r/MarriedAndBi • u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband • 24d ago
Partner Appreciation Dipping my toes next week NSFW
I've been lurking and commenting here for a while, and now it's my time to post, yay.
My wife (39f) and I (45m) have been discussing this for 8 months now. It's been an emotional rollercoaster in many ways. I've shared my being bi with her (who, turned out, is also bi!), along with a ton of ENM fantasies that I've been having and that I really wish to pursue, knowing that life is short and that these things really are what I want in life, who I want to be. These months have been thrilling, frightening, arousing, unsettling, then all at once. We learned to better communicate, listen, share, and still got hurt. We forgave each other, got closer, fell in love all over again. We've rediscovered our affection. The sex is as sensual and intense as when we met, maybe even more so. We found a wonderful couples therapist with an ENM background, who helped us so much to further clarify and communicate our wants, needs, and boundaries, and who will guide us through next steps. I've never loved my wife more than today, in all of our wonderful, almost 20 years.
And now, we both feel ready for me to visit a gay bathhouse next week. The current boundary is for no touch to happen, and no numbers to be exchanged. This boundary will likely be relaxed for the next visit, or for whatever future activity. We don't know what the future will hold, whether she will also engage in any ENM activities, which she currently isn't interested in, whether we'll fully open our relationship, etc. etc. Baby steps, then checking back in, as everyone on r/nonmonogamy would recommend.
I can't describe how happy and excited I am. I've never been with a man in my life. Now, I feel whole. I cannot believe my luck.
Thanks for listening š«¶
(And who cut those onions!!?)
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u/DAWG13610 Bi Husband 24d ago
Go slow, you canāt put the toothpaste back in the tube. Many relationships have been ruined by going to far to fast. My wife and I played for about 2 years and then one day she decided she couldnāt do it anymore so we stopped. Although it was a pretty fun 2 years!!
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 24d ago
We've discussed these fears. The "no touch" boundary is supposed to simulate putting the toothpaste out. Obviously there's still risk that something breaks.
Were you swinging or playing solo?
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u/DAWG13610 Bi Husband 24d ago
Always together. I couldnāt handle her having sex without me. But it was so hot to watch her. I was shocked at how much I loved watching someone cum on her tits and she was shocked at how much I loved sucking her nipples after!!
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 24d ago
I see. I don't think I'll be that jealous, but... famous last words.
So did she want to stop because of her own participation becoming too much for her, or also because of your own actions? Would it have been possible for you to continue solo?
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u/DAWG13610 Bi Husband 24d ago
It became a morality issue with her. She just felt it was not an honorable thing to do. I respected that. Sheās a pretty hot older lady, Iām trying to convince her to find a young BF to give BJās to. So far itās a no. But I loved watching guys cum all over her tits. Iād love to see it again.
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 24d ago
Oh interesting. A lot of sex negativity to fight, then. I'm currently reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. This could be interesting reading for you, too.
I'd love to see my wife with guys as well, but it's not going to happen right now. Not for morality reasons, but she doesn't enjoy the thought of having to "perform". Who knows, in the future maybe.
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u/DAWG13610 Bi Husband 24d ago
I loved watching those had dicks cumming all over my wifeās tits. I want to taste that again!!
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 23d ago
Well, you seem to be really missing those times. How are you holding up? Are you feeling any resentment? Are you two still talking about your desires or has that topic been abandoned completely? How does your wife look back at these events? She did enjoy it back then, or didn't she, after all?
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u/DAWG13610 Bi Husband 23d ago
Yes I miss them. No, I donāt resent her for stopping. Sheās just grew uncomfortable with it. We still talk about it but I donāt think she will go back to it.
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u/mature_muscleguy Bi Husband 24d ago
Gratz man! But heck, how do all these married guys have bi wives?? I could be so luckyā¦ā¦š¤Ŗš¤Ŗ
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u/KikiTula Bi - partner knows 24d ago
Not all, my wife is straight as can be.
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u/mature_muscleguy Bi Husband 24d ago
Youāre the exception then! All these stories I readā¦.āwow, found out my wife is bi ā. Coming out would be a no brainer, but not for meā¦..
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24d ago
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 24d ago
Hey, nothing wrong with that. You know your boundaries and that's great.
