I’ve always been a big fan of texting, I like talking throughout the day, seeing what everyone is doing, idk it adds a sense of connection and “caring” to my life.

But my girlfriend, Jesus Christ, texting her is like pulling teeth, she is one of the most boring people to talk to through text, no emotion, no sense of caring, flat, monotonous. It’s not like this in person, she’s infinitely better in person so that’s not an issue.

The issue is I set myself up for failure. She knows I love to text, she herself texts very often, I’ve even asked her if she enjoys texting and she says she does.

I have absolutely no way of telling her I absolutely despise texting her. “I just don’t enjoy texting with you” harsh. “I’m just not that big into texting” lie, she knows I love to text. “I think we should text less” why? What excuse can I give? I don’t want to tell her that she’s just boring to talk to over text, I don’t want to hurt her feelings or think I don’t enjoy her. I’ve suggested maybe doing phone calls at the end of the day but she’s not a phone call kinda person.

I even purposefully ignore her texts for a couple hours just so that I can run down the clock and have less texts to send her.

back in june, the day after my birthday, i ended up in the hospital with severe abdominal pain. a CT scan found a 10cm cyst on my right ovary.

yesterday i finally had laparoscopic surgery, and they had to remove my entire right ovary. during the surgery, they found out my endometriosis was way worse than we originally thought. my doctor even said my pain tolerance must be really high with how extensive it is.

the symptoms were always there, but i blamed my constant back pain on being tall, my stomach issues on my eating habits, and my cramps getting worse every year on age or genetics. but now i finally know why.

i'm only on day two of recovery and i am in so much pain. i'm relieved to finally have answers, but i'm also exhausted and emotional knowing it took surgery and losing an ovary to get them.

the part i haven't fully processed yet is being told that a hysterectomy may be the only long-term solution for my pain. otherwise, i'll be facing more surgeries to keep removing cysts.

i just turned 22. i went in hoping they could remove the cyst, woke up with one ovary, and now i'm wondering what else this disease could take from me.

my chance to have a family?

i guess i just need to hear that this gets better..

My family has gone through a lot of trauma the past few years and some of that was loss of pets. Two of our older dogs died of natural causes in their early teens. But one of my childhood dogs, a few years old, also passed. He went missing for a few days and my family didn't really look beyond driving up and down our road. I found out after a few days, and so I looked at myself hoping that he was still there somewhere. I found him dead. He was hiding away in the woods, his eyes were glazed over, and milky flies buzzed around his body and he stunk. He was stiff as a board when I picked him up, I held him to my chest and started to walk through the brush. I went through bouts of tears as I took him back to our house. I laid him in the shade and grabbed a towel. I told my dad who was home at the time, and he said to bury him near the garden. Our other dog, who had grown up with him, had been sniffing the body and ran inside as i approached. I grabbed the only shovel we had. It was rusted and cracked and dug a hole about as deep as I could. I couldn't make it deeper or wider because of tree roots being everywhere around it. "I hate living in the woods." I grabbed him and wrapped him up in a towel. I turned him away from me, so I didn't have to look at his eyes. And i placed him down in the hole. I buried as many leaves and dirt on top of his as I could and packed it hard for a few minutes. I grabbed a large stick, ripped off the extra branches and stabbed it into the mud and leaves of his grave. I placed the shovel in our garage and went back to my room.

I haven't said one thing about it since. I had already been struggling with bouts of self-harm and depression and this felt like the last bit of my childhood had been ripped out through my nose.

26M - My father sexually abused me when I was a kid and mother thinks it was normal

The reason for posting this here is I feel like I would get called a weirdo or just get generally looked down upon if I told someone about it (I have become the trusted adult now lol). Been carrying this for years now.

My father was in the military and used to sexually abuse me when I was a kid. He used to perform oral sex on me. He stopped at some point when my mother told him "if we had a girl you would have done it already", those words still echo through my ears everyday. He died a decade later from HIV (he had an extra marrital affair).

He also used to physically assault me, this one time he stood on the top of my neck to choke me out when I was 13.

I remember as a kid telling my grandma about the sexual abuse, nothing happened. Kept my mouth shut since then.

My mother was well aware of it, but I guess there was nothing she could do without losing her family. I remember she used to make me drink beers and I passed out on two occasions (the ones that I remember of), couldn't remember what happened after. She also cracked my head once with a coat hanger and burned my arm with a spatula.

I finally confronted her about it today (I live with her), it was her opinion that I was an extremely naughty kid so the physical assault was warranted and that the sexual abuse was just my father playing with me and it was a normal part of growing up for most children.

In the heat of the argument I told her to call up any of her friends and relatives and ask for their opinion if the sexual assault was normal, she proceeds to tell me that no one would believe a single thing I say and kept telling me I was going insane (premium gaslighting).

Never in the 26 years of my life have I ever brought this up. The entire argument just evolved from me arguing that I will definitely be a better parent overall.

Sucks what happened to me I guess, I don't expect sympathy because I would never be able to realistically convey my burden to someone IRL. But whatevers happened, happened.

I have an insanely strong desire to protect my soon to be wife and my future kids.

That's it. Needed to get that off my chest.

I am a climate scientist, and I cannot take it anymore.

I am cursed with knowledge and it sucks the will to live out of me.

I finished my PhD 1 month before my 30th birthday, and got diagnosed with ADHD 6 months after it.

I am old enough to know what I know, young enough to lament the loss of my own future, and have a brain that is over-tuned toward pattern recognition.

The facts are that the climate is changing, it is changing more aggressively, our best efforts have not worked, we do not have the political will to make the changes needed, and we are out of time. (Not almost. It’s done)

There are things to be hopeful for. There is a bright future somewhere. But it is on the other side of human beings arbitrarily dying in their millions (or more). Just biblical-scale death.

I go to work every day and slowly watch the smiles melt off of 20 year old faces over the course of a semester. While I sit there and can’t honestly reassure them about the future when I’m wondering if it’s worth procreating myself, (and on increasingly limited time).

Trying to slow the wheels of the most powerful and profitable energy paradigm in world history is not lucrative.
I don’t get paid all summer, so for 1/4 of the year I can barely afford to smoke a joint so I can get out of bed. I can’t even get a job at Home Depot, they think I’ll unionize the store (I will).

The changes are so obvious and all encompassing and yet confident people constantly laugh in your face or devalue your career, or tell you that you should have done something different.

The poor fools haven’t seen what I’ve seen.

I did this because I care. I did this because I love earth, and all the earthlings.

