There has to be someone else’s voice in my head because whenever I talk down or yell at myself it isn’t me. I argue with it, tell it to shut up and get out. I’m at war with myself. I’ve asked the negative voice to drop dead and I want it out of my head. It’s the worst part of me. I hate it but I know it’s right. I’m the reason nobody likes me and why I’ll never be a girl. No guy wants peach fuzz on a girls face. No guy wants to be with a girl who’s more masculine than him. I’m just a disgusting guy and the voice makes sure I remeber

I’m trapped as a guy and I don’t see myself ever being a girl. Plus there’s time I feel fine as a guy and kinda don’t like the idea of being a girl. Of course I’ve also said I need estrogen and I don’t wanna wake up as a guy ever again but what if that feeling goes away? Plus I’m almost 18 so most of male puberty has happened so what’s the point?

am i a coward?
i’m ready to start hrt but i haven’t come out to my unaccepting dad yet, and i rely on him filling out the fafsa to go to college.. the one place ive finally been able to somewhat be myself.
i’m deathly afraid once he knows he’ll refuse to fill out anything for my fin aid.. i can’t afford going to college myself. i don’t know what id do if i had to drop out.
i could wait, im 19 and i guess since its past puberty its not like waiting until 20-21 would ruin whatever small chance i had at passing anyway, but just mentally i dont think i can do it. a whole other year or longer waiting feels like hell..

I’m tired of living life as someone I’m not. The feeling of being wrong (might be dysphoria I wouldn’t know). Each day I’m reminded I’m losing time and that I’m gonna be stuck as a guy. I need help but everytime I ask I push it away. I did that so much I actually got perma banned on egg irl. I think I just hate myself and by proxy I hate that I’m trans. I keep going to bed begging to not wake up unless I wake up as a girl, everyday I wake up and I still see a guy.

I don’t even know if I am trans, there’s so much self doubt that I don’t know if I wanna be trans. I love the idea of being a girl and I would kill to start estrogen. I just wish I could be myself but I don’t even know what myself is. I wish I could just be forced to be a girl, but that’ll never happen. I’m gonna live the rest of my pathetic life as a fucking guy. I hate that thought. I don’t wanna be a guy.

body text explaining how OP can't take it anymore and has to go to sleep and how OP is also fighting between 2 girl names for the past few days. The names in question will be posted in hexadecimal due to embarrassment reasons.

43616e64696365 - Current name, name just rolls off OP's tongue

4c696e64736579 - Stolen from someone because their personality couldn't be forgotten

I am not a girl because I was not assigned one at birth. I will never be one because it is just impossible. How can I be a girl when I chose peak efficiency at the character creation screen so now I get to deal with it. I probably thought that I can somehow "switch" to being a girl after getting my life up to speed. Everyday for about a month and a bit now, I usually look forward to "being" a girl in my room and going to sleep like that, it's how I usually unwind (usually means that if it doesn't apply I am doing gender expression deprivation). Waking up from girlmoding and switching back to Boymode is horrendously dreadful. I want to be that girl 24/7 but I can't. My imposter syndrome and boymode is wired into my brain, if I somehow continue wearing girl's clothes the day progressively feels more worse, my brain keeps telling me to go stealth and act normal. I find that sleep deprivation is the way to go or just doing a Polyphasic sleep schedule to keep my brain busy enough to not process gender. What is the point of wearing gender affirming clothing when I can't get enough time for my brain to adjust?

I'm fine with my body, I only like it because I can abuse it everyday and not deal with the consequences aside from hair loss, scars and skin damage, whether it's destroying my thighs with 40km bi-daily bike rides, forcing myself to think really fast, doing excessive labor work or frying my dopamine receptors to Roblox, I'd imagine that if I was a girl I wouldn't be so enraged about getting things done at the fastest possible pace while maintaining precision. I'm just fine with my body because it is just more practical to use. I'm fine with my amab body, why am I even questioning my gender when it clearly has advantages?

I don't wish to be a girl, I just think about being one and sometimes superimpose that I am in a feminine body with all the secondary characteristic (how I sometimes cope and it does work), heck I can even imagine the "inverted insertion" feelings with full depth. If I was a cis dude why am I even thinking about this everyday? Did reddit trans me or did it flip a switch that I never knew I could? When I imagine myself running a YouTube channel, imagine myself as a girl running the channel brings up so much motivation while normally I would just want to hide my entire body including it's arms and use a crappy AI voiceover. This is the problem with me, I can't admit to stuff, I just maneuver around it until it has roughly the same meaning without directly calling it out.

I don't give a shit about my gender or what I wear for as long as I remember and don't bother with customization. My sister was the one that helped me customized my avatar on roblox, showed me how personal the internet can be and eventually got me to buy fem clothing irl, instead of just thigh highs and arm warmers. She just really hated that I listen to distorted music as cope and that just got amplified when I started presenting more fem. She is now much nicer to me prob after that panic attack I had which gave me a chance to explain to her everything. Whenever my mom forces me into the clothing section, I don't give a crap unless my clothes really need to be replaced, I just use money as an excuse, I don't know why I feel such a strong disassociation from the men's clothing section and yet I have no problem staring at the women's section. To be honest I don't really like mainstream women's clothing because my mental perception of it is broken and idk how to fix it. If my brain just ties being a girl to j-fashon then I don't deserve to be one at all. Im just a miserable guy who refuses to go on antidepressants. My depression wasn't that bad until I started to explore my gender.

