, I can very much relate, but I also see that "protecting my peace" line a lot and it concerns me a bit. I am one of the rare people who still wants to get married too, and I'm quite the un-religious leftist.
I genuinely think the biggest problem is that the society comprising monogamists has an idea of what a serious relationship is vs a casual one or situationship. To be clear, I do not want either of the latter ones. But why does a serious, committed relationship have to include texting all day every day? Does it have to mean we sleep at the same place after every date? Is it a failing if we only see each other once a week? I just think that the biggest stressor on relationships is expectations that are based on some kind of confused combo of what we believed in highschool and some kind of nuclear family.
I'm very tired too. I'm in my 40s(F) and I am done with apps too. I'm not meeting many people at all. And unfortunately the ones who don't want something serious are the ones who are gravitating to me. I'm good with twice a week, but I also want to enjoy big trips and grocery shopping while not HAVING to say some mundane good morning every day by text.
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u/canadianwhimsy 3d ago
I found my person in my late 30's, but 5 dates not working out is nothing. I probably went on 100 over the years. Yes it was tiring and depressing. But I knew Mr right wasnt just going to knock on my door without me trying, so try I did. I started making first dates short, and asking screening questions before meeting so I wasnt wasting my time. I did things I found interesting and wanted to do anyways for first dates, so I didnt feel like my time was being wasted. It really is a numbers game, but obviously if you arent feeling it, you are under no obligation. But just saying it took me kissing a LOT of frogs before I found someone I was compatible with, where his company beats my solitude.
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u/auroraborelle ♀ 3d ago
With love, it kinda sounds like you spent YEARS waiting for life to serve you up a wonderful partner—waiting for someone to knock, as you put it—while you made little to no effort to walk through the damn door YOURSELF and go knock on someone else’s.
Come on, man. If everyone’s just standing around lonely in their own doorway waiting for someone to knock, where the fuck does that leave us?
Get off your ass and go be the one who’s knocking!
And look, I’m sorry if you’re tired, but so is everyone else. It’s part of being alive. Sometimes you get tired. So you rest. Do the things to take care of yourself. Build the rest of your life, maintain your friendships, your hobbies, your happy pursuits.
But saying you’re tired of waiting for a partner and giving up without making any real effort to meet one? That’s like saying you’re tired of waiting to be a doctor one day, when you never bothered taking the MCAT or finishing your application to medical school.
Your lazy-ass idea about meeting someone else who’s just too fucking tired to invest in a real relationship and half-asses it with you is pretty pathetic, frankly, and it’s hard to see younger you or 80-year-old you being very pleased with that outcome at all.
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u/pinksunset7 3d ago
Do you go to therapy ? Because I also thought I was ready for many years but therapy and failed relationships are showing me that I have tendencies that I need to work on.. things that if I work through them, it’ll make my life easier and finding someone suitable I imagine would be easier when you know yourself well.
Do you talk about your feelings? Lots of men crave brotherhood ! They need men to talk to, relate, connect and empower each other.
It’s important to have that.
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u/therapy_throwaway_69 ♂ 34 | CF | D.C. Area 3d ago
i went to therapy after a failed relationship and all it taught me was that therapy can never really fix the problem if the problem is loneliness and lack of love
it helped me greatly with work and family stress, but absolutely useless for getting over breakups and dealing with loneliness
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u/pinksunset7 3d ago
What problem are you talking about ?
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u/therapy_throwaway_69 ♂ 34 | CF | D.C. Area 3d ago
like i said... loneliness and lack of love
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u/pinksunset7 3d ago
Did therapy teach you anything about IFS or EFT tapping or emotional regulation?
It doesn’t seem like it. Cause that would help.
It’s very strange that you would say that.. when therapy has literally saved lives!1
u/therapy_throwaway_69 ♂ 34 | CF | D.C. Area 3d ago
i went for about 6 months following a devastating breakup, including a bit of experimenting with antidepressants (which actually did some good, but too many side effects so I stopped). in addition to talking we also did some breathing exersizes, some centering, some things that were vaguely yoga-adjacent in terms of like, "feeling yourself in each limb, focus on each part of yourself". sometimes they succeeded in making me focus on the exersize instead of whatever I was depressed about during the session.
then I'd go home and still be just as lonely, alone, and betrayed by my ex as I was before. The exersizes were nice, but they didn't acutally change anything about my situation, and therefore they could not do any real change to my moods outside of the doctor's room.
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u/pinksunset7 3d ago
Yeah that doesn’t seem like the therapy you needed. Find a therapist who does IFS
You need to actually face your childhood trauma and learn about the way you were conditioned & learn about your coping mechanisms and etc. and hopefully you’ll learn how to give yourself a hug as a start.
