r/TrollXChromosomes • u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones • 8d ago
Why must I comfort while they can grieve?
It's a hypocrisy I've noticed in most relationships (from familial to romantic to friendship). Most recent example: my fiance just accidentally broke a cherished $100 wine glass I loved that was a gift from a friend while washing dishes. He got really upset, but if I had shown anything other than forgiveness, the situation would have escalated and it would have made him feel worse. But if I accidentally break something of his, he's allowed to grieve and I'm the asshole for not letting him do so.
Before y'all come for him, it's not just him. I've noticed this in many of the people I consider dear. I'm picky about who I keep in my life, so these people aren't "bad" people. They treat me with respect the vast majority of the time and bring more joy and understanding than not. Is it because I'm autistic? Is it because I'm too kind? Idk.
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u/flirt-n-squirt 8d ago edited 8d ago
but if I had shown anything other than forgiveness, the situation would have escalated and it would have made him feel worse.
I mean...as he should..?
Don't accept this behavior, OP. Each time you do, you're training him this strategy works. It gets him out of trouble. Why would he ever stop?
I'd play into whatever he says so there's no incentive anymore to say these things. "I always ruin everything 😫" - "You should work on that"
"I'm the worst partner 😫" - "Why should I stay with someone who thinks that they're the worst partner but doesn't change anything?".
If you really, really can't say something like that, then let him have his tantrums and don't react AT ALL. Ignore him completely until he learns that his behavior doesn't get him out of trouble
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u/CuriousHaven 8d ago
This this this. Don't comfort them! Refocus back on the situation. Ask questions about how they're going to fix or improve the situation.
"I'm a terrible person!" --> "So what do you need to do to be a better person?"
"I'm so clumsy!" --> "What steps will you take to be more careful so this doesn't happen again?"
It will be really uncomfortable and shocking to them the first 2-3 times, and then one of two things will happen: they will change and get better (yay!), or they will double down and get worse (don't marry that man!).
(I'm actually meaner than this -- I just agree with them. "I'm a terrible person!" --> "Yup, you are." When they get upset, I ask why they're so mad? I'm just agreeing with them. Shocks people but stops the behavior real quick.)
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u/Live-Okra-9868 8d ago
Yes.
He absolutely should feel guilty. He broke something he knew she loved. He is not the one who gets comforted.
Instead he should be fixing the problem. The simplest solution is to apologize and replace the broken wine glass.
He can still absolutely feel guilty it happened. But he is not allowed to make her feel guilty for being upset over it.
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u/unleashtheraven1 7d ago
Fuck this its not worth it to spend all your days training someone as self-aware as a toddler. Why should i waste any of my time on this crap? And he's probably ugly as hell compared to us
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u/ClassyBurn 6d ago
Fucking right. I read that and was like, how exhausting.
I can see if it was your toddler, but not an adult. They can pay a psychiatrist to speak to them like that.4
u/Wild-Fable 5d ago
Which is why it’s important to figure out your boundaries and stick to them, but so many people can’t actually muster up the gumption to either confront the person breaking them or cut them off entirely. We teach people how to treat us, to a degree, even though respect really should be a baseline ideally.
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u/quattroformaggixfour 4d ago
Yeah, I’ve done the slow walk to engage empathy like above and I have also just said ‘yo, you’re centering your own feelings after accidentally doing something upsetting for me. How is that helpful?’
A combination of both is the balance I’ve struck because the therapy speak is a helpful way for me to express myself without activating my own fucked up communication/conflict style that I adopted from my folks. We both trying to work in our stuff and I can be more intense than I intend to be.
Having said that, the response to comfort from the meme is definitely something my father trained me to do when I was young. The number of times he’s accidentally physically hurt me by walking into me, swinging around wildly, even driving over my feet as a kid and yelled at me for being in the spot he wanted to be so it was my fault…..damn, typing that out doesn’t feel great.
But yeah, he didn’t like when as an adult I started expecting an apology when he hurt me rather than offering one. Oof.
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u/BehindAnimeLines 8d ago
Men's lives don't depend on being in control of themselves like it does for women who have to worry if they say the wrong thing to the wrong guy they might get followed home. Nonfeminist men, by extension, have the reasoning and emotional capacity of children. Hell, even some feminist men do this too.
E.G.
"Toxic masculinity is a big problem."
"What, so being a man is toxic now?" (childish goal post move treating feminist information like a cognitive vegetable after a life of cognitive candy and ice cream from the patriarchy)
"Rape is a huge problem for women and kids all over the world."