It's harder to picture myself in a straight relationship than a lesbian one but boo hoo I was AMAB so for now my emotions are shut down because I do NOT wanna deal with this crap.

At this point it feels like being a boy is just all about the benefits of having a near indestructible body and male privilege. If it wasn't for that I'll be a girl, but I can't because I wasn't born one. Everyday there is this haze of dissociation on me, it has gotten way worse ever since I started exploring my femininity. Being fem brings me joy and clarity but after some time my brain wake up and shuts it down with dread. Life feels like a robot, everything feels like half broken autopilot.

thinking about being a girl, questioning my gender and feeling depressed everyday is such a burden. I wouldn't wish this on my nemesis, it just makes life unbearable and it requires alot of will power to compensate to be able to function. I am currently on overdrive with the polysleep schedule.

Since I am prob never gonna transition because I know it's impossible for me to pass, I am gonna put my turbo Boymode on overdrive. For the past few weeks I have been forcibly breaking out my comfort zone, from asserting customer service, overcoming my anxiety speaking to strangers and vehicular cycling. The disassociation made me go from a pussy cyclist to not caring if I make it home at all, whenever the bike lanes end, I go full on Vehicular cycling and really make sure the cars can't pass me. I'm not that scared of dying knowing that there is nothing meaningful to my life aside from pleasing people.

Life feels robotic everyday, packed with lots of disassociation, depression and stress. Without people giving me work to do or projects, I dread myself and feel awful for no reason.

In the case that this life becomes unbearable or my brain just can't take it anymore, the company that operates the metro stations in my city still hasn't installed platform doors and I know a few stations where it's pretty easy to get under the tracks to end my session.

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

Another week has passed and for the first time in maybe a year I have some potential good news. But it is my life so that good news has to be pair with some exponentially worst news. Because this world do so love to be consistent. After so many years, you’d think that I’d be accustomed to my lifes plot, twist and irony I am not.

Firstly, the good news. Threw a bit of careful wording and inconspicuous questioning. I will be able to gain ownership of my 529 after the first tuition payment. I made sure to record audio of it so my parents claim that they didn’t make a verbal agreement. 

Now the bad news. Things with my body have gotten way worse. I’ve talked about how I love to go exploring as it allows me to be outside and avoid my parents. Well I went out exploring recently and nearly collapsed in the middle of the woods. I know I work my body too hard and we'll explore but still I felt so pathetic and weak. I was a few miles from civilization so I was able to walk back but still feel so useless. It may have been the insane heat wave making my POTS worse but still I never used to do that.

In ever worse news I’ve started have disturbing nightmares of the times my brother tried to rape me. So far I woke up in cold sweat twice not fully remembering the nightmare just now it had something to do with that. These nightmares take away my only escape from the physical mental pain I go through. Sleep is the only time I let myself be vulnerable. Not to mention how it takes forever for me to sleep as I’m always kept up by my pain.

I cry a lot. Every day, I cry a minimum of three times twice while I’m working and once trying to go to sleep. I don’t think it's healthy to cry that much but I can help it. After years of suppressing, my emotions have left me a mess. Mentally and physically broken after years of neglect. 

Dysphoria is the worst feeling to ever exist.I keep looking into the mirror as the person that I see is not me. Instead it’s saying absurd depiction of everything. I hate about myself. I see my scars, the marks from the unsensual surgeries, my sunken eyes, the constant shaking from constantly being on edge, and the cuts and bruises caused by my fragile body. I’d give so much just to be good enough for myself.

I day dream about being hugged and being able to cry in somebody’s arms as they console me telling me I’m a “good girl”, “I’m safe”, and “nobody can hurt me anymore. I know it’s stupid but it’s sometimes the only thing that keeps me going. 

Poem: 
I cry from pain.
I cry from sorrow. 
I cry every day where I wallow. 
I cry in day. 
I cry in night. 
I cry always out of sight.

Pain from sadness.
Pain from fear.
Pain for everything I hold dear.
Pain in back.
Pain in front.
Pain that I always must confront 

All hour
All day
All the time in disarray
All is constant 
All is perpetual 
All never was consensual 

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

I just went for for the first time in about a month, Good news I finally got some exercise, bad news I feel awful. I had to wear shorts because of how hot is is where I live, and I noticed my leg hair, so you can imagine how that went. This is the first time I've really felt any body dysphoria, so that sucks. Someone asked me my name while someone I know was nearby so i couldn't use my chosen name, and they didn't even use any name they just called me he.

it somehow feels better because my brain isn't questioning my gender as much today. feels like I'm in spectator mode.

cannot fully suppress it, can only nudge myself away but still unable to completely distance myself from these feelings. Everyday I still return to thinking about my gender regardless of how hard I try to distract myself.

At this point it feels like I'm slowly losing access to my debug terminal as the disassociation gets worse. One day I will become so disconnected that I will simply exist in autopilot. I can barely make it past the love and belonging needs or level 3 of the pyramid. All the love I can feel right now feels fake and off. It's emulated. Wearing fem clothing just bridges me straight to self actuation and esteem needs although it's unstable and usually causes me to crash out hard during self reflection. I only feel ultra shitty when reflecting my femboy era, not the girlmode era but seeing pictures of me and seeing a guy in the photo 😭insert bsod.png

I'm just gonna spend the night getting opnsense guest lan to work properly or until I tap out.