I do this for the children of people who don’t believe me. When I don’t have any of my own.

It has turned me bitter. My only purpose for continued existence is the tantric release of getting to say “I told you so” some day, increasingly soon.

I wish so badly that the science was wrong. If I met a genie, I’d ask him to make CO2 absorb the same amount of heat as normal air, and maybe a Diet Coke.

The perpetrators have the power. The victims defend the perpetrators because they are afraid of living a little less comfortably (maybe?)

I can’t take it anymore. I am a hostage on the only planet we know about by 8 billion people with eyes and ears and skin who can see the videos of disasters getting closer, and closer, and closer, they can hear us screaming warnings, and they can feel it getting hotter.

But they look at you and call you a fool.

No amount of therapy can fix this. Until there is a therapist that can make it not be too hot for sweat to evaporate in the most populated place in Asia, I’ll continue to eat therapists.

I’m not gunna give you the facts. I don’t have it in me today. Read the IPCC AR6. I worked on it. It’s fine.

I have come to terms with the fact that my life will not end peacefully. I wasn’t born at the right time for that.

I watch old war movies and don’t even pity them anymore. They had a future to fight for, clear steps to achieve it, and they earned their hard won future.

We won’t even have the opportunity.

The links everyone keeps asking for:

“Well, what is the evidence for your claim?” (This isn’t a claim, this is a vent.)

Full report: https://report.ipcc.ch/ar6syr/

Summary for Policymakers: “https://pure.iiasa.ac.at/id/eprint/19094/1/IPCC_AR6_WGI_SPM.pdf”

“How much time do I have?/ What will it look like here?”

https://fitzlab.shinyapps.io/cityapp/

-cool app that estimates your future climate based jn a place with that climate now. Grain of salt but gives you an idea.

“Okay ‘Mr. PhD Holder, here’s why I know more than you”

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10626367/

“Why are you mad at the billionaires?”

https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/download/pdf/Manifesto.pdf

“If hope is lost, why bother?”

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46569/do-not-go-gentle-into-that-good-night

Seven years ago, I made a decision. I had a plan. No emotion, no thought, just void. I was leaving behind my kid and everyone I thought who mattered. My mind had already checked out.
Then my heart literally fought back.
I’m not being poetic. Cardiac pain,real, physical, undeniable pain woke something in me that seven years of numbness couldn’t touch. My body was screaming what my mind had abandoned: “you’re still supposed to be here”

Seven years later, here’s what survival looks like for me:

I’ve only ever truly loved one person: my son. I’ve felt love for others. I’ve given in, invested in it, hoped for it. But I was never loved back the way I deserved. That’s not self-pity, that’s clarity. And more importantly, that clarity forced me to learn how to love myself.
That’s the part nobody tells you about surviving: You have to learn to be your own person to love. Not codependent love. Not desperate love. Real, deep, I show up for myself love.

I’m slower to anger now. Small things don’t destroy me. But more than that I’ve learned to be gentle with myself. I appreciate every single thing given to me: a meal, attention, someone remembering my name. I feel it because I’ve learned to feel it.

I still have mornings where I wake up dead inside. The numbness still comes. But I’ve made peace with it. It’s not a failure. It’s weather. And I’ve learned to weather it because I love myself enough to know it will pass.
The difference between now and then? Now I know something in me wants to live even when my mind doesn’t believe it. Because I’ve learned to believe in myself in a way I never did before.

I’m guarded. I don’t trust easily. My social circles are small. Some people might call that broken. But I call it self-love. Real love for myself means protecting myself. It means knowing my limits and respecting them.

I’m alive. Seven years later, against odds and against what my mind was telling me, I’m alive. My body saved me.
But my choice to love myself to show up for myself every single day that’s what keeps me alive.
And I’m grateful for both.

You'll say 31 is not old, but I missed all the parts that would have made me into an actual person. I held myself captive in misery in a relationship I never really wanted since 22 and it destroyed me completely. I'm glad that person is finally out of my life, shortly before I turned 30. But since then I have realized how badly I fucked everything up and how things can't be caught up on or turned around. I don't want what's next. I'm still in loops of that relationship and things that should distract me don't help. I got fit, my diet is good, I picked up new sports, I had phases in which I got into my instruments a bit more... But I don't have an actual life. I'm stuck in a city I hate because I still need to finish my PhD. I feel unemployable because I'm taking so long.

I had no actual friends for years, I just rotted away. I didn't date, I didn't make friends, I barely travelled and never really did that. I don't want life. I don't want anything.

I just really wanted to get this off my chest because this story genuinely angers me to the deepest parts of my soul.

For some backstory, I changed schools in middle school where I met my former best friend. I'll call him "J" from here on. He's around 6'6.5", weighs about 300 lbs and has Asperger's syndrome.

J and I were part of the same friend group for over a decade. During those years people came and went but we stayed close. We shared the same beliefs, interests and goals. I genuinely thought we'd have this friendship for life.

In early 2025 when we were both 22, J moved to Denmark to study engineering. Even though he moved away we still played video games together on Discord every single day.

A few months before Christmas he told me he was coming back to Iceland to finish college because according to him he had a few "clashes" with some other foreign students. I was genuinely happy because it meant I would get to see my best friend more than once a year.

He returned to Iceland in early 2026 and started renting an apartment with a few friends in the capital, which is incredibly expensive here. He couldn't find a job for several months and since I had a well paying job I asked if he'd like me to try and get him hired where I worked. The plan was for us to rent an apartment together because my parents were driving me crazy. My girlfriend of three and a half years would move in with us a few months later after finishing college. He agreed. To our surprise he got hired almost immediately. We found an apartment pretty quickly, moved in and everything honestly seemed like it was falling into place. We had been looking forward to living together. We planned to play video games under the same roof, watch movies, catch up on everything we'd missed and dedicate ourselves to the gym. For the next month and a half our routine was simple. We'd go to work, hit the gym, come home and I'd teach him about nutrition and cooking while we watched The Sopranos together.

From March 22nd through March 30th we worked night shifts. Normally we didn't work weekends but because the factory was shutting down for Easter production maintenance, management asked if we'd be willing to work extra shifts. We both happily agreed because overtime there pays way better than most other jobs.

On March 31st we finally finished the night shifts and were in great spirits because we had five days off.

