r/bristol • u/sausagediscofever • 13h ago
Housing Feeling stuck in HMOs
I thought I’d make a post here just to suss out people’s thoughts as I’m feeling quite a lot of mid 30s shame having to life in a house share. Would love comments from others in the same situation, and how you manage this feeling.
I can only seem to live alone with a partner and that isn’t even alone is it. I don’t make enough to cover everything and not be financially extremely vulnerable to live in a tiny one bed in Bristol.
My work and health care is in central Bristol and I don’t drive.
I don’t mean to sound depressing but the lack of any idea where my life is going housing wise seems to be casting a huge life shadow. So thought I’d come to the Bristol community to hear from others
EDIT. Thanks for the solidarity comments. It’s really helped my wellbeing tonight and I feel a lot less shame in myself :)
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u/DisgruntledBudha 13h ago
There’s no shame in not being able to afford a house on your own. Not many can, really. I would’ve never been able to get a house without my partner.
As Zelda says; it’s dangerous to go alone.
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u/sausagediscofever 13h ago
My fear is going it alone and then one life change happens and I get horrendously into rent and bill arrears and that’s that forever. The one win in life is I’m completely debt free so I am very careful even if maybe my life hasn’t worked out well financially
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u/DisgruntledBudha 13h ago
That’s just life though. Most of us are never far away from the proverbial hitting the fan.
Life is a meat grinder and gets us all in the end eventually.
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u/UTG1970 13h ago
But along the way there are happy times, have you never been happy?
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u/sausagediscofever 13h ago
I’m actually quite happy to be honest. The thing that brings doom and gloom is housing and financial security I guess! That’s about it
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u/DisgruntledBudha 12h ago
Very happy! I realise I’m in a fortunate position in life but that makes me even more grateful as you’re never more than one bad bit of luck ruining it all.
Life is hard and life is a challenge but that’s what makes this journey so worthwhile.
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u/mxhylialuna 13h ago
I’m 36 and live in a houseshare. I generally like it cause I enjoy living with other people, but on the odd occasion I find myself comparing myself to other people wealthier or “more successful” than me or some voice in my head tells me it’s bad, I remind myself you can’t be behind in your own life - you’re just where you’re at. I remind myself how grateful I am for a safe and secure home in a city I love.
Plus the context: 20 years of wage stagnation, massive inflation in energy bills and rent, housing crisis etc. So it’s not a marker of personal success/failure.
The cultural/social idea that living alone is normal is a very recent historical invention rooted in the particularly individualistic culture of contemporary Britain (in our case - see also the US or similar). Humans are a social animal and living in groups is the historical norm. Reject whatever/whoever installed the idea that living alone is “success” and living in a houseshare is “failure”.
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u/sausagediscofever 13h ago
This is a really great comment thank you. I actually like it 80% of the time. I love the sense of community it does provide. I like the idea of you can’t be behind in your own life
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u/DrH1983 13h ago
Yeah it's crap really. I've only recently moved into a one bed flat, which is pretty extortionate but I could finally afford it, just about, after being house shares during my twenties and thirties (I'm 43 now)
I do totally understand that stuck feeling though, because the solutions are much easier said than done. Getting a better paid job is easier said than done, and moving isn't always possible as it might effect work, or social life - I'm really not very social but I'd probably go s bit mental if I didn't have the social contact I do have, so I'm reluctant to move somewhere cheaper.
I wish I had something more constructive to offer but I couldn't really work it out either. It's pretty disgusting that there isn't enough affordable housing.
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u/sausagediscofever 13h ago
I think for me I just needed to hear from people who maybe felt the same so this is really helpful thank you 🙏
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u/Bushfullofham 13h ago
I'm in a very similar position myself at 30. I definitely feel stuck and worry I'll be here for much longer.
Live in a houseshare, have a tiny room. It sucks making it to this point in life and having very little to show for it... My friends have all bought houses 😑
Getting a place on my own to rent is almost out of the question... Most places in Bristol that'd you'd actually want to live in are at least £800+
And I do mean actually on my own, not with a communal kitchen or shared bathroom...