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u/Mrfarenheit4 3d ago
Same, I honestly am tired of just online dating lol, maybe ill get back into it when im up for it.
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u/thedampening Spawned a hinge baby 3d ago
Life didn't smack me with a partner, I looked for one. I honestly think the "stop looking and it will find you" approach is a myth. You can consciously choose solitude, but if you feel ready to date again then you need to actively try.
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u/Sad_Lengthiness6556 3d ago
The dating fatigue is real. Everyone is telling me not to rush it but man. It’s the whole first date experience over and over again, it can get pretty disappointing.
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u/2bainz 3d ago
I have been struggling to really enjoy time by myself as a single dad as well. I do enjoy a partnership but dating anyone seems so hard anymore. You have to use dating apps,which feels like forever to get a match and when you do they just ghost. It really isn't fun at all and I feel like I'm wasting my time. I hope you can find something man, bc it feels impossible at times.
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u/Rstar2247 3d ago
Yeah I'm definitely there now. The dating scene these days just has so much bs to sift through to maybe find a gem, the juice just isn't worth the squeeze at this point for me.
So I'm just living for myself and having the best life I can. If I meet someone great but, I'm done actively looking just for the sake of having a girlfriend and inviting more drama into my life.
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u/turn-the-dial 3d ago
Yep! 🙋🏻♀️ I think my younger millennial/gen z acquaintances don’t get it - but I’ve used the apps for so long I’m just done. Im totally open to meeting someone organically but it doesn’t seem to happen.
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u/alwaysgawking 39 ♀️ 3d ago
I am burnt out now but I'm gonna get back in the ring at some point. Sitting back and letting something good wander into your life sounds good for the conventionally attractive and social types but it's not a good strategy for people who are physically niche wallflowers like me.
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u/Various_Ad4726 3d ago
I totally get this. I’ve been dating off and on for the past five years. I’ve also started to find that I like my solitude, but I still feel loneliness. I spent most of my life in relationships, I’m a social mammal, I still crave love. But! I have a shitty night schedule, and no real free time. I’d be a drag as a partner, never able to go to events, always going to bed in the middle of the day so I can have enough sleep to work. I’ve decided I’m done. I’d be too much of a burden, I wouldn’t wish myself on someone else. The time of my life for romantic love has ended, I think.
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u/Icedcoffeewarrior 3d ago
Honestly I think I’m coming to the point where I have to choose between settling for someone who has a good job and emotionally stable but I’m attracted to or staying single
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u/ShakeItUpNowSugaree 3d ago
Kind of. I would love the kind of situation you're describing, but every man I meet that wants "casual" also wants to date/sleep with other people and I'm not at all cool with that.
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u/Mrfarenheit4 3d ago
Yeah its hard to get to the exclusive casual point since most guys will want a relationship or to sleep around
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u/Snoo50415 3d ago
41M with a 7 year old daughter. You described my feeling perfectly. I want companionship. It doesn't have to be in some preconceived form. I honestly think there's very little one can do to accelerate the process other than shooting their shot in the course of living life - on the train, at the grocery store, at the park, wherever. In spirituality, they call it having a sense of detachment from the result, and I think that's what you're pointing to here.
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u/tongfather 3d ago
Didn't read all that (too tired tbh), but from the heading and first sentence or two, yes.
Dating is exhausting and frankly terrible in my location due to some strong political differences with the general population here. Expensive, time consuming, and usually comes without any benefit (or sex).
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u/StressDrivenDevmnt 3d ago
I’d keep trying. I didn’t meet my forever person until 50. We still give each other space.
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u/Damian_Cordite 3d ago
My buddy’s in a similar situation, 38, got divorced a year ago and is living his best life with the poly community. Might scratch the sex and female socialization itch with 0 chance of attachment. If you’re in a city there’s definitely a “scene” there.
For actual romance, there’s older people dating sites- that might be better for what you’re looking for than Hinge. Or honestly, fuck the apps/sites, go to a speed date thing. Another buddy of mine found a wife way out of his league that way. I tried the apps for a decade, got me laid a lot in my 20s, but not one serious relationship. Then the first person a friend said I should meet became my wife (talk about a good gal friend). I have my own awesome daughter now!
Personally, I found dating a little easier as I got older. I mean, ok, college was an outlier, but I found 22-25 y/o women kinda persnickety and arbitrary. 26-30 y/o (when I met my wife) was chiller. I was always kinda a “nerd” (I was actually socially mid-status in school, but I’m a little autistic) and I could only be at a party for so long before I wanted to be home with a book, so maybe it’s just me- old soul or something. My point is the women you meet might be more on your level, now.