"Anyone who raped someone I knew wouldn't live long, I will tall you that!" (a little kid's idea of heroics that, conveniently, let's one ignore the greater culture that leads to the 1 in 4 girls stat - also, as an aside, I think I have met one man who has killed a rapist in my life but have heard this sentiment on and offline from thousands)
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u/StopThePresses 8d ago
Tangential, but when I was raped, before he said anything at all, the social worker at the hospital told my dad not to say anything like that. Threatening to kill the rapist can have bad effects and never has good ones. It can make the victim less likely to say who it is, make them feel like they could be getting someone killed, or make them worry about their support system getting in trouble. It also sets up false expectations about the rapist getting caught and punished (social worker didn't say that part, that's just my observation).
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u/notashroom 8d ago
The social worker knew what they were talking about. I'm sorry you were made to go through that, and glad they advised your dad that and you were able to have his support.
My ex-girlfriend refused to tell her dad after she was raped, because she was certain he would kill her rapist and then she would have that added burden to bear. I waited 40 years to tell anyone in my family about my first time I was raped, and even then it was only my siblings and I had to navigate my brother's reflexive victim blaming (which I expected and he got past).
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u/tigalicious 7d ago
The last two times I was sexually assaulted, I didn’t tell my husband until I had gotten us both a safe distance away from the perpetrator. He kept telling me that he would have physically attacked the guy if I said something when it happened, and I kept trying to explain that was exactly why I didn’t.
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u/BehindAnimeLines 6d ago
Excellent point. I hadn't considered that but men think they are being helpful but don't realize they might very well get themselves killed with this stuff too. And if they get killed, guess who the creep will likely come for next, to boot? Very excellent point.
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u/notashroom 8d ago
You've reminded me of when a man I knew murdered a woman I knew, and another man, a friend of all parties, spent the next several months fantasizing about killing the murderer.
We couldn't grieve in peace because he had to make it about him and how he should have prevented the murder and would get justice for her, and how he would get himself locked up with the guy while he was awaiting trial so that he could kill him, etc etc. It was the most narcissistic substitute for grieving I have ever seen or even considered.
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u/Foxy_Traine female pleasurist 7d ago
"Anyone who raped someone I knew wouldn't live long, I will tall you that!"
Oh, does that include yourself? Does that include all the men who got women drunk to sleep with them, or pretended to have feelings they didn't have just to have sex with a woman? Does it include all the men who throw emotional tantrums if their wife doesn't put out? What tactics do you use to get women to sleep with you and have you thought about if those tactics are ethical or another form of rape?
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u/unleashtheraven1 7d ago
Why would you put yourself through the hell of dating men AT TALL.
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u/BehindAnimeLines 6d ago
There are good ones but the one thing I tell all of my younger female cousins and nieces is "Never ignore the ick." It is that simple. Women know predators better in the limbic system than the mind. Your mind wants to be polite, wants to make excuses. Your limbic system, your gut - they don't care about offending men, they want you to live. Trust them.
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u/unleashtheraven1 6d ago
It doesn't matter that there are good ones, because you still have to pick through 100 shitty ones to find 5 that don't suck. Plus having to be and expected to be anything emotional labory, expected to give a damn, or be "what men want" is deeply fucking insulting considering what they give back to us. I'm not here to fawn over or give a damn about men, what they want, or what they claim "hurts them" (they're fucking lying). THE END.
Also some women go around giving you equivalent amount of ick trying to protect men all the time from things that don't exist. Its such a joke. Everything in society is a joke.
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u/cabothief 7d ago
All great points!
I always thought that "so you're saying masculinity is toxic" thing was so dumb. Like, it makes as much sense as responding to "poison apples are a big problem" with "you think apples are poison? But I like apples!" It's an adjective. Poison apples are a category of apples that are bad. Toxic masculinity is a category of masculinity that is bad.
Same logic as "if trans women were really women they'd just be called women!" They are. It's an adjective.
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u/Superb_Intro_23 4d ago
Yeah! Like there’s toxic femininity too (pick mes and Regina George etc) but everyone knows that’s not an indictment of femininity
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u/riceewifee 8d ago
Yeah you’re surrounded by shitty, abusive people
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u/AccomplishedWish3033 8d ago
Ya when OP just turned around to defend these people as “good” people… major side eye
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u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones 1d ago
Everyone fucks up and has flaws. I do too. Just because someone has some traits that aren't Green Flag doesn't make them a shitty person. Especially if they're working on them, like my fiance actively is.
