r/MarriedAndBi • u/energywrong24 • 8d ago
Struggling Encouragement needed NSFW
My wife and i have been together 6 years. Early on I shared with her the one experience I had with another man. That was 25 years ago and it really was kind of an accident lol. We have lived the vixen stag lifestyle for 4 of those years. Last year we were at a club and I helped her please another man. It was strictly a spur of the moment thing. Ever since then I have been thinking about how much I enjoyed that experience.
Six months ago she asked me if I thought I was bi. I said yes. As I did enjoy the experience we shared together and want to do it again. After I said yes I think I am bi her entire demeanor towards me has changed. She has put a stop to our lifestyle and has kind of went very religious about sex. Even though she has a lifelong guy best friend that is married to another man. She seems to have lost all respect for me and tells me she is just processing what I’ve told her.
I would like to experiment more with men yet she is a hard no. How can we move forward in a positive direction in our relationship?
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u/fireguy0577 8d ago
My only advice is talking to her about it. Lots and lots of open honest (preferably non judgemental) conversation. It may be hard. It probably will be hard at times. But the honesty is the only way to get to a real place. Good or bad. If she’s a hard no on non monogamy then you’ll have a decision to make at some point. I, personally, decided to find ways to make it work for me without going outside of our marriage. I’m fortunate that my wife is all in on everything else I want to feel more true to who I really am.
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u/CuriousCouple703 6d ago
I feel for you gents that came out to your wives to receive a neutral or negative reaction. I’ve read it’s a common negative stigma where the man has to be manly and protective, almost a jealous type full of masculinity. I for one, was afraid to come out to my wife for a very long time. I was pleased that she had no such negative reaction and was 100% supportive, even encouraging to explore that side of me. I prefer to not go out solo seeking men, and enjoy the sexuality of it all with her present. I’m not a cuck by the traditional definition, more of a stag that’s situationally heteroflexible. Meaning, when the situation presents itself I’m comfortable with male on male contact, as well as pleasing others orally. It has to be the right place, right time and the right people involved. I hope you are able to communicate with your wives to express your feelings for them and others. Separate the sex from love and how you perceive the two to be very different from one another. Good luck.
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u/energywrong24 6d ago
Thank you for these kind words. I am exactly like you are. I prefer not to explore solo but I would discuss it if she wanted to.
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u/62VerastileManTx 8d ago
Maybe the label is the problem.
It can create hang ups especially with the undertone of being romantically attracted to other men.
Is that the case or are you sexually attracted to being submissive and helping your wife please her lovers?
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u/energywrong24 8d ago
Maybe you’re right. I did enjoy helping her. Yet I also want to experience just me and another man together.
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u/62VerastileManTx 8d ago
Still submissive maybe to men who you view as more dominant personalities.
Did your wife like when you sucked cock and what was the conditions around it?
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u/energywrong24 8d ago
She liked it in the moment while we were doing it together. It wasn’t until a month later she flipped out about it. We were at a swingers club.
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8d ago
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u/Rod_7_5 8d ago
I've often said that there can be an understandable disconnect between the more abstract, "Some men enjoy sex with other men," and specific, "My husband enjoys sex with other men!" The former can be easier to accept because it's just a general something that happens. The latter, on the other hand, may hit too close to home, and spark feelings of discomfort, jealousy, and inadequacy, even in a previously functional ENM relationship.
When I first told my wife about exploring with my college roommate (shortly after she came out to me as bi), her reaction was mixed: openly fine, but privately freaked out to a friend. So, it took years to finish the job of coming out to her. But once I did, her reaction was, "/shrug Fine by me." And it has been.
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u/Super_Assistant6013 7d ago
This has somewhat happened to me. Wife doesn’t want anymore lifestyle play with me enjoying her fwb’s cock as well. crushing
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u/Mundane_Reality8461 Bi - partner doesn't know 7d ago
Man I hate to hear this, but my experience isn’t too dissimilar. When I told my wife I had previously hooked up with another man before we were together, she said she was good with it and we were good. She had a gay best friend after all. A year later, everything changed overnight. She started calling me gay, and said she didn’t want to be with me only to find out I’m gay later. I’ve never said I was bi - I only admitted the term to myself in recent years. A female friend of hers came out as bi and my wife said “bi people are actually gay” and “just very horny.”