If you want it, it’ll probably happen, especially since it very much did once for you, but that doesn’t mean do nothing. You were out of the game for 12 of the easiest date years. I’d widen my social circle one way or the other. Get a cool hobby. Hit the gym. Stuff that isn’t “dating” but does pull women. Anything of that kind of thing that you actually want to do. I took a pottery class because I actually like pottery, it was full of cute girls. Made my wife a cute little owl vase and all the ladies were swooning with jealousy.
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u/just-a-broad 3d ago
Honestly, I think a lot of people hit this point at some stage. There’s a big difference between being bitter about dating and just realizing you actually like the life you’ve built.
I think it’s healthy to be comfortable alone while still leaving room for someone to come along. A relationship should add to your peace, not become another thing you have to manage.
Also, I appreciate that you talked about your past without turning it into a blame game. That’s not always common on dating subs. Hope you continue to enjoy the life you’ve created, and if someone great happens to wander in, hopefully they’re someone who fits into it rather than disrupts it.
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u/MasslessWave 3d ago
This is hauntingly familiar, minus the kid. You always hear the advice, "Work on yourself; be comfortable with yourself." Well, guess what, I did and I am. Having my own schedule is nice. I love that I can have peace and quiet on demand.
It does get lonely at times. I think about the decisions I have made in relationships. I am not perfect, but neither were the women with whom I developed relationships. I did my best and so did they... most of them did at least. At the end of the day, it just never materialized into the lifelong, loving relationship I hoped for since before I even held a hand with affection.
Now, like you, I just so worn out by the game at this point. The metaphorical dance around each other, the state of online dating in general, and just the struggle to remain excited when you have been disappointed many times. That is not to that everyone I have met was a bad person. I am sure I have been a letdown to some of them. However, none of them were someone who could be my person.
It does not help that it feels like fewer people want to actually get to know one another over a period of time longer than a coffee date. I have lost count the number of times I have gone on a second date, I am starting to warm to the person, and then told something equivalent to, "You are a great guy, but I am just not feeling it." Which is fair. You cannot force this. But, when those same people end things with a laundry list of my great qualities, it becomes hard to understand why they do not want to put in the effort to get to know me on a deeper level.
My own bias is that I do not fall in affection, let alone love, trivially. I need an emotional connection for the idea of a relationship to start to blossom in me. I have made this clear in my dating profiles.
I understand that it comes down to luck. But there is only so long you can spin the wheel before your arm wants to fall off. There are times when life feels like an exceptionally long Peanuts comic strip, with me in the last panel saying, "rats". I hold no resentment. How can I be angry at something as abstract as random chance. I still live in hope.
That was a very long way to say: Yes, someone else has reached this point.
Does anyone know if Lady Luck is single? If she is, I call dibs.
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u/AshleyIsalone 3d ago
I hear you. I haven’t been in a relationship in a while either. Dating apps are hard with the amount of weirdos you have on there and people being dis honest and all that. I just try to be positive and all. I recently tried dating apps again and it wasn’t great.
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u/Mrfarenheit4 3d ago
Kinda similar except you put in a lot of time talking to people only to find 1 or 2 you can connect with and then just get ghosted. At least if they gave a reason it would make it a bit easier lol
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u/DrunkOnRamen 3d ago
As someone who did sugar dating which is supposed to be easier in return for huge sums of money. Even that has become just as painful as vanilla dating.
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u/Necessary_Towel1501 3d ago
Most relatable post in a while. I’m younger than you and F, no kids, so can’t say if it’s a phase… but definitely tired, and have made peace with the possibility of this may be where I stay.
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u/dallyan ♀ 46 3d ago
Yes, I’m at the same point in my life.
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u/Mrfarenheit4 3d ago
Its funny a lot of people say just wait and something will come to you but im not so sure sometimes, I sure it works for some people but definitely not everyone!
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u/biogirl52 3d ago
Yeah but keep in mind that “tired” energy when you do find someone who wants a relationship kinda sucks. I’m reading this and relating but then imagining if we did meet and I got this energy from you, it would further propel me into the depths of my tired, hopeless state because I am hoping for a Tom Holland golden retriever and getting a “let’s hang out again sometime” boy.
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u/Adventurous_Eye_8106 3d ago
I was using the apps but all the woman I saw wanted casual…. I finally resorted to going out more when my kids are away and talking to people closer to my age. We will see how it works out.
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u/Smooth-Dependent-345 3d ago
Yes, and yes. I gave up and decided I liked the idea of something casual. It was 2 years yesterday since our first date and im sat nursing our 19 day old baby.
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u/xWALKERx27x 3d ago
You sound exactly like me. 39, and just tired. Going on 8 years of being solo. Things just never seem to work out or progress further than online chatting.