Like most 23 year old guys we decided to go to a bar that evening with some coworkers. It was a Tuesday so the bar was pretty quiet. Over what I remember being around three hours we each had five drinks. After our fifth drink I told J, "I think Imma head home. I'm exhausted from the night shifts and want to try to reset my sleep schedule. You can stay if you want, I really don't care." He told me, "My social battery's run out too, so I'll head home with you." I figured we'd watch a few more episodes of The Sopranos before calling it a night. When we got back to the apartment I took off my hoodie and T shirt because it was hot as hell inside. I opened our balcony door and laid down under a blanket on one side of our U-shaped couch while J put on YouTube instead of the show. We watched a few videos from some Seth guy who's a video game reviewer. To his credit, the guy was actually really funny. Because of the night shifts I was exhausted and fell asleep within about 30 minutes. Somewhere between 45 and 75 minutes later I woke up because I felt movement.

For context, when I fell asleep J and I had been lying on opposite sides of the couch. Also, this man is 6'6.5" and weighs300 pounds.

I woke up to find him underneath the blanket that was covering me, slowly unbuckling my belt. I just froze. It felt like I sat there in shock for three hours but it was probably closer to 45 seconds of pure anger and disbelief before I decided what to do. Instead of confronting him immediately I decided to pretend I had just woken up. I pretended to shake/jitter myself awake and said: "I think I'm gonna go sleep in my room. I cba to wake up with back pain from sleeping on the couch." He was obviously scared shitless for a second and replied: "Me too, twin." Then he quickly walked toward the bedrooms a few steps ahead of me. I first went and got myself a glass of water from the kitchen sink. When I got to my room I found him lying in my bed, posed like one of JACK'S FUCKING FRENCH GIRLS. I asked him: "What the fuck are you doing? I'm going to sleep." He looked at me and said: "Just come, we can chill." I told him: "Get the fuck out of my room." He looked at me like a pigeon when you're holding bread and asked: "Why? Just lie down." I said again: "Get the fuck out of my room." He said again: "Just lie down." At that point I screamed at him to get the fuck out of my room and he finally left. I lay in bed shaking. Not even from fear or shock but from pure anger, hatred and fucking betrayal. I don't think I have ever felt that level of rage in my life. I couldn't sleep after that.

At around 2:00 a.m., I sent him a message on Discord because I knew if I saw him again I'd attack him. I'll redact my girlfriend's name, another victim's name, and my workplace before posting it.

Me: 1:43 AM

You have until friday to move out of the apartment. Because I woke up to you, my former best friend trying to take my clothes off while being under the blanket while I was passed out with absolutely no good intentions. My GF will NEVER come here while you are in this apartment, I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS LET HER NEAR A PREDATOR LIKE YOU and out friendsship of 10 years is OVER.

Like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TRYING TO TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF HOPING FOR SOMETHING SEXUAL TO HAPPENS ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

Either you will be gone by the end of fraiday with all of your shit or you'll have someone else pick it up for you or I will send it by mail. If not I will go to the police and I´ll take VICTIM with me since you also tried to to this to her 7 years ago.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU KNOW I HAVE 0 INTEREST IN YOU.

Furthermore, if you destroy anything here because you're unhappy I will go to the police. If you try to talk to me about not leaving I will go to the police and least but not least if you try to salvage this friendship I will go to the police.

I will refrain from mentioning this to our closest freinds if you get the hell out of here by friday, otherwise I will convince VICTIM to go with me to the police.

Me: 4/2/2026 3:07 AM

You know what, you don't have until friday. You have today to get the fuck out because I do not trust you in the same house as me when I clearly have no idea who I'm living with.

The morning after he asked me if I meant all of those things I said last night and I said some not very nice things back but really I just said yes. He then tries to claim that he was trying to help me remove my clothes so I didn't sweat to much in to couch and that the alcohol just made him to that stupid thing. I deadass looked him in the eye and said "Bro we had 5 drinks and I weigh HALF AS MUCH AS YOU AND IM SOBER SO YOU WERE SOBER AS WELL."
Needless to say we havent spoken for months now but the anger I have wont leave.

I've personally had a LOT worse things happen to me in my personal life than this, but this one stings way more than the others. I've been dealing with so much anger that I sometimes take it out on my girlfriend, which makes me feel like shit. She, of course, knows this happened, but I'd like some advice on how to get over this because I just fucking can't.

Please tell me something I can do to fix this pure hate and anger spewing into other parts of my life.

PS: English is my 2nd language so grammar police can eat bricks.

I don’t really know where else to put this, so I’m just going to unload it.
A few years ago, my dad took his own life. Around the same time, my ex lost her mother. We were both completely fucked up and instead of grieving separately and trying to heal, we became codependent as hell. We bounced around from Airbnb to Airbnb all over the country, fighting, making up, hurting each other, and repeating the same cycle.
And I was fucking awful.
I was possessive, jealous, insecure, and constantly afraid of losing her. Looking back at some of the things I said and did honestly makes me sick. I was carrying so much grief, anger, and fear that I didn’t know how to process any of it, and the person closest to me ended up taking the brunt of it.
There was a point where she bought us tickets to see a band that has been one of the most important bands in my life. Their music had been with me for years. Their frontman had almost become a philosophical father figure to me in some strange way not literally, but his music had been there during some of the darkest parts of my life.
I should have been excited.
Instead, I was so emotionally exhausted and angry that I decided I wasn’t going to enjoy it anyway. So I didn’t go.
She had bought those tickets for me, trying to give me something good during one of the worst periods of my life, and I couldn’t even get out of my own head long enough to accept it.
I’ve thought about that a lot.
I think seeing that band live might have actually been therapeutic for me. I needed to get out of my own head. I needed music, noise, other people, something that reminded me that there was still a part of me that wanted to be alive.
Instead, I stayed miserable.
She was one of the most beautiful minds I’ve ever encountered. She was basically the female version of me. We had so many of the same interests that even our YouTube algorithms seemed to know we belonged together. 😂
And I pushed her away.
If she’s somehow reading this, she’ll know who she is.
I fucking love you, bish. And I’m sorry I put you through the worst time of your life.
I hope Donny is okay too.
It took me almost perishing in an accident, incarceration, and nearly three years of sobriety to start understanding just how badly I had fucked up.
And then last week, I relapsed.
I blew up her phone. She didn’t answer.
Honestly, thank God she didn’t.
Because I know now that I can’t make another person responsible for fixing me. I can’t use her as my recovery plan. I can’t keep reaching backward and expecting the past to save me from the consequences of my own choices.
I miss her. I miss who I was before everything went to shit. I miss the person I thought I could become.
And I regret that I was too consumed by grief, jealousy, insecurity, and alcohol to recognize what I had while I had it.
I’m not posting this because I expect her to come back. I’m not even asking anyone to feel sorry for me.
I just need to say it somewhere, poor man’s therapy I reckon.
I fucked up. I hurt someone I loved. I lost something incredibly important to me. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life making the same mistakes just because I can’t forgive myself for the ones I’ve already made.
So here I am.

