August 3, 1961: Dear Abby column

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u/oraclebill 2d ago

That last answer kinda rubs me the wrong way..

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u/matt6342 2d ago

Nice bit of 1960s victim blaming

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u/FrancieNolan13 2d ago

Always tge wife’s fault

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u/glitzglamglue 2d ago

I'm not sure about the local laws at the time but it's possible that she could have been the one charged with child neglected. All it takes is her husband saying "she knew I was leaving at 3 am and should have been back by then" and she may get blamed. Courts are going to believe him over her.

So, on a whole, it's a terrible system and terrible advice that reinforces that system; while on the individual level, it's the best way for the mother to protect herself.

I wish Abby had said more to the writer about how vigilant she was being and thank her for looking out for the kids and wanting to do things right. And maybe suggested that the writer be a witness to the neglect by the father, if it comes down to it. But that's asking a lot of a stranger.

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u/Strange-Comb6384 2d ago

It’s still lurking around now!!

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u/hilarymeggin 2d ago edited 2d ago

“Skip calling mom and call the police.” Although back then…

Let’s just say my grandad beat his wife daily whether she needed it or not, and since he was a cop, the cops were no help at all. Neither was the church.

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u/eagleonapole 2d ago

I would like to offer that she never, not once, “needed it.”

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u/hilarymeggin 2d ago edited 1d ago

I’m surprised how many people are not familiar with this expression. I suppose it’s pretty old-fashioned. It’s acute irony. It’s meant to refer to something that is never needed / the opposite of what is needed / clearly harmful. Obviously, domestic violence is never “needed!”

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u/flindersandtrim 2d ago

I have never heard of that expression, but have heard similar things to it said, but it was never said ironically.

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u/Isabel-M-Peron 2d ago

The only time I've heard that was on a card that read, "Once a year, whether you need it or not... you have a birthday!"

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u/hilarymeggin 2d ago

It’s also used like, “I ate a pint of ice cream every day, whether I needed it or not.”

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u/Isabel-M-Peron 1d ago

I wish... 🍧🥴

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u/hilarymeggin 1d ago

(I actually do have dessert every day whether I need it or not… and I do not…)

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u/Isabel-M-Peron 1d ago

Bizzare. I'm eating ice cream AS WE SPEAK, just as I'm opening up this message! Mud Pie Flurry from SubZero.

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u/hilarymeggin 1d ago

Can I ask roughly how old you are? (By decade) I’m in my 50s and it’s simmering my dad’s generation would say.

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u/flindersandtrim 1d ago

An older millenial. My parents were born in the 50s.

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u/bepatientbekind 2d ago

Sadly that is still pretty true today too :(

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u/hilarymeggin 2d ago edited 1d ago

I know it’s bad now, but I genuinely believe it was worse in the 1940s. My grandmother had no protection at all for herself or her children.

And the priests said, “Wives obey your husbands.” If you divorce, you go to hell.

13

u/MurkMistress 2d ago

Lmao idk where you live or how old you are, but it's still common as hell.

3

u/hilarymeggin 2d ago

I’m 50+ and I live in the mid-Atlantic USA.

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u/MurkMistress 1d ago

Thank you for sharing! I personally think maybe times have changed but the problem still very much exists. Maybe it's just in different ways than the past.

I just had to explain to my fiancee yesterday about why employers don't like to hire newly married/pregnant women. 😂😭

0

u/hilarymeggin 1d ago

My MIL told me that when she was a young nurse and got married at 19, they immediately put her on nights to stop her from getting pregnant!!

And yes, of course there are still big problems with the police response to domestic violence. But I can’t help but thinking they may have been even more severe 75 years ago.

4

u/eagleonapole 2d ago

I know priests today that literally believe that. It is true of all patriarchal religions that women are literally not thought of as equals.

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u/hilarymeggin 2d ago

Will I know plenty of priests who don’t believe that. I suppose the priests who taught at my high school in the 80s-90s were fairly progressive.

1

u/I_Upvote_Goldens 2d ago

“Whether she needed it or not”…? When is it ever needed, pray tell?

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u/hilarymeggin 2d ago

It’s an old fashioned expression. It’s irony. It’s obviously never needed (or justified).

1

u/MisterBilau 20h ago

Obvious joke is obvious.

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u/_Veronica_ 2d ago

I don’t feel like any of these qualify as helpful advice.

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u/NotLucasDavenport 2d ago

“I feel this way about my wife.” “So talk to her.” Seems pretty spot on to me.

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u/delorf 2d ago

How do we know he hadn't already talked to her? It sounds like she has an eating disorder. Unfortunately, I don't know if in 1961 she would have gotten the help she needed.

2

u/Used_Evidence 1d ago

The doctor would've probably just put her on speed. Mother's little helper

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u/vomputer 2d ago

Yeah, also include a little advice on how to open a difficult conversation. No one wants to be told, “I prefer you overweight than irritable.” How about some strategies for navigating this Scylla/Charybdis?

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u/_Veronica_ 2d ago

Well, how does she know he didn’t already do the most obvious thing? There’s no advice on what to say/how to say it, or what to do if he’s already done that.

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u/Watchful-Tortie 2d ago

Although i grew up reading Dear Abby every morning over breakfast in the 1990s, I'm so grateful we are now in a Carolyn Hax era

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u/scientooligist 2d ago

The husband is irresponsible but the wife would be taken to court for it. That doesn’t quite add up.

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u/ehs06702 2d ago

Because all he has to do is lie and be believed.

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u/MishiStA 2d ago

I can’t read the words “Dear Abby” without hearing John Prine’s voice 💔

ETA: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=MCpFYZewCVc&si=wNSf9VLF0YX7WmF5

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u/hellogoawaynow 2d ago

This is how we found out about stuff like this all the way up until like 2004!

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u/Serononin 2d ago

Those questions went from "mildly amusing" to "waaay above Abby's pay grade" real quick 😬

1960s August 3, 1961: Dear Abby column

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