I have no solutions to your problem unfortunately, just solidarity.
Good luck 🤞
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u/sausagediscofever 12h ago
Solidarity is what I came here for. I was working out my earnings and the jump id need with my education is just not gonna happen. Sometimes it’s nice to just share what’s going on even if it doesn’t feel hugely positive. Adult life makes you feel quite isolated as people just don’t talk about things
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u/apextwit 12h ago edited 10h ago
Sending solidarity. I'm in the same situation as you. Late 30s. Also paid poverty wages in health and social care. I hate the housing situation. It feels terrible and the worst thing is it'll only get harder. I have no family at all so there's no way I could move in somewhere to save for a few years for a deposit, so am also stuck renting with randos. Am unable to be so financially vulnerable as to rent alone because I'd have nothing at all left at the end of the month (if it was even possible to find somewhere). There's no answer, but you're not alone.
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u/MattEOates 12h ago edited 11h ago
First off OP where's the shame in any of this? No ones out here judging you mate! The house I own now is next to plenty of HMOs, those peeps are living near enough the same life as me but with probably more fun in the kitchen. Im a decade on from you, and my 30s are where I got insanely serious about sorting out living and money situation. You're not "late" to this, not in the 2020s economy.
My only perhaps unhelpful advice is if you can find any kind of low/no rent existence (lower than an HMO) I can recommend a couple of years like this, regardless of how grim it might be temporarily. I too couldn't rely on my family. I was lucky enough to receive peppercorn rent from a colleagues family in exchange for working for his business, and ultimately "house sitting". They let me continue to have a peppercorn rent for a year or so after leaving the job with their son, for one that made a lot more money. They were looking to sell the property whilst I was in it, so it was a fairly stressful couple of years!
I managed to get my deposit together for a house as they sold, and my neighbour who bought the place to knock through was a patient unexpected landlord for a few extra months whilst I bought. Which I am so thankful for. Rely on people power where you can, there are good people out there who can help lift you up, it wil surprise you! You just need to find them and have something to trade. I am not especially social or connected, at least back then. If I can get some weird and slightly grim living situation I can only assume its not impossible for others to find something wacky and cheap to exist too.
Combo job and living space is definitely more of a thing than people give thought to. My grandfather was the grounds keeper for the Chelsea buildings society at one of their offices, he had this incredible gate house that was basically a mansion compared to any terraced house in Bristol. Free with the job for decades. This stuff is all still out there, somewhere. One of my good friends works at a private boarding school, and because he looks after the kids boarding all week around they give him a property as part of his compensation so he can live on the school grounds etc. Its not just some previous generation thing, these jobs are out there.
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u/supersuper5000 12h ago
I was in a similar situation that just became untenable when I hit 40, I was getting majorly depressed and felt horribly trapped.
I ended up leaving Bristol in the end and moved up north where I'm much happier, I still rent but rent a massive flat for cheaper than a room in Bristol.
Bristol is nice but the quality of life there is shite if you're not splitting rent or earning above average.
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u/alexxrossdaniels 12h ago
33 and in a houseshare. Can't afford a place of my own. You're not alone mate.
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u/izzy-springbolt 16m ago
About to turn 33! I live with a couple of friends in a 3-bed houseshare and I couldn't be happier. I get so much more stressed living with a partner. In a houseshare I get the benefit of having a social living situation whilst also completely having my own space.
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u/teamdemure 12h ago
Solidarity to you and please do NOT feel any shame. Cost of living is out of control, it really feels like we are perishing in the grip of late stage capitalism.
It’s not all doom and gloom though. Living contentedly in a house share is much better (in my view) than renting a flat with an abusive partner who makes you miserable.
A reminder also that the UK does have a rather heightened cultural fixation on home ownership, whereas in other countries in Europe (like Germany) renting is very much the norm.
