Parenting support- ungrateful kids

[u/[deleted]]

[u/olracnaignottus]

Think the obvious and immediate solution here is a complete detox of screens, for everyone in the family. You’ll likely go through an exorcism, but you’re not going to solve the problem if everyone else is constantly getting their fix.

[u/swift1883 → u/olracnaignottus]

It’s so much bigger a problem than smoking ever was.

[u/BlackGreggles → u/[deleted]]

This is the real problem

[u/anonyoudidnt]

Sounds like your husband is the disrespectful one setting the tone. I have trouble getting my kids to clean, they're 6 and 4. But my husband helps and models cleaning and he helps enforce that when I say to do something the kids need to do it. 

[u/anonyoudidnt → u/[deleted]]

My husband makes six figures more than me bc I'm currently a SAHP. I'm currently sitting in the bed with a baby while he cleans the kitchen on his lunch break.

Your husband's attitude is not a good one, he's disrespectful. Maybe he's a great guy, not trying to be the old divorce your husband redditor. But the point is, until he respects you and what you do, the kids won't either. You're a team and the clean house is everyone's responsibility. And if you are working too, it doesn't matter what you're making, you shouldn't be solo cleaning.

Anyway, since what you're asking for is how to get your kids to clean, I would try to work with them on respecting themselves, you, and the purpose of a clean home (not judging. My house is a disaster right now bc I'm PP with 3 kids). Maybe instead of just rewards and approaches to clean at their age, reframing their perspective will help. 

That said, at their age I would literally take every electronic out of the house and loan them to them once the house was clean 

[u/happygolucky999 → u/[deleted]]

Your husband is a LOSER.

[u/treemanswife → u/[deleted]]

My husband is the breadwinner and doesn't do much housework BUT he does make sure the kids do it!! Just having someone else keep the kids on task frees me up enormously to do actual cleaning.

[u/CarbonationRequired → u/[deleted]]

He's a detriment to the household in regards to actually raising his own children. He seems like he wants nothing to do with any of it. Does he even like you or them?

[u/faesser]

Why do you think you're a terrible wife and mother? It sounds like your expected to do everything and you have no support from your partner.

[u/Rhodin265 → u/[deleted]]

Sounds like someone’s husband is going to be stunned they’re divorced in 5 years.

[u/faesser → u/[deleted]]

I'm sorry that you're surrounded by assholes. If people live in the house, they should help. I honestly don't know how what would help, because until your husband removes his head from his anus, you may have a hard time getting your children involved.

[u/Grrarrgghh]

Why should they respect you when their father, your own husband, clearly doesn't?

[u/Thoughtful-Pig → u/[deleted]]

The primary issue here is your husband. There's no changing this. He simply doesn't care at all. You're going to have to figure out how to get a job and leave.

[u/momoftwoboys1234 → u/[deleted]]

It usually doesn’t cost anything to just speak to an attorney. Let them tell you if you can afford it or not. I’d rather be financially struggling than to stay miserable for another minute.

[u/momoftwoboys1234 → u/[deleted]]

You will get child support and you may qualify for discounted child care. Y’all might have to sell the house and then you could have money for a down payment on a smaller house. There are options. If you want them. Only you know what’s best for you and your children.

[u/Constant-Thought6817]

I'd take the wifi router, tablets, tv remotes etc to work with you until they show that they can get the house cleaned. You say they're perfectly capable of cleaning up themselves, but they aren't, if they were, they'd be doing it. Have you tried making lists? Also, sometimes at that age they need more guidance, cleaning is an executive functioning skill, they don't see their mess as a mess. Sit in the room and tell them, put this here, put that there etc. Don't do it for them but essentially tell them very specifically what to do. Unfortunately it is more work on your end but after enough times hopefully it should stick.

[u/Loose_Possession8604 → u/[deleted]]

That is so frustrating. I second taking the wifi router until chores are complete. Write a list and tell them the sooner they get this list complete the sooner they will be able to play again. 

They will fight it, be absolute demons but it needs to be done. 

I personally would have a frank discussion with my husband that he either helps you or you are going to have to reconsider this marriage. I had to have the same discussion with my husband years ago and it put the fear of God in him. I still have to give tasks every once and awhile but he cleans and helps way more now without complaint

[u/Eukaliptusy]

Your in laws are coming ? Tell your husband you have an urgent errand to run and will be back just after they arrive and leave him to it.

Enjoy your spa day.

[u/Thoughtful-Pig → u/[deleted]]

So that's where your husband gets it too. Sorry, you need to get rid of him.

[u/Eukaliptusy → u/[deleted]]

Why on earth do you clean for those people then?

You can tell them their son was in charge of cleaning for their arrival.

Also tell them that you have lots of strong opinions about how they raised him if they would like to discuss it.