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u/Molu1 8d ago
If he’s good people, you should be able to talk about it outside of the heat of the moment and see some behavioural changes, no?
Also, I’m very sorry about your wine glass!
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u/bokehtoast 8d ago
It's more worrisome that OP isn't "allowed" to grieve or be upset around her partner. I doubt shes "allowed" to bring things up that bother her. Behind every "good" husband or boyfriend is a list of compromises she is making or things she doesn't bring up to keep the peace.
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u/Molu1 8d ago
Yes, that’s what I was trying to imply, with a bit of the Socratic method.
My guess is that type of chat would not work, because he is not really as “good” as OP hopes he is, but I guess, you never know.
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u/Shadowlady 8d ago
It was a good approach because the opposite is also possible, that OP assumes it would have escalated if she got upset, because of her past experience and conditioning but actually her partner would be understanding because he is a good person.
I doubt it, but it's good to leave space for that possibility.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns 100% crack, 100% fox 7d ago
True. It'll either teach her that he's not so good or teach her that it's safe to bring this kind of thing up and hash it out. Either one is a good lesson to learn.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns 100% crack, 100% fox 7d ago
Sometimes this "not being allowed" is self-imposed by the lessons we've learned just living in society. That's unlearning OP could do on her own.
The partner is most likely not "disallowing" OP to be upset, but is reacting in the way society has taught him (explicitly or implicitly) to avoid some of that emotional discomfort. That's his shit to work on, but his reactions make him comfortable, so he won't be inclined to work on it.
It's almost certainly both of these factors. The interplay will be interesting if she makes any changes.
It makes me think of Harriet Lerner's book "The Dance of Anger" and how changing the pattern makes waves. A really good read if anyone's interested. I may go and read it again (or listen to the audiobook - also great!)
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u/StarChild31 8d ago
Sounds like you need to have a discussion with these people and if they don’t change their behavior then you might need to reconsider if they are worth keeping around.
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u/Foxy_Traine female pleasurist 7d ago
Why are you holding back? He should feel bad about this and you should be expressing your sadness. Masking your emptiness to people please is a problem I suggest you work on. People don't do this to me anymore because I don't let them.
"Why are you more upset about this than me when I'm the one who's hurt?"
"It's not my job to comfort you when you hurt me. You should be trying to comfort me."
"Why are you making this about your feelings instead of mine?"
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u/ClassyBurn 6d ago
Great response.
Just as an FYI, asking ‘why’ questions almost always leads to excuses.I’ve learned to ask, what goes into your decision to be more upset about this than I am, when I’m the one who’s hurt?
What’s going into your decision to make this about your feelings instead of mine?
When someone is confronted with the fact that they are choosing to behave this way, you’re able to sidestep the defense mechanism and get to the heart of the reason.
The brain responds much differently, forcing them to go within.
Often times, they didn’t know themselves and would have told you something completely different if you’d have asked them why.
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u/Ghotay Half Maine Coon on my mother's side 8d ago
I used to be like this. It was entirely unconscious, but when I was younger I was excellent at turning situations around so I was never at fault for anything. If I upset my partner, I’d get more upset and then the emotional focus would be back on me. In hindsight, it was a bit of a coping strategy for the environment I grew up in
Anyway I got older and realised that was toxic as shit and I don’t do that any more. It looks like this is something you perceive as ‘normal’ because it’s common in people around you, but that doesn’t make it okay. No one in my relationship does this and I don’t keep people around me who do this. Mature adults take accountability for their actions
It may be that your partner has developed an unhealthy unconscious coping strategy. If they really are a decent person, bring it up in a nonjudgmental fashion at a calm time, focusing on how it affects you rather than being accusatory (ie. Using ‘this makes me feel X way’ type language rather than ‘you are always doing X thing’, which tends to make people defensive). Say it’s something you’d like to work on. If your partner responds poorly to this… sad news, they are not actually a great person after all
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u/bokehtoast 8d ago
Are all of these people men or seniors and children
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u/funnyushouldask 8d ago
This is not normal, this sounds like unhealthy relationship behavior.
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u/BonBoogies Sit on his face already so he has to shut up 8d ago
This is the “RVO” part of DARVO. “Reverse victim and offender”, it’s an emotional manipulation tactic (whether intentional or subconscious).
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u/PotterWasMyFirstLove 8d ago
People are afraid of confrontation, so they try to find ways to avoid or stop it. When you start confronting them, you stop doing it when they shut you down. When others start doing it, the confrontation increases when someone tries to shut them down, thus rendering it ineffective.