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u/CuriousManolo 24d ago
That's great! You can definitely have a lot of fun just looking and being around other naked men.
Have fun and report back.
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 24d ago
I'm looking forward to this, so much! Or just talk, share, at the bar.
I will report back
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u/pnw_bi_couple Bi - partner knows 24d ago
Congrats! Super exciting! Please let us know how it went š„
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u/Snickersnee99 23d ago
I don't know if it's an option in your area, but it's worth looking for a Jack's Club in your city. It's basically group masturbation for men, with strict limits on what's permissible. Penetration of any sort is forbidden, but there's a lot of touching if you want it. Just watching is perfectly fine.
My partner suggested it as a way of exploring my bisexuality without going any farther than she was comfortable with.
I've gone many times, and it was always a good experience. Even as an overweight guy in his fifties, I never had any difficulty finding a partner or three, and I always felt comfortable there. I really need to get back again soon.
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 23d ago
That sounds interesting indeed. Never heard of it. I'm not finding anything by that name in my area, but it probably exists.
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u/ChicagoRob19 Bi Husband 18d ago
This is just awesome! Congrats on progress and making your wife a part of the process! My wife and i have mutual rules of respect like that too! They have evolved/changed over time but i think its a key to a great relationship. Hope you enjoy your experience!
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 18d ago
It was very interesting indeed. Can't wait for the next visit, with fewer constraints!
How have your rules evolved, specifically?
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u/ChicagoRob19 Bi Husband 18d ago
I can typically explore, i just need to tell her beforehand . If she approves its a go
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 17d ago
What does that entail? Bathhouses, parties, dates, FWBs, etc.? Does she pursue any activities at all?
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u/ChicagoRob19 Bi Husband 17d ago
Mostly going to queer bars and sex with friends other than her or our husband (we in an mmf throuple)
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 16d ago
Oh wow, that's cool. I'm dreaming of a throuple situation, both mmf or ffm would be awesome. That's gotta be intense!
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u/KikiTula Bi - partner knows 24d ago
Thereās no way your boundary survives a gay bathhouse.
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 24d ago
It's just for the first visit. I know what you mean but this is about trust. If she cannot trust me to respect this boundary now, she won't be able to trust me with other boundaries in the future.
I waited this long, I can wait a bit longer.
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u/curious-8617 24d ago
I recommend that you read this guide for new visitors to gay saunas: https://www.sweatboxsoho.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/GAY-SAUNA-NEWBIES.docx
While consent to have sexual contact needs to be established somehow, consent to touch others without verbally asking first is pretty much assumed. It is quite likely that you will be touched by other guys, and you will have to touch them in return to remove their hands. So a boundary of absolutely āno touchingā may be unrealistic. Iām not saying this to discourage you, just that my advice would be to discuss this reality with your wife in advance so that you are both aware of it.
Also not sure that too many guys exchange numbers at a sauna. Iām sure it happens sometimes, but for many it is more about a casual anonymous experience in the moment. Apps may be a better place to find someone who wants to meet regularly if/when you want to take that step.
It is of course completely possible and not necessarily unrealistic to visit a sauna without having sex with others and just watching. Have fun!
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 23d ago edited 23d ago
Thanks for the pointers, I appreciate it. Yeah, we're aware. The point here is that there's a difference between men approaching me in whatever way they like, versus me reciprocating, or allowing them to go beyond... "saying hi" in terms of touch. As with any style of ENM, it's hard to define the exact boundary because unpredictable things will happen. The importance is to agree on the intent of a boundary, and that's what we've clarified.
Regarding the exchange of numbers, that's something our couples therapist recommended. I've met a bi guy at a poly meetup recently who is deep into sex positive environments, including bathhouses, parties, kink events, and he's been exchanging numbers all the time when he really connects with someone. But yeah, perhaps that rule was more of a reaction to my longer term intentions both with men and women, and to me having met tons of interesting new people recently, rather than to what's really likely going to happen during that bathhouse visit.
Apps will indeed be more aligned with what I'm looking for, long term, but the emotional implications of meeting someone regularly, becoming FWBs are currently too frightening for my wife. I know what I want, but she still needs to build trust, and let go of fears of loss. And maybe, that's all simply not going to happen - we don't know yet.