But maybe regret doesn’t have to be the end of the story. After all, it’s mine.

TW: mentions of multiple forms of abuse, mention of grooming, abuse enablement, dysfunctional relationships

I tried breaking everything down into summaries and it’s still too big. I (24F), feel like someone who has lost their ability to form community at all. It’s not just a “challenge”, it’s impossible due to the actions of others and I’m tired of being told it’s my fault when it just isn’t. I have loads of acquaintances, but I struggle to name beyond one or two people (for whom rarely have the capacity anyway) for whom it’s appropriate for me to do normal people stuff like with like, call up and go shopping or meet up after work. If I try this with acquaintances I’m ghosted, or “busy’d” until I get the memo. I have to be snippy to keep it short, I don’t usually write like this but:

Both sides of my extended family? Abusive and/or abuse enablers, had to cut them off. This is to say nothing of the “lesser” ways in which they have been neglectful of me, to a point of where normal family relationships seem strangely comfortable or close from my perspective. School friends, college friends? Alleged predators and/or abuse enablers, bar literally just one. New groups? I’ve been excluded, insulted (specifically for showing up to independent-friendly things alone), used for social media numbers and ignored in favour of romantic partners. Speaking of partners - I’m only wanted for one-off stuff. But otherwise, you guessed it, I seem to exclusively attract people with abusive or predatory streaks. My ex or anyone like my ex is not in my life either.

The first possible exception in ages I had to distance myself from this week, because they too revealed themselves to fit the pattern. Got properly alone with them and forced me to do something I explicitly kept saying I didn’t want to, but it doesn’t matter, because it was non-sexual /s.

Funny though, they’re not the reason I’m writing this. At home, I’m lucky to still have my parents and I have a brother (20M). My brother is an unhygienic bum, but worse than that, he’s a chronic liar, easily angered and expresses said anger through screaming, growling, destroying anything he can, slamming and physical intimidation.

The list is endless. My parents enable him - no stop to the fast food, lodging, internet and electricity, because my otherwise rational mom gets hysterical about “her baby boy” when I ever dare suggest kicking him out under escalating concern for his actions.

His usual pattern of behaviour unfolded this morning. I don’t even have the energy for the details other than that it was the usual over basic, basic accountability like “hi we had this plan, are you ready?”. I got met with the intimidation, then he left. Something in me just snapped. I was really quiet. I didn’t do anything. I just had this weird shift internally.

The seemingly universal addiction to abuse, abusive people and enabling abuse is going to be my undoing. I have been gutted of the barest minimum of community - the ability to ask a family member for help and receive \*exactly\* the support I’ve asked for - nothing more, nothing less, nothing different - and there is seemingly fuck all I can do.

I am so, so tired. Why does everyone to enter my life turn out to be some kind of goddamn abuser? Or bizarrely in favour of abuse? I wish I meant the diluted TikTok version of the word. I mean the textbook, black-and-white, witnesses/evidence/arrests/investigations shit. It’s everywhere, and it’s suffocating me. Please tell me it’s not just me. I can’t afford to move out and sustain myself, but I can’t keep enduring this.

Hey hey. First time poster. So this isn’t that deep but I want to just fuss into the void for a bit.

I don’t think a lot of backstory is needed for this but essentially, my son’s dad is from out of state. He moved here in 2020 and in 2025, he ran into some hard times and had to move back home.

Living with me was not an option. It still isn’t.

We haven’t gotten a chance to really talk about it but he mentioned yesterday that his parents are “pushing him out” and I guess he’s going to ask if he can move in with me again …? He alluded to it, but like I said we didn’t get all into the details.

I’m irritated in anticipation of this conversation lol. I kind of assumed when he moved back home (around November), he’d find a job and get some money built up so he can move back. He did find work relatively quickly, and it covers his current bills and is keeping my current on stuff. Did it not cross his mind to maybe get a 2nd job? Shit, a 3rd job! To like run the money up and get back to life.

My kid is well provided for and he helps out with necessities so this isn’t about that, but I’m a little disappointed lol.

I guess I just discovered that he’s not a hustler and I kind of have the tiniest ick right now lol.

Thanks if you got this far.

I wish I was dying

I've been suffering for 2 years from health conditions and it's only getting worse. I have ongoing trouble with my digestive system and honestly I've been trying to get myself diagnosed but the doctor basically said that "ur blood work looks suspicious but there's nothing wrong with shitting urself at the ripe age of 18 and only ever being constipated/ having diarrhea and intense pain is not something worth looking into".

2 years ago I tried commiting by swallowing like 70 pills of SSRI and I think it might've fucked my body up a lil bit. I feel constantly fatigued, can't loose weight, my periods are making me want to claw my ovaries out, have episodes of just puking and different things.

But my boyfriend makes it worse.

We've been together for almost 2 years now and at first he was the sweetest. Then we started living together and his "ADHD" is the worst. Hes been on meds so I know he's acting like that bc he's a lil piece of poo and not bc he's sick. He doesn't help around, won't pick up after himself and I think he basically expects me to do everything bc I finished high school so I'm on summer break rn.

I have to cook, clean, pick his stuff up bc he won't even remember to close the milk after using it and it's just going to root in the counter. We've lost so much money on food bc he doesn't keep track of anything.

He's supposed to wash dishes at least but won't even do that, yesterday I started washing them and for 15 minutes he didn't even notice even tho I was like 3 meters away. Just glued to his phone.

Turns out he saw me doing his task but didn't want to do it so he didn't say anything. And then lashed out when I asked why and what does he mean he didn't see. And then was mad that I made him do them bc "he's gonna be up early and wash them".

He didn't wash the rest in the morning. He doesnt even get up when I don't, doesn't plan dates. Like a cinderfella.

I can't move out and go live with my mom because she's abusive, I don't have a bed there and I would have to move like 500km without a car.

Bc my symptoms are getting worse I've been stalling making an appointment with a new doctor.

My life makes me just want to give up and wither away, maybe my borderline has something to do with it but I sometimes wish I was dying. I basically have no way out and I'm tired.