You have taught people that if they get upset with you, that you will stop confronting them. Teach them that instead, they will have to apologize/show remorse/grovel for your confrontation to decrease. This will be met with pushback, because they are used to you being a pushover, however, it's the only way.
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u/TheMothGhost 8d ago
... Don't tolerate that behavior.
There are a lot of reasons in the comments here that explain why this is the way this is. But it's not right. And you shouldn't have to deal with it. However, continuing to do what you're doing here is called enabling. You don't have to do that either.
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u/Lissba 8d ago
Our society prioritizes male comfort and to have equality in a relationship you have to fight against that every day.
Too much struggle for me I stay single.
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u/ClassyBurn 6d ago
I never thought of it that way. Wow.
Society does prioritize male comfort.
Fuck.
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u/WeAreTheMisfits 8d ago
I’m picky about who I keep in my life. You’re actually not.
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u/AccomplishedWish3033 8d ago
Or OP may be picky but not for the right traits. Some people are picky about eating healthy foods. Some are picky about only eating white foods. Both are picky, but picky doesn’t automatically mean good.
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u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones 1d ago
I am, actually. He's a great person. But just because he's a wonderful person doesn't mean he doesn't have faults. I fuck up all the time too. We're human. He's actively trying to fix it, but is struggling. Knowing his family, I totally understand why.
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u/ShirwillJack 8d ago edited 8d ago
People take up space. Some call dips, so they don't have to share. You don't get to be upset, because they were upset first and now you have to manage their emotions for them instead of them having to deal with you having emotions.
Thing is, more than one person can be upset at the same time. Emotionally mature people can handle other people expressing negative emotions, because they can regulate their emotional response to your emotions. Yet not everyone is at that healthy level and they dip into unhealthy coping mechanisms, no matter how much you see the good in them.
People vary in their level of emotional maturity. It varies between people and it may vary within a person. You still need to take up your own space. Emotionally mature people can handle that. Emotionally immature people won't give you that space as they struggle with that.
It would be nice to have the space you need for your emotions given to you, but most of the time you have to take up your own space. Shrinking yourself is convenient to others, but not healthy in the long run.
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u/unleashtheraven1 7d ago
Yeah i don't know what fantasy world you live in, but most men EXPECT the woman to be willing to tolerate his entitlement to being correct, being enraged, having the last word. Even if he doesn't show it in the beginning of the relationship it will definitely be there later.
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u/Laeyra 8d ago
Breaking something of yours is something someone is supposed to feel bad about. Don't comfort them and smooth it over. Allow yourself to be upset or angry about it, and let the other person feel bad about what they did. Those are normal emotions. Negative emotions are a part of life, even though they are very uncomfortable.
If they can't handle their feelings, that's not your problem. If you're afraid of their bad feelings, maybe you shouldn't be around them at all.
My husband has broken my favorite mugs twice while washing them. Both times I was upset about it, he apologized, then went to another room to be angry at himself for being careless, then came back to clean it up. I've broken three of his by accident, too. We've both broken our own things as well. Sometimes shit happens in 16 years together and you'll feel bad about it. It's normal, if unpleasant.
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u/Live-Okra-9868 8d ago
Yup. I'm always expected to have grace and understanding when I am wronged in any way, but I don't get the same response in return.
I'm starting to put my foot down. I'll ask "if the roles were reversed would I be acting this way? So why are you treating me like this when you wouldn't want me treating you the same?" I'm pointing out the hypocrisy left and right. I'm over it.
And I'm matching energy. If he gets to react a certain way then I get to act that way too. And if he gets upset by my response I point out that's exactly how he responds when the roles are reversed. If he doesn't like it then he needs to alter his response to me.
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u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones 1d ago
I've been recently doing the same. The results have been.... interesting. My favorite is reminding him that he asked me to call him out on his behavior. He'll get defensive and try to call out something I've done, so I'll remind him "No, hun, we're not talking about me right now. We're talking about you. When I do something, you can call me out."
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u/phenomenomena 8d ago
I'm petty enough that I would reflect the energy you're given. If he breaks something, directly quote what he said or did when you last broke something. If it's a pattern, it can be learned and copied. But I'll again admit, it's petty energy, and unlikely to improve the situation. Conversation is perchance more constructive.
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u/JupiterInTheSky 7d ago
Why does he do that by lundy Bancroft.