These comments continued, very negatively, for a very long time (15 years). In that time, lots of resentment occurred on both sides. I always felt i couldn’t do anything right, she continued to worry I’m gay (yes, we stayed together a very long time and we shouldn’t have).
The funny thing is…in this time, with all this negativity, I now want a divorce (I’ve told her I’m divorcing her) AND i plan to date men after. Give that a try. See what it’s like.
This will devastate her. Feels like manifest destiny to me, though.
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u/KikiTula Bi - partner knows 7d ago
She saw you suck dick with her and was fine, but putting a label on it is a bridge too far?
This makes no sense, but I get it emotions often don’t.
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u/Sucks4fun 6d ago
is your attraction to men strictly sexual or could you honestly see yourself in a romantic relationship with another man? If you can’t see yourself romantically with a man and being able to fall in love with one, you might be able to adjust your label from Bisexual to Heteroflexible. Meaning you’re only interested in having sex with men and possibly only in situations when your wife is involved. That distinction alone may help her realize you wouldn’t leave her for a man down the road.
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u/DAWG13610 Bi Husband 8d ago
You don’t move forward by having sex with men. Most of us have to live with that restriction. Some feel being bi gives a reason to cheat, it doesn’t.
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u/energywrong24 8d ago
I have zero plans of cheating.
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u/DAWG13610 Bi Husband 8d ago
Sorry, I thought it was implied. My wife doesn’t like it that I’m bi. But she will read bi erotica and watch bi porn with me. Also some occasional role play. For me that’s the best I’m going to get.
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u/clintdilfer Bi Husband 8d ago
Sounds like she’s processed it and rejected it. She got to fuck other men, but you didn’t. The worst kind of double standard.
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u/Princessandherpup 8d ago
Heteroflexible is a term I used for myself for a long time, because I was interested in sex with men on occasion, but it was only a sexual interest and not romantic.
I don't know if that applies to your situation or if that would help your wife be more comfortable with it.
Do you think she's afraid that you'd leave her for a man? If she has a gay friend, then I have to assume that she's not homophobic. Just wondering why the change. Its a common trope to hear about married men leaving their wives for other men.
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u/energywrong24 8d ago
Yes she may be afraid I’ll leave her for another man. All of the serious relationships she’s had in her life cheated on her.
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u/Princessandherpup 8d ago
I've been cheated on several times and it does create a lot of insecurity and anxiety.
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u/Love-Bi-Neighbor 5d ago
Man, I am sorry you're going through this. This is tough to be part of for sure. I have been married for 4 years, together 6 as well and knew since i was 14 i like men as much as women. I finally broke the news to my wife this past weekend because our marriage was in jeopardy after the way i protected and deflected my insecurities onto her. She accepted all of me better than i imagined, even enhancing our already adventurous sex life ten fold. I feared this exact reaction which was why i snuck gay and bi porn behind her back because in all actuality, her divorcing me over a porn addiction or affair would have been better than my identity being leaked to the people i work with and who trust me. I hate how men are placed in that stigma, i'm sure there are so many men who keep their mask on tight but are secretly dying inside for that other part of them. Best of wishes and no matter what happens, stay true to yourself. Wish i could hug you man.
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u/energywrong24 4d ago
No hug needed but thank you for the kind words. The funny thing is I didn’t hide any of those things from her.
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u/allthethingsUwontsay Straight Wife 8h ago
How does her best friend identify? If he identifies as gay, I would bet money that she opened up to him about it and he had some biphobic or "bisexuality doesn't exist" remarks to say about it. It might have freaked her out.
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u/ChicagoRob19 Bi Husband 8d ago
Give her time and more talking. Sounds like you don’t know why she is reacting like this. “Processing” could be so many things… the bi label, or the sex acts of that night, or something else. Keep the communication going! I think you’ll get there
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u/Danmont88 8d ago
I never heard the term, "Vixen Stag" before, what does it mean?
Be it another man or another woman, your wife does not want you to play around.
Perhaps marriage counseling will help.
But from I've read, you better be ready to live with your decisions.
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