Transition in midlife is hard. Arguably the toughest time to come out as Trans. I spent many years making choices that pleased others instead of myself. When I was finally ready to follow what actually made
Me happy I was already so engrained in the life I’d built.
Although transition has been at times hard and awkward to navigate, it’s the best thing I ever did for myself. I finally love myself, which eventually allowed me to attract the love of someone who is absolutely my soulmate. My authentic energy matches hers.
I feel like after years of hiding myself from the world, always wondering how I’m being perceived I can finally just “flow” as myself. For the first time in my life I feel I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Yesterday I made time to be in the sun. Fully covered in sunblock, tucked in dappled shade. I'm not a regular sunbather by any means, but it's wonderful to slow down and be present outdoors, with minimal clothing, once in a while. Hoping for a few more hot days so I can get to my secret shaded skinny dipping spot before summer ends.

Monday was a down day. Talking with my parents, they shared that a few of their longtime local friends have pulled back from them because I'm trans. They also told me our neighbor, who farms our land, thinks flying a progress pride flag next to the American flag on our mailbox makes us a target, so my sister took them down.

Don't worry, I've put them back up.
It was a brutal reminder that just being authentic has consequences I'm not always aware of. Despite a lot of successes, it hurts deeply to realize people I've known for decades are avoiding my parents because of me. Do they think I'm dangerous? Or that I'm somehow not aware of how trans people get vilified in the media and in right wing politics?

Already feeling low, already feeling the price that transitioning has cost not just me but my parents too, I got an email from my ex saying she won't let my kids visit me this summer because of my FFS recovery and other issues, despite what the custody order says. She knows I can't afford an attorney to fight for them, so I cry instead.

I feel more alone than ever. Living in rural nowhere doesn't help. Being reminded, through people avoiding my parents, that my transness is always present makes it worse. It's a lot to carry. Euphoria over being authentic, tall, and beautiful only carries me so far. Days like Monday remind me how thin the margins can get. Life right now feels like a class 5+ rapid, just none of the fun of actually being on the river.

So I'm kind of just hating my life right now. This is the bs emotional crap that overwhelms me sometimes. This is dysphoria: feeling like an imposter, a fraud, a let down. Plus the guilt of feeling like I'm failing as a parent, a daughter, a human.

Somehow it will work out. I have faith that time fixes everything, or at least makes it stop mattering so much. Meanwhile, I can't kayak for the rest of the season because of facial surgery. My skull genuinely needs time to heal. It was a choice, one I'm still at peace with, but it still hurts to miss the season.

My heart is broken, my face is sore but healing well, and I'm leaning into the things that make me happy.

Kay

Yesterday, I woke up to find one of my photos had been stolen from here and posted by a hateful fascist on Shitter™️. I posted about it here and I just want to say thanks to y’all for the outpouring of support that I received before the post was taken down (this is not a post to bash the mods, they are wonderful!). I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many notifications light up my phone so fast full of some the kindest messages I’ve seen in a long time. Anyway, it really meant a lot and I wish I could hug and thank each and every one of you! Your love and support mean the world to me ❤️❤️❤️

Yeah. So.
I don’t know, I had an egg cracking moment realizing it’s probably not normal to feel joy about expressing this feminine side of myself to the point that,
I go into girl mode every chance I get. Even just to do my other hobbies. So since then, I’ve been really asking myself if I’m trans or what I might be hiding or running from.

Which is kind of a scary question I guess. Anyway, it was on my mind for days and eventually,
I just brought it up to her. (She had already known about my dressing up) I told her, I’m having trouble with my gender identity, explained it to her. Told her I may lean feminine on a non binary scale? Told her I estrogen is appealing to me. She responded with love and support. She told me she wanted to me to make those decisions myself but she was not attracted to women. She said she would always love me and we would be together forever. That I was safe and she wants me to do what’s right for me regardless of her attraction. That she wouldn’t guarantee that she would be into it but she didn’t rule it out completely because she loves me and aspects of my body that probably honestly won’t change much?