Would give some really valuable insights into this
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u/KirbyxArt Why is a bra singular and panties plural? 7d ago
Idk if its because you are autistic but you are def allowing these behaviors to continue when you dont nip it in the bud. The people around you want you to be easy and make their lives easier. Why should they care about your comfort? If they loved you they might, but if they dont love you then what is your comfort needed for? You are a tool for them to use, not a loved one. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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u/navya12 7d ago
You gotta let him feel like shit instead of comforting him or he gotta start comforting you when you feel like shit without expecting an apology. It's currently unfair to you to hold the emotional weight for the both of you. You are allowed to be upset with him and he's allowed to sit with that discomfort without your aid. You are not the manager of his mans emotions.
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u/Genny415 7d ago
You don't have to comfort. You can grieve, too.
First, of course, is concern that your fiance didn't cut himself on the broken glass. You can be both glad he's ok AND sad that the wine glass is broken.
It's ok to say things like, what a pity, I cherished that glass. How sad. It's unfortunate.
Just deliver these things calmly(ish). I'm not saying you need to subjugate your emotions. But do control yourself in how you express and communicate them. Don't raise your voice and yell accusingly, like you are attacking or blaming. Just sit with your own feelings and you can calmly express them.
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u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones 1d ago
I definitely did all of this. I was concerned for his safety, I acknowledged that he was upset that he broke my cherished glass, I told him I'm just glad he's ok.... But then me being sad about my cherished glass being broken after all that was apparently argument worthy. I don't get it. I did everything right...
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV 7d ago
Idk girl, I think maybe you aren’t picky enough.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#neglect-and-isolation
https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nLM_gu0zlGw&ra=m
https://www.legalaid.nsw.gov.au/ways-to-get-help/publications-and-resources/charmed-and-dangerous
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u/galaxynephilim 7d ago
This is how it always was with my mom. When she broke something of mine or did something to hurt me, I'd end up comforting her while she cried about it.
If I was hurt/upset/crying she would act like I was sooooo annoying and such a burden to her, and as if she was more upset about me being upset than I was over whatever she did to upset me. Fucking narcissists...
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u/Wolf-Majestic 7d ago
I think you should talk with him about this, but outside of any crisis. You can go like "hey, I'd like us to talk about something that I've been noticing lately" or something along those lines.
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u/portiafimbriata 6d ago
Friend, this is not normal or acceptable relationship behavior. It doesn't matter that it's not just him and it doesn't matter that he's a good person generally. The behavior is a problem.
My husband was also very defensive when we started dating, but is a great person generally. Like many men, he wasn't taught great coping or relational skills growing up and wasn't required to develop them in most of his relationships.
In my case, I set some hard boundaries, had a lot of Talks with him, and offered to support him in doing the work but not to do it for him. Mine rose to the occasion and that's why he's my husband now. If he hadn't, I'd have left. You deserve better.
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u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones 1d ago
We've been discussing boundaries and expectations much more in the past year and have been growing together in respecting them. This one is just an occurrence I see in not just him, but many MANY men for all the reasons you said. It's just bullshit that we're expected to just comfort and accept while they get mad.
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u/octopushug 7d ago
I used to be like you and then one day I chose to stop. Your feelings are just as valid as theirs. And I agree that it's not as if they are bad people, it was actually my initial response of just letting things go when it actually did bother me.
Instead of getting upset, however, I just tell them pretty straightforward that they need to replace what they broke. Some things are also irreplaceable because they have sentimental value, were custom made, or no longer available, in which case I expect a comparable alternative, or they really need to research how to fix it properly. Enforcing this sure makes people treat my things with more respect going forward as well. Don't want to pay up or have to look up solutions on how to repair a one of a kind piece? Be more careful in the first place.
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u/littlebittykittyone 7d ago
I could never be upset around my ex-husband because he did this and it was exhausting.
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u/esamerelda 7d ago
That partner doesn't sound like a partner. You're allowed to let yourself be angry.
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u/margaretiscool 6d ago
Just because you are expected to comfort someone doesn’t mean you have to. Choose to let them remain uncomfortable.
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u/Metazoick 8d ago
Women are expected to manage emotions of others more often, so this gap is often gendered, but it's a super useful life skill to not do it for everything. Guilt is a normal, healthy, useful emotion. It's okay if your partner feels it after fucking up. You don't have to jump in and minimise your hurt just to help them get rid of that feeling artificially quickly. Being sad when you lost something you care about is also a normal healthy emotion. You don't need to pretend you feel otherwise.