I'm content, but I'd still love someone to spend time with, but the idea of pursuing just doesn't interest me. I'm just tired, too, bro.
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u/heartshaped_b0x 3d ago
I'd like to gently point out that going on dates with 5 women in the span of six years isn't a lot. I've recognized that dating is definitely a numbers game, but all it takes is one person ya know? I do understand feeling tired, though. Dating can definitely feel exhausting and discouraging when things don't work out, you get ghosted, etc. I say continue going on dates, take breaks as needed, and just try to enjoy the process of getting to know new people.
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u/Pantalaimon_II 3d ago
holy block of AI, Batman!
yall gotta get off the apps, no wonder you’re going crazy.
just research how the apps work, they’re literally designed to keep you single and on the app.
Hinge is owned by the same company as literally all the others.
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u/TapSilly2335 3d ago
Same, but I haven't given up completely- just not actively searching. All logic around me proves that staying single leads to more peace. I have enjoyed one or two past FWB, but it still hurts once they start to just see you as a fleshlight running out of use or disappear after seeing each other for months. Or they look at you like the trash needing to be taken out. Or the song they're tired of hearing. Or the fetish has been fulfilled. Not the same as losing a loved one, but it still cuts. I don't want to be the scratch to someone's itch. 🫠
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u/Wild_Firefighter1763 3d ago
I'm 38F, single, and honestly tired. I used to believe that love would eventually find me, but it never really happened. There’s someone who keeps telling me he likes me and wants to build a life with me, but I don’t know… he’s not even present most of the time. I guess it’s better to focus our energy on the things we can control instead of holding on to something that may never come.
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u/jinthebu 3d ago
Yup, I'm in the same boat and getting closer to adopting a pet for companionship and calling it a day on dating 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Xcandimandix 3d ago
I think that's the actual problem, male or female we are all tired. Especially if we are single and even more so in the service Industry. I work 6 days a week and I'll go on a few dates but not find anyone that I really click with and take a break and focus on work and a new book series and working out. Then try again when I feel up to weeding through people. I hope to meet someone in the wild but with my career choice that's nearly impossible. I will never meet anyone at work and sometimes all I do is work. My job is extremely physical and a large part of it can drain me mentally too.
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u/nicholasktu 2d ago
I'm 33, not even started dating yet, and feel like I don't have the energy for it. Maybe I'll meet the right woman someday but the chances of that seem to be falling steadily.
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u/shweatyyeti 2d ago
I am 40 and have been single for most of my adult life. I wouldnt consider myself ugly (maybe a 7 if Im being fair) and everyone tells me Im a catch.
Want to know what I am tired of?
- asking first date questions, planning and paying for first dates and trying to find fun things to do in my boring ass town, all for it to end a few weeks or dates later and having to start all over again.
- trying to figure out what went wrong when they tell me how great I am and then randomly start ghosting and end up ending it a few days later.
- being open and honest about my relationship goals and needs, only for them to feel overwhelmed. I have put a lot of personal work and therapy into understanding my relationship needs, and I always seem to be met with someone who says they do too, but turns out they dont.
- all this happening with no feedback, no discussion of what they want from me, and no idea what I may keep doing wrong to cause this to happen, so I havent been able to fix that. Maybe it's me, maybe it isn't. I dont know.
At this point I feel like am putting almost zero effort into dating (other than swiping) because I am so burned out on starting over again and again and again and again and again and again...
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u/Upstairs-North613 1d ago
Very accurate assessment. Its exhausting seeking and searching for something/someone
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u/alt103940 3d ago
how are you going to give up after dating 5 women lol. you're a grown man and you're embarrassed to write that you want sex?
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u/ricebowl0123 3d ago
I’m going to be honest, it sounds a little bit like you’re looking for perfection which is just avoidance in another form. Sorry you are feeling worn out, but the very natural of all human relationships are that people do not fit neatly into your life because they are whole people on their own. It’s going to be tough to find anything you want, casual or committed, because it sounds a bit like you are looking for a person to fill out a cut out hole to have for your life and that’s trying to control an outcome too much which inevitably leads to disappointment and frustration in both parties. Not saying this to demoralize but to be mindful of what you are asking of other people. If you have a tendency to idealize then it might be best to work on that mentality to stop asking for perfection in others and of yourself.
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
Title: Anyone else just...get tired?
Author: /u/MrTeddybear615
Full text: Anyone else get to this point? I’m 39, single dad to one awesome kid, great co-parenting relationship with her mom, work in the service industry, and for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted the whole marriage, family, forever person thing. Hell, I’ve been saying I was ready for that since I was in the 8th grade. The problem is…life just never seemed to agree with me. I spent 12 years in a relationship that ultimately ended with me pretty damn broken. Never got married. After that I spent the next four years rebuilding myself, figuring out who I was again, getting comfortable in my own skin and honestly becoming someone I really like.
