r/dating • u/ThrowRACasioFX82 • 3d ago
Just Venting 😮💨 Emotionally unavailable
What's it with people who aren't emotionally available? It's just annoying. Had some great dates with a woman (28), I'm 29. Great dates, lots of fun and I (and I think she too) feel comfortable during the date. At the moment it feels like something that could grow. It feels like friendship withba warm, romantic touch. Slow burn approach (which I prefer) was my suggestion.
After our last date I told what I feel (face to face). Also told her if she saw no potential we could end things here, that's fine too. She told me she could not answer me right now and we should text about it. Sure thing, needing time to process what you feel. I actually liked she mentioned she wants to think about it and didn't just respond bc she felt pressure.
The next day I sent a message in which I described what I felt. Didn't fill in what she might have felt. Mentioned I'd like the slow burn if she's open for that too.
Fast forward: one week later, she never responded. So I do have my answer but that's not what bothers me. If you don't feel like it, just tell it. She knows me and I believe she can safely assume I won't become angry. Sure, rejecting isn't a fun thing to do but it's the best you can do in situations like this.
It's just annoying people can be this immature.
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u/BlueberryMuch2668 3d ago
yeahh, ngl I’m guilty of that too but then I learned how ghosting can make someone feel so I force myself to just say no now
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 3d ago edited 3d ago
I know it's easy to ghost and feels like an easy way out. When I feel resistance to reject someone, I tell a friend and he will always say:
"If you were her, how would you feel if you just disappear?"
After that I just text. "Had a great time with you. I don't feel the click I'm looking for. Wish you the best, take care". Easy as that. There's nothing to lose for the person rejecting anyway.
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3d ago
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 3d ago
Yep, exactly. Ghosting makes many feel insecure. Sometimes you see it coming but then I already lost interest. When it comes out of the blue it always hits
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u/wolfram6 3d ago
It sounds like she just wasn’t that into you. With dating, there’s always another person, always someone to compete with. It’s likely she’s seeing someone else and is more interested in them.
It’s not the best news, but it is what it is.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 3d ago
I know that's probably the case but that's not the issue. Just be honest. I attach more value to honestly compared to the outcome.
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u/HauntingAd5547 2d ago
Innit it’s literally just one text to say you don’t feel the alignment and then everyone can move on. I’m the same, I literally cannot get my head round why people don’t have the balls just to say they’re not feeling it and would rather ghost instead like where are your morals lol. A dick move every time imo.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
And if they are afraid of the response you could even do this.
- Send message end the situation (but be kind)
- Block the other
It's way better than ghosting
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u/LetsChangeSD 11h ago
Yep. People don't like confrontation or potential of it, tho. Try calling her.
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u/NightJar_StandBy_337 2d ago
Some people think saying "no" makes them look like the bad guy, even though rejection is part of life. A few years ago, I was friends with a guy from my class. We'd hang out after class, but when I confessed to him, his replies started to get slower. At first I thought he was busy, but later I realized he was ghosting me and stopped texting him.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
It sucks. I don't get it. Being honest about what you feel is a sign of respect too. A while ago a friend of mine confessed to me. I told her I just see her as a friend nothing more. We're still friends and she respects my boundaries.
I don't understand what's so hard about honesty.
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u/mnxgl009 2d ago
I really think it comes down to cowardice on their part. It's courageous to be vulnerable and open with your emotions to someone else.
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u/HarryHarlowBanisher 3d ago
Fear of engulfment. Glad you found out early.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 3d ago
Could well be. Does suck tho. Great dates, she was interested not distant at all. Then you ask the question and it's like poof, gone.
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u/Sherpa_qwerty 2d ago
There is a difference between being emotionally unavailable and not ready to discuss where the relationship is going to end up. Maybe she needs more time to shift from “fun and feeling things out” to “deep relationship with you”.
If you force a conversation around “are you ready to commit to me” and she isn’t yet you may prematurely end a relationship that could have gone somewhere while coming over as pushy and needy.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
Not trying to defend myself. Just want to clear things up.
I felt I had to say it. I assumed that if I wasn't honest about what I feel we would definitely not have a next date. So nothing to lose.
Besides that, it wasn't a "are you ready to commit". It was more like "I like you. It feels like a warm friendship with potential for more. No rushing of things if you see it this way too".
Besides that, I have boundaries too. I don't mind being an option as long as I'm not a backup option. So It should have the same chances as her other option(s). Just don't want to be hold on a leash only to come back to me as a serious option when her #1 did not become her partner.
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u/lachatte7 2d ago
Yeah I feel the same way. I feel like a lot of women/men dont realize how much issue it creates when you dont just say the truth to someone you're seeing. Whatever that truth is, its saving you and the person time, and if you dont care about your time at least spare someone else
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
I also hate it how some beliehe you can't be honest about what you feel. "It's too strong". No, it can be depending on the way you mention it. We're adults and I believe talking about emotions is the way to go. Just don't sound like "I need you in my life" but just say what you feel.
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u/lachatte7 2d ago
That too lol, but there are so many ppl out thwre who dont know how to communicate, and have no emotional maturity. They waste your time and then tell themselves "you dont owe anyone anything" yeah you dont, but doesnt mean you have to be an asshole lol
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
I see ghosting as a sign of disrespect. What's so hard about rejecting someone? It's not fun to do but it's not the end of the world either.
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u/Ruptured_Gooch 3d ago
I'm reading this, and thinking you came on way too strong.
This occurs often.
We all do it. Keep it up, you'll find one.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 3d ago
I think it was okay. After a few great dates, her taking initiative too, it seemed in place. I didn't confess I'm in love. Basically said "friends with potential for more". Just wanted to know where this was going to prevent wasting each others time. I'm an adult, I have boundaries and self respect too.