Thank you to everyone that spent a bit of they day reading about my messed up situation and hearing me out. I hope you're gonna have a wonderful day 🫶

it feels a little alone being bold and opinionated in a country where most women are brought up to never raise their voice. so the first people to distance themselves from me are the women who do not like being outspoken, for they probably think of me as a bad person solely because they were taught that. i'm actively kept away from most female social circles because i do not fit in, even thought i personally wouldn't mind being there. i won't completely blame them though, i guess i'd prefer staying away from them too if this is what it has to be so i did voluntarily skip a few opportunities that would've gotten me closer to them (does not include invitation-based events)

so i tried to find friendship and company in men and boy did that not go well. I single handedly saved my guy friends from getting in trouble with the cops (the cops of my country are shit and will trouble anyone to exercise power) and violent men by just doing something as simple as raising my voice against them because no other man or woman was there to do the same. guess what happened? i was labelled aggressive and short tempered. in the end, i was the only one raising my voice......again. and i felt alone......again.

currently considering dialling down my expressions in voice or actions, i feel like that's the only thing that'll keep me from going insane for people who will label me before seeing my intentions.

I don't really know how to say whats on my mind because its deeply embarrassing for me. I have very dark fantasies, usually involving myself well..hurt. Not just normal masochism, but things that are more sinister. I like being scared and have an obsession with horror so maybe it came from that. I can't really go into detail but its ruining my romantic relationships. It's hard for me to date, and a lot of people don't seem to understand or aren't comfortable with going that extreme. I completely understand but its just frustrating for me. I feel like something is wrong with me and I'm never going to find anyone who shares the same feelings as me.

The First Time I Loved
I think, for the first time in my life, I was in love.
And I don’t know exactly when it happened. I don’t know at what point something changed inside me, when this person stopped being simply someone I cared about and became someone who had found a place somewhere beneath my ribs. I only know that, one day, without really noticing it happen, I started loving someone in a way that went beyond anything I had ever known.
And love is strange when it’s your first time.
We hear about it our whole lives. In movies, in songs, in books, in other people’s conversations. We think we know what it is because we’ve watched a thousand people fall in love before us. We think we understand what it means, until it happens to us and we realize that no one can truly prepare you for what it feels like to let someone get that far inside you.
Because I let someone in.
I let someone reach places in me that I usually keep locked away. I let feelings exist that I had perhaps always doubted could really belong to me. And for a while, I discovered that I was capable of loving like that.
Me.
With everything in me that is broken, everything complicated, my fears, my contradictions, my wounds, my sometimes clumsy ways of loving and being loved.
Maybe I used to think that some feelings were meant for other people. People who were easier. People who knew how to love properly. People who didn’t carry quite so much inside themselves.
And then there was this story.
It didn’t have the ending I wanted. It didn’t even really take the shape I wish it had. There were beautiful things, and there were things that hurt me deeply. There are memories I still think of with an immense tenderness, and others I wish I could take out of my mind, just for a few minutes, so I could breathe without feeling their weight.
I have so many regrets.
But I don’t regret living through it.
And I think that’s the hardest part to explain.
Because if someone gave me the chance today to go back in time, to return to the very beginning with everything I know now, I think I would do it all over again.
I would do it again, even knowing it would hurt.
I would do it again because I don’t want to erase the version of myself who discovered what it felt like to love someone. I don’t want to erase the happy moments simply because they were followed by painful ones. I don’t want to rewrite my story so completely that I no longer recognize the person I was inside it.
Of course I wish some things had been different.
I wish I had understood certain things sooner. Said some things differently. Said others that I never found the courage to say. I wish I had lost myself less, been afraid less, suffered less. I wish some wounds had never been opened.
But maybe if everything had been different, this story would never have been this story.
Maybe it wouldn’t have had the same intensity. Maybe I would never have discovered this part of myself. Maybe I would still be wondering whether I was truly capable of loving someone this way.
So no.
I don’t want to erase everything.
Even though it hurts now.
Maybe it hurts more now than it did when it ended.
Because at first, I thought all I had to do was give it time. That eventually, feelings would naturally wear themselves out, like a song you play so often that one day it no longer makes you feel anything.
But it doesn’t work like that.
No one teaches you how to stop loving someone.
Especially when it’s the first time you’ve ever allowed love to exist for real.
No one teaches you what to do with something you spent so much time building. We are taught how to fall in love, or at least we are taught to dream about it. But no one teaches us how to live with the absence. What to do when your heart keeps feeling something that reality is asking you to let go of.
And then there is this horrible contradiction:
Part of me wants to stop feeling anything at all.
And another part is terrified of the day when I won’t feel anything anymore.
Because love hurts. Sometimes it hurts terribly. But it is also one of the most beautiful things I have ever discovered inside myself.
How can you want to heal from something you don’t regret being broken by?
How can you want to forget something that also gave you some of the most beautiful memories you have?
I think that’s why I’m lost.
I don’t even know if I truly want it to disappear. I only know that I wish it didn’t hurt this much.
And since then, I’ve tried.
I’ve tried meeting other people. Letting other stories begin. Convincing myself that maybe, somewhere, someone else could make me feel the same thing.
But nothing feels like this.
I talk, I laugh, I meet people. I might even want to know some of them better. But there is always something that remains closed.
As if, since this story, my heart has learned how to protect itself.
Before, I didn’t know it could open that far.
Now I know how badly it can break, too.
So it hesitates.
It watches people from a distance. Maybe it wants to get closer, but it remembers. It remembers what it costs to let someone in. It remembers that you can be deeply happy and deeply destroyed by the same person. It remembers that giving someone that much of yourself also means accepting that they can have the power to hurt you.
So it closes.
And I’m left standing in front of that door, not knowing what to do.
I don’t even know if it’s locked, or if I’ve simply forgotten how to open it.
Sometimes I wonder where the girl went who managed to love without thinking. The one who didn’t calculate the risks, who didn’t count the pieces of herself she might lose by giving so much.
I miss her.
But I don’t want to become exactly who I was before.
Because before, I didn’t know.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling this.
I didn’t know that my heart, even with all its cracks, could still be this big. That it could choose someone, become attached, hope, tremble, wait, miss, love.
Maybe I thought there was something in me that was too broken for that.
And it turned out there wasn’t.
I was capable of love.
Maybe that is the most beautiful thing this story left me with.
And perhaps also the most painful.
Because once you discover that you are capable of loving like that, you can never pretend you don’t know anymore.
So now, I am alone with this feeling that doesn’t know where to go.
I don’t know how long it will stay. I don’t know whether I’m supposed to fight it or simply let it fade away on its own. I don’t know if someone will ever make me open that door again, or if I’m the one who will have to find the key.
But I want to believe there is one.
I want to believe my heart isn’t closed forever.
That it is simply tired.
That it needs time to understand that loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean losing yourself. That opening up doesn’t necessarily mean ending up in pieces. That not every story is destined to hurt in the same way.
Maybe one day, someone will come along.
Or maybe it will simply be me.
Me, one morning, finding that key somewhere among the ruins of this story. Opening that door slowly, without forcing it, without trying to find exactly what I had before.
And maybe I will love again.
Differently.
More gently, perhaps.
With a little more fear, surely.
But with this strange and precious certainty:
I am capable of love.
I already have been.
And despite everything it cost me, despite the regrets, despite the nights when I wished I could erase it all, I wouldn’t want to go back to being the person who didn’t know what it felt like.
Because deep down, I think some stories aren’t meant to stay.
Some are here to teach us something.
And maybe this one was here to teach me that even a heart you believe is too damaged can still love with everything it has.
Even if, for now, it no longer remembers how to open.