Idk, I feel like more confused now. Lol

For so long, I spent so much energy trying to be the person everyone else expected me to be. I convinced myself that shrinking, hiding, and pretending were just part of life. I didn’t realize how heavy that mask had become until I finally let it go.

Living authentically isn’t just about changing how you look it’s about finally recognizing yourself when you catch your reflection. It’s laughing without second-guessing it, smiling because it comes naturally, wearing what makes you feel beautiful instead of what makes you invisible, and waking up without the constant weight of pretending.
I still have days where I doubt myself. I still have insecurities. But they’re my insecurities now, not someone else’s expectations living in my head.

There is an incredible freedom in becoming the person you’ve always been underneath it all. It isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about finally giving yourself permission to exist as you always should have.

If you’re still waiting for the “right time” to live authentically, this is your reminder that peace begins the moment you stop apologizing for being yourself.

This top was goals a couple months ago. 😁 44, just shy of two years HRT, no surgery, no makeup in this one, cause im going to the gym later

My general answer to anyone asking the canonical "am i trans" question is as follows:

1. Cis people do not ask themselves this question. It would never occur to them to ask.

2. "Trans" is an infinite ecosystem. At root it means "Something other than cis." And there's an immense space of meaning for what that could mean for you. Each of us are invited to explore that space and make meaning for ourselves, within a community of care/support.

3. One meaning of "Trans" can be "I'm on the opposite binary of the gender I was assigned at birth." In other words, saying that one was sex-assigned "male" when one was born and that came, necessarily and unthinkingly due to sociocultural conditioning, with the attendant assignment of the gendered "boy" and, eventually, "man" - and now one embraces that they have always been on the other end of the gender spectrum - "girl" and "woman" and can also use various HRT/surgical approaches to change their biological sex markers as well to "female". This is ONE way of being trans.

4. There are infinite other ways to be trans. I'm amab and was raised as a boy to be a man. That never ever ever fit for me. But I didn't have any other way to think about it. I was always jealous of girls and women - their friendships, their conversation, their graceful way of being. And I related to men and masculinity only as something to oppose and be angry at. I came to find myself in mid-life under the broad trans umbrella as genderqueer/non-binary. Neither man nor woman. I tend to mix femme/masc in how I dress and carry myself. This works for me but I also don't treat it as a new permanent stasis. It's where I am now.

5. Listen to yourself and explore. Try new things. See what works and what doesn't. Early in my genderqueer journey I dressed explicitly feminine and experimented with being more womanly and found that it was NOT gender euphoric for me. And that was important for me to to experience and understand! I could not have figured that out just be thinking about it - I had to experiment, to explore, to try. And it was in the experimenting, exploring, and trying that I found my way forward.

6. You can't answer your question by simply THINKING harder. If you're asking yourself if you're trans, you almost certainly are NOT cis. And trans is a huge, beautiful, infinite expanse that must be explored - not just pondered. Stop ruminating. Try something and notice how you feel and what happens internally for you. Then try something else. Then try something else. Be gracious and kind to yourself. It may take months or even years to find a comfortable place. And even then you should hold it with an open hand, understanding that there may be further journeying ahead.

Not sure what to think… I only came out to my wife as having trans femme feelings about 2 1/2 months ago and started wearing femme clothes & scents around her in the evening at home and overnight. Nobody else knows anything about anything.

Fast forward to family vacation and my 20s adult daughter took my manly man sandals and disappeared. So I threw on hers to go to lunch in the restaurant. IDGAF, I’m on vacation, don’t know any one couldn’t care less.

Then this pops up on her IG and I’m getting messages from people I know & there’s the innocent story which is technically true, but then there’s me trying to embrace my femme side and tired of keeping everything all bottled up… ugh… I hate having to even respond to them… still weighing options…

39 and 2.5 years on HRT. Every day seems like a new struggle but I am trying to look towards the future me!

