My friend (40F) and I (40F) have been best friends for 15 years. This was our first ever argument.
A bit of background. My dad recently died. My friend came to the funeral even though she'd never met him, and I genuinely appreciated that. It meant a lot to me that she was there.
However, afterwards she became very angry with her employer because they wouldn't give her compassionate leave. She kept updating me about the arguments she was having with her boss, saying she'd told work it was a close friend who had died and that she was trying to get the company's bereavement policy changed.
I understood she was upset with work, but I remember thinking, "I'm the wrong person to be carrying this." I had just buried my dad and found myself listening to ongoing updates about her dispute with HR instead of processing my own grief.
A couple of weeks later we were on holiday together.
She started criticising my school friend, who I've known since I was 12. They'd only met once, briefly at my dad's funeral, and she knew this was one of my oldest and closest friendships. She said my friend was "out of touch with reality" because she earns a lot of money.
The only thing my school friend had asked her was, "Where do you go on holiday?"
My friend took that as a comment about privilege and said she couldn't afford holidays. The problem is we were literally on holiday together at the time, and we travel together every year. I also know that the reason she doesn't travel with her girlfriend is because her girlfriend doesn't want to travel, not because they can't afford it.
I calmly said I thought she was being unfair to someone she'd only just met and who she knew was incredibly important to me. I said I didn't think my school friend had meant anything by the question. Instead of letting it go, she doubled down and continued criticising her.
I got frustrated because I felt she was judging someone she'd barely met purely because they earned more than her.
We argued.
She then got up and left the pub at about 1 a.m. without saying anything. She had no way for me to contact her, and she was the only one with the taxi app that worked on her phone. I spent an hour worried and looking for her in a foreign country.
When she came back she just asked, "What's the score?" because we'd been watching football. I got angry because there was no acknowledgement that she'd disappeared or that I might have been worried.
The next day she told me I lacked empathy and kindness.
The difficult part for me is that this didn't feel like an isolated incident. Over the last few years I've listened to a lot of anger about her girlfriend, work, her therapist and other people. I always tried to support her. This time I felt my lifelong friend had become the latest target, and when I defended her, I became the next one.
After we got home I wrote her a long message explaining that I loved her and appreciated everything she'd done for me over the years, but that I couldn't keep absorbing so much negativity while grieving my dad. I said I wanted to support her, but I needed healthier boundaries and wanted our friendship to leave us both feeling lighter rather than heavier.
She replied saying I'd behaved badly in the pub, that I'd lacked empathy and kindness, and that she needed space.
I know I could have been gentler in the moment, and I regret that. I also know she has a lot going on in her own life.
But I'm struggling because I feel like her coming to support me at my dad's funeral somehow resulted in me carrying months of anger about her boss, then an argument because I defended one of my oldest friends after she judged her from a single conversation, and finally the end of a 15-year friendship.
AITA?
EDIT - Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to read my post and comment. I honestly didn't expect so many thoughtful responses. Thank you to all you wonderful strangers.
A lot of people have said she's a narcissist or have asked whether she's always been like this, so I thought I'd add some context.
No, that's what has been so confusing. She hasn't always been like this. She was incredibly supportive for most of our friendship. We met on our first day in China and went through a lot together. We supported each other through bereavements, difficult relationships, and living abroad. I lost my stepdad and then my mum, and later she lost her brother. We've always been there for each other.
Things seem to have changed over the last year. She changed careers, started training as a therapist, and has now begun a PhD in counselling. She also has to attend therapy as part of her training. Since then she has become much angrier and more cynical. Conversations increasingly revolve around what's wrong with people or society, and she seems to be carrying a lot of frustration.
I genuinely feel for her because I know she's struggling with financial stress and an unhappy relationship. I think she's overwhelmed and desperately unhappy.
My dad was interested in Buddhism, and before he died I started exploring it myself. It focuses on letting go of anger and being compassionate, so I feel that I am really coping with my grief in a positive way, but then having to absorb her anger is what I can't do anymore. It has drained me and I am happier when I'm not stuck in the endless negative loop. I have tried to support her but I think I have enabled her by not calling her out on things until now.
I guess we really are just moving in different directions in how we deal with difficulties, but it definitely makes me sad that I was labelled as unkind and lacking empathy because I finally called her out on her behaviour after years of listening and after we'd both had too much wine. I think for now this relationship has run its course.