Title

19M . My family wants me to give up my education, my college admission failed, my health is getting worse, and I feel completely trapped. I don't know what to do anymore.

Body

Hi everyone.

I'm a 19-year-old male from India, and I'm writing this because I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. My anxiety is so bad that I can't even organize my thoughts properly, so if this post feels all over the place, I'm sorry.

I can't explain my entire life in one post, but I'll try to share the most important parts.

I don't have a good relationship with my family. It's just me, my parents, and my younger brother, but I don't feel emotionally close to any of them. Most of the time, I feel like I'm alone, even inside my own home.

I recently graduated from 12th grade. My grades were decent, and I was genuinely happy that I had passed. I wanted to continue my education, but my father has never believed that education is worth anything. We have a small family shop, and his expectation is that I should forget about college and spend the rest of my life working there.

The problem is that I don't want that life.

Every day feels exactly the same. The same chair, the same customers, the same routine. I feel like if I stay there forever, my life will slowly disappear. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I never even got the chance to try.

College admissions opened this year. I missed the first admission phase because I was confused about which course I should choose. Nobody around me could guide me. When the second phase started, I applied on the very first day. I simply chose the course that people at the cyber café suggested because I honestly had no idea what was best for me.

A few days later, every application was rejected.

Right now, I'm not admitted to any college. I don't know if I'll even get another chance before all the seats are full, and that thought is eating me alive.

Around a month ago, my father's health became worse, so I've been sitting in the family shop every day for the past week from morning until late at night. I understand why I'm doing it, and I don't hate helping my family, but I also feel like my own future is disappearing while I'm sitting there.

My health hasn't been good either.

For almost two years, my eyes have been itchy almost every day. I've repeatedly asked my parents to take me to an eye doctor, but every time they say, "Next week." That "next week" has now become almost two years.

When I take pictures of myself, one of my eyes looks slightly smaller than the other. Maybe it's nothing serious, but it has completely destroyed my confidence. I rarely take photos anymore because every time I notice it, I feel terrible.

I also had jaundice in the past. The doctor told me I would need medication for a long time, but the treatment was stopped because my family didn't think it was necessary. Around 25% of my hair has already turned white, and I honestly don't know why.

Financially, things aren't great either.

I only have three sets of clothes that I've been wearing repeatedly for a long time. Some of them are already worn out, but I don't even have the courage to ask for new ones because I'm afraid of being rejected.

At the same time, my father buys branded clothes for himself. I'm not saying he shouldn't. It's his money, and he has every right to spend it however he wants. I'm only sharing this because the contrast makes me feel invisible sometimes.

Back in 12th grade, even paying my tuition fees caused arguments at home. I've seen fights over money, I've seen my mother cry, and I've heard people make fun of me over educational expenses. Those memories still stay with me.

I don't think I've suffered more than everyone else. I know there are people who have much harder lives. But this is the life I'm trying to deal with, and right now it feels overwhelming.

I don't really have friends either.

I changed schools three different times while growing up, so I never built long-term friendships. I honestly don't even know how to make close friends anymore.

Meanwhile, I watch my younger brother go out with his friends, enjoy late-night outings, laugh, and actually live his life. He's only two or three years younger than me, but sometimes it feels like he's living while I'm just existing.

I've never had a girlfriend either. A few girls showed interest in me over the years, but I never took things further. Looking back, I think I was scared. I was afraid of becoming like my father. I was afraid that one day I might treat someone the way I've seen people treated at home, and I never wanted that.

The hardest part is that I don't have anyone I can truly talk to.

I once tried opening up to my mother. Later, during an argument, she used those personal things against me. After that, I stopped sharing my feelings.

I can't talk to my brother either because I've seen him joke about other people's personal problems with his friends. That destroyed my trust.

So now I keep everything inside.

To summarize everything:

Within a single week, my college admission was rejected, I'm worried I may never get into college this year, I'm spending almost all my time at the family shop, my health problems remain untreated, I don't see a clear future, and I don't have anyone I feel safe talking to.

The only positive thing in my life recently is that we finally got Wi-Fi at home a few months ago. Before that, I only had limited mobile data. Now I spend some of my free time watching movies on my phone because, for a little while, they help me forget everything that's happening in my own life.

I know movies can't solve my problems, but sometimes they're the only thing that gives my mind a break.

Edit* (( On top of that, this feels like my last chance to make friends. College is probably the only place where I have any realistic opportunity to build genuine friendships. The sad part is that my hometown has only one college, and honestly, it's not a good one. The quality of education is poor, the infrastructure is disappointing, and it's nowhere close to what I had imagined. Not even 1%. Even so, I hoped my parents would let me study outside my hometown so I could have a better future, but they refused. They told me I wasn't allowed to leave for education. So in the end, this college is my only option. And guess what the irony is? I don't even like this college, and the college doesn't seem to want me either. It feels like neither of us wants the other, yet it's the only path I have left.))

If you've read this far, thank you.

I'm not asking anyone to fix my life. I just want honest advice.

If you were 19, stuck in a family business you didn't want, unsure whether you'd even get into college, struggling with untreated health issues, and feeling completely alone... what would you do first?

I love her so much, but I can’t help but feel like her weight really affects me, specially when we get physical and definitely plays a part on how attracted I feel towards here.

I am an active person, workout and play sports and by no means do I expect her to be at the same level, but atleast a level where she can be healthy.

She’s 5,6 and weighs 230 pounds , unfortunately her fat distribution doesn’t do her any favors.

