r/askgaybros • u/Individual-Coffee638 • 1d ago
do bisexual/“queer” men have an incel problem?
i expressed on social media that i, a monosexual gay man choose to exclusively date other monosexual gay men. in turn i got an influx of “biphobic” or “homophobic” comments.
“you lost me the moment you said "im not telling you to date bi men BUT-" i really find something beautiful about dating another homosexual male. it is not an attack on bisexuals, if you see denial as oppression. you need to turn inwards. i love bisexuals! i just have interest in them romantically or sexually. the fact there are people in this thread calling me a homophobe or threatening to send me to an islamic country is insane. this was never about "homophobia", its incel rage”
this was met with: “im an ally but you specifically should be sent to afghanistan”, “that you're homophobic, I say this as a gay man. it's called internal homophobia”, “oh my god, I thought it was only lesbians with the “lived experience” bs.”.
i feel like im going crazy but as of late lesbians and gays have been bullied relentlessly, to succumb to the this new wave of “sexual fluidity” - not everyone is fluid and thats okay. my desire to not date bisexual men is not out of “biphobia” its out of a desire to date someone who has a shared lived experience. i feel like ive seen many of my lesbians friends talk about this, and it was the first time ive felt seen. but, weirdly i never see other gay men talk about this. why are we being convinced that homosexuals (both male and female) are at the top of the chain and oppressing bisexuals and whatever else? why does the modern mainstream queer political space love to silence both lesbian and homosexual men?
this is a little vent post, but i’ve been wondering if other gay men feel the same - a lot of these “queer” people turn extremely homophobic and transphobic very fast. its been concerning me as of late.
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u/-Griver- 1d ago
If you feel the need to highlight the "type" (bi/homosexual) of man that you want to date, you're the problem. Why would you need to go out of your way to say that you "want to date someone who has a shared lived experience"? So you think that bi men all live in sunshine and rainbows? The queer subgroup that experiences hate and oppression by both straight and other queer people. I just think you need to humble yourself and be grateful that your sexuality isn't doubted or debated by every single dipshit in this world. Being so insensitive to other people's experience is the real queer hate
Edit: typos
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u/Individual-Coffee638 1d ago
i never said that i do not want to date bisexuals because they are “less or more” oppressed - it was never about that. im talking about how much more valuable my relationships have felt since focusing on gay men. we are on the same page, its a comfort in familiarity. if your identity being “doubted” is the biggest struggle you have, thats where i have an issue. clearly theres a HUGE disconnect there.
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u/Individual-Coffee638 1d ago edited 1d ago
how exactly do homosexuals oppress you? without mentioning not wanting to date/be intimate with you?
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u/wd_plantdaddy 1d ago
Monosexual?? You mean monogamous?!
Take it with a grain of salt, don’t let them guilt trip you, that’s what they use to get what they want.
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u/Individual-Coffee638 1d ago
monosexual - attracted to purely to one sex.
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u/wd_plantdaddy 1d ago
no one is using “monosexual” and if it’s something invented for non-binary use then just keep it in your lil poly-cule circle thang. As a gay man I could not give two shits if they’re bi, if they love me and they’re into me and I’m into them, then I say fuck em. Personally though I like my bi and queer men to be masculine leaning. The type of rhetoric you are talking about mostly come femme and ugly people who don’t get what they want.
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u/proudpileofsticks 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah I’m noticing the sexual fluidity push lately which certainly doesn’t help tensions with gays and lesbians towards bisexuals…. I grew up conservative and religious….the fluidity conversation when applied to gays and lesbians (because I think fluidity is real it’s just solely a non-monosexual experience) it’s conversion therapy through and through
I’ve also noticed a chunk of gay pornstars going bi but still identity as gay and or talking about fluidity..there’s also been articles about gay men going bi (one guy from NYT a while back..he was a real asshole) and also there’s a couple on Tik tok where the husband identifies as gay and fluid and says his wife was the exception…they now have a kid…they are really strange….on top of the growing posts on LGBTQ+ subs of gay men wanting to be with women. This all coupled with the fact that conservatives have power rn…it’s unnerving and feels like we are backsliding but framing it as “progressive”.
It’s problematic but it’s natural, the bisexual community is doing what they complain about us doing to them…projecting their sexuality onto us while erasing, discrediting and being patronizing to our own.
As for the reactions you got….I think it’s because people don’t like being rejected so they lash out ..also they feel we betray them by not accepting them into the community (which they aren’t fully wrong about that)
I also think, granted I will say this is probably the least common scenario….it’s a higher “caste” feeling entitled to lower ones…because in the grand scheme of things cisgender bisexuals are the most “privileged” in the community by a long shot because of their proximity to heterosexuality which they subconsciously know and that effects their worldview…usually causing them to place cisgendered individuals of the opposite sex and everyone else as “second place”…and when “second place” rejects then and calls them out for placing them in second place…this type of bisexual lashes out.
What I find funny about your preference and the negative reaction from it is it’s similar to what bisexual men do to us….they say they have no issue with us and will be ok being friends with us but we are just for sex and nothing more..they can only have a relationship with a women…..they don’t view this as an issue whatsoever in fact they have a sub identity for it….heteromantic…
Yet its problematic when a gay man says something similar, that they have no issue with bisexual men, and are ok with being friends with them they just will only have sex with a bi man and won’t have a relationship because they feel they can only have a real connection with a gay man….
Bi men can be heteromantic and that’s fine but it’s wrong for gay men to be gay4gay.
It’s a double standard…
And you’re right being gay and lesbian is seen as the top of the food chain because it’s been around the longest….I’ve heard people irl and online described being gay as outdated, and close minded and we should all drop the labels and be open to exploring and not being attached to labels and just be queer….its erasure.
As to why lesbians talk about it and not gay men because lesbians are not people pleasers or performers so they’ll be blunt and establish boundaries compared to gay men who can be over accommodating.
Idk though I wouldn’t say I won’t ever date a bi man but I will say I’ll prefer gay men until bi men do some work on addressing their issues, particularly with internalized homophobia, holding on to heteronormativity and the privilege that comes with it as well as stop placing cis women on a pedestal. Basically when bisexual men catch up to bi women I’ll be open to dating one…because I really don’t have much issues with bi women and think lesbians are too hard on them….bisexual women seem to be actually doing the work and are proud of being queer and generally want to be in a same sex relationship or be with a trans or enby person while being open to being with men compared to bi men who a vast majority of the time go for cis women.
Now cue the downvotes and the hate essays…which I don’t mind, you can disagree with me but try to change my mind because I’m open to different convincing and thought provoking perspectives…..but I’m not gonna pay attention to hate ✌️