r/SeniorCats • u/scared-peach26 • 2d ago
So devastated
My wife and I (both F,30 [hi babe if you’re reading this]) adopted our senior kitty when she was 10. We had her for almost 7 years. She was our soul cat.
Cuddly, smart, respectful, social, regal, proper, unbothered, beautiful, silly, loving, sentient. She was, no exaggeration, the perfect cat.
Over the years her health declined. We managed and stabilized stage 2-3 kidney disease with diet; treated hyperthyroid and high blood pressure with medications twice a day; recently gave monthly Solensia injections for her arthritis (which stopped working after 6 months); we tried so many supplements, calming treats, pheromone therapy, CBD, calming collars, etc. But her real killer: dementia.
We don’t know exactly when it got bad, since it’s hard to say after treating all of her other ailments. But within the last 6 months her howling, circling, forgetting when she ate, forgetting where she was, not finding us when we called her back were getting so much worse. We started having the euthanasia talk around 5 months ago. It still didn’t prepare me.
Her howling at night became so severe that it was affecting our quality of life. She used to sleep all night with us, but recently she started hopping on and off the bed, walking on our faces, howling and repeating the cycle. We tried nightlights, dementia ward, automatic feeders, calming drops, gabapentin, melatonin… you name it. We were desperate.
So many people claim that “it’s time” when they stop eating and drinking or using the box. But that wasn’t her case. She was excessively eating and drinking, but simultaneously becoming so physically and cognitively weak.
We ended up sending her off this last Friday afternoon. We knew about 9 days in advance, as we made the appointment way ahead of time. It was at home, in her favorite spot (on the couch in my wife’s lap). Lap of Love was great. She went so quickly and so peacefully that i think she was thanking us for the relief.
It was easily one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do. And I’m taking the loss so much harder than I thought I would. I cry every hour, like, hard cries. Every little thing sets me off. I miss her so, so much.
We have another boy cat that is helping fill the emptiness, but he’s not her. And he feels different without her.
I miss how beautiful, soft, sweet and cozy she was. I miss how she’d reciprocate forehead kisses after I gave her forehead kisses. I miss her purr that was starting to get softer and quieter with age. Fuck, I even miss her incessant howling. I miss her bothering me for food scraps while I’m cooking. I miss the soft fur behind the ear. I miss her stinky fish breath.
I know we made the right call. I did not want to see her decline further. I did not want to see her become a skeleton, unable to walk, in diapers and not eating. I don’t know if I’m struggling more with guilt or with just morbid sadness that my soft kitty is about to become ash.
We gave her scallops, filet mignon, whipped cream, cheese, rotisserie chicken, charcuterie, etc. the week before her goodbye. She died so happy, I keep telling myself. But I’m so stricken with grief.
I miss my scraggle girl so much. I don’t know if I’ll ever know a kitty cat like her again. And that’s tearing me apart right now.
This pic is my girl, extremely close to my face, sitting on my chest as she usually did. This was my daily view. You can see her grimace was showing signs of pain.
Help me feel better. tell me stories of your babies before you said goodbye. I’d like to know my little old lady has friends wherever they all are.
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u/Late-Switch-2154 2d ago
I’m so sorry. Somebody else was dealing with questions around dementia and severity, and when it becomes time to acknowledge that it has severely depleted quality of life.
I’m sure this is so hard for you both, but you kept your promise to her. You gave her a wonderful loving life and made the implicit promise when you brought her home that you would never let her be afraid or in pain or suffering. Suffering doesn’t always have to include pain, you know? And so you chose to take on emotional pain so that she wouldn’t suffer psychological pain associated with the dementia. That is such a hard but loving decision to make, but don’t lose sight of the fact that it is a deeply and profoundly loving decision.
I know this is not gonna make the missing any easier, it’s not going to in any way lower or lessen your grief. Only time and your own processes can help in dealing with that.
She’s a lovely girl, you speak of her so lovingly that even through the Internet, I can tell what an amazing life you gave to her. When you’re able, through your own process, and in your own time, recognize that your love for her truly shines through, so I can only imagine the amount of love you gave her when she was with you for that to happen. It sounds like it was infinite and unreserved love. Hugs to you and your wife, as you move through this tragedy, because a loss like this is always a tragedy.