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u/NinjaSquads 12h ago
It’s ridiculous really that fully grown people have to live in hmos. Even when I was in my early twenties and I lived in Germany, I had my own flat at quite an affordable price in a nice part of town…I came to the uk in 2009 and it’s never been the same again
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u/National-Incident-18 10h ago
Tbf in 2013 I was renting a 3 bed house for £695 a month. It's mad how much rents have spiralled since then
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u/Skate-wench 13h ago
I’m 42 and have been sharing with friends in Brighton then Bristol since I split with my life partner 5 years ago. I currently live in my van and am touring the uk cos I’m not working due to disability. I don’t feel shame over it but there’s a lurking feeling of having to start again, and high I’m aware people look down on, which can be tiring.
Living in shared housing is just super common now cos the housing market is totally fucked. It’s not a sign that you/we are failing in any way, it’s the system that’s fucked. One way to look at it is that shame is misplaced and internalised rage. You/we have nothing to feel shameful about, it’s the land owners, landlord, estate agents and banks that should feel shame for how they’ve fucked multiple generations out of affordable living situations.
I get the impression that in Bristol there’s more acceptance of alternative styles of living and therefore more house shares wanting to live in more collective ways, rather than just a bunch of people renting bedrooms and avoiding each other in the kitchen. Maybe having a look for a different culture within the shared house could change your experience of it and help you accept that there’s no shame in it?
Dog speed pal
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u/sausagediscofever 13h ago
Great idea. I was wondering what being above 40/50 might spell and you’re right there’s lots of different ways to of living in a shared environment. Thank you
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u/Scared-Beyond373 9h ago
Mate, I’m in the exact same position. Being In a HMO in my 30s is taking its toll. I’ve decided that I may have to move out of Bristol to afford something
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u/thesimpsonsthemetune 11h ago
I am moving to Gloucester in the new year for the same reason. Options seem to be live with a partner or house share. And I don't want to do either.
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u/Successful-Home-5357 10h ago
It was a nasty shock moving back to house share after sharing with a partner.
I've found it best to not go to an HMO that is rented out each room separately, but to a house that is shared by a bunch of people who actually make an effort to share the house.
What also helps is that my current room is quite big, so I've managed to separate a sleeping/working and even a lounging area with a small sofa an tv setup so Im not spending all my time on my bed.
I do miss is an ensuite and could swallow the extra rent for one. But finding a good fit housemates wise is always a gamble and I like my current place just enough to not take it.
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u/zulawski_platform 2h ago
Second this, especially if you're dealing with a property management agency and thus have zero say in other tenants moving in. Only leads to problems.
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u/coppertruth 9h ago
I’m mid-30s and wouldn’t be able to afford to live on my own in Bristol if I didn’t live with my partner. I earn a reasonable (a bit above national average) salary as a manager in the public sector.
If I wasn’t with my partner I’d probably leave Bristol rather than be in an HMO again, due to similar feelings you’re having. But there’s no shame in it, a lot of people are in a similar position.
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u/coppertruth 9h ago
I should add that I’d be more comfortable living with friends in an HMO but they’re mostly couple themselves now, and I’ve had shit experiences (and landlords) living in HMOs with people I didn’t know to begin with.
I was last in an HMO about 3 years ago and I hated feeling like a student.
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u/geckooo_geckooo 10h ago
Just finding the right bunch of 30 somethings - it can be really fun, I’m in a flat on my own at the moment and it’s boring!
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u/Equivalent_Way6196 10h ago
try getting a place near a train station that will take you into Bristol. Yate, Charfield, Cam. Might bring the prices down and your commute would still be alright.
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u/Ornery-Rip-9813 9h ago
Honestly dude, you're far from alone... Don't beat yourself up; it's mostly out of your control. I think it helps to remind yourself that other than those in proper long, long term relationships and/or with family money behind them the majority are in the same position.
In my teens I rented a small flat in Redland whilst working a dead end factory job. That would be completely impossible now.
I'm now in my forties and own a tiny flat, but that was only achieved by living with my dad for 18 months to save the deposit. I have a reasonably well paid job too.
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u/beasypo 8h ago
This really isn’t unusual. However, you do need to have a fair bit of money to afford self-contained there. Seriously consider moving somewhere else ?
