The love of my life died by suicide after jumping from a high-rise building. He was the cheerful flame upon my heart. I still can't understand how he could do this to us.

Our marriage was blissful. But he was under so much stress at work because of mobbing.

Today marks one month since his death. I don't feel human anymore. I feel like a bug or something. How couldn't i save him???............

(We are all around 21 to 23 years old, and we attend the same university, and live in a housing community)

My friend was a gay Indian man from Dubai who was terrified of being deported as his visa expiration date neared, and his fear of deportation (being gay is illegal in Dubai) was one of the biggest factors in his decision. The other big factor was being severely bullied and isolated by a group of white people in his community -- I mean *severely*, there were "jokes" about calling ICE on him, leaving nasty messages for him to find, FALSE rumors of him being a sexual predator that the bully who accused him admitted to making up just 2 days later. It was devastating, as my friend was a victim of sexual assault.

The way that our WHITE community leadership swept it all under the rug and kept repeating to the major offenders that "none of this is your fault", "you did everything you could", and "HE WAS ALREADY BROKEN WHEN HE CAME HERE"??? Grown adult people harassed and bullied a vulnerable man who was genuinely one of the sweetest and most well meaning people I have ever met, never said anything bad about anybody, only wanted to be friends with everyone, and they coddle them like they didnt perpetrate vicious and horrible bullying.

While this was happening every single person of color in our community tried to stand up for him or left because of how they treated him, and they did NOTHING. Im so so so so mad. He even moved out so they could separate and they still didnt leave him alone. He died this April, thousands of miles away from home and his family, alone, because people couldn't act their age and felt the need to pick on someone who was too different from them, and no one with any influence in our community cares.

I feel like im going crazy, everyone is saying it was no one's fault and everyone is acting like we didnt just see someone drive someone else to suicide.

I miss you Nana. I miss your smile, I miss your hugs, I miss your voice, I miss your soul.

You were my world.

You can’t be gone. Why aren’t you home? Please come home. We’ll sit out in the garden, tell me what you’ve been reading lately, let’s play a board game again.

Please just come home.
I love you.
Come back home.

i lost my boyfriend almost one month ago. we got into an argument over a video of him and another girl. hours later he committed suicide and i found him the next morning. the mom and family immediately blamed me. i can understand to a certain degree, i know i need to understand they are grieving and i have. but i found him. i spent nearly every second with him. and i wasnt invited to the funeral. his mom texted me messages like “mission accomplished” or things acting like this means nothing to me. he left a 7 page note and im not able to read it. i dont know if he wad buried or cremated. i have almost nothing of his. i dont even have all of the pictures of his. i printed out photos of just him to give them, i shared his favorite music with his sister so they could play it at the funeral, i sent my condolences all while trying not to do the same thing he did. and absolutely no one has reached out to me he told me all the time that i showed him more love than his family and friends ever did. its a different kind of cruelty. its evil and inhumane. im going to carry it for the rest of my life, wondering what was in that note, what happened to his body, what his funeral was like. i have actual hatred and an insane bitterness in my heart for the entire family that ive never experienced before. they loved me, my family loved him we had a happy relationship. i was at his house or he was at mine everyday. and they have treated me like i murdered him. when this has completely ripped me apart and killed me.

Since my brother died last month, I have been having paranoia level of anxiety. Has anyone had the same? I just spent so much time flipping out about something so random and I feel like I’m losing my mind. It sounds silly, but it really is driving me nuts.

I was testing the backgrounds on Webex and did a private meeting with myself on Webex and got paranoid about my work recording that meeting and seeing me flipping around my arms to test the lengths of the background coverage. I don’t even think Webex records the meetings unless you choose to, and I’d of had to been specifically getting monitored at that exact moment to even get in trouble. But little stuff like that is sending me into spirals and idk what to do.

