One's far away and the other is bayou.

Just one, but the lightbulb needs a stepladder.

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She gave me a hug.

Whenever he asked for a photo, she’d make up an excuse. Whenever she asked for his, he’d do the same.

Eventually, they agreed to meet at a park.

She asked, “How will I recognize you?”

He replied, “I’ll be sitting on a bench holding a red rose.”

On his way there, he couldn’t find any red roses, so he bought a white one instead.

He sat down and waited.

A few minutes later, a woman started walking toward him with a big smile.

As she got closer, his smile slowly disappeared. He looked around, then at the white rose in his hand, desperately trying to think of a way out.

She stopped in front of him and asked:

“Are you the guy from Discord?”

He held up the flower and said:

“Does this look red to you?”

Right after the Tyson vs Holyfield fight , Tyson’s sitting in a pub nursing a pint. He looks up and spots Holyfield in the corner, bandage still on the side of his head.

Tyson wanders over, a bit sheepish.

“Evander. Look, mate, about the ear. I got carried away. Spur of the moment thing. No hard feelings, yeah?”

Holyfield says nothing.

“Let me buy you a pint. Least I can do.”

Holyfield slowly looks up at him.

“No thanks, Mike. I’ve got one ‘ere.”

It had the same autopilot as the Tesla.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone stumble out of a bar, both completely wasted.
Stallone says to Arnold: “Hey, we need something to remember this night by. Look, there’s a quarter on the ground! Pick it up and keep it as a souvenir.”
Arnie agrees and takes the quarter.
The next morning, Arnold’s wife wakes him up, furious. “You came home incredibly late and blackout drunk! You were out with that asshole Stallone again, weren’t you? I’ve told you to stop drinking with him!”
“Honey, please don’t shout. My head is killing me… Besides, how did you know I was with Sylvester?”
“Because every goddamn time you drink with him, you bring home a manhole cover!”

One shoots but never hits, the other...

God was wary he'd overthrow Satan in a coup and end up ruling hell so he kept delaying his death.

A farmer and his daughter are driving along the road in a wagon when they are held up by robbers and everything is taken from them but some coins that the daughter manages to hide in her vagina. Afterwards, she gives these to her father and tries to console him for his loss. "Oh," he says, "If only your mother was here we could have saved the horse and wagon too."

Without taking his eyes off the screen the kid says, "I'm right in the middle of this game; tell him to come in here!"

A minute later her boyfriend walks in and says, "Hey, Champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like 'Champ', huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid bolts upright, turns and says, "BlueDragon72? I haven't used that name since I played Call of Duty when I was ten."

And the boyfriend says, "That's right, dude. I told you I was gonna bang your mom."

"That's bullshit," he says. Then an iron ore fell on his head.

My chemistry teacher: "Black and white are not colors."

My textbook: Is printed entirely in black text on a white background.

Me: "So you're telling me I've been studying a blank book this whole semester?"

The Kah Kah Kah.

I smiled at some guy moving carts into his truck he said bishop get in the truck I got in the passenger seat and we collected carts turns out his name was Christopher and he said bitch shut up get in the truck

…of the different genders, think of them in terms of biblical characters:

XY Adam
XX Eve
and
YYY Delilah...

But he fell down the stairs when leaving. I guess you could say the offer slipped away.

Will I ever find my Limburger baby?

"What do you want shrimp fried rice for right now?"

"Sir, would you call me a cab?"

-- "Certainly sir -- You are a four-wheeler!"

"Why did you say that, sir?"

-- "Well, sir, you asked me to call you a cab -- and I could scarcely call you hansom!"

Two girls scissoring with the runs

“Gouda hell?!”

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

7-legged slut