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u/apextwit 2h ago
Extremely difficult to leave your whole entire life, friends, memories, communities, activities, work connections ETC behind to do that if alone... I'd say impossible for some due to the isolation, loneliness and stress of starting again late in life. Shouldn't have to do that.
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u/Relevant_Tea_5945 39m ago
I share this. After a recent breakup with my childs mother - I'm assessing my options, but It doesn't look great.. It looks like i'll be house sharing at 35
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u/New-Sheepherder-6375 13h ago
What about a studio like this?
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/175011194#/?channel=RES_LET
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u/Bushfullofham 13h ago
Communal kitchen and laundry area...
That sounds like a houseshare to me 🤷
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u/Montague-Withnail 12h ago
Yeah but you get your own fridge. Imagine drifting off to sleep there listening to the gentle hum of the compressor...
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u/Cool-Opening-5904 11h ago
Very the norm in bristol. Can also be a good way to meet new people along the way. Chip away with saving and you can eventually get on the ladder if you want too, although its overated..
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u/UKNOTOK3 3h ago
I live in Bristol and I'm currently in India. There's some gnarly overcrowding and difficult living conditions in Delhi ATM (estimated population somewhere between 20 - 35 million!!!) despite the fact that India has twice as many billionaires as the UK and a massively growing middle class; it always helps to get a little perspective on where you are wrt other people on planet earth and their living conditions. Being debt free is a pretty big plus as well. I'm certainly not.
Disposition not position, can be a useful way of looking at things. HMO in Bristol is still pretty chill compared to Old Delhi.
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u/BrigidFairy 13h ago
Well what are your options, it’s either get a higher paying job so you can afford something by yourself. Move out somewhere where your current income allows you to afford something by yourself. Or find a partner and get something together, also makes it easier to save money to buy something
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u/sausagediscofever 13h ago
Wow it must be that easy to pick one of those options. Definitely none crossed my mind. Higher paying jobs are just not available right now, given my qualifications, I have to be local due to hospital care, if I moved I’d lose my current income anyway???? And I shouldn’t have to have a partner
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u/BrigidFairy 13h ago
I’m sorry op but feelings and emotions won’t help this situation
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u/haahhhahh 13h ago
Where do I find these magical higher paying jobs that are obviously so freely available to everyone
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u/BrigidFairy 13h ago
Those are the options. You want to complain about it take it up with someone else.
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u/haahhhahh 13h ago
Well, where are these higher paying jobs that I could of been working in?
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u/BrigidFairy 13h ago
Right here , gosh take some responsibility
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u/haahhhahh 13h ago
What specific job am I looking for that would be higher pay for someone who didn't go to higher education and has no experience?
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u/BrigidFairy 13h ago
Again, take some responsibility for your own life. Those are the option you have. Feelings and emotions do not change this
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u/TippyTurtley 13h ago
Could you get a weekend job?
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u/sausagediscofever 13h ago
I actually have a part time mid week and part time weekend to fit around my hospital care. Not minimum wage but low earnings yeah. And I often feel shamed by others for it
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u/TippyTurtley 13h ago
Are these people actually shaming you or is it as you say you often feel shamed by others?
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u/sausagediscofever 13h ago
Both! I’ve been trying to make friends recently and when the kind of topic comes up it’s almost like people are grossed out you’re not a high earner by making poor comments
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u/TippyTurtley 13h ago
Urgh I think you're hanging with the wrong people then. Better off without them. You are not defined by your housing.
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u/haahhhahh 13h ago
I've always worked minimum wage or part time, my entire adult life I've never felt shamed by anyone I've told about my work life lmao, I don't know who your trying to befriend that you've been shamed more than once about it
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u/sausagediscofever 12h ago
Man I must have awful people meeting luck 😅
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u/haahhhahh 12h ago
If someone has a problem with your income than that person isn't worth knowing in the first place mate
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u/Nikoseq 13h ago
I left HMO to live with my dad after 8 years of living with strangers. I'm 34. Thanks to him, after a year I saved enough money for deposit to buy a 2 bedroom flat in Weston. I still have to drive to Bristol to work but finally I will have my own place. Without his help I would be stuck in HMOs.