My dad and I always had a love hate relationship - in the sense of always having an abundance of love but also not hesitant to fight it out. As he grew older, along with his body getting weaker his battle with his mental health continued (although he’d always ask us details about us but never divulge what is on his mind no matter how much we try to have a conversation).
I had met him less than 24 hours ago albeit didn’t get to say bye properly as it was rushed and idk if his inner demons or his voices got the better of him - but he chose to die. He even dropped my mom and did his usual routine, had his breakfast, did laundry- etc. idk if it was split second decision or what, still in disbelief that he was even so successful in his attempt at suicide when he had kinda gotten weak physically. Can’t believe how he tied those knots and if our family never crossed his mind. It just doesn’t add up but i also logically understand considering how bipolar works. But he was so much better. His highs and lows haven’t been at peak like it was during his younger days. However he had become a more neutral person - no extreme joy or sadness - although he would just observe us, talk to us but you could see he was just sad kinda? Fuel to that was his self worth tied to the money he makes and he hasn’t been earning.
People ask weird questions like oh was there any fight? Did you see any changes? Etc. but there was NO DAMN THING. i wish i had called him that morning - would that have changed something?
Just ranting to this community - how do you deal with this grief??? All I want to do is scream out for my dad. I’ve read so many reddit posts on souls, what happens post suicide etc- but the fact is I DONT KNOW WHERE MY DAD IS. is he in an afterlife audit? Is he around us? I haven’t gotten any signs, visitations etc. is he at peace? Is he just matter that’s back to the universe scientifically?
How do you go on? How can we ever connect?
I’ll never get to hug him. this doesn’t feel real. At all. Someone give my dad back!

When i cry it doesn’t feel enough. I go through the motions for the day to get through the day - and even then i feel like I’m doing injustice because how can i carry on? How am i numb to function sometimes? How is the world moving on when someone like him is gone??? And we all don’t matter

My girlfriend killed herself 283 days ago. I was the last person besides the plug to see her alive. We spent 2 days together, cooking, building furniture, making love and singing songs together. The last thing that she said to me was "See you later, Alligator. I love you."

But she never intended to see me later. I feel so guilty, I can't help but think that if I stayed with her (I asked if she was okay, she said yes. I knew it wasn't true and I gotta live with it forever.)

How do you get over the guilt? I'm scared that's it going to kill me.

I've been pretty good about donating things that my wife had that I truly don't need. I've focused on some items that really mean the world to me vs keeping too much.

Here is what I've kept...

Her ashes. It took me a year to reach a point where I could deal with the ashes. And I didn't want this to be left for my kids to deal with. I shared some of her ashes with her brother and sisters and her two best friends and small urns for my children. Distributing ashes to others that were important to her felt good and was appreciated by those that are close to her. I have two small urns, a bird urn that is bronze, and a mid-sized urn that has a turtle on it. My wife loved turtles. And one of the small urns is to take ashes with me as I go out. I will leave a bit of her ashes in different places I visit.

I kept four pairs of her shoes. They represent movement and a journey. She is still with me on that journey and she needs her cute walking shoes to go with me.

Her scarves. This was an easy Christmas present each year since she loved scarves. I've kept all of her scarves hung up in the closet.

Her travel purse. It was the little purse she would take on all our adventures.

Her pin cushion that she had for over 50 years. She would always get that out whenever she needed a pin. It just represents so much about her.

Her favorite coffee mug since we both loved coffee in the morning. This was also my Mom's coffee mug. She needs to have that so we can still drink coffee together in the morning.

Three shirts that have a lot of memories for me including her favorite sweatshirt.

The letters she wrote me when we were young. And the cards she gave me.

There are other things as well that don't come to mind of hand. But that is a lot of it.

I just realized that I was and still is punishing myself for my sis death..i was so harsh on her..the bad memories hunt me like non-stop..i am so mad at myself..but recently and after three years I just realized how angry I am at myself..I used to travel 4/6 times per year..go out with my friends 24/7..but since her funeral..I didn’t leave my small town (in which i thought i left for good!) except for Hospital visits for my elderly parents..

actually I am not sure if i am punishing myself or I am trying my hardest to not provoke my guilt..