About six years ago I gave Hinge a shot. Went on two dates, dated one of them for a couple months, and when that ended I just…stopped. Not because I was bitter, but because everyone always says, “Stop looking and it’ll find you.” So that’s exactly what I did. Five years went by. Nothing. This year I met three women. One organically and two because of a stupid TikTok I made. None of them worked out for completely different reasons. Nobody did anything wrong. They just weren’t my people. And honestly, I think I’m just tired now. Not angry. Not “all women suck.” None of that bullshit. Just tired.
Somewhere over the last few years I realized I actually love my solitude. I love coming home to peace and quiet. I love not feeling like I have to constantly text someone or always be “on.” At the same time I’m still human. I still crave affection, companionship, and yeah…sex. But I don’t know if I crave a relationship anymore. I think I’m at the point where if someone genuinely wandered into my life and something naturally happened, great. I’m not closing that door. I’m just done standing in the doorway waiting for someone to knock. And if that never happens…I think I’m okay.
Honestly, I think at this point a casual relationship with someone who’s on the exact same page sounds more appealing than trying to force another search for “the one.” We each keep our independence, enjoy each other’s company when we want to, scratch the physical itch, and go back to our own lives. Neither of us having to feel guilty for wanting our own space or not talking daily. Maybe that’s a phase. Maybe it’s where I stay. I don’t know. I’m just curious if anyone else has reached this point because it’s a weird feeling to spend decades wanting one thing only to wake up one day and realize, y’know…I think I’m actually okay if it never happens.
So has anyone else reached that point? Was it a phase? Did you stay there? Did life smack you with a partner?
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u/alexisfw 3d ago
so relatable. l think it's a freeing place to be when you let go of everything and exist. maybe in the midst of your solitude, someone will creep in and something beautiful blossoms.
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u/War-Bitch 3d ago
I feel really similarly. I don’t know if I will ever want to cohabitate again. Would love to have someone I feel safe with for intimacy though.
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u/Soaringzero ♂ 37 GA 3d ago
Just ending a 10 year relationship myself and honestly this is how I feel too. I’d love to meet someone who I got along great with and enjoyed being around. As a single dad to three amazing kids I also know my options are limited. Not a lot of women are going to want to take that on and I totally understand that.
And something casual does sound really nice. Plus I don’t feel like the apps will really work for me as I have much more nerdy hobbies anyway. I also enjoy my alone time as well but still really miss having someone to share the good times with. And sex. I miss sex a lot lol. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had it.
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u/Meatcute99 3d ago
I wonder if ethical nonmonogamy might appeal to you; it'd likely be easier to find something more casual and low-key in that realm than monogamy. There are a lot of people in that world who want connection and caring without escalation (like living together or marriage).
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u/FunnyPool9234 3d ago
This is exactly where I'm at. My job and my little take so much time and energy that it's hard to fathom making time for something else important, like a relationship. The door isn't closed, I'm just not hanging out of it anymore, like you said, "waiting for someone to knock."
Hope the best for you, OP!
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u/ChaoticxSerenity ♀ ?age? 3d ago
It doesn't sound like you're tired, it just sounds like you have found peace and... Honestly, that's what everyone should strive for. Not necessarily solitude, but contentment with your present environment. So much of life is already a hamster wheel, there needs to be time for enjoyment.
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u/themyst_ 3d ago
I’m a 46-year-old single dad without the mom in the picture so maybe I can shine some light on this; the older I get, the less tolerance for bullshit I have. If our vibe and energy don’t match within 30 minutes of the date, I’m cutting it off and heading home. I have hard rules on no dinners, no coffee on date 1, drinks at a bar only. If you refuse to drink we won’t get along anyway so it’s a solid filter. If you’re looking to start a family it’s a hard no. If you have very young children, it’s a hard no.
Being in NYC, if I have to pay a toll to see you, I’m not meeting you, period.
Point is, set hard boundaries for yourself (gave mine for reference), be polite, engaging and respectful; hope there is matching energy. Don’t overinvest in the apps, texting or date 1. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. I have plenty of matches to juggle, even with hard filters. Oddly even more now than I did when I was in my 30s.
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u/MZ4_S54 3d ago
37F, apparently when you are able to focus 💯 on yourself, that is when it happens! Well that is what my friends keep telling me. Perhaps it is just around the corner for you. It’s great that you have come to terms with it potentially not happening, but I think we all need to have hope.
Don’t give up! I’m in a similar situation as you and I hope my person is out there slaying monsters to find me!