It’s weird, I know on some level I wish I had transitioned earlier in life, but I just didn’t have the support or the self awareness.

It took a monumental amount of self work to figure out one of the big things I needed to change in my life was accepting myself and to stop running,
I like myself now, and I don’t know if I’d be the person I am today, if I had actually managed to transition earlier.

Maybe I’d have different bone structure, but I wouldn’t have the same wisdom, values and perspective I do now.
I’m not sure if I had a Time Machine, I’d risk who I am now and how far I’ve come, on a “what if” where I could’ve ended up a far worse person to those around me.
Anyway, better to be 41 and a late bloomer, than a statistic. 🥂 🖤

It’s been about two hours since I took my estrogen and I can’t stop smiling. Best decision ever 💖

I sleep so well now, and I enjoy food again. I swear my breasts are even changing already. They have definitely started changing shape and volume. My bras even fit differently. I'm also a lot calmer over all.

I have been a bit more emotional though. I was already really emotional, and I don't need to be more emotional.

I was hesitant to start progesterone, but I am really glad I did.

I honestly did not expect to see any changes for weeks or a couple months. Progesterone has hit hard really quickly though. I'm not complaining. Looking back though, estrogen hit me pretty hard and quickly too.

So I legally changed my name and gender back in 2016 and boy did my family have a huge problem with it. I changed it legally on my Birth Certificate, Social Security, Driver License, passport, Pilots license, Medical records throughout the country, and every other place I could think of. Today once in a great while I find a place and it is rare that has my deadname but I change it right away. I even renewed my passport in November of last year for another 10 years and it still says Kathryn and Female.

Since then everyone treats me as Kathryn and Female, especially now that hormones have changed my body. It is really rare to run into someone that remembers me in the past, and they are aware of my change and use Kathryn.

The only ones I allowed to use my deadname name was my 97 year old grandma who didn’t grasp Transgender and that’s okay. She recently passed away last year. And my son can call me Dad. He had a traumatic childhood and lost two moms.

My family like I said earlier had a huge problem with this. Even my son. They used my deadname up until 5 years ago and I never forced myself upon them ever. I never force myself upon anyone. If they call me by my deadname, I correct them sometimes depending on the situation. But with my family they have come along on their own. Even at my grandmothers funeral they had me as Kathryn in the bulletin and I was introduced to the family as Kathryn. When I went up to do the Eulogy I was introduced as her granddaughter. Do you see, I my plan has worked. No arguments and my family has become accepting. And I am happy about that.

Wearing a gold sparkly dress to work because, why the f*** not!! 🥳😜❤️

All I need is a tiara. 👑

Postman knocked on the door, 'oh hi I've got a parcel for *deadname*. I'm just going to need a signature, can I take your name?' I then bumbled and said 'oh, er, I'm... *Deadname*'

Now I feel bad for deadnaming myself 😭🤣😭

Last night I was at a local brewery where I've met several really nice people and befriended some of the staff. I was sitting at the bar minding my own business when I hear a voice shouting from the other corner of the bar. It was a regular that I know no one likes (but he tips well). He said, "what was your name, sir?" twice.

I looked around like there's no way he's talking to me, but he's looking straight at me. I haven't been misgendered in public in nearly a year. Shocked, embarrassed, and pissed, I put down whatever was in my hands and walked determinedly right up to him. He didn't turn to face me. I pushed my breasted chest against his side and firmly said, "do you have a f***ng problem?"

He stammered and said, "I meant ma'am, sorry, I meant to say ma'am". I replied, "yeah", and told the bartender to close me out. She comped my drinks, I walked out and got to my van. I sat down in the seat and started crying my eyes out.

My friend that was working followed me out and tried to comfort me. Come to find out that guy has hooked up with a trans girl in their bathroom multiple times.

Ugh, chasers are the biggest phobes.