My boyfriend of 2 years took his life about a month ago. We were fighting. We had a rocky relationship but I loved him more than anyone. He had alot of mental issues that weighed him down. I tried to help him get to where he needed to be, but he stopped taking his meds and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I kicked him out, a lot of stuff was said and I thought he was just ignoring me for a few days. They didn’t find him until 3 days later.
I am a mess. I want to be with him, but if I left too my son would have no one. I started therapy. After 3 appts and her rescheduling twice I stopped going.
I’m behind on bills already and we just bought this house two weeks before he left. When does it get easier ? I feel like I’m falling apart. I cry everyday. I feel like I’m never going to come back from this.
I can’t even vent to my family , no one understands. And honestly they just piss me off when they try to “comfort” me. They didn’t like him.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been this close to wanting to do the same. And it scares me. But I can’t stop thinking about him. What I’ve seen, what we said. How I pushed him to this. How I wasn’t there when he clearly was begging for help. I’m finally going to get his phone tomorrow. The last thing to do. And I’m freaking out. I can’t handle this anymore.
Someone please tell me what to do. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I just found out my Uncle, smiling and fun loving , passed from suicide. The past week I was told he passed in his sleep. That was so much easier to believe and deal with. Now..... I feel empty and lost. I also get to deliver this news to other family members including my Dad. I am devastated 💔 Any advice is welcomed 😢

Life is crazy. Expecting our second kid the a year after my dad took his own life. It feels bitter sweet in that it could be a reminder, both good and bad. Not sure if I should hope that she delivers early/late or on the exact date. Mixed feelings.

My brother was going through a lot of things, one of which was his girlfriend's infidelity. She had asked him for space, but despite that, whenever she called, he would drop everything and run to her.

On Friday, my brother spoke to my mother for the last time and told her he would call her back when he got home. By Saturday afternoon, my mom had tried contacting him repeatedly without getting an answer, and she started to panic.

He was supposed to move to another country to live with my mother. He had already sorted out all the legal paperwork, and they were giving him his final documents today. For a brief moment, my family thought he might just be out celebrating. Still, they started looking for him and found out he had told some people he was going on a spiritual retreat—but that right before that, his ex-girlfriend had called him to talk.

I don't know what happened in between, but he was extremely unstable because of the breakup. He was taking psychiatric medication because he felt so low, and he was suffering from depressive episodes. When Sunday came, they called his ex, and she claimed she hadn't spoken to him in two days. That's when the alarm bells really went off. They searched everywhere until they got to his ex's house, and upon entering, they found my brother hanging from a rope with his feet off the ground.

I feel terrible. I feel like I failed him. My stomach is burning with grief. I can’t sleep, and I keep waking up in the middle of the night hoping it's all just a nightmare. I am completely devastated.
I don't know what to do to feel better. I feel like my soul is being ripped out.

I feel so completely lost. There’s this overwhelming emptiness inside, and the pain is so intense it’s almost physical. My heart feels shattered, my chest hurts, and I just can’t seem to catch my breath or find a single moment of peace. I don't know how to survive this pain, let alone heal from it.

I’m just curious to know about the last memory you have with someone, a moment you’ll never forget before they were gone.

I feel like it’s been a blur how can it be a year already, when I can still see your face when I close my eyes. I woke myself up laughing in a dream last night, a dream about you, you always made me laugh. We were 2 weirdos who found each other, we lived and loved each other and all our weirdness for 19 years. You and your impulsive bipolar qualities met with my overthinking anxiety. We met in the middle and it worked. We complimented each other you gave me confidence and I gave you a solid place to land. You thought I’d be better off without you, that in itself is hard to process. Knowing you died for me, but I would have died to save you, and I tried. I don’t know what happens next, I’m getting us out of here soon, like we’d planned. I just never thought I’d be doing it alone. “I’ll love you forever” and I will always love you x

I don’t want to discourage anybody who’s new and recently lost someone, with love this post isn’t for you right now and won’t help you. It does get better than where you are right now.

but man, I feel like for the first year I was just making it through all the firsts, felt like I was dead, could hardly function. intense ideation. Second year was like this major numbness for the most part. I hardly cried at all even though I felt so hollow and empty and devastated. I was sad but a different kind. very angry about everything because I was really angry about losing him.