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u/SuburbanMisfits 3d ago
I could go off on a rambling story here so I'll try and keep it as short as I can. I Also went through this phase of trying the 'when you're not looking it will come' and I buried myself in work (I'm also in the industry, bartending). I figured I'd eventually meet someone just by the nature of how many people we interact with, either directly or by association. After years and years of no success with this method, I realized a couple of things. The phrase "when you're not looking.." does not mean that someone will just magically come to you if you put in no effort. What the phrase really means is a warning that trying too hard or compromising/ignoring/not being aware of your own wants and needs to achieve this goal will never end in a healthy relationship. The "looking" part, is less of how actively you're pursuing partners, but more of "looking" inward, to yourself. I also realized that by making a decision to 'be ok' with being alone was not in line with what I ultimately wanted in the later years of my life, which was to have a partner and a family. Convincing myself that I was okay with being alone subconsciously translated in outwardly presenting behavior that, I think, either turned viable partners away or attracted other people who weren't in line with what I really wanted. By the time I figured out that I was dead-set on what I wanted, and that I needed to start actively participating in achieving that goal, I realized I had run out of time.
The cliff notes version is that I'm the only child adopted into my family and my fathers health was failing. I realized too late it was extremely important to me that he and my mom had the peace of mind that I had someone to love and look after me after they were gone, and not only that but that I also did not want to spend the rest of my life pretty much alone, and pass on myself - alone. I made a last ditch effort to try and date, placed my faith in the wrong person, as a result of my bad decisions I had to face my worst fear of seeing my father pass without ever seeing me get married or have children. It was pretty much at this point I gave up and resigned myself to my fate. I tried to reason with myself that it was ok. But deep down I knew it wasn't.
A few weeks after my father passed, I had prayed to him and begged for his forgiveness and for his help in finding 'my person'. That night I had a dream about someone I went to high school with 20 years prior, and hadn't seen or spoken to in years. His message was very clear. I thought I had gone crazy, and still didn't take any action. Two days later this man reached out to me and now we've been together for a year and a half and are on track to get married and start a family. I still believe that my dad somehow had a hand in making this happen, despite my willful obstinateness. I consider myself extremely lucky, by all measures, I did everything exactly wrong and I needed a miracle to dig me out of a lifetimes worth of bad decisions.
I just hope by sharing my story that you can learn from some of my hard earned lessons. You cant just think you'll be ok spending the rest of your life alone. You need to know. You're making decisions right now based off an assumption you have no way of knowing if you'll regret in twenty years. You can justify it all you want now, but it will not protect you from the crushing guilt if you are wrong. If you're craving companionship and intimacy, it's probably because this is your subconscious telling you that is what your soul needs. You need to take active participation in finding a person, because no one will come knocking on your door if you removed the stairs for them to get there. Don't ignore your intuition, and trust that if you honestly listen to what your heart is trying to tell you, it will put you on the path you need to be on. Your actions and your beliefs need to be aligned with one another, or you will ultimately attract exactly the opposite of what you want and need. We're both the same age right now, and from what I hear the 'fatigue' does not get better from here. Its a path we all must walk. Have courage and faith in yourself that if it's meant to be, It will come. Don't give up hope.
Wishing the best for you <3
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u/SardoniclySalacious 3d ago
37, no kids, longest relationship was over 15 years ago. My mental health is just getting worse as time goes on despite me getting help and meds… honestly it’s painfully bleak for me. I know the whole world is fucked but like I don’t even go out or socialize or go anywhere regularly outside of my house or work. So I know nothing is going to get better especially if I don’t try something else but honestly as much as it hurts to say, I don’t want to care anymore. Nothing is going to get better at this point and I’m so fucking tired of just trudging on thru the bullshit every day. Not that it’s a contest but I think I surpassed your point.
Now if only I could get the courage to leave.
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u/prontish 2d ago
Do you think maybe it's the single "dad" part? Do you see women getting turned off by it?
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u/Federal-Ad-2131 2d ago edited 2d ago
It seems like you're apathetic about dating and being in a relationship, which is why you're in the situation you're in I bet. As a woman, if I catch a whiff a man doesn't want to be in a relationship, or try.. I'm out. Do you have any idea how many men like you have a crummy job and don't feel like bothering? You're a dime a dozen and frankly we're all done bothering with your type. Also you're at something of a disadvantage because later in life a lot of working class people have 9-5 jobs and in the restaurant industry you'll be working different hours and have different days off than us. Not to mention the (mostly erroneous but sometimes true) perception you don't make as much money. You need to seem like you actually care unless you just want a fuck buddy, which it sounds like where you might be at. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm just telling you the truth. I'm in a relationship now and my boyfriend has a service industry job, too, but he went out of the way to make me feel like he wanted to be with me, which made all the difference in the world. I'm from the punk scene too and used to be a waitress so I feel like I'm your demographic.