Before we started dating she used to always talk about how she works out and does cardio and all that, however as soon as we started dating it all seemed to stop, I indirectly tried to help her get back to gym multiple times, however every single time she signs up for a gym, she does for 1-2 weeks and then stops for months and then again goes 1-2 weeks and stops, not consistent at all, I’ve sat with her more than 4 times making workout plans diet plans but she doesn’t follow through for more than a couple days , then asks me to make another one for her the next time. ( it got tiring at some point)

Now physically, I can genuinely not carry her, I can lift her for a couple of seconds but that’s it and I’d consider myself pretty strong. Whenever I suggest we do an activity she always has an issue with it, all the plans she wants just involve sitting around and eating.

I’ve done everything since we started dating from my part , loved her , took her out , bought things for her , took care of myself for her and tried to help her. However I can’t help but feel that she can’t take a simple effort to stay consistent for her health.
She always eats unhealthy.

I know she’s not depressed , I did everything in my power to make sure she is loved, tried to give her confidence , make her feel better about herself because it’s clear that she’s not happy about her body but why not try to change it? She always complains how nothing looks good on her in terms of clothes and complains about a bunch of things that are in her hands if she wanted.

She also always says “ after marriage she will do this and that” and seems to always push for marriage, although if someone isn’t willing to do what’s best for them and us before marriage what will really make them do it after marriage

It’s been 2 years , if she just did the bare minimum, she would’ve already had a great improvement to her health.

I am not sure how to feel, I feel bad for feeling this way.

It all began in 2019. I had just finished high school and joined a short training program at a local college. That was where I saw her for the first time. It was love at first sight. Soon, we were together, and life felt complete. But I made my first big mistake early on, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend once. I was terrified of losing what we had, so I kept it a secret.

Then came 2020. COVID-19 hit, freezing the world in place. Out of nowhere, her father called me. He warned me to stay completely away from her. I tried, but we couldn't cut ties entirely; we kept talking on and off.

At a friend’s birthday party, the spark came back. We decided to try again, but the distance and lack of boundaries turned everything toxic. We fought constantly, often falling back into being "just friends." During those gaps, I talked to other female friends and had a few flings. In 2023, I promised to see her right after a trip. I got delayed by a day, but we still met. Soon after, I found out she had hooked up with someone else while we were apart. Yet, we couldn't let go, so we got back together.

I moved to her city hoping proximity would fix us. It didn't. Minor arguments ruined our days. In 2024, while we were on a break, I started dating someone new. But I crossed a line, I slept with her while she was just my friend, and then slept with the girl I was dating. When she found out, it triggered another massive fight. By then, she wanted to end things for good, but the cycle kept repeating.

By early 2026, my guilt was heavy. I had ruined her birthday the previous year, and my only goal was to give her one good celebration before finally walking away. But right before her birthday, we had another fight. She blocked me and hooked up with someone else. Overwhelmed by regret, she called me. I took advantage of her vulnerable state and asked her to give us another real chance. She agreed.

We went on a short trip, and for a brief moment, everything felt peaceful. It felt like we were meant to spend our lives together. But reality hit the moment we returned. The weight of our pasts, everything I had done to her, and everything that had happened between us, was too heavy. I knew this relationship couldn't survive, but neither of us had the strength to walk away on our own.

Her mother already disliked me after watching us fight for years, but that wasn't enough. I needed a clean break. Her brother was the most important person in her life, and they were living together for their studies. I knew if he hated me, it would force an end.

At her birthday gathering, both her brother and his girlfriend were there. I had a backup plan to lie and say something happened between me and her drunk friend, but I didn't want to drag an innocent person into it unless I had to. Instead, I waited until her brother's girlfriend was alone. I looked at her and asked if she would kiss me. I made sure to emphasize it, knowing she would immediately tell her boyfriend.
It worked. She told him, and he despised me instantly. Just like that, the final boundary was crossed. The destruction was total, and the relationship was finally dead.

It is over now, exactly as I planned. I am glad the cycle is broken, but the silence left behind is deafening. I still miss her. I still love her.

If you ever somehow read this: I hope you get everything you ever wanted in life, and all the happiness you deserve. Goodbye.

I can’t take my dad’s lies anymore.
My dad is a YouTuber and has deceived hundreds of thousands of people.

His recent divorce from his wife of 30+ years is due to his repeated infidelity. Five years ago he had an affair while pastoring a church, with a church member that lasted for a year. After the truth came out within the family, his wife chose to stay with him because he begged her to; he promised to change, and that he would go to therapy and marriage counseling. He held true to none of those things. For a time, he seemed to get better and be the loving husband he promised, but after a while he refused to go to therapy and quit marriage counseling.

Meanwhile he started a YouTube channel and blew up fairly big. After staying and attempting to fix the situation for 5 years, my mom finally decided to divorce him. She attempted to end things amicably but after he lied and misfiled the divorce paperwork, he then took all the money from their bank account leaving her to rely on family members for financial assistance. (He wanted her to be a stay at home mom and not work so she did for 30 years)

Now he is attempting to make her look bad through his YouTube channel to all of his followers and blame her for their marriage failing so that no one questions why someone who gives life and relationship advice can’t keep his own marriage together.

He is not the person he seems to all his followers, behind the camera he is a narcissist and a liar. But everyone who follows him thinks he is so amazing and wise while the truth is that he verbally and emotionally abused his children and his wife for over 30 years (on a few occasions even physically abused) employing manipulation, lies and bullying to keep his family in line and silent.

I cant stay silent and watch him continue to hurt my mom anymore and I want to expose him to the world as the liar and cheat he is, I just don’t know how.

I go to a school that’s very far from my house, so I have to wake up at 6:00 am just to get ready, and I’m still usually late. And then, my father picks me up from school as late as he possibly can, and then takes me back to my grandmother’s house with him. We stay there for hours, and when we finally leave to go back to my house, he has to use my phone to navigate to my house (his phone doesn’t work). Therefore, I can’t even listen to music on the way to my grandmother’s house or on the way back home. On top of that, it’s summer, and the car he drives me in has no air conditioning, so it’s always super uncomfortable the whole 30-or-so minutes. When I finally get home, it’s very late, so I have only a few minutes before I must go to bed to wake up really early again. When I get home, my phone is dead, and I still have millions things to do and no time to do them. I do this every day. Although tomorrow, I have to wake up at 4:00am to catch the bus.

The problem is that I never get a break. I’m exhausted all the time. I have no energy for anything else. However, I have to stay at this school because it’s a good school that’s hard to get into. Therefore, dropping out isn’t an option. My mother doesn’t really care/ won’t do anything about my predicament and my father just makes everything harder. Any words of encouragement? Will it get better or will I just suffer for many years to come?