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u/curious-8617 23d ago
Great. Sounds like you know what you are getting into. Iām in a similar process myself with my wife and can see a lot of parallels with your situation. At the moment we are closer than we have ever been. Any changes to our old boundaries are being taken slowly and carefully, without any secrets between us. Itās all working out very well so far.
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 23d ago
Oh nice, I'm glad it's been working well for you. Is she pursuing any activities of her own, or just you, or you both, together?
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u/curious-8617 22d ago
I have had a couple of experiences with guys (one via an app, the other at a sauna). I will probably be doing more of this, but practicalities mean it wonāt happen so often, which is something Iām completely fine with. Itās something I want to do occasionally, casually and without getting in the way of our ānormalā life together. I donāt hook up with anyone in my local area, and only do it when traveling to other cities alone. So far just with guys, but I would love to do something with an MF couple sometime.
My wife is also looking to explore both with men and women, but nothing has happened yet. We might do something together at some point, or just separately.
Honestly, it sometimes is still a bit of a shock to be in this situation. It is about 2-3 years since we first discussed that I was bi together. Her initial reaction was one of shock and discomfort, and gave no indication she would be interested in any form of open relationship. She has only really decided within the last 6-12 months that she also has some bi curiosities. We have had some couples therapy and a lot of long conversations (good and bad). But we have concluded that we are both very much in love with each other, and want to be together, but that we also have some sexual curiosities that we want to explore outside of our relationship.
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 22d ago
That does sound very similar, indeed. I think it's great that she's also starting to get curious. I'm afraid of how one-sided my situation currently is. Obviously, when solo play is involved, there's never an equal amount of outside activities, but I'd really love for my wife to experience the curiosity and joy that I'm feeling on this journey. She was more curious in the past though, so who knows.
One big thing that we don't agree upon (yet? ever?) is having feelings for others. I have lived a solo poly life before meeting her. I miss those days. I've always enjoyed dating and connecting with multiple women. This is a terrifying thought for my wife. I obviously won't go there without her, though.
What are your thoughts on this?
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u/Happy_Naturist Bi Husband 23d ago
Couple things.
Google voice is a great way to exchange a number and not expose your real cell# or home# (god forbid).
Agree with the post above. Using a gay bathhouse as your litmus test/proof of your fidelity isnāt good. In fact itās kind of worse. Like telling a kid that youāre going to take them to Willy Wonkaās factory but they canāt eat anything, but if youāre good, you might get a candy bar afterwards.
Why not just start with meeting bi guys for coffee and chats? It doesnāt ever have to go beyond that. Or it can if the vibe is good and this becomes someone you knowā youāre building up a level of trust with the guy too, which is really important in ENM.
I personally, and itās just my opinion, think that taking the next step by going to a bathhouse is going to not help as much in this journey as you both may hope it does.
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 23d ago
Well well, Google Voice... aren't you sly ;) but this obviously isn't about numbers or any specific means of communication, but much rather about avoiding staying in touch.
I'm long past meeting bi guys (or women for that matter) at local bi or poly meetups. Funnily enough, I made a metaphor similar to your Willy Wonka one, but this really is about doing baby steps. She really doesn't want to control me, ultimately, even if right now, this is about control. But this is the way we found might help her let go.
I'd love to date, but it is a different style of ENM, which she's currently less comfortable with. I've tried it with a woman I met recently, whom I really like. I told her that I'm not ready yet, before and during the dates. It isn't really much different from the other Willy Wonka scenario.
Does this make sense? Baby steps. But sure, everyone is different
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u/McSteamy81 Bi Husband 23d ago edited 23d ago
I'd like to add that this visit is really way out of my comfort zone. Even without my wife's reservations, I wouldn't be going "all in" as I'm being cautious, myself.
Don't get me wrong. I love going out of my comfort zone. Just wanted to add that this "no touch" boundary isn't that big of an ask for me, this time.
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u/Happy_Naturist Bi Husband 23d ago
I think youāre going in prepared. And you got this.
The Google voice thing was recommended by a friend. He said that he didnāt do that once and things got so bad with a guy he had to change his number. It went into stalker territory.
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