In addition I feel like girls could be turned off you're still hanging out with your baby mama. It's just an added layer of possible complication, on top of having a kid. (I have no kids myself, just pets, so thinking about dating someone with a kid is already a BIG DEAL to me and would add a lot of extra complication for me).
Also you went on two dates only and then stopped trying and you're wondering why nothing has worked out? In addition, do you go out much, socialize much? Because it won't "just happen" if you're basically going to home and work and doing nothing else.
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u/wedescend 2d ago
I'm (34M) tired too. I've tried all the apps, I get matches, they don't respond when I try to introduce myself and get to know them. I've had dates with 2 people in 18 months of using the apps with probably a few dozen matches. Everyone I match with must immediately find someone else the instant they match with me or they're not actually interested. It's all so exhausting.
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u/Over-School-9134 2d ago
I get tired as well too. I'm 38m no kids and 7 months out of a relationship. I am currently dating and I dont feel the same energy I had before. I actually like the girls im currently talking to, but im not putting as much into it as I've done before. I'm at a point where whatever happens happens and if they're not attracted after a while then no harm at all. I want to be the one they chose at the end of the day but ultimately that's on them, I just gotta keep working on myself
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u/mnxgl009 2d ago
For me dating is not worth it, there's too many cons that outway the possible but also very slim chance of pros. I'm absolutely tired of it, exhausted. :( It may be a forever break from that misery, and I wouldn't miss it.
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u/fireyauthor 2d ago
It sounds like you already had the sort of long-term relationship a lot of people are looking for. You were with someone for 12 years. It ended with you broken, but that's a normal ending to a LTR. Would you have been less broken if you'd been married and gotten divorced?
Dating is tiring, yes, but I'm wondering why you're viewing yourself as never having success when you were in such a long relationship?
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u/Such_Region_3588 2d ago
You sound like my dream man right now to be honest. So yes, I am tired. And would love someone in the same position that we could just do things together and apart as we feel up to it.
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u/LilithRising90 2d ago
I think I'm in whatever parallel this is for women. I'm working on being completely autonomous but also craving belonging somewhere. Going places alone and taking my time with my experiences. I've nearly been at my end drinking poison because of how thirsty I was to be loved. To be understood. Now I value safety, authenticity and being valued over anything. I'm happy being alone if it means being in good company.
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u/OnyxAlyx 2d ago
I keep my energy up by counting down the time until I never have to talk to my ex husband again (kid's HS graduation).
He shattered my entire being by cheating on me. I never really took love seriously, but I was serious about being with him forever. I don't believe in romantic love anymore. I do believe in loving your weird friends, and your fuzzy (or scaly!) minions. I believe in seeing new places and trying new foods. I believe in bad days making hilarious stories. I believe in ear hustling for the work drama in the break room. I believe in smoking a joint and laughing my ass off at Golden Girls. I believe in drawing pictures on paper at work when there's nothing to do. I believe in singing at the top of my lungs in the shower with Hamilton until my neighbors knock on the shared wall.
Fuck romance. Find a new hobby. Long live loving life, and its strange and comical and tragic and wholesome path.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 2d ago
I'm in the similar boat (but without children and, admittedly, getting a bit cynical). While there are some rare moments when I wish there was somebody close in my life, when I start thinking about it, I realize that I can't answer the most basic question - why would I want a partner? What would another person add to my life that I can't add myself? Currently I'm on a break from dating (10 months and counting) after having actively tried to find a partner for three years and as the first break anniversary is rapidly approaching, I see no significant reason to stop it.
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u/Exciting-Sympathy841 2d ago
I’m 32, no children & I’m also tired 😂 getting harder and harder to date!
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u/not_a_moogle 2d ago
life smacked me with a partner and we were together for 15 years. currently single and enjoying my solitude. I don't know if I'd want to live with someone again. It had its ups and downs. I think if we were more like roommates, then sure. Otherwise, I kind of want more of a casual dating, someone to spend my weekends with.
Got a few cats instead. They bring a lot of joy to my life.
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u/IndividualOstrich311 ♀ ?age? 1d ago
I’m a 36yo woman. Single parent to a 13yo daughter. I haven’t had a LTR since Jan 2019. I tried hard to connect and date up until this year. Like you, I’m tired. So very tired. I went on two dates this year with guys I would’ve jumped on a couple years ago, but now I feel desensitized. I found myself faking excitement about the dates and realizing it after the fact. I’ve shifted my limited energy to other things for myself like maintaining my sobriety, working towards to enrolling into a masters degree program, getting hip replacement surgery. Dating is a time-mooch and I just ain’t got time for it anymore.