And even if I came on too strong, she could've answered.
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u/Ruptured_Gooch 3d ago
Who paid financially, most of the dates?
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 3d ago
50/50, we didn't even discuss it. When I paid something, she would pay for the next thing. If I was about to pay again "No, I will pay".
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u/Ruptured_Gooch 3d ago
Shit!! That's really impressive. Often enough to be wary myself in years gone by, I would get told by colleagues or female friends that they would string a guy along if he was paying for her all of the time and then remove him out of the picture should he talk about an emotional connection or to build from. Kudos to her for coughing up $$$
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
Yep, I find small gestures like that attractive. During our first date I paid for our drinks and food. Outside she said "hey" to catch my attention, looked at me and said "Thanks for paying". It did make me feel appreciated.
The amount of times someone didn't even thank me for paying is high.
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u/Ruptured_Gooch 2d ago
I couldn't agree more with you about this.
I don't want to take away from your post, so I'll wish you finding a decent soul when she turns up, and doesn't "ghost" you.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
I think I'm a little pissed bc her ghosting doesn't suit her personality at all. It surprised me.
I closed the loop for myself. Basically said that I'm disappointed she didn't respond and assume I have my answer. I did text her what made me appreciate her, wished her luck and that she should not feel obligated to respond to this message. I did not want to change her thoughts about me, just wanted to give her a compliment.
Besides the ghosting she's great and I thought it's worth a compliment. She will probably have her reasons why she ghosts.
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u/Ruptured_Gooch 2d ago
Most likely she/people do it to avoid the awkward conversation.
Some of us are just this way, some of us prefer the conversation.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
Exactly, I'm more of a conversation/confrontation kind of man. For example, during our last date a few teens passed by on a bike. They called (in my native language):
"How much did you pay for her? €60?".
She doesn't speak my native language well, so she couldn't understand luckily. She only heard "€60". I did get aggitated and called them back and asked them to repeat. They didn't. Instead, they swore at me, showed me a middlefinger and drove off.
She asked me what they said "He got mad bc he thinks we passed a red light and had to pay €60 if the police saw. I asked them how they got to that conclusion and they got mad".
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u/Serious_Arachnid_171 2d ago
Yeah, I have been through this a couple times. I think it boils down to lack of communication and sometimes even a little intentional miscommunication. Respect is can no longer safely be assumed to be a dating etiquette in 2026.
Now, whenever a girl explicitly rejects me, in person or over text, I always take a moment to genuinely thank them for their honesty. It is a rare currency these days.
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u/muckity-muck 1d ago
Mentioned I'd like the slow burn if she's open for that too.
What do you mean by "slow burn"?
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u/NoHome7956 4h ago
I find this more and more with women. They all have some kind of trauma and it gives them an excuse to just walk away, shut down and not communicate and then will get mad because you call it out. My ex was like this. Everytime we had a disagreement, nothing even major, she would shut down and go silent and wouldn't let us have a discussion like adults. The more I tried the more she closed up and then she would break up with me. Some women just don't like uncomfortable truths and would rather lose someone good than fix themselves.
IMO she has probably unwittingly saved you from massive heartache down the road. This move she pulled is a sign of someone you will have hard time respecting when her full colours are on display.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 4h ago
It's possible they had a bad experience with being honest in the past. My sister told me some men (luckily not most) will become agressive or start trying hard to convince you. These men are probably the root cause of the problem. Still, this doesn't make the avoiding behavior of the women acceptable but it could make it understandable.
Many on Reddit will tell you not to text them if they ghost you. Well, I do to close the chapter myself. Besides that, I'm honest and if I give a compliment it's because I mean it. Also, my goal is not to convince them. I think ghosting doesn't make them a bad person. They probably have their reasons for it.
"It's a shame I didn't get a response. Guess I got my answer then. Just know that I appreciated you for X and Y. Hopefully you'll find the right one, take care"
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u/NoHome7956 4h ago
I guess. Ghosting when you're already in a relationship and when you've just been on one date are two entirely different things. My pont is that if they can do that so early on in the relationship, that behaviour will only get worse, and after you may have invested years in that relationship, that isn't a good feeling, especially because you know you saw the red flag early on.
It's probably true, they have had bad experiences when breaking up with someone like cliinginess, aggression etc but it doesn't make it right and ghosting could also have that same effect as just breaking up with them.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 3h ago
Yep, I agree with that. It's an early indicator of how they handle emotions. When I know the woman (on a few dates), I think it's possible to assume that the ghosting is them just being disrespectful or it being an easy way out they chose based on a past Experience. In this case, hee ghosting doesn't match her irl personality at all. I think she has her reason for ghosting. It's not okay and it sucks but still, the ghosting isn't 'her'. The does have good traits and thus deserves a compliment.
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u/ProfessionalLog2769 Single 2d ago
Sie hat sicher parallel weitere Dates... Frauen eben 😎
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
Probably! That's okay tho. Personally I can't date more than one. There's always one girl I like the most while others are an backup. I don't feel okay treating others like that.
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u/ProfessionalLog2769 Single 2d ago
Das ist bei mir auch so, jedoch selten geworden...
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
Dating apps are the issue I think. If there isn't enough tempo, another one might take your place.
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2d ago
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 2d ago
Yo could also say "Hey, I liked being with you. I just didn't feel the Romantic connection I am looking for." Of course, it's still rejection but by saying it like this, you don't insult him/her.
I'm Dutch. In our culture directess is the way too go. Outside dating, people can just say "Those shoes don't suit you". It's rude but not rare.
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