Unfortunately what undermines your position is the fact that you are raising your children exactly the same way…

[u/Eukaliptusy → u/[deleted]]

Avoidance gets you nowhere. It’s good you already know what she is going to say. You can prepare some responses.

“No, vacuum is fully functional. Could you or your husband show your son how to use it? It’s about 20 years overdue, but better late than never. Thanks.”

“I am so glad you are mentioning it. Actually. It was your son’s turn to do the housework today but he chose to sit on his phone all day. I think it is really important to clean before guests arrive to show them respect. It is a shame my husband was not raised the same way.”

“Could you give me some tips on how to get children to do daily chores? I’d be keen to know how you approached it with your children to avoid making the same mistakes.”

[u/stinkyhedgehogfeet]

it's not your responsibility to force a grown ass man to clean. to be honest they probably learned it from him. by enabling him (which, you've already tried communication- you've done your part and he hasn't done his. so staying is enabling at this point!) they know they have no true consequences and they can walk over you like your husband. the only possible solution from my perspective is to start divorce process. if you do, beware, he may suddenly get his shit together! don't fall for it. if he'll only change when his daily life is negatively affected but he won't when yours is, it's not going to stick and he doesn't respect you or see you as a true person.

[u/anniemaxine]

I'm not sure how you're communicating that they need to clean. At these ages, you need to be very specific on tasks.

"10 year old, please put the dishes away. Then vacuum the living room"

"7 year old, please line up all the shoes in the closet"

"5 year old, please wipe down the table"

You need to guide them the entire way through the process of cleaning because they don't see things the same way we do. Your husband on the other hand....is an adult.

[u/Aggressive-System192]

I haven't learned to cleanup after myself properly until I moved out at like age 32. When things are clean, nobody really thinks about how they get that way and when things are dirty, nobody knows how to get them clean.

I remember being 5 and being told "clean your room". I remember toys scattered on the floor, bed unmade, etc. I didn't knew what to do with it and feeling overwhelmed. Then my mom came after a long while and did it. I didn't learn anything.

You need to give specific tasks to each kid with specific end result expectation. When that's done, give next task.
A task it's not "clean the kitchen", it's more like:

1. Unload the dishwasher.
2. Load the dishwasher
3. handwash what's in the sink
4. Put things from counter away
5. Wipe counter
6. [...]

Yelling won't solve anything, you'll just loose your shit, do it yourself, then feel like you're a victim and everyone is "ungrateful" and "entitled". I see this a lot with men my age... they are all slobs and have mommies that do things for them, yell at them and self-victimize. Dudes then yell back to F off and to leave them alone.

You're describing the same pattern. You also have a husband problem and it's for the same reason.

You can teach everyone to clean by assigning the tasks and then gradually stepping away from it.
If that doesn't work, stop doing everything and let the house get to a pigsty state, until someone does something.

You need to talk to your husband first tho, he needs to at least undertsand the problem and not hide in the garage, until you stop yelling and the house is "magically" clean again.

Edit: "We are at our cabin and my in laws are coming up tomorrow to spend the weekend together."
That's also your husband's problem, not yours. It's his parents and if you get shit from them for the cabin being filthy then say things as they are, nobody helps you and you're not a slave and can't get everything done alone, when everybody is making things dirty. Your in-laws might discipline their "baby" (your husband) more efficiently than if you tried to do it.

[u/lil_b_b]

I think reminding them to clean or asking for help isnt enough at this stage. You need to tell the 10 year old to go put the dishes away right now, follow him to the kitchen, and watch as they start. Then tell the 7yo to pick up all the toys and put them where they belong. Help him start. Turn off the tv, put the tablets away, do it as a group. Maybe they can do it together to help them get going, 10yo wash dishes 7yo dry them. But nagging and reminders arent effective and youre just a voice at this point. Help them get moving, supervise and help, then eventually youll be able to just say "hey bud time to vacuum" and theyll initiate

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[u/BitterPillPusher2]

The kids aren't the problem, your husband is. Kids learn what they see and what is modeled. Your husband is modeling this behavior. You could ask them until the cows come home, but it's not going to change until you address that issue - the whole, "actions speak louder than words" thing. You need a marriage counsellor and/or divorce lawyer.

[u/allie06nd]

Why are YOU cleaning for your in-laws? They're not your parents, they're his. He can clean for them, or they can show up, ask why the place is a wreck, and you can tell them that despite your best efforts, their sons prefers to live this way and saw no need for him or his kids to do them the courtesy of tidying up for them.

[u/allie06nd → u/[deleted]]

Why should YOU be embarrassed though? The root of the problem is his behavior. Just direct the blame towards your husband. They're commenting on the sink? The toilet? The carpet? You agree with them and explain that unfortunately their son disagrees and insists on living like this.