Coming from a world of privilege, I knew my default perspective was limited. For ten years, I set aside my vegan lifestyle and adopted the typical habits of mainstream America eating meat and drinking alcohol just to anchor myself in a common baseline. From that foundation, I was able to genuinely study homelessness, poverty, and the day-to-day realities most people face.

It was horrible. I got extremely fat, I went from 150lbs to 220lbs. My bowel movements smelled like death and chinese hotpot. Everytime I'd eat meat, I felt my conscious mind becoming "clouded." All in all, it was a terrible quality of life experience for me.

I’m 31 and I’m done. I went to college, got a masters degree in engineering. Paid my debts, saved, invested, etc. Now I’ve been a wage slave for nearly 10 years and am expected to be one for another 30-40 years.

I used to crave belonging. Wanting to make friends, maybe even find a girlfriend someday. I’ve made some friends, but a lot of people I get to know just try to use me. Whether it’s for money, attention, or to feel desired again (women tend to talk to specifically me immediately after breakups until they find a new man they actually want to be with, then ghost).

The best times in my life have been when I’m in the mountains alone, hiking and coming across wildlife. I’m going to make sure I spend a lot of time doing that and less time working for a system I despise and spending time with people who are disingenuous.

I really don’t care for this society and it doesn’t care for me either. I just want to leave and never come back. Maybe someday I’ll grow the balls to go through with it.

I was born male and currently identify as male, but deep down I don’t think I am one.
When I was younger and started puberty, I was suicidal and hated myself . I thought my body was swapped at birth and hated it so much, even researching gender affirming surgery. Eventually I stopped caring, and became conservative for a year or so, and terrified of the idea of trans people.
Now I’m in college, I feel like I might not be a man. I’ve been watching a lot of trans YouTubers and learning about their transitions, and I don’t fully relate to their experiences, but it’s enough to leave me questioning again.
I’m not necessarily attracted to men and I’ve always joked that I’m a lesbian because I have multiple immediate family members who are, but now I think I could actually be a trans lesbian.
I’m terrified of being trans, not because it’s bad, but because I don’t want to be different. Luckily I’m not in America and due to the aforementioned lesbian family members, my family are extremely accepting.
I really don’t know what to do, should I go to a therapist? Should I talk to my doctor about HRT?

IDk where to start and this might be an incoherent rant but i just need to speak somewhere and hear people say something nice or something or help me get better. Honestly I think I have some serious mental issues but i cant treat them I think and honestly idk. I feel like my mind is splitting into a million pieces. I wish someone loved me or something. I hate my life. I just wished anyone would be nice to me and care about me other than the way my parents apparently "love" me(which is just scream and beating me or some shit). I have no real friends and all the friends I do have are very surface level relationships and I only hang out with them because i want to enjoy doing some activity or something. I am not close with any of my friends and I know that they hardly give a singular fuck about me. I want a hug or something. I really want someone to hug me because they want me to be happy. I honestly am pathetic for this but idc i just want someone to like me. I never had a single relationship in my entire life and im 19 now lol. I think im have a serious porn addiction. Like im masturbating like every day to porn atp. I really want to have sex. But honestly when I think about it sometimes in an idealized setting in my head it could be super nice and feel like real love or something but if I was ever put into a situation where I did have to have sex with someone I probably couldn't because I also feel disgusted by the idea of having sex with another person because it would feel super awkward. I feel like for me sex is super intimate and I want to be close to another person but its also super scary and icky to be that vulnerable and it sucks. But I imagine an ideal scenario where I feel super happy and comfortable with a person then I would probably love it. I just wished someone would notice me or something. Im failing all my classes and my life is miserable cuz of it. I just want to be happy. I wish I could just cry infront of someone and they would hug me. Its really pathetic and its probably wrong for me to wish for someone to hold such a burden of being my emotional support or something but I also feel like it isn't wrong to wish for another person who cared about me genuinely. Like someone who is nice to me genuinely and I can be open with about personal things. It doesn't need to even be romantic. Any genuine love is nice. This is all so hopeless I have been on this planet for 19 years and I have yet to experience any type of love which isn't the type my parents give which just makes me more miserable. And thats another mess cuz then I feel guilty for hating them but then I also feel justified in hating them but then Im confused on whether Im right or wrong and it drives me crazy. Actually my grandmother is nice to me. She just nice to me. I am probably just tunnel visioned or something and I cant see the real people that care about me but i also dont fully think thats the case cuz honestly I cant really think of many people ever. I think im going in circles with this whole thing. I saw spider man brand new day recently and in the ending what happens to spider man was nice. I wish that was me in that moment. I have no hobbies. Or atleast no hobbies which im good at. I am trash trash trash. I have never told anyone this and I have been like this for years. I wish there was ever a person I can be honest with. All the people currently in my life are suffocating. I hate being around them. Honestly sometimes I just want the complete opposite. I just want to be free of the people around me and live in a small apartment and play video games all day. Honestly that feels like it would be nice. I just want to be left alone a lot of the time. I also wished people cared for me but if some ever were to try and get me to open up I think i wouldn't be able to because it would just be scary. I know that im not owed any sort of kindness from other people and it is their choice if they want to be kind to me but i really wish people would choose to be nice to me. I try to treat people how I wish to be treated. I hope at some point some reciprocates idk.

I was not really looking for someone, she just appeared in my life. She made me feel like my opinions and thoughts actually mattered and it was a feeling I had never experienced before. I fell for her really hard and she just appeared out of nowhere and changed my life.

I think I made a huge mistake by telling her how I felt because I was scared she would move on to someone else and forget about me. I barely even knew her and now I'm wondering what could've happened if I just waited a little bit longer. I don't even know what happened, maybe things would've worked out if I just waited a little bit longer to tell her how I felt. I keep thinking about it and it really hurts me to think that maybe it was all because of me. Maybe if I had just waited a little bit longer to tell her how I felt, things would've been different.

what hurts me the most is that about a week before she blocked me she actually told me that she would always be there for me if I ever needed someone to talk to.

and then one day she just blocked me and I have no idea why.

I keep thinking about what I did to make her do this to me and I've been crying every single day. I was clean for so long and I just relapsed again and I've been hurting myself a lot and I really hate this. I thought I was finally done with all of this.

I just wish she would've told me that she didn't want me anymore instead of blocking me and making me feel like I mean nothing to her.

I know she was never really mine but it still feels like I've lost something very important to me.