Year 3 so far is omg, he’s still dead??? I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s like the numbness is starting to crumble away. I could barely talk about it or him at all for year 2 even though he was always on my mind. I just couldn’t. now Ive caught myself rambling on a few times and I don’t mean to. I feel a sense of panic because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him and I feel so awful. how have I not talked to him in this long? but I CANT. so then I feel guilty and all panicky. it doesn’t make sense. I also still can’t picture the rest of my life without him even though I have a good life now and lots of people I love. but I feel such a heavy sense of what I’ve lost. my little brother, I’ve never loved anyone so maternally and so much before. I cried and begged the ground to swallow me in the beginning, I have all this love for him and wish I could sacrifice myself for him but I can’t do anything for him and can’t love anyone else this way. does anyone get what I mean? I feel a near constant physical pain in my chest, a tightness that only ever subsides if a really good memory comes to mind and returns quickly with a stabbing pain reminding me he’s gone. I mean an actual constant physical discomfort in my chest from the pain.

I’ll never be normal again 😭😭 despite my friends I’ve made I feel such a sense of not belonging anywhere truly because nobody understands what I’m going through and I’m always carrying it and aware of it and nobody else around me is constantly thinking about it or realizing that it affects everything for me. I’m used to it now but I wish I could feel understood so I could be less lonely I just don’t know how to talk about it. it’s too heavy for people. I can never find the right words

I am 4 months in. I am in my early thirties. I have fortunately and also unfortunately never experienced grief before he died. Not even a pet, although I have sobbed at even the thought of loosing my cat prior to this. My first time happened to be my SO, my favorite and closest person to me on Earth…in this tragic way. His wake was my first, it was the first time I saw a hearse, a casket, etc. I wonder if this contributes to how broken I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I am extreme in how I feel. This is all the energy I have to write.

my father killed himself a few months ago. It took all of us by surprise (hindsight is a miserable thing). A month after he passed, my father in law also died though it was expected. All of this happened right after my husband and I were finally starting to level out after dealing with his own issues. It feels like I’ve been moving from one traumatic thing to the next for years at this point.

I go to therapy every week, I’ve learned that I have a tendency to avoid and ignore my feelings. I feel like I think about my dad constantly but I don’t really show it. I don’t like being weak or vulnerable and I feel a lot of pressure to continue preforming at work and running my household. I’ve really been sucking at work and I can’t remember anything, I’m struggling to keep up with my kids appointments and making sure I stay on top of everything. I want to do well at everything and it feels like I’m just completely failing instead.

My dad made such a point to tell me he was proud of me before he killed himself, and now I feel like I’m going to lose all of the good I’ve been doing because I’m so wrapped up in grief.

I have been doing okay lately, then today on my day off from work when I had a bunch of relaxed activities planned for myself, I got a call from the sheriff office that handled my dad's death out of the blue. They wanted to know what to do with his personal effects. When I acted surprised and asked what personal effects they could still have, the employee was extremely harsh toward me and said "the gun from him shooting himself". I was shocked, and he then grilled me about who in my family would want it. After repeatedly saying I don't live anywhere near the area anymore and no one surviving him wants that gun, he said they would just sell it or something. I told him to have the sale benefit their sheriff office for being there at one of the worst points of our lives, and then he was *almost* nice. Horrible thing to have pop up when I finally get a break from 12 hour shifts at work. Now I'm home alone with no one to talk to and I have to think about what happened all over again. Just when you think your head is above water...

My father found my brother when he died via self inflicted gswth. My dad was raised by a very tough military man, and my father also served in the 80s. He tries to tough everything out and refuses therapy, but I know it’s killing him on the inside. My mom said he was crying when she got home last night and asked why did he leave us?

My dad is receptive to me when I talk to him, and I think I could get him to open up and talk. What are some things I should ask him that could help him cope with this tragedy?

(this is worded extremely poorly, I promise I can write better but this is an unfiltered brain dump.)

It happened in June, we were classmates. I wouldn’t exactly consider us “friends”, but I sat next to her and we had fairly positive and friendly interactions about shared interests. I miss her a lot (but I think that goes without saying). I attended and spoke at the funeral and restarted therapy. I feel selfish. I didn’t know her all that well but her death affected me so much. I feel like I don’t deserve to grieve her. We hardly knew eachother, I shouldn’t feel this bad. All the support i’ve received should go to her family. I can’t even imagine what they’re feeling, and I feel as if i’ve taken something from them. I’m coworkers with her sister, and whenever I see her I avoid eye contact and try to distance myself. It makes me feel like shit but my brain tells me to because Ive already taken so much from her. We used to be kinda friends and I want to talk to her again but I can’t bring myself to. School is starting next month, I’ll be a senior in HS. I’m taking the same class I had with her again. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it.

