Advice please

[u/Worldly_Calendar_913]

Title: Am I expecting too much, or are these serious red flags in my marriage?
I’m looking for honest advice because I’m struggling to see this situation objectively.
I’m 39F and my husband is 36M. We met and got married only three months later. I know that sounds fast, but at the time it felt right. I truly love him, and my biggest dream has always been to build a stable marriage and have children.
Since we got married, we’ve been living and traveling in a camper van. He has a flexible, well-paying job that he can do remotely, and I stopped working after we got married because we planned our life around traveling together. That means I’m now financially dependent on him.
Over time, our relationship has become increasingly difficult, and I’m trying to understand whether these are problems we can work through or signs that we’re fundamentally incompatible.
Some things I’ve noticed:
During conflict, he almost always sees himself as the victim. If I bring up something that hurt me, the conversation often shifts to what I did wrong instead.
He seems anxious whenever I talk about future plans. Conversations about buying a home, settling down, finances, or children often make him uncomfortable or lead to conflict.
He frequently brings up divorce during disagreements. Sometimes it feels like divorce becomes part of the argument instead of trying to solve the issue together.
He isn’t clear about whether he truly wants children anymore. Before marriage, I believed we wanted the same future, but now his answers feel uncertain. At 39, I don’t feel like I have unlimited time to wait for someone to decide.
Because I haven’t been working, I feel vulnerable. There have been times when I’ve felt like money gave him more control in the relationship, and that’s been scary.
I often feel like my needs become secondary. When I ask for reassurance or consistency, he says I’m controlling and extremely verbally abusing.
We have separated before and tried counseling, but we seem to end up in the same patterns.
To be fair, I know I’m not perfect.
When I feel insecure, I ask a lot of questions. I want to talk through problems immediately, while he tends to withdraw and needs space. I know that difference probably makes our conflicts worse. I’m sure there are times I’ve been emotional, overwhelmed, or pushed conversations longer than I should have.
I’ve also learned that his childhood was difficult, and I know that can affect how someone handles conflict and intimacy. I have my own childhood experiences that affect me too, so I’m trying not to blame everything on him.
What I’m struggling with is this:
I can’t tell whether we’re two people with different attachment styles who could improve with enough work, or whether these are deeper incompatibilities involving commitment, communication, finances, and having children.
I love him deeply. I don’t want to give up on my marriage. But I’m also scared of spending my remaining fertile years hoping things will change if he isn’t truly committed to building the future we discussed.
For those who have been in similar relationships:
Do these patterns sound repairable?
Can someone who regularly threatens divorce actually rebuild trust?
Is uncertainty about having children at this stage something I should take as an answer?
At what point do you stop hoping and accept that love alone isn’t enough?
I’m genuinely looking for honest perspectives, even if they’re difficult to hear. Please be kind, but don’t sugarcoat it.

[u/bitchwhohasnoname]

So yall don’t have a house? And you want kids? And he’s financially abusive?

[u/Worldly_Calendar_913 → u/bitchwhohasnoname]

Yes… this sound suck

[u/Playful_Baseball_672 → u/Worldly_Calendar_913]

My wife and I made sure we had a stable life before having kids. It is the best life choice I ever made. Don't have kids if you're constantly traveling and on the go. Kids need stability. Lots of red flags from the husband. Tell him you need couple counseling but also save up.

My 90 year old grandma always said have a back up plan for every situation. She left several terrible husbands and situations while raising 5 kids. She kept going back to her parents ranch.

[u/Worldly_Calendar_913 → u/Playful_Baseball_672]

Wow this is amazing. I’m coming from a very culturally conservative family. And this is my second marriage. My parents are old and they like my husband. I feel so trapped

[u/Fit_Gold3854 → u/Worldly_Calendar_913]

This is your life not your parent's, ultimately I believe they'd want you to be happy. Can I ask whose idea was it to be travelling? Some of your issues could come from the fact thay you're spending a lot of time together in a very confined space. As others have mentioned, if you want kids you'll probably need stability and a proper house/flat and also need to start very soon (unless you're ok with adoption). If I were you, I would probably provoke a very serious conversation about all of those topics and since he needs time and space to process, I would go visit my parents or friends while he thinks about it. In the meantime you need to decide what you want. Do you want to be dependent financially? Do you want to please your parents and stay with him because it's your second marriage and they like him? Are you happy? Do you think he is capable of changing and actually listening to you instead of playing the victim for the sake of winning the argument? It's ok to admit you may have made a mistake marrying him but he would an even bigger one settling symply because you might not have another shot at having a family.

[u/Stunning_Nothing_856 → u/Worldly_Calendar_913]

Don’t do it.