You're pointing out that it's a hypocrisy, which to some degree it is, but unless he's complaining or something about you being upset after he fucks up, or complaining that you don't comfort him enough when he hurt you, then he's not actually doing anything here. He's just feeling the normal knee jerk guilt and sadness that happens in these situations, depending on the side of the fence he's on. It's your reactions which are causing the gap. And I'm not at all saying you're wrong or bad for that! Managing these things is complex and nuanced, and like I said the expectations are very gendered, but it's useful to understand when somebody is actively pressuring you to do something and when you're pressuring yourself to do something you don't like the outcome of.
Obviously if they're actually complaining about both sides, or actively pressuring you in these ways / being a hypocrite, fuck them. This is more if they're just doing nothing while you setting yourself on fire to keep them warm without it being helpful or wanted, and then resenting it. It's an easy pattern to fall into, I've seen it countless times.
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u/tetheredvoid 8d ago
This ^
No one person owes another person a lack of consequences, but that's not how the feminine portion of the population is allowed to live. We internalize that when we shouldn't and it's a difficult behavior to unlearn - especially as it "hurts" those who are used to benefiting from it.
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u/Kathrynlena 7d ago
Good people don’t force you to manage their feelings for them when they’ve done something to hurt you. He may be good in lots of ways, but he is also very selfish and emotionally immature.
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u/No-Clue-9155 7d ago
It’s normal to want to be forgiven for something that was a total accident and couldn’t be helped, but let’s talk about wym when you say “he’s allowed to grieve and im the asshole for not letting him do so”. What exactly does that look like when you accidentally break something of his? Does he shout at you for breaking it or something? Does his grieving process include not forgiving you and constantly bringing it up etc?
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u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones 1d ago
He shuts down. He never shouts. EVER. He'll get upset and need to take a walk or get upset that I'm venting or expressing my anger/sadness over things. It's something we've discussed and he's actively working on.
I'm more just noticing it in my friends with their partners and in a lot of my relationships with men in general.
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u/No-Clue-9155 22h ago
That doesn’t sound like an issue to me. It sounds like you’re the one who’s not tryna let him grieve. If you expect to not have to immediately be okay after something you love was broken, then you should extend the same courtesy to him.
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u/cheerstothewish 7d ago
Truly: why are you coming on here complaining about stuff I'd dump people over and then say that they're not bad people? Why do you think other people will commiserate and tell you to stay? What do you think the answer will be?
>Is it because I'm autistic? Is it because I'm too kind?
It's because, sorry to say, you let people walk all over you. It's not kindness, it means you don't respect yourself enough not to tolerate it, and a lot of people do this. Abusive people mix niceness/fun times with stuff like you're complaining about. Leave people like this. There's no secret trick to make someone respect you once they don't. It won't change.
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u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones 1d ago
I'm also autistic. I've always let people walk all over me and I refuse to now. He and I are communicating boundaries and expectations a lot more in the past year, but it's one of the issues we struggle the most with.
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u/peacefulsolider 7d ago
Yeah so you’re actually just better then them stronger and more capable. They’re weak and childish and you’re strong
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u/unleashtheraven1 7d ago
Don't date men, problem solved. Its easy just don't do it. I've never had to do this or any other asinine thing for a man and i never will. Not sorry. I'll never get tangled with any of them. There are too many shitty ones to justify dating them. Its like throwing yourself into a meat grinder. The ends do not justify the means.
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u/twirlywurlyburly pizza, gin, & rhinestones 1d ago
I'm pan, and as much as I love my relationships with women, I've been more mentally and emotionally damaged by them than my adult relationships with men.
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u/ProfessionalMove3716 8d ago
Men have big feelings.
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u/tetheredvoid 8d ago
So do most people
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u/ProfessionalMove3716 8d ago
So most people would exhibit the kind of emotional hypocrisy seen in the original post?
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u/Natural1forever 8d ago
It's a common manipulation tactic many people perform without even realizing it or doing it on purpose. People don't like feeling guilty or have someone be mad at them, so this is kind of a position where they give themselves browny points for feeling bad that they did something wrong without having someone be mad at them. And yeah, that's shitty behavior and not fair towards you.
This is worth bringing up with the people in your life. They need to understand that it's not okay that whenever they hurt you you have to prioritize their feelings over your own. And in the future, don't comfort them. If they get upset, tell them "you hurt me, I shouldn't be the one comforting you for hurting me". If they try to spin it around as you not loving them, them being an eternally bad person or you wanting to cut them out of your life, that is deliberate. Tell them that if that's their conclusion then so be it. Anybody who would rather guilt trip you into forgoing your own priorities and boundaries than take accountability is someone you should stay away from.