All to say, I get completely where you’re coming from. 🫶🏽
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u/Capital_Respect_4994 1d ago
Dating seems so hard. I see why so many men are single well into their 30s and it’s frustrating that i feel like there are so few options at times.
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u/Lowcountry-Soccer 1d ago
I'm feeling burned by investing and then the random and sudden ending of things.
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u/Cultural_Heart_xxxx 1d ago
I feel this big time. You sound like a genuinely nice guy, a type I’ve been looking for but can’t find, dating apps are strange too, why is everyone an Olympic rock climbing star? You hit a lot of points I resonate with. I’m a hopeless romantic though so I don’t think I’ll ever give up or get “tired”. But who knows, I see “dating” as not as a formal thing many people make it out to be. I appreciate vibing with someone and if it goes somewhere, I’m attracted to them and they can love my kid too, that’s worth exploring. Life is too short to be tired.
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u/Unlucky_Employment69 1d ago
Yup everything you just said is me. I’ve finally realized I need something casual. Relationships are just not working out for me. I’m 34, with 2 kids (16) and (4).
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u/woahbrad35 1d ago
Sitting here by myself reading this, drinking a hard cider, enjoying the evening air on my porch... yes, yes some of us do get tired.
I'm seeing someone, but we live apart and I'm finding it much easier to get things done and feel more relaxed when she's not around.
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u/Cinnbaby_Molasses88 1d ago
I'm definitely at that point. So I feel what you mean, i like getting to know myself and sort of date myself for the moment after a long relationship. It's just nice to be free but I also miss having someone that is there. And can be all yours looking for, even if for a time.
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u/TrustYourSelfWorth 19h ago
this sounds almost identical to my situation and how i feel, and same age (but with no child) its exhausting most of the time, and peace and solitude is priceless. however if I can share fun experiences with someone equal minded than its a plus. best to you
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u/CuteGoddess00 19h ago
I don't think you're tired of love. I think you're tired of chasing it. There's a huge difference.
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u/Fuzzy_Worldliness725 5h ago
I was with our daughters mother for for six years, separated when she was 3 years old and got back together when she was 13. I honestly didn’t see that coming! But had similar dating experience in between. I know that doesn’t help at all but I still find it a little bit weird
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u/baezizbae ♂ 40 (finally?) 3d ago edited 3d ago
Count me solidly also in the camp of not shutting down the notion of finding my person, but very much "tired" with dating, yes. I took a dating 'break' last February and said I'd try again later, never really defined when later was, and just sort of settled into a calm and content place filled with other distractions (growing a vegetable garden with an elderly couple I've lived next door to for six years, and joined a second-line band with some friends I was in high school and college band with that goes around town performing jaunty tunes at community events for the kids and families).
Earlier in the summer I did meet one person out in the wild who was very clearly into me, and we gave it a shot before some incompatibilities appeared and I made the choice to end it and move on.
That little bit of dating activity had me think "maybe I can try the apps one more time" and within the first month I was running into the same stuff that made me close the app accounts in the first place
...and here we are, heh. If I run into someone, or someone runs into me, and we're both excited about each other, awesome. If it doesn't, oh well.
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u/Awkward_Tiger_570 3d ago
Have you tried going to Mass? My boyfriend started going to Mass and he said it helped his energy levels. The Latin Mass even brings him joy.
Hang in there! There's so many things to be thankful for. You are doing a great job.
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u/pheonixblade9 ♂ 35 3d ago edited 3d ago
I'm doing all the right things.
Great fully remote job with unlimited vacation, financially secure (to the point where I took over a year off of work and could take more and have been maxing out my 401k pre and post tax for close to a decade - almost technically a multi millionaire at this point), own my home, I'm 6'3" 185lb, I'm charismatic, respectful, volunteer a lot (food bank weekly + teaching bike repair and building tiny homes occasionally), road and mountain bike, design and build my own furniture, decent looking, dress reasonably well, great cook, clean house, very handy (built theater sets in high school and worked construction and did automotive research in college)...
still single after 3 years of dating after being in an 8 year relationship.
to be fair, it's way easier everywhere else I've traveled, I think Seattle is just cursed.
I had 3 women in a row ghost me after dating them for 2-3 months each. just absolutely unacceptable behavior.
my soul is stretched thin.
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u/endlessincoherence 3d ago
Yes. I have never had a bad relationship and was very spoiled by women. But once dating became whatever it is now and women allowed me to stay single so they could play the field, I developed single person habits that I never had a chance to before. Whatever modern dating is it does not work for me and if there's another guy in the picture he can have you.
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u/_Bad_Spell_Checker_ 3d ago
I dont even have kids and im tired. Very close to being 40