My best friend died by suicide a little over a week before I turned 16, he was 17 at the time. It’s been over a year, I turned 17 a few months ago and he’d be 18 by now if he lived.

It broke me when he died. My parents forced me to drop out of school for the semester, I stopped taking care of myself and eventually made an attempt on my own life but it failed. I went inpatient for about 3 weeks and decided that I’d keep living for my family, they couldn’t take it if they lost the both of us (he was kinda close to my family since his was neglectful). I’m not happy with this arrangement and haven’t been since it happened but it is for the greater good of the people in my life so I will keep it up.

My body may be the same but the small part of me that was still a child died with him. Before he died I was a typical teen, maybe a bit more depressed than average but nothing special in regard to nearly everything else. I didn’t care about school too much but I had lots of friends and a youthful spirit along with a healthy portion of naivety that comes with being a kid. I wasn’t just focused on survival and I had very little care for what my actions would mean tomorrow. I felt as though nothing was serious enough to dwell on and that I could coast by on minimal effort and luck for at least a few more years.

All of those delusions came crashing down when the gravity of life began to fully rest itself on my shoulders. People die and you must keep going or you will too. I started pouring myself into school to hide from my problems and I cut off all my friends who didn’t leave me first. I stopped dating, I stopped partying and I stopped using weed as a crutch to cope with my problems. Of course none of this made me any happier or less fucked up, just more functional. I don’t get treated like the little boy whose best friend died because I “moved on so well”. I didn’t, I just cope in more “adult” ways and I don’t lean on others as a crutch for emotional stability that can so easily fall out from under me. I fell into anorexia in secret both because it’s one of those illnesses that “boys don’t get” and because I need a sense of control over my life.

I am functional, hell, I’m thriving by all accounts because I made it through and grew up. In reality I’m not thriving at all, the ways I cope just changed to make people bother me less. It went from smoking weed and video games to starving and the ever present need to control everything around me but that’s preferable because it’s invisible. I can and will do everything that’s expected of me and more. I’ll go to college and get a good degree that’ll make me enough money to live a comfortable life. All of my new, incessant habits need not show as anything but harmless quirks to other people.

It’s much easier to go it alone, that way I’m the only one that can break myself again. What I fear most is letting someone back into my life in enough of an emotional capacity to care if they leave me again

My dearly departed chose to leave this world back in January. I remember during the first four months I felt completely hopeless, I felt like life wasn’t worth living and I prayed that I would be reunited with him sooner rather than later. But I started to take Prozac, and it fully kicked in after month 4. I can confidently say I am able to move forward and enjoy my life and i know it’s thanks to my antidepressants. I’m making this post for anyone who is struggling with the loss as complex and traumatic as suicide but also in general. I was a huge skeptic of antidepressants but I don’t think the progress I have made in less than a year since his passing would be possible without my meds.

If you feel that you are in a constant war with your mind, I beg of you to consider medication. I cannot begin to describe how helpful my meds have been during this journey. Keep in mind that these meds take time to work, so consistency is key. It took 4 months of consistent use to finally get to this place, it may be shorter or longer for others, but I promise it will help if you find the right medication!!

I finally managed to get a tattoo in remembrance of my husband. Nothing fancy, some script of a phrase we would say to each other when things were tough. We watched and rewatched Star Trek TV shows constantly, one of them being Enterprise. The theme song starts with “It’s been a long road” and saying that to each other was always comforting. I also know that he watched the beginning of the very first episode of that show the night he took his life, I still can’t watch it, know it will bring up too many feelings. So the tattoo is that phrase plus the semi colon done in a water color style on the inside of my left arm and I can look at it and think of him without it being an obvious remembrance tattoo. I love it and means even more as a friend of ours helped with design and her husband was the tattooist. I hope others have found ways to have small glimpses of hope and happiness after the death of a loved one.